I was just pondering this morning about how the crossdressing side of me, in the past, just really felt like it needed that sexy dress or cute heels for me to feel good about myself. This is kind of tough to put into words, but I think you’ll understand what I’m saying. I would see a certain article of clothing maybe in a magazine and just crave it. I “needed” it. I needed to put it on and see myself in it and feel good about myself while watching myself in the mirror.
In our culture many women falsely buy into the notion that a certain article of clothing will somehow make them a better person or more complete in some sense. That one piece of clothing is what will finally make me attractive, they say to themselves. I NEED it. So they become shopaholics. Each piece of clothing they buy will make them feel better about themselves somehow. But each article of clothing fails in this impossible task, and so they become addicted to shopping. And they never find true meaning in life and true appreciation of who God made them to be.
I know someone very close to me who went through a very serious eating disorder, and besides the main aspects of eating disorders, part of her problem was something along these lines. She didn’t feel good about how she looked, and she felt like maybe buying the right clothes would help her to feel good about herself as a person. But of course that didn’t work. And she almost died in starving herself over the years. What got her out was realizing her value in God’s eyes apart from things like clothing. It’s interesting to me that both with eating disorders and with crossdressing, there is an element of looking into the mirror and being deceived. The one struggling with eating disorder sees herself as more ugly and fat than she really is, the crossdresser sees a beautiful woman instead of a man in a dress. One deception leads to death, and the other could possibly lead to living as a woman or a sex change.
This morning I wonder if perhaps we as crossdressers have bought into these false notions that plague so many women in our culture. Somehow we have taken in this disease, this lie of the culture, and it has affected us even though we are men. We don’t feel pretty, we don’t feel complete, we don’t feel good about ourselves. And like many women, we feel like the right dress, or right shoes, that we can wear in private, will somehow make us feel better about ourselves, and how we look. But like with the women, it is doomed to fail for us. We have to keep on dressing, and keep buying more clothing, because the clothing will never be able to make us feel complete or good about ourselves.
In the end doing this is sinful and even idolatry for men or women. It is trying to find our fulfillment and completeness in things rather than God, and that is only doomed to fail. Just something I’m wondering about. Anyone have thoughts to share?