About Me – Thorin Part #1 – Childhood – Elementary school
I thought I would give a little bit of my life story regarding this crossdressing issue. Obviously this issue is only one small component of my life and I can’t communicate the whole of who I am through these few pages. I also will leave out many important details of my life. For privacy reasons, I don’t want to give too much information.
I was born and raised in a strong Christian family with both parents present and a few siblings. I grew up loving Jesus as my Lord and had great faith and had a wonderful childhood. I grew up as an extremely shy child, very stubborn, very obedient, and became known as a tattle-tale by my siblings. I was pretty sensitive and quiet at school, but at home I was loud and energetic. I had a good childhood. I always had friends that were boys, but I had quite a few friends who were girls as well.
I remember doing plenty of “traditionally” (not truly) masculine things like playing outside every day, making forts, playing basketball, catching animals, playing with guns, etc. And I loved it. I was not forced into it at all. I also remember doing things like playing house, and other traditionally feminine games with my sisters. I played Barbies a lot with my sister and enjoyed it immensely. I somehow had a suspicion that it was wrong for me, but I didn’t think about it too much. Later on when I realized that most boys didn’t do that, I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know about it.
My older sister had dressed my older brother up in girl’s clothes at times, but I don’t really have this in my memory. I know that she dressed me up at least once, but it probably happened at least a few times. I’ve never asked about it, so I’m not really sure how often it was. One episode is very distinct in my memory. It wasn’t necessarily a good memory, but not bad either. She put me in a dress and did something little with my hair. She showed me to my mom, who said that I was cute, or something similar. And then she took me outside the house. I remember that it was either thrilling or nerve-wracking because a boy down the street (not really a friend, more of an acquaintance) passed by on his bike and saw me. I didn’t really want him to see me.
I also remember that I had many dreams of people dressing me up like a girl. These started probably in 1st grade already. I didn’t think about why I had those dreams. I just had them. I don’t remember if it was more about wanting to dress like a girl, or more about wanting to be a girl. Definitely sometimes I felt a lot of pressure at school being a boy, and probably subconsciously envied the girls. In the dreams, I would be with girls from school under the playground equipment and they would dress me up like a girl, one component at a time. A dress, then girl shoes, then lipstick and so on.
I also had similar thoughts often before bed, which I purposely thought about, rather than just dreamed about. These probably didn’t start until after the first dreams. I also had a dream or a fantasy, can’t remember which, where a few women sort of kidnapped me in a mall, and took me to a secret room. They were beautiful women, and they made me into a girl by dressing me up.
I remember being fascinated by seeing boy’s dressed up like girls on television shows. I enjoyed watching those, but again didn’t think too much about it, and didn’t go out of my way to watch them either. They made me feel tingly or excited while watching. This fascination did not carry over into public life. I was extremely distressed for example if my mother or somebody else kissed me and got lipstick on me.
I had a friend who dressed up as a girl for Halloween at school. I missed that day at school and was bummed I didn’t get to see him. I remember asking him detailed questions about what it was like to be dressed as a girl on Halloween, including what it was like to wear lipstick. I’m not sure I knew why I asked. He answered and didn’t seem to think I was weird for asking those questions. I do remember liking how girls looked, but as I didn’t go through puberty yet, there wasn’t strong feelings towards them. They were pretty mysterious.
The only other crossdressing episode that occurred during this time was once when I had 2 friends over spending the night. We got bored and wanted to do something crazy and we threw on dresses from the dressup pile and acted stupid and crazy. I don’t remember anything exciting or sexual about it. But I did think back to this episode later on when I crossdressed the next time in middle school.
By the end of elementary school, I still didn’t realize that I was different from any other kids. These issues of crossdressing were not blatant enough in my mind to actually make me wonder why I was thinking these things.
