If you know your Bible stories, you know that there is some really dark depressing stuff in the Bible. There are some stories of detestable actions people have committed. Not only are these stories true and interesting to read for that reason alone, but through them God teaches us about sin and life. Ultimately, these stories show us sinful people who can only be forgiven out of God’s great mercy. They point us to the need for Jesus. These stories teach us about God’s character.
Anyway I was just reading 2 Samuel 13. In the story King David’s son Amnon is extremely desirous of his half-sister Tamar. He is just consumed with lust for her. He and a friend hatch a scheme in order to get Amnon alone with Tamar. He does so and then does the despicable, he rapes his sister. He does so even after she pleads with him to stop, and even after she seems to offer herself in marriage if he doesn’t rape her.
Then here are the interesting verses for me right now –
14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”
It’s so interesting that the thing Amnon was consumed with lust for, Tamar’s beauty, the person he was so passionate for, suddenly changed in his mind. She was the person, or thing in life, that Amnon wanted the most. He couldn’t figure out how to stop himself he wanted her so badly. He didn’t think about the consequences, or his own disgrace and shame, he didn’t think about the wrongness of the action before God, he just had to give in. But then after he committed the sinful action, and the sexual frenzy went away, suddenly he hated Tamar, for she reminded him of his sin and disgrace. He looked at her and remembered his incest, his rape. Looking at her reminded him of how evil and messed up he was.
How often do we think about crossdressing in this way? Some fancy prom dress, or sexy bakini, or babydoll, or tall high heels, just seem irresistible. They are just sitting there in our sister’s closet, or in our wife’s dresser. It’ so hard to resist. We think about that object all day, trying to resist, and trying harder. But we become consumed with a sexual frenzy over those objects. We just have to wear them. And then we do, and the sexual pleasure and release comes. And then afterward, sometimes 4 seconds after the orgasm, we immediately feel foolish. We feel dumb. We feel dirty. We realize how ridiculous we look even though we thought we looked beautiful 10 seconds ago before the orgasm. We feel messed up. We feel ashamed. We feel confused. We feel like we have been deceived by ourselves. Suddenly we get angry and full of hate, sometimes hatred at ourselves, sometimes at the clothes, and sometimes at both. We get so angry and full of hate at the clothes which remind us of sin that we just want to throw them out. And crossdressers who have their own collection of female clothing often do throw those clothes out, (only to buy more later). Unfortunately, if it’s your wife or sister’s clothing, you can’t exactly go throw it out.
I’ve also experienced this anger after reading crossdressing stories online, or looking at pictures of crossdressers online. I just want to look at those pictures and it seems pleasurable. But as soon as I stop, I feel tremendous anger at those people in the pictures at how messed up they are and how they tempted me. (I realize they are not to blame, I’m just stating my feelings. It’s misplaced anger, but the people remind me of my own failings and messed-up-ness).
Or we hate ourselves afterwards thinking of what we did. We punish ourselves. Sometimes we physically slap ourselves or hit ourselves. We punish ourselves with depression. We punish ourselves by depriving ourselves of certain things. We deprive ourselves by not having sex with our wives because we feel we don’t deserve it. We punish ourselves by telling ourselves we are no good, messed up, and worthless men. We punish ourselves by believing Satan’s lie, who whispers to us, “you can’t be forgiven by God, because your sin is too great, or you’ve sinned too many times for Jesus to be able to forgive you.”
So what’s the solution? It seems to just be a fact that when we give in to sin, this hate and anger comes about afterwards when we realize what we’ve done. I think part of the solution is not giving in to the anger, but running to God for forgiveness and relishing in his grace with joy. This Amnon did not do.
But also I think the solution is just to not fail in the first place. Then we can avoid this bad cycle of shameful actions accompanied by misplaced anger. A lot of crossdressers will say you just have to learn not to have this hate and anger at the clothes or yourself after crossdressing, and just feel okay with it. But I think this is wrong.
After crossdressing, I would feel this anger and shame, and it would be hard to look at my wife in those clothes that I had worn, and feel good and feel attracted to her. As I resist crossdressing for longer and longer, that anger is not there. I can look at the clothes and feel good, and be attracted to my wife. And now instead of feeling anger at the crossdressers with pictures online, I just feel pity and compassion. I feel no more hate, just compassion and wanting to help them find freedom.
Anyway, this might not be how all crossdressers feel, but I really resonated with Amnon’s love/hate switch in this story.