At first, I did not think this would be an enjoyable post to write. I would much rather just keep this information to myself. But I felt God calling me to share this on my blog because I know I have many readers who are fighting crossdressing temptations themselves. They are reading about my experience and trying to learn from it and find hope in my story. But if my story is going to help anyone, it first of all needs to be a true story. After writing this post, I’ve felt some joy in having done it, knowing that it will give others some help in their own recoveries.
So let me be honest. I crossdressed last week. I hate to admit it, but it happened. I put on a couple of dresses for ten minutes or less. It ended with masturbation and disgust. I am not only disappointed in giving in to such an action that I have come to hate, an action that I consider sinful. I am also very disappointed to have broken my streak of victory over crossdressing. I was coming up next month to three years of complete and total abstinence regarding crossdressing. (I can’t say that I’ve been fully abstinent in my mind, and in what I’ve seen on the computer, but as far as actual crossdressing, I was coming up to three years). In the last three years I have not crossdressed so much as even to slip on a woman’s shoe for a few seconds.
The slight crossdressing episode reminded me very much of why I stopped crossdressing in the first place. It was immediately apparent that the activity was not as pleasurable as I was hoping it would be. In fact, it was quite lame. Immediately afterwards, I was reminded of how pointless the activity is, how much it is a waste of time, how ugly it is, how unfulfilling it is, how worthless it is, and just how wretched I feel after doing it. The few seconds of sexual pleasure were not worth it. When confessing to my accountability partners, I felt so much shame and embarrassment. And at first, I felt complete shame and embarrassment imagining sharing this information on my blog. I no longer feel that way. Once I spent with God and experienced his love and forgiveness, the shame and guilt went away.
I did not want to share this information because I figured there would be a lot of crossdressers out there who would take it as proof that you cannot give up crossdressing. I was worried people would give up hope. But such a view is illogical. It makes no sense at all. What happened to me was a slight relapse. It would be as if an alcoholic took a little drink after three years of abstinence, only to regret the decision and go back to abstinence. This little glitch in my three years of victory only goes to prove how victorious I have been. Crossdressing really has been out of my life. Ten minutes of crossdressing doesn’t change the wonderful freedom of the last few years, and it doesn’t change the freedom I will continue to have from this day forward. This was a slight failure after three years of perhaps subconscious building temptations, but it doesn’t change anything about how crossdressing is still out of my life, and I’m still enjoying not being a slave to it anymore. The temptations are usually not there. The desires for crossdressing have diminished to the point of non-existence most days and weeks. I’m not sure why I was tempted this particular day. But once again now, a week later, the temptations are gone. And even if they come again, I know I have the freedom to say “no” to giving in.
So don’t let my story make you lose hope. Let it give you hope. Let it give you hope that even if you have a failure here or there, there is still freedom to be had. It is still possible to give up crossdressing. I failed only because I made the choice to fail. I could have easily not have given in. And that choice was a choice I regret. Whatever temptations were building over the last few years found their release in those minutes, and I’m ready to begin again living in victory. It holds no power over me.
Now I’m ready to live in grace again. I’m not driven to give up crossdressing by fear of God or Hell. I’m driven to give it up because living without it is experiencing a more abundant and joyful life. And I’m driven by God’s love.
“Thank you Lord Jesus for your mercy and grace. I do not trust in myself and my own holiness for my salvation. I trust in your righteousness alone Jesus for my salvation. I am not going to wallow in guilt and shame. Shame is not what you want for me. I know the grace and love of my Lord. I know that you don’t keep a record of my sins. I know that I don’t need to feel a burden of guilt for past mistakes. I am going to move forward in freedom, grace, love, and joy, in you Lord Jesus. Lord, give me strength to make it four years of victory this time!”