Don’t Suppress your Desires

Many people have made the claim that I advocate suppressing your crossdressing desires.  I do not actually make that claim.  It is not healthy.  We must acknowledge that those desires are there, and consciously choose not to act on them.  If we just try to ignore the thoughts, sometimes that only makes them more powerful.  And if we try to deny to ourselves that we really have such feelings, they will come out in an unhealthy explosion later.  No, we should not suppress them.  We need to acknowledge them, deal with them, understand them, and then choose not to act on them.

This article from – Your Brain on Porn – talks about to deal with temptations in a healthy way that does not involve suppressing them.

When I get tempted to crossdress, I use this “RAIN“approach from the article, without consciously thinking about the acronym.  I feel the temptation come.  My body starts feeling weird and tense.  I recognize that, yes, I do have a desire to crossdress.  I then might even explore that desire.  What am I really desiring?  Do I desire to read crossdressing fiction?  Do I want to wear women’s clothing?  Or maybe I just am wanting a sexual release and crossdressing is the easiest way to get it?  Or sometimes maybe it’s not about the sexual release, and something about the “femininity” is attracting me.  So I don’t push the desire away.  I think about it and try to understand the underlying motivations for that desire in that moment.

Once I understand it, then I choose to reject it, and apply the proper real solution.  If it is that I’m bored, I find something productive to do.  If it is that I need sexual release, I will plan a time of sex with my wife, or if she is gone on a trip, then I may masturbate (I use that one sparingly).  If I am lonely, I will go spend time with God or another person.  If I’m feeling stressed, I will find comfort in God’s Word.  If I’m feeling bad about myself, and my masculinity, and desiring to be a woman, then I’ll combat the lies in my head with logical truths from God’s Word, about what it really means to be a man or a woman, and then seek contentment in the real situation I am in, knowing that I cannot really change my sex.

I think if many of you use this method, you will be able to calmly and rationally say “no” to temptations.

How Satan tempts us to crossdress

Recently I listened to this free sermon online by Pastor Tim Keller.  It was a powerful message, for any Christian, but for me when thinking about crossdressing it was especially insightful.  I highly recommend it – Spiritual Warfare by Tim Keller.

While I would never say that Satan is the cause of crossdressing in all of us, I would say that at the very least Satan exploits these crossdressing natures/desires in us, and tries to use them to bring us down.  We are in a war.  We have an enemy.  Thankfully our God is infinitely greater and more powerful and is with us and gives us power against Satan’s schemes.  But we need to realize what Satan is up to.

Tim Keller brings up several devices Satan uses, that he in turn got from another book.  I listed several of the devices that Tim Keller mentioned and I want to examine them in light of our temptations to crossdress.  In doing so, we can see the ways Satan is trying to mess with us, and we can be more resistant and overcome temptation.  (If you don’t think Satan and demons exist, you may believe what you wish, but please refrain from arguing with me about it).

Keller divides the devices into two types – Temptation and Accusation.


1.  Satan shows you the bait but hides the hook.   How often I’ve been tempted to crossdress or read crossdressing fiction and all I seem to be thinking about it is how pleasurable it will be in that moment.  But I forget how awful I will feel afterward, how confused it will make me feel in regards to my gender, how guilty I will feel, how I will get addicted, how much it will mess up my marriage, and how it will distance me from God’s presence.  And there are other more disastrous consequences my friends have gone through because of crossdressing – losing jobs, losing marriages, alienation from children, etc.

2.  Satan tries to get us to rationalize sin as virtue.   How often we crossdressers have ignored the addictive and distorted and deceptive nature of crossdressing by trying to say, “oh but it’s good for me to be a balanced person showing my feminine side” or “But my wife can better relate to me when I’m crossdressed (because I can’t have real feelings when not pretending to be a woman).”

3.  Satan shows us the sins of Christian leaders.   We regularly see pastors or famous Christians struggling with adultery or pornography or materialism.  In comparison, we don’t feel so bad about our crossdressing.  If they can do what’s even worse, we can dabble in crossdressing.

