Deeper reasons for crossdressing

I wanted to highlight a post written by one of my blogging friends.  It’s called – “Underlying Feelings – Wants & Needs.”   It’s an incredibly insightful post about crossdressing.  In my journey to find healing from my crossdressing past, I think back to this post often.

In the first half of the post he talks about how it’s easy to assume our crossdressing is mostly sexual, but that there is a whole host of other reasons why we do it.  In starting to talk about this he delves into describing his marriage.

The second half of the post is what I find most helpful.  Basically he talks about the underlying reasons, the hidden motivations that brought about crossdressing in his life in the first place.  He talks about the healthy human needs and desires and emotions he was trying to meet (subconsciously) through crossdressing rather than in other normal healthy areas of life.  Some of the things he talks about are human needs or wants.  Some of the things are aspects of his personality that he had trouble integrating into his masculine self, and so they came out through his crossdressing self instead.  The 4 paragraphs near the end about his feelings while crossdressing and feelings while not crossdressing fit me almost exactly.

This post and topic not only is of great interest to me, but I think it is extremely important for us to think through.  Not only does thinking through this post and our own life and story help us to understand ourselves and our crossdressing struggle better.  But it also is helpful for our healing.   If we want to continue to resist crossdressing, we have to figure out what crossdressing was doing for us, what needs we were trying to meet through it, and then get those needs met in other healthy ways.

So for example, if I, like the author, am able to feel uninhibited, joyful, carefree, attractive, beautiful, and fun while crossdressing, why cannot I not feel that way as a man?  Certainly some part of my upbringing or my own social understanding of the world stifled me.  I learned to not feel certain things as a man, or learned that I shouldn’t or couldn’t feel certain things as a man.  I need to think through these different feelings and traits and learn how to integrate them into my one self, my one real identity as a man.  The alternative of course is crossdressing in which a man leads a sort of double life, with his feminine crossdressed self acting in a different way from his non-crossdressed self.  I want to be a whole free human being.  One that can be strong and passionate, attractive and adventurous, courageous and compassionate, all while being the same person.  I do not want to be the stifled boring uninteresting but stable man, who then spends his weekends in a closet (or out on the town) crossdressed and being adventurous, beautiful, carefree, etc.   I want to be a whole healthy human being.  I do not want to be a divided person.  I do not want to look for important human needs of mine to be met through crossdressing, but I want to get them met through healthy relationships with God and others, productive work, and wholesome hobbies.

His “next steps” at the end are very helpful, and they are things I’m continuing to work on.  Even though it no longer takes work to resist crossdressing from day to day, I still need to be putting effort into sorting myself out, meeting my felt needs, and being a whole person.  For long term healing and recovery from crossdressing, and for continuing to decrease my desires to crossdress, this is extremely important.  You should definitely read his post.

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7 comments on “Deeper reasons for crossdressing

  1. Vivienne says:

    I read the original post and agree with you. It’s painfully honest, and very powerful. What I read from it is a soul in agony: torn between doing the right thing (staying married and fulfilling his wife’s wishes) and his deep desire to crossdress (with the fulfilment it provides). It’s just a torrent of emotional pain. I identify strongly with Narsil, the author: he and I seem to have a lot in common.
    I was going to post a reply directly there, thinking that this was a recent post. But Narsil hasn’t posted anything new for nearly a year, so I guess the blog is dormant.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Yeah, it’s an older post. I believe Narsil is taking a break from the blog for a while. He did so before and then posted one long post, and then took a long break again. I don’t know when he will back.

    I definitely agree with you. He was in a lot of pain in that post. One thing I didn’t mention was his getting beyond that pain and finding more freedom in not crossdressing. You should read his newest post if you haven’t yet. Things were still hard, but they got better for him. You could still reply to him, he might come back periodically to check his blog updates.

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  3. Ralph says:

    This subject touches on a topic that interests me, too. I keep shouting that it’s not a sexual thing for me, and I don’t want to pretend to be a woman, yadda yadda yadda… it’s just the comfort of the clothes that I prefer. But that really only begs the question, *why* would satin and velvet and nylon give me a greater sense of comfort? What is it that gives me a sense of peace having a skirt draped over my legs rather than pants on? And when I’m just looking at pictures of clothing, it’s not the contemporary styles that catch my eye and trigger a satisfied response in me, but specifically older styles that were out of fashion long before I was born — ankle-length calico and Victorian nightgowns and the like. Why do I have such a longing to see those clothes on people around me, on myself?

