Painful story about dealing with a transgender partner

This is the story of a woman and the pain she went through dealing with her partner (husband maybe?) who was a crossdresser addict, who crossdressed for sexual pleasure until finally convincing himself that he was transgender.

The writer claims to be a radical feminist and much of her blog is about such topics.  I am not advocating for the content of the blog itself, nor the attitude of the author towards issues of gender and transgender.  While some of what she says in other posts about transgender I believe to be true, much of it comes in vulgar language, and is certainly not from a Christian perspective and worldview.  I would recommend not reading any of the other posts.

However, I can affirm that much of what she has written in her story, from my experience, is true not only of her partner but also of many crossdressers.  I have heard so many stories similar to hers since starting this blog ministry.

Read it here – Gas Mark Six

In her story she shows very clearly the issue of escalation in the lives of crossdressers.  When giving in to crossdressing, we can never be content.  The addiction escalates and escalates until crossdressing has consumed our lives completely.  We aren’t content until we can be fully and completely a real woman (which cannot happen).  And in cases like the man in the story, we can’t really get what we want, because we want to be real women while at the same time masturbating and having sexual pleasure as a man.  It’s hard to imagine that this man cannot see the foolishness of his actions, and yet this story is just one of thousands.

On the issue of emotional abuse I think she is right. I don’t agree with a lot of what feminists say, but I do believe they are right when they talk about masculine bullying and manipulating coming from transgendered husbands.  I have seen this time and again from other stories.  Trying to force your wife to live as a lesbian is abuse enough, let alone all the lying, manipulation, and guilt trips.

I’m sad to say that what she says about her counselor is also not unique.  For a counselor to lay all the blame on her instead of her husband is unconscionable.  That counselor should lose their license.   I have lost a lot of faith in secular counselors.  I’m hesitant to send those struggling with crossdressers to counselors because so many counselors are absolutely clueless about crossdressing and transgenderism and instead of truly trying to help someone quit crossdressing and accept their male selves, they will encourage them in their delusions.  They are going along with the culture which says that whatever people want to do is fine, we should not judge.  It’s foolishness.  I’d much prefer to send people to Christian counselors or pastors.

Quotations from the book – Divine Sex

I read a book called – Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision for Christian Relationship in a Hypersexualized Age by Jonathan Grant – and I had saved some quotations from the book to eventually share with you.   I do so today.  Even though the book is not about crossdressing or transgenderism directly, some of the sections were very helpful and enlightening as we think about our struggles, and as we think about the sexuality that God intends for us in spite of the various ways that we are broken.  The quotations are each about different topics, so I will comment on each of them separately.


But infatuation has a short natural life cycle.  Like the boosters on the space shuttle, it burns bright for a time and then falls away.  This explains why we feel so “alive” in this early romantic stage and why people make such significant sacrifices – of careers, reputations, and existing relationships – in obedience to these feelings.  The infatuation drug is so strong, Fisher explains, that anything associated with the object of our affection will seem to glow – his car in a crowded parking lot or her sweater over a chair.  It explains why the grass seems greener when we “fall in love.”  The second stage Fisher describes is the bonding experience of sexual intimacy.  Besides the spiritual-emotional attachment that develops during these encounters, a strong physiological attachment also occurs.  This, she says, is why there is no such thing as “casual sex.”  Sexual climax releases a rush of certain neurotransmitters and hormones.  The neurotransmitter dopamine intensifies the sensation of romantic love, while the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin deepen our emotional attachment to the other person.  Oxytocin is also released when a mother breastfeeds a baby, which bonds mother to child.  As Fisher explains, this is partly why we can experience such a strong sense of cosmic union with somebody after making love with them.  The final phase of relational attachment is the deep sense of peace, warmth, and security we can feel with a long-term partner.  This is the consolidation phase of a relationship, wherein the bond is deepened through emotionally warm experiences such as sharing a walk along the beach or watching a movie together.”

This was what I found to be the most interesting section in the whole book.  It is clear that when you fall in love there is a lot going on with dopamine.  But when a couple bonds together and stays together for a long time, the hormone vasopressin deepens the relationship.  It cements the connection between the two people.  What if something similar is going on in crossdressing?  With the sexual rush of crossdressing, you get the dopamine release.  And then as you continue in crossdressing, why wouldn’t we imagine that vasopressin is released?  I don’t see any reason to think this wouldn’t be the case.  A crossdressed male feels like the false woman he created is a real woman, and he is sexually attracted to her.  And even if crossdressing has evolved in a person to no longer be sexual, there is still a feeling of comfort, peace, security, and warm feelings.  Instead of, or in addition to, feeling a personal connection with a long-term partner or spouse, you feel a personal connection to your crossdressed self.  Or you feel these feelings with both your spouse and with your crossdressed self.  This would help to explain why so many crossdressers refer to their crossdressed self as if it really is a different person with a different identity. 

It would also explain why so many crossdressers choose to keep crossdressing over an existing marriage, because they have cemented the bond to the crossdressed self, perhaps more than they have with the spouse.  This would also explain why it seems so very impossible to quit crossdressing.  For long term crossdressers, it would be like leaving a spouse you’ve been with for years.  To leave voluntarily would seem near impossible, and you would continually be drawn to see that person again.   Please give me your comments and thoughts about this.  It makes sense to me.  But I could not find any studies looking at the connection between crossdressing and vasopressin.  Though it does appear that there has been a lot of research and/or talk about the relationship between crossdressing and oxytocin, which would perhaps amount to the same conclusion.  From a quick perusal of crossdressing forums – (for 1 example – warning don’t go further than this at that site, could trigger you to act out) – it appears that most crossdressers realize there is this hormone release when they crossdress, and that it is the same kind of hormone release they would get if they were with a real woman.  What I don’t understand is why they wouldn’t quit crossdressing and instead look for a wife, or spend time with the wife they already have.  Addiction is powerful.  Even when you understand that the alter ego is not real, and is just the woman you created that you are sexually attracted to, or are intimately bonding to, it is difficult to give it up.


