I Quit Crossdressing and I am Happy!

I want to counteract what I see as false advertising on the internet, even if that false advertising is unintentional.  Crossdressers on internet forums and blogs make out that giving up crossdressing is a sure-fire way to be miserable and stressed out, a sure-fire way to have a horrible life.  They make it out to be that if you give up crossdressing you are only harming yourself because you can’t accept that you are really a crossdresser and will always be one.  Now I understand that they truly believe this and so their motivation is actually that they are trying to be loving.  They want to save other crossdressers from despair and from wasting money on purges, and from feeling miserable trying to suppress their desires.

But I want to say that this doesn’t have to be the case, and it was not for me!  And I’m sure that there are thousands of others who have given up crossdressing and are completely happy about it.  They just don’t have the time to make a blog about it, or don’t have the care or interest to go on crossdressing forums and tell people about it.  I would guess that most crossdressers only hear from and talk to other active crossdressers, thus they continue to think that it’s nearly impossible to give up crossdressing, and thus they continue to think that if you do give up crossdressing you will only be miserable, as they talk to other crossdressers who quit temporarily and reported feeling miserable.

Nothing could be further from the truth for me and most of the past crossdressers who are a part of my blog’s community.  I have now given up crossdressing for over 2 years.  In that 2 years I have not even put on a female shoe, or even pretended that my bath towel was a skirt.  No crossdressing at all.  And these 2 years have been the best years of my life!  And a very large part of that has been that crossdressing is out of my life.  Not crossdressing does not make me feel like I am suppressing anything.  Not crossdressing does not make me feel unhappy.  Not crossdressing does not make me feel depressed.  Not crossdressing does not make me feel like I’m not being myself.  I feel more myself than I ever have before!  I feel so much less stressed and so much more joyful than during the years when I was crossdressing.

To be honest, there have been rare occasions in the past 2 years where I’ve looked at crossdressing websites online in moments of laziness or weakness.  But those occasions have always given me only a few moments of endorphins followed by stress, frustration, guilt, feelings of dirtiness, etc.  They’ve never been good, never been healthy.  They only confirmed what I’m trying to say in this post!  Those few times I gave in and looked at crossdressing pictures or stories have been the worst times emotionally and spiritually of the past 2 years.  Rather than making me feel like I’ve suppressed something, they have only confirmed to me how worthless crossdressing is, and how much my life is better off without it, and better off without giving in to the fantasies either, and how much more myself I am when not giving in.

And I’ve changed and grown in the past 2 years.  It is an extremely rare occasion that I will see an article of my wife’s clothing, or clothing on another woman, and actually have a thought about crossdressing at all.  And that is surprising considering how much time I put into this blogging experience.   But I just look at them as my wife’s clothes, not as objects of power that I long to wear.  I also feel more content in being a man.  There are of course times that I think women have things better and I might envy aspects of their lives.  But overall I feel much more secure in my manhood.  I feel like a man and enjoy being a man and am noticing ways that I am like other men that I did not realize or appreciate before. My marriage has improved and I am more attracted to my wife while at the same time putting less pressure on her to do things like painting her nails or buying more lingerie, or wearing make up, etc.

I know that if I read crossdressing stories, or crossdress in real life, that my body would still find it pleasurable.  I don’t know if that will ever change.  But it doesn’t matter.  I think of alcoholics who stop desiring alcohol, but know that if they start drinking, they will enjoy it and want to keep drinking.  The same is true for me.  My body will still respond to the stimuli it has become attached to in regards to crossdressing.  The addiction has fused those brain synapses, probably for life.  But the desire for crossdressing has basically gone away, so the only danger I ever have of giving in is when I desire pleasure in its raw basic sense, and I turn to crossdressing because I know my body will still respond to that stimuli to give me that pleasure.  But like the alcoholic feels deep regret, frustration, and harm from giving in again, I also know I would feel that way too.

