Progress Report 9-29-11

It’s been 19 days since my last failure with crossdressing related things.  That seems like forever ago, but in the scheme of things, that is a depressingly short amount of time.  The upside is that I have had countless much longer periods of victory over crossdressing before this.  But this 19 days is a fresh start in some ways.  It marks the general time that I began to get connected to some others of you online who are also fighting this addiction.  And the time I began this blog.

Just the sense of fighting together with others and the fulfillment I am getting from starting a blog (which I hope will help others in the future), has greatly helped me.  I am not avoiding the idea of crossdressing in my head.  I’m facing it head on, but still resisting the urges.  And I’m allowing God to start using this addiction for good in my life, rather than harm.  The last few weeks have felt really really good.  I’m enjoying life more, feeling better about myself, and wasting much less time.  I’m more attracted to my wife and feeling good about time spent with her.  I feel less of a hypocrite in my ministry, and I have been able to minister to others with much greater passion, energy, integrity, and effectiveness.

After such a short time, I can still honestly say the desires are no longer there to crossdress or to read about crossdressing.  Sometimes I’ll let myself even think about crossdressing on purpose and it just seems kind of silly, stupid, and unpleasurable.  This makes it much easier to keep on resisting.  I’m over that first difficult hump.  I’m not naive enough to think that the desires will never come back.  I’ve been in this place too many times before.  But by continually working on this blog, I think I will be able to keep my guard up better when the temptations come again.  Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy I haven’t had much time to work on more posts, or even finish the “about me” section, but I will soon.

There is also the weird issue of not desiring crossdressing, but still desiring sexual pleasure.  Today I knew I was in a vulnerable position after having a bad dream about a time years ago when my now wife gave me lots of pain emotionally.  I was ready to jump on the computer and fail even though I didn’t have any desires to crossdress.  I’ve also been in this position many times before.  Crossdressing seems dumb now, but I know if I jump on the computer and start reading crossdressing stories it will start becoming pleasurable again real quickly.  So the danger is that I seek out sexual pleasure in my old habit way of getting it, as a way to deal with my pain, or deal with my boredom, or deal with sexual struggles in marriage.  And doing that would start the crossdressing desires up fresh again for a few weeks.  And that is what has been happening the last few years.  That is usually how my periods of victory would end up coming to an end, not because of a desire to crossdress, but because of giving into the habit of what I know will eventually give me sexual pleasure.

So today, I said “NO.” No, I am going to give my pain of my past, and the current marriage frustrations I have today, and give them over to God right now.  I’m going to find my security and comfort in him, rather than going to my old habit.  And I can say that God did comfort me and take away my pain.  And I thank him for it.  Thank you Jesus for being with me.

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8 comments on “Progress Report 9-29-11

  1. Jared says:

    I can completely relate to this, and it’s been something that I have had to deal with over the last month or so. My brain is still wired with crossdressing, as I have even had dreams where I was doing it. I too get pleasure sexually just by thinking about it, listening to audios, and so on. Wearing the clothing itself is not the problem for me anymore, it’s the thought of wearing them that’s the issue.

    I have made great progress is this area by gaining control over my thoughts, but it’s still something I am working at. The problem is that I get pleasure from the thought of wearing clothing, as opposed to actually being with a woman. I never think about having sexual relations with a woman, which is good, but my mind instead goes to crossdressing. It’s almost as if my wires are crossed. I continue to learn more and more over time however.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    I think it’s actually helpful for us to cultivate wholesome sexual fantasies. I’m not at all advocating looking at porn. But I think it would be helpful for you to imagine being with your possible future wife, and cultivate healthy sexual fantasies, and for me to cultivate good sexual fantasies of being with my wife.

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  3. Jared says:

    That’s not a bad way of looking at it, but the problem for me is that I don’t desire to get married.

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  4. I don’t know how, but somehow I missed the boat when it came to connecting crossdressing with sexual pleasure… and I’m sure glad it worked out that way because I know if I had been born a white rat I’d be the one pressed up against the pleasure button without ever once stopping to eat.

    I have a theory on why so many crossdressers end up needing the clothes to experience sexual release. For most of us, the dressing starts at or before puberty. I guess I can’t say with certainty that it’s the same for all guys, but I know when the sex machinery first came online, *everything* got me going if you catch my drift. It didn’t have to be explicitly sexual in nature — the sight of a pretty girl, an intense dream (on any subject), bumping up against a solid object, clothes rubbing against my crotch… it was all grist for the libido mill.

    So here you are at a point in your life where it takes very little to get you stimulated, and you put on some lingerie. BAM, right away the sensation of that soft fabric puts you in high gear, and very likely you, ah, follow that stimulation to its ultimate fulfillment. Repeat a few times and you have positive reinforcement.

    I’m sure we have all read about how that works. Connect a pleasurable reward with the act leading up to it often enough, and our brains figure out that if we keep doing that, we’ll keep getting the reward. So if your most frequent and intense sexual pleasure happens when you’re wearing silky clothes, you eventually come to believe that’s what you need to be happy.

    And thus, so my theory goes, is born the fetishist. We go from dressing and sexual release being separate events to “when I’m dressed, I am sexually fulfilled” to “I can’t get sexually fulfilled unless I’m dressed.”

    Not having a wife to share the gift of sex with does complicate things. I don’t have a problem with, ah, handling the need one’s self — for all of Onan’s bad rap as preached by people who think it’s a sin, his crime was in not fulfilling his obligation to carry on the family line. But if you do that, you can either associate the event in your mind with a physical sensation, which gets you right back to the fetish problem, or you can visualize a woman who is not your wife, which as Christ told us is adultery as soon as you conceive of it.

    Keep strong, brother. Maybe God’s long-term plan for healing is to change your heart so you have a desire to marry.

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  5. Jared says:

    You hit the nail on the head Ralph. I think your “theory” is pretty accurate. And that’s why it’s so hard for us to overcome.

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  6. trimiran says:

    Oh! Thankyou, I’m not alone.

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  7. Temptedsinner says:

    I have been frequenting this blog for several months reading different posts mostly the newer ones. I have decided to go to the “start” and make my way through all of Thorins posts as well as reading the comments. I would like to consider this as my new cross dressing home. A place to discuss our victories and our struggles. And a place to point to for others who tire of the secret life that most of us live.

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  8. thorin25 says:

    glad to hear it tempted!

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