How Satan tempts us to crossdress

Recently I listened to this free sermon online by Pastor Tim Keller.  It was a powerful message, for any Christian, but for me when thinking about crossdressing it was especially insightful.  I highly recommend it – Spiritual Warfare by Tim Keller.

While I would never say that Satan is the cause of crossdressing in all of us, I would say that at the very least Satan exploits these crossdressing natures/desires in us, and tries to use them to bring us down.  We are in a war.  We have an enemy.  Thankfully our God is infinitely greater and more powerful and is with us and gives us power against Satan’s schemes.  But we need to realize what Satan is up to.

Tim Keller brings up several devices Satan uses, that he in turn got from another book.  I listed several of the devices that Tim Keller mentioned and I want to examine them in light of our temptations to crossdress.  In doing so, we can see the ways Satan is trying to mess with us, and we can be more resistant and overcome temptation.  (If you don’t think Satan and demons exist, you may believe what you wish, but please refrain from arguing with me about it).

Keller divides the devices into two types – Temptation and Accusation.

Temptations

1.  Satan shows you the bait but hides the hook.   How often I’ve been tempted to crossdress or read crossdressing fiction and all I seem to be thinking about it is how pleasurable it will be in that moment.  But I forget how awful I will feel afterward, how confused it will make me feel in regards to my gender, how guilty I will feel, how I will get addicted, how much it will mess up my marriage, and how it will distance me from God’s presence.  And there are other more disastrous consequences my friends have gone through because of crossdressing – losing jobs, losing marriages, alienation from children, etc.

2.  Satan tries to get us to rationalize sin as virtue.   How often we crossdressers have ignored the addictive and distorted and deceptive nature of crossdressing by trying to say, “oh but it’s good for me to be a balanced person showing my feminine side” or “But my wife can better relate to me when I’m crossdressed (because I can’t have real feelings when not pretending to be a woman).”

3.  Satan shows us the sins of Christian leaders.   We regularly see pastors or famous Christians struggling with adultery or pornography or materialism.  In comparison, we don’t feel so bad about our crossdressing.  If they can do what’s even worse, we can dabble in crossdressing.

4.  Satan tries to get us to over-stress the mercy of God.   This is the one that has got me the most.  I have a very good sense of God’s grace and it fills my life daily with joy and gratitude.  However, in the moment of temptation, sometimes I use God’s grace and forgiveness as an excuse to give in to sin.  But just because God won’t punish me for my sin, does not mean I should give in to it.  As the apostle Paul said, do we sin more so that grace will increase?  By no means!  God’s grace should fuel our desire for gracious obedience, not become an excuse to sin.

5.  Satan tries to make us bitter about our suffering.  In counseling other men struggling with crossdressing, I’ve seen this one many times.  So many crossdressers have gone through awful life experiences, divorce, alienation from children, drug addictions, job losses, financial struggles, and many other very difficult issues.  Often the despair and the suffering drives these men to rationalize their crossdressing.  “I’ve suffered, so I deserve this fleeting pleasure.”  Or “life is so hard and difficult, what’s the point? I might as well crossdress.”  Instead of turning to God for comfort in suffering, we get confused and turn to fabrics.

6.  Satan shows us how many non-Christians seem to be having great lives.  If we judged crossdressing by the faces that we see on many crossdressing blogs and websites, we might imagine that most non-Christians crossdressers who are embracing crossdressing and not trying to resist it, perhaps they are all having wonderful lives full of happiness and pleasure.  But even if this was true, it doesn’t rationalize sin and addiction.  And I don’t think it is true.  Just browse the forums about crossdressing to see how much angst and confusion crossdressing causes in crossdressers’ lives.  The 100 people every day who find my blog through searches about the destruction crossdressing causes are not a figment of my imagination.

7.  Satan tries to get us to compare one part of our life to another.  I’m such a good person in other ways so its okay that I do this one sin.  Keller makes the joke, but serious joke, that mafia hit men rationalize their murdering of people because at least they love their mothers.  It’s a strong point.  How many of us have argued that in general we are good people, who love our families, work at our jobs, serve in our churches, so really what’s the big deal if we allow one little sin like crossdressing in our private lives?

 

Accusations
Satan accuses us (lying to us), making us feel either a lower view of God’s love than we should, or a lower view of God’s holiness than we should.

