Crossdressing is like Pornography

I’ve had the privilege of having 3 different really good accountability partners between high school and the present.  I told all of them about my struggle with crossdressing and they all told me about their struggles with pornography.  Over the years, I have found that there are actually a lot of similarities between struggling with crossdressing and struggling with pornography, and lately I’ve also been thinking about similarities between crossdressing itself and pornography itself.

 

Here are some things I think are the same or similar in particular order –

1.  Crossdressing and pornography both can easily become sexual addictions that are very hard to break.  We feel a strong “need” to keep giving in to it to the point that almost all crossdressers report that crossdressing is something they cannot live without.  It sexually excites us before or during masturbation.  Sometimes we do it for sexual pleasure without masturbation happening.  (Sometimes it’s not done for sexual pleasure but still an addiction that one feels that he cannot live without).  The addictions become so consuming that we waste hours of our lives every day.  They are harmful compulsions that cause us to take risks jeopardizing relationships or jobs.  They can become more important than certain relationships or jobs in our mind.  They can suck hours out of our day.  And “Dr. Victor Cline, clinical psychologist at the University of Utah, said that pornography is the gateway drug to sexual addiction.”  (Source here).  In my experience, crossdressing functions this way too, and it has for many people I have read about.

Clinical research shows that pornographic images create chemically encoded messages on the brain that can remain through adulthood. Human memory is formed in part by the release of the chemical epinephrine which, upon emotional arousal, leaves behind an imprint on the brain.”  (Source here).   I would argue that crossdressing for sexual or emotional arousal does the same thing.

 

2.  Pornography and crossdressing both objectify women.  Now in the case of pornography there is an important difference.  In pornography, there is an actual woman who is used for her body in order to make the pornography, and this doesn’t happen in crossdressing.  But there is a similar objectification of women that takes place.  The porn addict becomes infatuated with the ideal female body.  He finds sexual pleasure in the body alone or rather images of the body alone aside from an actual female person.  Women are viewed as sexual objects and that’s it.  The crossdresser does something similar.  We become so infatuated with the female body that we are not content with trying to find an actual woman to know and love, but we instead create our own.  We disguise ourselves and become attracted to ourselves dressed, rather than loving a real woman.  Further, we objectify what it means to be a woman.  Being a woman becomes synonymous with a certain look, dresses, skirts, bras, breasts, makeup, high heels, and on and on.  Rather than loving a woman with a mind, personality, and soul, we love the externals that we associate with womanhood.  We become so consumed with the objects as equal to being a woman, that we fail to see how ridiculous we look when crossdressed.  We feel womanly because of the objects.

 

3.  Pornography and crossdressing can both lead to other sexual fetishes/perversions.  For my friends who were addicted to pornography, they were led into other places.  Eventually they were being turned on by watching women having sex with other women, and being turned on to sadism and masochism in their pornography and sexual fantasies.  The more they gave into their addictions, the more newness and depravity they craved.   The same was true for me with crossdressing.  The more I crossdressed or read crossdressing fiction, the more I was turned on by strange new things.  I was eventually turned on by pictures of men crossdressed, crossdressing stories with homosexual elements, crossdressing stories with forced submission elements, and a host of other strange things that I am not proud of.

Pornography has four stages following initial exposure according to – this source.  It starts with addiction – the desire and need to keep coming back to the pornographic images.  This is followed by escalation – the need for more explicit, rougher, and more deviant images for the same sexual effect.  And then desensitization – the material once viewed as really shocking or sinful or taboo is now seen as acceptable or commonplace.   Last is acting out – which is the tendency to begin to perform the behaviors viewed whether exhibitionism, sadistic/masochistic sex, group sex, rape, or sex with minor children.   In my own life, I have clearly seen this progression with my crossdressing addiction and based on the erotic fiction I’ve read, and real-life stories of crossdressers I’ve read, most others are just like me.

 

4.  Both crossdressing and pornography can take a multitude of forms.  Pornography these days is mostly done through the internet with pictures and videos, but strip clubs and magazines also play a role.  Erotic fiction and erotic telephone calls can also become part of a pornography addiction.  Crossdressing can mostly be done in private with clothing.  But often part of it will be crossdressing fiction or TG fiction, as well as crossdressing websites, pictures, videos.  And sometimes crossdressing is done with other people, a lover, or with friends.

 

5.  Pornography and crossdressing both have the same emotional aftermath.  When one struggles for a while with pornography or crossdressing, eventually one will come a point of deep shame and guilt.  This is followed often by a purge of clothing for crossdressers, or a removal of the internet or computer, or getting an internet filter, for those who struggle with pornography.  In both cases, it is important for the person struggling to find forgiveness in God, and realize their salvation is not at stake just because they sinned.  In both cases, they need to learn how to get back up and renew their fight against the sin they struggle with.  In both cases, drastic measures need to be taken to really get rid of the addiction.

 

6.  Pornography and crossdressing both have the strong chance of destroying one’s marriage.  Some wives will silently allow the husband to remain in sin, as long as she doesn’t have to see it or hear about it.  Other wives will not tolerate it.  Even in the cases where the marriage is not destroyed, pornography and crossdressing can both alienate the husband from his wife.  Both will probably eventually consume the husband to the point that he barely desires his wife or barely spends any sexual time with her.  Even in the cases where the husband is fighting his crossdressing problem or pornography problem, the marriage can undergo a lot of stress because of the complications it causes.  Even if the crossdressing or pornography is a thing of the past, it can still cause problems in the marriage bed.  The pornography husband has unrealistic notions of the female body and may have trouble being turned on by his wife.  The crossdressing husband may be so consumed with female clothing that he can’t have sex with his wife without thinking of crossdressing fantasies or without his focus being solely on his wife’s clothing and accoutrements.

