Imagine my wife crossdressed

I’d like to share one tiny piece of advice about something I’ve done that has helped me in my healing from crossdressing.  This is something that can help us realize how wrong and strange crossdressing is, and also help us in our attempt to give up crossdressing.  What I do is I imagine my wife being crossdressed, that is, dressed to try and look like a man.  When I imagine this I am quickly disturbed and disgusted.  It seems so very wrong and so very unattractive.  This does 3 things.

1.  It helps me to understand what she feels when she thinks about me crossdressed.  How can I expect her to accept my crossdressing when it is so unnatural and disturbing?  Sure, it might feel good to me, but imagining her crossdressed lets me jump into her mental shoes and see things from her point of view.

2.  It cuts through my rationalizations that crossdressing is normal or healthy or natural or good.  When I imagine her crossdressed, I come to realize that even I, as a crossdresser, deep down still think crossdressing is unnatural, wrong, and messed up.

3.  This imagining can be used as a quick way to diffuse a crossdressing temptation.  “I really would love to put on that slinky red dress.”  But then quick think about my wife crossdressed and all of sudden crossdressing seems gross and not desirable.


This imagining might mean thinking about her secretly putting on my clothes without my knowledge (and that would make me feel betrayed and upset).  This would help me realize the way I betrayed her trust by what I used to do with her clothes.   Related to this the imagining might be her taking my underwear out of the laundry and masturbating with it (something I’ve done plenty of times).  The imagining might include her trying to look like a man, or putting on fake facial hair, or going shopping for mens clothes, all of which just seems really weird and disturbing.  The imagining might include one of my most powerful fantasies, that of me being crossdressed while being with her and her accepting my crossdressed self, but then if I add in her being crossdressed too, all of a sudden it seems very unpleasant because I wouldn’t be attracted to her at all.

The most powerful form of this imagining involves her using a fake penis, (which would be comparable to me pretending to have breasts perhaps), and this just utterly disgusts me to the point that I can barely let myself think about it.  Or imagine your wife trying to cover up her breasts, or binding them.  Those breasts which you love to caress and look at.  Imagine her crushing them to her chest trying to make it look like she doesn’t have breasts.  If that thought bothers you, than imagine how your wife would think of you tucking your penis, smashing it up in places where it doesn’t natural go.

I realize that this imagining might not work for everybody.  Perhaps some would be turned on by the thought of their wives crossdressed.  Perhaps some would really desire to have their wives crossdressed as men while they are crossdressed as women.  But I would guess that for most of us, (those of us trying to give up crossdressing), this would be a helpful way to cut through rationalizations and diffuse temptations.   We get so deluded after a while and our crossdressing seems so harmless or normal.  We might even think we are beautiful and wonder why people think we look so strange.  But if we look at things from their point of view, like imagining our wife crossdressed, we can see how not normal, how unnatural, and ugly it really is.

What really gets me is this.  If I, back when I was a crossdresser, could imagine my spouse crossdressed and be disgusted.  How much more would a normal person who is not a crossdresser be disgusted by the thought of someone crossdressing in these ways?!



12 comments on “Imagine my wife crossdressed

  1. Vivienne says:

    Hi Thorin,

    Some powerful points here, and again some very great honesty from you.

    My wife crossdresses all the time. That’s to say that she often wears my shirts or my T-shirts (and occasionally other garments). She wears them, of course, in a feminine way (knotting the shirts instead of buttoning them, as an example). But she is technically wearing male garments. I have often wondered: why it is OK for her to just wear my stuff, when it isn’t OK (on so many levels) for me to just wear hers?

    Of course, that isn’t the point you are making, and you are right that I find your image of a woman in a false beard, a lumberjack shirt and work boots, with a great big sausage packed into her lunchbox (pardon this tenuous metaphor) extremely disturbing.

