New Link – Hurt wife of crossdresser

Here is some more food for thought.  It is a link from another wife writing about the harmful effects of her husband’s crossdressing on their life together.    What she says at the bottom is most interesting and painful.   Read it – here.   It seems that even if one can argue that crossdressing could potentially not be harmful, one should at least admit that it “often” is harmful and can be dangerously addicting.   There are just too many stories like this out there.


9 comments on “New Link – Hurt wife of crossdresser

  1. Imitations says:

    Hi Thorin,
    I believe it is all too easy to say crossdressing is “the” problem when we read such accounts of broken marriages, or put them forward as examples to fit our own feelings on the subject.

    Personally, I would suggest there is much more to this account then meets the eye given the tone of her bitter words. It would appear that both people in this relationship suffered from serious delusions of what was real and what was not as is so often the case with crossdressing. He, living in a degree of imaginative denial of his sex and she, holding on to an illusion that all people should conform to a one-size fits all model of human psychological conformity.

    There is no doubt crossdressing can act as a wedge within a marriage, but it is not insurmountable if a couple wishes to find balance in their lives and acknowledge no two people are alike. It takes time and an honest effort to know someone as deeply as we no ourselves. However knee-jerk reactions of a – “you conform to my way of thinking or else” – between the crossdresser and his partner do not help the situation.

    Love and marriage are not a blind commitment, nor should they be seen as a self -serving method to incarcerate someone else in a system of social conformity held by one partner and not the other. Marriage is an equal partnership and not a net thrown over two people to entrap them. If motivated by true love; mutual respect and a desire to actually understand those we choose to embrace in our lives, it will always require a degree of acquiescence to our partner’s individual and psychological needs within the concept of the “spiritual” union. This goes for both the dresser and the observer. Unfortunately, a “written in stone” or “because the bible tells me so” mind sets will more often than not, present more problems than it will solve and no doubt will negate any real chance for a marriage to continue, if both partners dig in their heels.

    I do not dismiss the fact there will be shock or even pain when the crossdressers activity is exposed, for we all reel when discovering something about our partners we did not expect. However having been through all this myself I can honestly say, (as can my wife) issues such as this can also present an opportunity for both partners to rediscover their love and understanding of each other as being different from the oft times immature love represented in the being of their life together.

    When people act as adults in adult situations, intelligent discussion far outweighs a one handed dismissal of one’s actions as an insurmountable problem. More often than not, if the will is there, if the love is “truly” there, it will awaken in many a clearer appreciation of the partner they may have taken for granted. I honestly believe many partners resolve these issues within the autonomous and private confines of their marriages but as is so often the case, the failures get far more press the successes.

    This is not to say marriages do not fall apart for lack of common ground on which to maintain a loving relationship. Sometimes no understanding can be found. But crossdressing (unless it becomes an all consuming obsession that leaves one’s partner forgotten and thus damages the marriage) is all too often used as a scapegoat for much deeper inter-personal relationship issues that go unnoticed. So I reiterate; without true and heartfelt efforts on the part of both parties to appreciate each other’s make-up, marriages are bound to fail, crossdressing or not.

    In any case your writer, if you noted, did NOT leave her husband for his crossdressing at all, for as she has indicated… “Ultimately, it was not the cross-dressing itself that lead to my escape, but the narcissist behaviour that is often associated with a habitual cross-dresser.” Note the word escape. Much more here than meets the eye I feel.


  2. Robyn says:

    From my own experience, crossdressing was not just a wedge in my marriage but it was also a lightning rod for other issues and sometimes a battering ram… Sigh… Some of the huge baggage that comes with crossdressing is its self-centered nature. Somehow, the crossdressing must be accommodated successfully in the relationship. This is very difficult to do even when both partners WANT to do this. It is not impossible, though. However, it is tragic when you hear a husband say to his wife, “It’s my way or the highway!” or something similar…


  3. thorin25 says:

    Good reflections Imitations, thank you. Lots of good for thought there for all of us. Robyn, thank you too.

    Certainly in my marriage, my crossdressing history has in some ways actually furthered the intimacy and strength of my marriage. Because my wife did not shut down when I told her about it, but listened well, and tried to understand, we grew closer through it. I mean we grew closer through talking about it, not through crossdressing together. Knowing what I had done or was still doing gave my wife much pain and hurt. But we also grew together by understanding each other’s weaknesses, forgiving each other for such betrayal, and encouraging in our growth to give such things as crossdressing up.

    However I think that the very nature of crossdressing lends itself to very easily become an all consuming passion that damages the relationship in that the crossdresser feels its easier to live with his wife being hurt, disturbed, and unhappy than for him to live without crossdressing.


  4. ikthys says:

    Thanks for posting. Whatever you do, keep on, keep on, keep on being a beacon of light exposing the all-too-often ignored and/or glossed-over problems of crossdressing. Sure, couples can figure out how to stay married and accomodate all kinds of things. Sure, there is more to tell about this woman and her relationship with her husband. Sure, most crossdressers that I’ve talked to have more going on than simple sexual addiction. But, the raw fact is that the typical case of crossdressing fetishism (which, in my opinion, does account for the vast majority of situations in question) involves a huge deceit on the part of the man, as well as a dramatic offense to what most woman understand to be normal and basic underpinnings of reality, and all this in the sexual arena- one of the most sensitive, vulnerable, and personal areas one can ever be wounded in. No doubt, crossdressing itself (or perhaps rather a man’s insistence on pursuing it) is alone responsible for a whole world of hurt. This truth must be reckoned with.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Ikthys! It means a lot to get this kind of encouragement. It’s a very needed reminder that I’m not alone in this line of thinking.


  6. Vivienne says:

    A very interesting blog post by this articulate woman who shows a lot of insight. I am disappointed that comments were disabled on her blog, but I can still post here anyway, which is maybe more pertinent.

    I kept my crossdressing secret from my wife before we got married. I naively assumed that being married would “cure” me. For the first few years of marriage, I didn’t have the desire to cross-dress, but I guess everyone’s honeymoon ends sometime, and eventually it came back. My wife was furious, and that fury continues unabated, despite years of counselling and a great deal of hurt on both sides.

    But to bring it back to the original author, she reports that her husband was spending a large amount of money on crossdressing, when his family was in need of that money. Whichever way you cut it, that’s just not OK. Whether his habit is fishing, or golf, or pimping his car, his family has to come first. I’ll buy that new rod/ club/ set of alloys next month– or maybe the one after that. The fact that this guy had a problem with crossdressing doesn’t make him any less of a selfish bastard.

    One of the (many) things I struggle with in my crossdressing is that my wardrobe and stock of accessories is quite small. But whenever I get the urge to buy something, the desire to make sure my family is OK wins, and it doesn’t happen.


  7. thorin25 says:

    Vivienne, that’s a good point. There were some extremes taking place in that man’s life which the average crossdresser may not be to such a destructive point. I don’t want to make it look like I’m saying every crossdresser automatically ends up acting like that. But I do think crossdressing is of a nature that it easily can contribute to those problematic tendencies.

    On the marriage issue, I also thought how you did, well I was at least hoping that marriage would take away my crossdressing desires, even if I didn’t think there was much chance. My honeymoon period as you talk of lasted only a couple months before I crossdressed again. Let me tell you I felt pretty bad about that!


  8. M says:

    Link is currently broken…


  9. thorin25 says:

    Thanks, it’s an old post anyway. thanks for letting me know though


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