I am glad you found your way to this site.  Please enjoy reading my reflections on this difficult and confusing topic of crossdressing.  The intention of this site is to build a network of resources and a community of people trying to fight their crossdressing addictions together, and giving each other encouragement and advice.  Further, I write to help people think about crossdressing from a Christian and biblical perspective.  Hopefully this site can help us to understand ourselves better and find healing and forgiveness and freedom in our Lord Jesus Christ.   The issues of crossdressing and gender dysphoria surely have caused most of us great pain, anguish, and frustration in our private, public, and spiritual lives.

I am not an expert, but over the years I have worked hard at reading as many articles and books that I can about these issues, even those that I radically disagree with.  I still have much to read and learn.  I write out of my personal experience, my reading about crossdressing, my faith, and the theological education I have received.  I am a Christian pastor.  I myself used to struggle with the desire to crossdress and starting this site was one way for me to get support and healing for myself from this addiction while trying to help others at the same time.  In 2011, God gave me great victory over this struggle and I have been going strong ever since, with only a few times of struggle and failure.  You can read more about my story on the “About” page.  Through this blog a whole community of men have come together and given up their crossdressing addictions.  Some of them have even written on this blog not only through comments, but through “Guest Posts.”

Please feel free to comment and discuss even if you disagree with me.  I hold all email addresses with confidentiality, but for those of you who are rightly worried about security and anonymity, it’s easy to make a new email address with anonymous names, which you could do before commenting here.  While the point of this website is to help those who are trying to resist crossdressing, I welcome good comments from anybody even if you think crossdressing is a healthy activity.  I enjoy debating to a point, and will try to discuss with you in a healthy, peaceful way.  Perhaps we can have mutual learning and growth through the discussion.  I have been greatly helped by other bloggers, organizations, and articles which I have posted links to.  But as you comment, please keep in mind the purpose of my site.   I approve each comment individually.  I would rather just have comments completely open, but I have learned to monitor them because of past commenters crossing the line and harassing other commenters, or trolling.

Although I usually make clear distinctions between crossdressing as a sexual fetish addiction and crossdressing as a result of gender dysphoria/transgenderism, in some of my posts I talk about both at once with little distinction, and I have been criticized for doing so.  I am not ignorant of the important distinctions between the two issues.  But when I have not distinguished the two issues within an individual post, it is because my arguments against both issues are largely the same arguments and many posts apply to both issues equally.  There is far more overlap between these two gender issues than most people want to admit.  See this post for my thoughts about terms, labels, and types of crossdressers.

Thank you for being willing to read my thoughts.  If they help you, to God be the glory for what he has done in my life.  I thank him for being willing to use me.  Please comment below if you would like prayer in your struggle and I promise to dedicate time in prayer for you.

If you want some guidance in reading my posts, you can start with what I consider to be my “most important posts.”



*Please do not post your email in the body of the comment itself. It is important to protect yourself from spam and potential harassment by never publicly posting your personal information (such as your email address) on this or any other blog. Rest assured that I will keep your email address confidential.

530 comments on “Welcome!

  1. Paul Samson says:

    Hi Goodman …

    I’m so glad that you found your way here. Thorin is travelling at the moment and so is unable to respond, but will be in touch when he’s back.

    I did try emailing you privately but it wasn’t delivered for some reason.

    Like you, I struggled with CD for years, and didn’t want to share with anyone, and so carried the guilt and shame for a long time. It was only when I opened up in the safety of this group that I found healing. There are still days where I have to fight hard, as with any addiction, but by God’s grace I’m gaining the victory.

    I’ll be praying for you, brother. There is hope and healing.

    God bless,


  2. Goodman says:

    Thanks paul,
    Sent my e-mail again.


  3. Paul Samson says:

    Hi Goodman, have just tried to reply again. It’s saying that your email can’t receive emails. Do you want to check your settings? Paul


  4. Goodman says:

    think its fixed.


  5. Paul Samson says:

    Hi Goodman,

    Unfortunately it’s still bouncing. Thorin is back soon and may be able to do something his end. I will keep trying as well.

    In the mean time please be assured of my prayers for you. You are at the right place and we really want to welcome you into the prayer group, and Thorin will set that up when he’s back.