 

7. Both pornography and crossdressing give us a false ideal that “THIS” is what women are supposed to look like.  We get false views of what ideal beauty looks like.  This can cause us to harshly judge our spouses’ looks, or not be as attracted to her.  Perhaps it even causes crossdressers to harshly judge their own looks, not happy and content with how they look as a man, and maybe not happy about how they look while crossdressed either.

 

8.  Both pornography and crossdressing can lead to harmful sex role stereotyping.  This is how women should act and be, and this is how men should act and be.  Pornography has be linked to problems like rape, and sexual aggressiveness and violence.  Crossdressing to me seems often to be linked with unhelpful gender stereotypes, such as that being a woman means being passive, quiet, sensitive, emotional, free, spontaneous, etc. etc. etc., and being a man means being the direct opposite – strong, stoic, rigid, forceful, etc.    The truth is that many of these are just stereotypes.  We have limited men from being fully human and limited women from being fully human by forcing them into these unhelpful gender stereotypes.

 

9. Both pornography and crossdressing feel good to those who do it, and it doesn’t seem wrong to them because it feels good.  In both cases the people doing it usually don’t see a problem, whereas practically everyone in their life thinks it is a problem, or would think it was a huge problem if they knew about it.

 

10.  Both pornography and crossdressing are used as escapes from reality because of stress or anxiety.  While providing temporary relief from the pressures of masculinity or life in general, they both don’t solve the problems causing the anxiety or stress.  In my and my friends’ experiences, crossdressing and pornography have only served to increase stress rather than alleviate it.  The escape from reality takes the place of pondering one’s feelings and life situation, and dealing with the problems or making changes.

 

11.  Both pornography and crossdressing seem to lead to lying, and even stealing and cheating.  This happens as we try to find ways to do what we want to do without people finding out.

 

12.  Both pornography and crossdressing are perceived to be harmless by those who do it, but both are harmful to oneself, and to one’s relationship with God, and often to other people.  They are both sinful and destructive.  They are both deceptions.  They are both outside the sexual boundaries that God has set for us within marriage.  They both involve lusting after someone we should not be, whether it be a woman online, or a false woman of our own creation.  Both need to be dealt with by Christians and fought vigorously against.

 

13.  Watching pornography or engaging in crossdressing both have the potential to disconnect us from real relationships.  They both detach real emotional involvement from sexual experience.

 

14. Pornography and crossdressing seem to involve the same sorts of treatment to fight the addiction.  Both can be helped by accountability partners, prayer, recovery groups, removing of temptations and triggers, understanding oneself and why one desires the temptation, finding joy and meaning in other healthy ways, rewards/punishments, feeling loved and forgiven by God, etc.

 

I was struck writing this at how similar pornography and crossdressing are.  Perhaps we as struggling crossdressers have a lot of wisdom to offer to those struggling with pornography and the other way around.  Perhaps we are not so unique and wacky from the general culture after all.  Maybe we are struggling with the same root sexual addiction that objectifies women, but we just do it in a different way.

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34 comments on “Crossdressing is like Pornography

  1. John says:

    Thorin,

    I agree with much of what you say. I have been making this argument for some time and made the decision to go to sexual addiction support groups for this very reason. I still can’t understand why more crossdressers do not at least give some consideration to the similarities between the two behaviors, even if they ultimately decide to keep practicing it. I’ve been to several support group meetings and only heard one or two, including myself admit to crossdressing as a behavior while most admit to pornography as at least one of their behaviors. It could be shame, which as we know is incredibly high but I suspect there is denial among many of us, preventing them from attending such meetings. Of course many porn addicts are in denial as well.

    Now I realize some, perhaps many who crossdress do not have it linked to sexual behavior. However as many blogging here can testify, many do. I know it is complicated and don’t know why our sexual arousal is tied to this behavior and related feelings but it could be as simple as timing with dressing experimentation occurring during our sexual coming of age, causing imprinting, and thus making it difficult to eradicate. Many addicted to porn find that difficult to overcome as well, possibly for the same reasons. Sometimes there is crossover, as you have noted regarding fantasy literature or images. Anyway, your points are interesting and worth a look for any of us who become sexually aroused by crossdressing.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the good feedback John. Question for you. In your support groups which are mostly those who are struggling with pornography, have you found that pornography and crossdressing are similar enough that the treatment and helpfulness of what you talk about there is just as good and helpful for you as it is for them? Are they similar enough struggles that the group and the group’s treatment ideas equally help in both cases? Or do you sometimes feel like you would get more help if it was a group of just recovering crossdressers?

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  3. Dramaking55 says:

    John for whatever it is worth check out Celebrate Recovery it is a group that started in California by Saddleback church. I am not paid as a spokesman but I can tell you that I have been greatly helped by this program of dealing with life’s hurts, habits and hangups. that is what is spoken of at our meetings and people share as they feel lead to in a small group setting where it is men to men and women to women. It is a “safe” container where we can share our truth without any judgement or “fixing” each other. The 12 steps are essentially the same as in other anonymous groups but the steps and principles have their real roots in the beatitudes.
    I have struggled with the whole idea of announcing that I am a crossdresser but for me the more I admit my sin and bring it out into the light the less power and control it has over me. The more I am willing to look at the fact that Yes I am an addict and this is not “the best” that God has offered me but rather a cheap imitation, the more freedom I can experience. My announcing that I am a sex addict and in particular a crossdresser does not define me but only shines the light on my particular sin and addiction. I am a child of the King, that makes me a prince and so i long to do what I can for the kingdom not out of any obligation but as a way of expressing my love back to my King for all that he has done for me.

