Resentment, Compromise, and Escalation = Failure. Yet I rejoice in Christ!

This is not a blog post I want to write.  It really sucks feeling like I am letting people down and making people lose hope by writing it.  And beyond that, this blog is so public, so making a confession here is not a simple thing.  It’s not like confessing to my accountability partner privately, or just praying a prayer of confession to God.  To think of so many people in this world knowing the most intimate details of my life fills me with embarrassment and shame.  But yet this blog post must be written, so as to speak the truth, and so as to help others who struggle by sharing the lessons that I’ve learned.  When I worry about guilt and shame, I keep looking to my Jesus who washes away my guilt and shame by his blood, and I remember his deep love for me.  In that I rejoice!

I just recently failed and actually crossdressed.  It’s been a long time since that has happened.  If I ever fail, it’s usually by thinking impure thoughts, or by looking at websites I should not look at.  I am extremely disappointed in myself.  I will tell you the story.  Beware, lest is happen to you as well.  I write this post so that when you deal with temptation or with the feelings I was feeling, you will go to God, you will go to a friend and get help, rather than falling into sin like I did.  Trust me, it’s not worth it!

 

It was during a time of being home alone, since my wife was away.  We are not together quite often because of the nature of her work.  So while being alone was not new, the temptations were quite potent this time compared to other times.  The days before the failure I already was feeling temptations and stupid thoughts were coming in my mind.  I had begun to pray about it, and asked God for help.  But foolishly I did not notify my accountability partners (though I did tell the prayer group connected to this site to pray for me).

Lesson #1 – Don’t neglect your accountability and prayer partners at the most crucial time.  I should have let the prayer group know I was struggling with temptation, so they could have stepped up their prayers for me and also give me some reality checks.  I should have let my real-life accountability partner know, so he could regularly call me and check up on me, as well as pray for me.

Galatians 6:1-5 – Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

 

On the day of the failure I started thinking thoughts of resentment towards my wife.  This is not new, though I’ve been free of such thoughts for months.  We don’t have a perfect marriage, and especially struggle with sex, romance, and affection.  It can be very painful for us, because we both wish things were not as they were.  But otherwise, day to day, we have a very healthy and happy marriage and wonderful life together.  But the lack of sexual interest and romantic love can get to me.  I started to feel resentful and bitter that day.  Satan and his demons I’m sure tried to build on that resentment and twist it towards giving in to even more sin, besides the sin of resentment itself.  Soon I was thinking thoughts of resentment about the way my wife dresses, that she is not willing to dress femininely enough and attractive enough.  That led me down the road of making excuses for myself and gave me a rationalization for allowing myself CD thoughts.  Did I take this resentment to God?  Did I confess it to Him?  Did I ask for his comfort and strength to keep on going in my marriage even though it’s tough?  No, I did not.  That was foolish.

Lesson #2 – Put bitterness and resentment to death!  Take them to God.  If you don’t, they will eat away at you, and take you down a dark road that you will regret later.  Go to God for comfort and strength and love.

Ephesians 4:31 – Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

So already in my mind I was dealing with the resentment and with very clear temptations, fantasies I was trying to force out of my mind.  But let me tell you of one thing I did well.  Before my wife even left, I had known the temptations would be coming.  It was very hard not to imagine exactly what I would to do to give in and sin as soon as she was gone.  It was like I was planning on sinning.  I knew this was bad and that there was no way I could resist when alone, unless I made a conscious choice to not give in at all, prior to her leaving.  So I spent a day struggling with my thoughts and praying, until God helped me to put him first.  In my heart and mind I made a clear decision that I would not fail with crossdressing.  I knew I would not give in.

Lesson #3 – If you “know” that you will fail, or plan on failing, you WILL fail.  You must make a choice prior to the time of temptation.  Don’t wait until the temptation and opportunity comes to make the decision.  You have to make the decision even days before that you will NOT give in.  Choose to serve the Lord now.  In my experience, this makes a crucial difference.

