The Good in Crossdressing

I have to admit that when I think about crossdressing, I can come up with certain good qualities about it.  This may surprise you to hear me say this.  But it’s true.  And these good qualities have often been the things that trip me up and get me to rationalize giving in to behavior that I ultimately believe is sinful and still harmful.

First, let’s look at the good qualities.

1.  Creativity – There is definitely an artistry to crossdressing.  There is even acting involved.  You shape your body a certain way, you pick out clothes, you put makeup on your face, and maybe even choose a wig and hairstyle.  This takes talent, skill, and design.  In a sense you are creating something which was not, and making it to exist.  We get our creativeness from God.  He is the creator, and we long to create things as He did.

2.  Learning about women in our culture – If you crossdress a certain way in a particular culture you learn about the experiences of women in that culture.  Some of the things are very superficial, such as learning what it feels like to wear a skirt or to walk in high heels.  These superficial things can give you appreciation and patience for what women do to look good.  Or conversely, (as I’m trying to do), it will help you to not push women in your life to do all the unnecessary (sometimes painful or time consuming) things to try to look good.  Furthermore, if you manage to pass in public as a woman, you may experience firsthand how women are treated.

3.  Camaraderie – I have not experienced it, but perhaps friendships are born between crossdressers as they crossdress, disguise themselves together, and go out in public together.  And friendship and camaraderie are good things.  Perhaps even this camaraderie could be with the crossdresser’s wife.  I have read rare cases of spouses enjoying this activity together.

 

Okay, you could potentially add a few more things.  Now of course, I’d want to clarify these things more and explain why they aren’t as good as they might seem.  But that’s not really the point of this post.  Let’s just pretend that all of those are perfectly good things and the results of the activity of crossdressing.  Does that make it okay?  No.  There are tons of reasons why I think it is sexually perverse, a confusion of identity, an addiction, a betrayal in marriage, furthering the objectifying of women, a confused way to try to meet unmet emotional needs, disobedience to God’s commands, etc. etc.   You can read my other posts.

Just because an activity has certain good merits, doesn’t make it a good activity overall.  You can have camaraderie with a fellow thief, but that doesn’t make stealing okay.  You can be creative in making porn films or in planning to commit adultery, but it doesn’t make those things okay.  You can buy a prostitute and learn about her difficult experience through your time with her, but that doesn’t make it okay.  You can find a little nugget of truth or light in almost any book or movie ever made.  But that doesn’t mean we should read or watch any book or movie.  There are a lot of movies and books that are 99% trash and not worth watching.  They will only rot our souls.

 

My point is that even if something has little hints of goodness, it doesn’t make that thing good.  Pretty much anything you can think of has little bits of goodness, including the most horrendous atrocities and evils committed in the history of this world.  Likewise, I do not believe crossdressing is a harmless good activity just because of these little nuggets of goodness I have mentioned.

The problem is that these good qualities make crossdressing so enticing and deceptive.  When we are drawn to it, we focus on these good qualities, and we ignore the bad qualities.  And then we give in to crossdressing in the heat of the moment, and regret it later.

This is why I’m drawn to crossdressing fiction stories that have nuggets of goodness.  They don’t seem quite so bad if the husband and wife are not abusive to each other but actually love each other.  My dreams about crossdressing that I unfortunately have once in a while, don’t seem as bad if my wife is lovingly encouraging the activity in the dream.  But it doesn’t make the dreams or reading the stories good, just because there are a couple aspects of good in the stories.

This is why people are drawn to fornication.  It seems good.  It seems better than total promiscuity.  And the love between the two people is good, so they conclude that the fornicating is good.  But the fornication is still not good, even if the love they share is good.  This is why people are drawn to adultery.  It seems good.  The non-spouse is showing love and affection the person hasn’t received in 10 years.  It’s good love and affection that they need to feel good about life.  But that good affection doesn’t make the adultery okay and good.

 

We must be on our guard especially when crossdressing seems so good and appealing.  Think back to the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve.  They ate the fruit even though God specifically told them not to do it.  Why?  The fruit was good to the eye!  Genesis 3:1-6 –

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”  The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”  “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”    When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

And later, verse 13 –  Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”  The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

You see?  Satan tempted Eve and Adam to sin.  How did he do it?  He took something forbidden and showed them a little bit of the goodness about it.  They fixated on the goodness of it, its desirability, its pleasing look to the eye, the knowledge it would produce, but they ignored the command of God to not eat of it.

