Progress Report 10-6-11

Well the day I’ve been alternatively dreading and being excited for finally came.  My wife left on a trip and will be gone for 1 night.  I knew this was coming months ago.  When I heard about it way back then part of me thought, “oh no, that will be a hard night to resist temptation” and part of me thought “hmm, that gives me opportunity to dress up and do some things.”

The last time this happened, some 6 months ago or so, I was in a period of victory over my crossdressing addiction.  But when she left for a night that other time, I found myself putting on real nail polish for the first time in my life (after making sure I could take it off again using more nail polish).  And found myself wanting to go to bed in her babydoll.  Which by the way, I’ve done before, and got absolutely no sleep until I finally took it off.  I greatly regret my actions during her last trip.  I wasted so much time.  It was all pretty pointless.

So obviously, I was worried about this coming trip.  But I planned ahead, because I DO NOT want to fail again.  I told 2 of my accountability partners and told them to plan ahead to help me on this day, today and tomorrow.  Being the good guys they are, they both remembered to call me and check in on me. They both make sure I’m not giving in, not planning on giving in, and not lying to them.

I’m doing great.  I have no intention of failing, though even planning ahead for temptation, the temptations are very much stronger tonight than normal.  I’m not sure why, since I have alone time every day.  Maybe it’s just knowing I’m alone during the night and know I won’t get caught.   Honestly, the thought in my head is “I just feel like being pretty tonight.”  But I need to stop and process that thought and figure out why I’m thinking such things.  If any of you were on the email prayer chain I want to start, you would have got an email to pray for me today 🙂

But I am resisting and feeling good about it.  I think I will spend my night playing video games and working on my Deuteronomy 22:5 blog post, which is taking me forever!  But eventually I’ll be done with it.

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8 comments on “Progress Report 10-6-11

  1. John says:

    Thorin,

    Going to the movies and renting DVD’s has also worked for me as a way to spend my time when I’m particularly in the throes of temptation. Of course, one has to be careful what one chooses to watch to avoid triggering. I support your use of accountability partners. Just putting it out there to them will certainly take some of the edge off the temptation. I would probably also go to a 12 step meeting for compulsive sexual behavior if I were married and my wife was out of town but that is one of my coping strategies and may not be yours. I will join your list of prayer partners during this time of temptation.

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  2. ikthys says:

    I’m sorry to get this so late. I hope everything worked out ok. There is no such thing as not getting caught. You and I both know that God sees, and you would HAVE to confess to your wife if you did. Don’t be deceived. Decide what you would do if she were standing right there. Be the same person in secret as you are in public… a man of integrity.

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the message ikthys. Good words. I really love your last line, “Be the same person in secret as you are in public, a man of intergrity.” Great wise words. Sometimes we just need someone to remind us of those things.

    I did not fail in any way over that time, even in my daydreaming, and my wife is back home, and I’m still going strong. I’m feeling really good and happy in life right now 🙂

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  4. le wetzel says:

    I’ve been encouraged by your site and another one you have linked to. I am seeking to shed this lifestyle myself as I am a sincere Christian. I pray you and the other individual will keep succeeding as it gives me hope as well.

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  5. Just now saw this whole thread… well played, Thorin! So your accountability partners know specifically what it is you are battling? Wow, I don’t think I could do that. I attend church in a very conservative, rural setting where there are more gun racks than televisions per household. Folks here equate all nonstandard gender issues — CD, TS, intersexed (hermaphrodite) as “gay” and the antipathy towards homosexuality is… well, obviously not the level of Fred Phelps but I have run into the occasional “I don’t entirely disagree with him, just his methods” attitudes.

    Since I am still on the fence about the morality of crossdressing, I have done some amazing mental gymnastics to justify the “same person in secret as you are in public” philosophy, which I preach to my (now grown) children constantly. I tell myself, taking a bath or sitting on the toilet is not something I would do in public or discuss with people either; they’re private activities to take care of a necessary physical need and in the same way (I justify to myself) dressing is a (supposedly) harmless activity that takes care of an inner need and doesn’t need to be the subject of conversation or something I do in public any more than my nudity or personal hygiene.

    If I were ever approached about it directly I should hope I will have enough personal integrity to speak the truth in its entirety, but I wish my church family (meaning the larger church of God, not my specific physical location) would rein back on the hostility and practice more of the “love the sinner, hate the sin” attitude we all express but rarely put into action.

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Hi Ralph, I certainly understand your fears. If you read my “about me” section, you’ll see that I told these guys when I was in high school. Maybe it was easier back then. Though one guy I told while in college. But people are smart, they can understand differences and nuances. It just takes time to explain to them what you do and what you feel about it. Of course the people need to be willing to listen.

    In our cases, we probably would get unfairly persecuted if all of a sudden we told a whole church. Let’s face it, the church is made up of sinful (but forgiven) people who often don’t take time to listen. But I think if you go 1on1, and take time with someone helping them to understand, it can work well. Not only will you benefit from a listening ear and a super close relationship, but they will too. And it will shape how they view people and the world forevermore. Probably will make them a more compassionate less judgmental person.

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  7. ikthys says:

    Yeah, the integrity issue can’t function as an overarching moral argument against crossdressing, just as a helpful encouragement to someone who is tempted to allow themselves to do things under the “nobody is watching” deception.

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  8. Jared says:

    “But I need to stop and process that thought and figure out why I’m thinking such things.” The why isn’t as important as being able to control your thoughts, and substitute thoughts of crossdressing for more positive, productive ones. I usually like to think about my goals while I am dealing with sexual urges. We can’t prevent thoughts from entering our minds, but we can change them to something else.

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