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  4. John says:

    Thorin,

    I do get a lot out of the groups and look for our similarities rather than our differences. The bottom line is that in many cases, it is an escape from the difficulties of intimacy in relationships and the stress of daily living and has a tendency to become addictive/compulsive. I do wish their were more members open about crossdressing and would very much welcome a group that primarily consisted of crossdressers. Perhaps I’ll get more specific in an e-mail in the near future to honor the anonymity and the desire for attraction rather than promotion out of respect for the group values which I can not honor appropriately in an open blog setting.

    DramaKing,
    I’ll take a look at Celebrate Recovery and see if there is such a group in my area. Thanks.

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  5. ikthys says:

    This post is an immensely valuable publication in its own right! Thanks for putting in the time and thought. I thank God for the mounting volume of insightful and groundbreaking suggestions and mini-treastises on the web like this one. This was pretty convincting for me personally.

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  6. […] who want to read a good challenge to their decision to wear women’s clothes, I refer you to an interesting post on his site “Healing From […]

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  7. gendermender says:

    Hi, have just read your article. It’s a really well thought out piece. There certainly seem to be lots of parallels between these two activities. I wonder if there are proven techniques used for battling porn addiction that could be “borrowed” for crossdressing?

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  8. thorin25 says:

    I certainly think there are gendermender, I think the way to fight both addictions is largely the same. See my post on 12 steps to stop crossdressing for some techniques that I think fit for both. Thanks for the comment.

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  9. giorgi says:

    sexuality has been scientifically proven to be a spectrum. crossdressing and transgenderism fall on that spectrum just like heterosexuality and homosexuality. 🙂

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  10. thorin25 says:

    Giorgi, according to your view, what are on the opposite ends of the spectrum? If it is a spectrum, I don’t see how that makes sense, as most transsexuals will say that homosexuality versus heterosexuality is totally different than sex/gender. Perhaps you disagree with them. How could they be on the same spectrum? What do you mean that this spectrum you refer to is scientifically proven, do you mean it’s proven that a spectrum exists? For my part, I highly doubt they’ve ever proven anything about crossdressing scientifically. Except maybe using the scientific method, they have theorized that a majority of crossdressers enjoy sexual pleasure while they crossdress. Big surprise there. Anyway, interested to hear more from you explaining what you think about such a spectrum.

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  11. C-in-VT says:

    thorin25, Thank you for writing this. I could identify a lot with this piece. Like you, I am addicted to crossdressing and I don’t identify myself as a woman. I’m a sex addict and I was slowly introduced to crossdressing from phone sex. It was another boundary I thought I’d never cross … but I did. Now I’m crossing more and more and I’m crossing more and more risky boundaries that hurt me and my family. I can’t continue because I’ll lose my family … but I can’t stay away from it either. It’s a daily struggle.

    I totally identified with these observations

    It sexually excites us before or during masturbation.

    Agreed. That’s why I keep doing it again and against despite my best efforts not to.

    We become so infatuated with the female body that we are not content with trying to find an actual woman to know and love, but we instead create our own. We disguise ourselves and become attracted to ourselves dressed, rather than loving a real woman. Further, we objectify what it means to be a woman. Being a woman becomes synonymous with a certain look, dresses, skirts, bras, breasts, makeup, high heels, and on and on. Rather than loving a woman with a mind, personality, and soul, we love the externals that we associate with womanhood.

    It’s that simple in black and white. Yet as crossdressing addicts we ignore the obvious to get our sexual fix. I can’t see beautiful women as human beings anymore. I see them as objects I want to have sex with and then I feel bad for seeing women like this and struggle with the fact I can’t be with these beautiful women I see everyday in life.

    It gets to the point where masturbation, porn, and phone sex not longer satisfies. Crossdressing is where I’m at and it continues to progress to more levels. I think it’s not harming me but it is. And it pushes me away from my family and leads me to a life of dishonesty, secrets, and a double life. I don’t want my life to be run like that. I’m struggling with crossdressing today. I want to get my fix but I know I’ll regret it. I’ve been down these roads so many times.

    I don’t have the same conception as you about God. But I believe that a higher power can guide me to the right place if I’m willing to do the work. I also believe self-forgiveness, self-care, self-love and honesty will get us back on track to recovery and freedom. I want to get there.

    Getting this out helped today. I’m glad I found this site.

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  12. thorin25 says:

    Thank you for the nice comment CinVT. Glad my post was helpful to you. I am glad you were able to still get some help even though we don’t share the same beliefs about God. I hope that someday you can come to a personal relationship with God (see my page about “my perspective”). But even if you do not, I still would enjoy dialogue with you, and would love to still encourage you as you fight your pornography and crossdressing addictions.

    You may find many other posts on my site that would be helpful to you, as well as the other blogs and links I have linked to. Especially you might want to check out the sexual addiction blog – http://addictedtofantasyandlust.blogspot.com/ Or all the other blogs under “fellow fighters” are really helpful for dealing with crossdressing.

    Sorry to hear about the pain your addictions have caused you. I can relate. Cut it out now before it gets worse, before it destroys your life and the lives around you. The more you allow the more it damages your soul, the more the lies come, the more trust is broken in relationships, the harder it will be to enjoy a normal relationship of love.

    I appreciate your comment, and feel free to keep commenting on other posts. I don’t know what your beliefs are exactly about the meaning of life and about God, but I believe that God listens to my prayers and works in this world, so I am going to pray for you right now that God would give you freedom from this addictions and burdens! Stay in touch!

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  13. c113cc@yahoo.com says:

    I do agree with Giorgi in that there is a spectrum. There are more macho males and more feminine males. Same with girly girls and tomboys. For me my curiosity with women’s clothes started before I was using porn or masturbation for an escape. I think I was 7-9 when this started. I have taken many gender tests and while I don’t fall in the transexual operation world, I do relate strongly to feminity.

    That said I am at a point where I am trying to break my porn addiction and the crossdressing has definitely got some of the same characteristics. Enough to the point where I think I will have to let most of it go. Although…I do consider myself a male lesbian. By that I mean I think I would have enjoyed being born a girl and being in a relationship with girls as well.

