Well I had my first desire to crossdress that I’ve had in months. It was fleeting and momentary, but it was potent. I was at a friend’s house and his wife was away. We were together the whole time so it’s not like I could have failed anyway. And even if I was alone I don’t think I would have failed. But the desire was there and that surprised me. In the hallway that we had to walk through many times over the course of the evening, there were all of their families’ shoes laid out. His wife had a pair of brown semi-casual high heels sitting there on the floor right where we walked past. They were really cute, just the kind I like, nice looking but not flashy.
Every time I walked past them my eyes were heavily drawn to them. I was upset with myself for being so attached to them. I don’t want to be. In my mind, I cursed them. Of course they are just shoes, and not worthy of my wrath, but I hated how much power they had over my mind. So I prayed and asked God to transform my thoughts about them. I also visualized myself wearing them, thinking about how dumb I would look, especially being in my male clothes. That really helped too, because I would really have looked stupid. And I thought about all the times I have tried on different women’s shoes at various houses and places in my life, and all the feelings of sexual pleasure, shame, fear, guilt, adrenaline, and whatever else I felt during all those times. I really did not want to feel those things again with a stupid pair of shoes. But what really helped me as I thought about those shoes was to think about the oddness of me as a grown man being utterly infatuated with fabric and leather (or whatever they were made of) that had been made into a pair of women’s footwear. Besides all I have written about the problems and sinfulness of crossdressing, just the very notion of how messed up it was for me to be so obsessed with shoes, just an article of clothing, was enough for me to not to want to put them on. Clearly they weren’t “just shoes” to me.
It was not a big deal overall, but it gave me a few thoughts. First, I figured it would be helpful to share how I deal with temptations successfully, since I often just share about my failures. Second, it reminded me to be vigilant. Even though things are remarkably well, and I don’t usually have any desires to crossdress even though I am not suppressing or burying those crossdressing thoughts, it tells me that the right unique object at the right time can still trigger a crossdressing desire. And third is the reflection that really makes me happy. That is, the fixation on those shoes was so jarring, and so unexpected, it tells me just how far God has really brought me over the last year. In the past I was fixated and obsessed with objects of feminine clothing and make up all the time, whether I saw them hanging in the closet, or on an advertisement, or on a woman. It was a daily occurrence. As disturbing as my fixation on these shoes was to me, I am now just extremely encouraged thinking about how much crossdressing has left my life. Female clothing is largely just female clothing to me now. It used to be the object of my fantasy and desire, the tool I used to escape reality, the thing I loved to fixate on in my mind, the thing I longed for. Now it is just fabric, or it is the dress that looks beautiful on my wife. There is hope guys. As you can see from this post, it is a long struggle, and I am not there yet. But with perseverance, prayer, and long term resistance of crossdressing, your desires can slowly transform. You can start looking at the clothes again for what they really are. Crossdressing desires can lose their foothold in your life. Keep on praying. Keep on thirsting for righteousness. Keep on asking God to transform your desires. Keep on consciously trying to view female clothing differently. Keep on relying on God for strength. Keep on keeping on.