I am glad you found your way to this site.  Please enjoy reading my reflections on this difficult and confusing topic of crossdressing.  The intention of this site is to build a network of resources and a community of people trying to fight their crossdressing addictions together, and giving each other encouragement and advice.  Further, I hope this site helps people to think about crossdressing from a Christian and biblical perspective.  Hopefully this site can help us to understand ourselves better and find healing and forgiveness and freedom in our Lord Jesus Christ.   This issue surely has caused most of us great pain, anguish, and frustration in our private, public, and spiritual lives.

I am not an expert.  I write out of my personal experience, my reading about crossdressing, my faith, and the theological education I have received.  I am a Christian pastor.  I myself struggle with the desire to crossdress and starting this site was one way for me to get support and healing for myself from this addiction while trying to help others at the same time.  In 2011, God gave me great victory over this struggle and I have been going strong ever since, with only a few times of struggle and failure.  You can read more about my story on the “About” page.

Please feel free to comment and discuss even if you disagree with me.  I hold all email addresses with confidentiality, but for those of you who are rightly worried about security and anonymity, it’s easy to make a new email address with anonymous names, which you could do before commenting here.  While the point of this website is to help those who are trying to resist crossdressing, I welcome good comments from anybody even if you think crossdressing is a healthy activity.  I enjoy debating to a point, and will try to discuss with you in a healthy, peaceful way.  Perhaps we can have mutual learning and growth through the discussion.  I have been greatly helped by other bloggers, organizations, and articles which I have posted links to.  But as you comment, please keep in mind the purpose of my site.   I approve each comment individually.  I would rather just have comments completely open, but I have learned to monitor them because of past commenters crossing the line and harassing other commenters.

In some posts I do not make clear nuanced distinctions between crossdressing as a sexual fetish addiction and crossdressing as a result of gender dysphoria/transgenderism, and I have been criticized for doing so.  I am not ignorant to the important distinctions between the two issues.  But when I have not distinguished the two issues within an individual post, it is because my arguments against both issues are largely the same arguments and many posts apply to both issues equally.  There is far more overlap between these two gender issues than most people want to admit.  See this post for my thoughts about terms, labels, and types of crossdressers.

Thank you for being willing to read my thoughts.  If they help you, to God be the glory for what he has done in my life.  I thank him for being willing to use me.  Please comment below if you would like prayer in your struggle and I promise to dedicate time in prayer for you.

If you want some guidance in reading my posts, you can start with what I consider to be my “most important posts.”


330 comments on “Welcome!

  1. thorin25 says:

    AK, I’ll send you an email so you can email me privately.


  2. bigguy says:

    hello I have not crossdress since for around six months now I join the church and I look god heal me from crossdressing


  3. thorin25 says:

    that’s great bigguy! Keep up the good work! I encourage you to keep reading my blog posts and keep dialoguing with us


  4. jon says:

    HI, I wrote in last year concerning my lifelong struggles with cross dressing. I was finally confronted by my wife, who was living in a different state due my job and I was happy that we could work through the issue together. My wife could not or would not support me in my working through my off and on cross dressing throughout our married life. We have been separated for almost 2.5 years and she just filed for a divorce after almost 35 years of marriage stating that my cross dressing was the “straw that broke the camels back”. of course cd issue wasn’t the only thing that contributed to our marriage breaking up but combined with her issues of childhood abuse and a mirriad of other thinksead to our divorce. I appreciate you sticking with your husband through this sin gripping issue of cross dressing. I think it is very important, ateast in my struggle to find people, friends and family to keep you accountable and Love you through this time now and in the future. Second, sound Christian counseling should be found and used. I found and still digging that there underlying issues in your life that contribute to cross dressing. The sooner this areas are revealed and exposed the less Satan can use this in our lives. The Bible tells this true too, that God is light and when our sins are exposed healing can began. Some verses that I keep in arsenal is, Psalm 119: 132 – 133 used throughout my recovery from cross dressing. Verse 133 say, “Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me”. My divorce will still glorify God and built both my wife and I to be more like Jesus. To God be the glory.


