Progress Report – 6-26-12

I hate to have to admit this, but I had a slight stumble yesterday.  I’m going to give all of the real details in the hopes that it may help others out there who have gone or will go through similar things.   And I hope my honesty and how I have handled this stumble may inspire other crossdressers to try and quit.  So let me start with some background.

 

Overall, I have not been suppressing anything crossdressing related, as far as I know.   But amazingly, it seems like over the past couple months, I can’t remember a single temptation, a single desire to crossdress.  I haven’t even fantasized about anything in my mind.  Just didn’t desire it at all.  So things have been going really really great.  It’s wonderful.  But then comes the other night.  My wife and I hadn’t had sex for a few weeks, and we had sex in the evening and it was good.  My wife still doesn’t enjoy sex, so I give her lots of massages that she likes, but even though she wasn’t into it a lot, it was still good.  I had been waiting for that a while, though I had masturbated (while only thinking of my wife, not cd) at least once or twice during the few weeks that we were waiting to have sex.  (Usually we have sex once a week or every other week and I have no need of masturbation).

The problem came from a dream, as so often seems to happen to me.  That very night after sex, I went to bed satisfied, but then had a dream.  And it was a powerfully pleasurable dream, so much so that I had a wet dream, and woke up.  I don’t remember much of the dream.  I just remember that my wife was putting a red dress on me, and she was enjoying it.   And she was trying to tell me not to be embarrassed if other people saw me, that it was normal for men to dress like this.  That’s all I remember.  This dream threw me out of whack.  Where did it come from?  And why so quickly after sex?

The next morning I tried to figure out the dream, without much success.  Here are some thoughts though.  The dream reflects total fantasy.  Not only would I look ridiculous in a dress, but it is not at all normal for men to wear dresses in public.  My wife also is vehemently opposed to crossdressing, perhaps more than I.  Even at times years ago when I wanted to give in with her, she put her foot down.  She would never enjoy crossdressing me.  I wonder if perhaps subconsciously my mind went to crossdressing because of my ongoing heart-felt disappointment in sex.  The physical pleasure is there, but it’s so discouraging that my wife doesn’t enjoy it.  And that is just the reality of our marriage because of the lack of romantic feelings that my wife has.  Long story.  But my marriage will never be perfect and it’s just something I have to deal with.  But it is interesting how my mind then went from reality of a difficult marriage, to my old cd fantasies, my old cd fantasies that I always used to go to in the past during times of stress.  But who knows.

 

Anyway, the dream threw me out of whack for the next morning.  I was depressed about having it.  And my mind was somewhat still back in the dream trying to enjoy it and I was trying not to think about it anymore at the same time.   During the morning I masturbated, while thinking about my wife, to relieve some of the tension I was feeling (3rd release in 24 hours).  Didn’t think there would be any danger after that.  I emailed my prayer chain getting some prayer from those guys, but wasn’t really worried about anything.  Then I did a bunch of work.

But the dream kept eating at me, especially the picture of the red dress that was in the dream.  I knew I had desires to read some kind of fantasy that might somewhat match up with my dream, and could think of a few in particular that I could look up, but I also knew that would be incredibly stupid and damaging.  So I told myself I would look at a few pictures of crossdressers to get grossed out at crossdressing and then it would diffuse the power of the dream.  So I did that.  But it was just a dumb rationalization.  I looked at a few pictures and it did gross me out a fair amount.  But then I looked at a few more, and got turned on.  That didn’t last real long.  I stopped myself.  And I didn’t go looking up any stories, and didn’t crossdress at all.  But later on I also went to the bathroom again, and masturbated again (4th time in 24 hours), and my thoughts weren’t totally pure.  The whole time of masturbating I wrestled between thinking of my wife and cd thoughts, and I’d say the cd thoughts that drifted in were over 50-60%.

After those things I felt pretty crappy.  I felt down.  I had trouble doing my work, because I just felt dirty, crappy, etc.  So I took some time out to pray.  I remembered that I am not perfect, and it’s not like I’ve been perfect this last year just because of my victories over crossdressing.  I’m still a sinful person who sins every day.  I was reminded that every day, every minute, I live because of God’s grace.  Every day I need his forgiveness, and this is just one more of those things.  My spirit was refreshed thinking about those things.  And I told God that I would get back up and keep trying to live for him, in gratitude for his salvation and love.  And so I felt better after that.

