Gay man happily married to his wife

I came across this really interesting blog post.  Read it here – Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary.   It’s an incredible story.  I don’t know anything else about this couple besides this 1 blog post, but I like what I have read.  I’m really impressed by how his parents handled him telling them that he was gay.  I also agree with him that being gay is not a sin.  It is only in homosexual actions that there is sin, not in the basic sense of just having the desires.  There are various things I disagree with in the post, but overall it’s really good and thought provoking.

I think this post is one more little piece of proof that it is possible for us to deny and resist certain desires that are very strong in us, and yet we can still live fulfilling and even happy lives.  I strongly advocate doing what is right even if it means my life will be full of suffering and unhappiness (though we won’t be without deep joy from Jesus in our hearts).  But it is even nicer to read stories like this of people enjoying life when they are denying themselves to do what is right.

We don’t have to be controlled by homosexual desires (or crossdressing desires for that matter).  They can be resisted.  It does not have to be – “I have homosexual desires, therefore I must have a homosexual relationship in order to be myself and be happy, unless of course God completely takes away my desires.”  This blog post shows the third option.  Most likely God won’t just sweep away all of our sinful desires, such as homosexual desires.  He will probably have to deal with them for the rest of his life.  But in the meantime he is obeying God in this aspect of his life, and yet still enjoying life, and even marriage.

It’s interesting that he still finds sex with his spouse enjoyable.  I can relate to that. I think a lot of sex is just the physical touch.  It’s harder of course without the attraction, but surely certain ways of being touched feel good whether a man or a woman is touching you.  And if you add to it the wonderful relationship of intimacy and trust and friendship he has with his wife, it makes perfect sense to me that he can enjoy sex even without the physical attraction.

On the one hand I want to say that this blog post is incredible.  And yet I don’t think it is.  It is incredible in the sense that we never usually hear stuff like this.  But I must say it does not surprise me.  In many ways it reminds me of my own marriage.  If my wife and I didn’t care about doing the right thing, we would have divorced many times over a long time ago.  But we stuck it out to obey God, and now we very much enjoy our life together.  Further I resonate with this man in having improper desires that must be resisted.  For him it is homosexual desires, and for me it is crossdressing desires.  I fully believe his is the much more difficult struggle.  But for both of us, we have had to learn to enjoy physical sexual time with our wife rather than giving in to the alternatives which we desire more.


As an aside, I disagree very strongly with many tenets of Mormonism.  Although I think they have a significant portion of truth in their beliefs, there are enough basic belief differences to qualify it as a non-Christian religion or cult.  It’s called a cult, not because it’s secretive and scary, no, it just means that it’s not a true Christian denomination.  For 1 example they believe in multiple gods besides the one Triune God.  I also disagree with what he says the Mormon church believes, that marriage has something to do with our eternal destiny.   They believe that marriage is eternal, that husband and wife become gods and go on to populate another planet with their spiritual children.  In Mormonism your eternal destiny somewhat hinges on whether you are married or single.  But what I see as significant errors and problems of the Mormon faith doesn’t take away from the power of this couple’s story.


8 comments on “Gay man happily married to his wife

  1. Ralph says:

    An interesting comment came up at Bible study last night. We were talking about freedom from the [Mosaic] Law and all that it implies, which led to a discussion about legalism in the church and how it is so common for churches to focus on condemnation of sin (in others, of course) to the exclusion of all else.

    Our youngest participant, in his early 20s, said that to his generation both Christian and non-Christian, the view is that the role of the Christian church has but one purpose: To be anti-homosexual. That one topic has consumed so much media coverage, so many sermons, so much public speaking and protesting and rallying that as far as the world is concerned, that’s what defines a Christian. Not feeding the hungry or loving our neighbors or building homes in Africa or spreading the Gospel… just condemning homosexuality.

    I think he’s right, and I think we (the collective body of Christ, not any specific church) have lost sight of what really mattered to Jesus. Yes, homosexuality (or, as you point out, more accurately the homosexual act) is a sin and we should not condone it. But we also don’t condone drunkenness, adultery, or murder either — and yet we don’t stage protests or try to push legislation or make documentaries to announce how much we disapprove of those.