  5. Bigguy says:

    I have not dress up in woman’s clothing now since Dec but I steal get the feeling to something help me not to the other day this friend had this nice black I thought I would like to wear that dress before I would go out and by me a dress now I not doing that so the bible and church has help me


  6. thorin25 says:

    That’s great bigguy, well done!


  7. gcdrk says:

    Hi Thorin,

    How are you doing friend??

    Do you remember me?

    I haven’t come here in a while. I am now marching on my third year without CD in my life. I am pretty happy:)


  8. thorin25 says:

    Gcdrk, yes i do indeed remember you! Thanks for checking in once again and giving us the good news. How would you like to write a guest post about your story of giving up crossdressing?


  9. lona says:

    Update: I went away and my husband stayed busy while I was gone so he didn’t give into temptation. So he says. I want to believe him.
    Still struggling with trust.
    We have separate accounts for our talk space counseling.
    We don’t talk about his issue much. I don’t know that we need to. It just feels like we are ignoring it. When i first found out, I thought about it constantly (I still think about it but not so much) and had so many questions.
    We are on vacation as a family now. It makes it impossible for him to act on his CD.
    I really wish he’d come to this site. I think it would be helpful. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to, he just gets busy.
    We are going on dates and living like we did before. I guess as a CD wife I want him to be actively working on it and get fixed asap. I know he’s a work in progress.


  10. thorin25 says:

    It sounds like positive things are happening. And you don’t want to be talking about it constantly as that can just feed it. Allow your husband to focus on other things besides CD, focusing on the important things in life, that is a helpful part of recovery, (as long as he isn’t burying his feelings so that they will explode later). Some day when you are alone together and have free time, you could just take a few minutes to look at this site together to introduce him to it, then he may pick interest and read more on his own another time.


  11. kumarnaveen says:

    It is good for depression people as it explain the disease and helps understnd it well for patient benefit.nv life is goodfor other problem also very helpful


  12. zahdah says:

    Do I make it impossible for my husband to rescue me? He says when I get so angry (triggers), that it’s like I’m shooting flaming arrows, or throwing knives, at him. So then he just has to leave me alone, wait for me to stop being angry, to stop seeing him as the enemy. Then he can rescue me. But the problem with that, is that then I no longer need him to resume me. And then I feel so alone again. That when I needed him the most, it (I) was too hard for him, and he left me. When I’m so angry, probably not very nice, even lashing out at him, I do desperately need him. To let me know that he’s still there for me, that he still loves me, no matter how bad I get.


  13. Ari says:

    Hi Zahdah

    I know how you feel! So I’m going to share from my personal experience.

    Your hubby needs exactly what you need. As you say, when you’re so angry, probably not very nice, even lashing out at him… When you need him most, even he desperately needs you. In his darkest moment and darkest sin he needs you to let him know that you’re still there for him, that you still love him, no matter how bad he gets.

    You see, you’re yearning for Agape in the hardest of times but so is he. The Word says ‘while we were yet sinners Christ died for us’. That’s telling me in my darkest sin, Christ looked upon me with love NOT condemnation and He died for me, He saw me as worth dying for. So, without condemning your hubby in his sin, show him the agape love because that is what saved you, not anger or condemnation. For the bible tells us there is no condemnation for us and that Christ didn’t come to condemn us, He came to set us free. We are saved by grace not anger and condemnation.

    Now, I know the anger because I have been there enough times now. The shut down approach which is possibly just as bad if not worse than lashing out. The anger is far more destructive where love builds. Also, people mirror us. When we love them, they react in love too. When we lash out, they lash out in their own way too. Example, when you’re angry, I think you said for him it’s a trigger. Your anger might be out of stress and fear of the future and his reaction is triggered by the same things, stress and fear.
    When you are angry you would like him to let you know he’s still there and loves you. That’s great, but YOU take the first step and show him love even when you don’t agree with his behaviour. He will respond in love and even if he doesn’t initially, don’t give up because otherwise it looks like you were pretending. You set the tone in your home, whether in anger or in love. It’s your decision which atmosphere will prevail each day.


