Crossdressing and The Lord of the Rings

In this post I want to analyze the similarities between my struggle with crossdressing and the power of the one ring in The Lord of the Rings books.  I am not writing this as a logical argument against crossdressing.  I’m just writing out of my own experience of what my crossdressing addiction was like for me in the past.  If this post does not resonate with your experience, so be it.  But what I describe is how I felt and how I perceive crossdressing, and I know from many conversations with other crossdressers, that they often feel this way as well.  If you have not read the Lord of the Rings books, this post probably won’t make much sense to you.  I did not feel like trying to summarize such an awesome and epic story, so I’m just writing for people familiar with the story.

Disclaimer – I am drawing an analogy between crossdressing and the one ring, but I am not perfectly equating them.  All analogies break down somewhere.  Obviously crossdressing is not the epitome of evil as the one ring is in the story.

 

I believe that Sauron’s one ring of power is a good symbol or analogy for any habitual sin of compulsion that we deal with, whether that be drugs, pornography, alcohol, or crossdressing.  Choosing to take hold of and bear the one ring seemed good, but it was really the way to destruction.  Similarly our sins might seem pleasurable but they lead to destruction not only in our lives, but also in our relationship with God as they are sins.

Some of the similarities between the one ring and crossdressing are obvious.  As the one ring weighed Frodo down, so these compulsive sinful addictions weigh us down.  They confuse us and corrupt us as the one ring did to Gollum and Frodo.  The one ring was very hard to resist, as these sins also are in our lives.  Over time the addictions get worse and worse, the more that we give in.  In the same way the hold the one ring had on Gollum and Bilbo and Frodo increased over time.  Their addiction to the ring became worse and worse so that it was harder and harder for them to be apart from it.  They wanted it more and more as we want our compulsive sins more and more.  Giving in to the temptation of putting on the one ring, only made the bearer want to wear it even longer and more often.  Giving in to our sins doesn’t take away the temptations but makes us only want them all the more often.   And the longer the bearers had the one ring, the more precious it became to them, so much so that they called it “their precious.”  I think the same thing happens with crossdressing, and the crossdresser’s image or alter-ego or clothing become precious to him.  The bearers of the one ring became very angry when they did not have possession of it.  How many of us crossdressers have become angry and irritated when we aren’t able to give in to our addiction?  The bearers of the one ring became very isolated socially.  I think this also often happens with crossdressers.

Just analyzing those similarities shows me what crossdressing was really like in my life and gives me the desire to destroy it once and for all as the fellowship needed to get rid of and destroy the one ring.  When you wake up and realize that crossdressing has a hold on you similar to how the ring had a hold on gollum, you stop wanting to give in to it so much.

 

Here are a few lessons I found by comparing crossdressing and the Lord of the Rings story

1. Everyone is tempted by the ring in the story, but not all of them give in.  Some resist the temptation and so they remain uncorrupted, and actually gain strength in a small way over Sauron by resisting his temptation.  This is a good reminder to me that we do not have to feel guilty and weighed down just because we have crossdressing desires.  Temptations are not sins.  Giving in to temptation is sin.  Gandalf and Galadriel wanted the ring but did not give in and were not corrupted.  If we do not give in to the crossdressing temptations, we will not become corrupted either, and we don’t need to feel guilty.

2.  The one ring deceives the characters in the story, much as crossdressing deceives us.  The bearers of the ring feel good and powerful while wearing it.  But when others see them, they see the corruption and confusion and possessiveness.  Sometimes the corruption actually frightens those who look at the bearers.  The ringwraiths are the prime example of this ultimate corruption, but even the flashes of anger in Bilbo and Frodo frighten Sam.  Much of the time Bilbo and Frodo were deceived and didn’t realize how much the ring was really changing them.  Crossdressing is often the same way.  It feels so good to us.  But it is deception.  We see a woman, and other people see a very confused man.  People try to get us to stop, but we don’t listen.  We create our own reality.  When I was crossdressing, I was stuck in a self-delusion about what I was doing, and the activity itself was causing me to have many secrets and lies and attempts to hide things from my family and later wife.

The ring also deceived people in that so many of the characters imagined using the ring for good.  Frodo thought of using the ring to rescue his fellow hobbits from the Barrow wights.  Boromir wanted to use the ring to save his people.  With all the characters, the ring whispered deceitful messages about how they could use it for good.  But in reality, the evil that they would do would far outweigh the good.  I am the king of rationalization.  In the past I rationalized so many times why crossdressing was either harmless or actually good for me.  But that doesn’t undo the sinful nature and destructive power of it.  I was deceived.

