Lately I’ve been pondering the strangeness of the feelings and thoughts that come right after crossdressing. I’m sure it’s not like this for all crossdressers, so please withhold your judgment if this doesn’t fit for you. But for me and many others, feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and feeling dirty come after crossdressing. I know I’m not alone in this – some of the search terms people have typed in and found their way to my blog have revealed that they feel the same thing after crossdressing.
It’s so strange. One minute crossdressing seems like the best thing in the world. We are caught up in feeling like a woman, having a different identity, or perhaps feeling like our true self in some mysterious way. We might be caught up in great sexual pleasure. But then after the sexual release, everything suddenly changes. One minute we were looking in the mirror and seeing an attractive woman and enjoying looking at ourself. But after the masturbation suddenly the woman becomes a weird looking man in a dress. The deception flounders and dies. We feel guilty and full of shame. We feel we have betrayed ourselves in some sense. We no longer desire the crossdressing. Crossdressing suddenly seems perverse and messed up. To me this shows the power of a sinful sexual sin frenzy. Our minds become so foggy and polluted that we don’t fully realize what we are doing. The sexual pleasure overcomes rational thought. Then only afterward can we really see crossdressing for what it really is.
The reason I’ve been thinking about this lately is because the after feelings that come after sex with my wife are so utterly different which I just noticed recently. Our sex life is far from “good.” My wife doesn’t really enjoy it, other than getting massages from me. So it’s a big struggle and sometimes hard for me to enjoy it as much I hope to, because I know it’s not awesome for her. But she is trying to love me through it and trying to make the best of it, and we are trying new things all the time to try to give her pleasure through it. Anyway, our sex life could be far better, but it’s okay. But still, when we have sex, and I’m with her in bed, after the sexual release, I don’t want to let go. I want to stay inside her. I want to hold her. I want to caress her. I want to keep giving her massages. I want to lie down and snuggle. I want to tell her I love her. I want to talk with her. I want to spoon her as we drift off asleep. It’s a very romantic afterglow utterly unlike the afterglow of crossdressing.
So perhaps we should not judge our activities based on how sexually pleasurable they are, but rather on how we feel about ourselves afterwards. Adultery, pornography, crossdressing, and any other number of things might be incredibly pleasurable, but how do we feel afterward? Do we feel perverse? Do we feel like we betrayed ourselves or the people we love? Or does the sexual activity cause us to love ourselves and someone else even more? My sexual times with my wife are quite pleasurable, but there have been certain extended crossdressing episodes that were super sexually pleasurable. But my times with my wife cause me to love her more and feel good about myself. My times after crossdressing were all the worst moments of my entire life. That tells me something.