 

But the biggest crappy part is writing this post.  I hate to let people down.  And I know there are crossdressers out there who probably think this is some kind of proof that crossdressing can never go away.  They can think what they want.  I’d still never go back.  It’s been almost a year, and I’ve beat my addictions.  I have not looked at any crossdressing fiction and have not crossdressed at all.  I have never felt so free.  I’m not going to let a little dream or masturbation session trip me up and make me go back on my commitment and freedom.  As I have said before, healing from this addiction is not perfection and total absence of desires.  If that is what crossdressers need to see before they try to quit, then they are fooling themselves.  I don’t anticipate ever being 100% free from crossdressing temptations, that is, of course, not until Jesus returns.  In the meantime my crossdressing desires are 95% less than what they were before, and that is a wonderful feeling.  The other 5% temptations that are still there are pretty easy to beat, (most of the time), and even if I do fail at some point in the future, I’ll treasure God’s forgiveness, and then keep living in freedom again.

See the way to look at this is, it’s not that I have to believe stopping fully is possible before being willing to try to stop.  (Though I do believe we can stop fully).  The point is to realize that stopping a little is better than not stopping at all.  It’s not just crossdressing with pleasure versus not crossdressing and losing out on pleasure.  It’s more complex.  To me, crossdressing is like cancer.  I want to get rid of as much of it as I can.  Even if little parts remain, the feeling of freedom and purity and wholeness in my soul and healing in my life is hugely worth the fight.  I think other crossdressers feel more like, “I don’t want to bother fighting to stop unless I can get rid of the problem fully and the desires fully.”  But they are looking at it wrong.  We stop because its damaging, and it is sinful.  When there is something that is damaging you, you stop as much of it as you can, and whatever you stop makes you feel much better, and the more you stop, the better you feel.  When something is sinful, you stop as much sin in your life as you can, even if you won’t be perfect.

This post turned out to be kind of long.  Let me end by saying – I’m still fighting the good fight.  I was depressed about this stumble, but also relieved I didn’t give in to either of my 2 biggest addictions – cd fiction or crossdressing.   I’m going to be praying more about my dreams.  And when the dreams do come again, next time I’ll keep my guard up and watch out for temptation and stupid rationalizations the next day.   For my prayer partners, thank you for the prayers and kind words.   They perhaps kept me from giving me in a much worse way.  It was by God working through your prayers that I was able to get off the computer, and not go down a rabbit trail of sinful crossdressing sites.   So thank you, and let’s keep up the good fight together.

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13 comments on “Progress Report – 6-26-12

  1. Eric says:

    Thorin, thank you for your honesty and setting an example of how to recover after a stumble. I’ll add you to my prayers.

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  2. Paul says:

    I love you for your honesty. Honesty for you and your family, honesty for us who like you fight against our own flesh to become more Christ like. I have loved the scripture when Jesus says when He sees Nathanael “Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!” John 1:47.

    You don’t pretend to be perfect, you tell the truth. I don’t know you personally but I respect you very much.

    Jesus has shown me when I am being tempted please bring these thoughts to him at the base of his Holy Cross. Visualize myself laying my un pure thoughts and actions at the base of his cross. Then stand still silently. At His cross He has already forgiven me. At His cross He will help me to remember to forgive myself as He has already done. Never using sin as an excuse for my weaknesses but when I do sin, to bring it to Him. We all know we are too weak to fight the evil one or our flesh. But as I write this with tears in my eyes I can see His mighty cross and the salvation, forgiveness and love that is there for all of us.

    My prayer for all of us we learn to surrender first. Jesus will give us the ability to overcome. Someday in the eons to come I hope all of us who have battled will be able to stand together praising the name of Jesus.

    I will continue to pray for you and all our brothers here, please pray for me.

    Paul

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Eric, thank you for your words and prayers. And thank you for the kind words Paul. It’s great to hear those encouraging words after the letdown of what I did. And even if we don’t meet in this life, we will meet in the New Creation. As you say, we will be able to stand together with all of God’s people and praise the name of Jesus for his mighty powerful grace in our lives. I look forward to that day with you! May Jesus come soon!

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  4. Gcdrk says:

    Like God would give a crap about what you wear. Like God would stop loving his own child because of the way he is. Let me tell all of you a little secret: God loves you just because you exist. Not because of anything else. If he would want you in a certain way he would have created you that exact way. God doesn’t need or want to punish anybody for simply existing. There is no devil either. There is you and your own soul. Do you know how long I have been able to suppress my crossdressing? 12 years. What did it do for me? Nothing!! Now I do so, some lf my girl friends enjoy, my girlfriend accepts no problem and even my family. I just feel closer to myself. Men looking ridiculous in dresses? Jesus wore freaking dresses like clothes. Men in the renaissance used to wear frills and lace for Gods sake. You are deluding yourself with false-imposed beliefs. If your wife does not enjoy sex or you as a romantical partner, then what the hell are you doing with that woman?? Why does mine love me enough to allow me to be myself and not yours?? What God would allow that? None because God has nothing to do with it. God created you that way so you can enjoy your own person. (insulting language deleted by blog author) Anyway you already know all of that. Deep inside you you do. But you are too afraid to go against society’s stupid rules. When you fear, you are not having faith in God.