Joshua 24:15 – But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

 

So I was alone, and dealing with resentment and temptations, yet also knowing that there was no way I would give in to crossdressing, I decided I should play video games to distract me from the temptations.  This was a wise move actually.  The problem was that it soon became counter-productive.   Why?  Well, I compromised with sin.  I rationalized.  I decided it would be okay if I tried to make it look like my character was crossdressing in the game itself.  I knew that this was messed up and wrong too.  But I figured it was better to do this than to give in to the real temptations that were in my mind.  So I compromised and did so.  Foolishness.  Utter foolishness.  The sin escalated, and I kept giving in and giving in, until I turned the game off.  Then I rationalized another stupid activity that wasn’t crossdressing technically (not women’s clothing), but still resembled it.  But that compromise led to more escalation.  Finally, I fell into the sexual frenzy of sin, lost my head, and plunged headlong into debauchery.   After so long of resisting, after knowing I would not give in to actual crossdressing, I gave in to actual crossdressing.

Lesson #4 – Do not compromise with sin!  Sinful actions easily escalate.  Think of sin as a deadly beast.   It might start out looking very small and harmless.  Maybe you even want to pet it and say “ah, what a cute beast.”  But looks can be deceiving.  When you feed sin, it will grow bigger exponentially.  Soon it will no longer look cute, but it will devour you.  You cannot “tame” sin.  You cannot tolerate it.  If you give in, you will only want more and more.  If you give in a little, you will give in a little more, and give in a little more, until you are doing things you never wanted to be doing and never thought you’d be doing.  The only options are to feed sin and let it grow beyond your power to contain it, or instead, put it to death.

James 1:13-15 – 13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Ephesians 4:17-19 – 17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

 

So I gave in.  Did it satisfy?  To be honest, it seemed to be quite satisfying during the moment, especially after so long without having crossdressed.  I had fun feeling feminine in the moment, and felt the thrill of sexual pleasure.  But such pleasure is fleeting and leaves you feeling empty.  Rather than filling me with life, I feel like it sucked away everything good inside of me, leaving me feeling tired, wretched, and ugly.   After, I was immediately filled with regret and repentance.  It’s amazing how such a short event, a blip in the scheme of my life, can be so devastatingly awful.  Wow, not worth it.  I wish I had a time machine.  I wish I had more self-control.

Lesson #5 – Sin promises satisfaction but it can never satisfy.  It does not give, it only takes.  Its promises are empty.  There is no true joy or satisfaction to be found with sin, only empty fleeting pleasure.  Sin is a dead end.  True satisfaction is only found in God.  And in God we not only find satisfaction, but deep rich abundant life and joy.

Romans 6:20-21 – 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!

Luke 9:25 – “For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?

John 6:35 – Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

Lamentations 3 –

22          Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

23          They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

24          I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

25          The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

 

 

The failure was a wake-up call for me.  As strong as I’ve been these last years, as much as I write and try to help others give up crossdressing, I’m still a very weak person.  I’m human, I struggle with sin.  I’m messed up.  I don’t have it all together.  I’m a sexually immoral pastor and unbelievably at the same time I struggle with pride.  Oh the evils of the human heart!  “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25).  Jesus is so good to me.  And how I long for Jesus to come back and make me new, to bring to an end my struggles with sin.  I wait for that day with eagerness.  In the meantime, this was another reminder that I need to be on my guard and be more careful so this kind of thing happen again and take me unawares in the future.  I don’t say that I need to be on my guard out of fear of God’s judgment.  I want to be on my guard because I myself want to obey God and please him, and I myself really don’t like doing this stuff.  I want to live a joyful free life without CD as I was before.

Lesson #6 – Keep up your guard, be vigilant.  You never know when temptations will come.  Even if you’ve been abstinent from a certain sin for 5 years, or 10 years, you could suddenly be in danger of falling.  Continue in regular spiritual disciplines.  Read the Word daily, pray daily.  Keep in close communication with an accountability partner.  Always be ready.  Remember, you are at war.

1 Peter 2:11 – Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

1 Corinthians 10:12-13 – 12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I should have heeded the wisdom of this post that I wrote recently!