About Me #2 – Middle School – 9th grade
Middle school was one of the worst periods of my life. I had very few friends at school. I was still extremely shy, but now things were becoming even more awkward as middle school is for everybody. I had basically no understanding of sex or masturbation at this point still. My parents never did talk to me about sex, or about my changing body. Or if they did, I don’t remember it. We had some sort of sex education in 5th grade but it was pretty worthless. And I don’t remember learning anything else in school about sex after that.
I started to become more attracted to girls. I liked how they looked. I did have one girlfriend who thought I was cute, but it was the kind of girlfriend where I maybe had 1 conversation with her the whole time we were “going out.” By the end of middle school, I was very attracted to girls, but also found myself starting to be interested in the clothes they wore as well, and the make up and finger nail polish they wore. And I would enjoy staring at those things, still not understanding why I was staring at them.
My penis was awakening by the end of middle school and I would have erections uncontrollably even at embarrassing times at school, especially in 9th grade. Again, I didn’t understand much about this, and didn’t really know what they were or how to think about it. I just remember being ashamed once when girls pointed out the tent in my pants.
I kept thinking about girl’s clothing but never once had thought of wearing any until one point in 8th grade. I was home all alone. I was bored. I remembered the box of dress up clothes in the toy room. I remembered when I and my friends had dressed up stupidly years before. The thought suddenly became exciting. I put a dress on over my clothes and just sat on the couch wearing it. And then I must have taken it off and on 5 times. But I just kind of sat and enjoyed it in an excited (what I now know as sexual arousal) state. But somehow I also knew it was not right, or at least abnormal, so I took great pains that no one would see me or find out.
Well this fun activity spawned the biggest period of my crossdressing, from 8th to 9th grade. Every day I would get home from school and I would be alone until my parents got home around supper time. I think I probably crossdressed nearly every day of those years. And it was basically all that I thought about while at school.
Sometimes while people were home, I would sneak clothes into the bathroom and I would pretend I was on the john, but really was admiring myself in the mirror. I found old dress up clothes, my older sister’s clothing, my mom’s clothing, and various shoes around. I even used some lipstick. It got more and more exciting and fun, but more and more risky as well. I always had erections and did not realize the danger I was in, of getting sperm on the clothing. I did not understand masturbation or ejaculation yet. Fortunately God spared me from ruining any clothes. Through this whole time I never did ejaculate.
At times I would use markers to put fake nail polish on my fingernails. I would sneak into my sister’s bedroom and try stuff on, and then quickly change as soon as I heard someone come home. There were a lot of close calls in those days. I lived in fear and excitement at the same time. Sometimes I wanted to stop, but I didn’t try real hard. It just became more and more of a compulsion and addiction. I was so afraid someone would notice the clothes not put back in exactly the same way. So afraid I would ruin clothing that did not quite fit me, stretching it out or tearing it. There were a lot of feminine clothes to choose from in the house, and I spent hours trying things on.
I was also being aroused by watching crossdressing episodes on television. Maybe connected to this, I thought it would be fun to see my friends crossdressed (I did not think at all about the ramifications of this idea, of the possible sexual overtones). At times I tried to convince them to dress on dares, but thankfully they did not.
It was also at this time that I was just first using the internet. I wanted to look up a website that girls would use. So I started typing in random websites, hoping for harmless websites for girls. But I accidentally went to a porn website and immediately got off the computer. I was not interested in that. Well I didn’t know how to delete history in those days. My dad found the site, and asked me about it. I lied about it. It was partially true since I didn’t even want to get to that porn site. But I said I didn’t go to it. I still feel terrible about this lie to this day, possibly my only lie ever to my parents. The beginning of the deception that begins around secret sins like this.
This all continued for a long while until maybe near the end of 9th grade. I went through a spiritual awakening through a few combined events in my life. My faith came alive in a way it never had. My Christian faith became more my own than just the faith of my parents. Suddenly I had tremendous meaning and purpose in life. I had joy in serving God. I got really involved in my youth group and felt connected and had great friendships. I started voraciously reading my Bible, praying, and talking to others about my faith.
