Guest Post – Kick Out the Monster

This guest post is written by Job, a first time author here at the blog.  Here is some information about the author – Job is a 32 years old web designer from México who surrendered to the Lord Jesus at the age of 29 after about 20 years of captivity in crossdressing, lust, and porn addiction.  Currently he serves the Lord at his church as praise minister, youth leader and deacon.  He is so thankful and impressed with what God did with him that he wants to help guide others to the only source of salvation, healing, peace and joy.

 
 

Kick Out the Monster – by Job

 
 

I used to think and feel that quitting crossdressing and pornography was impossible and I guess many of you might think this too and it is understandable. This is because we have been feeding the monster so much that seems impossible to defeat it, but if you stop feeding it, you will realize it wasn’t as strong as you thought. I will explain more in this post.
Imagine you have two dogs, one is good and the other is evil, and these dogs are fighting constantly.  Which dog is going to win the battle?  The stronger one will win, and that is the one being better fed. The thing is that you can only feed these dogs one at a time.  These dogs represent the spirit and the flesh.  Which one do you feed the most?

 

Crossdressing is fueled by lust, and both are sexual immorality.  They are desires of the flesh, which is represented by the evil dog. In my case, I started feeding it when I was 9 years old, which was when I started to wear women clothes.  In that time it seemed more like a pet, not an evil dog.  It did not seem difficult to take care of it, and it seemed harmless.  At that stage, we did not think of crossdressing as a risk.  We thought – “it’s okay, nothing is going to happen, it gives me pleasure and seems not to have consequences.”  Therefore we continue feeding it and feeding it.  In my case I fed it with pornographic images and videos, with lustful thoughts, by dressing in women clothes, masturbating, and other things.  After years of feeding it this pet becomes a huge monster.  Imagine the size of this monster after I fed it for 20 years!  How many years are in your case?  Now can you see why you feel unable to defeat it?

 

Maybe we did this by ignorance.  Nobody warned us about this.  In my case I felt so alone in these struggles, and I felt so misunderstood and confused.  The Bible says in Hosea 4:6 – “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.”

 

So knowledge is power and today I want you to be aware of the existence of this monster, and also that even though it is huge at this moment and seems to be impossible for you to defeat it, there is a way.  You need to stop feeding it so it gets weak enough for you to kick it and overthrow it.

 

Let me explain this monster in a practical way.  This monster represents all of that intoxication in your mind, all of those images, thoughts, memories and desires that are there recorded in your mind.  They are constantly emerging.  It’s like my computer that currently has a virus and is displaying annoying advertising pop ups unexpectedly.  So your mind is playing against you, tempting you all the time with these things.  You see a woman and then you relate her immediately with a porn scene you watched.  Then you walk close to a women’s clothing store and your mind recreates sensations you felt when you dressed, etc.  Your mind has created so many connections and everything seems to be related to crossdressing and lust.  Your mind is intoxicated, it has been fed with lots of lustful memories, and this is why your mind is like a big monster which is so difficult to defeat.  Maybe this gets even more scary because talking about the brain is very complex and since we don’t see it or fully understand it, we could feel trapped and hopeless.  We might think there is nothing we can do.  Maybe at this point you are lamenting all this damage you have done to your mind, but the good news is that this damage can be reverted.

 

The first thing you have to do is to repent, say sorry to the Lord, accept that you did wrong and that you don’t want this anymore.  Not only is God going to listen to this, but also the demons are going to lose the rights they had against you to keep you in captivity.  The grace of the Lord is enough to forgive us and justify us with the sacrifice of Jesus and He for sure is going to help us, but we need to put our trust in Him (Romans 10:9).  We do not need to fear demons. The Lord always wins the battles against them.  He is stronger and more intelligent and He gives us power over them.  The Bible declares in Jesus we are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37).  Now the question is, do you want to be free?   In case you do, you have to accept God’s terms, but don’t worry, his will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2).  We might not like it at the beginning because we have become used to our sins, but let’s trust in Him.  He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

 

If you have taken the decision to trust in the Lord, to surrender to him and to repent for the harmful and nasty lustful sins you have committed, then I will guide you through this prayer.  Say it loudly enough so that the demons will also hear that you now belong to the Lord Jesus.

 

“Lord Jesus I am so sorry for the damage I have done to my mind, to feed the monster of lust.  Now I recognize that I was wrong.  I sinned against you, against my body and against my family.  Please forgive me.  I know I don’t deserve it but I trust in your grace.  I trust in your mercy, and I rest in you.  I declare in the name of the Lord Jesus that I don’t want crossdressing in my life anymore, I don’t want porn, I don’t want lustful thoughts, I don’t want perversion.  I declare in the name of Jesus that the rights they had against me are canceled.  The doors I opened are closed and I accept to open the doors only to your Holy Spirit.  I want you to fill me.  I declare I want to be pure.  I want to be holy.  I want to be a healthy man, a manly man, a good husband, a good father, and a godly man.  I trust in your power.  I trust that you are going to restore me.  I will be patient because I understand that you have your methods and your ways of doing things.  In Jesus name, amen.”

