Well since my last progress report, overall things have been going really well. Crossdressing desires continue to diminish and most days I can look at my wife’s clothing in the closet, think about how I used to crossdress, and realize I have not the slightest desire to do so anymore. I continue to enjoy the freedom that that gives. I continue to desire my wife more, and crossdressing less.
One thing I was realizing though is that when you kick away one sin, another one starts to badger you. Over the past 7 months, since I stopped crossdressing for good, I’ve struggled much more with pride than I used to. Not that I’ve been feeling better than other people, or better than other crossdressers. I’ve just been proud of myself and thinking too well of myself, instead of giving God the credit for my freedom. My crossdressing failures in the past used to keep me humble, reliant on God’s forgiveness, and dependent on him. But with crossdressing out of the picture, I can easily think of myself more highly than I ought, and start to ignore other sins in my life. Pride is a huge deal. For those of you giving up crossdressing watch out. It would be better to stay in crossdressing, than to get rid of crossdressing and become a proud Pharisee. The Bible warns about pride at least just as much as sexual immorality. So recently, pride is the bigger issue in my life, not crossdressing, that I’ve been battling, but I’m getting help through God’s Word, my wife, and others, to try to bring me to more humility.
Sometimes pride comes before the fall. I was thrown for a loop this week as some crossdressing desires came out of the blue today. Part of the problem was having 2 crossdressing dreams in a row after not having any such dreams in weeks. I’ve also been extremely stressed out this month from busyness with my work, feeling emotionally drained. There are so many hurting people that I’ve been praying for and trying to help, that I ended up feeling so drained and stressed that I almost burned out. In the face of that, I didn’t do what I needed to do which is spending the time needed with God in order to refuel and de-stress. If I was being faithful in my quiet time with God, and letting him fill me up with joy, I probably would not have been in the danger zone I was in today.
So today in the face of those desires I lost my head a bit. I was looking at some crossdressing forums online, (which I do very often, as well as crossdressing blogs, to dialogue with others, but probably shouldn’t have been doing that on a day like today when I was more vulnerable than usual). Today that slowly turned into looking at a few crossdressing pictures online. That’s as far as it went. I resisted reading the crossdressing fiction I used to be addicted to reading, (though I had strong cravings to read it), and resisted any actual crossdressing. The photos of crossdressed men I saw disgusted me, but were also somehow pleasurable to look at because they got me thinking about crossdressing myself. I fell into my old habit. I used to surf the web and look at and read whatever crossdressing stuff I wanted for hours. I started to fall into that old mentality today after looking at those photos, but stopped after a few photos, once I realized what path I was headed down. For a few moments, I went into that mental zone I used to go into, where I would forget about the rest of real life temporarily.
It sucks to admit all of this, to whoever is reading my blog these days. But I must be honest, or I might as well shut down this whole blog. I wish I could say everything is just perfect as far as my crossdressing past (and may have easily said so last week), but my actions today show that there are still some crossdressing desires that haven’t fully left yet. I’m taking this as a wake up call and a reminder that I need to be vigilant. It has been so easy to resist crossdressing over the last 7 months, that I wasn’t really keeping my guard up anymore I think. I could have easily resisted doing what I did today on the internet, but it just took me by surprise.
I know I’ve not been suppressing my crossdressing desires. I do blog type stuff about crossdressing every day. I’m thinking about it all the time, and almost all the time really have no desire for crossdressing anymore. I think it was simply a matter of drifting into an old habit accidentally.
Afterwards, even though it wasn’t real crossdressing or reading fantasies, I still felt really bad. It reminded me of a search term somebody typed in the other day who found my blog. They said, “feeling like shit after crossdressing.” I feel a bit like that today. But I’m going to move on. I’m not going to let this bring me down, especially in such an important church week. I’m going to continually run back to my joy in my savior Jesus Christ who died on a cross to take the punishment for my sins. My Lord Jesus Christ who rose from the dead to conquer death and promised me resurrection and eternal life as well. In the face of such awesome truths and wonderful joy, why let my sin bother me? It has been washed away. All that is left to do is rejoice!