    One last thing: what is in it for God to want us to be tempted and then wipe our ass? NOTHING. No offense but your bible has been written by a bunch of guys. God is in your heart and if you dont stop this nonsense, depression and anxiety await you, if you dont already have both your feet in it.

    I know you will delete my comment but take it from a guy that used to fight against himself for a bunch of reasons because of stupid beliefs i did not choose.

    Take care

    Gcdrk, corporate lawyer happily crossdressing in accepting environment.

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  5. thorin25 says:

    How am I deluding myself with false-imposed beliefs? I take my beliefs about life, this world, and God from the Bible. You might not believe the Bible is true. But where do you get your beliefs about God from? You are making some strong belief claims about God in your comment, which is fine. But I wonder if you have any basis for those claims other than your own feelings. I take the Bible as my authority for my beliefs about God, a source other than my own feelings, which I believe is God’s revelation to us. What is your basis for your claims about God? I don’t find your beliefs about God convincing just because it seems to you that God should be such and such a way.

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  6. John says:

    Gcdrk,

    You have a right to your opinions and ideas and although you said “no offense” your tone is offensive and particularly your derogatory reference to Thorin’s wife. I’m certain that virtually all woman and most men find the term you used to be one the most offensive labels to be used in reference to a woman. I’d be surprised if your supportive wife would be very happy to know you used it. Perhaps Thorin is too graceful to delete your post (or missed the reference) and desired to rise above it with a respectful reply. I wouldn’t have been so understanding and would have deleted it or at least edited it if I were to keep it at all. (No judgement intended for you Thorin here-I just felt the writer crossed the line and it needed to be addressed.)

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  7. thorin25 says:

    John thank you for the comment. Appreciate it. I probably shouldn’t allow such language on my blog, but I haven’t ever not approved someone’s comments. (Maybe I should start being more picky). But I figured out the next best thing, apparently I can edit people’s comments, so I took that part of his comment out and made a notation that I deleted something. Glad you spoke up John. I allow people to go on their illogical or offensive tirades in comments, partly because ultimately it only hurts their argument more than mine, and I’d rather allow all comments for the sake of openness and dialogue.

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  8. John says:

    Thorin,

    It’s not the language I object to per se but rather that it was in reference to a person. Regardless of who the person is at some point personal attacks cross a line. Even more so here in the case of your wife who has written nothing here and is not in a position to respond either. Even if she was voicing her opinion here, the writer crossed the line of respectful dialogue in my opinion. Anyway, enough on this and let’s hopefully move on to passionate but respectful debate and discussion.

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  9. Ralph says:

    Thorin,

    The subject of forgiveness has come up a lot in the bible study I’m attending, and they raised an interesting point: We were *already forgiven* for our sins at the time of the sacrifice. Any guilt you carry with you denies that grace; it’s Satan lying to you by saying “God may have forgiven you up to a point, but this… this is too much.”

    You’ve already recognized the triggers that caused you to stumble. Learn from that, thank God for forgiving you, and leave it in the past “as far as the east is from the west”.

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  10. Gcdrk says:

    You are right, i did cross the line and I am sorry about that. I was in such a furry that some woman could treat her husband like that. As if everything was owed to her and nothing to you. As for my beliefs, I take them from my human heart which in my opinion rises far above any other people’s writing, may they be 2 days or 2,000 years old. You are of course more than welcome to believe what you want, but I can also believe that you guys use the bible as a basis to reject a part of you that yes I will admit can cause you some conflicts based on your age group, your circle of friends, the place you reside in, etc and etc. beliefs shan’t even be discussed but tou guys should have the devil’s advocate side (no intended pun) available to you and then decide what’s best for you.

    You may have had enough of the adversity and decided you needed a cure just so society could give you a break and you could at long last feel accepted and normal, I don’t know. The same way I once used to search a cure for anxiety which I suffered of from age 16 to 20. Anxiety lost its grip on me the day I stopped searching for a cure for it and instead try to learn from what it had to teach.

    To also be honest with you, i stroll in high heels sometimes and have people over to my place and most people are impressed by it.