This had an effect on my crossdressing. Though no one told me it was sinful, and though I hadn’t really studied much in the Bible about it, I was just suddenly convicted that it was wrong and sinful. Probably the Holy Spirit working in me. I confessed and repented to God and I stopped it. It was hard at first, but got easier as I went. It probably was much easier to stop back in those days since ejaculation hadn’t been associated with it yet. I was able to never do any crossdressing again, nor even have a desire to crossdress, for close to 2 years.
About Me #3 – High school – College
Those 2 years free from crossdressing were absolutely wonderful. I had no more fear of discovery, no more lying, no more feeling dirty and guilty and confused about my gender. I had a Christian girlfriend during this time and we had fun together. The most we did was hold hands and I put my arm around her on the couch, but it was good fun. I was learning to be attracted to real girls rather than the girl of my making.
This was one of the best times of my life. I felt so free, and so good. I was very happy. I had great friends, a great youth group community. I was growing in my faith, loving the Lord, and God was using me to help others. At this time, I thought that crossdressing was a thing of the past and would never come back again. I thanked God over and over for healing me of it.
I don’t remember exactly when crossdressing came back into the picture. It must have been sometime near the end of high school, maybe junior or senior year. I know that at some point I started secretly crossdressing again, but it was no where near as often as before. It still was with erection but no ejaculation. And crossdressing was different than before, because now I felt guilty about it. Every time I did it, I would repent and confess, and try hard not to fail again. But I still did crossdress periodically, maybe once every 2 months at times, or up to once a week at other times.
Connected to this reawakening of crossdressing was a discovery of how to cover my tracks on the internet. And it really didn’t help when I bought my own computer and no longer had much to worry about as far as getting caught. Most of the time I explored crossdressing on the computer rather than actually crossdressing in real life. The risks were much less, and it was less work.
It started just by searching for somebody’s crossdressing experience, and mushroomed from there. I found it pleasurable to read about crossdressers, to look at pictures of them crossdressed (only if they looked enough like a real girl or woman), to crossdress in video games if possible, to watch videos of crossdressers online, etc. What hit me the most was crossdressing fiction. I could indulge in my crossdressing fantasies through the fiction and get totally engrossed in it and get great pleasure from it. Actually much of the time the fiction was more pleasurable than actually crossdressing myself. And that remains true to this day. I always gravitated towards stories of gradual crossdressing, either forced by a person, or forced to crossdress because of a unique situation.
Things changed drastically near the end of high school when 2 of my best male Christian friends and I all told each other our deepest secrets. They confessed about their struggles with pornography and me about crossdressing. We were all ashamed to tell each other, but after we did so, there was a great feeling of relief. The secrets were out to people we trusted. Just that action brought healing and help and support. We became each others accountability partners in fighting our secret sins. This greatly helped us. Just talking about our temptations made them less powerful.
But that huge benefit was hindered by them explaining to me what masturbation really was. I learned about ejaculation being the possible end result of an erection. Basically they gave me a quick lesson in how sex really works. I was glad to know the details. But later on, I just was too curious about it, and couldn’t help myself. I masturbated after reading fantasies and had my first ejaculation. This did not help my battle against my crossdressing desires. For the next years and into college, I continually fought, continually confessed, got help from accountability partners, but still failed periodically.
There was much wasted time during these later high school and college years. There were times where I would be on the computer reading, in a state of erection and arousal, for 3-4 hours at one sitting. This pattern continued in my college dorm room as well. I basically never crossdressed through my 4 years of college, but I continued to be plagued by the stuff I read or looked at online.
I got into a great accountability group of guys at college. They all struggled with pornography and masturbation. I didn’t tell them my specific struggle but led them to basically think we all struggled with the same thing. We did some pretty extreme methods to fight our addictions such as fasting together when we failed. This proved to not work so well, as fasting caused some of the guys to fail even more in their weakened physical state. I think it did help me though. It at least helped me to learn self-control and rely on God through hard times.