If I was not blogging about this in an attempt to provide a place for guys to get help from this addiction, I probably wouldn’t think about crossdressing any more at all (except after random dreams about it).  And that sounds like a wonderful beautiful thing.  I’m honestly very tired of thinking about it.  The longer I go without crossdressing the more ugly it seems to me.  But I think God has called me to keep working on this blog in order to help others.  So I will continue.  And I must say I immensely enjoy the wonderful relationships with other brothers in Christ that God has brought to me.  They have encouraged me so incredibly much.

Unfortunately I feel like this blog is the last tether in my life holding me to any thoughts about crossdressing at all, the last tether in my life that ever produces crossdressing temptations.  But I can deal with it, with God’s help.  Although I don’t experience as full freedom as I might while still doing this blog, the feelings of freedom I have are still 20 times greater than the years past when I was still giving in to crossdressing.  My life is so much more full of joy, smiles come easier, I have less stress, and I’m enjoying life so much more.

I of course cannot guarantee that if you give up crossdressing, that you will have my experience.  But I will say that it is possible to give up crossdressing, and it is possible to give it up and be happy.  There are many many stories of doing so on my site or linked from my site.  You don’t have to have despair.  There can be hope and freedom for you.

I know many of you are afraid to post on a blog like this, or don’t have an account to use to post a comment, but if a few of you who have found freedom from crossdressing would be willing to post a comment, that would be great.  I’d like others to see that there are more people besides me who have found greater happiness in giving up crossdressing.

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16 comments on “I Quit Crossdressing and I am Happy!

  1. John Gilkenson says:

    One other thing to add to your post Thorin. Gods word is on your side. When we start getting into our feelings or others feelings we seem to go down the wrong road every time. And that never leads to something positive. Unless of course your not a christian. Then our feelings take front and center. I’ve gone down that road for too long and know in my heart it leads to misery. No matter what others may say.

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  2. Temptedsinner says:

    I had a pretty good streak of not dressing, reading, watching, looking, masturbating going. I was really enjoying life! Well, I fell off of the wagon a little while back, as I clicked the mouse taking me back to my favorite places…. my hand was shaking and sweating, my arm pits were dripping (gross right) As I clicked myself into that dark and familiar world. So now I’m back to being sneaky, telling half truths, conniving on how I can make the now boring things I’ve done before a little more exciting, take it up a notch….. Yes, to escalate once more.
    I honestly don’t like this place I’m in. I so wish I could put down my net and follow Him! I want to love my wife the way that she deserves to be loved. Ahhh! But it is hard to dance with the devil on your back.

    Temptedsinner

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Temptedsinner, the Devil has more bark than bite. You are giving him too much credit. He does not have power over you. You belong to God, the Holy Spirit lives in you. You have (past tense) been set free from sin (romans 6). You DO NOT have to keep giving in. If Satan is accomplishing anything with you all he is doing is trying to get you to think that he is more powerful than he is, trying to get you to think that you cannot begin again this process of giving u crossdressing and finding healing. Come out of darkness into the light! You are forgiven and loved by God so stop wallowing in filth. There is real life to be lived!

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  4. Damaking55 says:

    It has been stated the Denial is not a river in Egypt and I am here to testify to that truth. I spent many years involved with the world of cross-dressing, homosexuality and BDSM sissiness. I have spent thousands of dollars that should have gone to my wife and son but instead went to buying clothing shoes and accessories. I spent years in both the world and the church compartmentalizing my very existence. When I finally hit bottom, I had almost destroyed a woman that I have loved for the past 32 years and a son that is going to be 26 this year.
    I was one of those that believed that I could never fight this urge, that this was who I was and even had serious thoughts of going further into becoming a “Woman”. I gave up everything when I finally understood that if I was to enjoy a really vibrant relationship with the Lord then I could no longer have one foot in the world and one foot in my relationship with Jesus. It really was like oil and water that could never mix and so I had to choose who or what I would worship and I chose Jesus. I came to grips with the deception, lies and obfuscation that I had been involved in and decided that I would scratch and claw my way out of the hole that I had dug and with His help and strength be able to get out of the pit. It was hard work and some days I would just pray to make it through the next 24 seconds. I have been out of that bondage for 3 plus years and though it has not been easy, it has been worth it. God has restored my relationships and taken away a lot of the co-dependency issues that screwed me up to begin with. “Within every man is a scared junior high boy” that was me in a nutshell. Now God has given me a heart for men and their struggle with gender confusion issues as well as given me this blog to share my story with and comment on. I have also come to enjoy real relationships with men here on our prayer chain as well as in my life at church. It has been a non-linear growth but every day I see a little more progress and I am that much happier that I get to be in recovery.
    Anybody who reads this needs to know that this is a journey well worth taking and know that you will not be alone in it anymore if you seek to take it.

