“Crossdressing will always come back later”

I’ve done a lot of reading online about crossdressing, and it is very common for me to come across a quote like, “you can try to give up crossdressing for a while, but it will always come back eventually.”  Sometimes this kind of statement is elaborated by saying, “you can give up crossdressing for a while, and the urges might go away for a while, but eventually you will no longer be able to suppress the urges and you will want to crossdress again later in life.”  And so then they give the advice, “so stop feeling guilty about it now, embrace it as part of you, and enjoy crossdressing.”   I can’t count the number of times I’ve read advice like this.

But I wanted to unpack this sort of quote.  What are they saying?  Is it true?  For the most part I actually agree with the quote.  I think they are talking about crossdressing desires.  And if that is what they mean, I largely agree.  At times, our crossdressing desires will diminish but they will never fully go away.  For example, right now I have absolutely no desire to crossdress.  But I would be very surprised if I never had crossdressing desires again, whether in 1 month, or 10 years.  The desires and temptations come and go.  We can do things to limit how much we desire crossdressing, but ultimately we can’t just choose to not desire it anymore.

But I do think we can choose whether to give in or not.  And so therefore, I disagree with the advice to just give in and embrace crossdressing.  From a Christian perspective, a biblical perspective, we know that our temptations to sin will not go away fully until Jesus returns to this earth and makes us new.   So yes, we can grant the argument that crossdressing will never leave us in this life, if we mean the crossdressing temptations.  But it is another leap entirely to say, “therefore, we should give in.”

Our healing from crossdressing, our fight again crossdressing, is not about getting rid of the desires, though it is helpful for us to do as much as we can to get rid of the desires.  The healing, the fight, is about controlling our desires.   That is something we CAN do, and we can do it right now with God’s help.  I agree that we shouldn’t suppress the desires; instead we should think about them, sort them out in our minds, and then choose to resist them.  But we don’t have to give in to crossdressing in order to avoid the suppression.  Let yourself deal with the fact that you have desires you need to resist, deal with the fact that those desires may come and go and may never fully leave you.  That is reality.  But we always have the freewill to resist those desires.  You don’t have to let crossdressing control or ruin your life.  You don’t have to give in to every whim of pleasurable desires that come into your mind.  It’s about learning self-control.

Advertisements

9 comments on ““Crossdressing will always come back later”

  1. Robyn says:

    Free will? Are we consciously and deliberately choosing to crossdress? If we CHOOSE not to crossdress, then we won’t… right? Isn’t that how it is supposed to work? If it comes down to a free will choice, why are we choosing to do it if we desire to stop?

    “It’s about learning self-control.”

    Of course! If one has enough self-control or self-discipline, then it is possible to resist all desires to crossdress. The problem is that not all people have the same amount of self-control or self-discipline. Some people have a lot more than others. How does one “learn” self-control? How long would it take to learn enough self-control to stop crossdressing?

    For me personally, I do not have a lot of self-control or self-discipline. There are so many things I would like to do but cannot because I lack the discipline needed. I would like to learn to play an instrument, learn another language, start my own business, and lose 10 pounds. Desire is not an issue. I start, stop, and then start again. I have a very difficult, challenging time achieving the things I want to do and the things I should do. It is very frustrating to the point of giving up trying to accomplish anything…

    One solution if one does not have enough internal self-control and self-discipline is to recognize our limitations and have some sort of external control or discipline. I could hire a life coach to push me to some of my goals or hire a personal trainer to help me achieve my weight goal. Sometimes our spouses become our source of control and discipline. (non-sexually!) But is that really good for a relationship?

    The reason why it seems like crossdressers who give in to the desire to crossdress have given up the fight. If they only had more self-control… As discussed in many other posts, there are many reasons for crossdressing and these reasons are often buried deep inside ourselves. Because they are so varied, so numerous, and so deep, it would take a phenomenal amount of self-control and self-discipline to eliminate the crossdressing behavior. I’m NOT saying that it cannot be done. Go for it! I am saying that there no known therapies such as Cognitive Behavior Modification or EMDR that help manage or control the crossdressing desires enough to eliminate the behavior.

    Again, for me personally, knowing that I do not have a lot of self-control, the best I can hope for is to control the desires so they don’t control me. I have stopped and started again so many times that I’ve lost count. One time I stopped for about three years… I tried stopping unsuccessfully when threatened with divorce and with losing a close friendship. Many others have similar stories.

    As for my free will and “choosing” to crossdress, I honestly believe that today my free will, my ability to choose has been seriously and significantly damaged by my past history. This may sound like a lot of rationalization crap, but there is no other way I can understand why I cannot stop today and walk away from all future desires.

    I share this with you not to discourage you but to show you the challenges that lie ahead. I hope and pray you are successful in your journey.

