Resisting Temptation’s Mirage

I found this a really helpful article, dissecting what temptation really is, and giving us inspiration to fight it, just as Jesus did.

How to Resist Temptation’s Mirage Moment – at Desiring God.

I love this statement near the beginning.  How many times have I crossdressed because it seemed to promise me happiness?  Only to discover afterwards that it brought nothing but discomfort and guilt.

Temptation is a disorienting, defiling experience when evil is presented to us as good. Destruction comes dressed up to look like happiness. Sin only occurs when we believe that the destructive lie can actually grant happiness.

Like any addiction, crossdressing always disappoints, but yet it always seems to call us back, and we hope each time that somehow it will be more fulfilling than last time, and so we do it again, but again it disappoints.

Our disoriented emotions begin to respond to this desire with a feeling of hope — hope that maybe this time, even if we’ve been disappointed many times before, the oasis will quench our desire. But we know that God has told us it is a false hope.

This last statement is great advice.  I think it is a powerful exercise to do when tempted to crossdress.  Why is it that I really want to crossdress?  What is this actively falsely promising to fulfill for me? What is the activity really offering to me?

We must ask ourselves what the mirage is really promising? Sometimes just saying it out loud breaks its spell.

We must continually remind ourselves of God’s commands and God’s promises and the truth of God’s Word.  We must not let our desires or our emotions control our lives.  We will find true peace and happiness in God, not in sin.

Sexual Addiction Therapist and websites

Here are a couple very helpful websites by a sexual addiction therapist, Dorothy Hayden, LCSW.  She has worked with many people who have had the compulsion to crossdress.  Perhaps some of you would be helped by her therapy.  I can’t speak from experience as I do not know her, but I have read many of her articles and I really have appreciated what I have read!  Her therapy is not done from a Christian perspective, which of course I see as great downside, but I think her techniques could still be helpful to deal with the crossdressing behaviors and compulsion.

Here are two of her websites each with a plethora of great articles to read:

http://sextreatment.com/

http://porn-no-more.com/

 

I really like the approach to therapy that I see here – Sex Addiction Recovery Approach
So many of the steps outlined are things I have discussed on my blog many times, but not in such a logical consistent order as she outlines it.

This quote is interesting and helpful – “Sexual addiction recovery is a life-long process.  It moves you out of a narcissist position where your needs are imperative and only see others as need-supplying objects to where you are capable of true self-love.  Personal authenticity enables you to have empathy and compassion for others and allows you to take genuine pleasure from giving love rather than always being a self-centered taker.

I’ll post some other interesting quotes from her many blog posts and articles.  Reading these quotes and thinking about crossdressing hits really close to home.  Certainly crossdressing is one of the many types of dangerous sexual addiction.

Why do some men like wearing women’s lingerie?

Dorothy, I have to disagree with you on your answer here.  I think that most of us are not struggling with gender dysphoria (though certainly some of us are), but rather we are still attracted to women as men.  It’s just that we have unintentionally found an erotic shortcut, being attracted to a pseudo woman we can manipulate and control rather than a real flesh and blood woman.  Of course other factors are involved with how we developed this – possible trauma, a way to relieve stress or feel comforted, belief in rigid gender stereotypes, etc.   Unfortunately gender dysphoria sometimes comes in later over the years, as the pseudo woman starts to become a more important identity than our identity as a man.  This does lead some crossdressers to eventually get sex reassignment surgery even though their crossdressing started as a sexual addiction.

 

Who is a sex addict?

He is able to “undo” traumatic experiences from childhood, he meets needs for pseudo-connection, he uses sexual fantasy to release pleasure-producing endorphins in his brain, he is able to meet needs for breaking taboos, for novelty, to ward off fear of intimacy, among other functions of the sexual behavior. As you can see,  sex addicts use sex to meet needs that can’t be met by sex.

 

Underlying Dynamics of the Sex Addict

Fantasy is the fodder of a person in the “Erotic Haze”. In many cases, sex addicts perform some form of ritualized behavior. This usually precedes a sexual activity. For example, an addict may cruise in a car for hours looking for just the right sex worker. He gets pleasure from the ritual.
 
