Kick Out the Monster – by Job
In 2 Samuel chapters 11-12, we read the story of David committing adultery with Bathsheba. And then, to cover up his sin, he found a way to have Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, killed. Finally, God sends the prophet Nathan to challenge and rebuke David. In the end, David is forgiven because of God’s amazing grace, though he still experiences some consequences for his sins. There are a lot of good lessons for us in this story that apply to the sins that we struggle with such as crossdressing. The most important lessons are at the bottom of the post, so be sure to read to the end. Let me copy to you the passage first:
2 Samuel 11:1 – 12:14
11:1 In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king’s men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.
2 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” 4 Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Thena she went back home. 5 The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”
6 So David sent this word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent him to David. 7 When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. 8 Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” So Uriah left the palace, and a gift from the king was sent after him. 9 But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master’s servants and did not go down to his house.
10 When David was told, “Uriah did not go home,” he asked him, “Haven’t you just come from a distance? Why didn’t you go home?”
11 Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my master Joab and my lord’s men are camped in the open fields. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!”
12 Then David said to him, “Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. 13 At David’s invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master’s servants; he did not go home.
14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. 15 In it he wrote, “Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.”
16 So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. 17 When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David’s army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.
18 Joab sent David a full account of the battle. 19 He instructed the messenger: “When you have finished giving the king this account of the battle, 20 the king’s anger may flare up, and he may ask you, ‘Why did you get so close to the city to fight? Didn’t you know they would shoot arrows from the wall? 21 Who killed Abimelech son of Jerub-Beshethb? Didn’t a woman throw an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you get so close to the wall?’ If he asks you this, then say to him, ‘Also, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.’ ”
22 The messenger set out, and when he arrived he told David everything Joab had sent him to say. 23 The messenger said to David, “The men overpowered us and came out against us in the open, but we drove them back to the entrance to the city gate. 24 Then the archers shot arrows at your servants from the wall, and some of the king’s men died. Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.”
25 David told the messenger, “Say this to Joab: ‘Don’t let this upset you; the sword devours one as well as another. Press the attack against the city and destroy it.’ Say this to encourage Joab.”
26 When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27 After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the LORD.
12:1 The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. 2 The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, 3 but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.
4 “Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”
5 David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die! 6 He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”
7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. 8 I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. 9 Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. 10 Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’
11 “This is what the LORD says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. 12 You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’ ”
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”
Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt,a the son born to you will die.”
Lesson 1: When we are not using our time to do what we are supposed to be doing, we can make an opening for temptations to come our way. King David was not doing what he was supposed to be doing. As a King, he was to lead Israel in battle. The passage itself subtlety critiques David, pointing out that he was sitting around at home when other Kings were off in war. David was shirking his duties as king. We don’t know if he was tired, or lazy, or just wanting the comforts of his palace. But if he had been doing what he was supposed to be doing, he would not have experienced the temptation to commit adultery (or rape) Bathsheba.
I know in my own life, many of the times I have given in to crossdressing, it was because I was being lazy and avoiding work that I was supposed to be doing. But during times of my life that I am working hard at my job, looking for opportunities to serve others, and doing the things that God has called me to do, the temptations that come are far fewer and much less potent. When I’m busy doing the things God created me to do, it is far less likely that I will be distracted by temptation. But I think back to times that I was being lazy, procrastinating, or just bored with nothing pressing, and those are often the times that I failed in the past. Let us learn from this. We should keep our focus on God, our work, and our families, and if we have very little work to do, we should look for ways to be productive with our time, reading books or serving others or helping the community.
Lesson 2: Don’t flirt with the idea of sin. Don’t give it a second look. Don’t ponder the idea of sinning. Shut it down at the beginning. When David noticed Bathsheba, he should have shut down his lustful thoughts, not looked back, and left her alone. But he wanted to ponder the idea. What a terrible idea to send someone to find out more about her. Perhaps he was hoping she was single and he could add her to his other wives, even though God had commanded Kings should not have many wives. And when he found out that she was already married, the idea of being with her had already taken root and perhaps he had had sex with her in his mind several times already by the time the messenger came back.