    Peace,
    Robyn

    Like

  2. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the comment Robyn,
    I think self control can be learned. It’s one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. As we grow closer to Jesus in our relationship with him, he helps us to become more and more holy, and that includes growing in our self-control. And, the closer we grow in our relationship to Jesus, the less power sin has over us, and the more we actually want to do what is right than what is wrong.

    I don’t think self-control is the only answer to giving up crossdressing. I mentioned it incidentally in this post, but there are a whole host of other things that should be done if one is giving up crossdressing, besides just working on our self-control. See my post on 12 steps to stopping crossdressing.

    You stopped for 3 years and then crossdressed again. It is possible that such a thing can happen to me. I don’t know the future. But I view crossdressing as a toxic sinful part of my life, and the more years I can go without it until I die the better. So even if I knew for a fact that I would crossdress at some point in the future, I am still very glad to not be crossdressing now. My point with this post, is that for alot of crossdressers the knowledge that just the desires, the crossdressing desires, will come back in the future, is enough to make them give up and not want to work on stopping crossdressing now. I don’t think that makes sense. My points are 2. 1. the desires may come back but that doesn’t entail us having to give in to them in the future. and 2. we can control what we are doing right now, and right now it is better not to crossdress at all since it is harmful and sinful.

    Like

  3. Vivienne says:

    Hi guys,
    An interesting post. FWIW, I think the desire to crossdress will never fully go away. I am fortunate to have it mildly enough that I can mostly control it. But it’s there with me, every day, and I know that unless I give in to it once in a while, I become incredibly irritable and unhappy. As Robyn remarks, there is no therapy which will eliminate the desire to crossdress.
    You’re right of course that we should not allow it to overthrow us. My point of view, as you know, is that I have (as each of us has) a simple choice: either I am in charge, or the crossdressing is in charge. I like to think I am in charge. We cannot be judged on our feelings, only our actions.
    On the other hand, crossdressing is just the most wonderful feeling. When you want chocolate, no matter how much you may like pizza, no amount of pizza will suffice. Crossdressing is the same for me: no other pleasure is quite the same. If I eat chocolate, or pizza, at whim, then it isn’t healthy for me. Likewise, crossdressing at whim isn’t emotionally healthy either. But a bit of chocolate or pizza now and again really enriches life and adds pleasure.
    Maybe pantyhose should come with a discreet health warning: “Enjoy crossdressing responsibly”!
    Vivienne.

    Like

  4. Jim says:

    I can identify with that irritable feeling Vivienne but we must not give in to our weakness. We must pick up our cross and deny ourselves for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ. We can also make small sacrifices like giving up chocolate. However eating chocolate is nothing like cross dressing. The first is a licit good the second is evil, forbidden. You can eat chocolate and not good to hell but crossdressing will send you down the slippery slope.
    Let us all humble ourselves and pray for Gods great mercy so that he will strengthen our wills and sharpen our intellects that we may give him glory by our manly transformation.

    Like

  5. Clarissa says:

    Understand I understand what you were saying but I am a wife of a cross dresser and the fact that he likes it enjoys it and desires it does nothing but discussed me I can’t handle this behavior this desire and him and this kind of thinking in him anymore I am repulsed by him and the fact that he gives into it by sneaky ways and lies to himself and me i’m to the point that I just want nothing to do with him in my mind he has destroyed my life no not my life but my marriage he is a liar he says he wants his marriage but his desire and enjoyment of this cross dressing I am sorry but it makes me sick and I think I am done with him thanks for listening I said wife of a crossdresser

    Like

  6. thorin25 says:

    I’m sorry for what you are going through Clarissa. I will pray for you and him right now, that God would help him to repent and change. You may want to get some support from the other wives here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/wives-of-crossdressers-chat/

    You are right to feel disgusted by his activity, however, it is important to remember that he did not choose to have this proclivity, these desires. Of course he is choosing to act on them though. I hope and pray that God would help him to change, and that the marriage would be saved, and that there would be forgiveness and restoration.

    Like

  7. Temptedsinner says:

    Clarissa,
    Has something happened? I know because of his work that you and he are often separated and you have other family dynamics that do not allow you to be with him….

    I am praying for you both

    Tempted

    Like

  8. CD wife says:

    Clarissa please follow that little voice and do what is right for you. Put yourself first you don’t have to put up with this abuse if it’s become too much now. You are worth so much more.
    I am understanding from your post that you have come to the end maybe .That’s fine you have suffered for a long time now and this life is short. Seek support if you can afford it but what ever just take great care of you.
    Keep in touch with us i will be looking out for you and you will of course be in my prayers. X

    Like

  9. Lisa says:

    Hi Clarissa, I’m so sorry your husband puts Crossdressing before you. That is unforgivable. Cd wife mentioned you must think of yourself now. which I think is right. Maybe if you leave him he will have a change of heart. I’m praying for Clarissa. CD is a very, very selfish addiction. l hope you come to the right decision for you. God bless.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s