 

Good, something is already happening in the spiritual world.  The angels are celebrating that you are now in Christ, and the fight against angels and demons has already started.  But in your life, there are still things you have to do.  You need to stop feeding the evil monster.  Remember that every image you watch, every lustful thought is going to be stored in your memory files.  If you stop feeding it, then over time it is going to get undernourished and therefore weak, but you have to be aware that this is going to take time, because after all how many years have you been feeding this monster?  It takes time for the mind to create new neural connections, to detoxify.  In the meantime you will have to deal with lots of emerging thoughts and memories but you have to be brave and resist.  Also accept the responsibility that this is the consequence of your errors and sin.  God forgives us but the consequences remain, so be patient, and be strong.  The more you resist and avoid feeding the monster, the faster the mind gets deintoxicated, and the faster you are going to get healed.  When the evil thoughts come to your mind, don’t dwell on them, but instead take them captive to the presence of the Lord and ask Him to destroy them (2 Corinthians 10:5).

 

Okay, now we need to feed the good dog.  We do this by reading the Scriptures, by reading books, and posts like the ones in this blog.  Remember again that knowledge is power.  Pray to the Lord, have times of intimacy with him, talk to him let him know how you feel, and also praise him, singing to him.  This not only pleases God but also reminds you who He is and helps you to be confident.  Music is such a powerful way to connect us with him.  Also, get other Christian brothers in order to get influenced by them, also have an accountability partner for you to share about your successes and failures.  Two are stronger than one. And think constantly about God’s Word and the values of the Lord.  Remember that you become what you think about the most.

 

This might take some time, so be patient.  It is not easy stuff but be faithful and don’t give up because everything is possible though Christ who strengthens us.
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Lessons for us from King David

In 2 Samuel chapters 11-12, we read the story of David committing adultery with Bathsheba.  And then, to cover up his sin, he found a way to have Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, killed.  Finally, God sends the prophet Nathan to challenge and rebuke David.  In the end, David is forgiven because of God’s amazing grace, though he still experiences some consequences for his sins.  There are a lot of good lessons for us in this story that apply to the sins that we struggle with such as crossdressing.  The most important lessons are at the bottom of the post, so be sure to read to the end.  Let me copy to you the passage first:

 

2 Samuel 11:1 – 12:14

11:1 In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king’s men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.
2 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” 4 Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Thena she went back home. 5 The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”
6 So David sent this word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent him to David. 7 When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. 8 Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” So Uriah left the palace, and a gift from the king was sent after him. 9 But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master’s servants and did not go down to his house.
10 When David was told, “Uriah did not go home,” he asked him, “Haven’t you just come from a distance? Why didn’t you go home?”
11 Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my master Joab and my lord’s men are camped in the open fields. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!”
12 Then David said to him, “Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. 13 At David’s invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master’s servants; he did not go home.
14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. 15 In it he wrote, “Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.”
16 So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. 17 When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David’s army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.
18 Joab sent David a full account of the battle. 19 He instructed the messenger: “When you have finished giving the king this account of the battle, 20 the king’s anger may flare up, and he may ask you, ‘Why did you get so close to the city to fight? Didn’t you know they would shoot arrows from the wall? 21 Who killed Abimelech son of Jerub-Beshethb? Didn’t a woman throw an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you get so close to the wall?’ If he asks you this, then say to him, ‘Also, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.’ ”
22 The messenger set out, and when he arrived he told David everything Joab had sent him to say. 23 The messenger said to David, “The men overpowered us and came out against us in the open, but we drove them back to the entrance to the city gate. 24 Then the archers shot arrows at your servants from the wall, and some of the king’s men died. Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.”
25 David told the messenger, “Say this to Joab: ‘Don’t let this upset you; the sword devours one as well as another. Press the attack against the city and destroy it.’ Say this to encourage Joab.”
26 When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27 After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the LORD.

12:1 The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. 2 The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, 3 but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.
4 “Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”
5 David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die! 6 He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”
7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. 8 I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. 9 Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. 10 Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’
11 “This is what the LORD says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. 12 You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’ ”
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”
Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt,a the son born to you will die.”

 

Lesson 1: When we are not using our time to do what we are supposed to be doing, we can make an opening for temptations to come our way.  King David was not doing what he was supposed to be doing.  As a King, he was to lead Israel in battle.  The passage itself subtlety critiques David, pointing out that he was sitting around at home when other Kings were off in war.  David was shirking his duties as king.  We don’t know if he was tired, or lazy, or just wanting the comforts of his palace.  But if he had been doing what he was supposed to be doing, he would not have experienced the temptation to commit adultery (or rape) Bathsheba.

I know in my own life, many of the times I have given in to crossdressing, it was because I was being lazy and avoiding work that I was supposed to be doing.  But during times of my life that I am working hard at my job, looking for opportunities to serve others, and doing the things that God has called me to do, the temptations that come are far fewer and much less potent.  When I’m busy doing the things God created me to do, it is far less likely that I will be distracted by temptation.  But I think back to times that I was being lazy, procrastinating, or just bored with nothing pressing, and those are often the times that I failed in the past.  Let us learn from this.  We should keep our focus on God, our work, and our families, and if we have very little work to do, we should look for ways to be productive with our time, reading books or serving others or helping the community.

 

Lesson 2: Don’t flirt with the idea of sin.  Don’t give it a second look.  Don’t ponder the idea of sinning.  Shut it down at the beginning. When David noticed Bathsheba, he should have shut down his lustful thoughts, not looked back, and left her alone.  But he wanted to ponder the idea.  What a terrible idea to send someone to find out more about her.  Perhaps he was hoping she was single and he could add her to his other wives, even though God had commanded Kings should not have many wives.  And when he found out that she was already married, the idea of being with her had already taken root and perhaps he had had sex with her in his mind several times already by the time the messenger came back.

