I hate to have to admit this, but I had a slight stumble yesterday. I’m going to give all of the real details in the hopes that it may help others out there who have gone or will go through similar things. And I hope my honesty and how I have handled this stumble may inspire other crossdressers to try and quit. So let me start with some background.
Overall, I have not been suppressing anything crossdressing related, as far as I know. But amazingly, it seems like over the past couple months, I can’t remember a single temptation, a single desire to crossdress. I haven’t even fantasized about anything in my mind. Just didn’t desire it at all. So things have been going really really great. It’s wonderful. But then comes the other night. My wife and I hadn’t had sex for a few weeks, and we had sex in the evening and it was good. My wife still doesn’t enjoy sex, so I give her lots of massages that she likes, but even though she wasn’t into it a lot, it was still good. I had been waiting for that a while, though I had masturbated (while only thinking of my wife, not cd) at least once or twice during the few weeks that we were waiting to have sex. (Usually we have sex once a week or every other week and I have no need of masturbation).
The problem came from a dream, as so often seems to happen to me. That very night after sex, I went to bed satisfied, but then had a dream. And it was a powerfully pleasurable dream, so much so that I had a wet dream, and woke up. I don’t remember much of the dream. I just remember that my wife was putting a red dress on me, and she was enjoying it. And she was trying to tell me not to be embarrassed if other people saw me, that it was normal for men to dress like this. That’s all I remember. This dream threw me out of whack. Where did it come from? And why so quickly after sex?
The next morning I tried to figure out the dream, without much success. Here are some thoughts though. The dream reflects total fantasy. Not only would I look ridiculous in a dress, but it is not at all normal for men to wear dresses in public. My wife also is vehemently opposed to crossdressing, perhaps more than I. Even at times years ago when I wanted to give in with her, she put her foot down. She would never enjoy crossdressing me. I wonder if perhaps subconsciously my mind went to crossdressing because of my ongoing heart-felt disappointment in sex. The physical pleasure is there, but it’s so discouraging that my wife doesn’t enjoy it. And that is just the reality of our marriage because of the lack of romantic feelings that my wife has. Long story. But my marriage will never be perfect and it’s just something I have to deal with. But it is interesting how my mind then went from reality of a difficult marriage, to my old cd fantasies, my old cd fantasies that I always used to go to in the past during times of stress. But who knows.
Anyway, the dream threw me out of whack for the next morning. I was depressed about having it. And my mind was somewhat still back in the dream trying to enjoy it and I was trying not to think about it anymore at the same time. During the morning I masturbated, while thinking about my wife, to relieve some of the tension I was feeling (3rd release in 24 hours). Didn’t think there would be any danger after that. I emailed my prayer chain getting some prayer from those guys, but wasn’t really worried about anything. Then I did a bunch of work.
But the dream kept eating at me, especially the picture of the red dress that was in the dream. I knew I had desires to read some kind of fantasy that might somewhat match up with my dream, and could think of a few in particular that I could look up, but I also knew that would be incredibly stupid and damaging. So I told myself I would look at a few pictures of crossdressers to get grossed out at crossdressing and then it would diffuse the power of the dream. So I did that. But it was just a dumb rationalization. I looked at a few pictures and it did gross me out a fair amount. But then I looked at a few more, and got turned on. That didn’t last real long. I stopped myself. And I didn’t go looking up any stories, and didn’t crossdress at all. But later on I also went to the bathroom again, and masturbated again (4th time in 24 hours), and my thoughts weren’t totally pure. The whole time of masturbating I wrestled between thinking of my wife and cd thoughts, and I’d say the cd thoughts that drifted in were over 50-60%.
After those things I felt pretty crappy. I felt down. I had trouble doing my work, because I just felt dirty, crappy, etc. So I took some time out to pray. I remembered that I am not perfect, and it’s not like I’ve been perfect this last year just because of my victories over crossdressing. I’m still a sinful person who sins every day. I was reminded that every day, every minute, I live because of God’s grace. Every day I need his forgiveness, and this is just one more of those things. My spirit was refreshed thinking about those things. And I told God that I would get back up and keep trying to live for him, in gratitude for his salvation and love. And so I felt better after that.
But the biggest crappy part is writing this post. I hate to let people down. And I know there are crossdressers out there who probably think this is some kind of proof that crossdressing can never go away. They can think what they want. I’d still never go back. It’s been almost a year, and I’ve beat my addictions. I have not looked at any crossdressing fiction and have not crossdressed at all. I have never felt so free. I’m not going to let a little dream or masturbation session trip me up and make me go back on my commitment and freedom. As I have said before, healing from this addiction is not perfection and total absence of desires. If that is what crossdressers need to see before they try to quit, then they are fooling themselves. I don’t anticipate ever being 100% free from crossdressing temptations, that is, of course, not until Jesus returns. In the meantime my crossdressing desires are 95% less than what they were before, and that is a wonderful feeling. The other 5% temptations that are still there are pretty easy to beat, (most of the time), and even if I do fail at some point in the future, I’ll treasure God’s forgiveness, and then keep living in freedom again.
See the way to look at this is, it’s not that I have to believe stopping fully is possible before being willing to try to stop. (Though I do believe we can stop fully). The point is to realize that stopping a little is better than not stopping at all. It’s not just crossdressing with pleasure versus not crossdressing and losing out on pleasure. It’s more complex. To me, crossdressing is like cancer. I want to get rid of as much of it as I can. Even if little parts remain, the feeling of freedom and purity and wholeness in my soul and healing in my life is hugely worth the fight. I think other crossdressers feel more like, “I don’t want to bother fighting to stop unless I can get rid of the problem fully and the desires fully.” But they are looking at it wrong. We stop because its damaging, and it is sinful. When there is something that is damaging you, you stop as much of it as you can, and whatever you stop makes you feel much better, and the more you stop, the better you feel. When something is sinful, you stop as much sin in your life as you can, even if you won’t be perfect.
This post turned out to be kind of long. Let me end by saying – I’m still fighting the good fight. I was depressed about this stumble, but also relieved I didn’t give in to either of my 2 biggest addictions – cd fiction or crossdressing. I’m going to be praying more about my dreams. And when the dreams do come again, next time I’ll keep my guard up and watch out for temptation and stupid rationalizations the next day. For my prayer partners, thank you for the prayers and kind words. They perhaps kept me from giving me in a much worse way. It was by God working through your prayers that I was able to get off the computer, and not go down a rabbit trail of sinful crossdressing sites. So thank you, and let’s keep up the good fight together.