Learning to Lust Properly

Sometimes in my battle against crossdressing, I feel like I have to learn to lust properly.  Let me explain.  In the past, the more I crossdressed and gave in to crossdressing sexual pleasures, the less I desired my wife.  Sometimes cuddling with her wasn’t very pleasurable, and sometimes we never even were able to have sex because I just wasn’t interested. When we desire crossdressing for sexual pleasure, it’s hard to desire women, or our wives, as we are meant to.  We have to learn to desire what we are supposed to.

I feel like crossdressing for sexual pleasure is sinful just like pornography is sinful.  One is not necessarily worse than the other in God’s eyes.  But in some ways, I feel like crossdressing desires are one step removed from pornographic desires.  Lusting after a woman who is not your wife is sinful and misplaced, because you supposed to lust only after your wife.  So pornography or lusting after other women is one step removed from what is normal and good and intended by God.  But I think crossdressing in some ways is one step beyond even lusting after other women.  Not only am I not lusting after my wife, I’m not lusting after other women, I’m instead lusting at what other women are wearing.  At at some point in middle school that lusting after what women were wearing changed into crossdressing which was me lusting after myself really, or the corrupted deceptive version of myself.  So if you think about it like this, crossdressing desires are far more distorted and removed from proper sexual desires than something like pornography is.  (But it’s equally sinful to pornography).

Because of this, I think finding healing from crossdressing is not necessarily real straightforward.  Ideally, God could just heal me and I’d be able to go right from quitting crossdressing to desiring my wife as I am supposed to.  But I’m starting to wonder if that skips some necessary, (but still sinful), steps in between for crossdressers.  I know that is really weird to say.  And I’m not sure it’s really right to say that from a biblical and Christian perspective.  I value your thoughts and feedback on this.

Sometimes I feel like to fight against crossdressing, I need to learn to desire women as women instead of their clothing.  I need to learn how to desire women in general as I am supposed to.  God created me as a man who is supposed to have lust and desire for women.  Of course normal men have this and they need to learn to control it.  But I feel like I need to learn just to have it in the first place.  Maybe learning to have that lust for women and not their clothing is the first step in the right direction.  Then once that desire is cultivated, I can learn to control that lust and focus my desires for sex with women only on my wife and love her as she is supposed to be loved.

Someone who is struggling with pornography can just learn to control that lust and focus it on one person.  But someone like me who struggles with crossdressing, or someone who has homosexual desires, our desires are much more removed and different from what is right.  That doesn’t make us more evil, but it may mean that recovery and proper formation of desires could take longer.  (For the record, I believe sexuality is quite fluid based on my personal experience and interactions with others.  I think you can learn to sexually desire almost anything and maybe unlearn some sexual desires.  I’ll write on that more fully in another post).

As I’ve fought more against crossdressing in the past few months, I am finding that my desire for women in general is increasing.  I am noticing women more in life, not necessarily lusting after them, but still thinking about them as women more and thinking less about their clothing.  I am also finding myself drawn to looking at pictures of beautiful women online.  Not looking at their pictures to want to be them, or wear what they are wearing, but looking at them because they are beautiful, looking at them with desire.  In some ways, I was really encouraged to be desiring women like this.

But on the couple occasions I did this, I also felt guilty.  I wasn’t looking at pornography, but I was lusting.  So I repented and asked for forgiveness from God.  Jesus did say lusting after other women besides your wife is sinful.  But I keep wondering if for me this is a necessary step of learning to desire women in general.  Is it possible that in our healing from crossdressing, we have to turn to other things that might be sinful temporarily?  (sort of like the ethical issue of lying to save the Jews hiding in your house from the Nazis, sinning in one way to avoid a greater sin.  Maybe this is similar).  I would hope this is not necessary for us, but I keep wondering about it.  Anyone have any helpful thoughts about this?

