Something is puzzling me, and I don’t know if figuring it out would be helpful to understanding myself, and therefore be helpful in my healing and overcoming from crossdressing. So I’ll write about it, and you guys can tell me if you relate at all, or have any theories.
Growing up I was very afraid to get too close to femininity. It was a horrible feeling to have my mother or grandma or aunt kiss me on the cheek and get lipstick on me. I don’t remember a lot of other vivid examples, other than not wanting to ever wear clothing that was not 100% masculine.
The strange thing was that growing up and trying out lipstick while crossdressing was not scary at all. It was highly arousing and pleasurable. Why was that so different? Later, I even felt weird kissing my girlfriend (my wife) when she had lipstick on. I was uncomfortable doing so, and I think I even told her I’d rather kiss her when she wasn’t wearing it. I don’t know if fear was still the correct word, but discomfort at least. However, I’m ashamed to say, that didn’t stop me from wearing her lipstick on occasion later on once we were married.
Why the big contrast? I’m wondering if perhaps it was because of showing signs of femininity on myself in front of other people. Perhaps I was terribly self conscious to not let anyone see femininity in myself for fear of them finding out my secret. But I’m not sure that really works as a theory, as likely as it sounds, for 2 reasons. 1. Firstly, while as a child that makes sense, as an adult I am smart enough to realize that showing people I am overly paranoid of something actually points to a secret rather than covering it up. Being overly paranoid about appearing masculine is not a helpful strategy. So would that really be my motivation? 2. Secondly, as a child I didn’t even know that I desired crossdressing, other than having some dreams and daydreams about it. I never acted on them, and never actively felt like I desired feminine things or clothing or makeup. So why would I be afraid of feminine things before I even started crossdressing or knew about my crossdressing desires? I had no secret to hide.
One thing I will note is that since I have made much progress in my healing from crossdressing, I am not so afraid of feminine things in my real masculine self. I no longer have any fear of my wife getting her lipstick on me while we kiss. I no longer am afraid to wear clothing of various diverse colors, even purples and reds and so on. I no longer am afraid to wear clothing that actually fits, and is not super baggy. I’m not sure why these changes have occurred.
I’m rambling as I try to sort this out. Anyone have any thoughts?