Recommend reading my friend’s post

I’ve been rereading some older posts by blogging friends who are trying to resist crossdressing.  I highly recommend this one called – “Ironing it out” – by Ikthys.  It is very well written, articulate, logical, and helpful.  Most of the post is an attempt to reason out why he believes crossdressing as an activity to be wrong.

He talks a lot about the social norms for gender expression in our modern culture, and clarifies some helpful thoughts about when we should or should not conform to unspoken norms in a culture.  I totally agree with him that the norms in our culture are unfair.  He says – “there are no clothes that are not women’s, but there are clothing articles that are specifically not men’s.”  And he argues, whatever you might personally believe about the morality of crossdressing, right now in our culture men crossdressing is still breaking the unspoken rules of gender expression.   I think Ikthys would like to see some changes in the unspoken rules of our culture, so that men have a wider variety of clothing to choose from and I hope for this as well.  But I think it is a dangerous thing for people like me to be the ones to try to gradually change those unspoken rules by what we choose to wear.  For me, wearing other types of clothing that right now are “just women’s clothing” is something that I would want to do for many more reasons, and much more passionate reasons, than simply just wanting to change the culture.  For people like me, it would not seem like a normal good thing, but it would seem like crossdressing, and I would end up in sexual addiction and personal identity confusion regarding my gender.  I also personally think that, even if some things should gradually change in our culture to make things more “fair” between men’s and women’s clothing choices, that it isn’t the end of the world if they do not.  Right now there are an extreme amount of differences between what women can wear and what men can wear, but I find those differences to be beautiful for the most part.  Men and women tend to be most attracted to what is different about each other, including different looks of clothing and make up.  So while I hope things gradually change, I don’t think it’s a pressing issue, and I would never want them to change too much from where they are at now.

The rest of his post is pretty straightforward and excellent.

I want to point out one more thing though, that is his comment in reply to “Steve” at the bottom of this post.  Here is part of it.

I feel that a man must express his gender within the clothing boundaries (and I think this is totally possible and not a profound burden). He can express the full range of “feminine” character traits without taking on the external persona of a woman. But once he does take on this persona, I believe he is no longer simply expressing and seeking to express “feminine character” (ex. gentleness, beauty, etc.), but actual “femaleness”, which is in fact foreign to him, confusing (and very potentially harmful) to others, and ultimately imbalanced. I don’t presume to know your life, but I do presume to view mine in this way.”

I think this is especially insightful.  For those of us struggling with crossdressing, we should concentrate on exhibiting traits which are good and human, even though the culture might term them “feminine.”  And we must avoid trying to be “female” which we are not and can never be.  For example, I am a man, body and soul, but the specific man that I am happens to be different from the traditional stereotype of a man in our culture, and more balanced between the extremes of masculinity and femininity.  Instead of crossdressing in an attempt at inner peace in my identity (which I think only brings confusion), instead I can embrace who I am as a man who happens to be more quiet, gentle, and compassionate, and who pays more attention to beauty.  (It is helpful to note that our culture’s definitions of masculinity and femininity may not line up very well with what the Bible says men and women are to be like).

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8 comments on “Recommend reading my friend’s post

  1. Kaitliana26 says:

    Excellent post!! These are DEFINITELY thoughts that have consumed me on endlessly!! I will admit, that certain sections brought up personal conflicts while reading it – that’s not to say that I believe differently! Infact, due to God’s Grace, ALONE. . . deep down, I know that everything that you’ve written is Christ-Centered. . .it describes the time, care, patience, love, etc. that He put into our uniqueNESS of our Genders! Though, at the very moment, I am more conflicted than I have been of late concerning my true identity. . . I still must press on, though. . .pray, lay my burdens before Him – ALL OF THEM, and truthfully – with all my heart…. continue to ask Him to change the parts of my heart that need change, even when I simply don’t give a damn. . . and admit all-the-more…. I CANNOT do it alone!! We have you, Jesus, for a reason… we were never meant to wander aimlessly! . . . You are our Hiding Place!!

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  2. thorin25 says:

    So where are you at right now in your feelings about gender and crossdressing? You seem to be very much in agreement with my posts, and yet you post with a female name. Just curious to know how you are doing. Praying for you

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  3. Kaitliana26 says:

    Thank you, Thorin! (The praying, your words, and you taking the step to ask me!) I’ll respond with the easy answer first: female name. It’s a name I had on an online game that I use to play, but I also adopted it to my email address. So it was an easy way of making a username on WordPress. Though I refuse to deny the fact that I also do have some conflict still with assuming a masculine name in situations like the internet.