  14. thorin25 says:

    Zahdah did your husband leave you for good? Your comment wasn’t clear. Ari responded well to your comment so I won’t repeat. Thanks Ari


  15. thorin25 says:

    W, I’m very sorry to hear your painful story of the sins and destructive power of that sin in your life. However, I have decided to delete your comment as it was very graphic, even for me who has read a lot of stuff people have been through. The graphic nature of your confession is not only difficult to read but could prompt temptation in others. We don’t need all the details :) I hope I am not offending you by deleting it. If you would like to repost something shorter and more general, that would be great, as it is important to share your story with others.

    I’m glad you recognize how bad these activities are, and that you are trying to give it up. There is hope. All things are possible with God! The process of sanctification can be slow, but you can get healing in your heart and mind from these past activities, and you can stop these sins.

    To start, I recommend reading this post, and then joining our prayer group:


  16. Bigguy says:

    that nasty and disgusting should be private I agree with thorn comment
    I was a crossdresser to I never did things like that you said and I did the same things to boy cloths and expensive ones fashion cloths and Victoria secrets stuff to now I took god and the bible in my life that save me and I ask god for his forgiveness of crossdressing


  17. Charles West says:

    I went on this website about a year and a half ago. I stayed with it for about 2 months and then dropped off, mainly because I needed more than computer contact for support. I am very depressed in life (never ever suicidal though). I will be 59 in a few months and I am an x-pastor (working a mundane job since I left the ministry 15 years ago, —not for any scandal, just because I became useless to God and did Him a favor and stepped down to replace me with a real man of God, not this hypocrite). I have been CDing since grade-school and the longest I ever went without CDing since I started has been slightly over 2 months (That’s it folks! That’s the best my will power will take me. What a waste of life). I have never ever experienced God’s inner strength when confronted with this issue. Never! It always seemed it was up to me. I feel extremely hopeless and lost. I CD because of constant discouragement in my life. My marriage of 36 years is lonely (we get along very well, we just kind of exist together). My wife learned about my CD many, many years ago. She wasn’t happy with it (thank God!) and so I just ended up hiding it from her. Unfortunately she thinks it is no longer part of my life. And my view of God is weak at best. I have read many of the articles on this site and I always make strong commitments to being free from this, but the problem I run into is when discouragement, depression and hopelessness overwhelm me, all motivation and rational argument goes out the window and I seek my comfort zone. I despise myself for my addiction. I have spoke a time or two with a Christian counselor, but the cost and the lack of “real” identification has kept me from returning. I’m not even sure why I’m sending this but I thought I would just reach out. My Christian walk is an embarrassment of personal and private failure with a sin that I have a love-hate relationship with. Has anyone else experience the sobering reality that this is a bondage that there is no freedom from? I came to Christ at a very young age (4th grade) and yet I still do this. How can that be??????? How can Christ have such meager power over my life. There is such a vast discrepancy between my life and what I read in the scriptures. If any man be in Christ he is a new creature. Apparently, I missed the boat somewhere.


  18. Charles West says:



    A few hours after posting my comments, I happen to come across an article on the disastrous consequences of ingratitude. It is an understatement to say that my eyes were opened to something very serious. All these decades I have been trying to get victory over something that is not even the real problem. It is just a consequence of the problem. This might be an oversimplification of the issue, but consider the article below:


    The Apostle Paul described the autonomy of unbelief bluntly: “Knowing God, they have refused to honor Him as God, or to render Him thanks.” His words are a reminder that rebellion against God does not begin with the clenched fist of atheism but with the self-satisfied heart of the one for whom “thank you” is redundant. All sin is simply an expression of ingratitude.