    We like to believe that we aren’t like Fred Phelps and we say as much to anyone who brings him up, but we differ only in degree, not in spirit.

    What would happen if we set our priorities, and the resulting actions, to match the priorities Christ gave us?


  2. thorin25 says:

    It’s true we are freed from the Mosaic law, but Jesus upheld the moral laws of the Old Testament Law as laws that are still for us today, and he took them even further saying that its not just do not commit adultery, but don’t even lust after a married woman in your heart. We don’t follow those laws to earn salvation, but as a result of our salvation.

    Also Jesus said that we show our love for him by obeying what he commanded. So yes it’s about love. But it’s about obeying God’s commands to show our love for him.

    I agree that the American Church centers on homosexuality too much today. There are other sins to talk about too. And I am not one to make documentaries about it or do rallies abut it. However, I sympathize with the focus on it in the following way.

    The non-Christian world has always been deep in sin, they have no motivation to follow God’s commands. All good and fine. And when Christians sin, they are found out, are held accountable, forgiven, given grace, the sinful Christian repents and moves on. But homosexuality is infecting the church in a more specific way. I’m not much concerned with homosexuality in the broader culture as some churches are. I don’t see why they are so concerned. Who cares if our country gets more immoral, it already is. Our job is to focus on the purity of the church, and by that maybe we can have a little influence in the broader society.

    So anyway, my focus is on the church, and homosexuality is different from other sins. Christians commit adultery and have pride and become alcoholics and plenty of other sins. But all of those sins are still thought of as sins. And people confess those sins and repent of them and try to stop doing them. They are not condoned by the church. But homosexuality is different. Some people are trying to say it is okay to do, and even whole denominations are pronouncing it to be acceptable even though the Bible is clearly against it as sin. THAT is why churches are making such a big stink about it and I agree with them. Certain Christians are tearing down the authority of Scripture, which ultimately our faith dies without that.

    So I think there is good reason for churches to be focused on the problem of homosexuality. It is a symptom of the larger problem of people not caring what Scripture says but making moral judgments based on their feelings.

    But if people still thought of homosexuality as a sin, I don’t think we would need to focus on it at all, and it would be like just every other type of sin.


  3. Ralph says:

    As always you raise some good points! I’ll have to bring this up and see how my friends respond.

    Just to clarify, when I say we are freed from the law I don’t mean it’s OK to do those things; I just mean that “therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.” Paul goes on in that same chapter to explain that this does NOT mean we are encouraged to sin, only that we’re forgiven when, not if, we do sin.

    I’m just asking, where should our focus be? Did Christ command us to dedicate ourselves to stamping out sin? Or are we commanded to love, and do so in tangible ways (feed the hungry, clothe the poor, care for the sick, etc.)? Which act is more likely to make disciples of all nations? Yes, we should — through discipleship — train new believers to understand sin and learn how to avoid it, but that should be our secondary, not our primary, goal.


  4. Eric says:

    I’m friends with a married man with SSA (same sex attraction), so the article didn’t surprise me at all. While there are examples of people with SSA getting happily married, I think it’s an exception. I wonder what the rest of the people are supposed to do? Is celibacy the only option? Is a monogamous relation an acceptable alternative? Gay activist insist that the homosexual acts condemned in the Bible do not cover marriage like partnerships. That relational homosexuality was unknown in biblical times so is not covered. That argument seems weak to me and more based on the activists’ wishes than any scriptural evidence. That being said, I have trouble with celibacy being the only option. Verses like “if you burn with lust, it’s better to get married” would appear to apply. Thoughts?

    The emphasis on pointing out homosexuality as a sin hinders the church’s mission to reach all people. With no other sin, do we insist that someone stop sinning before they are welcomed. Part of the reason may be that people conflate having SSA and acting on SSA. Both inside and outside the church, people make that mistake. Gay people define themselves as gay not as a person who participates in gay activities.