I know for me, most of the times I ever failed with crossdressing in actual life, or crossdressing through fantasy on the computer, were times that I had never planned or intended to fail.  Instead, a thought came into mind, or I saw an article about crossdressing, and then instead of shutting down such thoughts, I let the ideas take root.  I clicked on the article knowing that it was a bad idea.  Or I did a seemingly harmless google search even though I knew where such searches often led.  30 minutes later it would no longer be harmless google searches, but crossdressing fiction sites.  We must shut down the thoughts and activities that are not sinful in of themselves, but which we know lead us to sin because of our weaknesses.  For some of us, there are certain news articles we just should not look at.  For some of us, we need to avoid google and youtube.  Know your triggers and avoid them.  Avoid the second look.

 

Lesson 3: Even God’s people are sinful.  We all know this, yet we often don’t really let this truth sink in.  All the people we sit with in the pews at our churches are sinful.  All of our respected government leaders are sinful.  And even all the people who preach to us every Sunday are sinful.  David was a man of God, who loved God and trusted Him, but he committed the terrible evil actions in this passage.  It would not be a stretch to call his actions rape and murder.  He, a man of God, was evil.  The Bible teaches this repeatedly.  Look at Solomon’s idolatry and polygamy.  Look at Gideon going from victory into idolatry.  Look at Peter going from following Jesus to denying him.  We do not all struggle with sexual sins, but we struggle with pride, addictions, selfish hearts, and we disobey many of God’s commands.  We will struggle with sin until Jesus returns and makes us new.  Because of this we should be careful in our judgments of other Christians saying that they aren’t true Christians.  It’s possible to be a true Christian and still struggle with sin.  Furthermore, when someone’s sin is discovered, we should be quick to have mercy knowing that we have our own secret sins.

The knowledge that David committed this great sins should give us strong warning.  If someone as great as King David, a man after God’s own heart, the man who killed Goliath through his strong faith in God, if he could commit such horrible sins, we can easily do so as well.  We must be on our guard.  Even though I can claim great victory in my life over crossdressing, I must remain vigilant.  Sin is still with me until Jesus returns or until I did and am with Jesus in Heaven.  I must be ready for temptations whenever they might come.

 

 

Lesson 4: Watch out for the slippery slope of sin.  I do not mean the slippery slope in the sense of the logical fallacy.  I mean that sin escalates.  Often when we commit one horrible sin, we keep committing even more sins to cover it up.  King David started with the sin of adultery.  But then he had to deal with the consequences.  He was desperate to protect his false public image.  In the end he had lied, he had tried to get Uriah to think the child of Bathsheba was his by manipulating Uriah to sin by getting drunk, he then had to get Uriah killed when that didn’t work, and in the process he involved another person, Joab, in his terrible sins, and got many other Israelite soldiers killed over his sin.  We see in 11:25 that David’s descent into sin has gone to such an extent that he did not even care about the lives of his lost soldiers.

I know from talking to many of you that a lot of us have committed some pretty awful sexual sins.  But let us learn from King David.  It is far better to stop our sin now, confess to others, and face the consequences, then to keep lying and trying to cover it up, only adding more sin to our lives.  How many crossdressers, instead of confessing to their wives about their problem, keep it covered up for years?  Then the wife founds out about it some day and instead of only having to deal with the sin of crossdressing, the wife has to deal with the broken trust of having a deceptive husband for years.  The emotional damage from these situations cannot be quantified.  Confess your sin now and face the consequences.  The only other alternative is facing the escalating nature of sin, adding sin to sin until things get out of control, and you cannot even separate your own lies from the truth.

 

 

Lesson 5: Sin can lead to painful consequences.  In the story, we can see how David’s sin not only hurt himself but destroyed the lives of many other people.  From chapter 12 we can see that even when David finally repented, he still had to face consequences for his sins of losing a child and having the sword never departing his house, that is having a family full of violence.  The rest of the book of 2 Samuel shows the horrible dysfunction and violence among David’s children.  It’s not clear if God actually caused these disasters for David, or just allowed David and his family to naturally experience the consequences of David’s sins and bad parenting.

For us, when we sin, we will also experience painful consequences.  Even if God does not directly punish someone for crossdressing, we face the natural consequences of not living rightly.  To obey God always brings freedom and joy, even when it is difficult.  To sin means to head towards physical death and spiritual death, to walk away from true life.  Sin always always hurts us, even if we want to convinces ourselves sometimes that it doesn’t.  It will bring pain in our soul, draw us further away from God, and hurt those around us.  Just take a look at the comments scattered around this blog and on the page for the wives of crossdressers.  The natural consequences of crossdressing addiction have included destroyed marriages, alienation from children, lost jobs, wasted time through addiction, gender confusion, mutilation of healthy bodies that was later regretted, and much more.

 

Lesson 6: WE CANNOT HIDE OUR SINS!  This to me is the most astounding and shocking lesson from this passage.  King David thought he could hide his sins, and he was actually successful or so he thought.  He was able to hide his sins from people.  But he could not hide his sins from God.  And since God is God, and can do whatever he wants, God has the ability to reveal our sins to other people, which is what God did.  God revealed David’s sin to Nathan so that he could challenge David.  In the end, David’s sin has become known to billions of people like us throughout history.

