10 Minute Relapse

At first, I did not think this would be an enjoyable post to write. I would much rather just keep this information to myself. But I felt God calling me to share this on my blog because I know I have many readers who are fighting crossdressing temptations themselves. They are reading about my experience and trying to learn from it and find hope in my story. But if my story is going to help anyone, it first of all needs to be a true story.  After writing this post, I’ve felt some joy in having done it, knowing that it will give others some help in their own recoveries.

So let me be honest. I crossdressed last week. I hate to admit it, but it happened. I put on a couple of dresses for ten minutes or less. It ended with masturbation and disgust. I am not only disappointed in giving in to such an action that I have come to hate, an action that I consider sinful. I am also very disappointed to have broken my streak of victory over crossdressing. I was coming up next month to three years of complete and total abstinence regarding crossdressing. (I can’t say that I’ve been fully abstinent in my mind, and in what I’ve seen on the computer, but as far as actual crossdressing, I was coming up to three years). In the last three years I have not crossdressed so much as even to slip on a woman’s shoe for a few seconds.

The slight crossdressing episode reminded me very much of why I stopped crossdressing in the first place. It was immediately apparent that the activity was not as pleasurable as I was hoping it would be. In fact, it was quite lame. Immediately afterwards, I was reminded of how pointless the activity is, how much it is a waste of time, how ugly it is, how unfulfilling it is, how worthless it is, and just how wretched I feel after doing it. The few seconds of sexual pleasure were not worth it. When confessing to my accountability partners, I felt so much shame and embarrassment. And at first, I felt complete shame and embarrassment imagining sharing this information on my blog. I no longer feel that way. Once I spent with God and experienced his love and forgiveness, the shame and guilt went away.

I did not want to share this information because I figured there would be a lot of crossdressers out there who would take it as proof that you cannot give up crossdressing. I was worried people would give up hope. But such a view is illogical. It makes no sense at all. What happened to me was a slight relapse. It would be as if an alcoholic took a little drink after three years of abstinence, only to regret the decision and go back to abstinence. This little glitch in my three years of victory only goes to prove how victorious I have been. Crossdressing really has been out of my life. Ten minutes of crossdressing doesn’t change the wonderful freedom of the last few years, and it doesn’t change the freedom I will continue to have from this day forward. This was a slight failure after three years of perhaps subconscious building temptations, but it doesn’t change anything about how crossdressing is still out of my life, and I’m still enjoying not being a slave to it anymore. The temptations are usually not there. The desires for crossdressing have diminished to the point of non-existence most days and weeks. I’m not sure why I was tempted this particular day. But once again now, a week later, the temptations are gone. And even if they come again, I know I have the freedom to say “no” to giving in.

So don’t let my story make you lose hope. Let it give you hope. Let it give you hope that even if you have a failure here or there, there is still freedom to be had. It is still possible to give up crossdressing. I failed only because I made the choice to fail. I could have easily not have given in. And that choice was a choice I regret. Whatever temptations were building over the last few years found their release in those minutes, and I’m ready to begin again living in victory. It holds no power over me.

Now I’m ready to live in grace again. I’m not driven to give up crossdressing by fear of God or Hell. I’m driven to give it up because living without it is experiencing a more abundant and joyful life. And I’m driven by God’s love.

Thank you Lord Jesus for your mercy and grace. I do not trust in myself and my own holiness for my salvation. I trust in your righteousness alone Jesus for my salvation. I am not going to wallow in guilt and shame. Shame is not what you want for me. I know the grace and love of my Lord. I know that you don’t keep a record of my sins. I know that I don’t need to feel a burden of guilt for past mistakes. I am going to move forward in freedom, grace, love, and joy, in you Lord Jesus. Lord, give me strength to make it four years of victory this time!”

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18 comments on “10 Minute Relapse

  1. Don says:

    Thorin,

    Thanks for being honest and admitting your mistake. I am hoping that you do not experience the fall off the cliff that I used to experience after a long period like that, and from reading what you said, it sounds like you won’t. You have over time developed a resistance to acting out because your body had gotten used to doing without the high that crossdressing generates. Your withdrawal process has been long.

    You said that you don’t know what brought about the event in the first place. Probably it was an accumulation of things and then one more thing to get it started. Most likely it was brought about by an emotional need.

    Here is where a word about the anti-androgens I take might help. You are still capable and vulnerable to the sexual high that comes with crossdressing, and that’s why you had to masturbate before you could stop crossdressing. With an anti-androgen you will never get to the point where you will want to crossdress. You just will not get to the point where emotion will cause you to want to create a sexual situation.

    Because of the level of drug I am taking, I am still capable of sex, but it takes my wife initiating love making to get me excited, or I have to make a conscious logical effort to start love making, rather than a self generated emotional reaction. It’s a small price to pay and actually your life is not just one big temptation continuously.

    I can truly say that after 2 and a half years I still have not had any real temptations. I still see things that I used to like and when I see them I admit to myself that I used to like them and I still think they are beautiful, but there is no emotional or sexual reaction to resist.