I know for me, most of the times I ever failed with crossdressing in actual life, or crossdressing through fantasy on the computer, were times that I had never planned or intended to fail. Instead, a thought came into mind, or I saw an article about crossdressing, and then instead of shutting down such thoughts, I let the ideas take root. I clicked on the article knowing that it was a bad idea. Or I did a seemingly harmless google search even though I knew where such searches often led. 30 minutes later it would no longer be harmless google searches, but crossdressing fiction sites. We must shut down the thoughts and activities that are not sinful in of themselves, but which we know lead us to sin because of our weaknesses. For some of us, there are certain news articles we just should not look at. For some of us, we need to avoid google and youtube. Know your triggers and avoid them. Avoid the second look.
Lesson 3: Even God’s people are sinful. We all know this, yet we often don’t really let this truth sink in. All the people we sit with in the pews at our churches are sinful. All of our respected government leaders are sinful. And even all the people who preach to us every Sunday are sinful. David was a man of God, who loved God and trusted Him, but he committed the terrible evil actions in this passage. It would not be a stretch to call his actions rape and murder. He, a man of God, was evil. The Bible teaches this repeatedly. Look at Solomon’s idolatry and polygamy. Look at Gideon going from victory into idolatry. Look at Peter going from following Jesus to denying him. We do not all struggle with sexual sins, but we struggle with pride, addictions, selfish hearts, and we disobey many of God’s commands. We will struggle with sin until Jesus returns and makes us new. Because of this we should be careful in our judgments of other Christians saying that they aren’t true Christians. It’s possible to be a true Christian and still struggle with sin. Furthermore, when someone’s sin is discovered, we should be quick to have mercy knowing that we have our own secret sins.
The knowledge that David committed this great sins should give us strong warning. If someone as great as King David, a man after God’s own heart, the man who killed Goliath through his strong faith in God, if he could commit such horrible sins, we can easily do so as well. We must be on our guard. Even though I can claim great victory in my life over crossdressing, I must remain vigilant. Sin is still with me until Jesus returns or until I did and am with Jesus in Heaven. I must be ready for temptations whenever they might come.
Lesson 4: Watch out for the slippery slope of sin. I do not mean the slippery slope in the sense of the logical fallacy. I mean that sin escalates. Often when we commit one horrible sin, we keep committing even more sins to cover it up. King David started with the sin of adultery. But then he had to deal with the consequences. He was desperate to protect his false public image. In the end he had lied, he had tried to get Uriah to think the child of Bathsheba was his by manipulating Uriah to sin by getting drunk, he then had to get Uriah killed when that didn’t work, and in the process he involved another person, Joab, in his terrible sins, and got many other Israelite soldiers killed over his sin. We see in 11:25 that David’s descent into sin has gone to such an extent that he did not even care about the lives of his lost soldiers.
I know from talking to many of you that a lot of us have committed some pretty awful sexual sins. But let us learn from King David. It is far better to stop our sin now, confess to others, and face the consequences, then to keep lying and trying to cover it up, only adding more sin to our lives. How many crossdressers, instead of confessing to their wives about their problem, keep it covered up for years? Then the wife founds out about it some day and instead of only having to deal with the sin of crossdressing, the wife has to deal with the broken trust of having a deceptive husband for years. The emotional damage from these situations cannot be quantified. Confess your sin now and face the consequences. The only other alternative is facing the escalating nature of sin, adding sin to sin until things get out of control, and you cannot even separate your own lies from the truth.
Lesson 5: Sin can lead to painful consequences. In the story, we can see how David’s sin not only hurt himself but destroyed the lives of many other people. From chapter 12 we can see that even when David finally repented, he still had to face consequences for his sins of losing a child and having the sword never departing his house, that is having a family full of violence. The rest of the book of 2 Samuel shows the horrible dysfunction and violence among David’s children. It’s not clear if God actually caused these disasters for David, or just allowed David and his family to naturally experience the consequences of David’s sins and bad parenting.