Besides these developments, the type of pornography being consumed has changed in two important senses: its neurological power and its tendency toward hard-core content.  As regards the increased potency of pornography, neuroscience has established that the rich the media – such as high-definition, hyperrealistic moving pictures – the more powerful the effect, particularly on the male brain.  This helps to explain why contemporary pornography seems more addictive than earlier forms.  Online pornography also naturally drives viewers toward increasingly hard-core forms.  Automatic pop-ups and linked advertisements create a fast-moving dynamic environment, which tantalizes the user in the heat of the moment to journey into unintended and increasingly extreme areas.  This progressive dynamic means that all online pornography tends toward the hard-core, often taking people to places they had no intention of going when they set out.  Clinicians make a distinction here between the decisions we make in “cold” and “hot” states.  Because cyberpornography offers dynamic and open-ended choices during “hot” or heightened states, it quickly drives users to places they would reject without question in a cold state.  Most people who have developed a compulsive habit in this area confirm this progressive movement from “soft-core” erotica into increasingly extreme imagery and scenarios.  In this way, scenes that would initially offend or horrify them soon become acceptable and even desirable.”

I’ve definitely experienced this kind of escalation.  It’s very difficult to find crossdressing stories or photos that sexually satisfy you, without going much further into a bunch of other really awful shit.  The only solution is to not give in at all, to even the stuff that seems tame.  And if you view this kind of behavior as sinful, then you shouldn’t be giving in even a small amount anyway.


C.S. Lewis describes the ironic narrowing effect of sexual fantasy on a man’s personal identity and capacity to love.  Something that promises limitless frontiers of sexual discovery and satisfaction leads instead into a dead-end canyon.  As Lewis describes, ‘For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful [i.e., proper] use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.  And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.  For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival.  Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.  In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself….After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in.”

I’ve written about masturbation already – see my post here – but I really like this warning from C.S. Lewis.  It really shows the deep problems with masturbation.


Seeing the goodness of God did not change Augustine nor help to curb his passions, which remained disordered and uncontrollable.  In truth, this spiritual enlightenment shone a painful light on his brokenness and the depth of his addiction.  Torn between the truth about God and the truth about himself, Augustine prayed one of the church’s most honest and enduring prayers: “Lord give me chastity and self-control, but not just yet!”

Probably the same cry of many crossdressers who want to give up the sin and live for Christ, but at the same time they don’t want to give it upSome people try to give up crossdressing, but still can’t quite muster up the courage to purge for example.  Or they want to try crossdressing in moderation. 


C.S. Lewis affirms this conviction that it is not the taming of desire that will set us free but rather the unleashing and enlarging of true desire: “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased.”

God’s will for our sexuality is what is best.  He wants to offer us more, not less.  But people still don’t understand.  Crossdressers cannot understand the joy and happiness that I have, even though I gave up crossdressing.  I hope one day they will understand and join me in my happiness.


It is no wonder that the recent growth of online pornography has turned the previously rare term “sexual addiction” into a mainstream phenomenon within counseling, pop culture, and the church.  This is the age-old dynamic of idolatry.  At the beginning, an idol promises total satisfaction at no personal cost.  It presents the illusion that we are in full control.  Unable to fulfill us, the idol draws us further in and requires more from us with each encounter.  In the end, having promised us everything at no cost, the idol’s false promises ultimately take everything.  Having offered us control, the idol becomes our master.”

Crossdressing is definitely an idol.  It sucks away at your life until you’ve lost everything, marriage, job, family, and sense of your true self.


“Having established a safe place and clear rules of engagement – honesty and confidentiality – they shared their personal struggles and journeys: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Many people consider this sort of self-exposure to be anathema, and yet the group grew quickly.  Something about their mix of courage, commitment, and candor attracted other men.  The group became a genuine community of koinonia, or loving fellowship, by stepping into the sort of honest, purposeful, and supportive relationships that Augustine described in his own journey of discipleship centuries earlier.  As he says: “My true brothers are those who rejoice for me in their hearts when they find good in me, and grieve for me when they find sin.  They are my true brothers became whether they see good in me or evil, they love me still.  To such as these I shall reveal what I am.”

This quote explains well why I cherish and love the – prayer group – we have that got started through this blog.

Christian Responses to Transgender

Here are several more articles about Christian views of transgender issues.

I think this first article is quite good and thorough. What does the Bible say about Transgenderism / Gender Dysphoria / Gender Identity Disorder

The gender stereotypes the author envisions are perhaps a little too stereotypical with not enough room for certain boys and girls to be different from the norm.  But otherwise I think it is a helpful article.  It deals with understanding transgender, what repentance looks like, having realistic expectations, and the author advocates love and compassion to those struggling with these issues.  A very well rounded article, and very helpful.


What the Gospel has to say to Transgendered Persons

This next article is very interesting theologically and biblically, but it is pretty academic, and not very pastoral.  Don’t read it to know how to counsel transgender people, but read it to understand some of the important theological ramifications.


How should Christians respond to the Transgender Phenomenon?

Very interesting article about Christians wrestling with the issue of whether to view transgendered people as having a physical or mental disorder, or are they living in willful sin against God, or is it a combination of both?  I think this is a really helpful article.  The author is clearly advocating compassion of transgender people, and clearly admitting that people don’t just come up with these feelings as a way to rebel against God.  We don’t choose them.  Yet we do choose to act on them, and our actions are what is sinful.  And the more we act on our transgender desires and give in to them, the stronger they become, and the more we actually are rebelling against God.

