I confess to having had strong desires over my life for reading crossdressing fiction. I’m talking about reading stories at places like tgstories or fictionmania or storysite (and many other places). I would read stories about people being forced to crossdress by other people or by unlikely situations. Or sometimes stories about people discovering crossdressing and enjoying it, possibly with encouragement from family or friends. And sometimes they were just random stories about people crossdressing. I read plenty of stories that were geared towards the transgendered but I found those pleasurable often as well. I hate to admit that I’ve read (a lot of skimming) probably thousands of such stories over my life. It sucked away so much of my time, much more than physical crossdressing ever did. I would read for hours at a time, with an erection for much of that time, and then finally masturbate in the bathroom and stop. Then I’d delete my internet history. Then I’d feel guilty about what I did, but the worst was feeling guilt at all the wasted time. I’d feel dirty especially after some of the junk I read.
Over the last 10 years, to be real honest, crossdressing fiction has been a much bigger problem and addiction in my life than actual crossdressing itself. There are a few reasons for this –
1. Reading stories about people having to or choosing to crossdress for various reasons was extremely sexually pleasurable for me. It also was emotionally pleasurable, emotionally a relief and escape from life pressures, and it was fun. (Though I never felt good afterward, see post – here).
2. I was much less likely to be caught reading something on my computer than if I was physically crossdressing and someone walked in on me. Further it is very easy to erase internet history, but much harder to fix a torn dress or wash clothing that I got sweaty or dirty. I didn’t have a physical stash of clothes for the most part for those years, but even if I did, it would have been easier to erase internet history than to hide clothing.
3. I sometimes felt less guilty about it than if I were crossdressing. Though I knew that Jesus said thinking about sin in our hearts and fantasizing about it is also sinful, I just tried to ignore that truth at times. It felt less bad if I only read about people crossdressing without doing it myself.
And in just the past few years, a new reason –
4. Reading crossdressing fiction is MORE pleasurable and enticing than actual crossdressing. The more I’ve realized how sinful and messed up and distorted crossdressing is, the less I desire to do actual crossdressing. Actual crossdressing is too hard nowadays. I look at myself and realize how ridiculous I look, how deceptive and foolish of an activity it is, and it’s just not as pleasurable as reading the fiction. This idea I’ve noticed even more strongly now that I stopped crossdressing for good. When I finally had some long term success stopping crossdressing starting back at the beginning of September 2011 until now, I also stopped reading crossdressing fiction. Through these last 8 months or so, I’ve noticed that my temptations to crossdressing have diminished far beyond what I expected. There are still days of temptation yes, but overall I feel free from any crossdressing desires on a day to day basis.
One thing that is interesting though is that when the desires for crossdressing do rarely come, 90% of the time they come in the desire to read crossdressing fiction rather than to do actual crossdressing. At this point actual crossdressing just seems ridiculous. It seems so dumb, I have little desire for it. It would be almost hard to do and find pleasure in, because the reality of what I was doing would hit me so hard. But crossdressing fiction is different. It’s an old habit that provides immediate sexual gratification. The stories are told in such a way that they are pleasurable because in the stories there aren’t horrible consequences for crossdressing, people always feel good afterward, they look beautiful, and others encourage them and also say that they are beautiful. Sometimes our imagination is much more powerful and pleasurable than the reality. (In this way perhaps I’m more like the typical woman than the typical man, the stories are what turn me on more than the sight). Crossdressing always sounds fun and exciting in the stories, but in real life it’s not all its cracked up to be. Thankfully I have completely avoided crossdressing fiction sites since beginning of September 2011. To God be the glory for giving me the grace I needed to resist.
On a different note, I’d like to talk about another aspect of crossdressing fiction in my experience. When I was reading these stories or searching for these stories I was always looking for the “harmless” ones that didn’t include pedophilia, incest, sadism, masochism, diapers, erotica, brutal forced crossdressing, domination, manipulation, rape, sissification, women being portrayed as bimbos, homosexuality, abuse, bestiality, and all sorts of other kinds of sexual immorality. What is disturbing and maybe surprising for some of you is that the vast MAJORITY of these stories includes some of these things. I’m not sure why. It was hard to find so called “tame” crossdressing stories.
I often would spend literal hours searching on search engines like google to find more harmless stories. I wasted so much time. But usually I would end up reading the stories or skimming the stories with some of those nasty things in them. Being the man of faith I am I always found those parts of the stories disgusting, nasty, and detestable and they made me feel dirty, so I tried to skip over those parts. But I was so stuck in my addiction to crossdressing fiction that I read the stories anyway. But like with everything else in life, what we do with our time, what we fill our minds with, has an affect on us. The deeper I got into my addiction to crossdressing fiction over the last 10 years, the deeper I went into my depravity. Originally stories that I would have immediately stopped reading and closed that internet window, started to become stories I would tolerate. Stories that I would tolerate, I eventually even became sexually turned on to. I hate to admit that but it is true.