Persevere!  It’s going to be a long struggle

 

The end of the story is that I fell on my knees, literally, and confessed my sins to my God.  I repented, lamented, and yelled in frustration about my stupidity.  Yet in the end I have peace.  I am loved by God because of Christ.  I am forgiven. I don’t live in shame and guilt.  I am a Man of God.  I may be a weak one, but that is what I am.  I am God’s child, in his family, and this sin does not take that away from me.  When I first sinned, it felt like the weight of the world crushing down on me, I felt so bad, so full of guilt and regret.  Now, after going to God, I am back to my regular joyful self.  I love my God so much.  Only he can take away the weight on my heart, and make me again free to love and serve him each day.

Lesson #7 – Go to Jesus for forgiveness and grace.  There is nothing else you can do, and nothing better for you to do.  Rejoice in your salvation and your forgiveness, and go back to living for Christ and sharing in the joy of being his disciple.

1 John 1:8-10 – 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I cling to this verse.  Firstly, I don’t want to be like those people in verses 8 and 10, who think or pretend they have no sin.  Above all else, I want to speak the truth.  If I were to hide this sin and pretend I’m all good, it might make people reading my blog more hopeful about their ability to give up crossdressing too.  But I would much rather minister out of reality, truth, and my experience of God’s grace, then to be a hypocrite.  At this point, I think you all know that you can trust the things that I say on this blog.

I also cling to the beautiful promise in verse 11.  I confess to my Lord, and even do so publicly, that I have sinned, and I am so thankful for his forgiveness and for him purifying my heart.  Because of Jesus taking my place, I stand in God’s sight as a righteous man.  I have nothing to fear.  I am full of joy.   I rejoice in Christ my savior!

So that is my confession.  I hope my lessons have helped you.  I now go back to living in victory, I go back to living a joyful life with my God, and I continue in this ministry.

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19 comments on “Resentment, Compromise, and Escalation = Failure. Yet I rejoice in Christ!

  1. Don says:

    Thorin, so sorry to hear of your failure. I almost think your guilt is worst than the sin. We all sin frequently and no sin is worst than any other sin. I don’t think your guilt, when you maybe say something wrong to someone or are prideful, is even close to your guilt expressed in your post.

    On another matter, my wife used to dress extremely feminine and it was such a huge temptation to me that I used to ask her to tone it down a bit. I was always so jealous of her to see what she had and I did not, so believe me when I say that you are better off the she is.

    In the sex, romance and affection department, who is the one who has difficulty with it. I am going to guess that because she knows about your crossdressing, that is a turn off. Just the fact that you are trying to help others and remain immersed in the subject of crossdressing has to be affecting the way she thinks about you as a man. Personally I think that in order for you to get away from it is to stop doing all the research and just limit your participation to the prayer group. Always reading about transgender and crossdressing keeps it on your mind a lot, and you have to get back to being a normal man who does not think about these things.

    Part of your guilt is thinking that you are letting your readers down and not being a good example, but that is the position you put yourself in, That’s too much responsibility for one man and getting out of the blog business would take the pressure off you. The more pressure you have to stop crossdressing actually works against you. I’m sure that some of the hate correspondence you get does not help either.

    Also giving it up would give you more time to get involved with other things that you would like to do, too much of your energy is spent on the subject of crossdressing instead of exercise, golf, tennis, biking, boating or whatever other passion you could pick up.

    That would send a signal to your wife that you are a normal man and are willing to give it up.

    If it is you that has problems with sex and romance and affection, believe me that is something that you need to pick up. My wife is so wonderful and affectionate that just thinking about what I would lose makes me reject temptations, and choosing one over the other is a no brainier. Love and affection is so much better than crossdressing.

    Lastly, what helps me the most is taking the drug that reduces my sex drive enough that I can resist. I know you say that you can handle it by willpower but with the drug, you don’t obsess about “should I or shouldn’t I do it” all day. There is no obsession and daily life is so much easier that thinking about temptation. My wife can dress up, put nail polish and makeup on, wear jewelry and I love to see her that way, but in a way that a man appreciates a woman.

    So please, don’t be so hard on yourself and think about some real changes.