An Alternative Method – Integration and Contentment

This post is different from my other posts. I have written from a more neutral vantage point rather than specifically out of a Christian worldview, in the hope that this post can help others who may not share my faith. In this post, I synthesize a lot of the things I have written about in other posts, and hopefully this concise article will help not only non-Christians, but Christians as well who have been reading my blog for some time.

In this brief article, I would like to address men1 who feel the need to crossdress, but who find it problematic to do so in their current life situation. This could include:

  • Married men whose wives do not approve of crossdressing.
  • Men who would not be comfortable having it known that they crossdress, and so therefore they crossdress in secret with constant fear of being caught.
  • Men who are prohibited from crossdressing legally because they live in oppressive countries, and would face prison or death if caught.
  • Men who might not view crossdressing as inherently bad, but recognize that crossdressing has become an unhealthy addiction negatively affecting their lives.2

I have tremendous compassion for crossdressers and for gender nonconforming people in general. We have to deal with society caricaturing us, often hating us, and misunderstanding us. We often carry our own feelings of confusion, guilt, and fear. Given this reality, it’s not surprising that the types of men described feel intense pressure to give up crossdressing. Our problem is that most of us do not want to give up what we view as an important part of ourselves. Some call this their “feminine side” or “inner femininity.” Crossdressing for many men makes them feel more like their true selves, and gives them important feelings that they do not get any other way.

In this article, I propose an alternative method to crossdressing that still achieves the same result as crossdressing: being able to embrace one’s inner femininity. I call this method the Integration (or Unified-Self) Method. I hope to show not only that it is possible to stop crossdressing, but also to show how this does not entail losing or suppressing anything essential in one’s identity and personality.

I will begin by telling my own story. Second, I will outline my rationale for the Integration Method. Third, I will explain how to actually pursue this method in real life. Fourth, I will explain why it is possible to stop crossdressing and give a few suggestions about how to stop. Last, I will give some thoughts about pursuing contentment in the difficult situations some of us are in.

My own story drives me to show compassion to others who might share a similar situation. Biologically I was born a male, and for many years I used to be a very active crossdresser. While it primarily seemed to be a sexual issue for me, it was certainly more than that. I had sharp pangs of longing to be female. Even before I started grade school I secretly longed to be a girl, but could not understand why. Almost every night I would imagine being transformed into a girl. Later in life, I felt like I did not fit in with other men. I felt like my personality was much more truly a woman’s personality and so I dreamed about living as a woman full-time. But I was terrified to tell anyone about my feelings. I felt very much alone.

In some ways crossdressing was very satisfying. It not only gave me sexual pleasure but it also seemed to bring out aspects of my personality that I had previously felt uncomfortable expressing as a boy/man. For example, I could dance freely while crossdressed, but could never do so, even when alone, as my male self. However, I felt strong internal pressure to give up crossdressing because it was an addiction that was interfering with my life (and there were also moral and religious reasons I need not discuss here). This led me to half-hearted attempts to quit both crossdressing and my fantasizing about being a woman. I tried hard for years, with occasional success, but I could never quite seem to fully shake my strong desire/need for crossdressing.

My cycle of frustration ended five years ago when I first learned about the Integration Method. Through a great deal of effort and introspection I was able to stop crossdressing. But I also was able to find inner peace and to no longer desire to be a woman. Today I have learned to accept my male body and now I am proud to be the man I am. All of this was only possible because it was not done at the expense of suppressing my “inner femininity.” To be honest, my desire to put on female clothing has not completely left me as on rare days a crossdressing thought might still find purchase in my mind for a time. And I did put on articles of female clothing a few times in the last 5 years, purely for sexual pleasure, episodes which lasted only minutes and were surprisingly unsatisfying. Besides these anomalies, I now feel free from controlling crossdressing desires, free from confusion about my identity, and free from guilt. I am content and happy now.

So what is the method that allowed me to embrace my inner femininity while also giving up crossdressing? I call it the Integration or Unified-self method. To put it simply, this method focuses on integrating both the masculine and feminine aspects of myself into my one true persona, my male self. Let me unpack this a bit to make it clearer.

I think that most of us would agree that both sexes, male and female, can experience a wide spectrum of feelings and personality traits, and no sex owns particular personality traits. For example, it is very possible for men to have the trait of being sensitive, just as there are sensitive women. However, in many societies certain feelings and traits have been labeled as “masculine” or “feminine.” To be fair, this is helpful in some ways. It is true on average that women tend to exhibit certain traits, and that on average men tend to exhibit certain traits. So perhaps we could say that many men are strong, rational, organized, protective, and like to lead. And perhaps we could say that many women are sensitive, nurturing, emotional, gentler, and supportive. We could add many more traits to this list. This is a helpful way to label the general differences between men and women. Many people delight to poke fun at the differences, to analyze them, to see how the differences cause friction in relationships, and also many see beauty and complementarity in the differences between men and women.

The problem is that societies and people tend to absolutize the traits. Instead of thinking, “many men are like this,” people start to think that “men must be like this to be a real man.” Many of us have internalized and believed these absolutist messages growing up, whether consciously or subconsciously. As a result, those of us who do not exhibit a high number of the masculine traits feel like we do not belong. So we either force ourselves to do things we are not comfortable doing in order to fit in with other boys/men, or we abandon the “male project” altogether. Every man experiences the tension of cultural expectations to some degree but for a few of us this becomes painfully frustrating and overwhelming. Men like myself who gravitate towards crossdressing have greater difficulties fitting into such cultural norms because we often have much less of the traditional masculine traits than the average man to begin with. Similarly, we tend to have a lot more of the traditional feminine traits compared to the average man. The unhappy result is that men like us often go through life with our personalities more stifled and more stretched than the average man. We are much more likely to cause injury to our sense of self.