    It used to be considered among psychologists that there were no female equivalents of male crossdressers, i.e. women who attempt to dress and pass as men for sexual or other reasons. In fact, those women exist, although there are probably a hundred or a thousand like me for each one of them. I am not sure why this is so, but my best guess is that it has something to do with the gender roles we occupy: men get some need met by crossdressing which they can’t meet in their “normal” lives, while women can meet their respective need in other ways, or (just perhaps) feel it less keenly than men. For example, it’s OK now for a woman to power dress, in a suit and a briefcase, without sacrificing her femininity.

    I don’t think crossdressing is normal. I don’t think it’s natural. I think it’s weird and shameful and occasionally grotesque. I don’t need to envisage my wife dressed up like a man to recognise that!


  2. thorin25 says:

    Hi Vivienne thanks for this comment too. Interesting. I think I was referring more to trying to look like a man, rather than a random t-shirt or something. But the case you bring up is interesting. I think I would probably have no problem with a guy lets say borrowing his wife’s sweatshirt, or something else that was needed on a specific occassion, or a woman wearing a guy’s jacket, etc. The thing is, in these cases the person is wearing the clothing just because it’s necessary and they aren’t doing it for a sexual thrill or in trying to look like the opposite sex. I guess I’d have no problem with cases like this. The problem is for the crossdresser who assents that these things are logically okay, therefore it’s okay for me to wear 1 piece of my wife’s clothing all the time (but that really doesn’t work). He’s wearing it for other reasons that don’t make so much sense.

    Also a dangerous line of thinking for me, because of most of my fantasies start with me having to wear an article of female clothing out of necessity, being forced into the situation by predicament, then the female character in the fantasy or story finds is cute, and slowly more feminine clothing is added. So while technically okay for a man to wear his wife’s jacket or something else out of necessity, I won’t be doing that, cause it would be playing with fire for me.


  3. Eric says:

    I think a distinction is that woman can more easily make an item feminine than a man can make an item masculine. Even if my wife just wore my sweatshirt and did nothing to it, our large size difference would turn the sweatshirt into a dress on her. It’s a frequent scene in movies where the woman is wearing the man’s long sleeve shirt as a nightgown after a romantic night. It’s hard to imagine the reverse as a normal behavior.

    What works better for me is seeing cross dressers and realizing how bad they look even with all the effort they put in. That might cause some problems for others.


  4. thorin25 says:

    Eric agreed, that works for me too. Without trying to offend those crossdressers that may be reading this, I’ll say most crossdressers aren’t that convincing and looking at the pictures (of those that are not convincing) is a good deterrent. There were times when I used to look at pictures of crossdressers and it turned me on to find those that were good looking. But sometimes in the process of looking I’d see all the ugly pictures, get grossed out, and stopped what I was doing.


  5. Ralph says:

    And here’s Ralph to argue for the other team, right on cue 🙂 Thorin, what you say is spot-on: The idea of my wife looking like a man disturbs me, and I would be very uncomfortable around her like that — certainly not in the least bit interested in anything romantic.

    BUT — I find women who wear “traditional” men’s clothing — business suit, tuxedo, etc. — extremely attractive provided they retain their female appearance. Curves in all the right places make otherwise dull clothing quite nice. Of course it makes sense that I would appreciate that since I do exactly the same — crossdress from the neck down, as it were.

    When I get into discussions with crossdressers who desperately want to be accepted as truly female and they show a picture… I’m often at a loss to find a way to politely explain why they only pass in their own minds. Everyone else is being ever-so-encouraging, but ever the contrarian I don’t want them to go out with a false sense of security (“Nobody will ever know… what could possibly go wrong?”) so I do my best to make sure they have a realistic self-image.

    As it turns out, this is rarely welcome advice.


  6. thorin25 says:

    Hi Ralph, nice to have you drop by 🙂
    I’d say you are not alone on the women wearing men’s clothing being attractive. There certainly seems to be a common male fantasy of women wearing men’s jerseys, or dress shirts, or more, and finding them incredibly sexy. I don’t think I find it attractive, but I’d have to have my wife actually do it to know for sure, but I’m probably in the minority. My guess is more people are like you. But the key is you said they retain their female appearance. Most crossdressers, with the exception of the crossdressers like you, are not trying to retain their male appearance.

