Fearing femininity?

Something is puzzling me, and I don’t know if figuring it out would be helpful to understanding myself, and therefore be helpful in my healing and overcoming from crossdressing.  So I’ll write about it, and you guys can tell me if you relate at all, or have any theories.

Growing up I was very afraid to get too close to femininity.  It was a horrible feeling to have my mother or grandma or aunt kiss me on the cheek and get lipstick on me.  I don’t remember a lot of other vivid examples, other than not wanting to ever wear clothing that was not 100% masculine.

The strange thing was that growing up and trying out lipstick while crossdressing was not scary at all.  It was highly arousing and pleasurable.  Why was that so different?  Later, I even felt weird kissing my girlfriend (my wife) when she had lipstick on.  I was uncomfortable doing so, and I think I even told her I’d rather kiss her when she wasn’t wearing it.  I don’t know if fear was still the correct word, but discomfort at least.  However, I’m ashamed to say, that didn’t stop me from wearing her lipstick on occasion later on once we were married.

Why the big contrast?  I’m wondering if perhaps it was because of showing signs of femininity on myself in front of other people.  Perhaps I was terribly self conscious to not let anyone see femininity in myself for fear of them finding out my secret.  But I’m not sure that really works as a theory, as likely as it sounds, for 2 reasons.  1.  Firstly, while as a child that makes sense, as an adult I am smart enough to realize that showing people I am overly paranoid of something actually points to a secret rather than covering it up.  Being overly paranoid about appearing masculine is not a helpful strategy.  So would that really be my motivation?   2.  Secondly, as a child I didn’t even know that I desired crossdressing, other than having some dreams and daydreams about it.  I never acted on them, and never actively felt like I desired feminine things or clothing or makeup.  So why would I be afraid of feminine things before I even started crossdressing or knew about my crossdressing desires?  I had no secret to hide.

One thing I will note is that since I have made much progress in my healing from crossdressing, I am not so afraid of feminine things in my real masculine self.  I no longer have any fear of my wife getting her lipstick on me while we kiss.  I no longer am afraid to wear clothing of various diverse colors, even purples and reds and so on.  I no longer am afraid to wear clothing that actually fits, and is not super baggy.   I’m not sure why these changes have occurred.

I’m rambling as I try to sort this out.   Anyone have any thoughts?

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11 comments on “Fearing femininity?

  1. Kay Brown says:

    Thorin, this link might offer an insight here:

    http://www.avitale.com/MTFSexism.htm

    –Cloudy

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Cloudy, thank you for the link. Very interesting to read. I concur that much of that is truth. One only has to peruse a little bit of transgender or crossdressing fiction to see an overwhelming amount of sexist and disturbing gender stereotypes.

    For me personally, there may be some truth to this, especially when I was a child. I can’t really imagine myself being sexist in any particular ways or thoughts as a child or now, but perhaps I grew up being bombarded with unhelpful gender stereotypes and did have some sexism. Nowadays though, I think it’s quite the reverse.

    Although I am content as a man, and believe God wants me to live the way I am living, without crossdressing, I would have a tendency to worship women, or femininity. Part of me feels like I would love to be a woman. But I think that is another kind of sexism, thinking that being a woman is better than being a man, and that is not helpful either.

    Nowadays I champion the feminist cause, well rather, the Christian feminist cause, not everything that broad feminism calls for. I believe wholeheartedly in the equality of the sexes, and my wife would tell you I am anything but sexist.

    If that is true, and I am not deluding myself, and I really am not sexist, perhaps that would explain somewhat why I used to fear femininity, but do not have that fear any longer.

    Anyway interesting article. thanks!