I believe that it is precisely this type of suppression of self which leads many young men (including myself) to begin to crossdress in the first place, as a secret outlet for many of our suppressed feelings. Crossdressers use the act of crossdressing to feel more like their true selves. The act seems to give us permission to feel “feminine” feelings. For example, when crossdressing we feel like we are allowed to be gentle, nurturing, sensitive, drawn to beauty, attractive, etc. The act seems to bring these personality traits and feelings to the surface.

To pursue this integration method, I argue that we must first begin to think about all of these personality traits and feelings as “human traits.” Often a society will recognize that men can be generally like a,b,c,d,e, and women generally like f,g,h,i,j. But pick out a specific man at random and he might be c,d,e,f,i. Pick out a specific woman and she might be a,d,h,i,j. And in reality, men and women have many more personality traits in common than are different. I affirm the common understanding that if we measured society as a whole according to masculine and feminine traits we might get a bell curve like this:3

curveMy opinion is that a chart like this illustrates well the amount of sameness and difference between the two sexes, men and women. We can see that there are real personality differences between males and females.4 But we can also see that most people fall in the middle. Men and women are more the same than they are different. Some elements of society might want to steer men and women towards the extreme ends of the spectrum, but this is not where most people naturally fall. The first principle of the Integration Method is the understanding that our cherished personality traits are not exclusively “female” or “feminine” in their essence but may simply be more towards the feminine side of the spectrum. They are, in fact, human traits.

The Integration Method itself is the difficult process of discovering and understanding all of our human traits, including the ones some might call “feminine.” Then we determine which human trait crossdressing brings to the surface or helps to enhance. Finally, in lieu of crossdressing, we try to free ourselves to exhibit all of those human personality traits and feelings in the course of our regular male lives. We learn to undo the suppression and embrace the so-called “feminine” traits we cherish in ourselves, while still looking like a man and dressing like a man. To put it another way, the goal of this path is to take our two divided personas – the overly-stretched masculine self of our everyday life, and the secret, stifled feminine (crossdressed) self – and integrate them together so that we possess only one self, a unified self. If we successfully pursue this path, this would mean dressing and identifying as a man, but exhibiting the full range of human personality traits and feelings that are important to us and that we view as part of our identity.5 I actually affirm the statement, “be yourself and accept yourself.” But when I say this, I mean that you should accept yourself fully and completely, including your body and all your personal traits and feelings.

But this sounds easy when it is all theoretical. The reality, I admit, is much harder to achieve. What do we actually do in order to achieve this integrated self? I and my fellow bloggers have written much about this, and space does not permit to repeat everything here. But in what follows I will present a few ways to go about doing this. I want to be honest that these steps will not be as immediately fulfilling as crossdressing. Allow me to use an analogy concerning stress and illegal drugs to illustrate what I mean by this (and please remember that it is certainly not meant to be taken as an exact analogy, nor am I at all suggesting crossdressing should be made illegal). Some people use illegal drugs in order to deal with stress and anxiety in their lives. Such a treatment often works, for a time. There are probably some better ways to deal with one’s stress and anxiety, such as vigorous exercise, journaling, and perhaps even therapy. But these are more difficult. Why not take the easiest path to arrive at the same goal – the lessening of stress and anxiety through drugs? Here’s what I mean. I’m not naïve, and I know that for many the Integration Method will be a more difficult path compared to crossdressing in order to reach the end goal – experiencing certain “feminine” cherished feelings about one’s self. But as I mentioned from the outset, many men have the option taken away from them, or seek to distance themselves from crossdressing because it has become something closer to an addiction. I myself found this method (and giving up crossdressing) to be extremely difficult at the beginning. But now that I look back, I do not regret anything and I have found this process far more rewarding than crossdressing in achieving wholeness.

In fact, looking back, I believe that this alternative path brought about wholeness in a way that crossdressing cannot. In a strange paradox, while crossdressing could have been bringing true “feminine” feelings and personality traits to the surface during that moment, I think it was also causing further suppression of those traits in my normal male persona. From the stories I have read of other crossdressers, it certainly seems that regular crossdressing can in some cases cause people to further divide their sense of self into two personas, with two different names and identities, each with some of their personality traits, but with no one persona exhibiting all of that person’s personality traits and feelings as a unified whole. This is the opposite of a unified self. This is the opposite of a self which has embraced both so-called feminine and masculine personality traits in a healthy way. This is yet another reason why I believe the path of integration is the best path to wholeness and internal peace.

Some of the following steps take courage. In certain ways, it’s easier to crossdress in private than it is to be our true atypical male self in public. My personal feeling is that to continue to crossdress is to give in to the unfair gender stereotypes culture tries to impose upon us. I’d rather resist the stereotypes and champion a way forward for all of us men to be able to be ourselves, without thinking we need to put on a dress in order to fit in.