    At the end of the day one of the hardest things is finding what is a healthy sexual balance. Just like someone who over eats we struggle with completely healthy natural urges but take them to unhealthy extremes. Anyone else out there have similar feelings?

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  14. thorin25 says:

    Hello c113cc. I do hope you find success in breaking your porn and crossdressing addictions. There are many blog posts of mine which you may find helpful in that task, and even better posts by some other bloggers I have linked to. Check out my links page or the “fellow fighters” on the right hand side of my blog. Keep in touch!

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  15. Changewithprayer says:

    Hi Thorin

    I thank the lord for introducing me to this wonderful article. In the recent times i am sinning more and more by thoughts of CDing by reading TG stories and watching the videos. Now now I sinned more by actually CDing today. but i am guilty to go to god again and again after doing the same Sin. Kindly require an elderly help and counseling to come out of this mess,

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  16. thorin25 says:

    Hello Changewithprayer. I am not a counselor but I am glad to walk with you on this journey as you fight these addictions in your life. For starters I will pray right now that God gives you freedom from this bondage. But also please check out these 2 posts which might help you out. –
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/

    We’d all love to hear more from you and help you in any ways that we can. You are not alone. There is a whole group of us fighting this together.

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  17. A man says:

    Hi Thorin,

    You might not remember me, but one year and a half ago, I came on your blog and told you how much your views were wrong and even proceeded to insult your marriage. Today, I have not crossdressed for 1 year and 1 month. I have found it to be exactly like drugs: withdrawal, cravings, and then one year later, cravings only when I experience anxiety. Also, a point I would like to make is that to me, as a little boy, crossdressing was my first experience with feminity. When I finally decided, last year, at age 23, to explore this side of me, I realized the fact that it was a full blown addiction. It came to me as a surprise because way before indulging into it, I had read about others’ experiences. They all seemed to be doing soooo well. Everybody seemed to be accepting of their behavior. Today I realize that they were in denial, like 99% of every crossdressers I have ever read. I am agnostic and thus don’t believe in any organized religion, but I do believe in God, life, a greater power or any name you might want to give this higher order of things.

    Also, not long ago, I have cut off porn entirely. I met a girl that I am having fun with, but you are right when you say that these habits end up making us lust after her clothes almost more than her naked body.

    When I realized my addiction, my faith was really shaken. I couldn’t believe that God had allowed me to fall into this trap. I had researched to make sure it was safe, and I had been deceived by everything I had read. It is a blessing in disguise though because it was within me since so long. I am glad I experienced its reality and came to the conclusion that I didn’t want it while I was 23, no wife, no children, and thus, no unrepairable damages (I still hope).

    It is unbelievable how this fakeness alongside porn has twisted my sexual preferences and how now real feminity is almost unrecognizable or much less pleasurable than these dopamine-strokers.

    Anyway, I am glad that I have not chosen the easy path. God is funny some times. I came here to insult you a year ago, and then I am joining you and all the other ex cds who have seen past their denial.

    I wish all of us good luck, as this is the path less traveled.

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  18. thorin25 says:

    Hello there! I have to say, I welled up with joy reading your post. It is rare to see one showing such humility and repentance. It is rare to see someone to admit that they completely changed their view to the opposite of what they had before. I had to look up who you were, and yes you weren’t so nice last time 🙂 But all is forgiven! I love you my brother! I am so glad to have you here and sharing your story with me. It is amazing to read, and just is so awesome that you would come back and talk to me again. You are most fully welcome here.

    It’s funny that you say you can’t believe God allowed you to fall into this trap. The heart cry of our culture is “freedom!” We all want our personal freedom, and yet when God allows us the freedom to either worship him and have abundant life or instead to destroy ourselves through sin, we like to choose sin and then blame God for giving us freewill 🙂 I’m not condemning you. It’s just funny how we can see freewill as both a gift and a curse. According to the Bible (which I know you might not believe), God goes beyond our freewill, and gives us forgiveness for our sins through Jesus even though we have rejected him. If God left it up only to our freewill, all of us would be damned. But instead he sent Jesus to die for us so that even though we freely rejected God, we can be forgiven, and reconciled to God again through Jesus. He is an amazing merciful God. I’m glad he didn’t just say, “You chose to destroy yourselves and live without me, so deal with it!” Instead, he rescues us out of the pit if we trust in Jesus.

    I like how you say, “Anyway, I am glad that I have not chosen the easy path. God is funny some times. I came here to insult you a year ago, and then I am joining you and all the other ex cds who have seen past their denial.”

    I like that you say this, because I fully believe that it is God who was working in you and in your circumstances, to bring you to this point. Even though you freely chose to give full vent to crossdressing and hurt yourself in the process, he has been working on your will and helping you to come closer to him and come closer to living the kind of good life he wants you to have. Perhaps God will continue to work in you and draw you into closer relationship to him through Jesus. Read this for more info – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/my-perspective/

    We have quite a community of guys around here giving up crossdressing together and supporting each other. They will love having you as well. I hope you stay in touch, keep talking and dialoguing, and supporting us as well.

    Please check out our email prayer chain. There’s quite a few of us on it, and even if you are not up for praying, you can dialogue with the others, and they can pray for you. In addition we use the prayer chain to share confessions, advice, encouragement, etc. You can join up, and use it as little or as often as you like. No strings attached. We would certainly love to have you. https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    I also suggest that you re-read my posts, now that you have a completely new perspective. You might read much that will help you in giving up this addiction and finding emotional and sexual healing from it. https://healingcd.wordpress.com/most-important-posts/

    Thank you again for posting. I’m hesitant to bring this up already so soon after we resume our dialogue, but I wonder if you would consider writing a guest post about your journey from insulter to giving full vent to crossdressing to wanting to give up crossdressing to coming back to this site. I’m sure it would be valuable for many to read and could be a great way for God to use you to help others with your story. Something to think about. It might also be helpful for you in your personal struggle and healing.

