Being rejected by women

How much of our crossdressing desire is related to having been rejected by girls when we were younger?  Or for some of us, how much of our ongoing crossdressing failures are related to smaller rejections by our girlfriends or wives today?

So many of you men that I’ve talked to have similar stories to me in that when we were younger, we were either directly rejected by girls if we had the courage to ask them out, or we were indirectly rejected by girls through our shyness or lack of interaction with them, or in my case, both.  It seems to me that at least one of the many reasons our crossdressing desires developed in the first place, is that our crossdressed self became a replacement for real women.  It was an easy substitute.  There is much less pressure and much less anxiety.  You don’t have to know how to act, you don’t have to fumble with what to say, you just dress up and wow, there is a woman there with you, dressed in whatever sexy clothes you want!

I’m realizing more and more that in the pain of my very imperfect marriage, so much of the time I’ve gone to crossdressing when rejected by my wife, whether she is rejecting sex or rejecting my touch or verbal affection.  But this is just retreating further into pain and rejection.  It’s retreating further away from what God wants for me and my wife.  It’s retreating further away from myself.  It’s adding pain to pain.  It’s adding shame to pain.  And after crossdressing, whether she would see me or not, I would be even much more LESS CONFIDENT with her.  I would feel much less like a man with her.  Which in turn would make me expect rejection even more and thus probably get rejected even more because women don’t like weak emasculated men.

This is a dangerous spiral of destruction that I think has been in my life since I was in middle school.  Now that I recognize this so clearly, I’m not going to let the rejections in my marriage keep creating temptations for me to masturbate or crossdress.  The fact that this happened in my life so many times in the past gives me righteous anger.  But I act differently now.  I’m not going to shame myself with perverted crossdressing just because I get rejected.  I am stronger than that.  I am going to be myself, and just go without love or without sexual pleasure, rather than to shame myself in confused addiction.  When I face rejection, I shouldn’t rail at my wife with anger, I shouldn’t retreat into immorality, I should go to my God who has completely and amazingly and fully loved me, accepted me, and is with me, and will never leave me.  He is the one who gives me strength to resist sin, he is the one who gives me comfort and perseverance to make it through suffering.  He is the one who gives me self-control.  Thank you Lord Jesus that you will never ever ever reject me.  You have accepted me once and forever.

 

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15 comments on “Being rejected by women

  1. Kirk says:

    Thorin – I’m glad you posted this view on why you chose to crossdress because it confirms the conclusion on why I thought I chose to crossdress. Being shy, skinny and week didn’t help much because when I grew up in the 60′-70’s a boy was supposed to be strong, forward, and tough. As my body changed going through puberty I didn’t know how to ask question on what was going on physically and emotionally.
    My wife and I are working towards reconciliation after being separated for 4 years. Being in recovery has helped me be successful in the past but I’m still struggling with the urge to crossdress right now. I’m sure it’s a combination of things going on in my life right now that are the driving motives. To counteract this nasty habit I pray, go to church irregularly, listen to pastor’s on podcasts regularly, go to 12 step meetings, and open up to friends in program. Shame and guilt are ganging up on my self-worth right now which pulls me into the cycle. I know with longevity it becomes easier to fight the temptation so my goal is baby steps, gentleness, and leaning on the mercy of Christ.
    Please pray for me.
    Thanks,
    Kirk

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  2. Destry says:

    I’m no expert on marriage or anything but it seems your marriage lacks mutuality. I mean how often does your wife reject you? Is this an everyday thing? One thing that bothered me with my envy is that it seems women can freely reject men, even their husbands, without any consequences. It can be either emotionally or physically. I believe though marriage or a relationship with a woman will heal me of the sins in my life like crossdressing desires and porn. But I hope that this kind of thing, which is rejection, in marriage won’t be a stumbling block for me. I do have to confess, if I haven’t already, that I suffer from misogyny. That developed out of my envy.

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  3. thorin25 says:

    Kirk, I will pray for you right now!

    Destry, my marriage is quite good in many ways. But we suffer sexually as my wife has no desire for it. But she doesn’t reject me much, in that we agreed together to have sex about once a week, and it happens. But i mean smaller rejections too, like you reach out to touch in a certain way, and she might not want it at that time. Or her lack of romantic feelings for me. Those are subtle rejections that she might not even realize are rejections, but they feel like it to me.