    Ingratitude leads us directly into a sinful mindset.

    Consider the Gentiles, who “did not glorify” God, “nor were thankful.”

    For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God NOR GAVE THANKS to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools… (Rom. 1:21,22)

    From this seemingly harmless beginning springs the “debased mind”(v. 28) which includes homosexuality, covetousness, and murder [and may I add CD]. As mind-boggling as it might seem, we must conclude that NOT BEING THANKFUL led eventually to grievous sin so great that “God gave them up”(v. 26).

    The sin of unthankfulness has a consequence far out of proportion to what we would expect.

    Paul warned Timothy that “perilous times will come” when men are “blasphemers, disobedient to parents” and “UNTHANKFUL” (2 Tim 3:1-2). Not only is ingratitude placed alongside other deplorable sins, it is a sure sign that “perilous times” have come. The world is indeed a frightening place when people only acknowledge God to blame Him for what is not perfect in their lives.

    Their ingratitude pushes them headlong into spiritual catastrophe.

    Sadly, ingratitude is not restricted to Gentiles or the world, but is often a cancer among God’s people as well. Three days out of the Red Sea, Israel began to complain against Moses (Ex 15:22-24), and their complaining never seemed to stop. They wanted water, or bread, or meat. They wanted to go back to slavery. “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness?”(Num 21:5). Had they forgotten the great oppression they were under in Egypt? Did they not remember the horrific plagues God had brought upon Pharaoh? Had they not walked together through the Sea on dry land?

    Yet God’s people were not thankful for His tremendous deliverance, and it led to a spiritual catastrophe: “their bodies were scattered in the wilderness”(1 Cor 10:5). Had they been grateful for God’s grace toward them, surely He would have blessed them tremendously.

    Yet again we see that ingratitude has disastrous spiritual consequences.

    For Christians ingratitude is similarly destructive.

    The command to sing in Colossians 3:16 is sandwiched by “be thankful”(v 15) and “giving thanks to God the Father through Him”(v 17). Thanksgiving is the fuel for our worship. When our singing, praying, and preaching are limp and lifeless, more than likely it is a casualty of unthankfulness. We are also to “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God”(Phil 4:6). Giving thanks fills our minds with God’s goodness and power rather than our anxieties and disappointments. However, if we neglect thanksgiving, our prayer will remain full of worry and ingratitude always leads us directly into a sinful mindset. Our despondent moods are for the most part, moods of ingratitude.

    Further, we must not let fornication, uncleanness, or covetousness be named among us, “neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, BUT RATHER GIVING OF THANKS.”(Eph 5:3-4). Gratitude is therefore also essential to cleaning up our thoughts and speech. It is very difficult to be filthy or coarse (or to even think in those terms) when we are discussing the great works of our great God.

    A Christian without gratitude is just a shell of a Christian: ingratitude always leads us directly into a sinful mindset, unable to worship, anxious about worldly cares, filled with sinful speech, craving fleshly satisfaction and drawn away from Christ.

    He is heading toward spiritual ruin.

    Resentment and gratitude cannot coexist, since resentment blocks the perception and experience of life as a gift. My resentment tells me that I don’t receive what I deserve. It always manifests itself in envy. Gratitude, however, claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to celebrate with joy.

    By withholding gratitude, I find myself drawn into the vast interior labyrinth of my complaints, and I become more and more lost until, in the end, I feel myself to be the most misunderstood, rejected, neglected, and despised person in the world. Ingratitude leads us directly into a sinful mindset.

    We have inherited the dysfunction of our parents Adam and Eve in constantly reaching for something more than we have been given. We do that only because we are not truly grateful for a God who has lavished more blessings on us than we can see. Usually, it is not until we have lost the good garden that we start thinking of it as paradise.

    There is an alternative. You can choose to be grateful, to settle into the blessings that will not last so long. But to do that you will have to find the love of God in what you have.