  5. thorin25 says:

    Hi Eric. I’m not sure that celibacy is the “only” option, but why is it such a negative option to people? Both Jesus and Paul said it is preferable to being married, and I think we forget too easily about all the heterosexual people that choose celibacy as a valid lifestyle option, or they are forced into it because their spouse dies, or they can’t find a spouse. And yet they can still enjoy life and have a fulfilling life.

    Secondly, even if celibacy and not getting married was necessarily a huge hardship that would make one unhappy (which I don’t think it would have to), but even if that was always the case, Jesus called us to do what is right even if it involves suffering and hardship. That is why I didn’t get divorced even though my marriage caused me more pain than anything else ever has, and in many ways still does. About half the time in my married life, I wish that I would have remained celibate. Not because I hate my spouse, just because I could do without being married and still be happy and it would free me up in ministry. (But my marriage also had made me more dependent on God, taught me how to love unconditionally, grown me in holiness, etc.) But we should be willing to suffer for doing what is right. This life is but a temporary blip before the eternal life which is to come. We are called to be obedient, and grow in holiness. We have joy in the Holy Spirit. Whether we are “happy” in this life doesn’t matter that much because we can handle anything knowing all the good things we will enjoy for eternity.

    As far as other “valid” options, my seminary professors talked of the value of strong intimate friendships, and self-pleasuring through masturbation to take care of sexual urges. If I was gay, I’d also consider marrying a lesbian Christian, and have a great friendship, that just wouldn’t necessarily include sex, or at least not necessarily heavy passionate sex full of physical attraction. I’d also consider doing what the guy did in the blog post, marrying a heterosexual woman, who knew exactly about my condition before going into it. Marriage is mostly about friendship and service anyway, for most marriages the attraction and passion fades, and the marriage is kept going by agape love and friendship love rather than eros love.

    I don’t insist that people stop sinning before they are welcomed. I’d welcome a homosexual couple to my church. But at some point after getting to know them I would encourage them to repent and commit their lives to Jesus. That might turn them away and it might not. Recently I had a similar discussion with a new heterosexual couple that had been living together. They had been coming to the church for months, and we loved having them, and we were accepting and full of grace even though they had both gotten divorces and were now living together. They wanted to get married and I told them I was willing to marry them, and they wanted me too. They really loved meeting with me. But then when I explained why having sex and living together before marriage is not okay in God’s eyes, and I assured them I was not condemning them, and they are forgiven, and they are doing the right thing by getting married, they still felt judged and left the church. My point is that that feeling of judgment is not liked by most people, whether homosexual or not, but at some point our job is to call people to repent and turn to Christ.

    I am right with you about how often Christians confuse being gay, and actually committing homosexual acts. I am tempted to crossdress, but if I don’t do it, I’m not sinning. If they have homosexual desires it doesn’t matter. It’s only if they give in. I’d love to serve under a pope or denominational leader who was gay and not giving in. For someone to do that, they would have to have great faith, commitment to obeying God, self control and joy in God. And that is the kind of person I want leading me. Sadly, this distinction is not enough for most Christians, and most gay Christians. They want to be accepted and affirmed in the behavior. And on the other side, sadly this position is too liberal for some Christians, who just condemn any person who has the slightest homosexual desires. It seems hard for some Christians to find that critical middle truth.


  6. Robyn says:

    “I’d love to serve under a pope or denominational leader who was gay and not giving in. For someone to do that, they would have to have great faith, commitment to obeying God, self control and joy in God.” Why is this so different from having a leader who was heterosexual and not giving in to carnal desires? Is it more difficult or impossible for a gay person to resist carnal temptation than it is for a heterosexual?

    There is a LOT of focus today on gays because they want the focus; they want to be accepted and affirmed in their behavior just as heterosexuals are accepted and affirmed in their behavior specifically through marriage and raising a family.

