I Won’t put on that Apron

Tonight while making dinner, my wife wanted me to put on an apron so that I didn’t ruin my clothes with oil splattering.  The only one we have is hers, and it’s not overly feminine, but feminine enough.  It’s patterned in tiny flowers and shaped more to a female.

Last time this came up while making a meal, I put the apron on as requested.  She knows about my crossdressing problems.  But we have had conversations about how men wear aprons too and it’s not a big deal.  Her view is that there is nothing feminine about wearing aprons.  And she seemed annoyed that I was worried about it.  So last time I put it on, and it seemed no big deal.  It certainly was no big deal to her.  She is vehemently opposed to me crossdressing, but to her wearing her apron was not crossdressing in the least.

However, to me it was a big deal.  I got small pleasure wearing the apron, but it was just awkward being with her in it.  And then it made me get thinking.  The next day after that episode, found me online looking up stories about “it all started with an apron.”  These were stories about gradual crossdressing beginning with the wife getting her husband in an apron.  What should have been a harmless thing, wearing the apron, was certainly not for me. I got strong pleasure from reading those stories, and then felt incredibly guilty after masturbating to them.  Besides, even if an apron should be neutral clothing, in my mind this apron was “female clothing” which would mean it would be crossdressing for me to wear it, even if okay for another man to wear it.

So this time, when my wife asked me to, I said “No, doing so causes me problems.”  She reacted very well and did the cooking part that I was going to do, so that I didn’t ruin my clothes or have to wear an apron.  I explained to her that I know there is nothing wrong with wearing one, and that I should be able to wear one with no problem, but that for me it still causes me problems, and that until it no longer does, I’ll have to refrain from wearing one.  She reacted again very well, and seemed to easily understand what I was saying, and didn’t get annoyed like last time.  I really appreciate that she reacted this way rather than with judgment and frustration.  She suggested buying me a masculine apron!  Which would be a good idea, except the once a year I’d actually wear it wouldn’t be worth it.

But the temptation was avoided, so no fantasies should be built up in my mind from this episode.  I am feeling strong enough that I probably could have worn it and think about it as neutral clothing, but why play with fire if I don’t need to?  And it was really nice to be able to have this brief exchange with my wife, and feel good by having her support and understanding.

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4 comments on “I Won’t put on that Apron

  1. Imitations says:

    Though I have enjoyed your writing thus far Thorin, I must say I am amazed that a man who appears to have so much intelligence, open mindedness and scholarship can display so little control over his urges that something as innocuous as an apron can deliver such potent temptations for you. It really is quite a remarkable story. I don’t mean to belittle your reactions to this matter as we all have our foibles to deal with, but it would appear to me this is the same reasoning used by the Arab communities in having their women cover themselves completely because the men folk may react in an unfavourable manner towards the females around them. If your wife, who dislikes your crossdressing, sees no discernible association with a feminine element of attachment to an apron and even appeared to be annoyed at the suggestion, perhaps she like me would think there is a much deeper problem here than your readers are aware. Of course it could be that you simply wanted to sit down and eat and not concern yourself with the preparation?…….LOL

    Keep up the theology nonetheless.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    haha, thanks for the thoughts Imitations. Glad for your honest opinion. I’ll be the first one to say that I do have deep problems and issues. But thanks be to God that he has saved me through Jesus Christ. Now some explanation – We do make 100% of the meals together and right now I do 75% of the other household chores because of the way our job schedules are right now. So I’m not trying to get out of anything.

    Part of the problem is that my temptations are much stronger concerning “gradual crossdressing” than just full-blown makeovers. So in my own lustful fantasies or fantasies I want to read online through stories, it is about people that are gradually crossdressed. It always starts with something harmless like an apron or maybe the person lost their luggage needed to borrow basic clothing, etc, something that shouldn’t be a big deal, but it leads to other things. In my case, an apron really triggers ideas. Wearing it triggers the ideas and gets me thinking, but then when I am alone next that is when I might act on those ideas by reading something online. So by saying “No” to the apron, to me it felt like a preemptive “No” to the temptations to those fantasies. I’m sure someday soon I can say yes to the apron and have it not mess with my head.

    I’ll post about it some other time, but my sense is that those particular stories are a plague to me, because they get the person gradually crossdressed when he didn’t intend it or suspect it. Or he has to crossdress because there are no other clothes around. In those kind of situations he seems to have no guilt for the action. Maybe I subconsciously feel that if I read those particular stories where the character has no guilt, that I shouldn’t feel guilt for reading the stories (which is obviously dumb reasoning). Or maybe I read those because those are the only realistic stories that fit me of when I could actually see myself giving in to crossdressing.

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  3. Imitations, you and I may not understand the problem from our own experience but I can certainly see how this could be a major stumbling block for Thorin. For any addict, there is some trigger that even the smallest encounter can instantly tear down all barriers he or she has successfully built up as a defense against the temptation.

    Thorin has been quite candid in his self-assessment, and there is a clear picture of sexual addiction… which can be as powerful a pull as any drug. Remember the rats who gladly starved themselves to death because the pleasure stimulus had such an inescapable hold on them.

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  4. John says:

    And let me add to Ralph’s line of thinking by suggesting that we all have different triggers. An apron might not trigger me but some other article of clothing or a cosmetic, or other item of makeup might. Certain thoughts or stimuli simply interact with our individual sexual experiences and scripts to different degrees. It is to Thorin’s credit that he has become aware of where he needs to draw the line due to his previous experiences.

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