Satan and his demons are using the same strategies today.  We must be on our guard.  We must look at the whole nature of an activity, and not be deceived.  Yes, crossdressing has a couple good qualities, but as a whole it is not a good activity.  Here are some other Scripture passages on this same theme of being deceived and things appearing good.  Please read them all slowly and carefully.  Meditate on them.  They are interesting and powerful.

 

Matthew 7:15Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.

2 Corinthians 11:3 –  But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.

2 Corinthians 11:13-15 –  For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. 14 And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. 15 It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.

John 8:44You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

1 Timothy 4:1Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons.

Colossians 2:8See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.

Ephesians 6:11Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

Revelation 12:9And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.

2 Peter 2 – But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves. Many will follow their depraved conduct and will bring the way of truth into disrepute. In their greed these teachers will exploit you with fabricated stories. Their condemnation has long been hanging over them, and their destruction has not been sleeping.

13 They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done. Their idea of pleasure is to carouse in broad daylight. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their pleasures while they feast with you.  14 With eyes full of adultery, they never stop sinning; they seduce the unstable; they are experts in greed—an accursed brood! 15 They have left the straight way and wandered off to follow the way of Balaam son of Bezer, who loved the wages of wickedness. 16 But he was rebuked for his wrongdoing by a donkey—an animal without speech—who spoke with a human voice and restrained the prophet’s madness.

17 These people are springs without water and mists driven by a storm. Blackest darkness is reserved for them. 18 For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of the flesh, they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error. 19 They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for “people are slaves to whatever has mastered them.” 20 If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and are overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. 21 It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them. 22 Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.”

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14 comments on “The Good in Crossdressing

  1. Don says:

    I agree that to the male crossdresser, the seemingly good is a high that cannot be surpassed by anything else in their life. Nothing comes close. That is OUR good but not anyone else’s that we know.

    Nothing is good unless it can have the light of day shined upon it. Can you tell your family, friends and neighbours that you crossdress and would they be happy for you that you can experience such a high. Some may accept you, yes, but won’t they still think you are weird. Would they want their friends to know you.

    Certainly no wife really wants this. Unless they knew about it before you were married, they got married because they wanted a man and this changes everything. Even if they accept it, their family and friends will not and they have to deal with those relationships.

    If you don’t pass in public, can you go out and not worry about yourself. When I was living full time as a woman I had no problem passing, but I was still contantly looking around with my eyes and always thinking if anyone noticed. It’s a lot more stressful than being out in public like you are normally used to.

    I don’t ever buy the theory that it’s everyone elses fault that we are not accepted by society. Crossdressing is unatural and people instinctively have feelings about it.

    I will say though that may change soon, especially if the Supreme Court rules for same sex marraige. If that happens, the walls will come tumbling down and people will feel that it is OK to do whatever they want sexually and it will be acceptable.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Don, good words.

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  3. Ralph says:

    You make some good points, Don, but whether society finds what one does acceptable isn’t an argument I can go with. Most of society objects if we pray aloud in public or put up religious symbols where everyone can see them (particularly on state-owned property) — does that make it wrong?

    I wouldn’t go out in public wearing my (designed for men) pajamas; if I did people would certainly think I’m weird and my wife would certainly not enjoy it and I could even risk physical abuse beyond the inevitable mockery. Does that mean it’s wrong to wear my pajamas at home?

    Likewise, if you’ll pardon a more vulgar comparison, the things I do in my bathroom are extremely private — the act of relieving myself, my process of cleaning up afterwards, etc. I would rather die a thousand times over than ever do any of that in front of someone else… does that make it wrong?

    Finally, what about biblically-approved, socially acceptable sex with my wife? Again, there’s no way in the universe I would ever allow anyone else to witness this, and I suppose I have a mild preference to experience our passion in the dark rather than bright light. Does that make it wrong?

    So, no — I don’t buy into “if you are afraid to do it in public it is wrong to do it at all” argument.

    See how I cleverly argue against the pro-crossdressers in one post and against the anti-crossdressers in another post? It’s my ministry 🙂

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Nice Ralph. And that is something I don’t mind and actually appreciate. You don’t just spam your views but actually engage with what I’m writing about and what we are discussing. I wish more crossdressers would come here and do the same.

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  5. Matthew says:

    Ralph,

    I appreciate where you are coming from and agree with you to some extent; however, I read Don’s post differently.