    Andrew

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  5. Ralph says:

    I used to ride that bus. I agreed with the folks who kept insisting “You can purge the clothes, but you can’t purge the crossdresser” — based on my own purge experiences and the seemingly inevitable return to old habits (which would be a great pun if I enjoyed dressing as a nun, but I don’t so we’ll just move right along…)

    Thanks to you and other successful “ex-crossdressers”, I now preach the opposite message: If it’s really that important to you, you CAN quit… although unless you rely on God it’s going to be a nasty, uphill struggle. It’s all a matter of getting your priorities straight.

    And I say that as someone who still hasn’t stopped. I know deep down in my heart that if I really wanted to quit, I would do it. I don’t quit because I don’t want to quit, and telling myself it’s impossible is just a lie.

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Ralph, I really like how you are honest about that. And that you also believe us. Many that I’ve talked to online simply don’t believe our stories, or think we are secretly miserable and suppressing it.

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  7. ikthys says:

    The life I used to lead (if you can call it life) giving in to crossdressing desire was a hellish mess. The life I live now where I don’t give in is wonderful and free. I still remember the watershed moment of letting it all out and turning around. And I could take pages recounting the journey of reorienting my thoughts and emotions like the resetting of broken bones. I could never imagine climbing back down that ladder to the pit of confusion that had me in its grips. The difference is night and day, and has been for almost 4 years now. I think part of the key is that people need to actually decide for themselves that it is wrong (at least for themselves) as opposed to just trying not to do it because it is expensive, time consuming, complicated, etc. Otherwise they end up just trying to bury it out of “duty” to some murky moral expectation rather than exploring for themselves and concluding for themselves that they really are a mess and really do need to get out at all costs. The power for me along that journey (even as I wrestled with the decision itself) was in open exploration of my thoughts and feelings. Open and honest, not indulgent and fanciful. That kept me from ever feeling repressed by the change.

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  8. A man says:

    I am glad this site exists. I still remember having come on this very blog insulting Thorin about his life and his wife, trying to protect my denial about the effects crossdressing had had on me. I have not ‘used’ in 18 months now. I see crossdressing as a pretty effective way to get rid of my true self, the lack of love this poor fellow experienced as a child, and the wounds this has left him with. I merely cross dressed for 4 months, but it consumed my life every moment of it.

    I am lucky to have discovered that at age 23, while I wasn’t married and didn’t have a family. I gave it a real go, then realized how it made me lose who I was. I do believe that the urges will be there from time to time, forever. After all, the easy path will always exist and tempt us. But I believe I have only one mission on earth: to love, embrace and care for the person that God granted me, which is myself.

    My mission is not to dump this man in the trash can and then invent myself a fiction I have more desire for. I don’t want a Laura or a Janet or wathever. I want me. I want a relationship with me and God, not with some fictional character. I am a tax attorney and let me tell you, loving this guy that is writing right now is way harder than taxation, so I can see why cross dressing and forgetting about him would be tempting.

    I love how you have reverted back to loving your wife and not her clothes. I want that too. I want, one day, to be able to love another human being for who she his, not for what she wears or for how much dopamine she can get my brain to release. I have never experienced ‘love’ for a woman yet. They attract me a great deal, but I still have work to do on myself before I can do that. But it is beautiful to read that. God has really guided you.

    I still struggle with intimacy, as when I was a child, my mother always abused me emotionally and left me boundary less emotionally wise as an adult, and guilt and shame ridden. But God, as my loving parent, will guide me to recovery. And me, as a loving parent, will give this guy what he should’ve received as a worthy and deserving human being.

