How much of our crossdressing desire is related to having been rejected by girls when we were younger? Or for some of us, how much of our ongoing crossdressing failures are related to smaller rejections by our girlfriends or wives today?
So many of you men that I’ve talked to have similar stories to me in that when we were younger, we were either directly rejected by girls if we had the courage to ask them out, or we were indirectly rejected by girls through our shyness or lack of interaction with them, or in my case, both. It seems to me that at least one of the many reasons our crossdressing desires developed in the first place, is that our crossdressed self became a replacement for real women. It was an easy substitute. There is much less pressure and much less anxiety. You don’t have to know how to act, you don’t have to fumble with what to say, you just dress up and wow, there is a woman there with you, dressed in whatever sexy clothes you want!
I’m realizing more and more that in the pain of my very imperfect marriage, so much of the time I’ve gone to crossdressing when rejected by my wife, whether she is rejecting sex or rejecting my touch or verbal affection. But this is just retreating further into pain and rejection. It’s retreating further away from what God wants for me and my wife. It’s retreating further away from myself. It’s adding pain to pain. It’s adding shame to pain. And after crossdressing, whether she would see me or not, I would be even much more LESS CONFIDENT with her. I would feel much less like a man with her. Which in turn would make me expect rejection even more and thus probably get rejected even more because women don’t like weak emasculated men.
This is a dangerous spiral of destruction that I think has been in my life since I was in middle school. Now that I recognize this so clearly, I’m not going to let the rejections in my marriage keep creating temptations for me to masturbate or crossdress. The fact that this happened in my life so many times in the past gives me righteous anger. But I act differently now. I’m not going to shame myself with perverted crossdressing just because I get rejected. I am stronger than that. I am going to be myself, and just go without love or without sexual pleasure, rather than to shame myself in confused addiction. When I face rejection, I shouldn’t rail at my wife with anger, I shouldn’t retreat into immorality, I should go to my God who has completely and amazingly and fully loved me, accepted me, and is with me, and will never leave me. He is the one who gives me strength to resist sin, he is the one who gives me comfort and perseverance to make it through suffering. He is the one who gives me self-control. Thank you Lord Jesus that you will never ever ever reject me. You have accepted me once and forever.