Progress Report – Woman in Video Games

About 6 months ago, I wrote this post on – Playing a Female Character in Video Games.   At the time I said that even though I was no longer crossdressing, I was still often playing as female characters in some of my video games.  (Please read the post if you want to know what I was and was not doing more specifically).  At the time I wasn’t sure if that was a really bad idea, or if it was okay.  I wondered if perhaps it would subconsciously feed my crossdressing desires.

I had said playing a female character is more fun, because I get to look at female beauty rather than staring at a male character’s butt the whole time.  And it also felt like a somewhat healthy escape to role play as a woman in the game, so that I wouldn’t desire to do anything like that in real life with crossdressing or crossdressing fiction.  This would be very similar to reading a novel in which the main character is a woman.  At the time of writing that post, I concluded that playing as a female character was not wrong in general.  I also concluded that it was not wrong or dangerous for me as long as it didn’t become an addiction or spur me to on to crossdressing.

 

Looking back now, 6 months later, I may have changed my mind about this somewhat.  In general, I still think there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing as a female character in a video game if you don’t have bad reasons for doing so.  But I think picking a female character just to oggle at her beauty and lust after her is wrong.  It may not be objectifying a real woman as in pornography, but it amounts to the same thing.  It’s lusting after a video game female rather than my wife.  It’s hard to see how that is okay.  It also feeds into the same mentality as crossdressing.  As a man crossdresses, he is pretending to be the woman and at the same time he is lusting after the woman who is actually not there, but really himself.  In the game it is the same.  I was lusting after the woman character, who was really the character I was also controlling and pretending to be.  It feeds into the same mentality of being focused on self as an object of sexual desire.

Like I said, I don’t think playing a female character is wrong in general, but perhaps it was for me since I was doing so out of lust, and because it could too easily feed my obsession with femininity and my desire to crossdress or my desire to be a woman.  The interesting thing is what has changed since this post.  I am no longer playing any video games as a female character.  It’s not that I suddenly changed what I was doing in order to not be doing wrong.  It’s more that I just stopped doing it because I stopped wanting to do it.  I’m coming to think this is a result of the healing taking place in my mind and soul after ridding crossdressing from my life.   I’m feeling more healthy as a man, and feeling much more comfortable and secure in that identity.  I’m being myself as a man and letting myself be a man that is different from the normal hyper masculine stereotype.   I’m enjoying my wife and her beauty and relationship with her.  My whole sexuality is becoming much more pure and healthy.  I don’t want to crossdress AND I don’t want to lust after other women which includes virtual women.  I like myself as a man and now enjoy playing as a male character.  I can’t say I’d never enjoy playing as a female character again, and I may do so in the future.  But for now, that desire had greatly diminished, unexpectedly, and I feel good about that.

 

There is yet another reason I’ve stopped desiring to play female characters.  I play a lot of RPG’s and in many of these advanced games there is a lot of dialogue and characters fall in love with each other.  I used to like playing a female character and seeing her kiss another woman in the game.  But as time goes on, this type of thing has become less pleasurable and more and more disgusting to me.  It’s ironic how I can think homosexual behavior is sinful and have it still turn me on.  But that is the sinful nature we live with.  It is the same with crossdressing, lusting after women, etc.  The only alternative was playing a female character and having her fall in love with a male but that seemed utterly unappealing as I do not have homosexual desires, and it would not be fun to role play falling in love with a man.  So I would always fall in love with other women characters and now that lesbianism just makes me feel dirty.  (You can also see how that would feed crossdressing, imagining making love to your wife while looking like a woman).  At this point, I want to see heterosexual characters fall in love, a man and woman, and I want to be the man in that relationship so I can relate to the story.  So no more female characters for me right now.  (And maybe it would be better just to stop putting so much time into these games that are an escape from reality themselves).

For those of you who are wrestling with whether you should be playing a female character in video games while you are trying to give up crossdressing, I’m not sure what to tell you.  Playing a female in video games might have been a helpful step as something to do instead of crossdressing during my healing process, or it may have made my healing process take longer.  I’m not sure.  Let me know if you have any questions.

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3 comments on “Progress Report – Woman in Video Games

  1. Vivienne says:

    Hi Thorin,

    Well, where to start with commenting on this post? So many triggers. Once again, I commend you for your forthrightness and honesty about both your feelings and your behaviour.

    First, I’ve been playing video games since their very earliest days. I guess it didn’t matter if you played as a male or female character, since the games were unsophisticated and the graphics crude. Pacman or Ms. Pacman? Makes no difference.

    Many years ago I found myself playing Carrier Command, a game where the player controls a futuristic robotic aircraft carrier armed with automated tanks and planes. I found myself dwelling on the fact that, were I actually in the game, I could be crossdressed all I wanted at the helm of my carrier, since there were no other humans in the game to see me!

    I have deliberately and expressly never played a multiplayer RPG since I know how addictive “ordinary” video games can be, and I worry that the added dimension of interacting with characters controlled by other humans would be too much to resist. It’s not clear if that’s what you are talking about, but why else would other characters “fall in love” with yours? (It has no doubt crossed your mind that the human controlling that foxy elfin maiden your female character is kissing, is quite possibly another man).

    I have, however, played single-player games where the character can be male or female, and sophisticated enough that the characters can appear lifelike and attractive. But I find, after a while, that playing as a female just doesn’t “do it” for me. The part of me that enjoys crossdressing isn’t the same part of me that enjoys video gaming. Whether it’s running, driving, shooting, fighting or solving puzzles, the female part of me just isn’t awake.

    To control a female character, sophisticated enough to form anything but the most superficial relationships with other characters, is (for me) taking the fantasy aspect just a little too far, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    HI Vivienne, thanks for the comment. Just to clarify, I have not ever played multiplayer games pretending to be female. I was just referring to single player RPGs where the main character can fall in love with other computer characters.

    I totally agree about older games having it not matter as much. It makes me wonder about future games. What happens when games start being more like virtual reality so we can more feel what is happening in the game? Too complicated to think about right now.

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  3. Ralph says:

    Vivienne, if you want to really set RPGs on end try something like Second Life where you have complete control over appearance and wardrobe, and go about as I do with an obviously male character wearing frilly dresses. If nothing else it keeps me away from the temptation of online lust because *nobody* will have anything to do with me. Women and gay men want their men more masculine, straight men want their women all girl.

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