Most of the time as crossdressers or porn addicts, we think we are covering our tracks well.  We try to hide the clothes well.  We delete internet history.  But even so, people eventually find out.  It’s really really hard to hide everything.  I’ve written on this before – Fool! You will be caught!  We have little chance of keeping our addictions secret forever.  But if those natural ways of people finding out are not enough for you, ponder this, if God is real, he can reveal what you are doing to other people through his Holy Spirit, or through dreams or visions.  God has the same power today that he had when Nathan and David were around.  We CANNOT hide anything from God.  He always sees and always knows, and knows our deepest thoughts better than we know ourselves.

God can either orchestrate events in your life so that your sin will be found out naturally, or he can reveal the truth directly to someone. I view God doing this as an act of grace.  Rather than letting us destroy ourselves, he can reveal our secret to someone else so they can challenge us, wake us up from our fantasy lives, and help us to repent and change.  God will do what it takes to save us because he loves us.  He doesn’t want us to run away from him or destroy our lives in sin.

My challenge for you is to do what I did.  Don’t wait for God to reveal it to somebody else.  This is quite painful even if it’s necessary for God to rescue you.  But what you can do that is less painful, is to be the one to stop your sin and confess to someone now.  Repent, receive grace, and get help from other people to quit.  Don’t wait for your wife to catch you in the act.  Confess to her now, repent, and commit to getting help and working on your addiction.

And please for all of us, let’s remember that if God uses us to be a Nathan to someone else, that we should be firm on our stand against sin, but also be full of mercy and grace, just as we have received unimaginable mercy and grace from God through Christ.  When people confess and repent, acknowledge that they have done the only right thing they can do.  Forgive them and love them.  Point them to Christ.  Help them to put the sin in their life to death.  Encourage them and walk with them.

 

Lesson 7: God’s grace is amazing.  The song, Amazing Grace, is true.  God’s grace is amazing and full and beautiful and wonderful.  Look at all the atrocities that David committed and yet God still forgave him.  He had some painful trials to go through as a result of his sin, but he was forgiven, and he will be in Heaven with us.  Actually, I think that David was a man after God’s own heart, not because of his righteousness, but because he was repentant, and he trusted in God’s grace.  He was not perfect, by far, but he relied on God’s mercy and grace.  This is what true Christians do.  True Christians are not perfect, but they keep repenting, keep fighting against sin, and keep trusting in God’s mercy through Christ.

 

For those of you who have been living a life away from God, whether crossdressing or homosexuality or pornography or adultery or whatever you’ve done, there is grace for you, if only you repent and put your trust in Christ.  He lived a perfect life, the one that you did not live, and if you trust in him, his perfect life of righteousness will be counted as your own.  He took the punishment that we all deserve.  It’s time to repent.  It’s time to finally have joy and peace and forgiveness for your sins.  It’s time to experience the amazing love of God.  Repent and confess your sins.  Stop giving in.  Just stop.  It’s time to instead look to Jesus and experience abundant life.  No matter how much crap we have done in our past, if we come to Jesus and trust in him, all that will be wiped clean.  You can experience relationship with our God and live the life he has planned for you.

Walt Heyer’s Video Interview

Here is a video interview and partial testimony of Walt Heyer, a Christian man who went through sex-reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for many years, before coming back to living as a man again.  In the process of the interview, he answers a lot of interesting questions and gives a lot of helpful comments on transgenderism in general.  There is also a discussion about all the people in the LGBT community who are against him for his testimony and opinions.  The interviewer could be more sensitive and gracious to transsexuals in the way that he speaks, but it’s still worth a watch.

Guest Post – Sexaholics Anonymous / Sex Addicts Anonymous

By Alec

**Alec is a recovering crossdresser who attends Sexaholics Anonymous meetings in person, over the phone, face to face, and through an email discussion group.**

 

There are different groups for sex addicts.   There is also Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc.    Sexaholics Anonymous came about first though.  The excerpts I copied are from the “White Book” a 200 page booklet that was written by the group’s founder back in the 1970’s.  The author’s name is not listed.   Because this book was written four decades ago, it spends most of its time talking about strip clubs, sex partners and looking at pornography.  It was before crossdressing became a fad, before the LGBT movements, or other newer methods that are being used for lust and acting out, including crossdressing.

Most of the men in my meetings have a similar problem; they are alone, widowed, divorced, incapacitated, most are over the age of 50 and retired.  Most afflictions deal with pornography and strip clubs.  More than a few have been arrested for acting out in public.  Most are free to do as they please and temptation can make life difficult.  Well, you know the saying, “Idolatry is the Devil’s Workshop.”

 

I think it helps to have both the Christian and 12 Step viewpoints.  But you don’t want one without the other.  After much study and some prayer though, from the Sexaholics Anonymous perspective, crossdressing by and large of itself is not a sin but it is how one responds to it that gets one in trouble.  That is where the Bible comes in, with its scripture, telling us not to follow the ways of the world and to deny oneself.

 

As far as how Sexaholics Anonymous has helped me, it helped me control the acting out (the masturbating). I first got into the program in June 2015.  Things didn’t change for me overnight.  The natural thing was/is to rebel and lust and act out more.  I would say about 12 days into the program I stopped acting out, as I developed an understanding of lust. Also trying something new, something fresh-hearing new things for the first time made Sexaholics Anonymous interesting.  Each time I went to a meeting I was allowed to “share” about my addiction and my response to it, and we were brutally honest. (I heard men break down and cry several times).

