One thing that has been helping me a lot this past year is purposefully cultivating my desire and attraction to my wife. I specifically try to do so by pondering Bible passages like Proverbs 5:18-19 and keeping them running through my mind throughout the day:
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
When we fill our minds with crossdressing thoughts, it only cultivates the desire for crossdressing. But we can take this principle in another direction. If we want freedom from crossdressing and want to desire our wives instead, then it’s good to cultivate desire for her by thinking about her throughout the day, and thinking about having times of physical affection or sex together. Actually this has been helping me a lot over the past few years. Crossdressing rarely comes into my mind, and what is most rewarding is that crossdressing does not enter my mind during times of sex with my wife (and years ago, near the beginning of our marriage, it certainly did). I love being with her, touching her breasts, and having these proverbs go through my mind. Not only is it physically and sexually satisfying, but it is satisfying in my soul knowing that I’m doing what God created me to do, instead of things he does not want me doing.
There are two potential problems for you with this post:
- Some of you are not married but wish to be. For you I understand your pain and your longing. It is not easy. Probably the best thing for you to do right now is to put your sexual energies into other things. Use your time and energy working out, volunteering, working hard at your job or school, and spending time with friends. Don’t give in to masturbation. Don’t think many sexual thoughts. If you don’t think about it much right now, you can live without it until some day that you get married. And remember you are not alone, many Christians throughout history went their entire lives without getting married (and without sex). This is an excellent opportunity to learn self control. And from experience I can tell you it is a lot easier in some ways to resist crossdressing while you are single than while you are married. So enjoy this time as best you can and learn self control before the difficulties of marriage come. Meditate on 1 Corinthians 7 about the advantages of being single like the apostle Paul was.
- Some of you are in marriages where your wife rejects you sexually a lot. My marriage is not perfect either. The good thing in my marriage is that my wife is willing to have sex with me periodically for my good even though she does not want to herself. I know the pain of a difficult marriage. If you are in one, do the best you can. Look for ways each day to please your wife and serve her. Look for ways to romance her. Make it your challenge to love your wife well so that she will respond to you. Get in good physical shape. Act like a man. Do good work and good things in this world that will earn you the respect of others and the respect of your wife. Be strong and assertive. At the end of the day, even if your marriage isn’t perfect, even if sex is not always there, enjoy your wife as much as you can, even if it just enjoying hugging one another without sex, or the enjoyment of touching her as you give her a massage she will enjoy. While it’s not ideal, if your wife refuses sex much of the time, I think it’s permissible to have physical bonding time with her and then masturbate right after (without thinking of CD). Then the masturbation is at least an extension of the physical time spent together. But you also need to gently remind her that sex is a part of marriage and it’s not a true marriage without it (see 1 Corinthians 7 for example). In the worst of the worst cases, if your wife is always refusing sex, I think it is grounds for biblical divorce, but that should be the last last resort after much attempts at discussion, healing, counseling, etc.
For those of you who are married and want to cultivate the desires for your wife that we are supposed to have, I will share some good Scripture passages with you. Focus on desiring her and her body and her beauty, and remove the crossdressing thoughts from your mind. You can enjoy sex with your wife and know that you are doing what God wants you to do, you are doing what is holy and you don’t need to feel guilt. At the beginning, sex with your wife might not seem as satisfying as crossdressing. But over time it will get better and better. Today I can say from experience that sex with my wife, as broken and hard as it sometimes is because of our marriage difficulties, is 10 times better than the sexual pleasure of crossdressing. But even if for you that turns out to not be the case, at least you can still appreciate sex with your wife knowing that you are doing God’s will and don’t have to feel guilty afterwards, and don’t have to experience identity confusion afterwards like you would with crossdressing.
Some of you might have grown up sexually sheltered like I did. In such cases I wonder if that contributed to us venturing into crossdressing as a sexual outlet. We might have viewed sex as something shameful or sinful, after so many people in our lives stressed how bad it was to have sex before marriage, and how bad pornography is, etc. But then we found a seemingly harmless outlet in crossdressing. We need our minds transformed. Sex before marriage is sinful, but sex is not bad in and of itself. Let the Bible transform your mind, to see that sex is good, it was created by God, and we should delight in it! It’s amazing how graphic the Bible is about sex! Read it without shame.
So meditate on these Bible passages and try to get them in your mind each day. As you do so, pray for your marriage each day. Pray that God as your loving Father would bless the sexual union you have with your wife, and your whole relationship in general. Pray that he would cultivate your love for one another and make your marriage strong.
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 –
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Hebrews 13:4 –
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Genesis 2:24-25 –
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Song of Solomon 1:2-4 –
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine.
3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
4 Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.
Song of Solomon 2:3-6 –
3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
4 He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his banner over me is love.
5 Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
6 His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.
Song of Solomon 4:1-7 –
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
not one of them is alone.
3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.
4 Your neck is like the tower of David,
built with elegance;
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
5 Your two breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
6 Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense.
7 All beautiful you are, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.
Song of Solomon 7:6-9 –
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9 and your mouth like the best wine.