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  19. Dramaking55 says:

    A Man, welcome my brother to recovery! Like Thorin has said my heart was filled with joy while reading your post. I have been in recovery for more than 23 yrs. and that you can go through what you went through and come back is just an unspeakable joy that only Jesus can bring. I am an addict and for a season I bought all the lies and drank the kool aid that the other side wants us to buy into. God never wastes a moment and I believe that His hand is in all of this. In your life and mine and the many wonderful guys that are here and on the prayer tree.
    I can’t even comprehend the many wasted hours I have spent in front of my computer screen “reading” stories of sissies and bondage and forced CD and lord only knows what else all the way justifying that time as just reading stories. There was no porn in my mind because I never enjoyed traditional porn pictures etc.. It is a fact that they bored me and even when many yrs. ago I went to a theater called the Admiral with my first wife and our friends, I almost fell asleep during the main movie. The next movie was called dominatrix and that was my reason for wanting to go to that smutty theatre. So in many ways all I needed was those stories to get the dopamine going for me. My brain was ready to see the stories and paint the pictures that those words would send. Fantasy would be the vehicle that I took to cross 1 boundary after another, lies, cheating my boss out of time that I owed him, time that should have been spent caring for my son and even time that could have been spent watching those planes slam into the World Trade Center were spent instead abusing my body, my mind and leaving me empty time after time. Yes, A Man I am your brother, I am an addict and I am in recovery and celebrate over 3 years away from that persona that I was and away from porn and fantasy and in short away from the bondage that had held me in it’s grip since the age of 10.
    I will be happily in recovery for the rest of the days that God gives me and I will preach recovery, my story, my love for Christ, my struggles and my victories because we are all just recovering sinners.
    Congratulations brother on your time of sobriety and please continue to come to this blog and comment and share with everyone your story because whatever it is that you have gone through to get where you are now is a gift to someone coming here for relief from those sins whatever they were. Our stories are desperately needed so that in our telling them, a hurting soul will find that they are travelling with friends that have been where they have been and may finally understand that they are not alone in their journey.

    God bless you A Man

    Andrew

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  20. A man says:

    Hey guys, I just saw that you had answered my previous post. Thorin, as you will have seen in your new post, your blog saved me once again tonight. I have been plagued by urges for the past few days, as I broke up with my girlfriend tow weeks ago. I wouldn’t have acted on them, as I am a very thoughtful guy, but the anxiety was intense. I realized (again) that I have issues with intimacy as my relationship with my mother was emotionally abusive. But like I have said in your other post, my sole mission on this earth is to love the person that God so generously gave me and not dump him into a trash can so that I can forget about his hurt. I still feel like resenting that guy that insulted you a year and a half ago, but I guess I can forgive him as he was sick. But hey, you had struck a chord:P

    Dramaking, you are right. Our voices need to be heard. Fellow men need to see that there are two sides to the story. Dopamine is strong, but God is stronger.

    Like I mentioned in the other post, I still struggle to this day. I am happy about who I am, but the break up uncovered old wounds, and the fact that I have tapered down antidepressants down to 50% of the original dose made feelings of visceral shame that I got taught as a kid thaw and resurface.

    But since I’ve been in recovery, I started loving this man. I started experiencing compassion for him, after all he went through his entire life. I still can’t believe that a being that had never been taught love could create it from within at some point in his life, especially that early in life (24 y.o.).

    I got to admit that I didn’t feel love for my ex girlfriend, having her wear clothes that I would’ve cross dressed into a year and a half ago from time to time.

    By the way, my name is Cedric, pleased to meet all of you. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t use cross dressing, but did use pornography since I left my ex.

    Thorin, God has spoken to me through you that very day I insulted you. I remember the sinking feeling I felt when I read you, that’s when I knew you guys were right. That’s why I lashed. I had to protect my denial. The very day I became an attorney (before enrolling in taxation), that’s when I got my breakdown. That faithful July 23rd 2012.

    You couldn’t have been more on the money when you said how our (my) view of feminity is screwed up.

    I will find it in myself to commit to not using porn anymore. I have succeeded while I was with my girlfriend, but now thought it wouldn’t hurt since I didn’t have a partner to direct my sexual energy toward. But to use pornography is to entertain the deception that cross dressing brought me. I have watched porn tonight and it ended up giving me a panic attack.

    I will ask for God’s help.

    Bless you all!!

    Like

  21. thorin25 says:

    So glad to hear from you again! I was worried I wouldn’t hear from you again. Sounds like you are in a really good process of recovery and really starting to appreciate yourself as the man you are, and learning to forgive yourself for past failures. That is very good!

    I humbly ask that you re-read my above comment to you, as I still think you’d benefit greatly from our prayer chain.

    I just can’t thank you enough for these comments you have shared. It brings such joy to my heart.

    I will pray for you right now that God will give you freedom from this slavery to pornography. It doesn’t help to go from one form of bondage to another! May God fill you with peace, take away your panic and anxiety, assure you of his deep love for you, and give you power to resist temptation. Lord Jesus make Cedric into the man you want him to be. Give him freedom. Make him new!