 

It was the first time in my life I could share my embarrassment of being a crossdresser in front of a group of 20 men.  We shared for how long we have been sober. I found it best to say, “I’m sober today”, or “I am sober one day at a time.”   At the beginning of each meeting we give our names, say we are Sexaholics and state our length of sobriety, if we wish.  I would introduce myself as Alec, I am a sexaholic, I am addicted to being turned on by crossdressing and looking at transgender females.  If I am working any steps today, I will say I am working Step ______.

 

In the beginning I stayed sexually sober for a few days at a time, one time went for six weeks and my longest tenure was four and a half months.  Basically I didn’t touch myself for those lengths of times but I must have also controlled the lust, which is the thinking that leads to the acting out.

 

I grew more excited with it, meeting other men like myself and couldn’t wait for the next meeting.  In every share I had something new and fresh to say.

 

But something else happened.  As I began to share more and more, I began to analyze more and more and that lead to me over thinking.   I started to rationalize new reasons for my crossdressing.  I said to myself that addiction to crossdressing will go away if I surrender to it and just live the life because once I am out in public my fantasizing will become reality, I will have fulfilled an unmet desire and the sex addiction part of it will go away. I told myself I will sleep better at night too.

 

Shortly after that I quit going to meetings after I moved back in with my wife.  That immediately sobered me up and stopped me.  I moved to the country, away from the internet and went to church too.  From what I learned in the program I did not act out for almost 5 months.  Still though there was this burning desire to put this new hypotheses to the test, once I would be able to be alone again.

 

Last June it happened.  I was alone for almost two months. And upcoming was the local pride festival, including a separate day for Transgender people and a Trans march, with many activities at our local Transgender Resource Center, less than a mile from where I live.  All alone, close-by, all too convenient.   Over tempting.  The lust to get out of the closet was tearing me apart.

 

Even with all the Sexaholic Anonymous meetings going on, it was not enough to combat my stubbornness.  In the program we say, “It works when you work it because you’re worth it.”  Well, I wasn’t working it when I got out of the closet.  When I did, I found my hypotheses to be working – at least some.  As I got around real people and real situations I did quit masturbating.  That can be attributed to not wanting to do so and get myself arrested.  I did have, while being out in public, a tremendous hard on and when I get home I continued to have a “boner” for the rest of the day, and had continued insomnia.  Except for going out in public I had 14 anxiety attacks in a two and a half week period.

 

I paid the price too, my wife discovered photos I had taken from my time out in public which lead to horrible embarrassment and shame and I have not been out of the closet since and that was last September.  Following the online Sexaholics group has worked to control the lust.  Here I share below some text from the White Book for Sexaholics Anonymous. Pay particular attention to lust (bottom of this email) and how it applies to you:

 

I will begin by listing the 12 steps of Sexaholics Anonymous:
1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Need a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continue to take personal inventory and where we were wrong we admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and a practice these principles in all our affairs.
From page 202 in SA White Book:
What is a sexaholic and what is sexual sobriety?

 

We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with a sexaholic, or sex drunk, you can no longer tolerate and cannot stop.

 

     For the sexaholic, any form of sex with oneself or with Partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and sobriety includes Progressive victory over lust. These conclusions are forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy life, enjoying freedom we could otherwise never know.

 

     This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we have been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop the good night, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this.

 

LUST, THE FORCE BEHIND THE ADDICTION
What is so wrong with sex?

 

We hear this question often, and it was one of our favorite expressions of denial that we had a problem. We could ask similar questions for other addictions, the workaholic, for example. What’s so wrong with honest labour?  Or with compulsive overeating: What’s wrong with it?  We have to eat to live! What was the use of alcohol and drugs: what’s wrong with a little help to relax and escape? And finally, with the sexaholic: What’s so wrong with sex? It’s God-given! People asked similar questions about the use of television, movies, music, exedra. Usually those of us trying to rationalize our addictions are the ones coming up with these responses. When the questions are asked in such a manner, it is easy to see how we can be misled and sex, perhaps, carries the most confusion. We find it confusing and difficult, if not impossible, to see the physical manifestations of addiction has caused enough for surrender. Knowing we must stop, we go to Great Lengths to find reasons for quitting:

 

“I might get VD or the wife will leave me.”
“I’ll have a heart attack if I keep on eating like this.”
“I just know this weed will give me cancer sooner or later.”
“I’ll wind up with hypertension if I keep on working like this.”
“I’ll get cirrhosis of the liver and brain damage if I don’t stop drinking.”
“If I don’t unglue myself from this tube I’m going to turn myself into a vegetable.”

 

Such reasons are seldom enough to make the true addict stop because they deal only with external. The clue here is that we must differentiate between the physical action and the spiritual action (attitude) taking place at the same time in the same individual. Because he lives inside his attitudes, the individual doesn’t see them; he sees only the physical activity and thinks he’s feeling guilty for that. It is truly puzzling to him. Hence the confusion on the proper motivation for wanting to stop any given addiction. When we look only at the activity itself, most of those final sufficient motives to stop, but if we can see its spiritual consequences, this can help us despair of it sooner and surrender. That’s why we must look behind the physical to see what’s really at work in our sexaholism. But first, let’s take a look at lust, for it is this concept that serves as a bridge between the physical and the spiritual aspects of our sexaholism.