1.  Satan wants us to look more at our sin than at our Savior.  He wants us to dwell on our past sins and condemn ourselves.   I have talked to many crossdressers who cannot imagine how God could still love them or forgive them.  And in their despair, they continue to crossdress.  But it is not our own righteousness that causes God to love us or forgive us.  In Jesus we can be completely forgiven and saved, and so we can live in joy and grace and obedience without despair.

2.  Satan wants us to obsess over past sins that have done damage that can’t be undone.   My crossdressing has hurt people, including my wife.  I have done some terrible things I’m ashamed of.  But Satan is the one who wants me to dwell on the past to keep me stuck there.  In Jesus, I am forgiven, and I am a New Creation.  I live for the future everlasting joyful life with him.  I leave my sin behind me, and push forward towards the goal.

3.  Satan wants us to think that the troubles we are going through must be punishments from God.  Satan wants us to ignore the fact that Jesus died to take our punishment.  If we look at our suffering now and view it as God punishing us, then we won’t run to God for comfort and help and provision and peace.

4.  Satan wants us to think that our inner struggles can’t possibly be something a true Christian would have.  I used to feel this way myself.  With these crossdressing desires and addiction, could I really be a Christian?  Am I alone in this?  I have found that I am far from alone and that all Christians have deep struggles that they don’t talk about every day!  True Christians face temptations, of all kinds.  But there is victory in Jesus.  We don’t have to be afraid.

 

If we are going to resist Satan’s schemes, we need to be aware of them and understand them.  Please give this sermon a listen.

An Overview of Sex Addiction – Article

This is a helpful article explaining the ins and outs of sexual addictions – An Overview of Sex Addiction by Dorothy Hayden.  I really thought it accurate in many ways.  However when the author claimed that most of these addictions are the result of bad mother-child relationships or dysfunctional families, that threw me for a loop because that was not my experience and I know for many other crossdressers that was not their experience.

Here are some choice quotes that I think particularly relate to us who have struggled with crossdressing:

The majority of sexual compulsives live in isolation, filled with feelings of shame. Almost 100 percent of the people who come to me for an initial consultation — whether it be for compulsive use of prostitutes, phone sex, a fetish, cross dressing, or masochistic encounters with dominatrixes — relay that beneath the shame they feel in telling me their story, they also experience a sense of freedom that comes from finally being able to share with another human being the hidden, shameful, sexually compulsive acts that imprison them.

The life of a sex addict gradually becomes very small. The freedom of self is impaired. Energies are consumed. The rapacious need for a particular kind of sexual experience drives the addict to spend untold hours in the world of his addiction. 

Sexualizing is used as a magical elixir to meet needs without having to negotiate the ups and downs of intimate relationships.
(Just think about how crossdressing creates a fake woman instead of a real one you can talk to).

Patients often report that they feel fraudulent, living two separate lives with two different sets of values and goals. They feel they’re acting out a version of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde.”

 

I will not google that

In relation to my last post about doing whatever it takes to quit crossdressing and fight temptation, I did a writing exercise that was helpful to me.  A television show reminded me of how kids used to do the discipline activity of writing something like “I will not hit my sister” 100 times on a piece of paper.  Such an activity I think is helpful because it really ingrains the idea in your head.

Recently, I looked at websites about crossdressing that I should not have looked at.  I repented and enjoyed God’s forgiveness and moved on.  But I did not want it to happen again, so I did this writing activity to help me be more vigilant when it comes to the internet and crossdressing.  Especially I want to be more vigilant around google and not searching for things that might seem harmless, but will lead me down a wrong path.  I thought writing this phrase out – “I will not google that” 100 times would be helpful for ingraining that idea in my head.  I’m not sure if I reached 100 times, but it turned into a wonderful devotional activity in the process, and a good reminder of why I don’t want to fall back into crossdressing or looking at crossdressing websites.  I highly recommend this writing activity.  Below is a sample section from my activity.

