I have still stayed strong. It’s been 2 months and 1 day since my last crossdressing type of failure (which I think was crossdressing reading stories on the computer). I am still feeling really good in life.
However, I have to be honest about a couple things. They seem ridiculous to write about, but if I can’t be honest in this blog, where can I be? I feel like full disclosure is the only way for people to be helped by my writings, so that people know that I am genuine, am not a hypocrite, that I admit I still struggle.
I watched part of a Disney cartoon movie the other day, because I like the movie. My favorite type of movies are Braveheart type movies, but I still enjoy a good old fashioned Disney movie now and then. I didn’t have any bad motives in watching it. But after watching it, I questioned some of the gender roles displayed in the movie. I did a bit of research on the internet about some of the bad messages Disney movies give about femininity (maybe more on that another time) . But that brought up pictures of Disney princesses, who I found beautiful. I ended up spending a lot of time looking up pictures of princesses from Disney movies. I wasn’t thinking about crossdressing, I just enjoyed looking at the beauty in those pictures. (But seemingly harmless activities like this have in past years led down a path on the internet to looking at crossdressing type things).
I don’t consider this a crossdressing failure, but I did feel bad about it because of wasting my time, and weird about it. Why did I do that? It must be somehow related to my gender issues and crossdressing sexual arousal. I am guessing normal grown men would not spend time doing that. Did I need to see a picture of beauty that badly? Even cartoon beauty? Did I somehow want to be one of those princesses subconsciously? Is it only because I am sexually frustrated right now with my wife, and I enjoyed looking at female beauty for a little bit? I feel ridiculous writing about this, but those are the facts, that is what I did, and I’m sure many of you can relate. The next time I have a strange desire like that, I think that I should not just ignore it, but think about what the particular reason is that I’m being drawn to it.
The other thing that happened was that I was reading through some of the blog posts of some of my commenters, and then reading the blog posts of blogs they had linked to. I was doing so for good reasons, just learning and reading what others had to say about this crossdressing topic. But I ended up unexpectedly reading some blog posts that turned me on sexually. I stopped pretty quick at that point. But that was a wake up call to me to be more careful in what I choose to read. I’m not saying it’s the end of the world that I was turned on briefly. But I don’t want to get my whole addiction off and running again from something like that. These two episodes were a wake up call to be more careful.
Both of these episodes got me sexually aroused, but overall there was no harm done. When I stopped doing them, I thought I might as well get sexual release in a good way. So I went and masturbated, but found that not only was I able to just think about my wife while doing so, but she was all I wanted to think about anyway (no crossdressing thoughts at all). I still feel really strong in resisting crossdressing temptations and overall the crossdressing desires are diminishing. Not only do I feel better about myself, but I feel better about life. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. I don’t feel cheated. I don’t feel angry at God for saying that crossdressing is sinful. I don’t feel incomplete. I don’t feel really any of the things that crossdressers say are dangers if you resist your urges to crossdress. I just feel really good. The longer I go without crossdressing, the more crossdressing seems really silly in my mind, and the thought of doing it is much less of a sexual turn on than it used to be. I feel like weights are being lifted off of me as the weeks go by without giving in. I don’t feel like I’m living a burdensome life trying to obey God. The more I resist, the more free I feel. It’s amazing to not be in sexual bondage. In general, I am much happier much more fulfilled person.