    God bless brother,


  6. John says:

    Hi my name is John, well not really. I am a 35 year old Christian man and I’ll be honest, I love to cross-dress. I am not homosexual nor do I have any desire to actually be a woman. I have a beautiful girlfriend I am planning on proposing to soon whom I have yet to tell. Currently I am struggling with deciding whether or not I need to stop crossdressing. I have been back and forth on the issue a lot in the past 3 months since I have got back into it for the first time since returning to a solid faith in Christ.
    I grew up in a Christian home that was rather legalistic. My crossdressing started around age 14 with wearing my mother’s slips. I only did it once in awhile but when I became older I occasionally would buy slips for myself. It was not a big deal for me at first. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I really got into it. I started wearing slept as much as I could. I love to sleep in them and would often wear them underneath my clothes. During this time I was still attending church although the church was not solidly based on the Bible and did not have a true teaching of God’s grace and power for us. I would go through cycles of feeling all guilty and throwing away my women’s clothes and then later buying more. I tried to stop but only could for a while and then I will be back at it. I often struggled with feelings of guilt and shame over it because of that one scripture in Leviticus about men not wearing women’s clothes and women not wearing men’s. On kind of a side note my old church was one of those that use that same verse to condemn every woman who wore pants. I now know that was a clear misuse of scripture so I kind of doubt you can use that scripture alone to condemn every man who likes to wear a dress either. Well back to my story. I was struggling with feelings of guilt and shame but felt powerless to do anything about it for a long time. Because the church I was in was more about keeping the law then Grace I felt guilty about many things besides just wearing slips.
    When I was 30 years old I became convinced that I was doomed to Hell Without hope of ever being saved and slipped into a very severe mental breakdown. I was believing lies from the church I was going to that cause me to have this false view of Christ. I believed he hated me and cursed me with devils and mental illness. I was suicidal for a year and tried to kill myself many times but God never let me pull the trigger on multiple guns I had access to. About 2 years ago after slowly recovering partially from the mental illness I really got into crossdressing. I started wearing dresses in public and dressing up with makeup and wigs. Most people who cross-dress don’t do it in public because they’re worried about what other people think about them. But because of the effects of the mental illness I was still suffering with I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me and as for it being a sin I was sure God hated me anyways so it didn’t matter. This went on for about a year until by God’s grace my faith in him was renewed through church and a Ministry called Celebrate Recovery as well as the life lived by my Godly girlfriend.
    Once I came back to God I felt the need to get rid of all my women’s clothes. I stayed away from crossdressing for about a year during which time my relationship with Christ and my girlfriend continued to grow.
    3 months ago or so I was going through a rough patch in my relationship with my girlfriend and tried on some dresses and liked it. So I got back into it. As a Christian I cared a lot about weather what I was doing was okay with God or not. I prayed about it a lot even before I got started in it again and for some reason at first I really felt like God was okay with what I was doing. I felt more comfortable wearing women’s clothes than ever before. I even wore a dress to a major Church in my area one Sunday just to see if I would feel as comfortable worshipping God in a dress as I did dressed as a man. I only did it once because I don’t really like to draw attention to myself at church but that time I did it I kind of felt like God was okay with it. I asked the pastor if it was sinful and he said it was not necessarily sinful but I should check my motives. He did caution that as a Christian my purpose was to reach people for Jesus and I could not reach many people dressed as a woman.