4.  Satan tries to get us to over-stress the mercy of God.   This is the one that has got me the most.  I have a very good sense of God’s grace and it fills my life daily with joy and gratitude.  However, in the moment of temptation, sometimes I use God’s grace and forgiveness as an excuse to give in to sin.  But just because God won’t punish me for my sin, does not mean I should give in to it.  As the apostle Paul said, do we sin more so that grace will increase?  By no means!  God’s grace should fuel our desire for gracious obedience, not become an excuse to sin.

5.  Satan tries to make us bitter about our suffering.  In counseling other men struggling with crossdressing, I’ve seen this one many times.  So many crossdressers have gone through awful life experiences, divorce, alienation from children, drug addictions, job losses, financial struggles, and many other very difficult issues.  Often the despair and the suffering drives these men to rationalize their crossdressing.  “I’ve suffered, so I deserve this fleeting pleasure.”  Or “life is so hard and difficult, what’s the point? I might as well crossdress.”  Instead of turning to God for comfort in suffering, we get confused and turn to fabrics.

6.  Satan shows us how many non-Christians seem to be having great lives.  If we judged crossdressing by the faces that we see on many crossdressing blogs and websites, we might imagine that most non-Christians crossdressers who are embracing crossdressing and not trying to resist it, perhaps they are all having wonderful lives full of happiness and pleasure.  But even if this was true, it doesn’t rationalize sin and addiction.  And I don’t think it is true.  Just browse the forums about crossdressing to see how much angst and confusion crossdressing causes in crossdressers’ lives.  The 100 people every day who find my blog through searches about the destruction crossdressing causes are not a figment of my imagination.

7.  Satan tries to get us to compare one part of our life to another.  I’m such a good person in other ways so its okay that I do this one sin.  Keller makes the joke, but serious joke, that mafia hit men rationalize their murdering of people because at least they love their mothers.  It’s a strong point.  How many of us have argued that in general we are good people, who love our families, work at our jobs, serve in our churches, so really what’s the big deal if we allow one little sin like crossdressing in our private lives?


Satan accuses us (lying to us), making us feel either a lower view of God’s love than we should, or a lower view of God’s holiness than we should.

1.  Satan wants us to look more at our sin than at our Savior.  He wants us to dwell on our past sins and condemn ourselves.   I have talked to many crossdressers who cannot imagine how God could still love them or forgive them.  And in their despair, they continue to crossdress.  But it is not our own righteousness that causes God to love us or forgive us.  In Jesus we can be completely forgiven and saved, and so we can live in joy and grace and obedience without despair.

2.  Satan wants us to obsess over past sins that have done damage that can’t be undone.   My crossdressing has hurt people, including my wife.  I have done some terrible things I’m ashamed of.  But Satan is the one who wants me to dwell on the past to keep me stuck there.  In Jesus, I am forgiven, and I am a New Creation.  I live for the future everlasting joyful life with him.  I leave my sin behind me, and push forward towards the goal.

3.  Satan wants us to think that the troubles we are going through must be punishments from God.  Satan wants us to ignore the fact that Jesus died to take our punishment.  If we look at our suffering now and view it as God punishing us, then we won’t run to God for comfort and help and provision and peace.

4.  Satan wants us to think that our inner struggles can’t possibly be something a true Christian would have.  I used to feel this way myself.  With these crossdressing desires and addiction, could I really be a Christian?  Am I alone in this?  I have found that I am far from alone and that all Christians have deep struggles that they don’t talk about every day!  True Christians face temptations, of all kinds.  But there is victory in Jesus.  We don’t have to be afraid.


If we are going to resist Satan’s schemes, we need to be aware of them and understand them.  Please give this sermon a listen.

You Can Say No to Porn – Video/Article

This short video/article by John Piper is a very helpful reality check in our battle with sexual sins – You Can Say No to Porn.  We often feel out of control with our sexual desires.  We feel that it is impossible to resist.  We feel overwhelmed by the temptations.  It is almost like we have to give in, almost like we have no choice.

But this is a lie we give ourselves to rationalize giving in to temptation.  Piper’s analogy or example is extreme to be sure, but it proves the point that we do have control over our actions.  If we were threatened that ISIS would kill our family members if we gave in to pornography or crossdressing temptation, of course we would have the ability to resist such temptation.  And if we were promised the reward of a million dollars, of course we could resist the temptations in order to get that million dollars.

This article hits home two points to me.

