Get a Hobby

One of the important things to do, (that can easily be overlooked), when giving up a crossdressing alter ego, or crossdressing addiction, is to get some new hobbies.  Let’s face it, crossdressing was a huge part our lives.  For some of us, our crossdressed self was a person that we looked at as a friend, or spouse.  I never went that far and I have trouble seeing how one could not see the utter psychological confusion of that, but sinful addictions have a way of clouding our judgment.  Even for me, I falsely rationalized my crossdressing behavior more times than I can count, even though my thoughts were sheer nonsense and illogical.

Anyway back to the point, giving up this alter-ego, or giving up just the addiction and obsession of crossdressing, it’s a really big deal.  If you truly give it up as well as the crossdressing websites and shopping for clothes, and hanging out with crossdressing friends, you suddenly have a lot more empty free time.  And if you give up the crossdressing thoughts and planning and fantasies, then you suddenly have a lot less you desire to think about or enjoy thinking about.

Something has to fill the void that crossdressing leaves.  And for some of you it might be so depressing and difficult and mournful to give up your crossdressing, that you need some good positive things in life to lift your spirits, give you joy, and/or fun.  Further, if you aren’t going to fall back into temptation, you will need some healthy distractions in life.  The times we are most prone to failure and giving back in to temptation is when we are bored and have nothing else to do.

So I suggest finding new hobbies and activities.  Be very very purposeful about it.  Try new things.

  • Call up some friends.
  • Join a community group.
  • Volunteer at a homeless shelter.
  • Pull out the old board game you haven’t played in a while.
  • Learn to take walks.
  • Play a sport with friends.
  • Watch movies with your wife.
  • Visit your grandparents.
  • Read books about theology, engineering, biology, novels, etc.
  • Learn a new language.
  • Practice playing an instrument.
  • Collect stamps or baseball cards.
  • Write a book or design a game.
  • Find a new strategy video game.
  • Go out for a beer once a week with friends and talk about your lives.
  • Do a surprise date for your wife.
  • Learn how to bake a cake or cook a Chinese dish.

Think about other things that you used to do and have a lot of fun doing, that you haven’t done for a while.  Start doing them and fill up that empty time with good productive things that stimulate your mind, work out your body, or give you joy.  You won’t then have the boredom to have you mind drawn back to crossdressing.  And as you grieve and mourn the pleasure you miss, you will have something else that is giving you joy and pleasure in a healthy way.

Let me put another spin on this.  I have often argued that part of our motivation for crossdressing is that we feel stifled by the gender stereotypes in our culture, and we feel we can’t be ourselves unless in a dress.  To fight back against this, we need to embrace the real kind of man that we are instead of dividing our personality into male and female personas.   So if you are going to embrace a new hobby, maybe it’s time to embrace a new hobby that fits with the more feminine aspects of yourself that you have been suppressing.

  • Are you more verbal than the average man?  Maybe now is the time to begin a mentoring relationship or spend more time hanging out with friends having good discussions.
  • Are you more into dancing than the average man?  Learn how to do a new dance, and learn it with your wife.
  • Are you more drawn to beauty than the average man?  Learn how to paint or sculpt and make that beauty yourself, or go shopping with your wife and pick out beautiful clothes for her to wear, and beautiful male clothes for yourself.
  • Are you more sensitive than the average man?  Watch some chick flicks without shame and let the tears out.
  • Are you more gentle and nurturing and loving of children than the average man?  Spend some time babysitting, volunteering in the church nursery, or mentoring a teenager.
  • Do you like making yourself look good more than the average man?  Take more pride in your masculine appearance.  Spend time shaping a beard.  Thoughtfully pick out your clothes.  Design your own clothes.

You can come up with many more examples I am sure.  Think about what aspects of yourself that differ from most men in our culture, and tend to be viewed as feminine.  What aspects of yourself have you been suppressing?  Let them out in new healthy ways as a man, instead of giving in to the stereotypes by thinking you need to be a woman in order to feel or do those things.