    The answer probably lies deeper than I am prepared to dig into my distant past. Somewhere, at some point, my brain made the connection between those clothes and a sense of happiness. I have said before that I believe part of what attracts me to crossdressing is an attempt to bring back a sister who doted on me and died in an accident when I was a small child — but she was a teenager in the 1960s; she certainly didn’t dress like Laura Ingalls. So maybe there are happy memories of curling up in the arms of my mother/sister watching old movies, or reading books with pictures of people dressed in the older styles.

    But what do I know? I know less about psychology than I do about astrophysics or neurosurgery (hint: I failed calculus three times in college); I’m just guessing here.

    My point, if there is one, is that crossdressing fulfills *some* emotional need in us that for whatever reason we think we can’t meet through more conventional means, and I think if we can find that connection and find a way to meet those needs in other ways, the need for crossdressing can diminish if not disappear altogether.

    Having said all that, I have to wonder what emotional need is being met by people on a forum where they are currently bragging about shoe collections — one claims to have over 300 pair of ladies’ shoes that he insists are all necessary, as does another who has over 100 pair. The first step, as they say, is to admit that you have a problem…

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Ralph, I think you have a great point here – “My point, if there is one, is that crossdressing fulfills *some* emotional need in us that for whatever reason we think we can’t meet through more conventional means, and I think if we can find that connection and find a way to meet those needs in other ways, the need for crossdressing can diminish if not disappear altogether.”

    I’m still working on figuring out what needs I was trying to meet through crossdressing. I know some of it, but still pondering and trying to figure out some of it.

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  5. dramaking says:

    I grew up in a circus, never knowing how my step father was going to act. As an alcoholic he was physically and psychologically abusive towards me. My mom was loving towards me and my Grandmother was loving towards me but after being sexually abused at the age of 4 and then living without a father till the age of 8, and then it was my step father who came into my life I had no love for the male. Add to that my mother liked to dress me up for Halloween and it was no surprise that I would gravitate to the feminine. I found masturbation at 10 and to reduce the shame I would pretend in my fantasy that it was astrong dominant woman that would force me to dress up. I was molested again at 12 by a kindly old gentleman that groomed me and took advantage of me till the age of 17 when I went into the Navy. I entered into the Gay lifestyle for about 2 years and I was always the queen. Etc etc etc. There was so much that I went through as a kid that it is no wonder I struggled with my masculinity for so long. I was saved when I was 8 years old and I do believe that God called me and saved me because he knew the hell on earth that I would endure and that I would not survive without him. Unfortunately I didn’t really come to understand that I had work to do until my 30s, that is when I really started walking with him. Perhaps I had to endure all that has happened to me because I need to speak about it to others as I share with you now. I won’t really know that this side of heaven, but what I do know and what I will share with anyone who will listen is that this is an addiction. It is an addiction to self and all about pleasing one’s self. It is idolatry and it will do nothing but bring tremendous pain into one’s life. Maybe not initially but after a season sin will have its comeuppance and when it does look out. I needed to look at all of the things in my life, all of the crap that I had kept hidden for so long. I had to come to grips with the fact that my mother was not the saint I thought she was but an alcoholic that used me as a surogate husband because she couldn’t deal with her real husband. But after.all was said and done I also had to look at my part. The choices that I made to do the things that I did to cause the pain that I caused. I had to take personal responsibility for that as well. Yes we need tou look deep into ourselves and pray that God will reveal all of it to us and I thank God for that healing that he gives us when we boldly trust him for the success in that journey of self discovery.
    God bless you all
    Andrew

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Thank you so much for your honest story Andrew. I’m not sure why God allowed all that horrific crap to happen to you, but I do think he is using you now. Keep telling about what God has done in your life. I would love to have you write some guest posts, you have a lot of good stuff to share, and a helpful story to share. But then I remembered you do have a blog. When are you going to be updating it again? :)

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  7. Jared says:

    “So for example, if I, like the author, am able to feel uninhibited, joyful, carefree, attractive, beautiful, and fun while crossdressing, why cannot I not feel that way as a man?”

    I agree completely. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

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