    Don

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  2. Exquido says:

    “I can’t say that I’ve been fully abstinent in my mind, and in what I’ve seen on the computer” Here is your problem !Total abstinence is required to succeed. Stay off the sites and change the thought to change the feeling. But i admire your honesty.Good luck !

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Don.

    Exquido, I totally agree. I believe those thoughts and acting out on the computer are still sinful and are just as harmful. Fortunately those times have also been rare over the last 3 years. Those are not activities I allow myself to do.

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  4. Erich Eden says:

    Brother – press on! May God continue to bless and keep you. I am free for just a bit more then 5 months. Jesus is in control. As far as I am concerned it could happen any moment. HE has the victory! Be blessed! ERIC

    Healing from Crossdressing wrote: thorin25 posted: “At first, I did not think this would be an enjoyable post to write. I would much rather just keep this information to myself. But I felt God calling me to share this on my blog because I know I have many readers who are fighting crossdressing temptations “

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  5. robmilliken says:

    Openly honest confession Pastor, there’s not one of us on this site that hasn’t fallen prey to internet related cd fantasies, if not full blown cd’ing. That’s why we’re here! Jesus forgives you so please don’t beat yourself up…. There was a time when I would have put down suggestions like Don’s regarding the use of drugs like anti-androgens. However as you know Jesus tells us that it would be better to enter into heaven with no “bleep”, than to enter hell with one. That said I often take OTC night time formula cold and flu remedies. Because they knock me out making the job of ignoring my over active imagination regarding cd’ing fantasies at night, effortless. I agree Thorin we weren’t “born” cd’ers, but many of us have been masturbating, cd’ing, etc.. In my case since age 5 and after decades of sin the body naturally craves it.. But that’s why we have to pray and stay in the word to bring the flesh into submission to The Holy Spirit..
    In Christ, Rob

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Erich. And well done! The beginning is by far the hardest part, it gets so much easier. Soon you will be living freely without thinking about it. But even if it remains a hard struggle, the struggle is worth it.

    Rob, I’m not against Don’s method of treatment, but I know for me it’s not necessary. 10 minutes of crossdressing in 3 years is not enough for me to need medication 🙂 It’s easy to resist this stuff. And part of the Christian life is learning to resist temptation. I think medication can be helpful, and even Don’s specific suggestion, but it is also helpful, and extremely important, for each person to learn how to develop self control in the face of temptations.

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  7. thorin25 says:

    Don, thanks again for the comment. Did you ever hear from other crossdressers if they tried your method?

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  8. Don says:

    For me there was no other way. I tried the willpower route for most of my life, did tons of counseling, support groups for years, 12 step, you name it, and every time I broke down and fell deeply, I had 3 separations from my wife. For me drugs are the only thing that works.

    I am not sure if we “have to pray and stay in the word to bring the flesh into submission to The Holy Spirit”, as robmillikin has said when it comes to crossdressing. Millions have tried that and failed. I am not saying that does not work for other things, non-addiction sins, but with addiction you have to do that and more.

    I can quote 1 Corinthians, “no temptation has overtaken you …..but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it”.

    What is this way of escape. It could be anything. I don’t think it means prayer and staying in the word or anything religious, otherwise Paul would have said that.

    Is your willpower working when you look at internet stuff or think about crossdressing?. Is your way out willpower. It can’t be because it did not work.

    It’s kind of like my 85 year old mother-in-law. She insists that she does not need a walker or cane, yet she has fallen and broken her arm twice in one year. She wills to not fall, but refuses to use something that will help. She is afraid of how it would look.

    You have told me that you don’t need to go that far to stop acting out, but you have not said why. What is the reason, other than you don’t think you need it?

    No, I have not heard from anyone else that tried my method. I think that the barriers are that no one wants to cut their sex desire even 50%, or they are afraid to talk to a doctor about their crossdressing, or they are afraid of what their wife would think.

    My wife was dead set against it until I did some research, had two Christian counselors that I had been seeing, see the research and then they talked to my wife. I had asked my wife many times before the last breakdown I had, where I went to live as a woman for 3 months, that I wanted to take the drugs. She would not support it, and threatened divorce, saying I would lose my manhood.

    After the last breakdown and almost getting a divorce because of it, and talking to the counselors, she finally agreed. She knows now that I have never been happier in my whole life and our 30 year marriage.

    Don

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  9. thorin25 says:

    Don, it’s definitely not just willpower for me. I’ve talked about other things that have helped me in my steps to stop crossdressing post.

    Definitely need a good purpose in your life, something that fulfills you and keeps you going.
    Need time in the Word and prayer.
    Need to cultivate healthy sexual desires towards your wife if you are married.
    Analyze why your CD desires are there for you uniquely and how you can meet those needs in other healthy ways besides crossdressing.
    For me at times I did rewards/punishments system to learn self control.
    Helping others to stop their addictions also helped.

    Will these things be enough for every person? I don’t know. I would hope so, but I don’t know. Sometimes addictions seem to take something more (like a rehab program in the case of drugs). So again Don, please don’t mistake me, I didn’t rule out what you said for others, just saying I didn’t need it myself.