    Like I said for the first month or two I felt like it was okay. I seem to actually feel better about crossdressing after praying about it than before. There was this one time I was in Walmart trying on dresses and I actually said to myself. “For the first time I can really enjoy crossdressing because I no longer need to feel guilty” It seemed like more of a hobby and I felt mostly masculine even dressed as a woman. It wasn’t until I started focusing more on myself for sexual gratification that it seemed like what had seemed to me as a pet kitten in some ways turned into more of a tiger that I felt like was going to eat me. I started becoming more self-focus which as a Believer I do not like. Around the same time I quit the last of the medications I had been taking for my mental health because my health had improved. Doing this cause withdrawal symptoms which brought back a lot of the old feelings of mental illness. These feelings only compounded the self Focused feelings I was feeling from crossdressing. This brought back the feelings of guilt and shame. Now it seems like the more I try to stop the more I want to do it. I don’t like desires having control over me. I like to feel like I’m in control of them so this aspect of It scares me at the moment.
    I should tell you a little bit about myself. When I’m dressed as a man I consider myself more masculine than a lot of men. Right now I am wearing a pair of overalls and a very masculine flannel shirt. As a man I am one of those men who often feel the need to be the tough guy. This is part of why I like crossdressing. In some ways when I’m dressed as a woman I feel more relaxed. Yes of course, like every other crossdresser there is a sexual connection as well which I see as unhealthy at the moment when I’m not physically with my girlfriend. I used to think that being married and channeling this sexual energy towards my wife would fix this aspect. I’m now not so sure.
    I am conflicted on the issue right now because I am struggling with clearly seeing it as okay or wrong to cross-dress. If I told you it was all bad for me to do it that would not be true. But if I told you it was all good that would not be true either. We might as well be honest. To me it has both its benefits and its liabilities. I see it as both adding and detracting from my relationship with my girlfriend. One of the ways it adds to my relationship with her is that I find certain clothes she wears more attractive on her because I also like to wear them myself. In this way it grows my attraction to her which is healthy. I love to shop for clothes for her. It also detracts by at times making me more self-focus so I feel less attracted to her. I don’t like this. For some time I have been fantasizing about doing it together with her and thinking that this would take care of the negative side effects. I am now not so sure that this is true. Yes this would be very fun for me but would it be fun for her I don’t know. Basically I want to continue doing it and only get what I see are positive side effects without the negative side effects. Realistically I know this is kind of like saying you would like to take drugs because they make you feel good but not have any bad side effects. I know in the real world this doesn’t usually work no matter what the drug is.
    Another thing is that I, like the author of this page, have been feeling the call to preach in some way the past few months. I see that is something that God has in his plan for me and I do see the crossdressing especially in public as something that could interfere with that plan. I know I am not homosexual but I also know that most people who see me dressed as a woman probably think I am. I don’t really like this. But it’s fun and I still care less about what other people think of me than most.
    I have read stories that it is impossible for a man to stop crossdressing. Well I have been active in Celebrate Recovery for the past year. Celebrate Recovery has helped perhaps hundreds of thousands of people break the chains of many different addictions through the power of Jesus Christ and support of fellow believers. As for whether or not I can break free of the crossdressing. I am that with the help of Christ and a support system I can. Right now I am still struggling with wondering if I need to. To borrow from Celebrate Recovery you might say I was in denial.
    I think the next step for me is to discuss this in detail with my girlfriend whom I believe will be my wife before too long. I know she can provide the motivation I need to quit if she doesn’t like it. It’s just a little scary to mention the subject right now. You could say why finding your site and others like it I am lining up a support system already should I make the Clear Choice to step away from the crossdressing. I also know that as my mental health continues to stabilize while my brain gets used to functioning without the drugs I will be able to make a more clear-cut decision. I am a stubborn person at times which I can use to my advantage. I also I’m not afraid to turn to others for help when I need it. I do think living with my girlfriend and being married to her would help me not me to need to dress as a woman as much. I think it would be easier to just let her wear the dresses I like. If, with the right support, a man can quit doing heroin and meth I am sure I can quit this addiction as well. I guess right now I am just waiting on seeing the clear need to get started in that path.