    If we take the examples that you provided and instead of acting on them in a public arena, simply related the activities to friends, family, or whoever, no one would even really care. “I woke up this morning in my pajamas, prayed, went to the bathroom, and later I had sex with my wife”. This statement would not raise the eyebrows of others. Conversely, if you relayed the following: ” I woke up this morning in my pajamas, prayed, went to the bathroom, put on a dress and pantyhose, did my make-up, put on a wig and high heels, and later had sex with my wife” the reaction would be very different. I agree that this would partially be due to a shock of unexpectedness. But even after that recedes, the judgments of others would remain.

    I don’t think Don was stating that these actions were only acceptable if you were able to perform them in public w/out backlash. Rather, shining light on these would mean to admit them in public. And I think that Don’s arguments hold weight. Ultimately, however, the reason that I feel it is wrong to do is not based on the thoughts or judgments of others, but rather God.

    Don, please correct me if I misinterpreted your post.

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  6. Don says:

    Ralph,

    I really appreciate your interest in my response and it’s good for us to talk about this. Thorin, thanks for having this forum.

    “So, no — I don’t buy into “if you are afraid to do it in public it is wrong to do it at all” argument”

    You might be misunderstanding me. That is not what I meant. I meant, if you afraid to have people KNOW you do something in private, it is probably wrong to do it at all. There are many things we do in private that is inapropriate to talk about or do in public that is normal to do. Would you like all your neighboors and relative to know you crossdress?

    One point I would like to make is that there are a lot of reasons why we have God’s laws, and all of them are to protect us from harm. I can’t think of any that are arbritary, they are all for our own good. If we crossdress at home, it is very addictive, wearing pajamas or relieving ourselves or having sex with your wife in private is not. People know that you do those things in private. We all know what crossdressing does. When I was young I only did it in private, but when I inevatably got caught because I needed it more and more, my wife was very upset.

    It caused a divorce and two children to be separated from their father except weekends. I could not even get joint custody because back in the 80’s a judge would most likely decide in the mothers favor as soon as she brought up the CD issue. I might not be able to see them at all if I objected legally to the limited visitation that I had.

    Later when I got older (in my 60’s) it got so bad that I thought I was a late-onset transsexual, I left my second wife to live full time, take hormones and begin transition until I came to my senses. Ralph if you are younger than me, this is what will happen to you, or a least you will be so conflicted mentally that your quality of life takes a dump because you are so miserable that you are not living as a woman. It happens to most crossdressers.

    There are many men out there, you see them all the time on the internet that are single. That is mostly because they were divorced because of crossdressing or never got married so they could do whatever they want. I knew two of them who I was living with when I was living full time last year. They have no friends and they hardly ever go anywhere, they are so isolated. I knew them both from the internet, and I convinced one to move down to Florida from Cleveland in the other’s house and we lived together. They keep their bodies shaved and are afraid to make friends or get to close to anyone for fear of rejection. We would go out once a week to a friendly bar and that was the entertainment for the week. They were not passable so they did not go anywhere else enfemme. Being isolated and not experiencing the love of a wife or others is not good for us.

    So that is why crossdressing is not good, even if no one knows about it. Everyone knows you wear pajamas and defacate and have sex with your wife in private, they would think something is wrong with you if you did not. If you can’t tell people what you do, it is because you don’t want them to know, because you are ashamed, so any thing that you are ashamed of is probably not good for you. You can come up with some senarios of where I am wrong, it’s the principle that I am talking about and not contrived situations.

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  7. Ralph says:

    Fair enough, Don. I could only respond to the specific examples you cited which involved doing things in front of others, but your comments make more sense in the context of discussing them with others. I still would not at all be comfortable going into details with my friends about the exact activities I perform in my bathroom functions, but that’s a trivial distinction.

    Now having said all that, you’re right: I would not at all which to even hint at what I prefer to wear at home, but not because I am ashamed of it or I believe what I wear at home is wrong. Instead, I am painfully aware of the stigma associated with nonconventional dressing (and by the way, I just wear the clothes — don’t go in for wigs and makeup and breast forms and the like). It took me nearly 20 years to understand what I do and why I do it, and to accept that I am neither gay nor do I wish to be a woman. If it took me that long, how much longer could friends accept it when they don’t have to experience what I live through?

