Becoming the woman my wife is not

Looking over search terms of people who have found my website, one that has come up a few times is very interesting -“crossdressing to be the woman my wife isn’t.”  Now whoever wrote that, I apologize to you.  I don’t know what exactly you mean, don’t know what you believe, don’t know what you do, and I’m not critiquing you individually as I write this post.  But I’m going to write about what I think you might have meant by that search term.

The search term made me think about my own life and my own experience with crossdressing in the past.  Most of the times I have crossdressed, at least since being married, was done using my wife’s clothing.  (I am so ashamed to say that.  But I am forgiven so I will not dwell in shame).   I really think that through my crossdressing I was often creating a substitute woman for my wife.  The things that I liked about her appeared in that make believe woman.  The things that I didn’t like about her did not appear.  The things that I wished she would be like or look like appeared in that make believe woman.

It’s not surprising, given this, that I often crossdressed at times of disappointment in marriage.  Times when my wife was not having sex with me, or at least really not wanting to have sex (but doing it grudgingly), were times of increased crossdressing.  Times when the romantic spark was not in our marriage were times of increased crossdressing.  Instead of working harder at the marriage, and fostering romantic love between my wife and I, I escaped into the make believe woman of my crossdressed self.  I tried to find love and intimacy and sexual passion through that make believe woman.  I did find sexual pleasure, but no love and intimacy, and only darkness, deception, and guilt.  Even though I was crossdressing in secret, it was obvious that my crossdressing was not helping my marriage, but only making it worse.   I was distracted from loving my real wife, because of this false woman.

I didn’t like my wife’s lack of sexual desire for me.  So I created a false woman who could turn me on instantly whenever I wanted.  I didn’t like how frigid my wife felt and how asexual she seemed to be.  So I created a woman who loved to wear lingerie and loved to model it, a woman who loved to pose sexually in the mirror, and loved to even dance sexually in the mirror.  I was annoyed at my wife not wanting to wear high heels or makeup or painted nails, so my make believe woman of course loved those things.  Sometimes I would even pretend that I was my wife herself, which wasn’t too hard since I was wearing her clothes.  But I was the perfect version of her, the woman of my dreams.  I even would lie down in bed in her underwear and imagine having sex, but I was imagining being her in the sexual intercourse.

I created a false woman to be with instead of my wife because I was not happy with her.  This seems to be basically adultery even though no other real woman was involved.  Why do people cheat on their spouses?  The other partner doesn’t love them enough or doesn’t have sex enough or isn’t understanding enough or isn’t attractive enough, so the person who feels like they are missing out on those things, then goes and finds that love, or sex, or understanding, or attraction from another person.  And an affair is born.  Well, in the case of crossdressers, it’s much easier.  We don’t need to go out and find another woman to be with and commit adultery, we can create the woman of our dreams on our own.  But our heart is the same as the adulterer.  Granted, crossdressing as an outward action is not as serious of a sin as adultery by far in my opinion.  But in the inward reality of the heart, there is the exact same sin and evil in the heart of the crossdresser as in the adulterer.   And we know that God cares very much about our heart, not just the outward things we do.  In my case, at least, my heart was no different than an adulterer’s heart would be.  I just betrayed my wife for another woman in a different way than a typical adulterer, but I was still betraying her, and my heart was full of the same sinful motivations.  But again, I am forgiven through the Lord Jesus Christ, and am under no condemnation.  Thank you Lord.  Further, Jesus has rescued me from this adulterous trap that I was in.  It feels so good to be free.


3 comments on “Becoming the woman my wife is not

  1. Marky says:

    Hi Thorin, fascinating post which answers the apologist who’s says that cross dressing is only “harmless fun”. Really you have looked at the heart of the issue and questioned what was going on and why and it’s wider spiritual implications. I remember reading of pornography addiction that one of the concerns/ challenges wives faced was that their husbands had created in their heads the ‘ideal’ image of what a woman should be like and do. These wives neither resembled these images nor would would they wish to, nor compete with them. In the same way we create this ideal woman and try and transpose it upon ourselves – and really this is only a flawed two dimensional image of a female. I completely agree that cross dressing is a sin of the heart. if the joining of a man and woman together through marriage, mutual respect and love is a reflection, or the merest glimpse at how God views his relationship with his people then surely we must ask questions when we introduce another woman into the relationship- it is akin to false God, distracting us from what should be our own first true love.


  2. Andy says:

    Thank you for writing this; it mirrors me perfectly. It is so encouraging to know that I am not alone. I have struggled with dressing up since a child and with pornography since a young teen. Both of which have virtually destroyed my love for my wife and my marriage.
    I found your site by accident yesterday and I’m so glad I did. God bless you for your honesty.


  3. thorin25 says:

    You are not alone! Please keep reading my posts so you can understand these issues more. If you would like support, accountability, advice, and prayers as you quit crossdressing, please join our group –


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