  7. thorin25 says:

    Goodman, I’m here now, you can discuss with me on my questions page:
    Or you can check your email, I’ll try to email you as well


  8. thorin25 says:

    John, thank you so much for your post and your story. Thank you for being honest about where you are at. I’m the author of this page. Let me share with you some of my quick reflections, and we can talk more as you read more.

    First, Celebrate Recovery I’ve heard is a great program. Thank you for the testimony about it.

    Second, you really need to deal with that shame and guilt. In Christ, we should be set free from that shame and guilt. I highly highly highly highly suggest this really short book that will help you to apply the good news of the Gospel better to your heart – Prodigal God by Tim Keller –
    Just download it and read it now. https://www.amazon.com/Prodigal-God-Recovering-Heart-Christian/dp/1594484023/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522086549&sr=8-1&keywords=prodigal+god

    Third, I’m not going to type up something long to help you sort out whether crossdressing is wrong or harmful or not. My position is quite clear, but I’ll point you in the right direction to read more of my posts about it from a Christian and from a neutral perspective – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/summary-of-why-crossdressing-is-sinfulharmful/
    You can read that post and the posts it links too. For me, it is fundamentally clear. If you read my posts carefully and fully, and still are not sure, please fire away with your questions and comments.

    Fourth, for dealing with what I think is you splitting aspects of your personality, letting out some parts only when you crossdress, and overcompensating when you aren’t – see this post about integrating your identity into wholeness – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/an-alternative-method-integration-and-contentment/

    Fifth, if you decide to tell your fiance – read these two posts fully – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/wives-of-crossdressers-chat/

    Sixth, if you pray about this and make a firm decision to quit, please join our group – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    Keep in touch


  9. Andrew says:

    John, I also want to thank you for your testimony and just want to say welcome to the club! Thorin has shared with you the posts that you need you to read. I would just say this to you my friend that there is light at the end of your tunnel and Celebate along with accountability either here or there will be a real asset to recovery. One thing that hit me in your story is how self involved you are and that is part of the problem with this sin. Re read your post and notice how much of it has really nothing to do with others including your fiancée. That is the problem with this sin, it is all about me, me wonderful me! As Thorin suggested in the group you will find a lot of support and love. I look forward to conversing with you.



  10. Jason says:

    I identify with your article. I am a born again believer but have struggled with crossdresser addiction since I was 14. I am now 36. I want to stop. Any advice would be appreciated.


  11. thorin25 says:

    Jason, I’m glad you found your way here. I and others here are glad to help you and support you. I will pray for you right now before I proceed with this comment…

    I suggest a good starting point is to keep reading my blog and make sure you understand why you want to quit, what it’s gonna take, and how you can go about it. Here is a good place to start –

    Also consider joining our prayer group. We would love to support you and give you prayer and accountability as you seek to quit. Sign up there if you want to join – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/


  12. LostInAddiction says:

    I’m in such a low place right now. My wife caught me crossdressing with the picture I took when I dressed up in her clothes. I’m so ashamed especially because I haven’t given into the desires in so many years. I’m a horrible person to her by my many failed attempts at stopping my addictions. Drinking and porn addiction I kept telling her I would stop but kept going back too. She given me so many chances but every time I would break down and do them again. I thought I could fight my temptations on my own. But the moment I stop consciously trying to stop I would end up doing them again.
    Are marriage starting to fall apart and in my depression I turned to crossdressing. Not only did I do it I saved the pictures of me on the phone. She finds out and I’m so ashamed and embarrassed when she confronts me with the pictures. I hurt here so much and now she starting the process of separating and selling are house. My two oldest knows about too because in my wife distraught they realize what was happening.
    I pray to God she can forgive me and give me another chance. And I pray to God to help me stop my destructive addictions cross dressing, alcoholism and porn. I want to stop so bad and I’m so depressed that I do those things. This site has help me so much just reading the 12 steps and the blogs attached to them. Its so hard not being able to talk any one about this. I can really use so advice or support right now.


  13. thorin25 says:

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately you are reaping the consequences of your own actions, the consequences of sin. Yet I know but for God’s grace that would have been me too. I feel your pain. These addictions take control of our lives and we don’t know how we got to where we did.

    Let me speak truth, in an attempt to help you. Trying to go it on your own is a sign of stupid sinful pride. The first thing you need to do is to humble yourself before God and before people. Marriage issues aside, if you want freedom from these addictions, run to Jesus for forgiveness and commit your life to him. Go talk to your pastor immediately. And if you don’t have one, you can find the nearest church and talk to the pastor there. Second, you are not going to find freedom from these addictions without help. Look for the nearest Celebrate Recovery group in your area, or AA, or sexaholics anonymous, or a church small group, or a pastor and accountability partner to help you.

    Your wife is acting rationally. It totally makes sense to leave you. You’ve lied to her for years and you keep going back to addictions. You have never taken any hard steps to try to quit. You simply tell yourself and her that you will quit, and then keep failing. Your only chance to save this marriage is to commit to real action and start taking those actions immediately. Talk to a pastor, join a group, install software on your computer to protect against porn, get a real life accountability partner, fall on your knees in repentance before your wife and tell her all the many changes you will make so that this will never happen again. If you ask for forgiveness but don’t pledge to make any changes, then of course she should not believe you.