 

LUST

 

Why in Step One do we say we are powerless over lust instead of sex? Is not some form of sex what we are addicted to? Yes, we answer, but our problem is not simply sex, just as in compulsive overeating the problem is not simply food. Eating and sex are natural functions;  the real problem in both of these addictions seems to be what we call lust – an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires. When we try to use food or sex to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense, the natural becomes something totally different. Eating and sex bring us into a different dimension; they possess an unnatural spiritual component. The addiction is just to lust and not merely to the substance or physical act. Lust-that attitude itself-becomes the controlling factor in the addiction.

 

This may be why people exhibit lust in more than one area. Often, those of us addicted to substances or forms of behavior discover we are also addicted to negative attitudes and emotions.

 

I remember that when I came off lust, alcohol, and tranquilizers, resentment burst forth like a damn volcano. I remember thinking that controlling lust must be like trying to control a piece of jello; you press in here and it bulges out there. Or like trying to rout a gopher; you plug up one tunnel only to have the beast go to work in another.”

 

People having sex in the sense of some people are allergic to pollen, strawberries or cats, that we do become “allergic” to lust for food and sex. Misusing the natural instinct of sex for an unnatural use and over and over again increasingly sensitizes as to the association, until the simple thought it’s the compulsion. For the sexaholic, lust is toxic. This is why we need recovery, and not merely physical. This is so crucial.

 

WHAT IS LUST?  A personal point of view

 

It’s pretty tough to get a handle on it, but here’s what lust looks like in my life.  It’s a slave master that wants to control my sex for its own ends in its own way whenever it wants. And it’s like a mental-spiritual noise that distorts and perverts sex, much as a raucous radio interference distorts a lovely melody.

 

Lust is not sex, and it is not physical.  It seems to be a screen of self-indulgent fantasy separating me from reality – either the reality of my own person in sex with myself or the reality of my spouse.  It works the same way whether with a girlfriend, a prostitute, or my wife. It thus negates identity, either mine or the other person’s, and is anti-real, working against my own reality, working against me.

 

I can’t have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person doesn’t matter; she’s even in the way; she’s merely the sexual instrument.  And I can’t have true union within myself. That fantasy partner I’ve conjured up in my mind is really part of me!  With lust, the sex act is not the result of personal union; sex doesn’t flow from that union. Sex energized by lust makes true union impossible.

 

The nature of the lust-noise interference I superimpose over sex can be many things: memories, fantasies ranging from the erotic to revenge or even violence.  Or, it can be the mental image of a single fetish or of some other person. Seen in this light, lust can exist apart from sex.  Indeed, there are those who say they are obsessed with lust who can no longer have sex.  I see my lust as a force that apparently infuses and distorts my other instincts as well: eating, drinking, working, anger….I know I have a lust to resent; it seems as strong as sexual lust ever was.

 

In my experience, lust is not physical; it is not even strong sexual desire. It seems to be a spiritual force that distorts my instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, it seems to want to infect other areas as well. And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, including gender.  When energized by lust, my sexual fantasies or acting out can go in any direction, shaped by whatever I experience. Thus, the more I indulge in sexual lust, the less truly sexual I become.

 

Therefore, my basic problem as a recovering sexaholic is to live free from my lust. When I entertain it in any form, sooner or later it tries to express itself in every form.  And lust becomes the indicator of not only what I do, but what I am.  But there is great hope here. By surrendering lust and its acting out each time I’m tempted by it, and then experiencing God’s life-giving deliverance from its power, recovery and healing are taking place, and wholeness is being restored – true union within myself first, then with others and the Source of my life.

 

Lust is…
Not being able to say no
Constantly being in dangerous sexual situations
Turning my head as if sex-starved all the time
Attraction only to beautiful people
Erotic fantasies
Use of erotic media
Being addicted to the partner as I would be to a drug
Losing my identity in the partner
Obsession with the romantic-going for the “chemistry”
The desire to make the other person lust

 

Another Personal Perspective
Lust Kills –
Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me.
Captive to lust, I cannot be myself.
Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me.
Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust.
Lust is jealous; it wants to possess me.
Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself.
Lust makes sex impossible without lust.
Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love.
Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me.
Lust creates guilt – unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated.
Lust makes part of me want to die because I can’t bear what I’m doing to myself and my powerlessness over it.
Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward.
Lust is destructive to me and those around me.
Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me.  Lust kills me!

 

One more thing I will include from the Sexaholics Anonymous White Book is 20 questions from the introductory chapter.  Try replacing where you see the word sex, with “crossdressing” or “trans porn.”  You will see A LOT of relevance.
1.  Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
2.  That you’d be better off if you didn’t keep” giving in”?
3.  That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
4.  Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
5.  Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can’t cope?
6.  Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterward?
7.  Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
8.  Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
9.  Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
10.  Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
11.  Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?
12.  Do you feel the right relationship would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
13.  Do you have a destructive need -a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
14.  Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
15.  Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
16.  Do you lose time from work over it?
17.  Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
18.  Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
19.  Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
20.  Have you ever been arrested for a sexually related offense?

 

As you can see it talks a lot about sex partners, etc.  More than self-sex, crossdressing, which has to do with the time when this was written and back in the 1970s this would have been all that sex addiction would have been perceived to be about (a sex partner, watching XXX movies, porn, frequenting strip clubs, etc..). Hopefully a new edition of this book can be written someday soon.  But in the year and a half of being associated with Sexaholics Anonymous, I meet more and more crossdressers and trans people.

Starting the Year with Hopeful Testimonies

Happy new year!  May this be a year of freedom for you as you give up crossdressing and find wholeness and peace in accepting you really are, as God made you to be.  I figured the best way to start this new year would be to give you some testimonies to inspire you and give you hope, that change really can happen!