I will not google that
I will not google that.
I will not google that.
I will not google that cd filth
I will not google that cd rubbish
I will not google that stupid fiction
I will not google those perverted stories
I will not google those flickr pictures
I will not google that art
I will not google story filth
I will not google that perverted sin
I will not google this toxic stuff to my soul
I will not google pictures of women celebrities
I will not google pictures of women
I will not google pictures of men
I will not google pictures of clothes
I will not google seemingly harmless phrases
I will not google any cd fiction which is all trash
I will not google anything without a purpose
I will not google trying to find sinful things to fill my mind
I will not google in an addictive state ruining my life
I will not google and waste all the time in my life
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google anything about CD
I will not google CD filth
I will not google CD drawings
I will not google CD photos
I will not google when I am home alone
I will not google dresses that were not made for me
I will not google that which will rot my soul
I will not google that which will put me in bondage
I will not google that which will make me feel pain
I will not google that which will make me feel regret
I will not google that which will make me want to vomit later
I will not google that which will make me disappoint my God
I will not google that which will make me add to the sins Christ had to bear
I will not google that which will make me lose a battle
I will not google that which will make me break my victory streak
I will not google that which will disappoint my accountability partner
I will not google that which will disappoint my prayer group
I will not google that which will fill my mind with horrid images
I will not google that which will confuse my body’s sexuality
I will not google that which will bring rot to my soul
I will not google that which will pull me farther away from God
I will not google that which will pull me farther away from my wife
I will not google that which will make me hear God’s voice less well
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that evil filth
I will not google that stuff I Hate
I will not google that stuff that filled my life with bondage for so many years
I will not google that and become a slave
I will not google that and go back to slavery
I will not google that and confuse my sexuality
I will not google that and read about such nasty things
I will not google that and waste all of my time
I will not google that and waste all my time looking for wholesome CD stories because there aren’t any
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that no matter what
I will not google that no matter how much it entices me
I will not google that no matter if I am alone and can delete my history
I will not google that no matter how much my body wants it
I will not google that just because I want sexual pleasure
I will not google that because I want to masturbate
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google beautiful women instead of desiring my wife
I will not google women to lust after which is adultery
I will not google any women to lust at which is adultery
I will not google any people to lust at which is adultery
I will not google pictures of CD men to lust at which is homosexuality
I will not google pictures of any people to lust at which is messed up
I will not google any kind of crossdressing fiction because its all so nasty and wrong
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google that
I will not google any of that rubbish
I will not google that which I know God does not want me to
I will not google that because I know that is what is best for me
I will not google that because I know that God’s will is best
I will not google that because when I don’t google that I am always happiest
I will not google that because when I don’t, I am free
I will not google that because I know God gives me the strength not to
I will not google that you stupid devil
I will not google that because I am going to be victorious
I will not google that
I will not google that because I am the Lord’s child
I will not google that because I have the Holy Spirit living in me
I will not google that because God loves me
I will not google that because I am a man of God
I will not google that because I am a leader of God’s people
I will not google that because I have the promise of eternal life
I will not google that because my joy is full because of God’s salvation
I will not google that because God is my all in all and all that I need
I will not google that because God is my joy and my treasure
I will not google that because Jesus is coming back again to make me new and change my desires
I will not google that because God is with me, always.

I will not google that. I am free.

The horrors of addiction

This is a little video that I find very applicable to my life with crossdressing.

At the first, I crossdressed as almost an experiment of sorts, like the kiwi first eating the yellow orb, but not so sure what it was.  I was drawn to crossdressing somehow, but didn’t know why or what it would do for me.  I just one day put on a dress, and felt a sexual and emotional high, and wanted to do it again, and again.   It was an amazing feeling, those first times of crossdressing.  It felt so new and exciting.  I could think of almost nothing else while at school.  Just needed to get home and immediately crossdress again.

But as time went by, I needed more and more.  I needed more varieties of clothing.  I needed to look more like a woman.  I needed makeup.  I needed underwear.  You know how it goes.  To get the same high I needed more and more.  And the high lasted less long and it was less strong.  Both the sexual high and the emotional comfort/security/pleasantness of it all.  You see after the 2nd high, the kiwi doesn’t land so gracefully.  That was me too.  I started getting desperate and sloppy and almost getting caught.  I spent far too much time in the activity.

After a bit more time, I was out of control.  I felt like crossdressing owned me rather than me it.  I could not stop myself.  I “needed” it all the time.  I started not hanging out with friends so I could crossdress instead.  I made up excuses to stay home from events instead of going with the family, so I could be alone to crossdress.  It started ruining my life.  And it was making me distant from God.  That left me in a dark place, thankfully it did not last really long, and I started fighting the addiction, and have been fighting to this day many many years later.  And I have been enjoying every moment of freedom.  Even with a relapse, I still have enjoyed greatly these last years of freedom and joy and the natural highs of living life for God in abundance, without the unnatural perverted high of crossdressing that can never fully satisfy your soul.

