I revisited a friend’s (ShardsofNarsil) post which you can read called – “Contrasting Aspects of the Paths.” It is an excellently written post, and so thoughtful and helpful. It is a really honest examination of the different paths to sexual fulfillment whether through making love to our wife, or giving in to crossdressing. He examines the different steps in the path, and for some aspects crossdressing comes out ahead, or at least easier, and for other aspects, sexual times with our spouse clearly come out ahead. We have to be honest, crossdressing is easy, and at times it can have less challenges and potentially less disappointments. But there are huge drawbacks as well.
The paragraph about anticipation really hit home to me. It seems so much easier and more pleasurable sometimes to anticipate crossdressing. I can engage in imaginative crossdressing foreplay through crossdressing fiction for as long as I want, even hours (though I might regret that time later). Whereas with making love to my wife, it is not often that she is available to spend so much time just, let’s say, cuddling. Sex in marriage takes 2 people setting aside time, as well as the complication of that time needing to be the same exact time set aside. It can happen, even once a week, but it’s harder. Crossdressing fantasies can take place whenever the one person sets aside the time for it. Coupled with this time issue, sometimes the anticipation for sex with my wife is a negative anticipation as I’m afraid she won’t enjoy it, or I’ll think about how she isn’t looking forward to it. This is not the case in every marriage, but it is something we still struggle with.
I also agree with his paragraphs about intensity. The intensity of the sexual pleasure has always been better with my wife than with crossdressing. Part of it is surely that I can give myself over more completely to the sexual pleasure with my wife because it feels so good and pure and wonderful, whereas crossdressing pleasure always feels dirty and I have to lie to myself in various ways to get myself willing to do it and I have to bury certain feelings in my conscience telling me I should stop. The uncontrolability of the sexual pleasure in marriage is also a nice element to make it more exciting. Also, I think God intended sexual pleasure to take place with your husband or wife, rather than as a lone ranger activity, and so there is an innate sense of sex with your spouse being more pleasurable. You are intimately connecting with another living breathing spiritual human being. I also agree with Shards that as you continue down the path of crossdressing, it seems like you need to go further and further every time to get the same pleasure. There is a desensitization that takes place. I know that that can happen in marriage too, and the sexual passion can dwindle, but it seems like it happens to a much less extent. People remain content with sex in marriage, but crossdressers go further and further until they are walking out in town fully dressed and taking huge risks.
And I of course agree with Shards in what he says about the guilt feelings after crossdressing versus the pleasant afterglow of sex with my wife. I’ve written about that here – “Afterglow of crossdressing versus sex. And it’s not just the immediate afterglow, but also the renewed sense of intimacy and connection with my wife. The good feelings last from it for weeks, whereas the bad feelings from crossdressing also last for months and even years later.
Connected with this idea, Shard’s noted this key difference – “It also allows me to feel that I am projecting these feelings outward instead of inwards, another induplicable and validating difference.” A big part of sex with our spouse is giving and serving, trying to please the other person. And even our own sexual energy is being directed outward to another person. With crossdressing it is about serving ourselves, and our sexual energy is not directed outward to another person, but rather inward. Some people might think this is an outdated notion of sexuality, that of course it is okay to sexually please ourselves, even while having sex. But what I have found is that I am most sexually turned on and get the highest amounts of sexual pleasure, when I am doing things for my wife in bed that make her feel good.
In the comments of this post there is some mention of fear of rejection being a possible fuel for our desire to crossdress. That would definitely fit me. I had huge fear of rejection and that only continued in college as I kept being rejected by girls I liked. At times, I never thought I’d be able to get married. Maybe this is a common theme for us as crossdressers. Maybe it is even part of the reason we started to crossdress in the first place.
Shards also lists some helpful suggestions for resisting the path to crossdressing and making ways to more easily pursue intimacy with his wife. Some of you might find them real helpful for your situation in giving up crossdressing or trying to improve your sexual relationship with your wife.
At the end Shards talks about the beauty of someone loving us for who we are, even with the mistakes we’ve made, and how much better that is than us having sexual pleasure alone being in full control of everything. I fully agree. But let me say real briefly here that I do think there is a place for masturbation. As a child or teenager it can be done without pornography or impure thoughts (even though is usually isn’t). And at times in marriage it can be done while thinking of your spouse, and under certain circumstances it’s particularly helpful. But in general, I think God intended for sexual pleasure to be between husband and wife, and not just a lone activity. At times, it may be okay or helpful to do it “alone,” but the ideal is always to do it “together.” I’ll write a full post about masturbation sometime soon.