Ignore pain to crossdress

I sometimes wonder if there is something about us crossdressers that we are willing to endure/ignore/experience pain to a crazy degree for the sake of continuing to crossdress.  Do you think so?

Think about what we go through.  Wearing high heels for long hours and somehow not responding to the pain.   Or in my case sometimes it was crunching my feet into shoes that didn’t really fit me because they weren’t mine, and yet the pain of my poor toes didn’t phase me when I was in the crossdressing zone.   Or putting ourselves into a constricting bra.  Or we put up with the time and trials of long hours spent waxing, shaving, putting on make up, working out just to be thinner, etc.

Women like my wife don’t wear high heels because of the severe pain they cause.  Women like my wife don’t like to wear makeup because of the great deal of time it takes.  I know she is not alone.  Most of the women I know are just like her in this.   Why is it so different for us as crossdressers?

And this is not to speak of the emotional pain.  The emotional pain of guilt that cannot be purged as simply as clothing.  The emotional pain of gender and identity confusion resulting from so many hours crossdressing.  The emotional pain of a wife’s disapproval.  The emotional pain of ripping a marriage apart because of crossdressing.  The emotional pain of a strained relationship with God.  The emotional pain of shame at society’s disapproval.


So what is up with this willingness to endure these pains?  There are 4 options I see.


1.  Crossdressing is just so fun and exciting so who wouldn’t put up with these minor pains for the enjoyment?  I don’t buy this theory at all.  These pains aren’t minor.  Perhaps the physical pain of high heels is minor enough.  And perhaps there are some who could argue that endless attempts at shaving, waxing, dieting, etc, to appear feminine isn’t that big of a deal.  But I remember feeling like I was wasting my life just in the time it took preparing to crossdress.  And the emotional pain, wow.  I don’t think any healthy person in their right mind would go through all of those emotional pains just for the simple fun of dressing up (when I was crossdressing, I don’t think I was in my right mind, I was stuck in addiction).


2.  Some may crossdress, no matter the physical and emotional pains, in order to feel like they are their true selves.  If a man really feels he is meant to be, or “is” a woman, he may go through hell in order to try to be himself.   You all know my thoughts on this.  I think this is identity confusion and the answer is learning how to be oneself as a man rather than physically altering our bodies or trying to appear as the opposite sex.  But this option does make sense for why many people would go through the pain in order to crossdress.


3.  This article – The Psychology of Sex Reassignment Surgery – on page 117 and 118, suggest that crossdressers go through pain as a form of masochism.  (The article is talking about transsexuals, but I think there is a great amount of overlap between fetishistic crossdressers and those with gender dysphoria).  The article suggests that crossdressing can be related to masochism in that crossdressers actually enjoy the pain as part of the crossdressing experience.  This comes to the fullest expression then in sexual reassignment surgery.  “The masochists find that sexual arousal is facilitated by the experience of pain prior to sexual activity; they look upon the surgical excision of the genitalia (albeit unconsciously) as a form of masochistic adventure with the surgeon.”

“What has been scarcely noted in many commentaries on transsexualism is
the immense amount of physical pain that surgery entails. Generally, this fact
is totally minimized. Most postoperative transsexuals interviewed seldom
commented on the amount of physical pain connected with their surgery. Are
we to suppose no pain is involved? Anyone who has the slightest degree of
medical knowledge knows that penectomies, mastectomies, hysterectomies,
vaginoplasties, mammoplasties, and the like cannot be painless for those who
undergo them. . . . It seems that the silence regarding physical pain, on the part
of the transsexual, can be explained only by an attitude of masochism, where
one of the key elements of the transsexual order is indeed the denial not only
of self but physical pain to the point “where it may actually be subjectively
pleasurable, or at least subjectively negligible.”

I think there could be some truth to this, but it doesn’t fully fit my own experience.


4.  We go through this pain because we are addicted.  This option fits best my own experience.  What do drug addicts do?  They do everything possible to feed their addictions, even to the point of abandoning their marriages and families, to the point of becoming criminal thieves in order to get money to feed their addiction, and they cause physical harm to their bodies.  Ultimately, if they don’t receive help, they kill themselves through drug overdoses or contracting other diseases and health problems.   Obviously, crossdressing as an addiction is not so drastic as this.  And yet it is still an addiction that we feel we can’t live without and so we will go through great risks to our job and family, and great pain in order to feed our addiction.  One can find out in minutes through an internet search that crossdressing has destroyed countless marriages.  Why would we go through such inconveniences, such time wasters, such physical pain, such emotional and spiritual turmoil?  My answer is that we do it because we are addicted and often don’t know how to get out of that addiction.