Some ways to pursue integration:

  • Regularly affirm to yourself that masculine and feminine traits are only labeled as such because of cultural generalities. Remember that they are actually “human” traits.
  • Think about all of your personality traits and feelings. Explore how you feel and what you are like when crossdressing. Explore how you feel and what you are like when you are not crossdressing. Write down and journal about the similarities and differences. Try to write down which traits most accurately describe your real natural self, when you feel comfortable and are not stretching yourself to live up to other people’s expectations. Now imagine what it would be like to exhibit all of these traits as your one unified male self.
  • Make a firm decision to be who you are, and accept yourself as you really are, both your body and all of your personality traits and feelings.
  • Every day tell yourself things like, “It is okay that I am a man but want to be beautiful.” “It is okay that I am emotional (or sensual, sensitive, spontaneous, etc.) as a man.”
  • Think about what activities you have tried or been trying to do only in order to fit in and make yourself seem more masculine, rather than out of enjoyment. Consider stopping those activities if they are stressing you out because they do not really fit your temperaments or interests.
  • Think critically about what activities, hobbies, or jobs you might have enjoyed doing but did not because you felt insecure about doing them as your male self. Maybe you pursued these activities only while crossdressed. Be intentional about pursuing some of them now. These could be things like knitting, ballet, cooking, painting, babysitting, or even something as simple as playing a supportive role in a cooperative video game or board game. Some things that I made a choice to do: I put a picture of flowers on my desktop and I let myself enjoy decorations people might think of as feminine. I enjoy shopping together with my wife for clothing for her.
  • Most importantly, every time you get an urge or thought to crossdress, stop and ask yourself what the underlying motivation is. Are you longing to feel beautiful? Are you wanting to let your emotions out? After analyzing the underlying motivation, figure out what you can do instead of crossdressing to meet that need. It doesn’t matter if the stereotypical man would not have that same need. For example:
    • If the need is intimacy, you could look for it in time spent with God, your wife, or a friend.
    • If the need is to feel beautiful, you can think about how God views you as his beautiful creation, or how you are attractive to your wife. Or you can dress up nicely as a man wearing a fancy suit to make yourself feel attractive.
    • If you want to enjoy the curves of the feminine body, remind yourself that this is not the body you have. Practice body appreciation of yourself! An alternative could be showing affection to your wife, or enjoy dressing her up in a beautiful feminine way so that you can enjoy her real bodily femininity.
    • If your desire is sexually motivated, see if you can be intimate with your wife instead, or if that need must wait, try to look forward to the next time of being your wife with patience and excitement. Or, depending on your values, you could consider masturbation as an alternative.
    • If you need to relieve stress, perhaps you can watch a favorite movie or play video games, or take up jogging.
    • If you feel like decorating yourself, you could decorate your house instead or paint a painting. Or you could dress up as a man, but with more stylish clothing. I now wear pink and purple men’s shirts!
    • If you want to feel soft and gentle, you could make a cup of tea and wrap up in a blanket on the couch.

I am not pretending that it is easy to know how to meet our needs in other ways. We have to think critically about these things. This list is not exhaustive, but hopefully it gets you started. Find what works for you. Each one of us felt different things while crossdressing, and so what we will each need may be different.

Whether these are truly feminine needs or traits that we cherish does not matter. Some of us grew up with terrible stereotypes of women that we now reject as educated adults. But we may have still suppressed a part of ourselves based on those stereotypes we grew up accepting. In fact, it may be we crossdressers who originally had the most internally absolutized views of masculinity and femininity, male and female, which led us to suppress parts of ourselves in the first place. So even if you now know that a certain trait or activity (like knitting) is not technically feminine in essence, it might be still something you suppressed previously and should now accept in yourself.

In the course of unifying our inner self through the Integration Method we might, on occasion, find that there are some “feminine” needs or feelings that we cannot achieve apart from crossdressing. If this occurs we might try reevaluating whether it really should be a need in our life in the first place. Is it really necessary for our happiness? Or is there a way we can redefine it or look at it in a new way? For example, perhaps I have the feeling of being carefree when crossdressed. I do not see how to get that feeling in any other way. But after careful thought, I can now see that real women actually do not necessarily have innate feelings of being carefree. This may be true in advertisements, but not in real life. In real life women have to take responsibility for their actions, and their lives can be hard and stressful and unfair. Recognizing this allows me to reexamine this desired feeling and come to the conclusion that that is not a feeling I should be trying to achieve anyway. I should instead be trying to be a responsible adult who is not always carefree.

Although this method requires real effort and perseverance, it has the potential to achieve for you much of what crossdressing was doing for you. This will allow you men in these terribly difficult or dangerous situations to give up crossdressing, so that you can keep your lives, your marriages, or your jobs and still keep your “inner femininity.”

But pursuing the long term integration method is only half of the solution. Men in these situations are hard pressed to quit crossdressing right away. How can that be done? Actually, after hearing my story, many crossdressers have wondered with some incredulity: “Is it really possible to stop crossdressing?” But I insist that it is possible to stop crossdressing if you really want to. This is simply logical and I’ve seen many other active crossdressers admit this as well.

We all have free will and we can make choices about what we will do and how we will live. Of course, we do not have the power to choose to instantly remove our longings to be the opposite sex, or to remove the internal impulses to crossdress. But we can indeed choose whether to crossdress or not, and whether to use time in fantasizing about our longings. All of us have thousands of desires and thoughts going on inside of us every day, and they regularly change due to our experiences, cultural expectations, and relationships. And of course, many of our desires are in conflict with each other. For example, we might desire a piece of cake but also desire to lose weight. We not only have competing desires on little issues, but on huge issues as well, such as relationships, which new job to take, and whether to transition or not.

It is impossible to fulfill all of our deepest desires, and that is okay, especially since some of them are harmful to ourselves or others. Every day we choose what we most want to do and act on it, while at the same time we choose not to act in other ways. But none of our desires need control us. If you really desire the path of integration and contentment that I am proposing rather than the path of crossdressing, then you can truly stop.

