Telling the Truth

I really like a friend’s post called “Truth and Honesty” which you can read – “here.”  I won’t repeat everything he says.  You can read it yourself.  But here a few of his thoughts and a couple comments of my own.

One of his main points is that in the fight against crossdressing, honesty is more important than sobriety.  This is something that I also stress with my accountability partners, even those who struggle with other things besides crossdressing.  You can’t help yourself or get help from others unless you are first honest.   You could maybe say that healing from crossdressing begins with honesty.

When we fail, we can tell our wives, tell our accountability partners, and be forgiven, and then get back up off the ground and continue the fight again.  But if we lie, or even just fail to confess our crossdressing to others, it remains a secret sin, and it gains power.  Every time we are honest about it and confess, it loses power.

I have experienced the power of honesty in my fight against crossdressing.  Some of the most powerful moments in my life, both in my fight against crossdressing, and in building life-long intimate relationships, were the times when I told people about my crossdressing.  I’ve told a family member, my wife, and a few different friends.  It took a lot of courage every time I shared, but every time it was so worth it.  Every time I received forgiveness and understanding and compassion, and every time I helped others to widen their view of the world and people.  Every time I shared, it made crossdressing lose its power of deception.  It made it easy to resist afterwards.

(For any of you who have not told your wives, I encourage you to do so.  If you tell her and come from a position of wanting help to fight it, it will go over much better than if she catches you doing it or discovers it in another way.  Then she’ll brood on it without understanding what’s really going on and it will be much worse).

Crossdressing is so easy to rationalize much of the time.  We might make a commitment to resist it, but then rationalize doing it for reasons that don’t actually make any sense, but seem to in our own minds.  But then telling somebody about our failure afterwards helps us to sort through all those lies.  Each time you confess, crossdressing loses its power again.

Here are some Scripture passages to back this up –

1 John 1:5-10

5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from allsin.

8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

Part of living in the light is not hiding in the darkness of deception.  Honesty is the beginning.  Also it’s hard to get a more beautiful verse than verse 9.  We are assured of complete forgiveness.


 Hebrews 4:12-13

12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

God already knows everything we do and eventually other people will too when we die.  So we might as well tell others now and get help.


Proverbs 28:13

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.


5 comments on “Telling the Truth

  1. Ralph says:

    Yes, yes, and yes! The biggest arguments I get into with other crossdressers is on the subject of honesty. Actually even leaving aside the crossdressing aspect, the whole mindset that “a little white lie” is acceptable just boggles my mind.

    My wife and I have had our trouble in our marriage (both of us suffering an abundance of pride and stubbornness), but one thing we established from the start was complete honesty, always. “But what about secrets for birthday and Christmas gifts?” If you don’t want the other person to spoil the secret about what you’re getting, don’t ask. “What about questions like ‘does this make me look fat?'” Again, if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask. I *will* tell the truth… but I will do so in as gentle and as loving a way as possible without compromising the truth.

    “But if I tell her about the crossdressing, she’ll hate me.” She’ll be far more angry when, not if, she finds out on her own and realizes you have been deceiving her all these years. And don’t even get me started on the guys who not only lie, but take pride in how cleverly they conceal their activities from their wives. Just another example of how crossdressing can become a selfish activity that ruins relationships.


  2. thorin25 says:

    Ralph your comment reminded me of how my family got really angry when I told people that if I was visiting someone and they asked how I liked the food, that I would be honest if I didn’t like it. My family interpreted it badly telling me, “that’s so wrong of you to tell them you hate their food, it’s so disrespectful.” But I responded to them saying, “no, I can find ways to be honest and still loving. For example saying, I really appreciate the food you made for me or I didn’t like that as much, but that other thing was really good.” I think I am honest because I really want people to honest with me too, even if it means telling me something they don’t like about me.


  3. BIgBrotherSux1 says:

    Crossdressing is wrong and agree mostly about the honesty aspect but Ralph above is too legalistic about “lying”. The prostitute Rahab in the Old Testament “lied” to her fellow citizens and told them the Israelite spies went in a different direction. For her “lie” God spared her life. Abraham lied about Sarah being his sister, etc. Let’s not get too legalistic here. If my beloved grandmother cooks a meal for me when I’m sick and the roast is burned, I’ll still tell her it’s delicious and I’m sure the Lord will understand.


  4. thorin25 says:

    Yes the Rahab story is very very interesting because of the lying and she is commended by God. Plus the classic example of lying to the Nazis about the Jews in your house, would surely be a commendable action. I think though personally, that lying is always bad, in the sense of lying is not part of the way things are supposed to be in God’s shalom, God’s good creation. But because we live in a fallen sinful warped messed up world, lying is sometimes necessary and actually what God wants us to do. I look it at as always a bad thing, but sometimes a necessary less bad thing than telling the truth. Similar to how war and violence is always bad, and not the way things are supposed to be, but sometimes it’s still necessary (and even commanded by God at times in Scripture). Coming back to the dinner of your grandmother, I would advocate that the lying is not necessary in that case to show love. There are other options besides lying and saying “i hated this food.” Lying is often the easy way out and can be unhelpful. Back to crossdressing, I think that one could come up with times where lying might be the lesser of 2 evils, but this would be quite a stretch, and right now at this late hour, I can think of no hypothetical example related to crossdressing in which I would advocate a lie being okay.


  5. Ralph says:

    Don’t misunderstand me; I would lie to others (outside my family) in a heartbeat to protect my family or save a life. If all you took away from my comments was the idea that I judge and condemn anyone who ever says something untrue for any reason, I failed to communicate the point I was making.

    As Thorin said, there are ways to speak the truth in love even when a lie would sound better. I suppose I’d have to actually be in that scene with the hypothetical grandmother to know how exactly I would respond without hurting her feelings or seeming ungrateful, but when I read that example my first thought was “Really, she didn’t know the roast was burned and comment on it herself?” In any case, I would probably thank her profusely for taking care of me and simply not mention the quality of the roast one way or the other.

    I was going to say that it’s the motivation, rather than the action, that matters, but even that is an oversimplification. We can *always* find justification for what we do by convincing ourselves there is a higher purpose at stake. “I lied to my wife about working late rather than tell her I was at dinner with a female colleague because if she knew I was having an affair it would make her sad, and I wanted to spare her feelings and keep our marriage solid.” Sparing your wife’s feelings and keeping the marriage solid is a noble goal, isn’t it? So as soon as you latch on to that as your higher purpose, you’re free to lie to her face under any circumstances.

    Yes, there are abundant counterexamples in circumstances where lying would save lives, prevent crime, etc. But the existence of counterexamples doesn’t justify all lying in all circumstances, just those specific circumstances. My point still stands: There is no justification for lying to your wife, and especially with regards to doing things which would upset her if she found out on her own.


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