I am proud to announce that I have gone for 1 year now without crossdressing or giving into crossdressing fiction, my two main crossdressing vices. It feels very very good. This certainly doesn’t make me a perfect person, or mean I’m not still sinful. In fact, I’ve had a couple times in this past year where I’ve fantasized about crossdressing or briefly looked at crossdressing pictures, not to mention other sins I struggle with like not loving God fully enough, pride, selfishness, etc. But overall it’s been a year of purity, chastity, spiritual growth, and victory. I don’t have a lot to say right now since I’ve been writing every week all year. And I still have many posts on specific topics I plan to write someday. But here are a few thoughts to mark this 1 year of victory.
I can honestly say that this has been one of the best, or THE best year of my life, and one of the main reasons for this is because of this victory over crossdressing. In many other ways this has been a great year too, such as that I’ve been seeing how God is using me in my role as pastor in my church and community. But I’ve never felt so free and unburdened and it’s largely because crossdressing is out of my life.
My marriage is also the best it has ever been. My wife has been fairly supportive in my struggle. She could have done much more but she doesn’t like to talk about it or think about it a lot. That is fine with me because I have other support. Also sometimes knowing the exact details would just be unhelpful as we try to move forward together in our marriage, so she has purposely chosen not to look at my website. But we talk about my victory and my blog and she has been supportive, and she is going to celebrate this 1 year marker with me. I’m not sure what we are going to do yet; perhaps go out to eat, or on a trip. It’s definitely worth celebrating. I’d like to note that my wife hasn’t acted really any differently towards me because I have been free from crossdressing. She is the same amount loving and committed to me as she has always been in the last years. The marriage is better because I am better. I’m not focusing on crossdressing anymore, and so I’m focusing on loving my wife instead. I’m focusing on her for my sexual attraction and not her clothing. I’m enjoying sex more than I’ve ever been and it’s not cluttered up by crossdressing thoughts as it almost always was in the past.
Having crossdressing out of my life has also let me focus on other ways to grow in my relationship with God, and so I have grown greatly in my spiritual life. All my energy in the past was on crossdressing or repenting from crossdressing. Now that it’s gone and I’m not wasting my time doing it, or constantly focusing on asking God for forgiveness for it, God is now working on other areas of my life. I’m growing in my prayer life, talking to God more, and growing closer to him. I’m working on other areas of my sanctification, working on my pride, selfishness, service to others, and so on. I’m working on growth areas that I didn’t have the time or focus to work on before, now that crossdressing is no longer plaguing me.
On the flipside, I have realized the sneaky nature of sin, and the strategies Satan uses to tempt us. As some desires to sin diminished in strength, namely crossdressing, other desires to sin gained strength, namely lusting after women. Lust was never a problem for me, but as God transformed my heart and mind to desire crossdressing less, the natural progression was that I desired real women more. Part of this change is good; I was desiring women as I am supposed to, rather than desiring the woman of my own creation, myself. But I’ve been having to learn what other normal Christian men have also had to learn, and that is to control my eyes and my heart and not lust after other women, but to focus on desiring my wife. This has not been a huge problem. Once I learned self-control over my crossdressing desires, learning self control over normal lust of women was pretty easy.
My victory over this crossdressing could not have happened without God working in my heart, mind, and life. But here are a few of the practical “means” that God used to give me victory from this, besides just transforming my heart. One thing he used was the blogs of others who have quit crossdressing for good. I was in the process of looking for crossdressing fiction a year ago or so (pretty sad that I was still doing this as a pastor) and came across some blogs, (which I have links to on the side), and saw that other Christians had quit crossdressing, and were successful. My heart was convicted. I realized I had been fooling myself to think I couldn’t control my desires. If these Christians could do it, than surely I, especially as a pastor, could do so as well. I devoured every blog post of these guys, reading all of their old writings. I communicated with them a lot. At this point, I might now have written more about crossdressing than they have. But I wouldn’t be here doing this blog today if not for them. A special shout out here to Ikthys, who probably helped me more than anyone else. Thank you Ikthys, you have no idea how helpful you and your blog were to me.