Some of you are in the throes of this addiction.  I know from talking to so many of you.  You are looking like the kiwi at the end of the video.  You are shriveled up and dying.  You are doubting your faith, feeling distant from God, and feeling like you can’t be forgiven.  You have lost your job because of your addiction or you are close to it.  You have messed up your relationships with your kids and your wife.  You may be going through a divorce because of this addiction.  And one of the things I keep seeing is that the people who come to me who have had crossdressing ruin their life, they are isolated.  They have spent so much time in their addiction that they have very few good relationships, very few friendship, they are isolated and alone because like a drug addiction, a crossdressing addiction saps your life and time away.

Brothers, men out there reading this, get some help!  This addiction will not give you peace!  There is freedom and forgiveness around the corner!  Freedom and life!  Admit you have a problem, decide to fight it, and get help.  If you are interested, we have a whole community of men here ready to support you.

Suicide prevalence among transsexuals and crossdressers

A while back someone shared this report/research study (pdf) with me and I finally got some time to read it – Suicide Attempts among Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Adults.

It’s an interesting and important read.  The study was not perfect nor were its research methodologies (as noted even in the report itself).  But really, what study is perfect?  None, to my knowledge.  And I think this one is pretty good.  My main fault with it is that those surveyed were people who were reporting to be gender non-conforming or transsexual.  But I think this would exclude large groups of people, people like me for example.  I might respond to such a survey today, but I would not have done so 5, 10, or 20 years ago.  There are a lot of men out there like I was.  Men who are married but actively crossdressing, and men who are married but with transgender feelings and just trying to make the best of a hard situation.  Many of these men would not respond to a survey like this out of fear of someone in their family finding out somehow.  It wouldn’t be worth the risk at all.  But many of these men, like myself, have never attempted to commit suicide either.  I have a hunch that the people responding to the survey are people who had already felt extreme pain and rejection in their life related to these issues and so responded to the survey.  Even the report says – “Further, the survey’s focus on discrimination may have resulted in wider participation by persons who had suffered negative life experiences due to anti transgender bias.”

But that aside, it’s still a good report bringing to light this very important issue of suicide among the transgendered and crossdressing population.  It’s worth a read so we can be aware of this issue and help those who are struggling.

I’m not surprised at the pain transgender people or crossdressers go through.  I can say this because I’ve had significant pain in my own life because of these issues.  The gender confusion and desires for what seem so illogical can make you feel crazy.  It’s pain beyond what most people realize, pain concerning our very identity.

I’m also not surprised by the horrible consequences and heartache people have felt because of these issues.  I’m not surprised that they have experienced lost jobs, broken relationships, and family relationships torn apart.  It’s a severe shock when someone finds out you’ve been secretly pretending you are a woman, or when someone finds out you are going to the doctor to have surgical operations to change what is a natural and healthy body.  When people find out, especially a wife or a loved one, they feel betrayed.  They feel like you aren’t the person you said you were.  They feel as if you’ve been hiding a deep dark secret from them for years (and often that is truly the case).  And in some cases, if you go off and start living as a woman, or refuse to quit crossdressing, they feel you are not the person you were, but are confused and trying to become someone else.  A woman who married a man is certainly not going to be okay being married to another woman (albeit a fake one), and having another mommy for her kids.  So again, I’m not surprised by the rejection people like us go through.  If we refuse to give in to our desires, we might feel unfulfilled or unhappy or untrue to ourselves.  But if we give in, we can totally ruin our lives and relationships.  It puts us in a pretty horrible fix.

But beyond these issues, the research study makes abundantly clear that much of the stress causing suicide attempts goes beyond these natural feelings and consequences, and is the result of bullying, harassment, and even violence.   It is partially because of this that the numbers of transgendered people attempting suicide are shocking – “In looking at the percentages reporting a lifetime attempt within various subgroups of the overall sample, we repeatedly found “lows” in the range of 30 to 40 percent, while the “highs” exceeded 50 or even 60 percent.”

This makes me sad.  I hate crossdressing and transgenderism.  But when I see people struggling with crossdressing or transgender feelings, I try to react with love, sensitivity, and compassion.  I’m not perfect, and don’t love these people perfectly, but I try.  I am strongly against harassment of these people or violence towards them, even verbal violence.   When I’ve counseled such people in person, I always try to be loving, I shut up and listen well, and I even give them a hug.