When the sex addict is in this mental state, his needs are what matter most of all. He feels no anxiety about responding to the needs of another. There is no fear of closeness, vulnerability or rejection. To him, nothing feels as if it is a compromise. All that exists is the pleasure of the sexual fulfillment. It is the only time in a sex addict’s life that he knows perfect control over the “other,” and this is distinctly unlike what he experienced as a child.

 

Why you must know about the sex addiction cycle

After 15 years of working with sex addicts, I have concluded that it is not sex – per Se – that is the object of the addictive attachment, but rather it is the state of sexual arousal that most addicts find so compelling. Orgasms are rarely the goal. As a matter of fact, people purposely delay orgasm because the aftermath can involve experiences of disillusionment, emptiness and shame.

Once you’ve entered “The Erotic Haze”, your ability to control your behavior becomes nil. Acting out becomes an inevitability.  However, there are a number of stages you go through before you arrive at that state. You don’t get “struck” acting out. It doesn’t come out of the blue, compelling you to take immediate action. The purpose of understanding the sex addiction cycle is, with mindful awareness, to know you’re in one of the beginning phases and to apply newly learned coping skills before you drown in the quicksand.

Rituals are a critical part of any kind of deviant arousal template. The ritual itself becomes a fetish, capable of engendering sexual excitement and release it itself.

The exhibitionist walks through certain spots at certain times, cruising for the same type of woman. The transvestite carefully lays out woman’s clothing and lingerie on the bed, looking at them for a period of time before he dons them. The clinical literature talks about “the masochistic script”. To all appearances, the “domme” is in control. In reality, the masochist calls the shots. The room needs to be arranged just so. The type of clothing the dominatrix wears is dictated by the bottom. Often, even verbal and physical humiliation needs to follow his exact script, or he is disappointed in the scene.

This last part about rituals was really interesting to me.  I have spent hours before doing google searches for crossdressing stuff but not allowing myself to actually go to any of the links.  I was fooling myself at those times that I was not giving in to the addiction.  But I was.  Somehow I was getting pleasure just by doing the beginning stages of the ritual, which would otherwise have been google searching and clicking through to the links.

There are many more articles and blog posts that she wrote that I would like to share here, but I will save some of the better ones for later so you don’t have to try reading so much at once.  She has some very good resources for you at both sites, whether you are struggling with pornography, crossdressing, other sexual addictions, or a combination of many of these.

How do I tell my wife, a friend, or a pastor about my crossdressing?

I have told quite a number of people in my life about my crossdressing addiction, both professionals, and also close family and friends.  So I’d like to share what I hope is some wisdom about how to best do this, and some general tips.

Throughout my life, I have told about this issue to my wife, a family member, two psychologists, one pastor, and three close friends.  Of course I’ve talked to plenty of other people online through this blog and email group, but I’m not counting those.  In every case of telling one of these people, things went smoothly and I did not have any regret about sharing this secret with them.  I know that this may not be the case for all of us, so I count myself fortunate and am very grateful for such good people in my life.

 

First we should look at the question, “should I really risk telling anyone at all?  Why take the risk?  What benefit is there?

This is a great question and it deserves a thoughtful answer.  I think for sure that this is not something a man should just tell anyone about.  We have to take care to guard ourselves from those who would malign our names or spread gossip or misinterpret our behavior.  But it is helpful to tell some few people.

One good reason to tell someone about your crossdressing past or present, is that it brings it into the light. Bringing sin into the light makes it lose power.  I have found that whenever I’ve told someone, it makes crossdressing seem so much more foolish, dumb, and unexciting to me.  Just speaking about what I actually do to another person takes away all the false rationalizations that I had built up in my head.  It makes crossdressing less powerful and enticing even before the other person speaks in response to your revelation.  When I tell someone, and for many weeks/months after telling someone, crossdressing no longer seems like something I can’t control.  I feel in control of my life and it seems easy to resist crossdressing temptations.  To dwell on this biblical theme of bringing sins into the light by confessing to one another, read 1 John 1 and Ephesians 5:1-20.

 

There are other reasons we should tell someone.  Firstly, let’s think about our spouses.  I cannot imagine having such a big secret kept from my wife.  My only regret is that I did not tell my wife before we got married, but rather I told her a few months into marriage.  Different people have different views about marriage.  But I want to be “fully known” by the one who loves me and has committed to share her life with me.  To be loved without being truly known is still good and still truly love, but it’s more superficial.  To be known, flaws and virtues together, and still loved, that is a treasure.  That is what God’s love for us is like to a profound more awesome degree.  I have committed to share my life with my wife, come what may, in sickness and in health, in all things, in happiness or unhappiness.  We make our decisions together.  We let nothing break our marriage.  It is inconceivable to me to imagine being married to someone who didn’t know everything about me.

