Well, it’s been almost 4 months since my last crossdressing failure. That seems like a really small amount of time when I say it. But the way I feel is very different. It feels like it’s been years since I last crossdressed or read cross-dressing stories. I’m not sure why that would be. What I do know is that my life these past 4 months has been incredibly different. I’ve never felt so free in my life. I feel free. I am no longer in bondage to crossdressing. It no longer runs my life. It no longer is a part of my life at all except for this blog. And I don’t miss it one bit. I say that in complete honesty. I know some of you have trouble believing you could ever feel that way, but let me tell you, it is possible.
In my last progress report I mentioned that I desire my wife to wear makeup and certain feminine apparel less than I used to. That sense has only increased in the last month. I think I am losing such a strong attachment to things, and appreciating my wife as an attractive woman, meaning her as a whole person, rather than just the stuff she wears. This is good because my wife appreciates this too as she doesn’t want to put makeup on her face with unknown chemicals in it, and doesn’t want to wear high heels that hurt her feet. So it’s a win-win situation for us.
The only problematic thing is that in the past couple weeks I’ve had more crossdressing in my dreams than in the previous month. I’m not sure why that is. If anything I’ve thought about crossdressing even less over the past couple weeks, since over Christmas vacation I barely looked at my blog. But those dreams trouble me and mess with my thoughts. I don’t like them. Sometimes they still give me sexual pleasure as I dream, but it just makes me feel dirty. The little bit of pleasure they bring is not worth it at all. I’d pay good money to never have those dreams again. But they aren’t the end of the world either. They aren’t making me give in to crossdressing in real life and they aren’t all that often. I just have to treat them like any other nightmare or bad dream. I need to let them go, not dwell on them, and let myself forget them as I do with other bad dreams. And I need to keep praying before bed that God would protect me during my sleep.
A critic might say that these dreams show that deep down I still desire to crossdress. And they would be right. I’m sure deep down somewhere I do feel that way still. But deep down I also have violence, selfishness, and other sexual perversions. I’m the first to admit I’m a messed up person. I’m “crooked deep down” just like the song says that I like by Derek Webb. One day Jesus will return to this earth, and he will make me new. He will give me a new heart that is no longer crooked. I will no longer be full of violence, selfishness, and perversion and will no longer have messed up dreams. In the meantime I fight those desires and thank God for the small changes he makes in my heart every day.