Afterglow of crossdressing versus sex

Lately I’ve been pondering the strangeness of the feelings and thoughts that come right after crossdressing.   I’m sure it’s not like this for all crossdressers, so please withhold your judgment if this doesn’t fit for you.  But for me and many others, feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and feeling dirty come after crossdressing.  I know I’m not alone in this – some of the search terms people have typed in and found their way to my blog have revealed that they feel the same thing after crossdressing.

It’s so strange.  One minute crossdressing seems like the best thing in the world.  We are caught up in feeling like a woman, having a different identity, or perhaps feeling like our true self in some mysterious way.  We might be caught up in great sexual pleasure.  But then after the sexual release, everything suddenly changes.  One minute we were looking in the mirror and seeing an attractive woman and enjoying looking at ourself.  But after the masturbation suddenly the woman becomes a weird looking man in a dress.  The deception flounders and dies.  We feel guilty and full of shame.   We feel we have betrayed ourselves in some sense.  We no longer desire the crossdressing.  Crossdressing suddenly seems perverse and messed up.  To me this shows the power of a sinful sexual sin frenzy.  Our minds become so foggy and polluted that we don’t fully realize what we are doing.  The sexual pleasure overcomes rational thought.  Then only afterward can we really see crossdressing for what it really is.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this lately is because the after feelings that come after sex with my wife are so utterly different which I just noticed recently.  Our sex life is far from “good.”  My wife doesn’t really enjoy it, other than getting massages from me.  So it’s a big struggle and sometimes hard for me to enjoy it as much I hope to, because I know it’s not awesome for her.  But she is trying to love me through it and trying to make the best of it, and we are trying new things all the time to try to give her pleasure through it.  Anyway, our sex life could be far better, but it’s okay.  But still, when we have sex, and I’m with her in bed, after the sexual release, I don’t want to let go.  I want to stay inside her.  I want to hold her.  I want to caress her.  I want to keep giving her massages.  I want to lie down and snuggle.  I want to tell her I love her.  I want to talk with her.  I want to spoon her as we drift off asleep.  It’s a very romantic afterglow utterly unlike the afterglow of crossdressing.

So perhaps we should not judge our activities based on how sexually pleasurable they are, but rather on how we feel about ourselves afterwards.  Adultery, pornography, crossdressing, and any other number of things might be incredibly pleasurable, but how do we feel afterward?  Do we feel perverse?  Do we feel like we betrayed ourselves or the people we love?  Or does the sexual activity cause us to love ourselves and someone else even more?  My sexual times with my wife are quite pleasurable, but there have been certain extended crossdressing episodes that were super sexually pleasurable.  But my times with my wife cause me to love her more and feel good about myself.  My times after crossdressing were all the worst moments of my entire life.  That tells me something.

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12 comments on “Afterglow of crossdressing versus sex

  1. marky says:

    Certainly I find myself in exactly the same situation and as you describe; the wholesome feelings that one experiences after sex with one’s wife contrasted with the shame felt after dressing are startling. In fact one of the many things that i bring to mind when i am starting to get sucked into the ‘funnel’ is a reminder about how rotten I will feel afterwards.

    It would seem then that after the chemical release that we find ourselves in our most ‘naked and vulnerable’ state (literally and metaphorically) where we are able to truly judge our actions against our values. Given that God created sex – it should come with no guilt where exercised under the right conditions – whether a believer or not – If we experience these feelings of guilt of shame – we absolutely must wake up and question why. Something must be out of line. I think that it is more foundational and siesmic than even my weak faith pricking my conscience.

    I do not know if you have ever read a book by Rob Bell called ‘Sex God’ – this is an easy to read and wonderfully crafted short book which explains the beauty and christian interpretation of sex, which weaves the mystery of human sexual relationships with one’s spouse to relationship between God and his people. – This along with one or two other books has been instrumental in getting me to where I am now. It is a must read for any christian dealing with sexual addiction – from time to time when I’m going through a bad patch – I’ll dip into it and I find that just reading the truth settles me down.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Mark. I have some reservations with some of Rob Bell’s theology, but that certainly sounds like a great book. I’m adding it to my reading list.

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  3. Jared says:

    I would describe the feeling afterwards as empty, as if there is no upside to the action. You aren’t pleasing anyone but yourself. In fact, you are only draining yourself of energy that could be channeled into something great.

    That might be why you feel a lot different when your with your wife. You are actually giving to someone else, and the reward is a sense of closeness with the one you love.

    I know what you mean though. The feeling is so great for a few moments, then it takes a 180 degree turn. This has served as motivation for me to get through the urges, because I know what it won’t result in anything positive.

    Just today I felt like masturbating, but I asked myself: What good is it going to do? How will it enhance my life?