Do I need to tell her every twisted thought that enters my head?  No, of course not.  But to hide this huge aspect of my identity, my personality, would be dishonest and even a betrayal.  She deserves to know about this.  Yes, it is largely just a sin of the past, but there are still temptations in the present.  Yes I am forgiven by God for all that I have done, but that past history still shapes so much of my personality, behavior, and perspectives.  The proof that she should know about your crossdressing is a quick mental imagination.  Take a second and imagine how angry she would be if she found out about your crossdressing from somebody else besides you.  She would be angry that you hid it from her.  She wants to know you fully just as you want to know her fully.  Imagine how you would feel if she had a secret addiction to pornography that she didn’t tell you about.  Husbands and wives deserve to know these things about each other, so that they can help each other, forgive each other, and love each other in spite of faults and failures.  You are not to hide parts of yourself from someone who is “one flesh” with you.

In addition, I would need to tell her for one reason alone, though not the most important reason, and that is that she needs to be aware of her actions so that she doesn’t inadvertently tempt me to sin through kinky games in the bedroom or leaving clothes lying about.  So I think it is a necessity to tell our spouses, and I think the best thing to do is to tell them during the engagement period, or before, so that they can fully know who they are committing to spend their life with.  If their love falls apart at such a revelation, than that is not the kind of person you would want to marry anyway.  And if you are reading this and you have not told your wife yet, well, better late than never.  It may be harder for her to forgive you, and she may feel deeply betrayed, but it’s better you tell her now so that you can have a real honest relationship now.  It will greatly help though that you are telling her yourself rather than her finding out through catching you in the act or hearing from somebody else.  Such a vulnerable act in marriage might very well strengthen a hurting or bored marriage.  When I told my wife about my struggle, she shared her own deep secrets and struggles.  In doing so, the marriage was strengthened as we both felt truly known and truly loved and realized that we really meant to act on life-long commitment.  Each person giving and receiving confession, grace, and forgiveness is a very powerful moment in a marriage.  For both you and her, I suggest you read this post – Giving Pastoral care to a crossdresser or transgendered person.

When I shared with my wife, she also became vulnerable and shared with me about her struggles.  She listened to me for a long time, without speaking much.  She gave me no condemnation and did not show any less love to me after the revelation.  She was not repulsed by me, though she found the behavior itself disgusting and strange.  She forgave me for past mistakes.  She gave me much grace.  She made it clear that she would not be okay with me purposely giving in to crossdressing, which I was in full agreement with.  The first conversation lasted 2-3 hours, and there were many subsequent short conversations after that.  She did her own personal research on crossdressing afterwards, and finally it was just a normal thing to acknowledge it and talk about it openly.  However, I found that generally she did not enjoy talking about it, so we don’t talk about it very much.  When I have had failures and told her in past years, she has always responded with some disappointment, but also with understanding since she is aware of her own sins and struggles as well.  She always forgave me after each time I confessed.  I have asked her directly then and recently if my revelation contributed to the difficulties in our marriage, and in our sexuality together, and the answer is a very clear “no.”  We both know the marriage issues we deal with very specifically, and this crossdressing past is not the issue.

 

Secondly, it can be helpful to tell professional counselors, psychologists, or pastors about your secret.  These people will likely be able to give you some good support, encouragement, listening ears, and perhaps help you to recover, change, quit the addiction, and heal.  However, I have some reservations about this though too.   Many of these counselors and pastors have very little understanding about crossdressing and gender dysphoria, and even if they are loving and compassionate, you may find yourself spending all the time teaching them rather than getting much help from them.  Also, in some cases, psychologists will tell you to “be yourself” meaning to give in to whatever desires you find inside you, whether helpful or not, whether sinful or not.  They may help you to destroy your life out of their own ignorance.  They may make it more difficult for you to quit the addiction that you know is tearing your soul and mind and life apart.  So be wary in finding a counselor.  Seek out counselors that are knowledgeable about the issue, and are willing to help you heal in your identity as a man, rather than exacerbating your problem.  Seek out Christian counselors that have a relationship with the Creator of the universe.