1.  I am in control.  I have freewill.  I can resist these temptations if I want to.  So the goal is to keep growing in my relationship with God, and learn enough about the detrimental effects of sin, that I do actually WANT to resist the temptations.

2.  I have a very paltry view of the gifts God has offered me.  God has not given me a million dollars, but he has given me his love, salvation, meaning in life, his presence with me, his Word, and eternal perfect life with him.  These things are priceless and in comparison a million dollars looks like rubbish.  If I really valued these gifts from God as much as I logically should, crossdressing would also look like rubbish in comparison and temptations would be far more easy to resist.  So I need to cultivate more gratitude for all God has done for me, and more faith in what is to come.

Article – The role of a wife in your recovery

This is a good article for thinking about the role of your wife as you recover from a crossdressing addiction.  What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has a Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery.  It can be difficult to know how much to tell her and how to involve her in a way that is appropriate and helpful to you both.

My own philosophy for my marriage, and what I usually suggest for men who are recovering from crossdressing is this.  Confess to your wife in a general way about your addiction.  Make sure you have a very long talk so that she can understand what a crossdressing addiction entails and what it doesn’t.  But leave out the specifics about what you have done.  The details aren’t necessary and only give her graphic images in her mind and could hurt the marriage.  She needs your confession, and hopefully forgives you.  But she doesn’t need every detail.  And then keep her posted on your recovery, what you are doing, and how you are progressing, but again, don’t give her every detail.  That is for your accountability partner.  Your wife doesn’t need to know about every relapse of wearing female clothing again.  She doesn’t need to know about every perverted thought that goes through your head.  But she does need to know you are taking your recovery seriously, that you have a support group or accountability partner, and that you are making progress.  And I believe she should be allowed to ask anything she wants and you should answer honestly.  You can advise that it might not be helpful for her to know all the details.  But if she wants to ask questions, you should answer.  After all, according to 1 Corinthians 7, she owns you!

This has worked very well in my own marriage.  My wife did not want to know all the details.  But it was good for her to know who I am and what I’ve struggled with and how I have found freedom.  And her giving me forgiveness and me receiving it, was vital.  Today my wife and I can talk freely about my former addiction and about this website.

Dress-up in a Different Way

Crossdressers love to play dress-up.  I’ve been there.  I know the secret pleasures of hours in front of the mirror playing dress-up with clothes that were not meant for me.  Ah, but that time is gone.  And I don’t miss it.  What a fruitless activity.  What a powerful addiction that was.  It kept me in bondage for so many years.  No longer.

Now I play a different kind of dress-up.  Now I seek to clothe myself with Christ.  No more clothing myself with bras and panties and living in the delusion that I could make myself a woman just by changing the outer clothing.  That is stupid and wrong.  Now I clothe myself with Christ, and clothe myself with the virtues he wants me to have.

Romans 13:14Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Galatians 3:27For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.

Colossians 3:12Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Clothing myself with Christ is a metaphor to be sure, but not completely.  When we become a Christian, Jesus the Christ truly comes to live in us.  And when he lives in us, he changes us from the inside out.  He gives us his own perfect righteousness so that we can have salvation, and then he begins to transform our lives by the Holy Spirit.  We then begin to actually look like him, not perfectly, no, not until he comes again in glory, but we do, in some small but concrete ways, begin to look more like Jesus.

For the Christian, this is what real beauty is all about, for both men and women.  For any of us, crossdressers or not, we are not to be so concerned with our outward physical appearance, spending hours in front of the mirror trying to look beautiful and obtain some cultural ideal.  We are supposed to be more concerned that we are following Jesus and living the way he wants us to live.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 –  9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

1 Peter 3:3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.

1 Peter 5:5-7 –  5 Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”  6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

The beauty of living like Jesus bears fruit in making the world a better place, and makes us more into the people God created us to be.   My brothers (and sisters), let us together strive for this kind of beauty.  It begins by trusting Jesus as your savior and inviting him into your life, and then let the joy of his salvation and forgiveness for your sins transform you, so that you delight to show him your thanksgiving by living a transformed life.

The holistic response to addiction – Article

First a great quote by author Tim Keller – “You know you’re an addict when you’re trying to deal with your distress with the very thing that caused your distress.”

Recently someone shared with me this article – The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think.