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  4. Clarissa says:

    I have not felt anything the least bit negative before, during nor after crossdressing since I was prepubescent! Never have I felt ‘dirty’ about it in any way whatsoever. How could anyone feel dirty about starting with one’s body freshly bathed, entirely body hairless, moisturized, powdered, sweetly perfumed…sliding on a brand new soft, silky, satiny pair of pantyhose…just laundered and fabric sheet softened panties, bra, slip…tightly lacing into a corsetted hourglass….relishing two wonderful hours applying the perfect makeup…then sliding on a cool, silky, satiny ball gown replete with billowing yard after yard of stark, crisp, white lace…then topping the outfit off with a pair of sparkly, silver strappy leather, rhinestone encrusted, four inch spike-heeled sandals, rhinestone necklace, earrings and bracelet…I can’t think of anything more yummy, clean, fresh and all good than THAT! Now, dirty would be playing football with the guys, getting all smelly, stinky and sweaty, sliding across a fragrant blend of algae, mud and smashed turf grass, coating each other with generously shared sweat, mucous and saliva exuded uncontrolled from every pore and orafice…followed by yet the ‘best’ part: ah, the delightful stench of a locker room…floor slickly coated with a thin soup of everything from urine to semen…stepping in it all with bare feet while some jerk splashing his sweat all over snaps at everyone with a towel that is quite damp with gawd only knows what!…smell of fresh fart seasoning the already air most foul…and all of it blanketed by the stomach churning driven by a hideous toxic excess of environmental testosterone laced with male pheremone thicker than cow’s breath…And of course, if one has not enjoyed enough special goodness yet from the football and locker room, by all means follow that up by sloshing one’s member into a wet, fishy hole to get it nice and coated with that spring fresh feel and aroma of yeasty vaginal secretions…uh, no thanks…you guys may have all that delicious masculinity to your heart’s content baby…I’ll stick with the laundry fresh pink satin cocktail dress or quinceanera gown and all the underpinnings!

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  5. thorin25 says:

    Clarissa, I was referring not to physical dirtiness but emotional or spiritual feelings of being “dirty.” But I understand that not every crossdresser feels that way. Many do not feel that way, like you. So maybe this post doesn’t apply to you. I said that at the top of my post. But for many people like me, we do feel spiritually and emotionally dirty afterwards. It’s just a metaphor because it is not physical dirt, but strangely there is even the feeling of wanting to take a shower afterwards for me. Perhaps part of it is physical dirtiness of my own bodily fluids starting to get on the clothing that I shouldn’t have been wearing in the first place. But it’s a real feeling nevertheless. Playing football I might feel incredibly gross and dirty from sweat, but my heart would feel clean.

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  6. […] days ago I read about this on my friend’s blog. So I like to tell about my own experience about it. My feelings and […]

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  7. Robyn says:

    Thorin25, When you are finished reading Rob Bell’s book, I highly recommend you read “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla. The book presents a profound, thought-provoking Christian view of marriage and the relations between the sexes. It may totally change how you look at marriage.

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  8. thorin25 says:

    Robyn, that does look like a good book, I’d like to read it sometime

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  9. mark says:

    Wow! This article described me totally. Clarissa’s comments were extremely titalating, and described my feelings BEFORE the release. But afterwards, is the guilt and revulsion. I love your point about judging ourselves on how wer feel afterwards. That just makes a lot of sense.

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  10. pierced dave says:

    just enjoy it but do it more often that is what i do

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  11. expansiblog says:

    I am fighting these feelings too and losing. I know crossdressing is a nefarious activity and is done in vain and has no point other than pleasure / release. This must be why we feel “spiritually “dirty”. I get the whole Prolactin and “pulling away” chemical sensations but there is in reality something more to the “after affect” of shame. If we are spiritually receptive to a higher being ; God/truth/Light, ect, I think the feeling is of us letting him down and causing him Grief. In the New testament it speaks of Malakia and Malakos(1 Corinthians 6:9); of being Soft/weak/effeminate and they will not inherit the Kingdom to come. A lot of people I know claim it to only be speaking about homosexuals but in reality i feel it covers men who fall into Transvestism and become “Strange Flesh” like in the book of Jude when speaking about Sodom and Gomorrah. I hope God/Light/Truth can forgive this thorn in my side as I know everytime I put on that dress or heels, I am not doing godly things but sinful, material lusting that is denigrative to my soul. I do not advocate crossdressing to anyone as it’s something I know I really shouldn’t be doing, for its making me lust and be sexualy immoral. I myself am not a homosexual but believe that my crossdressing has led me to open up to suggestions as I have had a Single Gay sexual encounter just to know if I was and I ended up not liking it and having to repent for that. I have told god I was going to stop dressing and doing these things but I am failing him and myself. I don’t know why I want to be Girly. Is this my test?

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  12. thorin25 says:

    Thank you for the comment. Treat it like an addiction. It’s not going to stop easily. You need to put the work in – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/

    I will pray for you right now that God gives you the help and power to stop. You already have the desire, so may he work in you and transform your life, giving you what you wish.

    If you would like the accountability, encouragement, and prayers of a group of us who are trying to change together, you are very welcome to join our email prayer group –
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

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