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  3. Kaitliana26 says:

    As someone that currently struggles with crossdressing – among other things – I think I can piece a thing or two from your post. I certainly don’t claim to be an expert in psychology, though I’ve been exposed to it a lot, primarily from both sides of my family having a history of a lot mental and emotional “imbalance”, to put it mildly. This has led to a lot of personal researching in this area – through the internet, books, and many, many different therapists that I’ve had in the past. And lastly, I believe God has blessed me with an incredible gift of being able to “Read others” or “Sense their feelings”, whether it’s in person or through someone’s written words. _ _ _ Anywho, from this post of your and another one I read, I sense what seems like a fair amount of burying of your past – subconsciously – in an attempt to “Protect” yourself from any/all possible ways that you could have been “hurt”. I know that I, personally, have been doing this subconsciously for the majority of my life – which through God’s Grace, He’s revealed this of late to me! I could be off, but I’d like to at least give you something to consider. _ _ _ Before I continue, I wanted to respond to your first paragraph. YES!! I DO, INDEED believe that this something that can certainly bring about healing and understanding – though I’d certainly pray about this first. You definitely want to make sure your heart is right w/ Him on this first. But I do believe that if you’re truly seeking for the truth – w/ all sincerity and strength through Him, and Him alone – then He’ll bless you immensely through this with the proper support from others that are safe and close, and are also followers through the same mutual faith that drives you! Not to say that there won’t be any “Down” moments, or times of feeling like you’ve taken a serious step backwards. But one of the greatest desires Jesus longs for us is to restore us – and that includes things in our past that affect our present! _ _ _ I have to go for the time being, but I’d like to leave you with the name and the author of a book that has been VERY, VERY helpful for me, at least, in helping me to understand more deeply where a lot of where my “feminine” desires came about. The book is: Hiding From Love – John Townsend. I have been finding this to be a great addition to after reading books from author Denise Shick. Which from your website and the links I’ve seen, I have a feeling you’ve already read her books. I dearly hope this helps! : )

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Thank you for the book recommendations. Actually I have not read from either author. Looking up Denise I see she started Help 4 families, and I’ve read a bunch from their website, but none of her books. I already have a huge list of stuff relating to CD to read online, as well as books, but I can add them to my list and see if I get to them 🙂

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  5. kaitliana25 says:

    . . . to continue where I left off. . . I recommended John Townsend’s book, Hiding From Love, because for pretty much all of my life – or at least that which I can remember – I’ve always been extremely isolated, withdrawn and highly anxious about talking to others, socializing with others, living in extreme solitude, believing without a doubt that it was normal for most of my life. I’ve been pretty much a stereo-typical introvert. Self-esteem and my perceptions of my worth or value have always been highly in question! I’m in my mid-to-later 20s, and I’ve never been involved in a full-fledged romantic relationship. Isolation and being alone has become so ingrained in my life, where I’m at time terrified of even responding truthfully to a friend asking me, “How are you doing?” In addition, I’m so accustomed to being alone, that I usually prefer it hands-down to spending time with another/ others. . . but this book has definitely helped, through the grace of God, to open my eyes to questions: Why? How? When? Where? . . . I believe that this is one of the biggest “hurts” in my life that very neatly interwoven with my confusion, frustration, fear, unhappiness, unlove, associated with my struggles with continually questioning my gender identity – crossdressing, being one of my “Hiding patterns”.

    From what I’ve read in your section on “About Me”, this (All the above) doesn’t necessary sound like you, though, I think I can sense where some of this may be possible aspects into your past.

    Another thing I read about you in your “About Me” section, was that you mentioned that you’re a fairly deep thinker or someone with an analytical mind? Am I right? If so, that me!! I completely relate!! I’m analytical into the degree of OCD, literally. I’ve been diagnosed for it. You also mentioned being a sort of an “Idealist” – thought-wise, at least? That’s definitely me as well!!

    Now concerning your fear of lipstick. My intuitive mind is telling me that this fear of lipstick is similar in part, to two different experiences I’ve had in my life. The first part was in my preteens and before. Whenever someone use to come up and hug me – like a friend or family member(especially if they were older than me – like a parent) – I wouldn’t hug them back. I believe I was fearful of the “what ifs”, if I hugged them back. But mostly, I was fearful of them, I believe. Though, now that I remember, I did have serious communication issues and issues with feeling any emotion – it was as though I just didn’t have any to give, and I know, very deep down this troubled me greatly! ( I know that was probably a lot to process: ) _ _ _ Now the second part that I believe there may be a similar root cause is that I’m wondering if the lipstick is another component to envy with femininity. As though, it possibly disturbs you when a woman is wearing it, and you’re not. . . . Hmm. . . very interesting. I don’t know if that’s eye opening for you in any ways, but I hope so. ^_^

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Interesting thoughts, thank you for the comment. To some degree your introverted nature describes me growing up. I was the shyest kid I’ve ever met basically. But in high school God rocked my life, and filled me with joy, and my personality has steadily changed ever since. Being around people is easy now. I have a laid back confidence. And as a pastor I can preach with absolutely no nervousness or fear, and I was the last one anybody, including myself, ever thought would be able to do such a thing.

