I think a lot of people have written about their relationships with their mothers, in regards to our gender confused feelings or desires to crossdress. But what about our fathers? I’m interested in your comments below to see what common themes might emerge. For me three things stand out in my relationship to my father in relation to these issues.
1. I had an excellent relationship with my father from birth to present. I experienced love and affection from him, as well as friendship. He was a very caring father, played with us children, and worked hard to take care of our family. He taught me many excellent life skills and taught me so much about the Christian faith though his words and example. At times, he was often home late because of work, but I never resented him for that.
2. My father did not talk to me about sex at all (nor did my mother). I grew up very confused about my sexual feelings. Apparently, I did not feel comfortable asking my parents any questions for some reason. I knew I was supposed to like girls, but I didn’t really understand physical attraction. As I went through puberty (later than most other boys), I had no idea what was going on with wet dreams and erections during the day. I had sex education in school, but for some reason it did not stick, or I did not understand it. I had some crossdressing dreams and thoughts way back into elementary school, but I wonder what would have happened if my father had talked to me about sexuality, erections, masturbation, etc. Might I not have developed such a strong crossdressing addiction? When I was first crossdressing and having an erection, I knew it was pleasurable, but did not know much beyond that. I did not even understand masturbation in early high school. Perhaps if I had known more about erections and masturbation I would not have continued to crossdress knowing that that was not the normal or correct way to have sexual pleasure.
Because my parents never talked to me about sex, I was a child that was vehemently against pornography, fornication, and even too much physical touch between boyfriends and girlfriends. I was not taught at all about the goodness of attraction or sex. I think perhaps I shunned it so much, that I delved into crossdressing instead. Crossdressing was the unknown and therefore I didn’t think of it as very sinful, whereas pornography would have been unthinkable. If I had been taught that it was okay and good to be attracted to girls and what real sexuality was all about, I would hopefully have not felt so bad or weird about being attracted to girls, and felt more uncomfortable with being aroused by crossdressing. If you grow up thinking sexual feelings towards others are dirty and wrong, then I think that naturally leads to a sexual outlet which is focused on yourself instead of others. Who knows what would have happened, but I do wonder how much my father not talking about sex played into me developing this addiction.
3. My father did not seem to take great pride in his appearance. He dressed up moderately for work. He definitely was not a slob. But he didn’t take great care of his body and physical health. In addition he did not care much about style. He went shopping for clothes once a year at most, and mostly wore t-shirts when not at work. I think I copied or developed his disposition in this way. It’s odd though. My crossdressing self could enjoy accessorizing, and fashion, and changing outfits, for hours. My crossdressing self had a great sense of style and eye for beauty. But as far as my real male self, I just did what my father did, and wore jeans and t-shirts unless I was forced to dress up for something. I took no pride in my appearance, while at the same time being ashamed of my appearance.
I’m not blaming my father for anything in this regard. But I wonder if part of the lure of crossdressing is to be able to delve into fashion and enjoy taking pride in our appearance. If our fathers taught us how to make ourselves look good as men, that would have been one less point in favor of crossdressing. If men everywhere learned how to take care of their appearance and enjoy making themselves look good as men, this would help as well I think.
Okay thoughts everyone? Perhaps I’m reading into these situations, so please tell me about your relationship with your fathers, so we can see if there are any parallels.