If we don’t respond in love to such hurting people, we will indeed drive them closer to suicide.  That’s why when I hear from wives of crossdressers through this blog, I always counsel them to first listen to their husbands and try to understand.  I counsel them to try to be forgiving and loving even if they hate what their husbands have been doing.  And I remind them that their husbands took great courage to even be able to share with their wives their secrets and they have been through much pain already.  They did not choose to have these feelings.

It is because I am well aware of this pain out there that I still have this blog.  I want to reach out and help others.  I have found freedom and change and contentment.  I am no longer so confused in my gender.  I am no longer trapped in addiction.  I am no longer unhappy.  Now I feel so happy and so free, and I want to help others find this freedom as well.

Friends, we need to reach out with love to these people, whether they be strangers, brothers, sisters, children, or husbands.  We need to act towards them as Jesus did.  No, Jesus would not accept foolish ideology, or encourage them to alter their bodies.  He would not help them put on a dress to pretend they are women.  But he would most certainly sit with them, talk with them, love them, forgive them, and serve them.

The Porn Pandemic

Here is a helpful video about sexual addiction, particularly pornography.  For those of us who struggle with addictive masturbation connected to crossdressing fiction or crossdressing, I think the same principles apply.  We need to understand the brain chemistry to these addictions.  And the issue of novelty is so huge.   I found myself looking for new things as my addiction continued.  My addiction did not stay just basic crossdressing.  It got progressively worse and went into other more perverse areas.

These addictions are not things to mess around with.  They can easily destroy our lives, marriages, and relationships.  Recently I just had a friend lose his job because of his crossdressing addiction.  Brothers, let us step up the fight and take this seriously!

OCD connection to crossdressing

By OCD, I am of course referring to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  I’ve been looking at a number of websites and articles online that talk about a connection between OCD and crossdressing.  It’s very interesting and important for me to think about because 1.  I am mildly OCD and 2. There are reports of crossdressers finding relief of their symptoms by taking medication used to treat OCD.

Firstly, how many of you readers are OCD?  I took an online test that seems fairly legit.  Click here for the test.  For me personally, I scored a 16, and the test says a score of 12 and up means it is very likely I have some sort of OCD.  Obviously it is not a foolproof test, but my friends and family members have made fun of my obsessive nature many times, calling me OCD.  Watching movies of people with severe OCD people, I can see myself in them, having their same tendencies but not to such an extreme, so that I can still live a healthy life.  I do count things, have strange thoughts pop into my head repeatedly, I do have extreme obsessions about organizing and cleanliness, and of course crossdressing compulsions.  However none of these things really affect my life very much in a negative way.  They are all controllable and I do not think I need any medication.  The only one that affected me much in the past was of course crossdressing and that one is under control even without medication.  But that is just me.  Perhaps for some of you counseling regarding OCD, or medication for OCD, could be helpful in treating your crossdressing?  That is, if there is truly a connection.

 

Here are some articles and excerpts from books that talk about the possible connection.  See what you think.

1.   Abstract – Paraphilic disorders among patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder: case series by Manuela Borges.

2.   Abstract – OCD and transvestism: is there a relationship?

3.   Pdf – Treatment of Transvestic Fetishism With Fluoxetine: A Case Report

This is about a patient who was strictly interested in crossdressing, and did not have gender dysphoria.  Different medications are discussed.

4.   Google Book Excerpt – Today’s Transgender Realities: Crossdressing in Context, Volume 2 by Bolich.

Hopefully the link works.  Go to page 149 in the book.  You can see that this author thinks the connection between crossdressing and OCD is uncertain.

5.    Google Book Excerpt – Cross Dressing, Sex, and Gender by Bullough.

For this book, go to page 352-358.  There are some possible medications discussed with reported successful treatment.

 

I also found this personal website in which the author discusses the relationship between crossdressing and OCD.

Here the author discusses the connection – The OCD/Depression GID Connection

And here – Practical Suggestions for those seeking Alternatives – the author discusses medication and claims to know more than one person who found help from such medications regarding their compulsive crossdressing.

 
 
For me I have found great change throughout my life in being less obsessive and compulsive than I used to be.  The symptoms I described about myself, I have been able to change and force myself to adapt and be less OCD.  And I’ve been able to overcome crossdressing.  There is hope for all of us.  But if you think it would be helpful for you to take medication, I suggest trying it, and don’t feel any shame any doing so.  If crossdressing is ruining your life, and you have been mostly unsuccessful stopping the behavior through the other ways I have suggested, it seems like it doesn’t hurt to try medication to see if that helps.

Any comments?