3.  The one ring and crossdressing about both about envy.  The lure of the one ring was about wanting power that people didn’t have and didn’t deserve.  It was a shortcut to becoming powerful and famous.  Crossdressing is about envying what women have and what women are.

4.  Gollum reminds me of crossdressers who have gone all the way, and been totally corrupted by their desires, destroying their lives, bodies, and marriages.   From my perspective they are people who have become utterly lost in their delusions and confusions. But like Frodo learned from Gandalf, these people deserve our pity, not our anger.  Many characters in the books wanted to kill Gollum because of how corrupted he had become, but Gandalf seemed to hold out hope for even him to change. At the very least Gandalf and Frodo had pity on Gollum because they knew the power of the ring and that it was the ring who messed him up.   Frodo understood this best because of his own experience with the ring and it gave him great compassion and pity for Gollum, knowing that what happened to Gollum was happening to him.   I am trying to have this same pity and compassion on crossdressers, knowing that but for God’s grace, I could have been just like them.

5.  The one ring might have had special powers, but it was a wearisome burden.  This was what crossdressing was like for me.  It was like a rock in my life that depressed me and gave me shame and put a cloud over everything.  When I finally gave up crossdressing it was like I shed 100 pounds.  I felt light and free and on top of the world.  And today I still enjoy this same freedom and joy at having this burden out of my life.

6.  The bearers of the one ring started to put all their thought to the ring.  It became an idol in their lives consuming all their time and energy.  This was definitely the case for me with crossdressing.  Giving in to the sin consumed all the time I could possibly give to it.  The remainder of my time was spent planning how I would dress, and how I could have the most time to give to the activity.  It was definitely an idol in my life.  The one ring finally became the only reason Gollum continued to exist.  It controlled his every action and decision.  I’m not sure crossdressing would ever get us quite to that point, but surely it was heading in that direction in my life.  The bearers of the ring thought they couldn’t live without it, and how many of us crossdressers have felt like we can’t live without crossdressing?  Or felt at least we couldn’t live happy lives without crossdressing?

7.  The desire for the ring didn’t always make sense to the characters in the story, just as our crossdressing desires don’t always make sense to us.  Frodo at times wanted to put on the ring and he didn’t even know why.  A voice in his head told him he shouldn’t, but at times he still wanted to resist his conscience, give in, and put on the ring.  How many times did I just feel drawn to put on a skirt or dress, like a magical or magnetic pull?  How many times did I want to put those things on and I didn’t even know why.  I couldn’t put any logical thought to it at times, I just knew I “needed” to do it.

A quote from the books about Frodo’s desire to put on the ring – “Something seemed to be compelling him to disregard all warnings, and he longed to yield.  Not with the hope of escape, or doing anything, either good or bad: he simply felt that he must take the Ring and put it on his finger.”

8.  Because of the one ring’s influence, Gollum becomes a divided being, speaking to himself as if he was two people.  Gollum was with the ring so long that he came to identify himself with it, so much so that he called both the ring, “my precious,” and also himself.  This is eerily similar to crossdressers believing that they have both a male and a female persona.  A man can crossdress so much that he identifies his very self with the fake female persona he has created.  Thankfully my crossdressing never reached that level.

 

At the end of the story, Sam and Frodo trudge up Mount Doom at the end of their strength.  But then Frodo is unable to reject the temptation of the ring, and he decides to keep the ring and not destroy it.  Thankfully, God, the hidden character, in his providence, still has a good plan to save everyone.  And what happened was that Gollum bit the ring off of Frodo’s finger, fell in the lava and was destroyed with the ring.  Finally Frodo was free and the world was saved.   From the end of the story, I want to draw out a few more similarities or lessons.

1. The solution of the problem of the ring was not power, but weakness.  Relying on power was only folly.  Powerful characters would succumb to use the ring instead of getting rid of it.  It was only small hobbits that could accomplish the task.  But even at the end, Frodo could not do it on his own.  It is not our own strength that beats temptation.  It is only God and the transformation of our heart.  Thankfully, Gollum’s presence made up for Frodo’s failure at the end.  But the lesson I think still stands.  We cannot expect to beat temptation on our own.  Frodo couldn’t and his matter was far more important.  By our own strength we fail.  We need God’s strength.  We need to recognize that we are weak, and rely on him.  We need God to empower us and transform our hearts.