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  22. Charles Beebe says:

    Hi, Thank you for a very interesting veiw. I never thought of it this way. I am 52 years old and have struggled with this since age 3. From as far back as I can remember (age 3) . I have worn girls clothes. I never got along well or realated well to boys /men. I have always went to church and have been through CR. When I was between the ages 3-9, I had girl playmates, wore girls clothes at home, played with dolls, and cried may nights because God didn’t make me a girl. I begged my Mom and Dad to let me go to school as a girl but they always said God made me a boy. After being beat up a lot and finally raped by boys at age 10. I bit the bullet and gave up my dream. I still had trouble realated to boys so I through myself into as many macho behaviors I could to have something to relate to boys /men. So Even though I never felt comfortable dating girls , I married and raised 3 kids. Went to church every Sunday and lived a full (fake ) life as man. I was a leader at work, in the heavy equipment /uderground construction industry. All this time I was unhappy . I through myself into hobbies , car racing and my business , worked on the church building and constructing as I thought I was being lead by God. All this time I didn’t crossdress, infact I had repressed it and didn’t even remember it. Then 4 years ago my wife of 21 years left me because the economy crashed and I filed bankruptcy. She told me she only married me so she could raise her 2 girls (we had a son together). She said God was calling her to move on. Since then I have been through a lot of soul seaching and when I met a transgender woman at work, heard her story , It all became clear. I had been compensating my whole life , cover my true self with a fake “super macho do gooder image ” At the moment I am really confused . My whole life has been a joke. Knowning God only helped me justify repressing my true self. I have met a wonderful woman who Loves me nomatter what and I Love her to peices . She has helped me find myself pealing away the old destructive macho behavoirs and bringing out my feminine side. This has only streagthened our love. She allows me to crossdress at home and helped me achive a much more feminine look and manerisum. I have never been happier and felt better about myself . I feel good about being me and so does she. This has never been about sex. Which has never ever been better now that I am accepted and truly loved for my true self . I want to mend my relationship with God but I feel he has steered me to hell and its taken a transexual friend and a non believeing girlfriend to sort it out. Is this an addiction?

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  23. thorin25 says:

    Hi charles, your experience sounds much different from my own. Whereas I experienced crossdressing as a sexual addiction, it sounds like experience is more about your perceived identity. I don’t think this post about pornography really relates to your concerns, but if you read my posts marked by the topic “transgender,” you’ll see my thoughts on gender identity issues. https://healingcd.wordpress.com/category/transgender/

    It sounds like you are happy and content on the one hand, so I’m not sure why you are posting here. But then you are asking whether its an addiction and you say you feel really confused. What makes you confused? You don’t seem consistent. Do you think maybe you have been making a mistake in the things you are now doing with this woman?

    I’d love to help you, but I guess I don’t fully grasp where you are coming from. As for me, I don’t believe the answer is for you (or any of us men), to try to become more feminine or try to live as woman. I also highly agree with you that the solution is not to cover up our feelings and compensate with stereotypical masculine behaviors. I think the solution is finding contentment as the unique male and man that you are. Biologically you are a man. It’s just nonsense and pretend fantasy to think otherwise. But you are also a unique man that is different from many of the gender stereotypes of our culture. I suggest embracing your identity as a man but be yourself. If you are sensitive, then be sensitive. If you are nurturing, then nurture. If you love beauty, that is okay. Be yourself. Dressing up in women’s clothing and disguising yourself is another form of denial. It’s not what God wants for you, in my opinion.

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  24. Charles Beebe says:

    Thank so much for responding to my post. I guess I should clarify my confusion. I feel that these past 3 years or so of self discovery has really brought me to a wonderful understanding of myself and who I am. I am content and happier than I have ever been. However I feel that my relationship with God is really slipping away. My dilemma is in finding a way to keep feeling good about myself and my life while as well as being spiritualy fulfiled. I have never seemed to beable to balance.the two. I have been through Celebrate Recovery twice. About 4 years ago, once to get over my exwife dumping me, and the other time was about bringing repressed feelings about the raping that I experienced when I was young. I feel like my whole life the Bible teachings and lessons I have learned growing up in the Presbyterian church have steered me away for finding out who I am and how to live with my identity. I have been to some counseling with a psychologist who suggested that I start hormone replacement therapy. However I stopped going because , even though this soumds logical, I feel that it would be spiritual suicide cutting me off from God for good. I really appreciate your input and like your suggestions of embracing myself and being who I am, a sensitive, nurturing , some what feminine man. And abandoning the crossdressing . I am really going to need Gods help with this one . Any input you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you, God bless, Chuck

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  25. thorin25 says:

    Hi Charles, thanks again for the comment. If you do want to work on sorting out these feelings in a Christian community of other men, and getting some other good input, advice, encouragements, and thoughts, as well as prayers, I invite you to join our prayer group – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    Andrew, who helps out with this blog is big on the celebrate recovery. You may enjoy talking to him about the goods and bads of that program.

    I am so sorry for your painful experiences in the past. We live in a messed up fallen world and I’m so sorry you had to experience such things. May God heal your heart, and comfort you, and give you peace.

    Let me give a few thoughts about church. I think oftentimes it is the Church who prolongs gender stereotypes in an attempt to combat the liberalization and denial of gender in our culture. I also don’t want to deny gender. I think God created 2 sexes and they are beautiful in their differences. But much of the American Church has gone too far and emphasized distinct gender roles too much and laden them with many unhelpful stereotypes. This has done so much damage to people like you and people like me. It’s caused us to feel very insecure in our identity as men, and either feel shame and unmanly and of less value than other men, or it causes us to doubt our very sex, because we feel so differently inside than we are taught that men feel.

    But what if you grew up being taught that men can do things that are “feminine” according to the culture? You might not have had such confusion. Obviously I don’t know, but it’s something to think about. I love bringing up Galatians 5:22-23 – 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. These are the fruits of the Spirit. Therefore Christian men should have lives exhibiting these traits. Yet if you think of gender stereotypes all or at least all but 1 are thought of as feminine. Clearly the church has not been reading the Bible correctly about what it means to be masculine or feminine. So I understand your painful experience in the church and how it has caused you identity crisis. Same here for me. The Church has been part of the problem. It’s good to remember that the church is just made up of fallen sinful , but forgiven people.