    Here is a post that should get you thinking of ideas – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2014/12/31/no-more-half-measures/

    Whatever happens in your marriage, let this be a wake up call in your life, so that you can repent of your sin and be reconciled to God through Jesus. Let this be a new beginning in your life, a life you will live without addiction, in freedom, in worship of God and obedience to him.

    If you do all of this, and your wife decides to take your effort to heal from these addictions seriously, then she might be helped by reading this post as you go forward together – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2015/11/04/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser-or-transgendered-person/

    I will pray for you right now, keep talking to me, I’m here to help. It’s time to step up and be a man and take responsibility for your actions, repent, confess, go on your knees, humble yourself, and commit to a life of faithfulness and love and walking with God.


  14. CD wife says:

    Bravo Thorin for your wise and truthful words. I pray he takes heed.
    LostInAddiction if you do nothing else please tell your wife we are here for her. She didn’t deserve this you have choices it’s up to you to help yourself.


  15. Dave says:

    I’ll start by saying I just now discovered this site, and group is an answer to prayer. I feel this is a safe place to unload, and have others pray for my struggle, as I pray for them.
    I think the first step, like any addiction, is realizing there is an addiction. For years I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but lately have had to come to terms with my untethered desire. I am extremely closet with my cross-dressing, and have only told 2 people that were close to me. So this unlike me.

    I’m 35, have a girlfriend and I’m straight. I grew up a Christian, had a normal childhood with two loving parents, and had brothers and sisters a loving home and Nintendo. I’ve been baptized, committed myself to Christ, read the word regularly, pray daily and have an extensive knowledge of biblical doctrine. I’m a masculine looking guy, I work out, I’m tall, healthy and a pretty average man.

    My interest in cross- dressing started around 16. I was a good kid all the way, and have always tried to honor my parents. Since a very young age, I always found it interesting when people were forced into opposite roles. It was idea was fascinating; turning smart into stupid, talented to untalented, rich into poor, adult in baby, and man into woman, boy into girl. During puberty, discovering the internet was the worst thing that could happen. I soon found art, stories, and videos that feed the interests and began to pervert my desires.

    I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, and couldn’t get a girlfriend until my early twenties (which lasted maybe 2 weeks.) I didn’t date anyone again until my late twenties. I wasn’t ugly, fat, strange, awkward or suffer from a bad personality. For some reason, it was difficult for me to ask girls out. I had a very poor self-image, brought on though the lies of the devil. I just wasn’t a fan of me, hated my face, my being, and everything about me. If could clone myself, I’d want to beat me up. Due to issues with school and family, I had no one, and found a way to rebel in my own way. I found ways to express my inner desires and began to replicate the things I saw or fantasized about.

    I didn’t fully dress until 22, in the privacy of my room. I was never turned on by lingerie alone; I needed to fully transform myself to achieve my goal. The first time seeing fully dressed left an impact. I saw someone else, someone who wasn’t me. Seeing a different me became intoxicating. It was a form of escape, from life, rules, God or anything that was stressful. I would become this person, and change my mannerisms, tastes, likes, dislikes, beliefs etc. It wasn’t another personality, it was playing pretend and I had fun. That mindset became a retreat, and was nothing more than vanity, lust and every other sin combined.

    Dressing for the mirror soon wasn’t good enough, so I began to chat online with others who shared my interests. My tastes in clothes became extremely niche and thus became expensive. I still wrestled with what I was doing. I would indulge, then feel shame, hate myself and toss out everything. I was a pattern, I’d have the clothes for maybe a month, purge everything, then a month later, re-buy everything. I’ve gone so far as to throw everything in the garbage, and go at my stuff with scissors. Many time I’d be out on the curb at 3am, pulling everything back out and sewing things back together(even if they’d been in the garbage for days). That’s about how the first few years went. There were periods when I would go months without dressing, but it always come back stronger. I prayed a lot about it and knew it was sinful. Still, due to pride, I never sought help or recognized it as a problem.