Pastors are more likely to be quite ignorant about your feelings and condition, and yet as you teach them and as they listen, I think they can be quite helpful.  If you get a good pastor who is teachable and doesn’t condemn you out of his fear of the strangeness of your behavior, he might be very helpful to you.  If you read the post above about giving pastoral care, there are many many issues that a pastor can help you work through even if he doesn’t know as much about crossdressing as you do.  Please see that post for a longer description about this and consider sharing the post with your pastor.  But he can help you work out what crossdressing is doing to your relationship with God, he can help you grow in prayer and Bible study, he can help you learn how to fight and resist temptation, he can help you to forgive, to grow in your identity in Christ, to help you appreciate God’s grace, to help you learn what it means to be a man according to God’s word, and so on.

When I shared with counselors and a pastor, my biggest surprise was by how insignificant they seemed to think crossdressing was.  They focused on other areas of spiritual and marital growth with me instead.  I think this is largely due to their ignorance about what a pervasive and destructive force crossdressing can really be.  I did work through crossdressing more in-depth with one counselor.  Mostly I was educating him, but it was helpful to speak out loud and process out loud about it.  In the end, it probably wasn’t worth the money.  But it was definitely not a negative experience.  He helped me to deal with temptations, looking at strategies he himself had used to give up smoking.  All in all it was not bad.  If one of you really needed a counselor though, I would try to help you find a biblical counselor who has some experience dealing with these sexual and gender issues.

 

Thirdly, it can very helpful to tell friends.  They are the easiest of any of these to tell, because if they are a close friend, you already have trust built up.  And since you aren’t in a sexual relationship, as with your wife, they won’t feel betrayed by your revelation, they won’t worry about how your condition will affect the marriage, etc.  It will be quite easy for them to listen, and probably still appreciate the friendship just as much after your revelation, if not more so.  There are so many advantages to telling a friend.  Besides bringing the sin into the light and having it lose power over you, telling a friend can also give you someone who you can vent to, to share your fears, frustrations, lamentations, and hopes and even jokes about this condition.  Telling a friend will give you someone who can help to hold you accountable.  We grow together in community when we are “real” with each other.  And telling a friend can deepen the friendship, bonding you together for life as close and loyal friends who will always be there for each other, friends who know the deepest darkest crap about each other, but are still together.

When I first told friends, I was in high school.  Telling them took a great deal of courage, and I couldn’t look them in the face, and I believe I was crying through most of it.  But like my wife, they gave me grace and understanding.  When I told them and made myself so vulnerable, they shared with me about their pornography addictions, in detail, including frank talks about masturbation.  Our friendships went to a new deeper level.  If you’ve never experienced such a close friendship, where you share those details about your life that you find most shameful, you are missing out.  Such friendships cannot be bought.  My friends and I were able to give each other help and accountability, so that even in high school and then later in college we could truly help and challenge one another to grow in Christ rather than spending all of our time playing football and Xbox and looking for girls.  These are friendships that last to this day, even though we don’t see each other much.  We will forever have that trust and loyalty.  Telling friends was one of the best things I’ve ever did.  I felt accepted even though fully known.  I felt secure.  Years of fear and isolation and loneliness melted away.

 