    I see the crossdressing as a stumbling block to my brother. Bringing it up would only cause division and anger, and not produce any fruit. Over time — years, perhaps — a few might come to understand what I do and why I do it, but in the process I would lose relationships I value far more than I value acceptance.

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  8. Don says:

    Ralph, thanks for your response. I never thought what I was doing was wrong either and I was not ashamed, just afraid of what other would think. For me I could not stand seeing a man dressed as a woman in the mirror, so I had to go all the way. Even when I was crossdressing in secret while living with my wife, I kept all my body hair off, which she was very unhappy about. I guess we all have different degrees of addiction to crossdressing at different times in our life.

    Telling other people and their reaction is unpredictable. I would not tell people that don’t know me very well , but you would be surprised at how people that love you react.

    Two years ago, when I was separated from my wife because I could not resist the temptation to live as a woman, she was alone with very dear friends and broke down and told the friends about my crossdressing.

    The reaction was positive in that the couple did not disown me but just wished that I would get better and stop crossdressing. I decide then to tell two other dear couple friends and the same thing happen, with one couple saying that they loved me either way but did not want to see me as a woman and one approving and wanting to see Donna and the woman even offering to help me.

    It was a great relief to let it out regardless of the consequences. Love me as I am with all my faults as I have loved others.

    Now that I am healthy again and not tempted to crossdress for a year and a half due to the drug that I am taking, my friendships are not only intact, but it is great to know that they know my darkest secret and still love me. The friendships are even deeper than before.

    There are others that the truth had not worked out so well though. Both my adult children have rejected me. My son will not talk to me, and has me blocked on his phone and e-mail. My daughter had not talked to me for over a year and told me to respect her wishes of not contacting her. I did get a card (I was thrilled) for Fathers Day just this month so there is hope.

    Years ago, I told my parents and they both denied any culpability even though my mother dressed me up as a girl (she denied that she did it) and then proceeded to bury it as though I never told them.

    I think the bottom line is if they really love you and would miss you because you are a great person, they come around. Of course if it affects them negatively, then you will be rejected. That’s just my experience and no rule, I don’t pretend to know everything.

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  9. Dramaking55 says:

    Don, I can totally identify with what you are saying and maybe there is something to the as we get older we progress (I just turned 58). I know that when I was out there as vicki I had some embrace me and some reject me. As I started to get into recovery (early 40’s) I realized that bringing things out to the light meant a lot of healing. Now my life is pretty much an open book but that is almost 20 years later. The thing that just kills me is the fact that I can be sober and just like any other addict all it takes is that “one drink”. and I am back in no time. I would love to say that my growth such as it is has been steady upwards lol but we both know the truth. For me it has been a series of starts and stops, slips, trips, and falls. I still also go to my same church and hang with the people who may have seen me as vicki or at least know my story and it has been a good thing for the most part. There are still times when I will wonder whether somebody saw me as I acted out in the same area for about 2 years. I have regrets that I allowed satan to control my life for so long but once I found some brothers that I could connect with life has been pretty good for 3 years now.
    This group has been a great help also because I get to share my experiences with like minded individuals and so I know I am not alone. Keep coming back till the miracle happens!

    Andrew

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  10. robmilliken says:

    Hi Don I can definately relate to your struggles with your Mom. Mine deliberately dressed me in hers and my sisters clothes on and off from age 5-7. Naturally whenever my Father wasn’t around as he was a Nike missile site radar tech with the VA National Gaurd in the early 60’s. It was her habit to either coax or sometimes force me to play dress up while she called me her “little sissy”.Twenty years later I began to ask her questions you know, all the where’s, who’s, and why’s? For example showing up at 1st grade having no idea that boys stand to urinate!
    Like your Mom Don, mine of course has doggedly denied any duplicity whatsoever. Until 2006 when she finally decided to admit to teaching me how to paint my nails and apply lipstick. Though I didn’t get the full confession I thought I deserved at least I knew I hadn’t conjured it up in my imagination as my father had once accused me of doing. The only reason that my Mother confessed was because she lived under my roof for awhile after my father died. And she witnessed firsthand the stress and pain cd’ing was causing in my marrige. In my early years I was strangely grateful that my Mom had made a sissy of me because my eyes, heart, and mind were being veiled by satan. But by ’06 I had begun to hate mom not so much for what she made out of me, but rather the truth of her own sin that was hidden from me! Fast forward to just 6 months ago when Jesus rescued me from the depths of cd related sexual depravity. And in rededicating my life to Him, the Holy Spirit has impressed upon me that I have to forgive my Mother in God’s love as He so mercifully forgave me. Obviously I could spend this afternoon reciting scripture to back this up. But on a helpful note Don, if you’re into Christian music try listening to a song called “forgiveness” by Matthew West. God spoke to me through the song, maybe it might help you too? You’re in my prayers brother!
    Rob

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  11. Don says:

    Rob,

    I was able to forgive my mom and dad and that is one thing that needs to be done for healing. When I said that my parents denied any fault in my crossdressing, it was after I wrote them a long letter, listing the things they had done. I was abused by my father also many times.