1 Corinthians 1 – 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.  26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

2 Corinthians 12 – But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2.  We need accountability.  We need community.  The ring would never have been destroyed if Frodo tried to do it on his own.  It took a whole fellowship.  The need for help stands out most at the end.  There were many times that Frodo was about to give up, stop moving, and just die, but Sam kept him moving.  Sam kept Frodo from giving in to the lies of the ring.  Sam kept feeding Frodo and giving him energy.  Sam kept on reminding Frodo of the goal and the importance of reaching the goal.  At times Sam even physically carried Frodo up the mountain!   And last, Sam gave Frodo hope.  He kept up the hope that they could make it, that things could be okay.  Without hope, Frodo could not have kept going.  Without Sam, without the fellowship, Frodo would have never made it.

If we try to give up crossdressing on our own, I would venture to say that we will not make it either.  We need to have friends who will give us hope that we can indeed actually give up crossdressing for good.  We need friends who will keep us moving.  We need accountability partners who will help us sort out the lies from the truth.  We need partners who will give us encouragement, remind us of God’s forgiveness, and even carry us at times when we feel so weak.  We need friends who will remind us of our goals.  We need to fight this addiction together, not by ourselves.  We need friends who will give us hope.

3.  When Frodo was finally free of the ring, he felt free and unburdened.  But we find later in the story that he still had some lingering pain from his wounds.  He eventually was able to go to the undying lands because life for him was still hard even after the ring was gone.  There are some comparisons and contrasts here with my own life.  Firstly, I have some residual wounds.  The addiction is gone, but sometimes I still have to pay for the consequences of what I have done in the past – the lies, the bad memories, and the wasted time.  Secondly, there are still lingering desires that come up every once in a while, especially in dreams.  They are reminders of the addiction and reminders that I need to be vigilant.  I’d love to be 100% free from these desires, but I will have to be content with being 90-95% free of them.

But unlike Frodo, I do not have wounds that make me unhappy and needing to escape this world.  Not at all.  I am able to live an abundant joyful worthwhile fulfilling life now that the crossdressing is gone.   I hope for the same for you too!

4.  We can’t force someone to give up crossdressing just as no one could make another character give up the ring.  A quote of Gandalf speaking to Frodo – “Already you too, Frodo cannot easily let it go, nor will to damage it.  And I could not ‘make’ you – except by force, which would break your mind.”   We need to let people have the freedom to continue to crossdress.  We can’t force anyone, only counsel them.  It’s ultimately between them and God.

 

 

On a last note, let me mention something from The Silmarillion, another book by the same author.  In The Silmarillion we see an account of the creation of Middle Earth.  Even though it is fiction is a beautiful account of creation, and it makes me praise God for the way he has made our world.  God brings creation into existence through a song, and his angels take part in making the music, thus taking part in making the creation.  While harmonious music is the author Tolkien’s analogy to creation, discord in the music is his analogy for the Fall into sin.  Melkor, an angelic spirit, wants to create his own music theme and creates something that is not harmonious with God’s music.  But God, being all powerful and awesome, is able to take Melkor’s discord, and weave it into his music so that the final result is even more beautiful than it was to begin with.  Thus God takes even our mistakes and our suffering and weaves it into his plan so that the result is even more beautiful than before.

In this view, Tolkien’s view of sin is that it is always just a perversion of the good, not something created anew.  I think that this has ramifications for crossdressing as well.  Let me give a quote from “the Gospel according to Tolkien” and then I will explain.

“Tolkien demonstrates, exactly to the contrary, that sin is always a twisting and distortion and perversion of the Good.  “Marring” is his favorite metaphor for the work of evil.  It cannot destroy or undo goodness, but it can certainly tarnish and blight it.  Since evil lives always as a parasite off the Good, the demonic Melkor was unable to produce any original or free creatures.  He could manufacture only parodies and counterfeits.  In addition to the carnivorous trolls that he bred in scorn for Ents, he has made the hideous orcs in mockery of elves.  ‘The Shadow that bred (the orcs) can only mock,’ Frodo observes deep within the interior of Mordor, ‘it cannot make: not real new things of its own.  I don’t think it gave life to the orcs, it only ruined them and twisted them.”

This quote makes me think of crossdressing.  God created male and female, and they were and are beautiful.  Humanity in its two forms was the crown of creation.  But we as crossdressers, what we do is mock the good creation.  We mock the female form that God has made.  We try to produce our own counterfeit females.  We pervert that which was good.  We pervert ourselves, males made in the image of God, and mock females made in the image of God.  We end up with a mixed form which is a perversion and fits neither beautiful form that God had made.  I want to uphold the beauty of God’s creation.  I’m tired of marring it.  Instead of trying to compete with God’s song, let us sing harmoniously with God’s melody.