When I got serious about fighting my addiction in college, I did have some periods of success through God’s help. I never went 2 years like before. But there were periods of 1 month here, or 3 months there, that I was able to go without failing. But after a while another failure would always seem to come, in a moment of weakness or losing my head. I was starting however, to learn some self-control, and patience, and also during this time I started to really research my crossdressing struggle online and in books. I learned quite a lot about it and started to understand myself better.
Near the end of college I started dating the woman who is now my wife. Being attracted to her and enjoying time with her including my first kissing and making out, was very much fun, and gave me healthy good pleasures. This helped me overall with my crossdressing struggle. I didn’t tell her about my crossdressing struggles during this time of dating and engagement before marriage, but I did tell her that I had sexual struggles like most other guys did.
It was also during college that I started planning to go to seminary. I felt God calling me into the ministry. After college I went to a seminary and started getting trained to be a pastor. I also got married to my wife and we seemed to have a great beginning to our marriage, but things soon became difficult.
About Me #4 – Marriage
Talking about my marriage is a big topic. I could start a whole blog up just on marriage, and my marriage in particular, just as this blog is about crossdressing. I don’t want to write all about my marriage as that would take up so much space on this blog. Let me do my best to summarize.
Marriage seemed to start well but quickly became the most painful experience of my life. We figured out later that my wife married mostly for logical reasons and her heart really wasn’t in it. She is extremely independent and introverted, and also doesn’t really need physical touch from anybody, all opposite things from me in many ways. I felt like my love wasn’t returned, and sex was not good for her at all, and things just got worse and worse.
My wife knew that she wasn’t feeling as she should feel and couldn’t make herself feel differently. She felt guilty and like a horrible person all the time, and I felt extreme pain at her lack of romantic love. It was a very tough time for a few years, and we both would have wanted to divorce except for that we knew that divorce would be wrong in God’s eyes.
We knew that God designed marriage to make us holy, not only to make us happy. We knew that God would grow and stretch us through it and teach us how to love. We knew that being committed to the marriage was more important than our happiness. We stuck it out. We got marriage advice, we read books, we got counseling, and at one point even had a purposeful separation.
Well, things got better over time. Our friendship grew together in our mutual suffering. Our committed love and service to one another grew. Today we are best friends and very much enjoy life together. Things are still not perfect, and many of the problems we had in the beginning are still there, but to a lesser extent. We have learned much and grown much.
We’ve learned to depend on God through our suffering, and learned that our suffering even brought us closer to God. We learned what it means to suffer because of our obedience to God or faithfulness to Christ. Some are martyrs because they refuse to denounce Jesus and our killed for it, some suffer for doing the right things. We learned how to deny our own feelings and love the other person and give to their needs. We’ve learned how to be content without having everything we want. Our marriage has greatly increased our character, faith, and relationship with God.
Because of what we have gone through, our marriage is in many ways one of the strongest marriages around, in my opinion. We’ve worked through things many other people don’t work through. We’ve stuck it out when most people would have quit long ago. But we are reaping the rewards of perseverance and very much enjoying life together now. We could each not imagine being married to anybody else, and we love each other greatly.
Things that are still hard include her not feelings the same type of warm fuzzy feelings of love for me that I have for her. And sex is still not fun for her, not painful, just it is boring. She gets nothing out of it. She doesn’t even desire the feeling of closeness it brings. We still have sex periodically for my sake and try to make it pleasurable for her as well as we can such as giving her massages, etc.
Backing up a bit, I told her about my crossdressing struggles a few months after we were married. It’s not that I waited till we were married to then tell her after she was already trapped into marriage. It was not like that at all. Rather, the feelings of intimacy that marriage brought helped me to know it was time to trust her with everything in my life.
