It’s been 19 days since my last failure with crossdressing related things. That seems like forever ago, but in the scheme of things, that is a depressingly short amount of time. The upside is that I have had countless much longer periods of victory over crossdressing before this. But this 19 days is a fresh start in some ways. It marks the general time that I began to get connected to some others of you online who are also fighting this addiction. And the time I began this blog.
Just the sense of fighting together with others and the fulfillment I am getting from starting a blog (which I hope will help others in the future), has greatly helped me. I am not avoiding the idea of crossdressing in my head. I’m facing it head on, but still resisting the urges. And I’m allowing God to start using this addiction for good in my life, rather than harm. The last few weeks have felt really really good. I’m enjoying life more, feeling better about myself, and wasting much less time. I’m more attracted to my wife and feeling good about time spent with her. I feel less of a hypocrite in my ministry, and I have been able to minister to others with much greater passion, energy, integrity, and effectiveness.
After such a short time, I can still honestly say the desires are no longer there to crossdress or to read about crossdressing. Sometimes I’ll let myself even think about crossdressing on purpose and it just seems kind of silly, stupid, and unpleasurable. This makes it much easier to keep on resisting. I’m over that first difficult hump. I’m not naive enough to think that the desires will never come back. I’ve been in this place too many times before. But by continually working on this blog, I think I will be able to keep my guard up better when the temptations come again. Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy I haven’t had much time to work on more posts, or even finish the “about me” section, but I will soon.
There is also the weird issue of not desiring crossdressing, but still desiring sexual pleasure. Today I knew I was in a vulnerable position after having a bad dream about a time years ago when my now wife gave me lots of pain emotionally. I was ready to jump on the computer and fail even though I didn’t have any desires to crossdress. I’ve also been in this position many times before. Crossdressing seems dumb now, but I know if I jump on the computer and start reading crossdressing stories it will start becoming pleasurable again real quickly. So the danger is that I seek out sexual pleasure in my old habit way of getting it, as a way to deal with my pain, or deal with my boredom, or deal with sexual struggles in marriage. And doing that would start the crossdressing desires up fresh again for a few weeks. And that is what has been happening the last few years. That is usually how my periods of victory would end up coming to an end, not because of a desire to crossdress, but because of giving into the habit of what I know will eventually give me sexual pleasure.
So today, I said “NO.” No, I am going to give my pain of my past, and the current marriage frustrations I have today, and give them over to God right now. I’m going to find my security and comfort in him, rather than going to my old habit. And I can say that God did comfort me and take away my pain. And I thank him for it. Thank you Jesus for being with me.