    I don’t want to sound arrogant or presumptuous, but I would venture to say that your relationship with God feelings of distance, as well as your identity issues, could be solved going down the path I described of embracing your manhood, maleness, but also allowing yourself to be yourself even if that doesn’t fit the stereotypes our culture praises. This is a process that takes a lot of work, and I’m still working on being my true self, which means letting out certain aspects of my personality that I used to only be able to bring out while crossdressing. And it means pondering and thinking about our desires, why they are there, and how to deal with them, which I’ve been doing through my posts on this site and talking to others. But there is healing to be found. I feel so much freedom as a man instead of longing to be a woman! It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve never felt better in my relationship with God, and I feel like I am truly myself.

    Regardless of how difficult the journey will be for you, the opposite of denying your biological and God given sex, and pretending to be something you are not, that is not the answer, in my opinion. And I think it will only lead to more identity confusion and distance from God.

    What do you think? How can we help? Praying for you at this moment.

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  26. Matt says:

    I found your site only one other time before and it seems to be the only one out there that gives hope for someone wanting to stop and talks about Gods grace. This is exactly what I needed. I am in a 12 step program for about 2 months and still cannot confess my crossdressing. I too have fallen I to this perversion very deeply and thank God that I never acted out with others some I the fantasies that ran through my head. After starting recovery for porn addiction I realize the root issue was my low self worth stemming from wanting to dress up and be like a girl because I never felt man enough even very young. I am thanking god that there are people like me who genuinely want to quit and find Truth. For far too long I thought I had to suppress and lie and dress and hide repeatedly to try to save my marriage or just give it up and give in to my sickness and go to hell. My sickness has now coste my marriage but luckily not before I realized that there is help for me and that the world is wrong. It is not her problem for not accepting me and my only choice is NOT to give in. I can become a recovered man of God. I just wish I had found your site soon enough to save my marriage, but thankfully I found it soon enough to save my life

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  27. thorin25 says:

    Matt I am so glad you found this blog and us as well. God can truly deliver you from bondage to crossdressing. There is freedom ahead. I hope you keep reading my posts and commenting.

    I also invite you to join our prayer group where you will find the support that you need to fight this and find healing and life. Praying for you
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

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  28. Anglo says:

    Wow, very powerful stuff. I was brought here by CDJanie’s link, and am very glad. Several posts have given me a new understanding, especially that of A Man and some of yours, Thorin. It does seem to me that those who have ‘accepted who they are’ are actually just living with a problem, and probably in denial, rather than resolving it. And the suggestion that true freedom lies in being a man, but your own kind of man, rather than finding solace in being a woman, rings much more true than the idea of dealing with a problem caused by gender stereotypes, by living up to one set of stereotypes instead of another. It is interesting that several times on TransPartners, it is reinforced that CD is something people are, not something they do, and that they can never change – but in the advice to wives and girlfriends it is pointed out that they may have been attracted to some of the more ‘feminine’ qualities in their men. Having read this blog, it now seems obvious to me that the real answer lies in embracing those qualities but as a man, not as a woman – that the CD is only a manifestation, and amplification of them, caused by repressing them.

    I have grown up to feel pretty relaxed about who I am, but yes there was a certain amount of bullying etc in my childhood about not being a conformist, or massively manly. My parents brought me up very strongly to be myself – and although I thank them for this, it did result in sticking out from the crowd, and hence becoming a target for others. Ironically, I think it is partly being myself, and not being willing to conform to stereotypes, that then led me to be chastised for this by others, and perhaps partly resenting my own distinctiveness. During early adulthood, and particularly early serious relationships, for the first time I came to be appreciated by women for my male characteristics. I have a quite good body and am pretty sporty, and my hobbies were mainly ‘manly’ – shooting, rallying, rugby. Perhaps this led to me thinking that I had now found my equilibrium. But these relationships were few and far between, and so I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time masturbating, and a lot of time fantasising. Then, when I bought clothes and makeup, I felt that I was asserting my right to be as different as I like, my right to be ‘me’. Now I wonder if in fact I had been polarising my personality.

    I feel that the internet and home computing arrived just a few years too soon for me. It made porn and CD activity too available, just as I became fully adult and with some available cash to indulge this fetish. My wife first found out because I had a stash of porn, pictures and a few clothes. But because it became easier to hide (the invention of memory sticks, ‘incognito’ browsing, etc), I didn’t fully resolve it. The second time, she found a digital image that recovered itself from a camera and I sought treatment. I found out a lot about myself and the problem, and thought I could control it through understanding it. But it’s just too easy to find. Like others, I have found my crossdressing and my pornography addiction reinforcing each other, and now realise that I must tackle both. I distinctly remember coming across shemale images for the first time, and being repulsed, but not long after, coming to seek those out, until they became pretty much exclusively what I sought in porn. Then came the need for more extreme, more perverse porn – and I think I now see that this is repeating the earlier pattern; I see the extra perversion as a validation of a right to be different. I can also see that that’s a pretty slippery slope, and not one I want to end up going down.

    I thank all the posters for their contributions, and hope that my own might be of as much help to some readers as yours were to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. thorin25 says:

    Thank you so much for the comment! I appreciate it. So many here can relate to your experiences. I encourage you to keep reading my other posts.

    About the dangers of pornography addiction – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2014/07/02/how-sexual-addictions-destroy-our-lives/

    If you want help and encouragement and prayer, I invite you to join our support group – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    May I see the link that brought you to this post?

    Like

  30. Sage says:

    Hi Thorin,

    Your blog is truly the only site online that offers hope and speaks against crossdressing. All other sites exist to feed the sickness and make excuses or find justifications. I’ve even seen people find justifications in the bible, one example being that Christ calls us His bride so it’s okay if you want to be a woman… If somebody wants something badly enough, they’ll find what they’re looking for no matter what the text actually means.