    Like we’ve said above, it doesn’t seem to work the other way around, normally at least. How does your wife feel? If you retain your male appearance with 1 article of female clothing, does she find it attractive or sexy? Or does she just find it strange but tolerate it?

    I wonder if it is a symptom of patriarchy and sexism that it doesn’t work both ways. Women dressing as men, but remaining women, shows that they are bettering themselves on a subconscious level. Masculine is good, so its okay for them to flirt with it. But since women are lesser than men (in a sexist culture), a man dressing as a woman, even in the slightest, is demeaning and shameful, and not attractive at all. A woman dressing like a man slightly shows strength and passion and confidence. A man dressing like a woman seems to show a picture of belittling himself, becoming more gentle, emasculated, etc. Obviously I don’t think this is good to have this difference of feeling, just wondering if this is what is really going on in our sexist culture, which we were raised in, and affects us subconsciously even if we don’t want it too.


  7. Ralph says:

    And there you’ve once again caught me with my answers down, brother. Of course she merely finds it weird but tolerates it — as she has said, she sees it as the same way she assumes I tolerate some of her less glamorous qualities (and she’s right, I do).

    Your final statements are the real key to why society accepts women dressing in men’s clothes but not vice-versa — for all our centuries of empowering women, femininity is still seen as inferior. So exactly right, it’s OK to “better” one’s self by emulating the so-called stronger sex, but if you give the least suggestion of emulating the “weaker” sex, there’s obviously something wrong with you.

    In terms of personality, I don’t care for women any more than I do men who are rude, violent, deliberately uneducated, belligerent, etc. But I do admire women who are confident, self-reliant, physically fit, smart, and able to stand firm with their beliefs in a confrontation. I had a couple of girlfriends who were doormats, and I hated those relationships. The one I married is extremely assertive, and that’s what attracted me to her.


  8. ramendik says:

    I dare you to look up some Takarazuka Revue videos. I dare you to say their dancing and images are “disgusting”. (Whatever about the singing – the Japanese popular singing tradition is often not nice to a European ear).

    That is a Japanese theater where women play all roles, including male roles.


  9. ramendik says:

    Vivienne writes: “It used to be considered among psychologists that there were no female equivalents of male crossdressers, i.e. women who attempt to dress and pass as men for sexual or other reasons.”

    I did not know there were such clueless psychologists.

    I do however know many women who do just that. (I am a man). Here’s a photo I made at a LARP – this is an Elven king. . In daily life she is (and was at the time the photo was made) a married woman, born woman, and not a transsexual. But she liked playing some specific male roles. I know many more like her/


  10. thorin25 says:

    You “dare” me? What is that supposed to mean? Do you really think I haven’t already scoured the web for every crossdressing photo I could find? I’ve wasted way too much of my life doing that. You can dare me all you want. I don’t need anymore of that. I do find it disgusting. And I’ve already seen pictures of Japanese Kabuki, and know about the crossdressing. That practice probably came about because of sexism and not wanting real women up there. Not much of a laudable thing.


  11. ramendik says:

    Takarazuka is not Kabuki, it is the other way around. A more recent invention (will be 100 years old soon). In response to the situation you describe, “not wanting real women up there”, a theater was created with ONLY women. It has exerted major influence on development of Japanese popular culture.

    I just find your evaluation of crossdressing *women* somewhat offensive. I have a lot of friends like that.


  12. thorin25 says:

    My point in this post is that it is very easy for me to understand why my wife (and most other people) find it offensive to see a man in a dress. To understand their view, I just have to picture my wife crossdressed as a man. Yes it is offensive to me. I make no apologies for being offended by it. I don’t expect your friends or others to stop acting that way just because it offends me. It’s a free country. But I’m also free to be grossed out by it.


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