About 6 months ago, I wrote this post on – Playing a Female Character in Video Games. At the time I said that even though I was no longer crossdressing, I was still often playing as female characters in some of my video games. (Please read the post if you want to know what I was and was not doing more specifically). At the time I wasn’t sure if that was a really bad idea, or if it was okay. I wondered if perhaps it would subconsciously feed my crossdressing desires.
I had said playing a female character is more fun, because I get to look at female beauty rather than staring at a male character’s butt the whole time. And it also felt like a somewhat healthy escape to role play as a woman in the game, so that I wouldn’t desire to do anything like that in real life with crossdressing or crossdressing fiction. This would be very similar to reading a novel in which the main character is a woman. At the time of writing that post, I concluded that playing as a female character was not wrong in general. I also concluded that it was not wrong or dangerous for me as long as it didn’t become an addiction or spur me to on to crossdressing.
Looking back now, 6 months later, I may have changed my mind about this somewhat. In general, I still think there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing as a female character in a video game if you don’t have bad reasons for doing so. But I think picking a female character just to oggle at her beauty and lust after her is wrong. It may not be objectifying a real woman as in pornography, but it amounts to the same thing. It’s lusting after a video game female rather than my wife. It’s hard to see how that is okay. It also feeds into the same mentality as crossdressing. As a man crossdresses, he is pretending to be the woman and at the same time he is lusting after the woman who is actually not there, but really himself. In the game it is the same. I was lusting after the woman character, who was really the character I was also controlling and pretending to be. It feeds into the same mentality of being focused on self as an object of sexual desire.
Like I said, I don’t think playing a female character is wrong in general, but perhaps it was for me since I was doing so out of lust, and because it could too easily feed my obsession with femininity and my desire to crossdress or my desire to be a woman. The interesting thing is what has changed since this post. I am no longer playing any video games as a female character. It’s not that I suddenly changed what I was doing in order to not be doing wrong. It’s more that I just stopped doing it because I stopped wanting to do it. I’m coming to think this is a result of the healing taking place in my mind and soul after ridding crossdressing from my life. I’m feeling more healthy as a man, and feeling much more comfortable and secure in that identity. I’m being myself as a man and letting myself be a man that is different from the normal hyper masculine stereotype. I’m enjoying my wife and her beauty and relationship with her. My whole sexuality is becoming much more pure and healthy. I don’t want to crossdress AND I don’t want to lust after other women which includes virtual women. I like myself as a man and now enjoy playing as a male character. I can’t say I’d never enjoy playing as a female character again, and I may do so in the future. But for now, that desire had greatly diminished, unexpectedly, and I feel good about that.
There is yet another reason I’ve stopped desiring to play female characters. I play a lot of RPG’s and in many of these advanced games there is a lot of dialogue and characters fall in love with each other. I used to like playing a female character and seeing her kiss another woman in the game. But as time goes on, this type of thing has become less pleasurable and more and more disgusting to me. It’s ironic how I can think homosexual behavior is sinful and have it still turn me on. But that is the sinful nature we live with. It is the same with crossdressing, lusting after women, etc. The only alternative was playing a female character and having her fall in love with a male but that seemed utterly unappealing as I do not have homosexual desires, and it would not be fun to role play falling in love with a man. So I would always fall in love with other women characters and now that lesbianism just makes me feel dirty. (You can also see how that would feed crossdressing, imagining making love to your wife while looking like a woman). At this point, I want to see heterosexual characters fall in love, a man and woman, and I want to be the man in that relationship so I can relate to the story. So no more female characters for me right now. (And maybe it would be better just to stop putting so much time into these games that are an escape from reality themselves).
For those of you who are wrestling with whether you should be playing a female character in video games while you are trying to give up crossdressing, I’m not sure what to tell you. Playing a female in video games might have been a helpful step as something to do instead of crossdressing during my healing process, or it may have made my healing process take longer. I’m not sure. Let me know if you have any questions.