 

How I Found Freedom From Gender Confusion Part 1

How I Found Freedom From Gender Confusion Part 2

This quote really shows the dead-end of crossdressing, and of all harmful addictions.  It can never satisfy:

“Except… I just needed to do something about my leg hair—it was spoiling the effect of the stockings. And the armpit hair had to go. (Pro tip: don’t ever try to wax your own armpits.) And the chest hair too. So much hair to remove! And now I needed some makeup to cover my stubble. And a few more bras. And some fake boobs, to put in them. And some padded pants, to give a bit of shape to my backside. And how was I going to give myself a waist? And I never had enough dresses, and they never looked good enough on me, and somehow I was struggling more than ever. The holy grail of acceptance had simply led me deeper into a trap. I’d embraced my desire, but it remained as unfulfillable as ever, and its demands were getting bigger every day.”

Another good quote – “I learned that sin promises freedom and brings only slavery—which seemed oddly familiar… And on it went. I thought my identity was rooted in how I looked or felt or dressed, but I learned that my identity was in Christ. I thought that exile was having to dress as a woman behind closed curtains, but I learned that all Christians are exiles and strangers in this life. I had thought that God didn’t want me to struggle, but I learned about spiritual warfare, I learned about the point of suffering, I learned about the freedom that comes from denying ourselves and taking up our cross. I learned that being a Christian requires repentance and change.”

 

Decisions about Gender Dysphoria – The Power of Choice – This was a really interesting testimony with some very worthwhile ideas in it.  Unfortunately, this testimony is from the Mormon Church, which I happen to believe is a false church.  It’s still good to read, especially since so few crossdressers believe it is possible to give up crossdressing.  But I do have some serious issues with Mormon doctrine, and we have very different views about who Jesus is.  But I don’t want to take time to argue about that right now (and I do think there are those within the Mormon church that might truly know Jesus, despite the false teachings of that institution as a whole).  I think the easiest way to give up crossdressing is through having a true relationship with Jesus Christ.  But even religious people that I disagree with can still give it up such as Nick who wrote this testimony, and even those with no faith at all, are still able to give it up.

Part of this testimony makes me sad.  So much of it is about doing what God commands in order to be sure of eternal life.  Eternal life is a gift of grace through Jesus Christ, not something we earn through good works.  We do good works as a result of our free gift of salvation, we don’t do them out of fear trying to make sure we’ve been good enough.

Here are a couple helpful quotes though which can give all of us some good advice:

I also learned I do not have to think in gender binary. Treating all actions, desires, and hobbies as masculine or feminine is a great source of stress. I do not have to think of gender at all for these things. I choose to define myself as Nick. I have many interests and desire to learn a variety of new skills. I do not care if they are considered masculine or feminine. They are what I like and I would do them if I were male or female. The qualities that make up who I am, I own. I do not let narrow social gender constructs determine my pursuits.

I have also found that gratitude is a great balancer of dysphoric distress. Instead of focusing on the body and life I do not have I think on the things I have been given. I have a good, healthy body with which I can serve God and my fellow man. This may not be the body I want, but I treat it with respect and maintain it because I want to be attractive and show gratitude. I am grateful for the family, friends, and opportunities I have been given. I do not need to focus on the things I do not have.”

Freud on Crossdressing

Merry Christmas everyone!  This is an unusual post to do right before Christmas, but it’s what I had ready to go.  Sorry about that.  For an inspirational post about Christmas, see this one from last year – Christmas Meditation.

 

On to the subject matter of this post.  I remember when I first explored the issue of crossdressing on the internet when I was young, one of the first things I found was a website talking about Freud’s view of crossdressing, the “sexual inversion hypothesis.”  While Freud had a lot of crazy and strange views, and I surely disagree with him on many, if not most, psychological matters, I do think there is some merit to his idea here.  Maybe not the whole idea as he has packaged it, but at least the central point, which is that the man’s sexual desire for women is somehow diverted, or inverted, so that he desires himself dressed as a woman, instead of a real woman.  Even as a youth addicted to crossdressing, this idea made perfect sense to me and fit my situation.  Today, I still think it describes the situation well of many, (but not all), crossdressers today.  I say so not because of scientific evidence, but based on my experience and the stories of most other crossdressers I have ever read.

Here is an article that explains Freud’s view on this.  It is a very interesting read.  “Freud’s Sexual Inversion Hypothesis and Crossdressing.”

Where I disagree with Freud is how this condition is caused.  He argued that it could be due to thinks like incestual thoughts towards a mother, or problems with the relationship with our mothers in general.  I don’t think any of that makes sense.  However, the third class of causes, “facilitating experiences,” would actually fit a bit with my own story.

Why am I posting about Freud at all?  Because on this blog I like to link to and reference many different views and articles on crossdressing, so that all of us can read the information that is out there, and continue to wrestle, struggle, wonder about, and think through our crossdressing issues.  One of the best ways to understand an issue is to read about it from many different perspectives, even perspectives as strange as Freud’s.  But like I said, I think his idea has at least some truth in it.  The basic idea that we are sexually attracted to ourselves as women is something I’ve repeatedly blogged about.