    When I was around 27 things go much worse. I met-up with another local crossdresser around my age, who was also a homosexual. I am straight, but when I dressed it felt like I was someone else and it changed behaviors in a vile ways. I became a liar, lazy, impure, and would stay up all night talking to women and men in the crossdressing community. I even went so far as starting a website, posting my picture and videos. I would even do cam shows for whoever was interested. I became an attention whore. I couldn’t wait for compliments on my looks, my body or anything else. Dressing was almost a nightly endeavor. I avoided social outings with friends, family and even vacations so I could dress., Over the years met up with more men and women who wanted to share in this disgusting act. Strangely enough, I wasn’t having sex. I told myself it was okay as long as I wasn’t. I certainly wasn’t being pure, but I was doing everything else sexual, besides sex. I actually believed I wasn’t crossing lines.

    At 29, I met a girl, and got into my first serious relationship. My dressing decreased, but it would happen privately from time to time. After a year, that relationship ended and I met someone new. We had a close connection and she was the first person who knew the real me that I told about my dressing. For a while, the desire left. I fell in love, I wanted to marry her, praying about it daily for months. It ended poorly about a year later, after I discovered she’d been cheating on me. Being crushed I reverted to my old ways (surprise surprise) and went even further down.
    In the months that followed I emptied my savings buying expensive clothes and accessories. I met a local Mistress and committed myself to being her slave. I began to do things for her I would have never thought possible. I allowed myself to be manipulated and abused, all for the sake of fulfilling a desire that could never be filled.

    A few months later I met another girl. I really liked her, and I was soon faced with a choice, over which women I would commit myself too. I choose correctly, and we started dating. We started going to church together and eventually I told her about the dressing. After 4 years we are still dating, and I only dressed once in that time frame.

    The desire still keeps attacking me daily. I’ll say I’ve been clean since early February. I’ve been keeping myself busy, but the addiction just won’t go away. I do have a better self-image these days and I’ve learned how destructive this behavior is. I’ve prayed hundreds of times for it to leave, but I know it’s something I’ve done to myself. God has given me a way to escape each temptation. Just now actually I was tempted to buy more, but instead searched for a way of escape. Writing this is helping. In the past 5 years, I’ve dressed less than any other time in my life. In the past year, I only screwed up once. I’m proud of myself, as I’ve realized that dressing is a destructive addiction that practices sin.

    I can’t be more blessed and humbled by God’s unconditional love. No matter how far I’ve fallen he’s there ready to pick me back up. This addiction is so extremely difficult as It’s so personal, and family finding out would be horrible. Through repentance, being sober minded and cutting off myself from the internet (whenever possible) I’m winning the fight. It’s true sanctification, and each hour God will bring me closer to him. I would like to consider myself an X-crossdresser, but I have this horrible feeling that I’ll fall into it again. I hope this is something I don’t have to struggle with for the rest of my life. I know Satan will eventually flee, so I will just have to stay strong. I’m on better ground spiritually than I ever have been. If and when God provides me a wife, I want to be able to tell her this, and explain that it’s buried. Luckily, lingerie or other common ladies attire doesn’t do anything for me. My addiction is specific, so I won’t be tempted by my wife’s things, or if Victoria Secrets catches my eye. Still only a Google search away, and dresses alone will flood my brain with past memories and vile desires. I know I can get past this, but not alone, only with God. There is true healing, only found in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savoir


  16. thorin25 says:

    Dave thank you so much for the testimony. I’m thinking it might be good to share as a “guest post” what do you think? On this page – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/guest-posts-2/

    Thank you for appreciating my site. I’m glad you found your way here. Are you involved in a church, do you have an accountability partner? I’m really glad of the progress you’ve made, that is something to celebrate! But make sure you put measures in place, so you don’t fall back into addiction again.

    I encourage you to keep reading my posts, they will help you a lot. Please consider joining our prayer group as well –



  17. DeeDee says:

    Hello brother! I have to start by saying how thankful i am to have stumbled across this blog. Screaming out for help online or in real life typically results in people encouraging you to embrace this as some uncontrollable and inseparable part of self. They even say trying to heal from it will only make it worse and cause lasting damage You are doing truly good work here and i feel i came to this blog out of a prayer for guidance.