Last, one more spin on this, let me be a preacher for a moment.  I’d like to encourage all of you to replace this time waster of crossdressing in your life with something new and purposeful.  If you can pour yourself into something new that has eternal significance and great meaning then it will be much easier to resist crossdressing.  As Paul says – Philippians 3:8 – What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.

What is the meaning of life?  The meaning of life doesn’t consist in collecting baseball cards anymore than it does in crossdressing.  We should stop wasting all of our time with narcissistic activities like crossdressing, but we should also not just replace all that time only with other hobbies.  Instead, let us follow Isaiah 58:10 –
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.

Let us pour ourselves out in building God’s kingdom, whether we do that by volunteering in church, discipling a friend, planting a tree caring for God’s creation, picking up trash, ministering to those in prison, housing the homeless, feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, doing favors for our neighbors, teaching children, volunteering in the community, or sharing the good news of the Gospel with our friends!   The meaning of life is to worship God and enjoy him forever.  That means we don’t want to spend our lives sitting by ourselves in our apartments or houses.  Pour yourself out in service to God and service to others.

I guarantee you a life lived like that is much more meaningful, purposeful, and joyful than a life obsessed with crossdressing (or any other hobby).  Let us all follow Hebrews 12:1-2 –

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Advertisements

22 comments on “Get a Hobby

  1. Don says:

    Hi Thorin,

    Yes, since I stopped crossdressing I have completely revised my life.

    I starts with fellowship, contact with as many people as you have time for. I have scheduled every week breakfast with one friend, lunch with another and dinner with a third. It’s a little expensive but how much is your life worth?

    Then I started playing tennis in a mixed group that is regularly scheduled twice a week. It is good to talk to women and men that you can engage with and that is what everyone is there for besides the game and exercise.

    I started volunteering at the hospital twice a week for the morning. Nothing makes you feel better than helping people that are in a tough time in their life.

    I am on the Board of Directors of my condo where I live. More time and communication with people and friendships.

    I am in a group at Church called Band of Brothers one evening a week. It’s a Bible study and afterwards we end up at a table of 8 or so men and we stay together all year long, year after year, and share stuff man to man. They know I’m a sex addict but I have not told told them the details.

    In between all this I do projecst at home rather than sit around and watch TV, where I might see way too many things that used to tempt me.

    I also began to read the Bible every day, getting up earlier than I need to get the day started, giving God first priority for the day. He will bless you if you make him first.

    I also read a daily reader for sex addiction and sometimes it allows me to write down my thoughts about how that relates to my transgender, so it keeps me on my toes for understanding what I am up against.

    Since I am retired, I have time and flexibility to do this. The bottom line is that you will find some people that really like you and appreciate you and that will make you feel good about yourself.

    Now I have been communicating on Thorin’s blog and prayer chain and that is helping be greatly.

    You can figure out what you can do in your own situation but the bottom line is relationships and fellowship. You can look forward to these things everyday and that keeps life very positive.

    Don

    Like

  2. thorin25 says:

    Don, wow that is a lot of great stuff! God is surely using you in those activities, and I’m sure you finding joy in it as well. It’s amazing how much you can fit in your week when you cut out hours worth of crossdressing or reading crossdressing fiction.

    Like

  3. Ralph says:

    I would strongly suggest that when dropping *any* addictive behavior and replacing it with some other activity, you should focus on activities that put you in contact with others — trying to occupy your time in a solitary environment is a surefire way to fall back into your old, comfortable routine. Being around other people forces some amount of accountability and provides an external distraction to take your mind off the old habits.

    Obviously the folks you surround yourself should NOT be people involved in the very life you are trying to shed. You can’t quit gambling if you change from spending your weekends alone at the casino to spending your weekends with friends at the track!

    Like

  4. Zack says:

    I tried hobbies to divert my cd desire. Interests in cars, trucks,all kinds of movies (not x rated), having a non sexual relationship with a girl, going places, helping others, and doing projects around the house. Still, the desire to cd like an arm of an octopus slowly grabs me around the leg and pulls me back towards cd. I am even thinking about getting into buying a gun also as to get into firearms. I also was going to get a vintage british sports car to see if that will keep my interest. I think cd is so like being addicted to alcohol or opiodes that even any hobby will not help me. I thought of getting married in hopes that I will find sexual release in the normal way. When I see who is available to marry I find mostly divorced women who have a husband that is still alive. I feel marrying a divorced woman whose husband is still alive is committing adultery so in no way can I do that. So now what?

