Don’t Suppress your Desires

Many people have made the claim that I advocate suppressing your crossdressing desires.  I do not actually make that claim.  It is not healthy.  We must acknowledge that those desires are there, and consciously choose not to act on them.  If we just try to ignore the thoughts, sometimes that only makes them more powerful.  And if we try to deny to ourselves that we really have such feelings, they will come out in an unhealthy explosion later.  No, we should not suppress them.  We need to acknowledge them, deal with them, understand them, and then choose not to act on them.

This article from – Your Brain on Porn – talks about to deal with temptations in a healthy way that does not involve suppressing them.

When I get tempted to crossdress, I use this “RAIN“approach from the article, without consciously thinking about the acronym.  I feel the temptation come.  My body starts feeling weird and tense.  I recognize that, yes, I do have a desire to crossdress.  I then might even explore that desire.  What am I really desiring?  Do I desire to read crossdressing fiction?  Do I want to wear women’s clothing?  Or maybe I just am wanting a sexual release and crossdressing is the easiest way to get it?  Or sometimes maybe it’s not about the sexual release, and something about the “femininity” is attracting me.  So I don’t push the desire away.  I think about it and try to understand the underlying motivations for that desire in that moment.

Once I understand it, then I choose to reject it, and apply the proper real solution.  If it is that I’m bored, I find something productive to do.  If it is that I need sexual release, I will plan a time of sex with my wife, or if she is gone on a trip, then I may masturbate (I use that one sparingly).  If I am lonely, I will go spend time with God or another person.  If I’m feeling stressed, I will find comfort in God’s Word.  If I’m feeling bad about myself, and my masculinity, and desiring to be a woman, then I’ll combat the lies in my head with logical truths from God’s Word, about what it really means to be a man or a woman, and then seek contentment in the real situation I am in, knowing that I cannot really change my sex.

I think if many of you use this method, you will be able to calmly and rationally say “no” to temptations.

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12 comments on “Don’t Suppress your Desires

  1. zahdah says:

    Thorin, I have a question. I’m at my wits end. I have even come to the point of feeling it might be better that I leave. I confessed this to my husband last night, and he’s stopped talking to me. He’s extremely angry. He said it’s because he’s hurt. This morning he sent me an email saying, “I have decided that you’ve rejected me for the last time. I need someone that loves me not for what they can get out of me, but for who I am. ”
    He seems to feel rejected by my confession. I just feel like I can’t bare it anymore. Sometimes I truly hate him. He sent another email now. He’s comparing his rejection of me to me rejecting him in his cross dressing. So there’s my question, how do I love him when he’s taking pills to enhance his breasts (and creams), buying a load of female clothes, and turning all womanly? I don’t know the right kind of love for that. So after trying as hard as I can, where I constantly feel like I’m nothing, I give up. I withdraw. And then he holds that against me till his next relapse. I just don’t know what to do anymore. (He’s quit again, by the way, he also quit smoking, but started that again. When our kids found out he quit, they said yeah right).

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  2. CD wife says:

    Hello Zahdah, Your feelings are valid. You feel you can’t bare it any more. This stress can seriously affect your health. You have choices my dear. Do you have family you can turn to? Do you have the means of taking some time out like moving away for a while so you have some time to clear your head? I’m all for trying to save a marriage but sometimes just sometimes enough is enough. Start to put yourself first now .I heard it once said whet would you tell your daughter in this situation? Please think carefully now do you want to do this for more years and act on your inner voice. Also i believe in the power of prayer and will pray for you.i

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  3. zahdah says:

    Thank you for the advice. I thought about it, and I would tell my daughter to come home, but not to give up on her marriage. But I don’t know where I would go. Unless I tell someone, I don’t think they would be supportive. I don’t want to make anyone look at my husband in a way that finding out he cross dresses probably would. Plus, I’m afraid of what he would do. Just me telling him that I felt like leaving, he’s angry, did not have his God time, won’t pray, is just being an all around jerk (even to my 2 little nieces that are staying here). This is always how he has reacted.

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  4. zahdah says:

    He says he’s rejecting me before I reject him b

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  5. CDwife says:

    Aaw dear Zahdah, I want to say is your husband thinking of you,putting you and your children first ? I cannot tell you what to do except to say you are very special and to take care of yourself. i’m sure Thorin will be able to offer some wise words and i always like what he says and have learnt much from him .

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  6. zahdah says:

    No, he’s not. He’s very angry that I’ve arranged to talk to a pastor/friend and his wife. Even though I told them that we need help with our issues, that we can’t heal alone, he feels like I’m putting it all on him. Because I had said that I’ve been waiting years for him to reach out to someone for help, but he won’t. So now he says he’s done with God too (and me), and that I can do whatever the hell (sorry, what he said) I want. It’s my fear of what he’ll do if I go against him that has always stopped me. He lashes out at me when he’s angry (hurt), so how far will he go?

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  7. CDwife says:

    Zahada you have me worried now darling. If you think you are in any danger you must have an exit plan. I don’t know what country you are in so i don’t know what could be available to you. Research your options. This life is short you deserve so much more. You can’t control what he does but you can have control over your own life. You deserve to have peace in your heart ,happiness and to feel safe. Only you can arrange these things. Perhaps therapy if you can afford it will give you courage and help you clarify your thoughts. I’m sending a hug to you . Please feel it.