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7 comments on “Crossdressing and The Lord of the Rings

  1. Vivienne says:

    Hi Thorin,

    This is a detailed and powerful article. The Lord of the Rings has long been one of my favourite works (though I haven’t read the Silmarillion). I enjoy the fact that the story consists of a tapestry of events, with a myriad of characters having roles to play in the narrative. I enjoy the fact that there are subtle but momentous themes running through: linguistic and pseudohistorical themes, reflecting Tolkien’s scholarship; religious and spiritual themes, reflecting his views as a religious thinker. (He was, as I am sure you know, friends with C.S. Lewis, but unlike Lewis, Tolkien did not write directly about his religious views).

    I like the fact that the race which is least susceptible to the power of the Ring is the race of hobbits, ostensibly the weakest and least significant race in Middle Earth. Gandalf dare not touch the Ring, but Frodo (and earlier Bilbo) could pick it up and carry it around without much effect, at least, at first. The implication is that hobbits are pure, with no interest in wealth or power or worldly pursuits.

    The One Ring is a metaphor for evil and sin on many levels, and I understand entirely why you feel it applies to crossdressing (and I think many of your reasons are well-explained above). It is an object of apparently little significance: a ring, an adornment, which outwardly looks puny. But its power lies in its ability to corrupt so subtly that its bearers don’t realise what is happening (and we see this in the gradual erosion of the relationship between Frodo and Sam): Sam realises the Ring is twisting Frodo’s soul, yet Frodo himself doesn’t realise the effect the Ring is having on him.

    And the Ring is seductive; it whispers to you on a level below conscious thought, making empty promises. Tolkien uses characters like Boromir to show us that, no matter how brave and noble and desirous of doing right (as Boromir was), humans (“Men”) are more or less helpless against the corrupting power of the ring.

    I realise that you have many reasons to associate crossdressing with sin, but I think there are many (if not all) types of sin which could be equally well associated with the One Ring. As you know, I don’t share your concept that crossdressing is inherently sinful, though it can (as we have discussed) certainly be a negative force in some people’s lives.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, there are some odd-looking fellows in black robes with spiky crowns hanging about outside my house. I’m just going to go and see what they want.

    Vivienne.

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  2. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the comment Vivienne. We have similar tastes. Lord of the rings and middle earth in general is my favorite fantasy world to read about (as well as games that go in that world). It’s so rich, and teaches you so much about life and justice and wisdom, unlike so much fantasy works today. It’s a story that both Christians and non-Christians can enjoy.

    You are right that religion doesn’t come out so directly in Tolkien’s writings. But I suggest you read the Silmarillion, and The Gospel according to Tolkien, and you’ll find some very interesting religious themes. Or have you read them? I’m sure you would enjoy the Silmarillion a lot. I started it once and thought it was just boring genealogies, but when I read it again I realized that it was one big story full of interesting characters and events.

    I would advise keeping your distance from those robed dudes outside your house 😉

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  3. Michael29 says:

    I seriously have so much difficulty believing – though truthfully, I’m very hesitant to believe – that a man is “beautiful” in really any respects. This is quite bold of me to say – because I know that a part of me knows I’m a fool when I state this, but I truly find everything external & everything internal ( at least the stereotype, but truly more…the outside of a male & the absence of the feminine ) to be truly a tragedy. (In reference to all the above that is male)

    I find that the very idea that wearing soft, delicate, beautiful clothing to be ONLY feminine ( or that it should be only, as in our culture seeing it to be ) is CRAZY. I feel like a man is suppose to only love feminine & feminine things in though, word & deed & not be allowed to be himself . That he should only sacrifice & give to his wife (& daughter(s) if applicable ) things that are beautiful & pretty & cute. As though he isn’t worth being able to love – but also – to engage in & share actively in such things w/ his wife (and daughter(s) if it so applies). Why can’t he have a life? What if this is the only thing that his heart has in regard to having a passion for? Or an interest, or whatever? What if he’s simply fed up w/ most typical “masculine” activities?

    In all truthfullness, I don’t know how to be a man. But at the same time, I don’t really long to know – especially when “man” is such a disturbing & revolting though(s) & image(s) that come to my mind.

