Disturbing Quote

I came across this quote from another blog.  I found it quite interesting, so I read the whole original article.

Amy Bloom, in her article from 2002, Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses, wrote :

“The greatest difficulty people have with cross-dressers, I think, is that cross-dressers wear their fetish, and the gleam in their eyes, however muted by time or habit, the unmistakable presence of a lust being satisfied or a desire being fulfilled in that moment, in your presence, even by your presence, is unnerving.  The combination of the cross-dressers’ own arousal and anxiety and our responsive anxiety and discomfort is more than most of us can bear. We may not mind foot fetishists, but we may not wish to watch them either. ”

From my experience, and from talking to others, this quote speaks the truth.  People are disturbed by our behavior and we need to understand that and accept it.  And of course I would add, they should be disturbed by our behavior.  Come on men, let’s stop giving in to this messed up behavior.

Also interesting was how the author detected that the men who are crossdressing are men with very firm gender stereotypes about women, stereotypes that I find too traditional, too focused on superficial appearances, and disturbing.  Understand this!  Part of my healing from crossdressing has also been a healing in my marriage, not viewing women and my wife in such a stereotypical way, no longer gently pressuring her to wear high heels and makeup, not being bothered that she is a very strong person, emotionally and physically.

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5 comments on “Disturbing Quote

  1. Don says:

    Good article and pretty much true. These guys do not “love their wives” in a Biblical sense. At least I never wanted my wife to participate. I still say it’s all about sex and they are in denial of it. They are being deceived by the Deceiver. Take their sex drive away and they will not want to crossdress.

    When you love a woman it’s about sex, even though you don’t have a hard-on all the time. Even after a long time of the relationship, you don’t look at her as though she is a man, she’s a woman and it’s the sex that makes it love.

    These guys are thinking that because they are not turned on while crossdressing is not about sex, but the pleasure still comes from a subtle erotic reaction even tough it does not feel that way. I know because I proved it to myself as you know.

    Don

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  2. Ralph says:

    Thorin, I’m curious about this part:

    no longer insisting that she wear high heels and makeup

    Did you really do that? I realize I only know the side of you that you choose to reveal here, but… that just seems so incredibly out of character for you. I can’t imagine insisting that my wife wear or not wear anything in particular. She knows that I find excessive jewelry and makeup distasteful and prefers to humor me by not wearing much if any, but when she wants to dress up for some elegant function she wears whatever she wants without asking my permission. She recognizes me as the spiritual head of the house and defers to me whenever there is a major decision to be made (home or car purchase, church membership, homeschool curricula when our children were of school age, etc.) The only time I can imagine I would “insist” on anything is if she proposed an action that was contrary to Christ’s exhortation to love God and love our neighbor.

    Don, there is an admittedly small but very real subset of crossdressers who do not deny their masculinity and do not find crossdressing a sexual stimulus at all. The self-selected labels are terms like “freestyle fashion” or “casual crossdressing”, in which we find skirts and dresses more comfortable, but we make no attempt to pretend we are women. I won’t deny there is some large amount of psychological baggage that brings us to that point, and the choice to wear such things scratches that mental itch somehow.

    But consider this: Suppose I find that cotton shirts are just too scratchy for my sensitive skin, and I am only comfortable if I wear silk shirts — from the MEN’S side of the store. Absolutely, there is some tactile pleasure… call it sensual if you prefer… in the feel of silk on my hairy arms and chest, and the relief may even show on my face as it makes me more at peace with myself. I can assure you I don’t get an erection or flood my mind with images of sexual activity based on what I’m wearing.

    If even that is too extreme for you, let’s talk about neckties. I *hate* neckties, and one of the great pleasures of working from home is that I never have to wear them. When I do find myself in a position that a tie is necessary, I carry it with me and put it on at the last possible minute before I meet people, and take it off with a sigh of relief that I am rid of that awful choking burden.

    Would you say this is a subtle erotic reaction, a lust being satisfied in front of your eyes?

    I also have to take issue with your assertion that love and sex are necessarily intertwined. My wife is physically handicapped; we have been unable to pleasure one another sexually for at least 10 years. I can’t even massage her back more than a few minutes because the pain of her arthritis prevents her from lying down or staying in one position very long, and she absolutely doesn’t have the strength to do more than raise an arm to my shoulders and scratch for a few seconds. Does our complete lack of sexual pleasure mean we don’t love each other? Of course not! My love for my wife is based on 25 years of shared interests, shared faith, mutual support and encouragement of one another’s needs. In the same way, now that I’m on the downhill slide towards 60, I have lost almost all my sex drive. The rare erection may pop up now and then regardless of what I am wearing — but it is only partial and it goes away on its own unless I deliberately choose to work at maintaining it. For all intents and purposes my sex drive has been taken away… and yet there has been no connected decrease in the preference for crossdressing. I still feel more comfortable in a satin blouse than a t-shirt, in long skirts or dresses rather than jeans or khakis.

    I certainly believe you when you say it has been YOUR experience to associate crossdressing with sexual release; Thorin has made similar remarks about his own experience. I would even concede that, based on an informal cross-section of forum posts and blogs, many if not most crossdressers link sex and crossdressing. But I would still urge you not to assume you know what others are thinking, what motivates them, and claim you know they are lying when they say their experience is not like yours.