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  8. thorin25 says:

    So sorry for all the pain you are going through. CDwife has given you good thoughts already.

    Divorce certainly seems on the way, but don’t give up hope yet. I recommend first trying a period of separation, whether for a few days or a few months, and be praying and fasting like crazy during that time, and seeking counseling help for yourself. During that time perhaps he will come to his senses and repent because of God’s work in him through your prayers.

    I also recommend after a period of you both cooling down from this recent conflict, again saying that you need to get to counseling. Assure him that you aren’t going to go share his secret with tons of people, but that you love him enough, and the marriage enough, that you are going to talk to at least one pastor/counselor, and would like him to come along too.

    If he is accusing you of being close-minded or not accepting him, then turn it back on him. Has he read anything besides the blogs that support his behavior? Has he read some from this site? Has he talked to a pastor or counselor who confirmed that he is behaving rightly? Both of you need to listen to one another, but that is not happening very well it sounds like.

    Anyway, as I said before, if he is going to live as a woman, this is clearly marital unfaithfulness of one of the most perverted and distorted kinds, and that would be biblical grounds for divorce. But divorce should always be a last ditch effort. Keep praying, and keep trying to get him to get counseling together. And consider just getting away for a few days for things to calm down. You and he are both worried about what other people will think, but you have to get over that fear. If you get a divorce, people will be thinking a lot more things! A few days apart could save the marriage. Don’t worry so much about what other people are thinking and do what is necessary to save the marriage, (or to take care of your own safety).

    But if he has indeed quit again you have to trust him and support him in it. You can be guarded on the inside about whether the quitting will stick or not. But support him in the quitting or he won’t be able to make it. As Jesus says, forgive seventy times seven times. Quitting is hard work. Keep giving him more chances to quit (unless he is lying to you and doing it in secret, that is clearly a whole different thing).

    And as Cdwife said, take care of yourself too. Keep spending time with God. Go to him for comfort and refuge. Psalm 23. The Lord is your shepherd, not me, and not CDwife. Go to God for strength. Read his word. Drink deep of it. Go to your pastor for help. They have confidentiality rules. You can share with him and your husband does not even have to know that you shared.

    Praying for both of you. While we aren’t hearing your husband’s side of the story, I know the pain and confusion and addiction he is in. As horrible as he is being to you, we must remember that he is in bondage and we should pity him and have compassion on him. It’s tough I know, but we must keep praying for God to rescue him from these chains and lies.

    Thorin

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  9. zahdah says:

    Thank you so much, Thorin and cd wife. I was praying so much yesterday and really felt i just was not supposed to do this alone. I reached out to you, my 2 closes friends, my sister and mom (surprisingly) and asked for prayer. I gave the others a brief idea of what was happening, without saying the cause. That support helped me continue without giving in to fear. Previously I always would despair when he shut me out so completely, stating that he was done, I should leave and so forth. I would beg him to not give up, go back to God and so forth. Or I would become angry and say fine, whatever. So I know that the situation is definitely part my fault. I believe I was being an enabler. I went by the bible, we cannot/should not, do this alone. When he came home, he was sad, wanted to be close to me. I let him know I wanted it too, but I was still going to talk to our pastor. This brought him right back down. Saying he would probably never talk to him again, wanting to know who else I had talked to, so he could avoid them. I told him I felt like he was trying to get me to not talk again. He says no, just telling me he won’t have anything to do with them (friends). This went on for a bit, till I said that’s too bad, but I truly believe the bible says to not do it alone. In order to conquer something, you need to bring it into the light, and I was still going to do what I believed to be right. He then just slouched in despair. I let him know I loved him, and left him alone. In less than 15 minutes he came to me and said he was willing to talk to our pastor (yay!) I hugged him and said I was very glad. For the next half hour he was desperately afraid, I hugged him and tried to help him keep looking to God (I’ve had a lot of experience with fear). After a bit he disappeared for a bit, and when I went upstairs I found him talking to our pastor making arrangements to see him (praise God!). Later on, he said even though this is so scary, he’s glad I made him do this (I didn’t think I made him, just stuck to what I would do). This morning, still scared, but said he feels like a weight is already starting to lift off him. So, Thorin, as you said, I’m still going to be on the watch, still proceed even when I’m afraid, but love and support him. And now I have my moms place as a backup. I did tell him though that there would be consequences to deal with because of all of this. Fear, trust, my worth (I feel I have never been worth the fight for him). I know God is the only one who can heal me, but it’s not instant, that’s always been very hard for him. I’m so thankful for all the support and prayer we got yesterday, I truly believe that that is what brought my husband through this. Thank you so much. I believe God has a great plan for my husband 😊

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  10. Temptedsinner says:

    That’s great news Zahdah

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  11. thorin25 says:

    Wow what an amazing answer to all of our prayers! Unbelievable. God is good. Miracles happen. Now let’s keep praying that God holds his heart and doesn’t let go.

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  12. shay says:

    Praise God, Zahdah!!!

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