Progress Report – Stupid High Heels

Well I had my first desire to crossdress that I’ve had in months.  It was fleeting and momentary, but it was potent.  I was at a friend’s house and his wife was away.  We were together the whole time so it’s not like I could have failed anyway.  And even if I was alone I don’t think I would have failed.  But the desire was there and that surprised me.  In the hallway that we had to walk through many times over the course of the evening, there were all of their families’ shoes laid out.  His wife had a pair of brown semi-casual high heels sitting there on the floor right where we walked past.   They were really cute, just the kind I like, nice looking but not flashy.

Every time I walked past them my eyes were heavily drawn to them.  I was upset with myself for being so attached to them.  I don’t want to be.  In my mind, I cursed them.  Of course they are just shoes, and not worthy of my wrath, but I hated how much power they had over my mind.  So I prayed and asked God to transform my thoughts about them.  I also visualized myself wearing them, thinking about how dumb I would look, especially being in my male clothes.  That really helped too, because I would really have looked stupid.  And I thought about all the times I have tried on different women’s shoes at various houses and places in my life, and all the feelings of sexual pleasure, shame, fear, guilt, adrenaline, and whatever else I felt during all those times.  I really did not want to feel those things again with a stupid pair of shoes.   But what really helped me as I thought about those shoes was to think about the oddness of me as a grown man being utterly infatuated with fabric and leather (or whatever they were made of) that had been made into a pair of women’s footwear.  Besides all I have written about the problems and sinfulness of crossdressing, just the very notion of how messed up it was for me to be so obsessed with shoes, just an article of clothing, was enough for me to not to want to put them on.  Clearly they weren’t “just shoes” to me.

It was not a big deal overall, but it gave me a few thoughts.  First, I figured it would be helpful to share how I deal with temptations successfully, since I often just share about my failures.  Second, it reminded me to be vigilant.  Even though things are remarkably well, and I don’t usually have any desires to crossdress even though I am not suppressing or burying those crossdressing thoughts, it tells me that the right unique object at the right time can still trigger a crossdressing desire.  And third is the reflection that really makes me happy.  That is, the fixation on those shoes was so jarring, and so unexpected, it tells me just how far God has really brought me over the last year.  In the past I was fixated and obsessed with objects of feminine clothing and make up all the time, whether I saw them hanging in the closet, or on an advertisement, or on a woman.  It was a daily occurrence.  As disturbing as my fixation on these shoes was to me, I am now just extremely encouraged thinking about how much crossdressing has left my life.  Female clothing is largely just female clothing to me now.  It used to be the object of my fantasy and desire, the tool I used to escape reality, the thing I loved to fixate on in my mind, the thing I longed for.  Now it is just fabric, or it is the dress that looks beautiful on my wife.  There is hope guys.  As you can see from this post, it is a long struggle, and I am not there yet.  But with perseverance, prayer, and long term resistance of crossdressing, your desires can slowly transform.  You can start looking at the clothes again for what they really are.  Crossdressing desires can lose their foothold in your life.  Keep on praying.  Keep on thirsting for righteousness.  Keep on asking God to transform your desires.  Keep on consciously trying to view female clothing differently.  Keep on relying on God for strength.  Keep on keeping on.

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5 comments on “Progress Report – Stupid High Heels

  1. Vivienne says:

    Interesting post. I visited a friend’s house and saw a pair of his wife’s (fabulous) high heels lying in the hallway. I couldn’t restrain myself from looking at the size, and was surprised to find them the same size as my own.
    I didn’t dare to try them on. I respect my friend and his wife far too much. If I had been alone in the house, would I have maybe slipped them on, just to see? Maybe. Probably not, though.
    In an ideal future scenario I will tell them about my crossdressing, they will laugh and say they don’t care; they’ve already known for years, and then I will ask to borrow them and they will say yes. Realistically, this will never happen. I value my friendship with them both far more than the pleasure I would get from trying on a pair of shoes… no matter how fabulous.
    Vivienne.

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  2. Jared says:

    It’s all about understanding your triggers and altering thought patterns. Eventually, the urges start to come less frequently because you choose not to crossdress.

    The fact that you were able to disrupt the trigger by reminding yourself of the shame it brings is a big step.

    “Every time I walked past them my eyes were heavily drawn to them. I was upset with myself for being so attached to them. I don’t want to be. In my mind, I cursed them. ”

    The shoes probably triggered a fantasy that created a euphoric feeling. That’s what your addicted to.

    The shoes are not the problem. I hope you realize that. They are not something to be cursed, nor is a dress, or any other article of women’s clothing.

    There is nothing to be upset or ashamed about. The key is to realize that the shoes are a trigger, and to remind yourself that you are NOT your addiction. Your addiction is a result of a story from your childhood that may have involved pain, isolation, and suffering.

    What matters most is that when you see that pair of heels and feel an urge, you understand what’s happening. You grasp it, then realize that it’s not who you are, and that you always have a choice.

    I am now to the point where I laugh when I experience a trigger, because I know exactly what’s going on.

    Ask yourself “What else?” Meaning, what else can I do besides crossdress? Keep asking that question when you feel an urge.

    Your addict is going to poke and prod you, but eventually it will get weaker and weaker.

    I highly encourage you to dialogue with that voice telling you to crossdress. Tell that voice that your above that now. You’re a grown man, and you don’t have to react to your past anymore.

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the comment Jared. Yes at the time I was cursing the shoes, I knew that the shoes were harmless 🙂 It is my own perverted self and fantasies that I perhaps should have been cursing but the shoes were a trigger. Like you said, I had the trigger, but then i quickly remembered that’s not who I was anymore, and dismissed any more thoughts about it.

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  4. Kaitliana26 says:

    Wow! I can certainly relate to this posting of yours, Thorin!! Your overall description of the whole scenerio is quite vivid and accurate. . . and that’s putting it mildly!! : ) And yes, I’ve even had the same conflict – yes, with a pair of heels, though now that it’s cold, I tend to find myself doing the same with women’s boots. ___ I’ll be forthright with you, when you mentioned, “to think about the oddness of me as a grown man being utterly infatuated with fabric”. When I read that line, my flesh was crying out, saying, “How dare he say that it’s odd OR stupid for a man to have a love and an true appreciation with fabric!” ___ After a few seconds, I really had to let go of what I was allowing myself to believe!! You weren’t saying that to have an appreciation for fabric is demeaning and belittling for a man, but that you were allowing such an unimportant, inanimate, and material object to consume you to the point of inner turmoil was stupid.

    Thanks for the post; I found it comforting to see someone else describe the very same details of how easily I can become fixated on such things!

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  5. thorin25 says:

    That’s true, I wouldn’t want to be saying that men can’t appreciate fabric. I’m very against rigid gender stereotypes, but yes, your 2nd interpretation is more what I was going after.

    It’s funny how so many of us have similar experiences. It’s nice to know we are not alone 🙂

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