I’ll list some quotes from the above website for those who might not have time to read the whole thing.  Quotations:

With respect to crossdressing, the idea is that the sexual feelings a male would ordinarily direct towards women, are, in the crossdresser, diverted. They become instead directed towards female clothing, or towards the crossdresser himself as an imagined female.Sexual feelings must be understood to encompass a variety of distinct sensations and emotions, including:

  • the giddiness or high that a man feels when attracted to a woman
  • soft, tactile gratifications of holding and touching
  • sexual arousal
  • stimulation of erogenous zones
  • release of sexual tension with orgasm

In the “normal” male, these sensations and feelings are elicited in various phases of courtship and mating with a female, and to some degree also in other relationships with women.  Inversion implies that for some reason, the normal process is not followed, such that the man chooses to experience some or all of these types of pleasurable feelings by himself.  As evidence that something like this is going on, consider the prominence that mirrors have in the life of the crossdresser. Indeed, one wonders whether, if there were no mirrors or cameras, there would even be crossdressing.  The crossdresser sees in the mirror a reasonable facsimile of a woman. Many of the same cues that a man finds sexually attractive in a woman are in that image–the clothes, makeup, hair, nuances of expression, etc. It seems fairly clear that a crossdresser obtains sexual enjoyment (by the broad definition of ‘sexual’ above) from his own image.  The basic concept of inversion is thus simple enough–the man chooses to display the attractive features of women, and to enjoy those, rather than to enjoy these features as present in an actual women.”

 

A main implication is that crossdressing of this kind is not an ideal state (note: all comments here only apply to inversion-caused crossdressing). It is a misdirection of sexual energies from their original purpose. It might be too strong to call it “pathological.” But the theory does imply that crossdressing impairs self-actualization. Crossdressing risks violating the organic integrity of the male. It affects the unity of his essence. Part of him is still committed to women and to finding higher levels of fulfillment through his love of women. But the crossdressing diverts energy from this. By not adequately investing his sexual urges in women, his relationships with women potentially do not become as deep and fulfilling as they might otherwise become.

Like all neurotic or defensive behavior, there is an inherent paradox with such crossdressing. It is a “good” strategy short-term, but not long-term. For any given day or week, crossdressing provides pleasure and escape from anxiety. But what are the consequences, what opportunities lost by following the strategy for 10 years, 20 years or more?

The crossdresser basically experiences a highly refined version of infantile sexuality. It is highly fantasy laden, and extremely narcissistic. Some would argue that the very purpose of erotic pleasure is to tie us more deeply to other people. Yet in the crossdresser the pursuit of sexual pleasure tends to have the opposite effect of driving him away from people and into himself.”

Guest Post – Paul’s Testimony

Thorin has recently written a blog about what a long journey it is to find healing from crossdressing. It is! Like all addictions, CD has a stronghold on us and it takes time to break free. As believers in Christ we don’t do this on our own. In fact we can’t. We need Christ to break the power of sin in us and to sanctify us. That doesn’t mean we do nothing. We make use of the means of grace, Bible reading, prayer, fellowship with other believers, the Lord’s Supper. As we make use of these means of grace so we know Christ’s grace in our lives.

For me it has been a long journey. My crossdressing started as a very young boy when I had to share a bedroom with my sister. I was probably eight or nine years old and would try on her dresses. During my teens CD became a big part of my life and I would look for every opportunity to try on my mum’s clothes. Getting married opened up more freedom to explore. It was during this time that more and more cords of CD tightened their grip on me.

About four years ago (2012) the desires to dress were so strong that I knew I needed to get help. Just dressing up had lost it’s fascination and in order to get a ‘buzz’ I was taking more and more risks. Those risks put me in a position where I had to tell my wife.

I didn’t tell her the extent of my CD and she still doesn’t know how far I went. She just knows that this has been a problem for me. That day I hurt her. That day I caused her to question her own femininity and whether she had been a good wife. If I could wind the clock back to when I was a young boy I wouldn’t ever have started so that I wouldn’t have needed to cause the woman I love the hurt I did.

As a result of that day I began searching for help online. I knew that was risky because whenever I had searched for help on this subject, I only ever found everything that is so unhelpful. But I asked the Lord to direct me and one of the first sites I came across was healingcd.wordpress.com. As I read the articles I began to see that there was hope to be free of, what I am convinced of, is a sin before a holy God.

The last four years have been a struggle but by God’s grace I have come to a much better place. The desires haven’t gone away and there have been times when I have still fallen into sin. Those times have left me feeling ashamed and perversely and sadly have often fueled the desire to do it again. But gradually things have started to change for me.

That was highlighted in a recent fall. I tried on one item of clothing. Four years ago that wouldn’t have had any effect on me. The only way I got turned on was by completely dressing up. I only ever felt shame when I had gone ‘all the way.’ However, in this recent failure, one item of clothing for a few minutes, I felt so ashamed, so empty, so wretched. As always the Lord came with the assurance of his redeeming grace and the knowledge that his righteousness is the only covering I need to stand before a holy God.

It was reflecting on this that I have realised that God is doing a work in me. Although I feel that there are still cords around me they are fewer and have less of a hold on me.

I’m sharing this with you to encourage you to keep on fighting this. Don’t give up. If we sow thoughts and deeds in the field of the flesh (CD in my case) then it is from that field we will reap corruption. Our lives will be rotten and we will stink. We won’t be the fragrance of Christ. But, if we sow thoughts and deeds in the field of the spirit (using the means of grace) we will from the field of the spirit reap eternal life. We will enjoy fellowship with Christ both now and forever.