But it is difficult stop. I know from experience. Here are some basic suggestions that may help you to successfully stop:

  • First, make sure you really believe you can stop. Do enough thinking and study about this so that you come to the point where you really believe it is possible. Otherwise you are unlikely to succeed.
  • Second, make a firm decision to stop. Do not be wishy washy about it. The urge to crossdress will surely come, and you need to be ready to tell yourself you have already made a concrete decision to stop.
  • When an urge comes, do not suppress it. Face it and deal with it. Remind yourself of the decision you made to quit. Consider the RAIN approach. “R – Recognize what craving feels like. A – Allow it to be present without pushing it away, allow it to come up, do its dance and fade away. I – Investigate what craving feels like in my body right now with curiosity. N – Note craving as it comes and goes along with tension, yearning, and tightness in the body.”6
  • Find purposeful things to do in your life that will be fulfilling to keep your mind focused on other things (new job, church ministry, volunteering, travel, etc.). When the urges to come, consider distracting yourself until the urges die down. Hobbies, walks, weight lifting, video games, and even naps have worked for me. My favorite is to find beautiful clothing for my wife to wear for me.
  • Try to decrease the number of triggers in your life that make you think about or want to crossdress. This could mean spending less time alone, less business trips, avoiding certain stores in the mall, avoiding certain websites, etc.
  • Ask your wife to keep her clothes put away nicely so that you are not constantly seeing them over the floor or chairs.
  • Consider finding an accountability partner or support group who will encourage you and help you to quit.
  • When you fail and crossdress, tell someone else. Don’t let the failure paralyze you from continuing to try. Dust yourself off and keep on trying. Change is hard, but possible.
  • Keep reading about crossdressing in books or at websites like mine. The more we understand ourselves and our desires, the easier it is to control those desires. Just be cautioned that thinking about crossdressing often can be a trigger.

But maybe you are thinking: “Quitting crossdressing does not seem any easier than the difficult work of integration! It hardly seems worth it.” I’ll be honest, I did find it hard at first. But I found it to be very worthwhile and I would make the same decision again 100 times over. Is it worth it for you? Well that of course depends a lot on what pressures you are facing to stop crossdressing. In some ways, only you can answer this question. Are you willing to keep living in fear? Are you willing to risk your marriage for the pleasure of crossdressing?

Unfortunately from my perspective, most crossdressing websites and books will tell you that the only way to deal with crossdressing urges is to continue to crossdress, or even to pursue hormonal or medical treatments to go further. And they usually advocate that doing this is so important, that it should be pursued regardless of opposition or consequences such as losing a job, a relationship, or a spouse.

Although these messages are well-intentioned and given out of love to spare others pain, I do not think that suggested path will necessarily heal people from their pain and gender discomfort. Firstly, while pursuing crossdressing might provide some pleasure or fulfillment, the potential loss of spouse or job could be devastating and add a great amount of pain. Secondly, I would say from personal experience that are crossdreaming longings cannot ever be fully satisfied. The more I crossdressed, the more I wanted to crossdress. The more womanly I looked, the more I “needed” to do to try to look even more womanly. I just could not sate those desires. Even in an ideal world where there was no danger and all of our spouses celebrated our crossdressing, if we went the far step of undergoing medical treatments to change our bodies, we still would know we are XY males who were not truly born females. It is a thirst that I believe we can never fully quench. And it is, I think, universal wisdom that when we focus on and spend our time longing for something that we cannot truly obtain, we will be discontent, frustrated, and less happy.

Giving up crossdressing and pursuing the path of integration can actually be more rewarding in some ways. The more we can accept ourselves for who we are, without changing ourselves or our bodies, the happier we can be. The more we can have an integrated and unified identity, with ALL of our personality traits being allowed, the happier we will be. However, I’m not going to make any false promises or guarantees. If you give up crossdressing, but do not do the hard work of integration, then perhaps you might not be as happy as if you were crossdressing. Crossdressing surely gives a temporary rush of endorphins and nice emotional feelings. But for me, after putting in the hard work, I am completely happy without crossdressing and do not miss it at all. It was one of the most important decisions of my life and that decision has given me regular feelings of freedom and joy. And I gave it u while not giving up any of my so called “feminine” traits.

As I conclude, I want to offer a few tips about learning contentment. Contentment is a form of happiness or satisfaction. It is a happiness obtained from accepting our situation, even if it not an ideal situation. If we can learn to accept that there are certain things in our lives that we cannot change, and stop focusing on those things that we cannot change, we can become more satisfied and happy, or in other words, more content.

The men I am writing to are in very difficult situations. There are certain things that they cannot easily change. They cannot make their wives enjoy their crossdressing. They cannot easily change an oppressive country. They cannot crossdress in public for various reasons. They cannot truly become the women they long to be. I propose that if we stop focusing on these things we cannot change, and rather focus on making our lives the best they can be in our current situations, that we will be happier.

Here are some ways we can pursue contentment:

  • Accept the truth that your body is part of who you are and that you truly cannot change it. Let that reality sink in.
  • Think about what is positive about your body and focus on that. Focus on the positive traits about your character and personality. Find joy in being yourself even if you are atypical.
  • Celebrate your maleness by trying to look good and dress in a way that flatters your body.
  • Every day focus on making positive changes in your life, the things that you are in control of changing.
  • Cultivate gratitude, rather than envy. Do not let yourself give in to fantasies and thoughts of envy towards others. Resist thoughts of bitterness, resentment, or anger about your life.
  • Focus on building others up every day instead of focusing on yourself. This is more fulfilling and the way to find a joy filled and happy life.

The serenity prayer is a good summary of these steps:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

The path I am advocating is not easy. It not only takes the work of learning self-control, but the hard emotional and intellectual work of understanding yourself and your inner motivations. It takes work to learn to be content with your body, and to integrate all of your personality traits. It can be a long journey until you come to full self-acceptance. But for many of us this may be the best path to freedom and happiness.


1. While this writing may resonate with some women crossdressers, I will refer to men throughout for simplicity and clarity. I have more understanding about men who crossdress, being one myself.

2. This article will not address addictions of a sexual nature, such as the combination of crossdressing and masturbation (which can often be similar to a pornography addiction). Such men also might have reasons to want to give up crossdressing, and they can find many posts, resources, links, and tools on the rest of this site that can help them.

