I believe that much of the desire to crossdress is about natural curiosity. This was the case for me, and I’m sure it is the case for many others as well. Growing up in our culture with its many gender stereotypes and gender divisions, we often wonder what it is like for the other side. Boys wonder what it is like to be a girl and girls wonder what it is like to be a boy. They are curious about the others’ different bodies. They are curious about the different things they get to do, and the different things they get to wear.
Even as adult men, many crossdressing desires are partly about curiosity.
What does it feel like to walk around in high heels? Is it hard or easy? Is it fun?
What does lipstick feel like on my lips?
What does it feel like to have earrings dangling on my ears?
What does it feel like to wear a skirt in the summer? Does it feel cooler?
What does it feel like to have the wind blow up the bottom of a dress?
What does eye makeup feel like on my eyes?
What does it feel like to wear a satin nightie to bed all night?
What does it feel like to have my legs shaved?
And so on….
But it can take on a deeper level as well (which can be more disturbing and damaging in your life).
What does it feel like to go out to eat with my wife dressed as her girlfriend?
What does it feel like to have sex with my wife dressed as a woman?
What does it feel like to have men notice my looks and have their eyes drawn to me?
What does it feel like to have a man flirt with me and tell me I am pretty?
And maybe not super common, but at least some crossdressers wonder – What does it feel like to have sex with a man dressed as a woman?
In some ways curiosity is a neutral thing, and even a good thing. God created us to have a sense of wonder and curiosity, to enjoy exploring his world. We long to learn new things, and experience new things. Curiosity is a very important thing. But curiosity can also be negative. If we do something sinful or harmful out of curiosity, than it is wrong. Curiosity not a bad thing in itself, but it led me to rationalize crossdressing.
The problem for me was 2-fold. First, I pretended to myself, basically lied to myself, saying that curiosity was the main reason I was crossdressing. But in reality, curiosity was only 5-10% of the reason I was doing it. How many times can I wear high heels and still attribute it to curiosity? I crossdressed hundreds of times, but still somehow tried to pin it on curiosity. It was more about sexual thrills, excitement at doing something forbidden, and wanting to be someone who I was not.
Second, I knew I believed crossdressing was wrong and harmful for many reasons, and yet I would use my curiosity as an excuse to give in to crossdressing. Ah, the power of rationalization. This would be bad even if 100% of the reason I wanted to crossdress could be attributed to curiosity. At times, I could think about my belief that crossdressing is sinful and displeasing to God, I could think about the danger of my wife or others seeing me crossdressed, I could think about how dirty and shameful crossdressing always made me feel afterward, I could think about how much of my crossdressing desires were based on jealousy, and yet I would let myself give in to crossdressing because of curiosity. All of those reasons not to crossdress didn’t matter, because I rationalized that since I was curious to know how a certain dress would feel on me, that it was okay. So so stupid and illogical.
A good lesson for me to remember is – “Curiosity killed the cat.” I must never again use curiosity as an excuse to do something I believe is wrong and harmful.