    Thanks again Thorin, please do not cease what you are doing here. It is so depressing to see that the main stream is all about not having a choice.

    God bless you all.

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  9. thorin25 says:

    I’ll respond to your other comment second. Thank you again so much for sharing your story, and for having the humility to point out how much you’ve changed on this issue. 18 months is a big achievement! Well done. Keep it up.

    Your story strikes a chord in me, and I’m sure it does in many others as well. This statement was powerful – “I want, one day, to be able to love another human being for who she his, not for what she wears or for how much dopamine she can get my brain to release. ” If our love can’t go beyond our dopamine levels, it ain’t real love! Sometimes that dopamine isn’t going to be there. Relationships are tough work and involve conflict, change, service, sacrificing, and even suffering. But they are worth it and are important.

    The only thing I want to challenge you on in your comment is this –
    “But I believe I have only one mission on earth: to love, embrace and care for the person that God granted me, which is myself.”
    If your only mission is to love yourself, you will make yourself into an idol. I know you didn’t try to mean it this way, but self is already one of the biggest idols for most Americans. But self can’t take the place of God. We exist to worship God, glorify him, make his name great, and in the process, we also find our greatest joy and happiness. The best way to love God is to love ourselves. If we focus on loving ourselves though, instead of loving God, we will only damage ourselves. It is good to love ourselves, very important! But like most other good and important things, it can easily become an idol. The bad idols aren’t bad things in our lives, they are good things in our lives that we make into ultimate things (like family, security, comfort, power, a spouse, etc.), when God is the only ultimate thing. This is probably all stuff you agree with, but our words have power to shape our thoughts, so I suggest changing the wording of your mission. Maybe you could say (if you agree) that your mission is to love God with everything in you and in the process find your happiness in him. We can only learn how to love ourselves properly when we know God’s love for us and love him. Otherwise our love for ourselves becomes a twisted love. What do ya think?

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  10. A man says:

    I guess I don’t really know. I know I need God to love myself, that’s for sure. If it wasn’t for him, I would never have been able to sprout that amount of love I have worked so hard to cultivate. As you pointed out, my mission is not to love myself with the ego, which would result in an infatuated idolization. I am after the real humble yet so filling love that can only come from God and from within.

    But I think I totally agree with you. Nothing should ever be idolized but God, because he his the source of the real and true all healing love. I know Him and his love can heal me from my thousand fears of intimacy. Hell I tried for myself for years with the might of Sysiphus, to always end up rolling back down the mountain. It is only when I decided to put my hand in His that I got to meet people that helped me plant a seed of love in my heart.

    I will conclude by adding that I fully agree with that statement: “we can only learn to love ourselves properly when we know God’s love for us and love him”.

    I know I tried everything else and nothing ever worked.

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  11. thorin25 says:

    Amen to that. By the way, it speaks volumes that your online name you used to comment with is, “a man.” You are living into that true identity. Seems simple and yet so many go around with false female personas online. Way to keep it real.

    Your sysiphus analogy is very interesting as well.

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  12. Michael29 says:

    I know this is an older posting of yours, but I was looking at some of your post to find one that was written from the perception of there truly being freedom from crossdressing – the words therein are words written from a heart and a mind that are at rest w/ envy and contempt & preoccupation w/ crossdressing. But the reason I was looking for a post like this one is because a few days ago, I was blessed by the Lord w/ an experience for a day w/o any real preoccupation for Crossdressing or believing & living in a perpetual state of believing that “women have more than men” in regards to any/all things feminine or perceived as feminine. So I was looking for a post like this to read about the same kind of mindset & the freedom that follows; this is a way of reminding myself of the joy in simply being, and not trying to compulsively try to make my own world out of fear of believing if I don’t do something, that it’s all going to fall apart around me. _ _ I said more than I was going to say, but it’s alright. Thank you for sticking through with trying to provide resources for others struggle w/ this, or someone who knows someone who struggles w/ this. : )

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Stephen says:

    Hi Thorn

    Interesting website and probably the most thorough Biblically speaking. I have just one question at the moment and please don’t take it the wrong way..
    Did your involvement in cding give you doubts about entering ministry? Did you ever consider it a disqualification? Apologies if you discussed this in any postings.