As of now, I affirm fully everything in this post, except for the above paragraph.  I think that might be going way too far.  Sinning in another way to avoid another sin just doesn’t seem right in almost all cases.  But anyway I think I have exaggerated how necessary it would be.  I’ve only been going a few months or close to that since failing last with crossdressing.  And already I desire my wife much more greatly and passionately.  I think about her more.  I try to love her more.  And I desire her sexually much more and have better times with her sexually.  So perhaps it doesn’t have to be such a long drawn out process.  Perhaps God is making the healing in me much more quickly than I had hoped.  (As a quick footnote, even if my desires for crossdressing couldn’t ever change, and I couldn’t ever increase my desires for my wife, I’d still not give in to crossdressing and still try my best to love my wife as well as I could.  God never promised to take away all of our temptations or make our lives easy, not until Jesus comes again at least).

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4 comments on “Learning to Lust Properly

  1. thorin25 says:

    I just reread a fellow blogger’s post that has similar ideas to my post here. He grew up resisting proper sexual thoughts, and maybe that was part of what fueled his crossdressing. In this post, he talks about having to learn to fantasize about his wife. He had never really done that before. And he had to learn to do it without feeling guilty about it.

    http://mycdrecovery.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/unlearning/

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  2. Temptedsinner says:

    I am reading this post a long time after you had written it Thorin and I can understand where you are coming from on many points. In my case I have had to learn to train or shield my eyes in regard to other women who are not my wife. During this recovery process I have found it beneficial to look the other way when an attractive woman walks by. Definitely avoiding the second glance, and I’ll admit this is sometimes quite challenging. For me, one of the worst things is when I hear the clicking of heels on the floor…It used to be, I gotta see what kind of shoes they are and who is wearing them.. After so many years of being in tune to that sound I could often tell what kind of shoe they were before I even saw them. But then gazing at beautiful woman, I am now thinking that I objectified them and their attire in several different ways. Having many years experience dressing and several failed attempts at quitting or avoiding it, one of my downfalls has been “appreciating” the female form as opposed to appreciating my wife’s female form and the person who she is. I honestly believe that she is the one who God picked out for me. (Thank You Lord) But I have damaged myself in such a way that I will never be the man that I am supposed to be for her. All the years of withholding affection from her only to waste it on myself. How selfish! All the years of thinking if she would only partake in my fetish more then I would be more affectionate towards her. How delusional. And even wishing she would dress in a more attractive fashion, would have helped temporarily but she could never compete with my CD self who never told me no.

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  3. thorin25 says:

    yeah i echo many of your comments. One thing I have found is that the less I look at tons of pictures of women (or men dressed as women) online and in person, my wife begins to look more and more amazingly beautiful. I start to not need her to “dress more attractive” whatever that means for me or you. When we are so consumed with looking at others, real or photoshopped, we are distracted from the beauty that God gave right in front of us.

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  4. Dramaking55 says:

    This was a great post and one that I can identify with in a big way. I have designed jewelry for a number of years and for 10 years I designed kitchens and baths so I have always had that artsy creative thing goin on. It was the thing that added to my self-delusion and so also created in me a lover of fashion etc. I worked with women and helped them decide what was the best design for their home and in general was far more interested in having “girlfriends” than men friends. So, in many I damaged myself with stinkin thinkin and the reading of more TG stories and fantasy and masturbation.
    Now at 58 my wife and I are closer than ever and she has forgiven me my dark period and even applauds my work with this group and my CR group. Yet, as I was working in our store (which was in a largely hispanic area) the latinas would walk by in their high heels and their bling and sheer tops and shiny sparkly clothing and more than once did I have thoughts I shouldn’t have. I had to try and keep in mind that these were women not objects and so I tried to keep my eyes and my mind away from anything lustful.
    Here’s the thing though, Was I perfect at it? Heck no! But I got better at doing the right things more than the wrong. I would even process what was going on with me with my wife and sometimes it was just that microsecond thought and wham I was back on the right track. So, recovery is not linear and we need to give ourselves some grace for that. If I want to be sexually intimate with my wife then I also need to discipline my mind in the right ways and in that work I might drift and fantasize when I am desperately trying to please her. All I can do is realize that I gave it my best shot and hope I can do better the next time. If I give myself the permission to sin, I think that it is a slippery slope for me so I would rather work on the right things to do and when it doesn’t go the right way, then just myself the grace to accept that I failed that time and hope that my batting average increases a little more each day, week, month or year. It took a lot of conditioning to damage my psyche and it is not going to heal overnight.

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