    As much as they desire equality, it cannot happen… Even though in some places gays can be married in a civil ceremony, they can never be married in the eyes of God. And there is no way they can unite themselves naturally and physically to create a family.

    Any discussion about gays, gay rights, and homosexual desires needs to answer these questions:
    What is the ultimate purpose of marriage? Is marriage necessary to a well-ordered society? In other words, how does marriage benefit society? Why do people get married (instead of living together)? Why is a civil marriage important? What is the purpose for getting married in a church? What is the purpose and meaning of sex (sexual relations, sexual attraction, etc.)? Is sex THAT important to us? Why? What is the role of sex in our spiritual and religious well-being and our relationship with God? What should it be?

    I think that the Christians who condemn anyone who has homosexual desires or tendencies have been strongly influenced by Puritanism. The Puritans were among the first religious groups to leave England and settle in America. Even though there are no Puritan denominations today (although some off-shoots exist), Puritanism is very strong in America.



  7. Eric says:

    “our job is to call people to repent and turn to Christ.”
    I agree with both parts, but I want to dig a little deeper. I just did a quick tour of Romans, so I pulled some verses from there

    Are you familiar with the 4 spiritual laws?
    1. God loves you
    2. You are sinful and separated from God.
    3. Christ died for your sins.
    4. You must accept Jesus as Savior and Lord
    I’ll add some post salvation steps
    5. Learn about God and His standards. Grow close to Him and allow Him to convict you.
    6. Join a fellowship of believers. See how they act and how God works through them.
    7. Gradually repent individual sins and conform to Christ.

    Step 2 I’ve always interpreted as meaning sinful nature, not sinful acts.

    Romans 3:11 “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands;there is no one who seeks God.

    Step 5:
    Romans 2:2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth.

    Step 7:
    Romans 6:12 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.

    Romans 7:25 So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin.

    Romans 12:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.

    From my own testimony and many that I have heard, people need time to fully understand how far short of God that they fall. Over time, they become convicted of their sins and begin to take those sins to God for healing (or try to fix them themselves). In addition, like King David, even the strongest Christian can fall into a new sin and need to repent.

    I think when working with other Christian’s sins, we want to deal with the ones that make us most uncomfortable not the ones that God is working on in that person. In the LGBT community, they often have many sins to deal with. In my limited dealings, drug and alcohol abuse, anger issues, poor self esteem, excessive guilt/hardened heart are common. Many of those may require psychiatric treatment. The last two may sound like odd sins, but they both are showing a disregard for God’s judgment. We are not to call something unworthy that God calls worthy. The excessive guilt shows a lack of understanding of God’s forgiveness. The hardened heart, I think, is just a self defense mechanism to excessive guilt and can be treated the same way. If there can be forgiveness, then the heart can soften.


  8. thorin25 says:

    Robyn, you said, “Is it more difficult or impossible for a gay person to resist carnal temptation than it is for a heterosexual?” I think it is actually. Not in essence. In essence maybe they are the same. But in our culture, and many churches say homosexual behavior is okay. To go against that grain to be true to God’s commands seems to me to be much more difficult than for me to resist pornography and adultery since most people still think those are wrong.

    Eric, agreed on your approach for the most part. I do see many examples in the Bible where repentance is the first step. You can’t really desire a relationship with Christ, you can’t value at all what he did for you, unless you first realize your own sinfulness. But I agree the first step is repenting for your sin in general, not realizing every way that you are sinful. The more we grow in Christ, the more sins we recognize and repent of. As a matter of fact, I’d say as I’ve grown in Christ, I’ve recognized my most dangerous sins, (like idolatry and pride), that have been there all along, but didn’t notice them as much as other more visible sins.

    And what should be the motivation for repentance for non-Christians? It is an encounter with Christ. We meet with him, we read about him, and we accept him as our savior out of our need for him. And only after that do we become transformed. We cannot remain the same. So when new people are coming to my church, I don’t expect them to repent and change how they are living, until after they have met with Christ, experienced his grace, and are being transformed by him. But obviously even then we shouldn’t expect that change all at once.


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