It was one of the hardest conversations of my life. I am not someone who cries a lot even though I would like to cry more. But this was a situation in which the tears were flowing and my body was shaking. It went far better than I could have ever imagined. I told her all about my history and how it was still something I struggled with. She was overall relieved, and was feeling that it was better for me to struggle with this than with pornography. She obviously struggled with how weird it was, but it didn’t make her love me any less. She also divulged to me all her most intimate struggles and sinful fantasies. This intimate honest conversation is one of the bedrocks that made our marriage and trust for each other strong. Obviously it added complications as well, but overall was the right thing to do.
Over the next while, I continued to talk to her more and more about it to help her understand. At that very first conversation, I told her to never let me crossdress, ever. I warned her ahead of time that I might have moments of weakness. She made clear that she would never ever want me to do it anyway. And she has never moved from that position. After this conversation she spent some time doing research on crossdressing to try to understand it more.
Throughout our marriage I have continued to struggle with crossdressing or virtual crossdressing fantasies. It has been very difficult to resist when all the clothes are so handy, and often I am home alone. It doesn’t help that my wife is pretty close to my size so her clothes fit well. Over the years, at times I have told her when I failed looking at things on the computer, and at times I have not told her. She understands that I have accountability partners and doesn’t want to hear about it all the time. She knows that I am sinful, just like her, and forgives me for my failures, as I forgive her. She just wants to be assured I’m working at it as best I can with my accountability partners.
She may or may not know what I’ve done with her actual clothes. She never caught me while dressed and never caught her clothing being touched. I’ve hinted to her at what I’ve done pretty directly a few times and told her I would tell her more about my failures if she wanted to know, but she never wants to go into that much more detail about it. I don’t want to just bluntly tell her for fear of making the sexual attraction in our marriage even worse. But I am certainly willing to be completely honest with her. I left her an open invitation to ask me for more information whenever she wants it, and told her I would be honest with her.
I bring up my crossdressing struggles to her quite often when we talk about life, my personality and so on. It’s not a taboo topic. It comes up so often because it touches on so many different aspects of my life and the way I think about things. And one of the interesting aspects of our marriage, is that I fit the feminine stereotypes in marriage books, and she the masculine ones, so we talk about gender things a lot. We feel that we are both unique in our genders in good ways, both messed up in our genders in some ways, and that God must have put us together for that reason.
Most of the times I’ve failed in marriage were the times when my wife was being very selfish or very unloving towards me. Or the times when sex between us was really not going well. During those times, I rationalized giving in because I said to myself that “my marriage sucks so bad”. But in the end I always felt guilty about giving in, both before God, and before her. I really wish I could take back all those times I did anything with her clothes.
Married life has been similar to college life in the frequency of my failures. Sometimes when I was doing well, I would go for 3 months or longer without any type of failure. Other times, I went once a week, mostly with computer failures. As marriage has been improving the last few years, it has become much easier to resist crossdressing, and the long periods of victory are becoming the norm, with failures as the exception.
With the various marriage counselors we have had, we did not bring up crossdressing. Amazingly, that is about the least of our problems when it comes to our marriage. But I did bring up crossdressing to another counselor who I saw individually. The counselor was great, but he really didn’t know much about crossdressing and basically talked about it as an addiction like smoking, but he didn’t know much more than the textbooks told him. If I got counseling again, I’d find a specialist sex counselor who deals with our kinds of gender issues. It was helpful to talk to him about it, but mostly to give me a chance to think through things, with him listening. I did all the teaching though.
As I do ministry as a pastor and the various other ministries I’ve done, I have found that my crossdressing failures really make me feel guilt and fake doing ministry sometimes. But other times, my history of failures helps me to have compassion and understanding for other people who struggle with various things. I think both my suffering in marriage, and fighting for holiness, both have shaped me into being a good understanding caring pastor today. More on that in future blog posts.
See more about me right now in About Me – Current, Thanks for reading!
To read more about how I view life because of my faith go here – My Perspective.