Progress Report 1-2-2012

Well, it’s been almost 4 months since my last crossdressing failure.  That seems like a really small amount of time when I say it.  But the way I feel is very different.  It feels like it’s been years since I last crossdressed or read cross-dressing stories.  I’m not sure why that would be.  What I do know is that my life these past 4 months has been incredibly different.  I’ve never felt so free in my life.  I feel free.  I am no longer in bondage to crossdressing.  It no longer runs my life.  It no longer is a part of my life at all except for this blog.  And I don’t miss it one bit.  I say that in complete honesty.  I know some of you have trouble believing you could ever feel that way, but let me tell you, it is possible.

In my last progress report I mentioned that I desire my wife to wear makeup and certain feminine apparel less than I used to.  That sense has only increased in the last month.  I think I am losing such a strong attachment to things, and appreciating my wife as an attractive woman, meaning her as a whole person, rather than just the stuff she wears.  This is good because my wife appreciates this too as she doesn’t want to put makeup on her face with unknown chemicals in it, and doesn’t want to wear high heels that hurt her feet.  So it’s a win-win situation for us.

The only problematic thing is that in the past couple weeks I’ve had more crossdressing in my dreams than in the previous month.  I’m not sure why that is.  If anything I’ve thought about crossdressing even less over the past couple weeks, since over Christmas vacation I barely looked at my blog.  But those dreams trouble me and mess with my thoughts.  I don’t like them.  Sometimes they still give me sexual pleasure as I dream, but it just makes me feel dirty.  The little bit of pleasure they bring is not worth it at all.  I’d pay good money to never have those dreams again.  But they aren’t the end of the world either.  They aren’t making me give in to crossdressing in real life and they aren’t all that often.  I just have to treat them like any other nightmare or bad dream.  I need to let them go, not dwell on them, and let myself forget them as I do with other bad dreams.  And I need to keep praying before bed that God would protect me during my sleep.

A critic might say that these dreams show that deep down I still desire to crossdress.  And they would be right.  I’m sure deep down somewhere I do feel that way still.  But deep down I also have violence, selfishness, and other sexual perversions.  I’m the first to admit I’m a messed up person.  I’m “crooked deep down” just like the song says that I like by Derek Webb.   One day Jesus will return to this earth, and he will make me new.  He will give me a new heart that is no longer crooked.  I will no longer be full of violence, selfishness, and perversion and will no longer have messed up dreams.  In the meantime I fight those desires and thank God for the small changes he makes in my heart every day.

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4 comments on “Progress Report 1-2-2012

  1. thorin25 says:

    Thanks, that was an interesting read. I’m not sure I buy much of it though. But still thought provoking. His description of crossdressing dreams doesn’t really seem to fit my experience either. Mine are very sexual, not about me needing to express my feminine traits more. But thank you for it, keep the interesting articles coming 🙂

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  2. Ralph says:

    My crossdressing dreams are about evenly split between “wish-fulfillment” type (where I’m given access to dresses exactly the style I like and encouraged to wear them) and “caught in the act” anxiety dreams where I realize I’m caught out in the open in women’s clothes and trying desperately to hide before anyone notices. In the last one, some new friends from church (the entire family including 6 kids) had stopped by to visit while I was still in bed, and they were all clustered in my bedroom while I tried to discreetly remove my nightgown and stash it out of sight.

    And yeah, I agree that the Jungian description seems awfully generic… it sounds like something a person unfamiliar with crossdressing would *assume* we are expressing through our dreams because it seems to make sense intuitively.

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  3. Imitations says:

    Hi Ralph and Thorin. I must admit the site I passed along was not a good one and due to my haste to offer some information to Thorin I must be honest and state I did not read it all the way through. I realized only afterward it was some “New Age” mambo-jumbo that is not indicative of Jung’s studies at all. Sorry about that! For what it’s worth I’ll pass along my own thoughts on the subject.

    As I see it, what Jung says about dreams is that they hold a key to understanding our inner psyche that may conflict with what we believe we understand about ourselves, or what we hold to be true about our our personal beliefs. Take for example crossdressers.

    In partaking in their behaviour they may derive a certain pleasure from their actions yet at the same time innately feel their behaviour does not fit with what they feel they know is right or wrong. The behaviour than becomes problematic in as much as it becomes repressed in their subconsciousness, (or “Shadow” as Jung called it) and subsequently hidden away from the persona they present to their wives, friends, associates or the outside world in general.

    It is this conflict that Jung proposed was the cause of many of our anxieties and thereby is reproduced in some of our dreams as a result of subconscious conflicts held deep within our psyche, which is why I say we are not always the master of self-control we believe ourselves to be.

    Jung felt, in believing what we hold to be true about ourselves (displayed by our Persona) it may in fact be the opposite (held within our Shadow) of what we “think” we understand about ourselves as individuals. This is not to say that all dreams hold such secrets or that we are living a false life; but it does help us to identify and resolve many issues that keep us from becoming the person we were born to be if we were to unveil the persona we believe or think ourselves to be.

    Jung postulated that we as individuals where the only one’s capable of understanding the significance of our existence and therefore, only we with private knowledge of ourselves, had the ability to interrupt the symbology represented in our dreams, precisely because we are the only ones who experienced the issues surrounding the causes for our own repressed behaviour.

    Jungian Therapy is not about giving one a readymade answer as I believe Freudian psychology we have it, but helping one interpret the symbology contained within the dream itself, something only we can know, or conversely, deny about ourselves.

    Hope this helps.

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