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  10. Don says:

    Thorin, I agree with you on all the things you are doing. Finding other ways and things to make your life exciting helps a lot. For me, it’s my relationship with Deb, keeping it at almost a honeymoon level and she loves it. Having meaningful contact with other people, and always staying in the word daily before I do anything else at the start of the day.

    I had that at times before but they were not enough because of addiction and the desire to live as a woman was my every minute thought before, no matter how good my life was.

    We are all different and we both have found the way to freedom. God Bless.

    Don

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  11. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Don for all your comments and encouragement!

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  12. Sensitive Guy says:

    Thanks for your honesty, it is greatly appreciated. The longest I’ve gone without any crossdressing was 18 years, and when I returned I did keep it limited.

    I believe we need to gain more appreciation for manly virtues, basically adopting Christ as our model: self-sacrifice, serving others, protecting the weak, fixing problems, strength, courage, and protecting our values.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. thorin25 says:

    Amen to that!

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  14. Shel says:

    Thanks for your honesty. I’ve read through all of your posts over the last couple months, but haven’t commented yet. I used to be a Christian and even took 1 year post-secondary study, but I’ve since turned to Atheism… I can at least understand, follow and appreciate what you’re trying to say and I respect your writing, even if I don’t agree with some of your opinions or religious beliefs.

    Anyway, I have been seeing a therapist and am only a few weeks away from starting HRT. I’ve been soul-searching to see if this is something I really need to do and I’ve been reading many websites and books to ensure that I’m making an informed decision while considering other options and “treatments”. Your website has certainly provided a useful balance against some of the “do whatever you feel like/need to” resources. This post does help to reaffirm your own comments about how the feelings will never go away which certainly makes me sad. However, I can get hope from reading your reaction and response.

    You also recently posted a link to another article that I thought was interesting. I thought I would share another site that seems to fit in with a lot of what you’ve been talking about:
    http://thirdwaytrans.com/2014/07/23/erotic-imprinting-overview/

    I’ll probably go back and reply to some of your other posts as I have time. Thanks again for sharing!

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  15. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Shel for the link. I will surely read that when I get some time. I’ve noted it down for later.

    Thank you for your comments on my blog. Debates about atheism are certainly outside the scope of this blog, but I still want to say, I’d love to talk to you more over email if you are up for it. I struggled with many doubts about my faith in the past, both personal, and philosophical/logical doubts. I made it through them and have very strong faith today. But I’ve dealt with the hardest arguments against the Christian faith. Maybe I could give you some good book recommendations to read to give you more interesting thoughts on the issues.

    If you continue to read my other posts, you will see that I think there are many many many practical reasons to avoid crossdressing (and avoid pursuing sex change), even if one is not a Christian, even if God does not exist. Too much to say about that in this short post. But if you keep reading my other posts on crossdressing and posts about transgender ideology, you’ll see some more of my thoughts.

    Thank you

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  16. Buck Ofama says:

    So far, I’ve not seen anything on this page that explains why it’s a BIG FAT DIRTY ROTTEN SIN for a man to wear female close and then wax the dolphin. I suppose you probably think that, if you don’t dress up and wank, you are somehow “healed”. But you know damned well that you still want to jack off, and you probably do jack off anyway… and feel JUST AS GUILTY about it.

    So, what will you tell me? I know: dressing in women’s clothes is an evil, reprobrate, disgusting SIN… and you probably think this because you also think that crossdressing makes you QUEER, right?

    Well, no, it doesn’t. I dress up and jack off because I am disgusted with the dating bullshlt, the time and money I have to put into it for NOTHING. Wearing some lingerie and jacking off is far more pleasurable than all the fvckin’ crap we have to go through with these bitchy women.

    When I’ve had my session, I often don’t even think about lingerie for several days. A big fat dirty rotten sin… or just being human?

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  17. thorin25 says:

    Buck, I don’t appreciate the language, so keep it clean in your next comment or I won’t approve it.

    I understand that masturbating while wearing female clothing is easier than a real committed relationship, in which you have to work on the difficulties of serving one another, working out communication, discovering how to love, etc. But God intended for us to have relationships with real people, as hard as they are, rather than a fake sexual relationship with ourselves.

    As to why i think it’s sinful – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/summary-of-why-crossdressing-is-sinfulharmful/

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  18. Don says:

    Dear Buck, the reason it’s a sin is because God gave us sex to have a relationship with a woman. Using it that way does not lead to addiction, and if can have sex with yourself, you are isolated and alone, and he never meant us to be all alone. He wants us to be happy and loved by someone.

    Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places for a woman. There are many very happy couples out there, you just have to get yourself out there in the right venues and make lots of friends, and something good will happen.

    The other thing about having sex with yourself is that it keeps you too satisfied sexually. God meant your sex drive to put enough pressure on you that you will use your mind first, and use your male abilities of problem solving to find a way to have a mate.

    The sex drive is the force that helps you with that challenge, and the reward is that you will find someone who will love you and make you happy.

    By your language you seem to feel angry and frustrated. Please turn to God, pray for what you really want, and believe that he will help you even before he does, and just knowing that it’s only a matter of time will take your frustration away. Then do all the right things and enjoy yourself.

    Don

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