    Like

  5. Don says:

    Zack, I understand your problem. Getting married won’t necessarily solve your problem. We are bi-sexual in a little different way that what the normal definition is. We are primarily autogynephilia and secondarily heterosexual. The reason is, you spent most of your sexual energy on, and had many more ejaculations when you crossdressed compared to with a woman.

    So when you get married, for maybe 2 years or less, you will on a high with your new love, and crossdressing will be far away from your mind, but then as time goes by, the initial chemistry of your new relationship will simmer down, and crossdressing will creep back in. As you probably see online, most crossdressers start out marriage this way. The primary always outweighs the secondary over time, unless you take steps to prevent it.

    Believe me, I’ve had two marriages and both happened that way. The thing is, the crossdressing does not simmer down, because there is always that new dress or new nightgown to try out. It works the same way as some men who get tried of their girlfriend and change to another, and another etc.

    Also, once you have a female partner, especially if she likes being feminine, then every day you will exposed to her in her underwear, putting on makeup, wearing the clothes that you would love to wear. It like an alcoholic who is dry but he keeps on going to the bar and watches other people drink. It just makes things worst.

    On the other hand, without the freedom to crossdress whenever you want, because it would displease your wife, and may lead to her leaving you, it is a good barrier to keep you from acting out. If my wife was gone for a long time, I’m not sure how long I would last.

    The trick is to keep the relationship very affectionate and intimate daily, where you could talk to her about anything, and acting in a way everyday where you are not emotionally isolated. Stay close to her emotionally and also physically. For that you need someone who is more emotionally dependent in a health way, rather someone who is more independent and wants a lot of time to herself. She needs to be your best friend, not crossdressing.

    I find that is the best way to battle crossdressing. You crossdress for pleasure and if you are getting a reasonable amount of pleasure out of your marriage, then that helps.

    Of course you have to do all the other things too, such as staying away from the internet crossdressers sites, get rid of all your pictures of your fem self, and of course, get rid of all your fem wardrobe, and I know how hard that is to do.

    There were times when I stopped crossdressing for a couple of years, before I did all the things I did in my previous reply in 2013 and what I am telling you now. I still did not get rid of the clothes. I kept them in a self storage unit. Eventually I decided to go back to the storage “just to look”, and it was not long after that I was back into it again.

    I hope I said something that might help you.

    Don

    Like

  6. thorin25 says:

    Zack, what Don says is very true and helpful.

    I would just reiterate that marriage won’t make things easier. You have to learn how to daily choose to do what is right even when part of you wants to do something that is wrong. It is just as hard to do so while single as while married, though the temptations differ in form in each case. The one good thing about marriage that does help is having potentially a more fulfilling life (if you are someone who wants to be married), and having that love and companionship. Having that partnership and sharing life with someone is more fulfilling than a hobby. But that is not to say that tons of people have very fulfilling and wonderful lives as single people as well. Just hear what Don said, that the addictive impulse to CD will not go away just because you get married.

    The Christian life is one of learning self control, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Not every Christian deals with addiction but many of us do, whether to food, porn, television, or drugs. And even for those Christians that don’t deal with addiction, they daily have to fight against desires of laziness, greed, selfishness, not wanting to pray, etc. The Christian life is a battle against sin until Jesus returns. Anyone who disagrees hasn’t read the Bible.

    So are you in for a long tough ride? Yes. But that doesn’t mean you won’t manage, and still have a very great and happy life in the process.

    Like

  7. Zack says:

    Thank you Don and Thorin for your insightful comments.