If you agree, and you feel like you are caught in this addiction, there is hope.   There is a way out, and I believe the way out is much easier than the way out for drug addicts.  You can do this!   Here is my suggestion for a start – 12 steps to stop crossdressing.


19 comments on “Ignore pain to crossdress

  1. Hi Thorin,

    I think it’s worth picking up a couple of your points. First, rational people will generally make choices which leave them better off. So you might decide that you want a flashy car, but that may mean you have cheaper holidays for a few years while you pay it off. Your neighbour might drive an old heap but enjoy more luxury on his holidays.

    As a result of this, a little physical discomfort is understandable for the psychological gratification that crossdressing provides. Seems like a bargain. When I say “discomfort”, that’s all I mean: I don’t think pain is good, and I don’t enjoy it. I think people who deliberately inflict pain on themselves (or get someone else to do it for them) are inexplicable.

    Some “ordinary” people are quite willing to put up with pain. Supposing I got a tattoo. I haven’t got any tattoos. But if I did, I am sure it would be very painful, at least during the inking. In addition, once it’s on, it’s on, and if you change your mind, it can’t be undone. So someone might come to consider a tattoo to be disfiguring. I have seen a lot of tattoos: some are absolutely outstanding, and some are absolutely dreadful.

    I expect you don’t consider tattoos to be inherently sinful; you might even have one yourself! I guess where I am going is that it could be rational, and not sinful, for someone to subject themselves to quite a lot of pain in the interests of permanently changing their appearance.



  2. thorin25 says:

    Agreed Vivienne, I don’t enjoy shaving, but I do shaving and trimming for the sake of my appearance. It’s not exactly painful, but it’s still a pain to have to do it, if you know what I mean.

    But the inconvenience of this or the temporary pain of a tattoo is a long ways off from the emotional and addictive destruction that crossdressing has caused me, and what I know it has caused so many other people as well (maybe this is not your experience, but I also know I’m far from being alone in this).


  3. stoknheels says:

    If my heels hurt, they must not be my size. Try getting your size, don’t wear sombody else shoes


  4. stoknheels says:

    My bra fits just fine, I had it measured for me by a woman. As for make up I guess your wife likes the manly look. I guess make up is for men? My wife is just fine with my dressing. I wear my own things, not hers. She has helped me with make up so I look good. She even buys me some things, I also buy my own. I have no problem with going to a store and trying on heels or a skirt before I buy. I guess you won’t post this because it goes against what you preach. Remeber I think it Deut. 22-8 child abouse is OK.


  5. thorin25 says:

    Stoknheels. I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish here. If crossdressing doesn’t give you physical pain, it can still cause many other kinds of problems. You know my views on it. I’m not going to convince everyone and that is fine.

    I have no idea what you are talking about with Deut. 22:8 which says – 8 When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.

    I’m not sure why you brought it up, or brought up child abuse. Perhaps you can clarify?


  6. stoknheels says:

    Sorry I don’t know the numbers as well as you, but I know the book
    deut 21: 18-21


  7. thorin25 says:

    What’s your point? What does that passage have to do with crossdressing?


  8. stoknheels says:

    I am just saying the Bible is written in words of the era.
    Stoning a disobedeant son to death is not what we do today. you need to take those words and figuare out what was meant by them. In my mind it was meant to take strong action for a disobedeant child. Not stone him to death. When it says men are not to wear womans and woman is not to wear mens. I think it was talking more of war time when men could decive the enemy and woman was not to be in army.
    Thorin, I like you and I am not bashing your web site. I think you think you are doing right. I will admit there are men with the problem, but deep down I don’t think it is what their wearing is the problem. The problem I have is people twisting the words of my God to solve their problem and tell everyone this is what “he” meant. The Bible is written for everyone to think and to figure out what is meant. It will not be the same for everyone and it is not meant to be.


  9. thorin25 says:

    Hi stoknheels, other interpretations of that passage are certainly possible. I thank you for your kind words. I now understand what you were getting at.

    However, I disagree with your view of the Bible. You can read my view here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2011/09/24/how-to-interpret-the-bible/
    The way we view the Bible is such a fundamental thing that we may just have to agree to disagree. I don’t think we can interpret the Bible however we want, but that there are rules and guidelines to proper interpretation, much as we read any other type of document. Words in a certain form have an intended meaning. It’s not a free for all.