    Don

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  2. CD wife says:

    Don i disagree with you. You do NOT know how dear Thorin’s wife thinks. Also do you know what Thorin actually does with his spare time ?
    Thorin you are human and a “big man” to come and share this slip. Far from discouraging it will help many because no one is perfect.
    Please don’t ever give up helping others with this problem. In “addict land” they say something like you have to give it to keep it referring to sobriety. Keep up the good work and it’s onwards and upwards from here. What matters is today. X

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  3. billylongtermcd says:

    Thorin
    So sorry to hear of your failure and I realise what Don is saying about your involvement on this blog not helping you,but then you have said this yourself before. I think myself the big thing is not asking for the Lord’s help at the moment of temptation which just shows how strong the temptation is because as you say yourself your heart’s desire is to please the Lord. Sometimes i get so frustrated knowing that I want to please God and yet giving into temptation (Romans 7 comes to mind) my experience is that when I ask God to help me with temptation he does,but soon afterwards I can be tempted again and it’s when I think the last time I asked will sufice is when i fail Jesus said ask and keep asking. Unlike yourself I don’t have an accuontabiliy partner I think this is very necessary.
    I will be praying for you brother I do every day but will pray the more fervently and be encouraged your help for me has been invaluable and I’m sure I speak for many more on this blog. The Lord bless you and your dear wife as you serve and walk with him daily
    Billy

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  4. arich62 says:

    Sorry to hear you had that experience. Your post strengthened and encouraged me though. I will get that post on your blog asap re: Sexaholics Anonymous.

    On Feb 5, 2017 7:33 AM, “Healing from Crossdressing” wrote:

    > thorin25 posted: “This is not a blog post I want to write. It really > sucks feeling like I am letting people down and making people lose hope by > writing it. And beyond that, this blog is so public, so making a > confession here is not a simple thing. It’s not like confessi” >

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  5. Destry Dancy says:

    Hey Thorin
    Thanks for posting this and I know it must have taken a lot of courage. In the past month, I gave in to crossdressing but it was way limited to what I used to do. Also I think you should consider what Don has said. Researching topics relating to transgender and such can keep the thought of crossdressing in your mind and Satan will viciously take advantage of that. I still struggle with porn and have given in in the past week. When I’m done with this post I need to get on my knees and pray! Furthermore, I have been thinking about getting an accountability partner because I cannot do this alone. Please is there anyone willing on this blog to by my partner?

    Destry

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Destry, for an accountability partner, please also share this request within the prayer group, I’m sure there is someone who will take you up on it.

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  7. thorin25 says:

    Thank you everyone for the responses. Let me respond generally to some of the suggestions, and questions.

    1. Yes there is no doubt this blog ministry keeps a lot of the crossdressing thoughts hanging around in my mind, which makes it harder to stay pure. But I would never give up this ministry, or at least would never give it up unless God brought me other men who would take it over from me. It’s too unique and too important. Also sometimes the research keeps temptation at bay, because it keeps my mind thinking the truth about crossdressing, not the lies I want to tell myself.

    2. Keep in mind everyone, I told you about this failure, but don’t misunderstand. For the last many years I haven’t had many failures, and on top of that, most of the time I go for weeks and months without a single crossdressing thought or temptation! So it’s not like it’s a struggle every day. Some of the comments, written out of compassion for me, made it sound like like I’m living a terribly hard life because of trying to give up crossdressing while doing this blog. But the reality is that I have already given up crossdressing, this is just a blip, and otherwise I’ve been living in freedom from crossdressing, and living a happy life. I don’t think about crossdressing every day and temptations are rare. When the temptations come, they are strong. But most of the time I don’t have any desire for it, and really don’t even think about it.

    3. Don, I think you can read more about my marriage on my “about” pages. Your suggestion is very understandable and probably is the case in some marriages but not mine. I can guarantee you that my crossdressing past has nothing at all do to with our marriage struggles. My wife knows about them. She supports me in this blog ministry. My wife doesn’t feel attraction or a need for affection, not just with me, but with anyone. But God has used our marriage to make us both more holy, more loving, and make us both servants, as we love each other well in the ways we each need to be loved. In that way, our marriage has got to be one of the best there is, real true love, love which puts the other first even when its hard. The resentment I felt is not always there either, but comes up time to time when I want to give myself self-pity. It’s stupid. There is no need for it. I live an extremely happy and blessed life. There is no reason to complain.

