Don’t force your wife to act as a lesbian

I am frustrated with myself and other crossdressers for expecting or even just hoping for our wives to act as lesbians.  If you are a Christian and believe homosexual behavior is sinful, than trying to get your wife to act this way with you (while you are crossdressed) is just utter perverse debauchery.  I refer to crossdressing during sex, but also crossdressing at all in your wife’s presence.  She married a man, and wanted marital companionship with a man.  If you are one of those crossdressers who says they are a part-time man, and when crossdressed, just act as a womanly friend of your wife, than you are still cheating your wife, in my opinion.  You are supposed to be spending time with your wife as a husband, not a part-time girlfriend.  You are forcing your wife to enjoy part of her marital intimacy in a lesbian way.

Furthermore, even if you think homosexual behavior is not immoral, surely you must realize that not all people are homosexual.  Forcing someone to live in a pseudo-lesbian relationship with you while you are crossdressed, that is still fundamentally messed up.  If you are unwilling to give up crossdressing, so be it, but don’t force your wife into situations that she is not suited for, uncomfortable with, or thinks are immoral for her.

This is a subject that makes me very uncomfortable, and personally uncomfortable as well, as there was at least one point in my marriage where I had hopes for my wife to be attracted to me while I was crossdressed.  I hoped that she had subconscious lesbian feelings.  I even talked with her about the idea.  I feel more shame about that than I do about any of my crossdressing.  Instead of loving and serving my wife, I had hoped to bring perversity into our marriage.  Maybe that conversation happened only once, but I will never forget it.  I was an idiot.

One thing that amazes me connected to this subject is how many wives or girlfriends tolerate crossdressing, and they then say that they have become lesbian or bisexual and learned how to live with their crossdressed or transsexual spouse.  Trust me there are plenty out there.  Articles, news articles, and blogs reveal relationships like this all the time.  In a culture that says homosexual attraction is not a choice, it’s interesting how many women have sexual feelings that change when their husband starts living part-time or full-time as a woman.  I am not sure how the general culture make sense of this sexual fluidity.  It seems like stories of this nature are celebrated even though they seemingly go against the arguments that our sexuality cannot be changed.  Personally, I think homosexual attraction in some ways is not a choice.  We don’t choose to be predisposed to those kinds of attractions or not.   But I also believe that all of us can slowly change and learn new sexual feelings and attractions, even if it takes a lifetime of work.   We can learn to desire what God wants us to desire.  And we can learn to desire new things that God does not want us to desire.   That’s why I think so many people who become sexually deviant in one area, learn to be sexually deviant in other areas as well.  They experiment and try new things and learn to enjoy other types of sexual desire.

Okay, getting off topic.  I’d like to challenge us, those of us who are Christians, those who think giving in to homosexual behavior is sinful, to treat our wives in a more godly way.  Don’t expect her to become your lesbian lover.  Don’t expect her to be okay with trading her husband for a pretend wife.  Most of us I guess would not “force” our wives into anything like this.  But don’t try to manipulate her into it either, and in fact, let’s not even try to talk her into it.  It’s true that your wife would technically still be loving you, a man, and not another woman.  But why would we want to talk our wives into acting out lesbian feelings in her heart and mind?  I have made a commitment to never ask my wife such a thing again, and I hope all of you will make a similar commitment.

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5 comments on “Don’t force your wife to act as a lesbian

  1. Robyn P. says:

    Trying to bring crossdressing into the bedroom when a wife objects or is reluctant is controlling, abusive behavior. It shows how self-centered and narcissistic crossdressing can become if we let it. If crossdressing becomes all-consuming, it warps and distorts what it means to be a husband. When we think that sex and gender are fluid concepts, then that means the concepts of being a wife or a husband are fluid. But they are not… One of the husband’s roles is to be the bedrock of the marriage and the family. Bedrock is not fluid.

    I disagree with not talking about it though. I think it needs to be talked about in a non-threatening, non-controlling manner. If it is NOT discussed, the wife will be wondering when or how the subject will be brought up. She may worry that if it isn’t being discussed, she might wonder if “relief” is being sought elsewhere. Silence about crossdressing has no place in a marriage.

    And if a crossdresser is not married, they should feel morally obligated to disclose everything about their crossdressing very early in the relationship.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Great comment Robyn, and I’m glad you are making me clarify. I do agree completely that it SHOULD be talked about. I did not mean to say that crossdressing should not be talked about. I meant it shouldn’t be talked about (the husband trying to talk the wife into letting him crossdress in the bedroom). That conversation is one that never needs to be had. However, to talk about his crossdressing struggle in general, yes that is a must!

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  3. Ralph says:

    Nothing useful I can add to this that Thorin and Robin didn’t already state beautifully. I have seen numerous forum comments elsewhere in which the “husband” gloated over how he had intimidated his wife into accepting not only the crossdressing but the faux lesbian relationship, insisting that she call him by his “femme” name (how I hate that expression) even during sex. It disgusts me beyond the ability to express myself.

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  4. Michael26 says:

    By the way, Thorin… a truly fabulous post!

    I thought I’d mention something that came to my mind when I read this, something I thought that others could relate to – those that struggle with CDing and/or transgenderism.

    You were more or less stating that you believe homosexuality isn’t an acceptable lifestyle through Scripture.

    Well, I think one thing that is SO deceptive – at least I’ve fallen for this lie many times, and I still struggle with this one – that “Homosexuality is sinful for men, but it cannot be for two women to participate in”. This is something that I think can easily eat away at men – with envy and contempt. It’s SO deceptive! And it doesn’t even need to be for a man that’s struggling with CDing. I think there are plenty of men that are Christians that have a hard time “digesting” the truth that when God points it out clearly that homosexuality is sinful… it’s sinful ANYWAY you look at it!

    Thanks Thorin : )

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  5. thorin25 says:

    You are most welcome, thank you for all your comments and encouragement 🙂

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