    In fact, even if it is true for any particular individual that crossdressing is primarily a sexual fetish, I would suggest that you will never help someone be free from that addiction if you criminalize the person and his thoughts. Your comments and some of the comments in the article Thorin posted turn a desire to heal into an attack using guilt and shame as a weapon with which to force a change of heart in the crossdresser. I believe that only Satan manipulates with guilt and shame; God convicts us through love and grace.

    PS – after reading the above I fear that I have tried to excuse myself by saying “what I do is different, and therefore it’s OK”. I am very aware that no matter how I justify my behavior I am still in violation of Deuteronomy 22:5, and that has been an ongoing conversation with God for nearly 40 years. So I’m not looking for a free pass; I’m just encouraging you to “love the sinner, hate the sin” as it were.

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Good call Ralph. You are quite right! I never “insisted.” “Gently suggested multiple times, gentle pressure and asking” is the more accurate answer, but still I think that is nagging and not good for the marriage. It’s one thing to say what you want. It’s another to keep saying you want it, knowing that they do not want it. I’m editing the post so as to more accurately express the point.

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  4. Don says:

    Hi Ralph,

    I appreciate your feedback on my reply. Let me clarify.

    When I mentioned The Deceiver I was not trying to use guilt and shame. That is not what God is supposed to be about. If I say something and you feel guilty, that is coming from within, not from what I say. I did not see where I tried to criminalize crossdressing.

    I was not aware that there are men like you that needs to wear certain women’s clothes because the texture is feminine and this is not from a sexual response. I though I made it clear that in order to enjoy that, you don’t need to be aware that it is a sexual response, but just the fact that it is “of” the opposite sex, since men are wired that way, I believe that is the way our bodies work.

    I know that the majority of crossdressers get turned by feminine things. If you are not then you are entitled to claim that.

    For you there are other factors at work though. If you are wearing a dress you are doing something that is forbidden culturally for men, and I don’t think you would go walking in your neighborhood or tell your siblings or work colleagues what you are doing. Even when you wear a man’s silk shirt you are doing it because it’s the closest thing you can do and not be noticed for what you are. Subtle sexual feeling can be disguised as other feelings and when you crossdress there could be many subconscious reasons that make you feel good.

    Maybe you don’t know my story, but I am taking drugs to reduce sex drive and my desire to crossdress went away completely, so that is why I am making this point. I never thought that’s what would happen, but for me it did. I am not condemning anyone but want to make them aware that if they think there is no way to stop crossdressing, I am proof that there is.

    I totally agree with you about neckties. They are one of the dumbest things ever invented by man. I would go even one step further. All businessmen are required to dress alike, with very subtle differences in colors of suits or fabric. They all have to wear a tie, a coat, and matching pants. That is part of the frustration crossdressers have. Women are allowed so much more flexibility.

    It’s even worst for a formal event with tuxedos. If you were an alien from another planet seeing this, you would think it strange, but we are so used to it, so we accept it.

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  5. Ralph says:

    Thanks for the insight, Don. And there are indeed deeper psychological factors at play going on in me that I can’t begin to understand. I can’t just say “it has to be feminine”; I haven’t the slightest interest in wearing women’s jeans or t-shirts or shoes (or bras for that matter); it’s specifically soft fabrics like nylon, satin, velvet, rayon, etc. and it’s specifically loosely draped clothes with a skirt that pushes all the right buttons for me. Heck, if you could buy nice dresses with long pleated skirts from the men’s department, I’d be all over that — and no, kilts don’t do it for me because they tend to be rougher, more “rugged” masculine fabrics.

    All of which I mention just by way of saying, I can’t claim I’m not doing it to satisfy some primal urge, whether it is sexual or otherwise.

    You’re quite right that I would never dream of going out dressed like that or discuss it with people outside my immediate family (my wife and children know because I would never lie to them or conceal anything from them, but my brother and extended family will never know). There are probably other factors involved, but what I tell myself is that I don’t want to be the source of division among my friends and church family. For the same reason I don’t suggest serving alcohol at church meals, or offer it in my home to people who are uncomfortable with the idea of Christians who touch alcohol — even though I believe there is no biblical context that forbids alcohol, arguing with them about it just stirs up controversy and won’t change anybody’s mind. In the same way, even if *I* believe it’s OK to wear whatever I’m comfortable wearing and *I* understand that I am not in any way questioning God’s role for me as a man or expressing a desire for homosexual conduct, there’s absolutely no way in this life I will ever convince my brothers and sisters of my point of view. Even if I could convince one or two, all I would succeed in doing is driving a wedge through my church and I would rather be thrown into the river with a millstone around my neck than be the source of division like that.

    Your story and that of Thorin are a real source of inspiration to me, and whenever I get into an online discussion where someone who has misgivings about his crossdressing is told “Don’t try to stop, it’s impossible” I always send those folks here.

    Totally agree about ties and tuxes 🙂 My point in bringing that up was, the physical relief I feel at tearing off that awful suit and tie is psychologically similar to the physical relief I feel when I exchange my jeans for a skirt.

    And Thorin, you’re absolutely right about the nagging. When I was young and even more arrogant than I am now, I had perfected the art of passive-aggressive nagging. I would keep on bringing up some behavior I disliked in a friend — male friends and romantic interests alike — and just keep pounding in with little mocking comments and merciless ridicule. I can’t blame either of the girls for breaking up with me; when I think about how I treated others in those days I’m overcome with shame. And as my wife pointed out, she doesn’t complain about my less appealing habits (like my odd clothing choices) precisely because I don’t complain about things she does that she knows I don’t like. It’s all about mutual respect for each other as partners.

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