    The good news is that we can avoid the pitfalls of ingratitude. A true consideration of the wonderful things God has given to us leads naturally to thankfulness.

    Thanksgiving is one of the most exciting and powerful antidotes to moral apathy and spiritual indifference available to human beings.

    Gratitude must be cultivated. It is not a simple emotion or obvious attitude. Living gratefully requires patience. Grateful people learn to celebrate amid life’s hard and harrowing memories because they know that the Father’s pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation.

    It is always possible to be thankful for what is given rather than complain about what is not given. One or the other becomes a habit of life.

    Cultivating a grateful heart is not just an add-on nicety, a civil tip of the hat to God as we steamroll through our day. A posture of purposeful, perpetual thanks to Christ is absolutely central to Christian character. It gives glory to our Savior. It is the key defense against Satan’s temptations to despair, distrust and dysfunction. It protects us from sin and self. It is the hallmark of heaven. It does not exist in hell.

    Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy. The practice of gratitude is perhaps the most under-scrutinized way to grow spiritually. It is the fastest way to connect with the joy of being alive.

    “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. AND BE THANKFUL. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs WITH GRATITUDE IN YOUR HEARTS TO GOD. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, GIVING THANKS to God the Father through Him.” (Col. 3:15-17)

    —Compiled by various authors


  19. thorin25 says:

    Charles, I know it may seem hopeless, but there is always hope! I know from experience, and I know we serve a God who is all powerful and all loving at the same time, thus there is always hope.

    I understand your need for real life contact rather than only online. I would prefer you would be in our prayer group online in addition to having a real life pastor, and real life accountability partner. That trio would be more helpful.

    About depression, that is a serious issue, and could be what keeps you from being victorious over crossdressing. If you don’t believe there is any hope, if you don’t believe you can beat it, if you are utterly depressed all the time, then of course you’ll keep failing.

    I would suggest reading the book Spiritual depression, by Martin Lloyd Jones. http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Depression-Its-Causes-Cure/dp/0802813879/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442804948&sr=8-1&keywords=spiritual+depression

    It’s a little dry at times, but it’s a really good book, and I think it may very well help you. Secular counselors often regard depression as something we can do very little about, but he has a different view, he sees the spiritual components to it, and see what we can do about it.

    There is hope to be free from this, but you first have to believe that you can stop, and you have to want to stop, and I think because of your depression, those are the first two things you can’t hurdle yet. Let’s keep talking and let me know what you think of that book


  20. CW says:

    Hi Thorin, thank you for your reply. I just so happen to have the book “Spiritual Depression” on my shelf. Someone gave it to me awhile back but I allowed busyness to keep from getting to it. But based on what you said I will definitely read the book and I will start immediately.
    Thank you!


  21. Charles West says:


    I will never be able to thank you enough for directing me to read the book “Spiritual Depression” by Dr. Martyn Lloyd Jones. I only read two chapters so far, but chapter 2 literally broke me!

    I am ashamed to say that I have spent my entire Christian life having a form of head knowledge of “justification by faith” but never truly believing it in my heart. Like John Wesley, (as he mentions), I knew the doctrine of justification by faith, I defended it, I even preached it from the pulpit, but it was head knowledge, intellectual theology, not heart experience (after all, it was too good to be true). And therefore I was a miserable Christian trying to “sanctify myself” without first grasping, believing and reveling in the astounding doctrine of God’s way of justifying me.

    I loved Christ, all these many years, I just had difficulty believing that a rotten piece of garbage like me would be accepted by God apart from me trying to prove to God that I can be a really good guy. I always saw justification as a kind of “entrance” into the Christian life but in reality it was up to me to do the best to live this life (almost like Paul said in Galatians, “Having begun in the Spirit are you now made perfect by the flesh?”) As a pastor I would preach against salvation by works and yet in my own personal daily living it was always striving and trying and making promises and doing the best I can.