    I like many others have struggled with this my entire life and have never felt good about it. I have come to understand some things and have become more confused by others. I have sought help in many ways and still felt as i was doing it alone. I know that the Lord our Father has been with me every step of the way even being disgusted by my affliction he has never left me but its easy to feel alone when you brush against the grain. I’m not sure how all this began and not sure why i cant get it to just go away but i feel like i’m failing my God. The thought that my problems which feel so big to me could cause him pain is unbearable and beyond my intent. It has never been about rebellion i just wanted more comfortable clothing. I wanted to feel right in my skin but i know that i have been deceived. Its truly difficult and i’ve read a good deal of your post and have seen some aspects of self reflected in the writing. I feel uplifted to know that there are so many others who are self disturbed and trying to get back to the Father. How could we have strayed so far?

    As i said i feel strongly that this blog or at least my finding it is response to prayer. No one could understand fully if they haven’t been in our shoes and the people in our shoes don’t typically speak from a place of repentance or love but acceptance or hatred. I had almost given up the fight thinking it to be an unwinnable battle but am restored in hope through your understandings.

    My struggle is not much to speak of as i have never found stories that reflect completely my whys and hows. I’m certain that all of our struggles will differ in as many ways as they are similar. Im trying to keep this short but have been dealing solo for a long time so i apologize if i ramble a bit. Its easy after having read both your post as well as the comments to see how much of an impact something so seemingly insignificant can truly have on our lives and the those who share it with us. I have spoken little in my life about this affliction or its impact on me. I live so frightened at times that even in the pursuit of healing i’d be misunderstood or scorned. I know there are so many contributing factors to this affliction all so intimately connected and yet still so incredibly separate. Most afflictions men face can be dealt with publicly. They can be brought to our circles and our friends will brace us to keep us strong through it but this one often seems better to suffer in silence. You can not speak of it with out piling on a mountain of assumptions which generally lead to negative results. But how many friends would so easily turn their back on a brother if he had prostate cancer or lost a limb in an accident or struggled with alcoholism? What other affliction faced by men receives any similar response? Further what does it say about us as men that we would turn on others who face such an incredible amount of pain and self hatred to suffer it alone? I have come to strongly feel that this affliction has a lot to do with how men are constantly forced to live in our world. A life of contradiction and confusion. One where we’re valued more for our utility than any other factor. The double standards alone would be enough to drive any person mad and our society continues to build more. Its ok for women to have safe spaces but not men. Its ok for women to wear clothing for comfort but if men do it it must be sexual. Its ok for women to seek help but men are ostracized for the same. I’ve been hurting about this for so long and have had no where but God to turn to. That should be enough but for my own wretchedness i feel too far to hear his voice as clearly as i should. I know i’m on a rant now i just cant seem to make my thoughts clear in my mind or in the open. Please know that i will pray for others to find this blog that may benefit from it but myself don’t actually know any cross dressers(Aside from self that is.).

    Lastly i must share revelation received out of prayer pertaining to those who are pressed to change their flesh. I had lived thinking how could any in the bible understand this when they were never faced with these struggles as we have. I found my answer in reading. It was Yeshua who himself faced a similar struggle during his 40 days and nights in the desert. Not pertaining to his flesh i know it took me a minute to understand too. But when the devil tempted him to abuse his divine power to change a stone into bread it was the same. The devil wanted him to take what the Father had made and called good and transform it into something to satiate desires of the flesh. To change it into something that would bring him comfort in the now but would make it impossible not to do with every stone. “Man shall not live on bread alone”. The struggle though extensively different is entirely the same the devil still tries to get man to take that which God has made and called good and turn it into something to satiate the desires of the flesh. I feel we must take Brother Yeshua’s lead here and remind the deceiver that “man shall not live on bread alone”

    I apologize again for my lengthy comment. I am simply a mix of pain and joy. A massive weight is lifted knowing that others are dealing with unwanted desires. I appreciate what you are doing here and i love you all as i love myself. Stay strong brothers. There is hope foreword.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. thorin25 says:

    DeeDee, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, appreciation and kindness. That means a lot. I am also very thankful that you found your way to my site. I encourage you to keep reading. From your comment, everything you say points to the idea that you would benefit a lot from joining our prayer group, so that you have other brothers who understand your pain and know how to help you and would love to pray for you. I encourage you to think about joining us.



  19. Rachel Rose says:

    Hello Thorin25. Do you have a pie graph on your site as to why a person would stop cross-dressing? I am trying to find the reasons why someone stops arrange by percentage.