    Regards

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  14. thorin25 says:

    Hi Stephen, that is a good question. When I was young, I certainly felt like it did. I doubted whether I should be a leader in the Church, whether pastor or any other kind of leader. In fact, when I was in school to become a pastor, I actually talked that issue through with counselors.

    What I know now, that I didn’t realize back then, is that all of us are broken messed up people. Once you really talk intimately to anyone, you find out the junk on them. All pastors are sinful. Many are addicted to porn. Some are leading their churches out of pride rather than to give glory to God. Some neglect their families. Etc. But most of them, if they are true men of God, are repentant about these things, and always fighting these sins in their lives. But we cannot become perfect before entering ministry. Paul gave some pretty stringent regulations about church leaders, and when you read those passages about elders and deacons you wonder if anyone can really live up to those standards. Yet, at the same time, this same Paul, called himself the “worst of sinners.” So in the tradition of Paul, yes I can serve God in my brokenness, and he can use me in my brokenness. If I want to expand the examples out, I can see how God used Moses who had a temper, Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, their whole family of liars and schemers, David an adulterer and murderer, Peter the denier of Christ, Elijah the depressive one who quickly forgot God’s power, etc. The list goes on.

    However, there is a HUGE difference between someone like Paul, who confesses his sins, fights against sin, and lives a live of repentance and general holiness. That is very different from the pastor who is secretly giving in to pornography all the time, and living in sexual immorality.

    I DO think that a pastor in pornography addiction, or crossdressing addiction, should NOT be in ministry. When I first entered ministry I was repentant all the time, but I regularly failed every few weeks or every few months. I hadn’t quite kicked the addiction. So it was definitely a borderline thing of whether I should really be in ministry or not. Now, on the other hand, aside from an occasional failure, which I quickly repent of, I have kicked the addiction. We aren’t going to be perfect, but the pattern in our lives should be a pattern of holiness, with a few blips here or there, rather than a pattern of regular failing, with a few times of holiness here or there.

    If you are struggling with crossdressing, and are planning on ministry, I suggest you keep on pursuing your call to ministry, education, experience, what not. But also actively work to destroy this addiction in your life with God’s help. Destroy it now. Let today be day 1 of a new victorious life. Just make CD out of the question ever again. You can do it if you really want to.

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  15. Stephen says:

    Thorin

    Thank you for your reply.

    I am not a leader nor am I considering ministry myself though i do generally agree with what you say. The list of qualifications for elders / pastors etc in 1 Timothy and TItus is indeed of a very high standard that is probably unattainable for many. Some expositors point to the necessity of being ‘above reproach’ by citing the emphatic Greek term used and translated ‘must (be)’ in some Bible versions.However, the exact meaning of this remains difficult given the universality of sinfulness and the timing of disqualifying sins. For example, would a man be disqualified for post-conversion adultery or fornication committed long before entering ministry? Also, there is even disagreement over some of the more explicit requirements that are mentioned. For example, some believe Pastors’ kids must be converts while other don’t – and so on.

    I am not that surprised that many Christians struggle with porn although I was a bit shocked to learn that this is also true of many Pastors. Do you know any and how would you advise them?

    Regards

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  16. thorin25 says:

    I think some polls have shown upwards of 50% of pastors or more look at porn periodically. I would guess that the number of those pastors who are addicted would be quite low at 5-10%, but I would have to do some digging to find the studies and polls I have read before. For those that look at porn periodically (say once a year), and then repent afterwards. I don’t think they should step down from ministry. Those 5-10% that are repeatedly giving in, whether with repentance or no, they should step down and get help, and then once they’ve healed from and beaten the addiction, I would advise them resuming. Shouldn’t be a leader of God’s people if you are unable to keep self control and in the throes of sexual immorality. Church discipline is not done much at all period in the US anymore, but in an ideal world, where church discipline was carried out in a loving way for all manners of sin, then pastors in a porn addiction should be put under church discipline. The goal being to bring them to repentance, get them help to step, so that they can be restored.

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