    Some times I seriously think that before I struggled in this way, it’s as though, possibly, maybe, I was getting message – at least perceiving that women were continually stating that men are the problem – their crazy traits are the problem. But, when I revealed to my mom about 7 years back about my longings to a woman, I was told that men a man is a great thing! I’m getting conflicting messages here!!

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Michael I’m writing a post that will be more thorough, about some of the stuff I was writing to you about before. But it might not be out for a while yet. I hope you can patiently wait for it. I hope it will be really helpful for men like you.

    Keep in mind something.

    Most transsexuals, men who actually start living as women, who go through all of the medical procedures, as far as I know, they don’t have this same feeling against men that you have.

    It sounds to me like your hurt, your feelings, are more a response to something that happened in your life, maybe a memory you even buried. If you really felt you were a woman, you might actually be attracted to men, or at least neutral towards them, but just not feel like one yourself. But your case is very different. In your case, you actually dislike men, find them ugly, find them a lower form of creation. I know you don’t think this logically, but that’s basically what you are saying that’s how you feel.

    Like your mom said, real women do like men. Even lesbian women appreciate men in their lives.

    Men in some cultures, used to wear soft fancy clothing, even some wore long flowing gowns or high heels. But I don’t share your opinion that that would make them look better. But it’s fine if you disagree. As far as soft, delicate clothing, I’m sure that you are right that there is no reason, other than cultural tradition, that men should not be allowed to wear such clothing. However, unless you are just a super tactile person, I don’t understand why this is such an important thing? Do you think most women would be as distraught and depressed if they couldn’t wear such clothing? As you’ve pointed out elsewhere, most women don’t wear such clothing all the time though they can. Many prefer pants and t-shirts or sweatshirts, etc. They just want to be “comfortable” much to the disappointment of husbands who would prefer them to be wearing more silky or sexy things! My situation I’m about to describe doesn’t really sound like you, but perhaps think it through. For me, I love those silky soft fancy things too, but I like them for sexual reasons. I enjoyed putting them on because it turned me on sexually. And when my wife wears them it turns me on sexually. But for you, it seems that it’s not sexual? That for some reason you think you’d actually be more comfortable? I don’t know. Just interesting to think through.

    Who says men can’t have a life, or passions? What in your upbringing made you see men this way? Perhaps your father had a rough life? The men I know have real lives, and enjoy them. They love playing with their kids, they like their jobs, they like to cook, they like their hobbies, they like taking walks, reading, spending time with their wives. Are these masculine things? No. These are human things. Does he have to play football and roughhouse? No. Most of my male friends and relatives do not. Is someone telling you that you are not allowed to do things like knitting, dancing, cooking, painting, decorating, babysitting, or whatever it is you feel like you are not allowed to do as a man? Have courage and do them, if they are the things you want to do. Dressing yourself up to appear as a lady I would not include in that list, but otherwise the sky is the limit.

    Because I care about you, and because we’ve talked a lot before, I hope you won’t take this bad. But really please consider getting a counselor to help you think through your childhood. It seems there could be some kind of trauma there. For example, I would imagine someone who was sexually molested by a man or physically abused by a man (or who knows what other kind of event), could then grow up fearing and disgusting the very sight of a male body, or strongly male personality. Please take time to think about this yourself.

    Next time you see a male body, whether yours or someone elses, or think about what it means to be a man, and then you feel that disgust or loathing or whatever word you want to use, stop and try to identify in that moment what is really going on inside of you. What is it that you are disgusted at, is it really that objectively a male body looks gross? Or is it something deeper.

    I’m not gay, but I think the male body can be objectively a beautiful thing. Especially when a man is in shape and muscular. I have come to accept my own body as a beautiful part of God’s creation. Of course, I’m not attracted to a male body in a sexual way, as I am towards my wife and female bodies. But I can still say that I look at them as a good part of God’s creation, amazing in its design. I hope that one day you will be able to feel that way too. But in the meantime, the first step in that direction is to try to more fully understand your feelings and the cause of them.

    That’s my humble opinion, which you didn’t ask for, but since you keep talking to me about it, I felt comfortable continuing to give you responses. I hope it helps, and know that I keep praying for you.

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  5. Michael29 says:

    Yes, of course I can wait for your post that you plan to come out w/.