  20. thorin25 says:

    I don’t have that sorry. It would be useful to have, but at this point, it is impossible data to gather. Most of the people who read this site don’t ever comment at all. Those that do, aren’t regular enough to make sure we got their answers. And by far the vast majority of people who have stopped crossdressing are not spending any more minute of their time than absolutely necessary to think about it, thus they aren’t coming and reading my website. They have moved on, and I wish them well, they don’t need to keep thinking about this stuff

    If we organized such a survey we would also have to carefully define “stop”. Someone who wants to stop but still fails every once in a while, but is always trying to stop? Or only someone who hasn’t done CD in a whole year has really stopped? Etc..


  21. Calasun25 Ilyarun says:

    Just a quick thought, although I have and still do struggle with crossdressing/mtf transgender desires life is better without it. I’m just over the three month mark with marajuiana and around 2 weeks for crossdressing which is great! I have read your blog occasionally in the past and am glad that you have taken time to share your personal struggle with this overly complicated topic, this blog gives me a bit of hope that one can overcome these wrongful desires.

    On a side note I noticed your username is Thorin25, back in the day I use to post on the LoTR boards on deciphers website creating LoTR cards/deck strategies etc and there was another guy who used your username of Thorin25..Just curious if that was you? That would have been in 2005/2007 thereabouts..


  22. thorin25 says:

    Calasan, thank you so much for the comment. Thank you for the appreciation. And well done! You are just getting started on your recovery from these addictions, but you have a great start! You CAN control what you give in to, and you can experience freedom also. Keep coming back here if you need our support and encouragement. Think about joining our prayer group as well.

    Sorry, I think that Thorin25 must be someone else, I’m not familiar with that website.


  23. Rachel Rose says:

    Thorin I wish you had a chat mode: I read things on you site and it gets me thinking. It takes too long to gather my thoughts onto a post here. I have no one to chat with. I have cut off ALL of my CD friends. They only got me into trouble anyway. My counsler is not helping so I left. I have commented on the Wive’s Page but will stay away from there. I jus feel like no one has answers.


  24. thorin25 says:

    Feel free to post your questions here or on individual posts. This blog has seasons of lots of activity and seasons of people not posting too much. But if you post your questions, probably some people will engage with you. I will at least. What answers are you looking for? I’m not saying this out of arrogance but to me at this point, everything seems pretty clear. I don’t know how our crossdressing started to begin with, but why it’s harmful is clear, why we should stop is clear, and how to overcome the addiction and live a free and satisfying life is clear. Not necessarily easy to do those things, but the path forward is clear. You just have to make the decision whether to quit and heal from this, or not.


  25. CD wife says:

    Rachel Rose i don’t feel comfortable about giving any advise to a CD but i hope what i am going to suggest may be of help. I know for a fact that some CDs go to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and have been helped by bringing it into the light working the programme and sharing with others who may or may not have the same issues and hopefully you will receive the support that helps you.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. thorin25 says:

    SAA is a great recommendation. I would also encourage you to start here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/my-perspective/
    What is the meaning of life?


  27. marielee930 says:

    Cross dressing is a love affair with a desire. It is trying to live as though a fantasy we’re real. It is not real, and it is not love. It is a lie.


  28. marielee930 says:

    Cross dressing is a love affair with a desire. It is trying to live as though a fantasy we’re real. It is not real, and it is not love. It is a destructive lie. That is true if all our addictions. A pleasure that becomes paramount above God and real people. It captivates our thinking and the pleasure centers of our brain until we find ourselves to actually be held captive and unable to break free even if we want to. There is a way to break free, though it is an excruciatingly painful process at first. With the help of God and those who love us, we have to cut it off and put it to death. There may be phantom pain afterward sometimes, and we may need to lean hard on Jesus and compassionate friends for the rest of our lives. But it is far better to be free, and truly healed, sharing in real life and real love.


  29. CD wife says:

    marielee thank you for such an enlightening post . I would add a twelve step spiritual programme is vital as well.
    Your words are so true and there is nothing that cannot be healed with God’s help. But they have to want recovery and that’s the problem few do. Prayers all round are needed.
    Thank God for Thorin and his encouragement for the men. There is very little on the internet for them.


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