    Anyway at the end of the day it doesn’t changes crap in my life wether you guys keep steering this way or not. It is just sad. The day my woman stops wanting to have sex with me AND categorically banish me from doing anything, I’m outta here. I deserve what I give her, which is the best possible care.

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  11. Gcdrk says:

    By the way do you guys ever feel connected to God and / or in a relationship with Him or do you merely study the bible taking one interpretation over another for acquired? Just curious.

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  12. thorin25 says:

    hello again Gcdrk. Just to clarify a bit about me personally, not that it matters too much. But I told my wife long ago about my crossdressing and made her promise to never let me do it. It’s not that she “is not letting me.” I myself don’t want to do it (incidentally she doesn’t like it either). Further, she is a very loving and serving wife in that we have sex about once a week normally, even though she doesn’t enjoy it or want to, but she does it out of love for me. So am I frustrated that she doesn’t feel romantic love towards me or enjoy sex? Yes I am, but she can’t just choose to have those romantic feelings. What she can do is choose her actions, and she is loving me faithfully in her actions.

    As to your question about feeling connected to God. I most certainly do. There have been times where I have told God how frustrated I am that he doesn’t appear before me or speak to me audibly. But there are good reasons the Bible talks about to understand why he doesn’t do that for us often, and that is why we long for Jesus to return bodily to judge the world and make his new creation. So I long for that day. But as I wait, spiritually I feel very connected to God. I don’t want to overemphasize my feelings because sometimes our feelings are misleading, but I feel God’s presence with me all the time. I am never alone. I speak to him all day long, and I hear/sense him speaking to me, not in an audible voice that I hear with my ears, but internally.

    But primarily, I believe that God speaks to us through his Word the Bible. Part of the safeguard of the Bible as God’s gift to us, is that we don’t just think that whatever thoughts go through our mind must be from God. They must match up with what he says in his Word. Therefore, people who claim God told them to go off and murder thousands of people have heard him wrong, listened to their own thoughts, or listened to Satan. Because God will not tell us things that are contradictory to his Word. So studying the Bible is extremely important. Another thing to add to this to explain to you Christian beliefs, is that we believe once we have trusted in Jesus as our savior, once we have received forgiveness of our sins, we believe the Holy Spirit (God) comes to live within us, spiritually. So as Christians, we have God’s intimate presence with us at all times. The Holy Spirit guides us, comforts us, convicts us of sin, and so on. This is something Christians experience and it is difficult to put into words until you have experienced it. But it is a truly wonderful gift.

    Okay so you are using your human heart as the basis of your beliefs. So to clarify, you believe your own human heart teaches you objective truth about God and his relationship to people, including what God does and does not care about? I’m not trying to say this offensively, but I really wonder and want to gently challenge you. Don’t you think it is arrogant (and naive) to assume that your own feelings from your own human heart about God are giving you objective truth about God and this world, even if those beliefs happen to contradict most of the beliefs of most other people in this world? Would God really have that be our only basis of truth about him? It would be one thing if you were an atheist, but you claim to believe in God based on your previous comment. If so, isn’t it odd that God would give us no other evidence of his existence, his desires, his commands for our lives, etc other than our subjective feelings from our hearts?

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  13. Ralph says:

    Gotta chime in on the faith subject too, Gcdrk. When I was a teenager and well into my 20s the Bible was just an empty sentiment to me; I went through the motions just because it was what people expected me to do. Consequently I was a selfish, arrogant jerk who said and did things that still trouble me 30 years later.

    It wasn’t until I really started talking to God and paying attention to what I read that I began to change for the better. Like everyone I still have my moments when I ignore God screaming in my ear “Fool, that’s not what I said to do!” and go blundering around messing up people’s lives, but those moments are rare now and I don’t even recognize the awful person I used to be.

    I doubt you’d find anyone disagreeing with you here if you pointed out the hypocrisy evident in the lives, behavior, and statements from many people who claim to be Christians (and I’m not about to get into the “no true Scotsman” argument; whether someone really is a Christian and yet deeply misguided or whether they don’t really believe the things they claim is something only God can sort out). For me the big change when I stopped listening to what television preachers said (much of which begins with “If you send me…”) and started listening only to what God says. It turns out there’s this whole section about how we’re supposed to love people and treat them with respect even when they don’t do the same for us. Who would have guessed?

    So, yeah, that’s why I don’t say “I’m a crossdresser” or “I’m a computer programmer”; what defines my life and how I behave in this world comes from “I’m a Christian”; everything else is secondary. Identifying myself that way helps me to keep my priorities straight. It does NOT mean I’m perfect, not by a long shot.

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