I’ve been going strong in resisting crossdressing and feeling better about myself, my marriage, and life all the time. In this progress report, I’d like to talk about a very unexpected but wonderful change that has taken place in my life and marriage as a direct result of giving up crossdressing.
It’s been so long since I last indulged my crossdressing desires and it seems the longer I do the less power those desires have. Sometimes I think about the specific clothing or fantasies I used to desire, and they just seem dumb. They’ve lost their power. I’m sure if I forced myself to read some crossdressing fiction online that I would get turned on eventually, or if I forced myself to put on female clothing, I’d probably get turned on eventually. But for the most part these days I just don’t desire that stuff anymore.
I hoped that my crossdressing desires would lessen and am not really that surprised that they did, though honestly I’m surprised by how much they’ve lessened and I thank God for that. What has really surprised me is that my view of feminine clothing and accoutrements has changed. My crossdressing past has made me into a person who not only gets turned on by crossdressing but a person who basically has a fetish for feminine objects. Let me explain, because I think this is the case for most crossdressers. When I see a woman, I don’t see her as a whole person, clothing and all. I isolate out all the little parts, the shoes she is wearing, the blouse, the earrings, the lipstick on her mouth, the nail polish on her finger nails and so on. And it was focusing on those individual aspects or accoutrements that attracted me and turned me on. Of course I was attracted to the full female form or face as well, but the specific objects turned me on. The specific articles of clothing turned me on so much, that it was possible for me to pull up a website of a clothing store, and masturbate just by looking at a pair of high heels or a dress without them even being embodied by a person.
Naturally then, in my marriage, my attractions to my wife have been much the same way. Yes I am attracted to her as a whole person, but I’ve always been most sexually turned on when she is willing to do certain things like wear sexy lingerie, or a nice dress. And especially am turned on by her wearing lipstick or painting her toenails or wearing high heels. So much so that it was hard not to isolate those aspects of her out during sexual activity with her, or to not isolate them out when just hanging out together. The desire for her painted toenails was so strong that I had to stop myself from focusing 100% on her toenails and ignoring the rest of her. My attachment was strong enough that my wife clearly noticed and I think she was disturbed at my attachment to her painted toenails. I just fixated on certain things like that.
And part of that fixation on certain feminine articles of clothing or cosmetics or jewelry, led me to always be trying to pressure my wife to wear certain things. And she is not a big one for makeup or high heels so my constant pressuring was annoying. She does a great job of making herself look attractive, but she doesn’t want to go overboard or be uncomfortable. But she has gone out of her way to do some of these things for me because she knows that I’m trying to be attracted to her instead of giving in to crossdressing.
So here is the big surprise change. Since I stopped crossdressing last year, my desire and fixation on the objects of clothing or cosmetics has dramatically lessened. I’m not excited anymore just by the clothing or the accoutrements. I can stare down my wife’s high heels while she is not wearing them and it does nothing for me at all. And while she is wearing them I can enjoy the look of her wearing them, find it attractive, without being sexually fixated on the shoes alone. I can enjoy my wife’s painted toenails, finding it attractive on her, but no longer do I isolate that out from her as a separate thing. No longer do I desire to just stare at her toenails for the whole time of sexual activity.
This huge change I have told my wife about, and I told her I no longer feel such a need for her to do certain things in order to be attractive to me. I find her very much attractive even when she doesn’t do those things and she doesn’t need to feel so pressured as she did before. Our sex life has changed as well. Even though I am dramatically less sexually turned on by such objects of clothing, makeup, etc, I am finding myself more turned on by her, and have had some of the most pleasurable times of sex with her that I’ve had in our marriage.
In trying to understand all of this, I’m wondering if maybe the connection is that crossdressing is all about a fixation on clothing/objects rather than a real woman, and so forcing myself to stop crossdressing also made me fixate less on objects in general, and instead helped me to go back to looking at real women, in my case my wife.
On a totally different note, my wife was away for a few days and I had no trouble at all staying pure. At one point I went into the sex frenzy, that time when you are alone and you are used to using that time for sexual release through masturbation or crossdressing (or maybe pornography for others). That time where my body shakes and gets ready to go into old habits. But even when I went into that time and my mind went to crossdressing like it had in the past, crossdressing didn’t sound good. It wasn’t that I said to myself, “no, I can’t give in.” The first thoughts in my head were just that I had absolutely no desire for crossdressing or crossdressing fiction, it didn’t sound emotionally or sexually desirable in the least. I didn’t even have to get to the stage of having to resist temptation.
My brothers out there who are thinking about giving up crossdressing, or who are already in the process, let me tell you, there is great hope for change! Our desires can lessen. Our desires can gradually change over time. Don’t give up! If these unexpected and satisfying changes can happen in my life, then they can happen in yours too!