Progress Report 11-11-11

I have still stayed strong.  It’s been 2 months and 1 day since my last crossdressing type of failure (which I think was crossdressing reading stories on the computer).  I am still feeling really good in life.

However, I have to be honest about a couple things.  They seem ridiculous to write about, but if I can’t be honest in this blog, where can I be?  I feel like full disclosure is the only way for people to be helped by my writings, so that people know that I am genuine, am not a hypocrite, that I admit I still struggle.

I watched part of a Disney cartoon movie the other day, because I like the movie.  My favorite type of movies are Braveheart type movies, but I still enjoy a good old fashioned Disney movie now and then.  I didn’t have any bad motives in watching it.  But after watching it, I questioned some of the gender roles displayed in the movie.  I did a bit of research on the internet about some of the bad messages Disney movies give about femininity (maybe more on that another time) .  But that brought up pictures of Disney princesses, who I found beautiful.  I ended up spending a lot of time looking up pictures of princesses from Disney movies.  I wasn’t thinking about crossdressing, I just enjoyed looking at the beauty in those pictures.   (But seemingly harmless activities like this have in past years led down a path on the internet to looking at crossdressing type things).

I don’t consider this a crossdressing failure, but I did feel bad about it because of wasting my time, and weird about it.  Why did I do that?  It must be somehow related to my gender issues and crossdressing sexual arousal.  I am guessing normal grown men would not spend time doing that.  Did I need to see a picture of beauty that badly?  Even cartoon beauty?  Did I somehow want to be one of those princesses subconsciously?  Is it only because I am sexually frustrated right now with my wife, and I enjoyed looking at female beauty for a little bit?  I feel ridiculous writing about this, but those are the facts, that is what I did, and I’m sure many of you can relate.  The next time I have a strange desire like that, I think that I should not just ignore it, but think about what the particular reason is that I’m being drawn to it.

The other thing that happened was that I was reading through some of the blog posts of some of my commenters, and then reading the blog posts of blogs they had linked to.  I was doing so for good reasons, just learning and reading what others had to say about this crossdressing topic.  But I ended up unexpectedly reading some blog posts that turned me on sexually.  I stopped pretty quick at that point.  But that was a wake up call to me to be more careful in what I choose to read.  I’m not saying it’s the end of the world that I was turned on briefly.  But I don’t want to get my whole addiction off and running again from something like that.  These two episodes were a wake up call to be more careful.

Both of these episodes got me sexually aroused, but overall there was no harm done.   When I stopped doing them, I thought I might as well get sexual release in a good way.  So I went and masturbated, but found that not only was I able to just think about my wife while doing so, but she was all I wanted to think about anyway (no crossdressing thoughts at all).   I still feel really strong in resisting crossdressing temptations and overall the crossdressing desires are diminishing.  Not only do I feel better about myself, but I feel better about life.  I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.  I don’t feel cheated.  I don’t feel angry at God for saying that crossdressing is sinful.  I don’t feel incomplete.  I don’t feel really any of the things that crossdressers say are dangers if you resist your urges to crossdress.  I just feel really good.  The longer I go without crossdressing, the more crossdressing seems really silly in my mind, and the thought of doing it is much less of a sexual turn on than it used to be.  I feel like weights are being lifted off of me as the weeks go by without giving in.  I don’t feel like I’m living a burdensome life trying to obey God.  The more I resist, the more free I feel.   It’s amazing to not be in sexual bondage.  In general, I am much happier much more fulfilled person.

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5 comments on “Progress Report 11-11-11

  1. ikthys says:

    Well, that pic definitely turns me on… On a different note, I hope it was not any of my posts that got too indulgent. I usually try never to go into unecessary detail for that very reason. I am excited to hear of your success! Your posts are an encouragement to me (I read each one). I wish there were a hundred more just like us (well not have the struggle- I wouldn’t wish that on anyone- but who are overcoming it!) I agree that it does seem very “silly” overall to want to dress up that way. I’ve gotten more used to just saying I like the clothes, but the idea of wearing them is definitely less of a focus.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Nope it wasn’t yours ikthys, and it was no one’s fault but my own. People have a right to write about whatever they want. I’m not trying to blame anyone for what they posted. And I hope to be able to read those things one day soon without having any troubles. I hope I didn’t cause you trouble with my picture. I enjoy reading your posts as well Ikthys. Your friend I have linked to – Shards of Narsil, don’t think I’ve ever talked to him. I think he has been afk (away from keyboard) since I started talking to you folks. I tried to comment on some of his things, but they were never approved. You ever hear from him?

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  3. thorin25 says:

    I didn’t think too much about the fact that the picture might turn people on who have similar struggles. I just deleted the picture. I put it in there just to be real honest about what I was looking at, so people could relate. But not a good idea, when things like that can cause us trouble.

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  4. Ralph says:

    Your comment about what “normal” (???) men spend their leisure time doing reminded me of a similar thought I had a while back while playing Second Life. Without going into the 20-page detail about what that involves, players can design their own simulated environment with buildings and vehicles and scenery as well as your own avatar’s appearance including skin, shape, clothes, hair… or even species, for that matter.

    So there I was spending hours a week fine-tuning my character, going through an inventory containing hundreds of dresses and adjusting them to fit better, or even designing some of my own. Right about the time I found myself quite pleased with how skilled I have become at editing my avatar’s appearance I was also struck by the thought of how impossible it would be to explain to my friends, particularly my male friends, just what passes for entertainment in my life. Even omitting the dresses and other specifically “girly” aspects, I tend to be more attracted to games involving imaginary and creative play than nearly all my male friends. Most of them these days are in a rural community comprised of hunters and ranchers and I can just see their reaction: “So… you spent TWO HOURS trying on clothes for a computer character???” I doubt they’d be any more impressed with the “real life” clothes I make with my sewing machine.

    I have mentioned elsewhere that this side of me goes back as far as I can remember, even before the dressing began. My wife wants us to get more involved in our community and church family, having people over for dinner, etc… but I’m at a loss what I’ll do to keep the men entertained. Charades and karaoke? I don’t think so. I have no interest in anything they typically do… I’m terrible at sports, can’t tell a field goal from a bunt, haven’t got the time or patience or skill for hunting (or stomach for cleaning the game), and I’m probably the only computer programmer for 40 miles in any direction. The only gun I own is a .22 I use for shooting cans and paper targets. We might have to buy a TV and a satellite dish just so I can have a game on when we have friends over (“Wow, look at that! He sure did a great job, uh, tackling that shortstop. Dribbling that goalie? Whatever…”) Or maybe I can buy a moose head and hang it over the fireplace (“Yup, I bagged that sucker with my trusty .22 last summer!”). I’ll be like Felix Unger hosting a poker game — “Pastor, feet OFF the coffee table! And what did I tell you about using a doily under your glass?”

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  5. thorin25 says:

    Ralph, that was a really funny comment. I had to read that last paragraph for my wife. I was laughing hard. I can definitely relate in many ways. My few things I can do with other guys include computer games, basketball (sometimes if I’m not too intimidated), board games, and war/action movies. It’s funny, the same way you feel about relating to other men, is how my wife feels about relating to other women. She has it easy talking to men but not other women.

    I definitely can relate to the things you do in computer games. In RPGs, I spend a lot of time customizing clothing, sometimes using female characters. I have a lot to say about that subject, and am continually wondering about it. But instead of writing about that here, I’ll make a post about that sometime.

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