3. Graph taken from the article, “The Masculine-Feminine Continuum,” by Caroline Turner.

4. Some argue that these differences are purely due to cultural expectations. Others argue that they are due to the differing biology of the sexes. Most now recognize it’s not nature or nurture, but nature AND nurture. I think there are real biological differences between men and women that play a big role in their personality traits and gender expression, but I also believe culture and environment play a big role as well. It is outside the scope of this article to pursue the current research on these questions. More importantly for this article, however, is that disagreements about the nature/nurture debate does not affect my basic point about accepting all parts of our personality and integrating them together, rather than trying to conform to cultural stereotypes.

5. A couple of friends who also gave up crossdressing give excellent further explanation of this integration process in these blog posts. It would be fair to say that I learned it from them.

6. Judson Brewer, M.D., Ph.D., Assistant Professor (Adjunct) of Psychiatry; Medical Director, Yale Therapeutic Neuroscience Clinic.

Helpful Bible Verses 15

In my struggle with crossdressing over my whole life, many Bible verses have been helpful to me.  I’ve studied them, memorized some of them, and often read them after failures.  In addition to the ones I’ve already written about, I’ll periodically mention and comment on some of them and how they relate to my crossdressing struggle.  For those of you who are still struggling, it would surely help you to write some of these down and read them daily, or in times of temptation, or after a failure when you need to be built back up by God’s Word.


Revelation 21:6-8

6 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
This is another of many strong biblical passages that I’ve posted about before on this site.  On the surface it is such a powerful statement that we might ask, “but who then can be saved?”  We’ve all lied, we’ve all been cowardly, many of us if not most or all of us have sinned sexually.  Does this mean we won’t be saved?

I think we have to be careful to interpret passages like this correctly.  It is indeed a warning of a kind so we shouldn’t take it lightly.  But we should also not think that we are not saved just because we’ve sinned before.  Otherwise no one would be saved.  But that is the good news of the Gospel, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).  That there is therefore no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  That if we sin, we still are assured of forgiveness because we have a Savior and intercessor, our Lord Jesus Christ (Hebrews 7:25, 1 John 1:9).  It doesn’t matter whether we were a murderer of God’s people in the past, we can be forgiven in Christ like the apostle Paul.  And even when we sin now as believers, we are assured that Jesus’ blood still covers those sins as well (1 John 1:5-10).  When we accept Jesus as our Savior, he takes our punishment for our past, present, and future sins.

But the Bible is also very clear that true believers will exhibit transformation and change.  When we accept Jesus into our lives, when we truly do so, we can’t help but be changed by his presence in our lives.  We start living out the fruits of the Holy Spirit.  We become people of love and joy.  We become people who obey Jesus and God’s commands.  This passage in Revelation refers to people whose lives are characterized by such sins.  Liars who keep lying and are not repentant.  Those who are murdering even though claiming to be Christians.  Those who do not persevere in their walk with God when suffering comes and reject him because of their discomfort (they don’t “overcome”).  And those who are living sexually immoral lives even though claiming to be Christians.  There is a large difference between someone living a life of unrepentant continual sin, and a Christian who is struggling and trying to live for God, but still falling short.  The Christian will continually go back to God in confession and rejoicing in God’s grace.  This passage in Revelation gives us a sober truth about the judgment that is coming.  Only those in Christ, whose lives are no longer characterized by these sins, will be saved during that judgment.

So this passage should be a wake up call for those of us whose lives are characterized by sin.  Have we really chosen to accept Jesus as our Savior and Lord?  Or are we fooling ourselves and calling ourselves Christians when we are living for sin and not for God?  If this describes you, please take some time to think about the reality of life and death and God’s judgement for our sin.  If you are living in unrepentant sexual immorality, such as crossdressing, you unfortunately sound like one of the people described in this passage.  Accept Jesus into your life and repent of your sin.  Sit down and talk to him right now.  Just speak out loud to him, he will hear; that is what we call prayer.  And then walk in new life in Christ, allowing the Holy Spirit to slowly transform you into the person God made you to be.  Please read the passage below to see how much God invites you into his grace and love.

Whenever I’ve stumbled into sexual sin, I like to read this passage to remind myself of what God wants and does not want in my life.  It reminds me that as a Christian my life is not characterized by such sins and shouldn’t be.  It’s a helpful way to get refocused into living a holy life of following Jesus.


Revelation 22:12-17

12 “Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
14 “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.
This passage has to be paired with the strong passage of warning above.  While this passage repeats the strong warning about God’s judgment, that people living lives of sin will not be invited into God’s wonderful city of life, this passage is also so hopeful and wonderful.   God’s invitation to his grace is so wonderful.  If you are thirsty, and needing forgiveness and love and eternal life, the Holy Spirit says, “Come!”  “Come to Jesus and have life.”  He will quench your spiritual thirst that cannot be quenched in any other way.  It’s a “free gift” of grace.  You cannot earn it.  You can only accept that Jesus lived and died for you, in your place, and you have to accept it as a free gift.

When it talks about “those who wash their robes” it is referring to those who have been washed in the blood of the Lamb.  The Lamb is Jesus who died as a sacrifice for our sins.  If we know Jesus, have given our lives to him, then we have been washed.  Our sins are no longer hanging over our head.  They have been paid for and we are given Jesus’ righteousness, which are new robes, new clothes to wear.  I hope you understand this symbolism.  It’s powerful and this passage is one of my favorites of the Bible.  It makes me very emotional thinking about how wonderful God’s grace is and how wonderfully inviting God is.