    It was not until I wrote the letter that I felt healed from the abuse even though the denial. It did not cure me of crossdressing at the time but I was able to forgive them and I proved that by taking care of them during their last years of live.

    Don

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  12. donotunderstand says:

    So why is cross-dressing Sinful / evil / wrong?

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  13. thorin25 says:

    That’s a great question, and I’ll try to answer briefly. But please realize that it’s a hard one to answer simply because I think there are many reasons that it is wrong or harmful, and much of the 159 posts on my blog here explain in more detail my views on this matter.

    First, I think God condemns it in the Bible. In the passage Deuteronomy 22:5, which I talk about here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/deuteronomy-225/. Further, it goes against the Bible’s view of God creating us as men and women. Crossdressing blurs these lines in deceptive messed up ways. Over and over the Bible affirms sex differences. And even the cultural norms for gender differences and dress are commanded to be kept up in places like 1 Corinthians 11.

    Second, I think crossdressing and transgenderism both come partly out of us not feeling like we fit in with the stereotypes of gender in our culture. Crossdressing or sex changes are not a healthy response. Instead we should learn to be content as the men that we are, even if we are not exactly the same as other men. Along with this, crossdressing is not just sexual, or just about identity. There are emotional needs people are trying to meet with pieces of fabric. We need to get those emotional needs really met in real healthy ways, not through physical objects.

    Third, crossdressing is essentially narcisstic and being in love with oneself. It is full of vanity, self obsession, self sexual love, and often involves addiction and isolation. https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/crossdressing-can-become-idolatry/
    It replaces a real spouse with yourself, and I believe there is something of that going on whether or not crossdressing is still sexual. This article explains these things well – http://www.tbuckner.com/TRANSVES.HTM

    Fourth, crossdressing is fundamentally sexist and it objectifies women. I talk about that here among other places – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/crossdressing-is-like-pornography/

    Fifth, crossdressing is all about envy, which is both unhealthy and sinful, https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/crossdressing-is-about-envy/

    Sixth, our wives didn’t want to marry women. And furthermore, crossdressing gets in the way of a healthy marriage almost always.

    Seventh, it’s been proven that crossdressing, even as a sexual fetish, often leads people to get sex changes down the road. Some transgendered people feel the desire for that from childhood, others, crossdressers, get there later after their feminine identity has become so enfused in their lives.

    Eighth, crossdressing is a self delusion. It’s ugly and offensive. It’s deceptive. It’s a false reality.

    Ninth, the very fact that crossdressers say that they “need” it and can’t healthily “live without it” I think proves that this is not a simple hobby. There are psychological issues involved. Things are wrong and messed up. No one should “need” to pretend to be someone else, or dress up in particular types of clothing in order to not be depressed. There are emotional issues and psychological issues that need to be addressed. Feeling this kind of attachment to clothing is not healthy.

    I have other reasons as well, and lots of posts that flush out these arguments in much more detail. Here you can see a list of my posts if you want to read more – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/most-important-posts/

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  14. Damaking55 says:

    Donotunderstand, I appreciate your question and as you will find as you look around this site there is a tremendous amount of information both in the posts as well as the comments of others. I myself struggled with the question for many years because there is only 1 verse in all 66 books of the bible that addresses the subject of cross-dressing. But over the years I have come to the realization that if I wanted to have real relationship with Jesus Christ and all the joy that it brings than the 2 are diametrically opposed to one another. When I was dressing I didn’t have that JOY or the PEACE or feel that communion. It was simple but not easy and as you look around here you will find others that have faced that same struggle.
    All I can tell you is that if you found your way here then there is a reason and perhaps that reason is to rid yourself of cross-dressing and to be with people who fully understand where you are and want to support you in recovering from this addiction.

    Welcome and blessings

    Andrew

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