I think this illustrates that our sexuality is relatively fluid. That’s probably not a common idea, but I believe it to be true. I find it highly unlikely that I could begin being utterly turned off and detesting things like homosexuality or domination or incest in stories and then eventually being turned on by those same elements in certain stories. (For example, a boy dressed as a girl kissing another boy). You might say that I just have been ignoring these latent sexual tendencies within myself and repressing them. I don’t think that is the case, but I wouldn’t be ashamed to admit if it was. We are all born sinful and messed up completely. We are “totally depraved” to use the theological term. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that in every one of us, because of our sinful nature, we have the capacity to go towards any type of evil or distortion, especially sexual distortion. But again, I don’t think that is the particular case for my behavior. I think rather that our sexuality is relatively fluid. The more I exposed myself to such stories the more I tolerated certain things I thought were gross, and the more I tolerated them the more they started to turn me on slightly. My body and mind were learning new sexual desire and responses. I never was turned on by those other elements to the point where I would seek out stories with those in them. Thinking about them right now, I have 0% desire or attraction for those things. But there were individual times reading when those elements turned me on slightly.
I think this also illustrates well the slippery slope of sin. You give into a little bit of sin and rationalize it, and you start rationalizing even more and giving into more sin and other types of sin. This may not be true in everybody’s experience. But I think about loving my wife and having sex with her which is good and not sinful. Those actions have always only led to good things, loving her more, appreciating her more, being more attracted to her, etc. But crossdressing has been different. Crossdressing has only led into other more detestable things, like the extra depraved elements in those stories, things worse than crossdressing itself. Crossdressing might not be the most serious sin in the world to God, but if we allow a little sin in, it starts to affect our lives. We eventually can even warp our consciences, so that things that used to make us feel guilty (things that should make us feel guilty!) stop making us feel guilty. The more we allow sin to have free reign into our lives the easier it is to fool ourselves and ignore the Holy Spirit.
One has to wonder why all those disturbing elements are in crossdressing fiction. Perhaps what I’m saying is true for others. We start to rebel a bit and then it becomes exciting to rebel and we get into all sorts of depravity. Obviously many crossdressers aren’t like this, but there are those out there that once they’ve accepted crossdressing as such a big part of their lives, they think – why not embrace sadism, or sex with multiple partners, or having sex with a man while crossdressed?
At times I got so fed up with the extra depravity that crossdressing fiction brought into my life, that I flip-flopped and felt more guilty about reading that filth than actually crossdressing. I flip-flopped back and forth so many times. And sometimes I would be strong enough to resist going to my favorite crossdressing fiction sites knowing that they were unhealthy, and then I’d do hours of fruitless google searching trying to find more harmless stories that were about people being forced to crossdress because of unlikely situations. This helped to falsely assuage my guilt. It felt like if the main character was only crossdressing because he lost his luggage, then he wasn’t doing anything wrong. And if he wasn’t doing anything wrong, then I wasn’t either by reading about it. But of course I was still reading such stories for sexual pleasure. What stupid lies we tell ourselves to rationalize our behavior. I was still harming myself through them. I was fooling myself.
Another effect that I received from reading so much crossdressing and TG fiction was that I started to become more and more confused about my true sex. There were so many times where I just craved being a real woman after reading those stories. Reading the stories was sexual, yes. But there were many times where I craved being a woman and living as a woman because of those stories. I didn’t care about the sexual pleasure. I just wanted to be a woman. Or sometimes I felt like I actually was a woman (or more like a woman) in my mind and soul and personality. Again, I think this shows the confusing and negative affect of these stories. We live in a fantasy when crossdressing, but in some ways I was going even deeper into confused fantasy by reading the fictional stories.
Crossdressing fiction has been a bane on my life and I’m so glad to be rid of it. In the past I wished I could press a “delete” button and get those stories out of my memory. But in fact, they are drifting from my memory on their own relatively quickly. Now I want my mind and body to be influenced and worked on by truth. By wonderful books of truth and by God’s Word, not by messed up crossdressing fiction which mingles tiny bits of truth with filthy corrupted distorted lies. Let me end with a word of hope. If our sexuality is relatively fluid, we have great reason for hope. There is freedom and healing around the corner! Sometimes it takes a long time, but our desires can be changed. The things that turn us on can be changed. Whether we have homosexual desires or crossdressing desires, God can help us change our desires and our sexuality to be in line with what he desires for us so that we can have an abundant full joyful life in him!