    4. Don, you are right that I am probably feeling more guilt about this sin than I should compared to other issues. I think the difference here is that in this case, it’s not just guilt before God, it’s more disappointment in myself for doing something I know I could have resisted, and have resisted for a long time. So it’s about letting myself down that a lot of that shame, guilt, and disappointment, is coming out in this post.

    5. Arich, really looking forward to that post from you soon, thanks!

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  8. Don says:

    Thanks Thorin for straightening me out about your wife. I had that experience with my first wife and when she found out about my cross dressing she lost her attraction to me and used to tell me I gave her the Willie’s when I would touch her (as a man). The marriage did not last long after that.

    As far as resisting and God’s word is concerned, once I reach a certain state of excitement or anticipated excitement, it’s too late and nothing will stop me. Once I was very tempted to cross dress because I was sick and slept for two days and missed taking my pills. I ended up masterbating instead of cross dressing and that was the end of it. Do you consider that a solution?

    Don

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  9. thorin25 says:

    Don, that is a hard question. For me, M is a solution, but I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone. Especially when my wife is away I don’t feel bad doing M to get rid of the sexual frenzy and stay away from sin. It’s always just a minute long with thinking only pure thoughts (thinking only of my wife). M is a controversial thing, and for some people it only leads them to impure thoughts or back to addiction. For me it doesn’t. I wish this time I would have done what I have done at other times, just quickly done M, and moved on with life, instead of giving in to such sin as I did.

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  10. Don says:

    Yes for me that was the case, my wife was out of town. I have a problem though. During M, or even when having sex with my wife, I have to fantasize about being dressed.

    I have tried and tried and that’s the only way I can finish. I can get started with her beauty and love, but for that final moment only one thing works for me.

    It’s that erotic imprinting in my brain. The thing is, God made us to have erotic imprinting but as you know, all kinds of imprinting can occur when you are too young to handle it. It’s that first erotic experience that gets imprinted. So it was sin that caused it, but why is it a sin when, once you are imprinted, designed by God to be permanent.

    It’s like you are doomed unlike most other people. Nobody is imprinted to lye or steal or any other sin to function normally, and just like hunger, sex is a normal, nessesary body function and I can only use my imprint to answer that hunger.

    Don

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  11. CD wife says:

    I’m upset about what you are saying Don (please don’t take it as a criticism) it’s the same pathology as Porn Addiction but i see it as adultery and a tragedy you can’t just enjoy your wife .

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  12. Don says:

    I understand your horror as a woman, but what can I do? Only what I can. I love my wife and she is entitled to be loved the way she wants too, which is for us to make love. I would rather not have sex under these circumstances, I do it for her, not for me, and I love her in many ways every day. So it’s not like adultery, I do it for her enjoyment not mine. If I wanted to be selfish I would not have sex with her, and then the marrage would go downhill for her.

    As it is I am taking antiandrogens so I don’t cross dress. So I don’t enjoy any sex, it’s a struggle just to perform but as you know sex is the glue that’s hold us together and she is my best friend and I tell her several times a day how much I love her and need her. She appreciates that I am sacrificing my pleasure so I don’t cross dress. I enjoy the closeness we have and her beauty when we make love so it’s much more complicated than saying it’s adultery.

    Can I get some support guys on this?

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  13. thorin25 says:

    Don, there is one thing I agree with a lot of the liberals about, and that is that sexuality is somewhat fluid, regardless of all the imprintings or orientations we might have. That is why so many homosexual Christians are still able to enjoy godly marriages, resisting their sinful temptations. We can experience some small change. That is why women whose husbands pretend they are women, can learn to be sexually attracted to them, almost becoming lesbians. Is that wrong and perverse? Of course. My point though is that it seems we are able to learn new sexual desires and change. I have experienced this myself. In giving myself to sin at times over the years, I found myself being turned on by absolute horrific junk in some of the CD stories I would read, even though such things would have never turned me on before, but I taught my body to desire them. In the opposite vein, during recovery, I have learned to desire CD so much less than I used to, and desire my wife so much more than I used to. I used to have trouble at times not thinking of CD while having sex with my wife. Sometimes it was hard to “finish” without doing so. But that was already years and years ago, and never have had that problem in years and years now, and those thoughts NEVER come now while with my wife. Change is possible! Maybe some people experience change easier than others, but I have to believe your body is capable of changing to, especially the help of our powerful God.