It’s not really surprising to me at all that there is more to addiction than the chemically addictive nature of the drugs themselves (or the chemically addictive nature of sexual addiction).  The article claims, and I think this is pretty obvious, that possibly the biggest factor is the condition of life of the person taking the drug.  If they are alone, depressed, and isolated from other people, then they will become addicted and keep going back to the drug until they die.

So in proposing solutions to the drug addiction problem he says – “So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”   Of course, if people have a good life and good relationships with others, then drugs, or pornography, or may I add, crossdressing, will have less appeal.

But the article is a bit too optimistic.  It’s one thing to say what we need to improve, it’s another thing to do it.  You might as well say that all the problems of this world come from our sinful selfish human nature (which is pretty much true, aside from the added problem of Satan).  But it’s one thing to name the problem, and another thing to solve it.  There is no magic button to repair everyone’s fallen sinful nature.  And there is no magic button to give everyone good human connection.

I think this world is a broken place.  Not everyone gets a happy childhood and good human connections.  Some people grow up with abuse, some people have their spouses leave them, some kids get bullied, etc.  Until Jesus gets back, there are going to be people who are drawn to addictive behaviors because of their isolation and deep pain.  There is no magic button, but there is a solution, and that solution is the person of Jesus, the Lord and Savior for this world.  It is only through him that we can be forgiven, have our sinful nature transformed, and have the kind of relationships with other people we are supposed to have.  And it is only through Jesus and his 2nd coming, that this world will finally be made perfect.

I would add to the article that it’s not just lack of human connection that causes addiction.  It’s a lack of divine contact.  We were made, created, to have a relationship with our loving God.  When we are disconnected from him, this is a far worse and painful and damaging isolation than isolation from other people.  And the opposite is also true.  When we finally have our relationship with God repaired, when we have that connection through faith in Jesus as our savior, then we have comfort, peace, and rest in our soul.  We have a friendship with the God of the universe.  When we really enjoy that relationship, all addiction can fall by the wayside.

I have noticed something in all my counseling of guys struggling with crossdressing.  There are some who can just simply stop, which is what I did for the most part.  And there are others for who it is a continual struggle.  There are other factors involved of course, and it is much more complicated than how I am about to say it.  But at times it seems that the men with well balanced lives, good marriages, and vibrant faith, they are able to stop quite easily.  But the men with hurting marriages, broken relationships, doubting faith, and difficult financial situations, they have a tremendously much more difficult time stopping.  The stress and worry and disconnection from all of these problems continues to drive them back to addiction, some of them to multiple types of addictions all at once, beyond the one addiction of crossdressing.

So this means that recovery from crossdressing has to be holistic.  You can’t try to fight the addictive behavior unless you are also going to give your life to Jesus, go back to church, work on growing in faith, reconciling your marriage, learning to deal with your anger, forgiving those who hurt you, trying to meet new people, growing in God’s Word, and finding healthy work to do.

An Overview of Sex Addiction – Article

This is a helpful article explaining the ins and outs of sexual addictions – An Overview of Sex Addiction by Dorothy Hayden.  I really thought it accurate in many ways.  However when the author claimed that most of these addictions are the result of bad mother-child relationships or dysfunctional families, that threw me for a loop because that was not my experience and I know for many other crossdressers that was not their experience.

Here are some choice quotes that I think particularly relate to us who have struggled with crossdressing:

The majority of sexual compulsives live in isolation, filled with feelings of shame. Almost 100 percent of the people who come to me for an initial consultation — whether it be for compulsive use of prostitutes, phone sex, a fetish, cross dressing, or masochistic encounters with dominatrixes — relay that beneath the shame they feel in telling me their story, they also experience a sense of freedom that comes from finally being able to share with another human being the hidden, shameful, sexually compulsive acts that imprison them.

The life of a sex addict gradually becomes very small. The freedom of self is impaired. Energies are consumed. The rapacious need for a particular kind of sexual experience drives the addict to spend untold hours in the world of his addiction. 

Sexualizing is used as a magical elixir to meet needs without having to negotiate the ups and downs of intimate relationships.
(Just think about how crossdressing creates a fake woman instead of a real one you can talk to).

Patients often report that they feel fraudulent, living two separate lives with two different sets of values and goals. They feel they’re acting out a version of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde.”