I have had many accountability partners in real life who knew about my crossdressing, and yet I kept failing after times of victory. Community and fellowship and accountability is so important in our fight against any sin, but for me, it ultimately took other guys who were fighting against the same sin. I could not see my fellow bloggers, and they could not hold me accountable in as close of way as my friends in real life. But just being able to be brutally honest with other bloggers, and being able to vent about frustrations, was incredibly helpful. My accountability partner struggling with porn in real life was really helpful to me. But even with our depth of intimacy it was really hard to say to him, “yesterday I saw a pop-up ad for women’s clothing, and I just really wanted to wear the cute heels and sexy red dress the woman was wearing.” Or “yesterday all day I couldn’t focus on anything because I kept daydreaming about painting my toenails violet.” Being able to talk about such things with fellow bloggers was very freeing. We could all write posts that acknowledge such feelings, but then together choose to resist them. We could together sort out our feelings, trying to understand them, and figure out how to become healthy healed people together.
God also used my own blogging experience to help heal me from my addiction to crossdressing and the distorted feelings it had developed in me. Through this blog I was able to articulate random thoughts in a cohesive way. I was able to think through my own feelings and desires and understand myself better. I was able to clearly write down why I think crossdressing is wrong, and now I will never again be able to rationalize that it is okay. I can always go back to my own posts about why I KNOW it is wrong. Further, I have greatly greatly enjoyed God using me through this blog to help others. God has used my horrible crossdressing past for good, to help others who are struggling and depressed about their bondage to crossdressing. I have seen through emails and comments I’ve received, and countless internet search term on my “stats” page just how many hundreds or thousands of us out there are struggling with crossdressing, knowing that it is destructive to our lives and sinful, but not knowing how to stop. Knowing that God is using me in a small way to help some of those people is incredibly fulfilling and continues to fuel my desire to never crossdress again.
I’ve also been helped through my own blogging in that I’ve dialogued with so many other crossdressers and seen their sites. The more I debate, and read what they write, the more I become convinced of my own views. This is not to say I’m not open minded. I’ve learned a lot from other bloggers, and even changed some of my positions on tangential things about crossdressing and transgenderism. But the more I see their blogs, the more I see how confused they are, and the more I pity them and wish to help them. Further, through this blog and interaction with other crossdressers, I am not ignoring the issue. It goes through my mind at least once a day as I check my email, and in that way my feelings about crossdressing are not suppressed deep down. Crossdressing is still a daily part of my life, but it’s completely in the context of helping others resist their crossdressing and nothing to do with daydreaming about it or giving in to it. I think that if I would have quit crossdressing a year ago, and then not blogged, and done absolutely no thinking about crossdressing at all, I would likely have failed within 6 months or so. But through my blogging, crossdressing is in a way said “no” to on a daily basis.
And last I’ve been greatly helped in my blogging through the encouragement and prayers of so many of you. I don’t know how exactly God has used and responded to your prayers, but I am sure he has been using them to give me strength. I couldn’t have done it without God’s work in me, and the prayers of all of you. So thank you, thank you, and another heartfelt thank you.
We all know that crossdressing is a tough animal to kill. In the end, I highly doubt I could have ever stopped crossdressing if God was not in my life. I would never have had enough motivation to stop, nor the strength to stop. But with God daily being with me, and daily giving me his love and grace, and with me wanting to live for him with my whole life in gratitude for salvation, it became very possible for me to resist crossdressing and get it out of my life. To God be the glory for what he has done. For those of you that don’t have a relationship with God, I’d love to still help you get crossdressing out of your life, but please consider learning more about God and beginning life with him.
I am not naive, and am not saying right now that I am “healed” fully from crossdressing. I’m not saying I have absolutely no desires to crossdress anymore. In fact, crossdressing might have even come up in my dream last night. I’m not saying that I will never fail again. I don’t know the future. But I am saying that so far God has healed my heart, mind, and body very much over the last year. Crossdressing is not the plague on my life that it was. I am saying that the desires for crossdressing have severely severely lessened. I am saying that when I think about crossdressing now, it seems more perverted, messed up, confused, silly, and dumb than it ever has in my life. Most of the time I’m never tempted to it anymore. I am saying that this year has been wonderful and fulfilling and full of joy without crossdressing. I am saying that I don’t miss crossdressing at all. I am saying that regardless of what happens in the future, right now everything I’ve done to get rid of crossdressing has been more worth it than I even expected or hoped for.
And in contrast to what many crossdressers like to say about accepting yourself, I have only felt more like myself, my true self, now that crossdressing is out of my life. I am being the man God created me to be, and accepting that identity feels right, feels honest and true, and is deeply fulfilling. If you have any other questions for me about how I feel now or how I got to this point, just ask.