    I think you have to learn to not feel anxiety and worry if you can’t “finish” while only thinking of your wife. Just calm down, and have self control, and don’t do M. Don’t have sex with your wife if you are thinking of CD thoughts. Just hold eachother and kiss then. What I’m saying is to just relax and do the things you are able to do without CD thoughts, and slowly but surely you can find some change. Anxiety can cause those issues. But if you freak out and think I must have an erection, and thinking of my wife is not doing it! then you quickly go to CD thoughts. Just force yourself to put those thoughts to death regardless of the sexual outcome. That’s my advice.

    Know that you are loved here Don and I appreciate your comments!

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  14. thorin25 says:

    Don, I would also suggest that while the drugs helped you to become sober, perhaps it’s time to ease yourself off of them. You’ve learned how to resist CD and your body is used to resisting CD. Perhaps you can get off the drugs and continue to not give in to CD, and enjoy sex with your wife.

    Don’t take this failure I wrote about to make you lose hope. Most of the time I am very free and victorious and enjoying life with my wife! I don’t have any problem that you used drugs to help you quit. But I think now you are missing out on a lot in life because of them, when it’s time to learn self control, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

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  15. DD says:

    Thorin,

    I am sure that you will get rid of all the bad spirits in the end as I can see your sacrifices. By responding to all our comments or CDers’, you must constantly pay attention to something you want to rid of from your life. That means, you are a man of full of love, meaning full of God’s spirits. We know that Demon cannot win over God. So you will win in the end.

    But the question, actually I have, is that some may control/conquer this urge, but will this disappear? Is there any ex-CDers who just lost interest in it, not just purging? If this is something that stays always, I am getting to think that I should just leave my husband for both to be happy.

    ***

    I think that CDers had to create a woman in themselves because there was a certain time when their lives were very hard to face in the past, like people with multiple personality. My husband, for example, seems first to create this woman when he felt so alone as a teenager and his desire to CD gets stronger when his life is not going well.

    So, I pray for you, my husband, and other CDers that they will not have to feel so desperate any more…

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  16. Lisa says:

    Hi DD. I think controlling CD urges is more likely. Making CD urges completely disappear (from what I’ve read) sadly seems unlikely.

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  17. thorin25 says:

    DD, I do know of quite a few ex-CDers who seem to have completely lost interest in it and don’t have temptations anymore. For me, at times I thought that was the case, since I can go months or even a year without feeling a single temptation. So I don’t think we should be so full of doom and gloom. Even with my failure here, realize that most of the time I am living free from any crossdressing throught or temptation. But I imagine that for most of my life, the thoughts will still come back every now and then. Which is fine. It would be stupid to think that our desires to sin would leave now. Imagine thinking that you would never have a selfish thought again? We will struggle with sinful desires until Jesus returns.

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  18. Snip says:

    Thorin,

    I’ve been thinking for a while about what I should say here.

    First, thank you for confessing, it gave me strength this week as I struggled. When I struggle I often go to the internet for help when I should go to God. (Something else to work on) as you can probably imagine, this usually ends up with me reading things that I later regret. I do typically stop though when I realize it’s just another story rather than something that will help me overcome. I was starting to spiral a little and then all of a sudden my desires went poof when I said no more. Glory to Jesus!

    Mid March will mark 3 years since I wore women’s shoes and did the M so while I struggle off and on, I still am succeeding.

    Thank you again Thorin for confessing and for this blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. thorin25 says:

    That’s great Snip! Keep up the walking in victory. Giving in is not worth it at all. Don’t give in to the rationalizations. And celebrate how far you’ve come

    Like

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