    I even laughed at a Christian friend of mine one day who quoted 2 Corinthians 5:21 to me and said, “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.” I looked at him and said “Yeah right. A rotten sinner like me?” I never truly believed it because of the remnants of sin still in my life. And this is why I could never go on into actual victorious sanctification because I never properly embraced justification (Gods way of making me right). To me the Christian life was nothing but striving and failing and starting all over again and striving and failing and trying better next time. What misery.

    As I read that chapter at first I was a little annoyed because I thought why are we going through the ABC’s of the Gospel? But as I progressed and he pounded away at that truth I began to see it so clearly. Toward the last page I just broke down in tears. The scales came off my eyes. I am justified and made righteous in Christ, not by works that I have done but because of the finished work of Jesus on Calvary. That is so basic to so many people and they would probably roll their eyes looking at a veteran Christian making that statement, but I understand now how that is the very foundation, NOT with which to BUILD my life but to COMPLETELY REST my life in.

    Like the good doctor wrote: “As long as you go on thinking about yourself and saying: “Ah, yes, I would like to say I’m a Christian, but I am not good enough; I am a sinner, a great sinner,” then you are denying God and you will never be happy. You will continue to be cast down and disquieted in your soul. You will think you are better at times and then again you will find that you were not as good as you thought you were. You read the lives of the saints and you realize that you are nowhere. So you keep asking: “what can I do? I still feel that I am not good enough.” Forget yourself! Forget all about yourself. Of course you are not good enough, you never will be good enough. The Christian way of salvation tells you this, that it does not matter what you have been, it does not matter what you have done…. It does not matter if you have almost entered into the depths of hell, if you are guilty of murder as well as every other vile sin, it does not matter from the standpoint of being justified with God. You are no more hopeless than the most respectable self-righteous person in the world —do you believe that?

    “Look to Christ and to Christ alone and to nothing and no one else. Stop looking at particular sins and particular people. Look at nothing and nobody but look entirely to Christ and say:

    My hope is built on nothing less Than Jesus blood and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly lean on Jesus name, On Christ the solid rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand.

    “You must so believe that as to be able to go further and say with holy boldness:

    The terrors of the law and of God With me can have nothing to do, My Saviors obedience and blood Hide all my transgressions from view.”

    After explaining justification by faith alone, he often asked people the question, “Well, now are you quite happy about it? Do you believe that?” He said he often had people hesitate to answer saying that they did not feel that they were good enough. And that was me. But as I finished the chapter, and I thought deeply about what he wrote, I was able to say (probably from the heart for the first time in my entire life), “Yes, I believe it! I BELIEVE IT! It is true that I am not good enough, but that is not the point! Jesus Christ did everything that had to be done to make me right with God.”

    Before I started reading this book I was weighed down with such heavy guilt and looking at such a bleak future, realizing that I have to start all over again to try to prove to Jesus that I’m doing my best to be a good Christian. Even that article I sent on ingratitude and the horrific consequences of such a life, I saw “gratitude” as another virtue that I had to strive for. But after reading AND BELIEVING the second chapter of Spiritual Depression, I sat there weeping for I knew right then and there that I am accepted in the beloved. I don’t have to try to impress God, I don’t have to feel like God is my enemy, I don’t have to try to earn points with God or even His love, I don’t have to show God that I am worthy of heaven, I don’t have to strive, the weight just lifted right off me and now I have this confidence that when I do face my temptation (and I’d be a fool to think I won’t), it is no longer from the objective of me trying to prove anything to God. For I am already accepted in the beloved, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, and I won’t be facing the temptation from the standpoint of the law in the flesh, but rather from the freely bestowed grace of my precious Savior, who has already received this vile sinner.

    Not by works of righteousness that I have done but according to his mercy he saved me. Thank you again my friend for pointing me in the right direction.


