Over the last few weeks, like normal, I have had just about zero crossdressing thoughts or temptations, besides of course when I log into my blog I obviously think about crossdressing. But one strange occurrence happened that I’d like to write about. I really like apocalyptic movies of any sort, movies in which a person is surviving alone in a broken world, or a small group of people surviving together. Maybe because I’ve been watching movies like this lately, suddenly a strange thought occurred in my mind last week. I suddenly thought about being alone in a world like this, and I asked myself whether I would crossdress in such a world?
Imagine this yourself if you can do so safely. But be careful, I don’t want to cause lustful fantasies for you to struggle with. Pray for God’s help first that you remain vigilant and don’t wander into lustful fantasy and masturbation. I imagined that everyone died of a zombie apocalypse or disease outbreak or climate change, or what have you. And if I was the only person left living in a city, would I go to the stores and find women’s clothing and put it on? From this thought experiment I learned a few things about myself.
1. There is still some latent crossdressing desire deep down inside me. I could see myself giving in to temptation in a world like that. It would be tough to resist, at least it would be hard not to fail at least once by going and getting fully dressed up as a woman wearing anything the heck I wanted from the mall with out anyone seeing me. Hopefully I’m never in such a situation (for obvious reasons), but I would hate to face such a hard temptation. I don’t know whether I would beat such a temptation or not. I hope I would, but as I thought about it, I could see a big possibility of failure.
2. I think this shows the importance of fellow Christians, the Church, and community. Why might I fail in such a situation but am not even anywhere close to failing in the situation I am in today? I think it is the strength of Christian community that God has given me, and us. We don’t fail because others around us will see. We don’t fail because of the expectations of others. We don’t fail because others are holding us accountable. We don’t fail because others are encouraging us, filling us up with their love, and supporting us. Critics might say, “ah ha! You are just not giving in because of what other people think.” That might be partially right, and in one way I agree that it’s a sad truth. We should want to live for God and as he wants, regardless of whether other people are around or not. But that’s not the whole story. Not failing because of other people around us is also a good thing. Living in community helps us to better ourselves, and be more who we are supposed to be. Living in community fulfills us. Living in community helps us to live for God as he intended. After all, God created humans in community. It was not good that Adam was alone. It was not meant to be just us and God alone. It was always meant to be all of us together with God. We need community. We need it now, and we will have it forever in the New Creation, in everlasting life with God and each other in the New World. So does living in community with others keep me from falling in to crossdressing? Yes, to a pretty great extent. But this is exactly how it should be and how God intended it.
Imagine a drug addict in a similar apocalyptic situation, if they had no community and they knew where limitless drugs were. It would be a tough situation for them as well. But thankfully, neither we, nor they, are in such a situation. We have community, help, and accountability, and that is what God wants us to have.
3. I learned that the frustrating nature of crossdressing as addiction would still apply even in that apocalyptic situation. Just imagining giving in to the crossdressing temptations in a world like that, I was frustrated by the addiction of it even in my fantasy. It’s an addiction that cannot be quenched. You give in, and you just want to give in more. You give in with clothes, and then you want to find fake breasts. You find fake breasts and then you want hormones or surgery. You look at yourself in the mirror and ogle yourself, and you can’t pull yourself away from it. You marvel at your own beauty but then you crave the feeling of others affirming your beauty. It’s an addiction! Even in the apocalypse I would detest this addiction. I would either have to stop giving in completely or I would DIE because I would spend all my time distracted by the addiction instead of finding food and water and other necessities of survival. I know that even if I did give in once to temptation in such a world, that it would probably be a brief episode which I would then quit once again. I would re-realize the foolishness of the addiction and hate it once again. It sucks your life away. It is a farce. It is a thirst which cannot be quenched by giving in. It is a thirst that can only be dealt with by NOT drinking of it. We instead need to live as the men we are, resist giving in, be filled up by God’s love, and live the life of purpose that he has for each of us.
It’s interesting to me that when this thought first occurred to me, it was a fantasy that I knew I had to resist dwelling on for too long, because it could become a lustful fantasy for me. But as I thought about it I realized that I couldn’t even truly enjoy the fantasy. The addictive frustrating component of it, the foolishness of it, was too much for me.