    If you are at all familiar with Naaman from the book of 2nd Kings, I find myself relating to him far too often. He was a mighty man of valor, head of the army and a great warrior. But, underneath his armor leprosy was eating him away. Nobody saw it, nobody knew it was there… this is true of burdens and strongholds, isn’t it?

    I have actually only physically given into the act of crossdressing a few times in my life, but the mind is the battlefield. Nearing three months since last feeding it by looking at pictures and letting my mind walk down that dark and dirty alleyway, I find myself battling once again. And it’s mostly due to dreams. I don’t feed it in the daytime, but it slips in far too often at night. Either I am acting on it in my dreams or watching others do it and finding myself getting turned on because of it.

    The hardest part for me is the fact that my wife knows of my struggle and said I can talk to her about it whenever I need to, but that’s the problem. As I’m sure you well know, if I were to always tell her what I’m dealing with it would take up most of the conversation. Crossdressing is absolutely tied with pornography. But, for me it’s the worst kind of addiction, because it is the only kind people applaud.

    They have AA for alcoholics, treatment for drug addicts, therapy for sex addicts, the list goes on and on… But, they don’t offer something for this, because this world has done an excellent job of convincing everyone that it’s harmless or that certain people are just born that way. Ephesians 2:10 says, “we are God’s masterpiece.” And I know that means He doesn’t make mistakes with us. Men who want to be women are not products of a mistake ridden God, but the enemy planting a seed of curiousity and doubt when we are only children, when we don’t know better. I truly believe that just as there is a God Who loves us and has wonderful things planned for us, there is a devil who will do whatever he can to stop God’s plan from coming to pass. He’ll use whatever avenue he can; and crossdressing has to be one of the worst, simply because it spits in the face of the image God has created.

    I love Jesus with all of my heart. And this whole thing started when I was just little, it started with curiousity. And once my dad got sick, it became an escape. Once he died, it became a world I lived in more and more. I would watch hours of videos of men transforming themselves from a normal man to a beautiful ‘woman’. This perverse spirit received a steady diet for seven years that finally culminated in a boiling over of sorts. I couldn’t just watch videos anymore. I had to act it out, which I only did a few times. And each time it was thrilling for a moment, followed by weeks of shame and condemnation, weeks of hopelessness and a desire to throw up my hands and give in entirely. And this was all made worse because for seven years I walked away from God after my dad died. I tried other horizons. And they all left me empty and often suicidal.

    When I came back to God, I came back 100%. But, the remnants of a perverted reality I had formed in my mind still remained. And even though I’m married and a father to a wonderful daughter, the remnants still stick to me. I put on my spiritual armor in the morning; I speak galations 2:20 constantly: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I live, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God Who loves me and willingly gave Himself up for me.” And I speak 2nd corinithians 10:3-5, “For though I walk in the flesh, I do not war after the flesh, for the weapons of my warfare are not carnal. But, mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought captive under the obedience of Jesus Christ.”

    I have hope when reading your blog, because there are men who have been in bondage far longer than I have and they haven’t given in. It is an impossibility, Thorin, for me to give into this. It cannot happen. And yet, the flesh pounds at me; the remnant pulls me back to the familiar and I find myself lost again. There is nothing worse than being in the middle of feeding it while talking to Jesus, asking for help. And knowing that the only relief comes from a certain climax, the days to follow are heavy and hard to walk through. I know Jesus loves me unconditionally, but the devil really knows how to convince you of the exact opposite, doesn’t he? Because, at times, it seems like you are choosing this life over your Savior, when the truth is much darker: you are drowning once again and all you can do is reach your hands out to the Savior.

    From reading the comments on here I know very few of these gentlemen are wanting to plunge into this lifestyle, because we all know it leads to emptiness. And the end game is death. Brother Thorin, I need a prayer chain of men who know what I’m going through and believe that Jesus makes all things new and that we are washed clean by the precious blood of the Lamb. I believe that there is strength in numbers. And though we are battling a very real demon, our God is so much greater!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. […] who want to read a good challenge to their decision to wear women’s clothes, I refer you to an interesting post on his site “Healing From […]

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  32. JC says:

    I find your abuse of religion and poronography as excuses to spread hatred and prejudice against transgendered people, offensive! Not all of us are porno freaks, we express our feminine side by cross dressing. Shame to you!

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  33. thorin25 says:

    Hatred and prejudice usually spread most when people don’t really listen, or when they make accusations out of ignorance.

    Where do you see any evidence of hate on my blog? I encourage you and challenge you to be more careful in your speech. As you well know, speech can cause pain and damage.

    I do not think crossdressers are freaks. I love crossdressers and have this blog in order to help them. I speak out on this blog all the time against hatred of crossdressers and transsexuals. You are accusing me of the exact thing I am working and fighting against. I believe you do so out of ignorance, you are surely not the first to come here and accuse me without really reading what I have written.

    And if you find it hateful to call something sin, please rethink your logic on that one. You can love alcoholics while thinking that alcoholism is unhealthy. Hate and calling something unhealthy or morally wrong, are not the same things. For you to equate them only causes misunderstanding, confusion, and prejudice.

    To the subject of this post, I realize that not all crossdressers crossdress for sexual reasons, but this post is about those who do crossdress for sexual reasons.

    I still think it is unhealthy to crossdress, even for nonsexual reasons. If you have an open mind, please read slowly and carefully these posts and tell me what you think:
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/an-alternative-method-integration-and-contentment/
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/crossdressing-without-sexual-component/

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  34. Justin says:

    i appreciate your prayers. i haven’t crossdressed in about 5 months. It feels good to get away from this. I am in a 12 step group and it has been my strength.

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