    Like

  8. Zack says:

    Now my girl friend dumped me for another man. I must say he is a much better prospect for her to marry than me. Chances are he is not sexually abnormal in his desires and that he has his normal desires under control. I’m a mess. I have OCD along with my stockings fetish.Now I feel really depressed.about losing contact with my close friend. She was my honey and now she is gone. I had no intentions of marrying her but to keep her and take care of her as my sister in Christ. I guess I am naive about the intentions of women. Now though I want so bad to comfort myself buy ordering women’s stockings and wearing them. I know I would feel so good at least for awhile. What do you guys think? Can I get away with just doing that?

    Like

  9. Lisa says:

    Hi Zach, I’m so sorry your girl friend left you. From a woman’s point of view it’s not hard to understand why. She will of wondered why she was not enough for you. Why you have to wear women’s stockings and I’m sure other items of women’s clothing to satisfy yourself. Wearing pantyhose will lead to shaving of legs and much worse. You are at a low point now and must not give in to your crossdressing desires. Especially if you hope to have a relationship with another woman in the future. Women want to be feminine and our men to embrace their masculinity. With God’s help and a strong desire to stop CD you will prevail. Good luck Zach I’m paying for you.

    Like

  10. CD wife says:

    Zach please understand when i say i’m so pleased your girlfriend has spared herself more pain.As you said you think he is a much better prospect i respect you for saying that but bothered you didn’t reach a rock bottom with this.
    Lisa lovely words as usual from you. X

    Like

  11. thorin25 says:

    Zack, don’t give in. Do you really think God wants you to go to stockings for comfort rather than himself and his Word? It is the nature of addiction that you go back to the very thing for comfort, the very thing that made your situation bad and in need of comfort in the first place. The thing that is destroying your life is the thing you want to go back to for comfort. See how ridiculous that idea is? Resist! Use this low point as a time to change your life.

    I will pray for you right now. May God give you strength to resist. But also may he give you his comfort and peace, and give you a strong sense of his presence. May he guide you and give you purpose and healing in your life. Zack, God has a good plan for your life, and I believe that plan includes right now putting your sin to death and putting your trust in him to take care of you.

    Like

  12. CD wife says:

    Thorin thank God we have you to encourage these men to do the right things.From what i can see you are the best and most consistent person in the world doing what you do here. May God bless you.

    Like

  13. Zack says:

    Thank you all for your help and your prayers. So far I have been resisting the temptation even though it’s really hard. The reason my girl friend left me was because (I think) she wanted to find a man that would marry her. I don’t blame her at all for this since what woman wants to have a boy friend without any future? I would not marry her because I believe Scripture says that a man (or woman) cannot marry a divorced person. To do so would be considered committing adultery. I could not consider willfully committing adultery in order to marry a woman. You may have different thoughts about this. I would like your input. When I was with her I never cross dressed nor did she know I ever did it. I’ve know her for years but we never had sex not even heavy petting.

    Like

  14. thorin25 says:

    CDwife, thank you for the great encouragement.

    Zack, help me remember, is it you who is divorced, or is it the woman you were interested in? If we are really serious about Jesus’ commands, then you are right to be wary of marrying someone who is divorced, I appreciate your respect for obeying God, doing whatever it takes. But it also makes a difference for the reason for the divorce (in my opinion).

    If a woman was abandoned by a husband, or he was sexually unfaithful, then we know from Scripture that the divorce was permissible. If it was permissible, then I don’t think it would impermissible for that person to get remarried. Otherwise, why bother calling it permissible? But if, like 90% of divorces (I really dont know how many), it was not for biblical reasons, and they were just unhappy, I wouldn’t marry the divorced person.

    Like

  15. thorin25 says:

    The better question to ask yourself is this. If you knew that you couldn’t or wouldn’t marry her, why were you messing around with her? That says something negative about you I fear. Please refrain from leading people on in the future. There might not be “many” available women out there who are not divorced, but there are plenty. And if you are going to stick to your moral duty, then do so prior to the marriage, which means only dating those who are eligible to marry you. Don’t give up hope. There are a lot of single women out there, a lot of them in churches, waiting to marry, waiting for the right guy. Make sure you are looking in churches and not in bars.