Some general tips as you think about telling someone

  1. Begin by telling a friend who has known you for a while, and who you trust, someone who is mature and living for Christ.  The first time you tell someone is the most difficult, and you don’t want to tell someone you don’t fully trust for this first time.  It will be hard enough that you don’t want to have to worry about risk of others finding out.
  2. Start by seeing if the friend is willing to be vulnerable.  Be vulnerable about another area of your life, maybe how you spend your money, what kind of woman you want to marry, how you treat your wife, pornography, etc, and see if your friend will hold you accountable in that area of your life, and if he will be reciprocal opening up about that area of his life as well.  For me, this subject is too personal to tell someone about it if they will not also open up to me.  I have told people about my crossdressing who were not reciprocal and it went fine.  But those conversations were much less satisfying and much less helpful.  It is truly helpful to tell someone when they will also open up to you.
  3. You can test the waters by bringing up homosexuality.  When you talk to a Christian about homosexuality, they may have many different responses, but let me generalize down to three.  1.  They could talk about how people should be themselves and we shouldn’t say it’s wrong to give in to homosexuality.  2.  They could be scathing and judgmental against gays, and want nothing to do with them.  3.  They could have a more balanced biblical approach, that they love homosexuals and want to be friends with them, but also they say that giving in to homosexual behavior itself is sinful and wrong.  So being “gay,” (meaning having those desires), is not our fault, but we do control whether we give in or not.   If you want to stay on the safe side, you might only tell about your crossdressing to someone who fits #3.  That way they can help you to resist crossdressing while also giving you grace and compassion.  Someone in #1 might try to convince you just to accept your crossdressing, or worse, they might be offended if you don’t embrace your crossdressing.  Someone in #2 might end the friendship with you when they find out about this strange sin you deal with.  Think about these various responses but in the end use your own judgment.  For me, I might still tell someone regardless of what number they fall into in regards to homosexuality.  In my experience, some friends who may have started in #1 or #2, have actually changed to more of the position of #3 after hearing my testimony.  So I appreciate God using me in that way.
  4. Pray about it first.  Pray for the person you will tell.  Take time to prepare.  Write down what you want to say if you have to.  Don’t rush into it.
  5. If telling your wife for the first time, make sure you include a deep heartfelt apology for not telling her sooner, and explain why you did not do so, without excusing yourself.  Also, point her to this post for wives.  Apologize and repent for any crossdressing you have done while married, including things done online, but don’t go into great detail as that will only disturb her and in my opinion is not necessary.  Help her to understand that even though you hid this from her for so long, that your marriage is still a real marriage, you still love her greatly, the memories of good times in the past are true and real memories, she doesn’t need to doubt your love and loyalty, etc.  Pray together afterwards.  Thank her for the grace she gives you.  Pledge to her that you will get the help you need to fight this addiction so that you stop giving in and heal from it.
  6. When I told people, I always began by saying I had something important to tell them, and that they should just let me speak without interrupting until I get most of my speech out.
  7. Take time to tell them.  Make sure you tell them when you have a few hours set aside.  Make sure there won’t be interruptions or phone calls.  Make sure you have time and energy to answer any and all of their many questions that they will surely have.
  8. If tears come, let them come.  Be vulnerable.  The tears will help to show your repentance and deep feeling.
  9. Make sure that they understand you didn’t choose to be like this, that you wished and prayed for the desires to go away.  Help them to understand that these desires don’t define who you are, they are just a tiny part of you, just a part of the sinful nature that everyone has.
  10. Tell them as much information as you can so that they don’t go away with bad misconceptions.  And perhaps give them some followup resources to read if they want more information, such as good books and articles that you can find on my links page, or my blog itself.
  11. When they open up and are vulnerable with you, give them the same grace that they gave you.  Pray together afterwards.

If you have other good tips and suggestions, please comment below to share with all of us.

Guest Post – Survived a Battle

Enjoy this helpful post written by “TemptedSinner” about his recent trials against temptation and how he dealt with it.

 

Tuesday 1/28/2016

Ok, so what does this mean? With the assistance of a spiritual director I am working my way through the 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. It is a 32-week program where I spend time every day in prayer, reflection and journaling.

The Spiritual Exercises

Those of you who know me, know that I am a fetishistic cross dresser. So yesterday (Monday) Ignatius has me once again go back to the times of my teenage and young adult life. A time where I began to break away from the rules of my parents, family and home. A time when my friends and what I wanted to do, were more important than family, church and God. In the beginning a time of experimentation with partying and puberty. Little did I know where these things would lead me at that time.

Quickly my mind went to some of the early days of going through my older sister’s dresser drawers and finding all of the pretty, soft colors and feel of her underwear drawer. As I was recalling these times of what I thought was innocent curiosity I didn’t necessarily feel shame or remorse as much as I began once again to feel arousal and excitement. Even to the point of touching myself almost unconsciously. I wanted to “get dressed” or put on some feminine fineries. Having burnt all of the items that I used for self-gratification back in April, I began to think about what my wife has that I could try on once again, as I used to in previous times after purging and starting up again. Trying to fight these thoughts and feelings I figure that I had better get ready for work and leave the house. As I am grabbing my shirt and pants from the closet I reach to the back of one of my wife’s shelves in the closet and pull out a pair of my panties. I couldn’t believe it! This is the second time that I have run across something since the great purge of 2015. I swear I thought I had gotten rid of everything at that time, in fact I had spent months gathering and consolidating all of my stuff before I lit that fire on a beautiful spring day in which I almost ceremoniously made sure that everything was set ablaze. A day where I declared my freedom from my sexual depravities. To say that I was overwhelmed with a combination of anxiety, excitement and fear would be an understatement. I continued to dig around and found six more pairs of underwear which my wife no longer fits into but I do and three pair of pantyhose / tights that I am pretty sure were mine. I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it. Why? How? What the hell?