  22. W says:

    I was introduced to crossdressing as a young boy by a female relative who gave me girl’s nightgown and panties to wear to bed while my clothes were being cleaned. I don’t think she meant anything by it and would never blame her for my sins, but it was the beginning of a long battle with crossdressing that I still fight. I found I liked wearing female clothing and looked forward to wearing it again. It started out as almost as a game or a thrill that I thought I could stop anytime I wanted to, but it morphed into something much darker when I got older. I got strong powerful urges to dress up like a girl that didn’t let up until I finally gave in to it. I was a slave to my crossdressing. It controlled me. I also got other terrible urges and thoughts only while dressed like a girl that I unfortunately acted on that led to terrible consequences. When I realized the power this sin had over me and its demonic influence, I tried to stop many times. Purging my female clothing or female clothing I had stolen. Sometimes I could go months cold turkey without dressing up at all, but the urge was always there. Then I was back to dressing up again telling myself the lie it was no big deal and just clothing and since girls crossdress by wearing pants, I should be able to wear a skirt. Then I would purge again. What started as a childish game had led to a powerful addition that I couldn’t seem to let go. I know it is wrong and have tried to leave it behind many times, but I keep going back to it. For nothing more than a short-lived empty thrill, this sin has taken my time and money and given me nothing in return but shame, guilt, and pain. I should be smart enough to leave it all behind forever, since it is hurting me, but I keep coming back for something that is empty. I have tried on my own to stop and have failed, but I am hoping to one day finally be free of this sin.


  23. thorin25 says:

    Ah, fills me with joy to read your comment Charles. Thank you. You are the beginning of new life! What a wonderful realization. It’s the people that think salvation by grace is simple and roll their eyes, that don’t really get it. It is anything but simple. It is the people who realize they need the good news preached to them every week that get it. We continually struggle with works righteousness, not as a doctrine, but in our heart. It is our tendency to never feel good enough, to flee God when we sin, to doubt our salvation when we sin, to only feel good when we accomplish something, etc. Another book that is much shorter that might also be really good for you, only 50 pages long is this – http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Self-Forgetfulness-Path-Christian/dp/1906173419/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443023586&sr=8-1&keywords=freedom+of+self+forgetfulness

    This book perhaps more than any other in my life, spoke right to my heart. Thank you for your testimony! You should join our prayer group.


  24. thorin25 says:

    W thank you so much for being willing to post a new less graphic comment and not being frustrated with me. It is good for us to hear your testimony.

    We want to help you. There is hope. You can change.

    To start, I recommend reading this post, and then joining our prayer group:

    Please stay in touch, and keep reading, and keep discussing


  25. Charles West says:


    I will certainly check out the other book you mentioned, as I do enjoy the writings and sermons of Timothy Keller. I’m going to make my way through Martin Lloyd Jones book first. I have a tendency to start books but never finish them and since this one really touched my heart I’d like to keep moving on with it.

    I spent the day in Psalm 51 today. I find that too often we reserve this Psalm for moments of failure, but I think it should be read and prayed through even on a good day.

    It was a serious reminder that I came into this world a sinner, brought forth in iniquity (v. 5), which means it’s going to take more than just resolutions, good intentions and personal aspirations to be free from that which has bound me for so long. It requires a Savior, a wonderful Savior filled with lovingkindness and tender mercies with the ability to “WASH me… CLEANSE me… CREATE in me a clean heart… RENEW a steadfast spirit… RESTORE the joy of salvation and UPHOLD me by His generous Spirit.”

    One of the things that I found quite sobering was verse 17:

    The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will not despise.

    I was a little taken back by the word “despise.” Why would David use the word “despise” in reference to God receiving someone with a broken and contrite heart? I would expect David to say something like, “These, O God, You will receive joyfully.” But he doesn’t.