    Like

  16. Zack says:

    Thorin, thank you for your response. I’m the one who is still single. I will do some more research to find out if marriage to a divorced woman while her husband is still alive is permissible. You are right to say that I should not lead a woman on. The subject of marriage when it came up with her I kind of pushed it away so I never gave her an indication I would marry her. Now, may I bring up something that I haven’t come across yet. I see a lot of women in the military wearing what looks like exactly the uniform of men even down to the boots and trousers. I’ve even seen a female police chief wearing what a male police chief would wear complete with tie. Not only that but I’ve seen a female general wearing a uniform that looks exactly like a men’s. So how come they don’t seem to be concerned about Deuteronomy 22:5. How come most preachers of the Word of God won’t bring that up? That command applies to men and women. Thanks for your response.

    Like

  17. Lisa says:

    Hi Zack, men and women are required by Military law to wear the same uniform. They do not have a choice. Skirts obviously are not practical. You will find when the occasion calls for it military women where dress uniforms with skirts. During biblical times women did not enlist in the military and Law enforcement. We live in different times. If you are a Christian you should still believe it is wrong to dress in the clothes(by choice) of the opposite sex. Thus still follow the readings of Deuteronomy. You’re trying to find justification for your Crossdressing. You need to focus on stopping your addiction before it goes any further. I will continue to pray for you.

    Like

  18. Lisa says:

    Hi Zach. To follow on from my last post: My personal opinion on the reading of Deuteronomy is the garment issue is not the big picture. The message for me is a man, should not behave, act or pretend to be a woman and vise versa.

    In today’s world women have to work extra hard to find equality with men in the workplace. Especially in law enforcement and the Military: So wearing skirts and dresses would not work in those professions.

    Sure women wear pants and jeans for practical reasons. But! This is the key for me we’re not trying to look and behave like men. Our Pants and jeans are cut in a feminine manner for our bodies. We still wear makeup, accessories etc. Still want to be women.

    Like

  19. Zack says:

    Thank you Lisa for your response. I’m glad I found this website where I can discuss delicate matters with a host of hopefully Christian people. By the way you know there are preachers that preach strongly against a woman even wearing pants. I’ve done a lot of reading about the CD thing. I’m surprised more main line evangelical preachers don’t seem to have sermons concerning Deuteronomy 22:5. There is so much controversy about the verse-just do a google search for the verse I mentioned. One preacher was so angry about women wearing pants in church that he was going to wear a woman’s skirt to preach the sermon! I can’t remember if he did.

    Like

  20. thorin25 says:

    Zack, I encourage you to reread my post on Deuteronomy 22:5, and the questions at the end. Deut. 22:5 is a command for us, but it is applied differently in different cultures, and cultures change gradually. If we wore the garments men wore in biblical times, people would at least look at us as odd, and a few uninformed people might wonder if we were wearing women’s clothing. The key is to try to dress like a man or like a woman, as who you really are. And not wear the clothing that you know, in your culture, is for women. Our culture has changed, for the better, and allowed women to wear pants which makes much more practical sense. It is not seen as wearing men’s clothing for women to wear pants, they are shaped after all, like Lisa said, for their bodies. It is hypothetically possible that culture would gradually change and it would be normal for men to wear skirts (there are plenty of cultures around the world where men do wear skirts). But it is not the case right now, and such conversations, among crossdressers, really amount to trying to find justifications for our confused sexual desires or confused gender feelings.

    Like

  21. CD wife says:

    Let’s get real Thorin and say it how it is . It’s about having a relationship with yourself that others have in a healthy way with the opposite sex. And for many it’s just sexual.No excuses
    Honesty is the only way from day one as far as i’m concerned. Then there wouldn’t be so many broken wives.
    If this is what you want in your lives stay away from partnerships unless in the unlikely event you find someone who is completely happy with this depraved way of behaving.

    Like

  22. Zack says:

    Thank you all for your prayers. My desire to cd is diminished thanks be to the Lord Jesus. But I must be careful lest I fall. I know as you know how easy it is to be pulled back into thinking about cd with just looking at an image that is stimulating. May the Lord Jesus give us the strength to resist the temptation.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s