    Deep down, I’m pretty sure I know I’m not a woman. I know I don’t like men, & yes I do tend to find them repulsive. As for “why”, I’m not entirely sure what the root cause is, though I have some ideas. I know that my own father is quite limited in personality & though he’s been pretty good at fighting for the family in regards to financial supporting, & trying to keep & maintain things in the home & our vehicles, he’s very “limited”, as I put it. – – – The truth is that the things I’ve stated, he’s done, & that’s not a small feat! I don’t feel good about how I’m talking about him, & how I’ve done so in the past, but I don’t understand how he couldn’t be any of these other things – like emotionally available, being someone who knows how to talk to other people, who has friends. etc. My father doesn’t have friends & never really has. I understand this to an extent, because I’ve been isolated from people & having friends for all of my life til the last 5 years. & I understand that his raising – though Christian, it was still not a raising that didn’t truly reflect Jesus & his goodness! His older brother use to beat him up when he was young, & his parents allowed it because they thought it would “toughen him up” because he was rather shy & I guess he seemed “Odd” to his parents. So they justified something completely unjustifiable. In addition, my father’s older brother use to smother him w/ a pillow in his sleep when he was young, which my father only recently – w/ in the last 3 years started to remember from his early childhood. This would screw anyone up!

    I just don’t know at the moment on this, but I guess part of the problem is that I see weaknesses of mine in him when I see him…or peculiar. He’s always been very eccentric. He’s almost always been the one between my father & mother, that when one of them is at fault for something, it’s almost always been my father. It seems like it’s always his fault more so for things from early moments till now, & it’s still going on. & the thought of having to one day be responsible for a wife, & then children as well frightens the daylights out of me! Don’t get me wrong, I WANT DESPERATELY to be a husband that loves God, his wife, his children like Jesus to his children. And for a wife who I love to love God, our children & I! I want her to know I adore her femininity!!! I want her to know that she’s safe w/ me, & that I’ll fight for her, protect her, – the same for children we have – and all of this & more through loving God first! I want her to know that she doesn’t have to sacrifice more than me, because simply because a mother & wife tend to sacrifice more so than most men in our culture these day, that still, that’s not going to be the case for her!! I’m not going to be a sorry, pathetic husband for her!! …w/ all of this said, I’m scared! I’m terrified of being someone who’s been called by God to be a leader – to guide her – that it’s my responsibility – a role I’ve been given to lead for her, to be a leader for her physical needs, financial….and spiritual too!! This is substantial; the responsibility!! I just know that I’m a terrified little child still that gets scared, anxious & to the point of despair over finding a better job, a better education to get said job, to take on more responsibility to plan for the future! I don’t understand how this is all going to happen! I’m scared! I’m terrified of uncertainty all the time!

    As for your largest paragraph about what women wear, I often find that even simple clothes that women wear are terribly tempting & produce envy in me! If clothes they wear are tighter like women’s clothing usually is, no matter how fancy they are, I feel really weird & ugly & unworthy! & then I think about what most men usually wear that’s more baggy, & then I’m ashamed of other men & then myself because women simply look better because they actually wear clothes that fit them & their figure better than most men. I try to wear tighter things – which I prefer it that way naturally – but it’s hard because a lot of men’s things aren’t made so tight! I often feel compulsively compelled to stack up to women on everything – as though they’re continually expecting me to match up or they’ll reject me, or they’ll think less of my gender w/ other women, & then conclude that men are pathetic & they might as well just better be good friends w/ women instead of being w/ men.

    The last part of my last paragraph is merely a way I know my feelings are going when I’m thinking these thoughts through most days, & it’s not meant to necessary mean so in the complete literal.

    As for more silky things, I do get turned on sexually by them as well, but I also like them in non-sexual ways too! I think they’re cute & they give a feeling of being free-spiritedness & someone who’s softer & more gentle. Someone who has imagination & loves others! Hmm…I’m not really sure how to describe it! I think what’s big about this is that I simply idolize femininity & think it’s better in all respects! I just simply want to forget everything about masculininity – at least in the stereotype or more typical form. I don’t even really like things most men like to do – I just simply want to be different from them. I honestly tend to think women are delusional for liking men – it seems like they’re getting the short end of the stick. I don’t want them to settle for that. I often believe I & other men are the worst thing for women.

    Thank you for your care. I want to assure you, that even though I think of men in poor ways, I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your help. I often try to simply ignore my thoughts on men who are my friends & those who are trying to help me. Thank you : )

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Check our group Michael, I sent you the draft of the post I was referring to. I can’t promise it will be helpful, but it’s worth a read.

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  7. thorin25 says:

    The funny thing I know women who tend to think exactly the same way you do, but about women, not men. They don’t like other women, and would much rather have been men. Oh how we are all so messed up. Thank you Lord Jesus for the grace he has shown to me and to you

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