All the voices inside my head, what is God trying to tell me? What could it hurt to wear panties or nylons just for a day? It’s only clothing! Why is there even any distinction between what men and women wear particularly when it is underwear? (insert Casting Crowns East to West) All those voices in my head are in reality only three. There is me and then there is good and evil. Looking at it honestly, I am the powerless one, almost standing on the sidelines while God and Satan declare battle within my mind. I am swearing out loud, questioning what is going on? As I take these items of my fetish and lay them out on the floor of our bedroom in front of my dresser, the devil or devils are almost yelling and screaming. “Go ahead, indulge yourself” It is times like this that make me feel insane. I also feel called to pray, a much much quieter voice. It is hard to say if I actually heard it or just felt it. I don’t know….. Did I say insane??? This was nuts. I was sweating, literally dripping perspiration, (gross) my hands were shaking, I didn’t know what to do or what I was going to do. I almost reached out to a friend who knows about this stuff in me, but I didn’t.

On top of my dresser is a picture of The Sacred Heart of Jesus, and almost every day as I am getting ready to begin my day I kneel and pray for my kids, family, others that need prayer. I also pray for help and guidance for my day. I knelt, I prayed, I bitched, I complained. I survived at least that battle. I ended up folding these items together, wrapping a rubber band around them and putting them back where they came from and left for work as quickly as possible.

As I type this I am in my basement, and I can hear (really I must be crazy, clothing cannot speak) I can hear this stuff calling to me from the bedroom. I am not going to respond to these relatively mild urgings today. (compared to yesterday) They will be discarded in some form or fashion soon.
I still ask WHAT THE HELL? This was not some freak coincidence! I don’t believe in coincidences, so what am I supposed to learn from this? Sure, God won out on this battle, Thank You Lord! Where is the next one going to be? I’m getting tired. The first year of trying to holy and pleasing to God was kind of easy compared to the last few months. I am well aware that because I am only five weeks away from having to give a witness at a men’s renewal at our parish, that I will continue to be tempted, to be attacked until and after the renewal weekend. I also know that by doing the Spiritual Exercises, by trying to get closer to God and following His will for my life, I am pissing off the dark side. These things I know and it all just really sucks.

I have tried to write this in order to send it out in multiple directions, because each of you are a part of my support system and I am in need of your prayers. And so that when those “voices” or temptations start talking in a confusing manner to you, try to listen for the quiet one.
I guess that is all I have for now. Through the love of Christ, I have confidence in today and I look forward to tomorrow in Faith, Hope and Love!

Peace
Temptedsinner

Sunday 2/1/2016
So, now the rest of the story: Common wisdom would have had me immediately discard these items of temptation. I felt that I needed to “face it” , to shine the light of Christ on to this situation in order to declare that this sin has no power over me. Sunday was a nice 50 degree day, so I began gathering up sticks to start a fire. I built the fire, got it going pretty good then proceeded into the house. While in the house I grabbed the bundle of underwear and talked to Wifey Dearest and invited her out to the fire. When she came out I told her that the fire had a purpose, that I needed to get rid of some stuff. I proceeded to tell her the story that you have just read. One by one each item went into the fire and melted away. My wife listened with a concerned heart, which I am grateful for.

Victory feels good, even when it is not my own. Christ won this battle for me, I truly believe that. How I was able to hear his voice and feel his presence, in the midst of this epic battle, I don’t know. All I know is that he was there for me and he is there for you too, whatever battles you face.

Your brother in Christ

Tempted

New Year – You Can Get Crossdressing Out Of Your Life!