    I’m a bit confused with what to say – but I’ll just give it a shot. About a month or two ago, I believe God spoke to me. . . saying SO tenderly, “I know that you know that this is all killing you. I’m not going to continue to allow you to keep yourself in such suffering. . . I want you to come home to me! I want you to be free of the pain, suffering, the tears, the envy, the contempt, the control, the obsessions, the compulsions, the panic that is tearing your heart to pieces! I love you!! I want you to come home. . . I want you to come home!”

    I have “tried” in the past – mainly through my own vain attempts to overcome this addiction – this distortion of femininity. Though I truly believed I was doing it through Jesus, though my flesh was very deceptive – along with Satan being the father of lies. I probably tried for two years, roughly, truly believing that I was making ground. And there was some ground covered, through the grace of God, but still, deep down, all along, I was still trying to hold onto it (the crossdressing, transgendered feeling). . . I was “mostly giving it up”, but in the long run, I wasn’t.

    Again, about 1-2 months ago, I knew God was saying, “Come home to me, my precious child”. About this same time, while at my churches’ bible study of sorts. . . I don’t remember where or what the main topic was on – in the bible – but that night as my pastor was talking, and what he was saying stuck me so! What he was talking about expressed – in such vivid and unbelievable detail – how TRULY compassionate and tender-hearted our Saviour really is!!

    As I mentioned in another comment – which this ALSO happened around the same time – I mentioned that I had recently seen how God was introducing healthy, bonding, relationships into my life, which I had been oblivious to this reality before any of this happened.

    Somewhere in all of this, I was starting to open up others about my feelings, my guild, my shame, etc. But knowing that when you need to have a friend that you can share anything with – in this case, especially to confess something. . . I had before all of this, rarely, if ever confessed or was truthful to others about anything that I NEEDED to say! And ever since I realized the power that God graciously gives us through this gift of being truthful and completely honest to others – through Him – I have been fighting much more so and more authentically for my freedom that He’s reminded me of.

    Through all of these blessings, and God softening my heart to accept them and act on them, more and more blessings and revelations of “Things to come” have been made know so continually! I was coming out of hiding, and I knew that He had instilled a desire in me to run to him – to run as far away from the hiding, and slowly but surely, heal up the wounds from never talking to others when I needed them most!

    Though, as I mentioned above, I’ve been more conflicted lately. Well, about a few weeks ago, I’ve noticed the intensity of fantasizing about anything feminine – whether distorted or not – or simply acting out on things, has become SO MUCH MORE graphic and potent than usual. And so, I have unfortunately, have become much more susceptible to ANY trigger! The only thing that I can seem to rationalize from this, is that I’ve been living under this for so long that internally, it’s life leaving a “place of safety” or something familial. At the same time, I can see where Satan – as well as my flesh – is quite ready to give it up… and that this is sort of like a “last desperate attempt”.

    Well, I’ll leave it with that for now, but PLEASE, continue to ask me ANYTHING?? I know that this stuff is killing me, and the more I share, the more it helps to desolve my default pattern – giving back into hiding from others, being terrified to be vulnerable to them, to be loved, accept their love without any hidden barriers that I have always put up to “protect myself from love”.

    Thank you for being SO encouraging, Thorin!! : )

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Thank you so much for your sharing your story. It sounds like quite a battle that has been raging in your recently. I’m not too worried about your female name on wordpress for now, we all have pseudonyms anyway, but you could think about changing it in the future, in case it is a trigger that is not helping you.

    I encourage you to keep reading my posts, and the other blogs I have linked to. Could you talk to your pastor about this? To have someone in real life that can encourage you and help you along?

    I want to see you win this “last desperate attempt” as you call it. I want to see you live in freedom and victory and not go back to the stuff that is killing you as you say. It seems so easy. Why not live in freedom and joy, rather than in despair and death? But of course I know from personal experience that it is not so easy, and that sometimes we long to choose what we know will ultimately hurt us and confuse us. So I will pray for you. You may want to check out my page about our “email prayer chain” as well. I will be praying, keep in touch!

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  5. Kaitliana26 says:

    (Quick note: Wow! I really have a ton of “typo’s” in my above comment! I hope that you were able to make sense of most of it, hehe ; )

    Thank you, I will certain keep in touch – I’ve definitely been drawn to this website! There’s too many things I’ve stumbled across on this website that’s SO NOT mere coincidence; God’s hand has certainly been at work in this, to say the least!