    Hypothetically, were my wife to always reject me, I would not just roll over. I would say something needs to change or we get divorced. But we are both committed to following God’s commands and not divorcing. But if that was the hypothetical case, I would help her to realize that no sex in marriage is like you’ve personally checked out of the marriage, like divorce, but it’s just not public. So i would help her to see that and change, or else might as well make the divorce public. I hope that makes sense. Very against divorce. But also against rolling over and having a fake marriage.

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  4. Destry says:

    I gotta ask do I seem unstable to you? I mean like I’ve said anime women made me envious but just then I said I was envious of qualities real women have. It’s like I’m changing my story every time. I guess with anime women it’s mostly physical appearance but with real women it’s quality of life. Actually, both merge in a way. Right now I’m trying to give you the whole truth because I don’t want to come out as a liar before God.

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  5. thorin25 says:

    You don’t seem unstable, you are just broken and messed up like the rest of us 🙂 I am a past crossdresser addict, with some OCD, a painful marriage, and a history of being super shy and no self confidence, and yet God still loved me and gave me forgiveness and salvation, and changed my life. If he can use a person like me, he can use anyone for his work. We are all messed up Destry, the beginning of freedom is recognizing that and then going to God to find our redemption, in Christ, and in the Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification. 🙂

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  6. Destry says:

    Thanks for that Thorin. I did fail to mention that, like you, I also used crossdressing as a substitute for not having a girlfriend. Usually when I would dress up I would spend minutes to hours looking at myself in the mirror and taking selfies. I very much had my own girlfriend and I did not fall in love with anybody else.

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  7. Bigguy says:

    thorn being rejected by woman last arcle you wrote is very true that why I started to cross-dress and brought pretty things and it was this way I would be rejected no more and even had sex with myself my cloths was my partner then after mom die something happen to me hard to explain I started accepting god in my life and ask to be forgiveness of all my sins one night I started to read few pages of the bible then something happen it gave me answer to go talk to the church as to get confirm and catholtism classes then I started getting away from dressing and now I have not wear a bra from almost a year now the bible and god save me my life has change a lot I meeting different people in life and making friends I enjoy were arcles thorn thanks

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  8. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Bigguy, good to hear from you. Keep in touch and keep growing in your faith, keep in God’s Word every day

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  9. Chris Breach says:

    I think the real issue that needs to be resolved is why you are using crossdressing as the problem when clearly it is every other factor in your life that is not giving you happiness.
    Might I suggest questioning your own marriage and the lack of happiness that is bringing, this makes no difference what clothing you are wearing.
    I don’t think there is anything perverted in expression, no, dare I say it but I think the real perversion would be the censor your ability to express yourself and feel life for who you really are.

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  10. thorin25 says:

    Chris, our lives are not limited to one problem alone. Yes I have problems in my marriage, overall it’s a good marriage, but not perfect. Crossdressing was another problem in my life. I also happen to struggle with greed, selfishness, and not loving God and others enough with all my heart.

    I believe that true lasting happiness is only found in God. But I don’t base my life decisions only on what will make me happy. That is narcissism. I focus on giving glory to God, trying to love others, and finding my deep and everlasting joy in God.

    And anyway, when did I say I was not happy? My life is not perfect, but I am very happy! I think it’s sad and tragic that you assume I must be miserable just because I stopped crossdressing. Getting rid of crossdressing was definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, and one of the actions in my life that has caused me the most happiness. My life is great, and I praise God for all he has done in my life.

    What does it mean to express ourselves? Tell me what aspect of yourself you are expressing when you put on a dress? I don’t really understand what that is supposed to mean. If you are expressing gentleness when doing so, I would say you are the one who is censoring yourself that you don’t allow yourself to be gentle when dressing like a man with clothes that fit your body. Crossdressers are masters of hiding their true selves, and only letting out certain aspects of their personality while they are crossdressed, because they are stuck in rigid gender stereotypes.