    Secondly, you probably already know this as you’ve been reading my posts, but I’ll remind you that even if the Bible did not prohibit crossdressing very specifically (as I believe it does), even if it did not, I would still view as harmful and destructive (and even sinful), for various many other reasons. – Lots of posts here you can read about that – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/summary-of-why-crossdressing-is-sinfulharmful/


  10. stoknheels says:

    Thorin I like you even more when you state it is “your view”.
    And who made up these ” rules and guidlines”. I didn’t read that in the book.


  11. thorin25 says:

    Stoknheels, these rules and guidelines are somewhat common sense. For example, when the author of a biblical book compares God to a lion, we read it incorrectly to not see that that is a metaphor intended by the author. If we believe God is actually a physical lion, we read it wrong. Likewise, different types of writings are interpreted differently. Poetry is different from law which is different from a letter.

    Do you read newspapers the same way you read signs the same way that you read letters from a friend? No. You read them differently according to the form and intention. If you read a newspaper the same way you read a fairy tale, you are reading the newspaper wrong.

    For some reason when it comes to the Bible, people like you think we can completely throw out regular rules of how we read things. But no that is not the case. Do you not see what I mean?


  12. stoknheels says:

    Thats what I’m saying Thorin, you can’t read the Bible as you would a newspaper.


  13. thorin25 says:

    No it’s not what you’ve been saying. Read my comment again. I’m saying just as there is a correct way to read the newspaper, there is a correct way to read the Bible. It is not consistent that you should say everyone should interpret a fairly tale in the same way, that is, that it is a fictional story. But then when it comes to the Bible, you say people can interpret it however they want. There are rules and guidelines to read the Bible correctly just as with any type of writing that exists in this world.


  14. stoknheels says:

    I am saying you can not read the Bible like you would read the newspaper.
    And you still haven’t told me your rules for reading the Bible.


  15. thorin25 says:

    Yes I did. You may have missed it. Here is my quote again –

    However, I disagree with your view of the Bible. You can read my view here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2011/09/24/how-to-interpret-the-bible/
    The way we view the Bible is such a fundamental thing that we may just have to agree to disagree. I don’t think we can interpret the Bible however we want, but that there are rules and guidelines to proper interpretation, much as we read any other type of document. Words in a certain form have an intended meaning. It’s not a free for all.

    We are agreed we can’t read the Bible like a newspaper, but I’m saying there is still a “correct” way to read it. How do you think we should read it?


  16. thorin25 says:

    Stoknheels, did you read that post on interpreting the Bible?


  17. stoknheels says:

    Yes I did. very good writing and I think we think the same, but you are not comming across as that or I am not. I am sorry, I have MS and my thinking is not the same as most people.

    “We have to understand what words originally meant, not just what they mean now in our usage. We need to understand the idioms of that time as well.”


  18. thorin25 says:

    sounds good stoknheels. Thank you. Keep reading and commenting. Where you from?


  19. Dramaking55 says:

    For whatever it is worth, one of the best books I have found that give a realistic view of the real Jesus and scripture is a book by Lee Strobel titled “The Case For The Real Jesus.” In it Strobel has actually gone to the men who spend all their days interpreting and translating the Scriptures word for word because unless we can go by the Word of God then how can we ever see Jesus?
    The fact of the matter is that words do in fact mean things and some Hebrew words like YOM can be interpreted in ways that can possibly affect how we view the cosmology of the earth. There are things that we can discuss that do not fall in to the “essentials” of Christianity but it does not mean that the bible is to be interpreted the way we “see and or feel” about it. The laws in Deuteronomy have not completely been abolished because the laws that relate to sexual immorality have been seen in the New Testament. Since Christ gave us the “new covenant” many parts of the “law” were abolished but when they are held up in the NT, those, we still must follow lest we sin. Sexual immorality is one thing that the New Testament speaks about as being very bad for us and something that, if we call ourselves believers we need to flee from.
    I may not like it and I may not “feel” that it is fair or right but it is the Word of God and I am called to follow it.

    Everything that is in the bible has a place for us today, tomorrow and in the future and we read it not as a newspaper but with prayer as a starting point the the Holy Spirit reveal to us the truth of what we read. I guess that if one can read the scriptures and still feel fine living in sin then I would have to question whether that person really believes God, has a relationship with Jesus, and has truly put their faith and trust in Christ. You see, I have and I know deep down in my heart that the sin of deception, see CD, the sin of idolatry, see CD and the sin of pride, are not compatible with the life and testimony of a true follower who has been “saved” by Christ.


    “I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.” C.S. Lewis


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