I am also encouraged that Jesus is physically returning to this world someday.  May that day be soon! When he come he will judge the world but also make a new heavens and new earth where we his people will live with him forever.  There will be no more evil, pain, or suffering.  And for our purposes here at this site, when Jesus returns, he will make us new as well.  We will not only not crossdress anymore, but we won’t even desire it anymore.  He will completely make us new, including removing the taint of sin in our hearts.  He will remove our sinful nature completely, and not only will we finally be able to not sin, but we won’t even have the desire to do it anymore.  So many of us have given up crossdressing and have successfully fought that sin in our lives.  But we get so weary of the desires coming.  They are annoying and frustrating and we just want them gone completely.  Well someday soon, when Jesus returns, we will finally be at peace with no more weariness of being tempted to sin.  Of course this goes beyond crossdressing, to any other temptation to sin that we struggle with whether selfishness, greed, pride, lust, or anything else.  Lord Jesus come soon and make us new!

Sexual Addiction Therapist and websites

Here are a couple very helpful websites by a sexual addiction therapist, Dorothy Hayden, LCSW.  She has worked with many people who have had the compulsion to crossdress.  Perhaps some of you would be helped by her therapy.  I can’t speak from experience as I do not know her, but I have read many of her articles and I really have appreciated what I have read!  Her therapy is not done from a Christian perspective, which of course I see as great downside, but I think her techniques could still be helpful to deal with the crossdressing behaviors and compulsion.

Here are two of her websites each with a plethora of great articles to read:


I really like the approach to therapy that I see here – Sex Addiction Recovery Approach
So many of the steps outlined are things I have discussed on my blog many times, but not in such a logical consistent order as she outlines it.

This quote is interesting and helpful – “Sexual addiction recovery is a life-long process.  It moves you out of a narcissist position where your needs are imperative and only see others as need-supplying objects to where you are capable of true self-love.  Personal authenticity enables you to have empathy and compassion for others and allows you to take genuine pleasure from giving love rather than always being a self-centered taker.

I’ll post some other interesting quotes from her many blog posts and articles.  Reading these quotes and thinking about crossdressing hits really close to home.  Certainly crossdressing is one of the many types of dangerous sexual addiction.

Why do some men like wearing women’s lingerie?

Dorothy, I have to disagree with you on your answer here.  I think that most of us are not struggling with gender dysphoria (though certainly some of us are), but rather we are still attracted to women as men.  It’s just that we have unintentionally found an erotic shortcut, being attracted to a pseudo woman we can manipulate and control rather than a real flesh and blood woman.  Of course other factors are involved with how we developed this – possible trauma, a way to relieve stress or feel comforted, belief in rigid gender stereotypes, etc.   Unfortunately gender dysphoria sometimes comes in later over the years, as the pseudo woman starts to become a more important identity than our identity as a man.  This does lead some crossdressers to eventually get sex reassignment surgery even though their crossdressing started as a sexual addiction.


Who is a sex addict?

He is able to “undo” traumatic experiences from childhood, he meets needs for pseudo-connection, he uses sexual fantasy to release pleasure-producing endorphins in his brain, he is able to meet needs for breaking taboos, for novelty, to ward off fear of intimacy, among other functions of the sexual behavior. As you can see,  sex addicts use sex to meet needs that can’t be met by sex.


Underlying Dynamics of the Sex Addict

Fantasy is the fodder of a person in the “Erotic Haze”. In many cases, sex addicts perform some form of ritualized behavior. This usually precedes a sexual activity. For example, an addict may cruise in a car for hours looking for just the right sex worker. He gets pleasure from the ritual.
When the sex addict is in this mental state, his needs are what matter most of all. He feels no anxiety about responding to the needs of another. There is no fear of closeness, vulnerability or rejection. To him, nothing feels as if it is a compromise. All that exists is the pleasure of the sexual fulfillment. It is the only time in a sex addict’s life that he knows perfect control over the “other,” and this is distinctly unlike what he experienced as a child.


Why you must know about the sex addiction cycle

After 15 years of working with sex addicts, I have concluded that it is not sex – per Se – that is the object of the addictive attachment, but rather it is the state of sexual arousal that most addicts find so compelling. Orgasms are rarely the goal. As a matter of fact, people purposely delay orgasm because the aftermath can involve experiences of disillusionment, emptiness and shame.

Once you’ve entered “The Erotic Haze”, your ability to control your behavior becomes nil. Acting out becomes an inevitability.  However, there are a number of stages you go through before you arrive at that state. You don’t get “struck” acting out. It doesn’t come out of the blue, compelling you to take immediate action. The purpose of understanding the sex addiction cycle is, with mindful awareness, to know you’re in one of the beginning phases and to apply newly learned coping skills before you drown in the quicksand.

Rituals are a critical part of any kind of deviant arousal template. The ritual itself becomes a fetish, capable of engendering sexual excitement and release it itself.

The exhibitionist walks through certain spots at certain times, cruising for the same type of woman. The transvestite carefully lays out woman’s clothing and lingerie on the bed, looking at them for a period of time before he dons them. The clinical literature talks about “the masochistic script”. To all appearances, the “domme” is in control. In reality, the masochist calls the shots. The room needs to be arranged just so. The type of clothing the dominatrix wears is dictated by the bottom. Often, even verbal and physical humiliation needs to follow his exact script, or he is disappointed in the scene.


This last part about rituals was really interesting to me.  I have spent hours before doing google searches for crossdressing stuff but not allowing myself to actually go to any of the links.  I was fooling myself at those times that I was not giving in to the addiction.  But I was.  Somehow I was getting pleasure just by doing the beginning stages of the ritual, which would otherwise have been google searching and clicking through to the links.

There are many more articles and blog posts that she wrote that I would like to share here, but I will save some of the better ones for later so you don’t have to try reading so much at once.  She has some very good resources for you at both sites, whether you are struggling with pornography, crossdressing, other sexual addictions, or a combination of many of these.