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  11. Michael29 says:

    I find it interesting to come across this post of yours, because of late I’ve come to see where some of the origins in my life w/ crossdressing are coming from. Prior to this I saw that there has been a particular article of clothing that women wear exclusively that has really tormented me since I first saw it – saw women wearing it – which was back around the year 2001, roughly. Though, I’m unsure of when exactly. Anyway, yesterday & today I’ve been slowly uncovering more & more details of something that occurred to me that had a very detrimental effect upon me. This happened back when I was living in Florida back in 2001-2003. It’s been more than ten years I think sense I remembered any details of this occurrence. & this happened at least 3 years before I started to crossdress. This is what happen: I started attending a small church that was in a small town about an hour south of where I lived. This church had a family of 3 daughters. I came to know 2 of them the first sunday I visited. Later I would meet the oldest when she came home from college for break. The two older ones I knew a lot more & they were the ones through which I experienced this life-changing situation. Anyway, the particular article of clothing I mentioned was one in which both of these daughters worn quite frequently – at church. I don’t fully understand what it is, but this article of clothing has always cause a conflict. it’s one in which I think isn’t necessarily one that men are usually tempted by when women wear it – though I don’t honestly know for sure. It’s always been what I’ve seen as very seductive – in my perception – though I think it is in a very subtle way. _ _ _ To continue. I would see them wear this same article of clothing almost all the time, & the effect its had on me, satan, I believe has used this very effectively toward trying to keep me centered on sin. The thing is that these daughters I’d see all the time, but I’d hide the fact that this was bothering me. At this time I didn’t talk about sex w/ my parents, nor w/ anyone else. So I felt very alone in my struggle. As a way of trying to find some insight, I’d try to look to see if anyone else – like other guys for instance – would notice these daughters, & hopefully they’d speak up about what these daughters were wearing, but I never heard nor received any impressions from anyone that anyone else in the church had a problem in the least w/ what these daughters were wearing. Eventually I started to believe that I must be alone in this – meaning that either these daughters simply didn’t realize that they were causing me distress, while no one else saw this as a problem, so I must of been alone. Or, I’d think that maybe, these daughters knew what they were doing, & they liked fooling w/ me, while they were able to fool everyone else at church. I believe this is more of what I started to believe that’s really been something that haunts me to this day. It’s as though they were acting coy w/ me & seducing me – this is what I’ve considered, though I don’t have any concrete evidence to support that they were acting wrongly. As far as I know they were decent Christian girls while I knew them. Though as time went further along, I started to believe that if they were toying w/ me, then God either doesn’t see what they’re doing to me, or …God prefers women more, & he must allow this behaviour in women, but not in men. And to take it further, I started to accept that if women can do this kind of seduction w/o God judging them, then I’d want to do this as well. I began to believe this same thing w/ what they were wearing too. I felt as though what they were wearing was inappropriate, but if no one else seemed to see how potentially destructive these were, then if God’s allows women to wear something like this – in church too. Then I’m ugly for wearing a stuffy collared shirt & my pants that don’t fit my body like women’s! This is a VERY big piece of the puzzle. Resentment, envy, anger, coveting, etc. . .I’m still consumed by all of this. Even now. Even now, this is what keeps such bitterness in my heart that no what it seems that I do, I can’t let go of this that torments me.

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  12. thorin25 says:

    In prayer, keep giving that bitterness over to God. Visualize handing the bitterness to God, to take care of for you. Keep letting it to go to him. Keep going to him for comfort and grace

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  13. nd says:

    I think this is the hazard of living in America. I am a mom, and even I find it a struggle to not be obsessed with clothing and fashion. Imagine if you lived in the middle east where everyone wears a dress. Keep working on the detox. Remember the one thing that all addictions have in common–addicts make it their “friend”.

    And the real reason I’m here, asking for prayer support for my 13 yr old son, whom I found with my clothing in his room. And also for his Dad whom I have yet to tell. Not sure if its puberty messing with him, or something more significant. Please pray for him. thanks.

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  14. thorin25 says:

    Thank you nd for the comment. Sorry to hear about your son. Unfortunately this is how it starts.

    Either he is confused about his gender, having gender dysphoria, or more likely he is like many of us here who finds sexual pleasure from the crossdressing. The more he feeds the crossdressing now through a conditioning process the more it will be ingrained for life and so hard to quit. As he masturbates while wearing the clothing his body is learning a very strong sexual connection to female clothes, rather than to a real woman. I really suggest you don’t ignore this (but also don’t yell at him), and try to help him understand. Be honest with him. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t make him feel like an oddball either.

    Here is a good place for you to start – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2015/11/04/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser-or-transgendered-person/

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  15. CDwife says:

    nd you are in my prayers today. Please let us know how it goes.

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