One of the important things to do, (that can easily be overlooked), when giving up a crossdressing alter ego, or crossdressing addiction, is to get some new hobbies. Let’s face it, crossdressing was a huge part our lives. For some of us, our crossdressed self was a person that we looked at as a friend, or spouse. I never went that far and I have trouble seeing how one could not see the utter psychological confusion of that, but sinful addictions have a way of clouding our judgment. Even for me, I falsely rationalized my crossdressing behavior more times than I can count, even though my thoughts were sheer nonsense and illogical.
Anyway back to the point, giving up this alter-ego, or giving up just the addiction and obsession of crossdressing, it’s a really big deal. If you truly give it up as well as the crossdressing websites and shopping for clothes, and hanging out with crossdressing friends, you suddenly have a lot more empty free time. And if you give up the crossdressing thoughts and planning and fantasies, then you suddenly have a lot less you desire to think about or enjoy thinking about.
Something has to fill the void that crossdressing leaves. And for some of you it might be so depressing and difficult and mournful to give up your crossdressing, that you need some good positive things in life to lift your spirits, give you joy, and/or fun. Further, if you aren’t going to fall back into temptation, you will need some healthy distractions in life. The times we are most prone to failure and giving back in to temptation is when we are bored and have nothing else to do.
So I suggest finding new hobbies and activities. Be very very purposeful about it. Try new things.
- Call up some friends.
- Join a community group.
- Volunteer at a homeless shelter.
- Pull out the old board game you haven’t played in a while.
- Learn to take walks.
- Play a sport with friends.
- Watch movies with your wife.
- Visit your grandparents.
- Read books about theology, engineering, biology, novels, etc.
- Learn a new language.
- Practice playing an instrument.
- Collect stamps or baseball cards.
- Write a book or design a game.
- Find a new strategy video game.
- Go out for a beer once a week with friends and talk about your lives.
- Do a surprise date for your wife.
- Learn how to bake a cake or cook a Chinese dish.
Think about other things that you used to do and have a lot of fun doing, that you haven’t done for a while. Start doing them and fill up that empty time with good productive things that stimulate your mind, work out your body, or give you joy. You won’t then have the boredom to have you mind drawn back to crossdressing. And as you grieve and mourn the pleasure you miss, you will have something else that is giving you joy and pleasure in a healthy way.
Let me put another spin on this. I have often argued that part of our motivation for crossdressing is that we feel stifled by the gender stereotypes in our culture, and we feel we can’t be ourselves unless in a dress. To fight back against this, we need to embrace the real kind of man that we are instead of dividing our personality into male and female personas. So if you are going to embrace a new hobby, maybe it’s time to embrace a new hobby that fits with the more feminine aspects of yourself that you have been suppressing.
- Are you more verbal than the average man? Maybe now is the time to begin a mentoring relationship or spend more time hanging out with friends having good discussions.
- Are you more into dancing than the average man? Learn how to do a new dance, and learn it with your wife.
- Are you more drawn to beauty than the average man? Learn how to paint or sculpt and make that beauty yourself, or go shopping with your wife and pick out beautiful clothes for her to wear, and beautiful male clothes for yourself.
- Are you more sensitive than the average man? Watch some chick flicks without shame and let the tears out.
- Are you more gentle and nurturing and loving of children than the average man? Spend some time babysitting, volunteering in the church nursery, or mentoring a teenager.
- Do you like making yourself look good more than the average man? Take more pride in your masculine appearance. Spend time shaping a beard. Thoughtfully pick out your clothes. Design your own clothes.
You can come up with many more examples I am sure. Think about what aspects of yourself that differ from most men in our culture, and tend to be viewed as feminine. What aspects of yourself have you been suppressing? Let them out in new healthy ways as a man, instead of giving in to the stereotypes by thinking you need to be a woman in order to feel or do those things.
Last, one more spin on this, let me be a preacher for a moment. I’d like to encourage all of you to replace this time waster of crossdressing in your life with something new and purposeful. If you can pour yourself into something new that has eternal significance and great meaning then it will be much easier to resist crossdressing. As Paul says – Philippians 3:8 – 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him.
What is the meaning of life? The meaning of life doesn’t consist in collecting baseball cards anymore than it does in crossdressing. We should stop wasting all of our time with narcissistic activities like crossdressing, but we should also not just replace all that time only with other hobbies. Instead, let us follow Isaiah 58:10 –
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
Let us pour ourselves out in building God’s kingdom, whether we do that by volunteering in church, discipling a friend, planting a tree caring for God’s creation, picking up trash, ministering to those in prison, housing the homeless, feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, doing favors for our neighbors, teaching children, volunteering in the community, or sharing the good news of the Gospel with our friends! The meaning of life is to worship God and enjoy him forever. That means we don’t want to spend our lives sitting by ourselves in our apartments or houses. Pour yourself out in service to God and service to others.
I guarantee you a life lived like that is much more meaningful, purposeful, and joyful than a life obsessed with crossdressing (or any other hobby). Let us all follow Hebrews 12:1-2 –
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.