    Well part of my personality as a child was just normal, a neutral personality, different from other people but not bad, part of it was stifling, self conscious and not good. God set me free from that and I pray he does so for you as well. It sounds like you got a lot of help already from that book.

    I did have some similar experiences with hugging as a child, or perhaps I did. I’m not positive. All I know is that now, especially with family, I’m extremely huggy and touch feely. Perhaps again that is due to God changing my life.

    The envy piece could very well be part of the fear I was having. It’s all so complicated and interrelated.

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  7. Kaitliana26 says:

    Interesting you mention being introverted growing up and that that thankfully changed – which is fantastic!! Why is it interesting? Well, within literally the last month, I do believe God has shown me that, indeed, most of my life was “Introverted”. Though, I believe He’s been revealing that some time ago – I cannot really say when – probably within this year some time, He changed my heart in a way, where I was becoming miserable beyond belief with being isolated – though it was also probably about a month ago, that I even began to realize God’s intervention into my heart. So, in other words, I believe God was giving me a heart that was aching for change out of His tender love, compassion… and His unfathomable goodness, His Grace, to draw me out of wanting to hide as much! And again, with in this last month, my desire to be around people has taken a 180 turn! Though I do tend to default to hiding from a life-long habit w/ ease, but there’s also most of the time an unquenchable drive to not hide from others.. .. BTW, the “Hiding” was also, literally never realizing till of late, that I HAVE THE RIGHT to have my trouble, thoughts, feelings, joys, etc. shared and confessed with others!! Two mouths ago, I hadn’t even know that such a reality of being relational, developing healthy attachment with others ACTUALLY EXISTS!! : )

    One last thing – I swear – I’d love to comment on: “I’m extremely huggy and touch feely”. I LOVE that!!! Our world tends to distort the idea that having such a character trait as a man is “Inappropriate” or “Unmanly” – and those are the nicer one. But I truly believe that embracing that God-given gift is truly FABULOUS! I can see where that kind of character trait for a man can easily lead to idolizing femininity, if not properly checked and given to God. But still, I do believe that He has the power to take those frailties “parts” of a trait that can destroy us, and leave us with an undistorted & the original, beautiful trait that it was meant to be! Awesome!! : )

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  8. thorin25 says:

    Praise the Lord for what he is doing in your life right now.

    I should clarify. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being introverted. I still am in many ways. Extrovert and introvert are just different, not better than each other. It’s just that my introvertedness and shyness was to such a degree that it was paralyzing, and made me lonely and self conscious, etc. And that’s not good. So while I say God changed my personality, my personality still leans the same ways, but now its a much healthier type of that personality than it used to be.

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  9. Kaitliana26 says:

    I couldn’t agree more. If I’m not mistaken, being Introverted – in itself doesn’t mean isolated and completely alone – . . . I should say, one of its healthy characteristics is loving to have close relations with others, but usually fewer at one setting, as opposed to having a healthy desire to be surrounded by many people at once who can also be in close relation with you as well. . . . So if that’s correct, than both are absolutely healthy and productive.

    I was fairly certain I knew what you meant before you gave this last reply, but all the same, thank you for your clarification. It was quite considerate of you to do so. : )

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  10. ikthys says:

    One potential “harmony” (to borrow from the old seminary…) of the aversion to lipstick and the desire to wear it is that the desire or attraction to femininity is “buried” and maintained as separate from core identity. It’s not to hide crossdressing, but to hide femininity, which actually can be a root cause of crossdressing, as a route of release to all the taboo feelings… So one doesn’t cause the other so much as a general issue being manifest in two ways- a public protection of one’s shred of masculine self image (which is even threatened internally by one’s own thoughts) and a private expression of one’s own femininity (or femininity according to one’s understanding of femininity I should say). Good post.

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  11. Jared says:

    I might be one of the few crossdressers who has never worn makeup. I personally think it’s unnatural and is actually one of the turnoffs. I don’t even like it on women

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