It’s that time of the year, the time for New Year’s Resolutions.  Why not make a resolution once and for all to remove crossdressing from your life?  To be finally be healed from this confusion and addiction?  Sure, I grant you that it isn’t easy.  It won’t be instantaneous.  It might even take years for the desires to go away.

But do you really want crossdressing still in your life?  Do you really want to keep making yourself more confused about who you are?  Do you really want the shame and guilt?  Do you really want to keep risking your marriage, your job, and your friendships?  Aren’t you tired of feeling out of control?  Aren’t you tired of all the time wasted?  If you are a Christian, aren’t you tired of how crossdressing draws you away from a healthy relationship with God?

You CAN stop.  You DO have a choice.  You do have FREEWILL.  You are ABLE to make a change.  You CAN exhibit self control.  You CAN experience change in your desires.  It will be difficult, for sure!  But it will be worth it.

If you want some good reminders about why crossdressing is good to get out of your life – Summary of why crossdressing is sinful/harmful

If you want to read about how happy it made me to get crossdressing out of my life – I Quit Crossdressing and I am Happy!

If you want some good advice to get started in breaking out of this addiction – 12 Steps to Stop Crossdressing

 

Make a New Year’s Resolution.  And I and the rest of this blog community are here to support you!

 

The Suppression of Crossdressing Guilt

I periodically peruse the forums at Crossdressers.com and a number of other sites, as well as reading crossdressing blogs and the discussions/comments on interesting posts.

One thing that has impressed me is that the guilt and shame do not go away.  Men feel guilty about their crossdressing and it is a constant battle to suppress that guilt.  Sometimes the guilt explodes in a purge of the female clothing.  Sometimes the guilt causes the crossdresser to post a new forum comment or a new blog post in which he talks about his guilt and how he feels like quitting.  (From my amateur and perhaps faulty observations, it seems there are a few people doing this in an average week on Crossdressers.com as well as other places).

The answers given by crossdressers are always the same – “You shouldn’t feel guilt and you shouldn’t feel shame.”  “You just feel that way because of how people in society look down on us and don’t understand us.”  Basically the advice given is that the urge will never go away, and so the best thing to do is to plow through the feelings of guilt and shame, accept who you are as a crossdresser, and continue crossdressing.

Shouldn’t these repeated posts tell us something?  Can you really suppress all this guilt and shame?  If you are doing something that continues to cause you such pain, anguish, guilt, and shame in your heart, might the better solution be to work hard at no longer doing this activity, to heal from the guilt and shame so that you no longer have to feel it?

I used to feel guilty about something that I shouldn’t have felt guilty about.  Growing up I thought it was sinful to drink alcohol and that it always leads to drunkenness.  But someone corrected my view of Scripture on this issue, gave me a brief education out alcohol, and then I tried drinking.  And I felt fine about it right away.  The guilt has never come back even though I drink.  So my conclusion is that since Scripture and my conscience both do not give me guilt about this issue, it is not morally wrong and I should continue to drink.

But crossdressing is not like this, not for me, and clearly not for most crossdressers out there.  They keep trying to persevere in crossdressing through the guilt and shame, but no matter how much they try to suppress the guilt and shame, it just keeps coming back.  If the crossdressers were right that crossdressing should not produce guilt and shame, then why do the people keep coming back even 40 years into crossdressing, still feeling the same feelings of guilt and shame?!

I say in love to the crossdressing community, please stop trying to suppress the guilt, but rather deal with it in a healthy way.   Maybe your guilt is telling you that you are doing something that is wrong and not good for you, even if it feels good in the moment.  Once I gave up crossdressing, the guilt and shame in my life over that issue disappeared and I’ve been living in peace and happiness ever since, never once regretting the decision I made.

Please also read this other post I wrote about guilt which gives several other related ideas – Guilt is an Achievement!

Sexual Addiction Explanation and Resources

For most of us, crossdressing was (or still is) a sexual addiction.  It’s good to understand what it is, why it is a problem, and how to get help.  This resource at Psych Central is brief but helpful.  Here is a link to the first page – “What is Sexual Addiction?”  But please don’t overlook that at the bottom of the first article are about 7 more articles connected to the first one, such as about the causes, symptoms, and treatments of sexual addiction.  There is even a quiz you can take to see if you have an addiction.  Sometimes we delude ourselves and don’t think we have a problem.  Give these pages a quick read, they might be helpful for some of you.