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  6. Kaitliana26 says:

    Oh, Thorin? I was in such a hurry originally when I first came to your site, and to communicate with you, that I created an account here on wordpress with “All Swiftness”. So, to put it simply, I’m a little confused about certain capabilities and ways of accessing things here at wordpress, and “How Things work” in general. One thing that I was wondering if you could help me with is: Is there a way that I can send you a personal message, “for your eyes only”? I’ve tried to figure it out, and I’m usually pretty good at figuring out completely for foreign-like things like this, but I’m pretty stumped.

    I certain understand that the whole point of this site – as well as other wordpress websites – are for posting and commenting out in the open for others’ mutual benefit, but not everything is necessarily for everyone to see. . . I don’t know, maybe I”m too use to facebook ; )

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  7. Kaitliana26 says:

    . . . Getting back to your reply. . .

    Concerning what you mentioned about my name: TRULY a good suggestion – with all sincerity! And I do truly appreciate it.

    Now, concerning your second paragraph: My pastor knows about “my stuff”, and we’ve gotten together a fair amount in the past, though not as much lately. I do have some good sources that I’m utilizing, currently. I have a Christian group that I go to for Men struggling with any/all kinds of sexual addictions, which is a weekly thing… that’s been extremely helpful at really helping me to open up and become more vulnerable to others going through similar addictions. It’s also been a great place to build some solid friendships! One of the best things that I think I can honestly say for the entire group that we get out of it, is being able to simply open up about the many things that we’ve gone through in our addictions, and that which we’re still going through.

    Also, all of the men in my church know about my addictions. In fact, one night, when we had one of our Bible studies my pastor asked me earlier in the day when we had meet up, to come out with all of my struggles to them all – which was really a very precious moment! And to my surprise, they all talked to me – one at a time – to say that they knew something wasn’t quite right with me. They were VERY TENDERLY supportive! They mentioned that they had all along had been praying for me, which was humbling! But it didn’t stop with that, again, they all talked to me individually to give me their “opinion” of me (I’m sure of the right word for it), and they all VERY SWEETLY told me that they really thought very highly of me, that they have been very impressed with certain qualities that I they said I possessed…. I was truly LAVISHED with love and affection!! I was speechless, truly! They had all sincerely lavished me with love and affection like that of our Saviour!!

    I have a few close friendships that I’ve made through this Men’s group I mentioned earlier, and it’s very helpful for keeping myself busy with something productive to not only myself, but to others when I’m either not working, or whatever. Plus I can usually get a hold of them pretty easily through texting.

    And lastly, I do have a Christian Therapist that’s actually associated with Exodus International that I see just about every week. And He specializes in those trying to get out of homosexuality, and though I’m not struggling with that, he was more than willing to see! And I actually came across him through my pastor. When my pastor first told me about him, he had just met him earlier in the day – I kid you not! And he was VERY impressed by his what he had to say, and what kind of doctrinal/Christian back round, that he suggested I give him a call that same day to meet with him. . . so yeah! : ) And in addition, I have recently started seeing a psychologist through a county-funded mental health facility – which I started going to see this psychologist to ultimately get connected with seeing a psychiatrist that can help adjust my medication. But for the moment, seeing this psychologist I can say with all certainty has been a blessing too! She’s not a Christian, but the Lord’s been working through her to help me delve deeper into the psychological side of things – which I have A LOT of mental-related struggles I go through.

    Oh, I forgot to mention, most of my family knows about my addictions – Immediate and non-immediate… as well as a fair percentage of the friends that I’ve made with in the last 5-6 years – a select few that I’ve known since 10-15 years back. Some know lesser and other more, of course, but yes. ( I know! It’s like. . .”Umm… so who doesn’t know??” Not too many, hehe.

    Thank you for your reading of my comments, your words of encouragement, your advice, your prayers…

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  8. thorin25 says:

    Wow you are certainly doing great things to get the help you need. And I thank you so much for sharing that story about your men’s group. I hope that a lot of people read that. The Church gets a lot of scorn in our society, and people tend to think Christians are only judgmental legalist hateful bigots, and as your post proves, a good many or most are not. What a beautiful view of the body of Christ, walking alongside you, and supporting you.

    As to contacting me privately, I will send you an email to the email address you made this comment with. And you can then email me back.

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