    Then it dawned on me. As I read that verse I was reminded of what Nathan the prophet said to David when he confronted him about his sin. (2 Sam 12:9-10) He asked: “Why have you DESPISED the commandment of the Lord to do evil in his site?” Through the prophet, God says to David: “…you have DESPISED Me…”

    It is a frightening and sobering thought to think that you can have a history of deep fellowship with God as a young shepherd boy, praying, singing, worshipping and penning some of the most astounding Psalms, you can be used of God to do the mightiest of deeds like slaying Goliath, you can be classified as a “man after God’s own heart,” and even be chosen by God to be the king of His miracle nation —and yet reach a place in your life where you sink low enough to be accused of “despising” God.

    To him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall.

    I thought of my own life, how God called me to Himself when I was just a young boy and all the blessings that He so freely bestowed on me all these many years, all the mercy and forgiveness that He showed time and time again, His astounding patience, all the biblical truth that I found to be so incredible, all the beauty that I saw in my precious Savior —and yet I had to confess that when I walk away from God to fulfill my own lustful desire it comes from a heart that DESPISES God. Unbelievable.

    David probably thought long and hard on those words of Nathan and especially the accusation of being one who DESPISED God.

    Is it any wonder that in David’s prayer of repentance he uses the very word that he was accused of:

    The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will NOT DESPISE.

    It is almost like David was saying, “Lord, it is true. I have despised You. But I am confident that as I come to You in brokenness and with a contrite heart, I know that You will NOT DESPISE me.”

    And that is so typical of our Savior. Full of loving kindness and tender mercies.


  26. Alec says:

    Very happy to find your website. I am a recovering sex addiction turned on by crossdressing since age 14. I am 53 now. I am going through SA and try to be a Christian as well. Difficult to control when wife is out of town, not so hard when with her but get withdrawal symptoms which can result in anger and depression. I am working through it though and have masturbated much less this summer, which has caused me to CD much less. I have been with sexaholics anonymous for three months now. I feel more human though and more of a man when I can stay sexually sober. I am glad you have your site. Too many people give in to their desires. CD recovery sites need to grow. I seek help as some others do on crossdressers.com but I always hear the.same thing, pro CD comments, or CDing is not an addiction, can never get rid of it, etc…..of course that is what people will hear on a pro CD site, kind of like an alcoholic showing up at a college fraternity party where beer is worshipped.
    I would like to give my testimony, where can I post?


  27. thorin25 says:

    haha your comment about the fraternity was pretty funny. So good to hear from you. Thank you for stopping by and wanting to share your story.

    If you want to write up your testimony, I can share it here as a guest post – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/guest-posts-2/

    I will email you so you have my email, just email your final draft


  28. Charles West says:


    I’m glad for the good work you are doing here. But I’m going to have to bail from your website. I find when I read people’s stories, testimonies and in some cases ongoing struggles, it stirs up feelings and emotions which cause me to think about crossdressing rather than flee from it. I seem to do fine throughout the week when I focus on God’s word but I notice when I check in on the website it starts to remind me of things I’d rather not allow into my head. I am confident that many men are getting help from this site, but it seems to have the opposite affect on me. Thank the Lord I have not fallen (as of yet) but I think if I keep referring to the crossdressing it just may open some doors for me I’d rather not face. Continue your good work and may the Lord bless you.


  29. Alec says:

    I totally understand. I belong to Sexaholics Anonymous and we’re very careful about triggers, of which someone caused me to slip last weekend. Thanks for the reminder as I am trying to put together my own testimony to be careful of what I say.


  30. thorin25 says:

    I understand Charles. Don’t worry. But I would challenge you in one way. Sometimes we only escape temptation because we are suppressing it, we distract ourselves. But this can be dangerous, because temptations will come. Eventually we can no longer keep the distractions at bay. Reading a site like this forces you to face the temptations, think through them, and then exercise self control. I tried for years to fight it the way you are doing, but i would continue to fail a couple times a month. It was when I finally stopped, faced the desires, thought them through, analyzed them, and then made a clear decision to resist them, that I finally started healing. Now I can work on this blog every day and it doesn’t throw me at all. But in the end, you know yourself best and what you need. So if it’s best for your walk with God to stop checking in here, that is fine. God bless you!


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