For us, when we sin, we will also experience painful consequences. Even if God does not directly punish someone for crossdressing, we face the natural consequences of not living rightly. To obey God always brings freedom and joy, even when it is difficult. To sin means to head towards physical death and spiritual death, to walk away from true life. Sin always always hurts us, even if we want to convinces ourselves sometimes that it doesn’t. It will bring pain in our soul, draw us further away from God, and hurt those around us. Just take a look at the comments scattered around this blog and on the page for the wives of crossdressers. The natural consequences of crossdressing addiction have included destroyed marriages, alienation from children, lost jobs, wasted time through addiction, gender confusion, mutilation of healthy bodies that was later regretted, and much more.
Lesson 6: WE CANNOT HIDE OUR SINS! This to me is the most astounding and shocking lesson from this passage. King David thought he could hide his sins, and he was actually successful or so he thought. He was able to hide his sins from people. But he could not hide his sins from God. And since God is God, and can do whatever he wants, God has the ability to reveal our sins to other people, which is what God did. God revealed David’s sin to Nathan so that he could challenge David. In the end, David’s sin has become known to billions of people like us throughout history.
Most of the time as crossdressers or porn addicts, we think we are covering our tracks well. We try to hide the clothes well. We delete internet history. But even so, people eventually find out. It’s really really hard to hide everything. I’ve written on this before – Fool! You will be caught! We have little chance of keeping our addictions secret forever. But if those natural ways of people finding out are not enough for you, ponder this, if God is real, he can reveal what you are doing to other people through his Holy Spirit, or through dreams or visions. God has the same power today that he had when Nathan and David were around. We CANNOT hide anything from God. He always sees and always knows, and knows our deepest thoughts better than we know ourselves.
God can either orchestrate events in your life so that your sin will be found out naturally, or he can reveal the truth directly to someone. I view God doing this as an act of grace. Rather than letting us destroy ourselves, he can reveal our secret to someone else so they can challenge us, wake us up from our fantasy lives, and help us to repent and change. God will do what it takes to save us because he loves us. He doesn’t want us to run away from him or destroy our lives in sin.
My challenge for you is to do what I did. Don’t wait for God to reveal it to somebody else. This is quite painful even if it’s necessary for God to rescue you. But what you can do that is less painful, is to be the one to stop your sin and confess to someone now. Repent, receive grace, and get help from other people to quit. Don’t wait for your wife to catch you in the act. Confess to her now, repent, and commit to getting help and working on your addiction.
And please for all of us, let’s remember that if God uses us to be a Nathan to someone else, that we should be firm on our stand against sin, but also be full of mercy and grace, just as we have received unimaginable mercy and grace from God through Christ. When people confess and repent, acknowledge that they have done the only right thing they can do. Forgive them and love them. Point them to Christ. Help them to put the sin in their life to death. Encourage them and walk with them.
Lesson 7: God’s grace is amazing. The song, Amazing Grace, is true. God’s grace is amazing and full and beautiful and wonderful. Look at all the atrocities that David committed and yet God still forgave him. He had some painful trials to go through as a result of his sin, but he was forgiven, and he will be in Heaven with us. Actually, I think that David was a man after God’s own heart, not because of his righteousness, but because he was repentant, and he trusted in God’s grace. He was not perfect, by far, but he relied on God’s mercy and grace. This is what true Christians do. True Christians are not perfect, but they keep repenting, keep fighting against sin, and keep trusting in God’s mercy through Christ.
For those of you who have been living a life away from God, whether crossdressing or homosexuality or pornography or adultery or whatever you’ve done, there is grace for you, if only you repent and put your trust in Christ. He lived a perfect life, the one that you did not live, and if you trust in him, his perfect life of righteousness will be counted as your own. He took the punishment that we all deserve. It’s time to repent. It’s time to finally have joy and peace and forgiveness for your sins. It’s time to experience the amazing love of God. Repent and confess your sins. Stop giving in. Just stop. It’s time to instead look to Jesus and experience abundant life. No matter how much crap we have done in our past, if we come to Jesus and trust in him, all that will be wiped clean. You can experience relationship with our God and live the life he has planned for you.
Here is a video interview and partial testimony of Walt Heyer, a Christian man who went through sex-reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for many years, before coming back to living as a man again. In the process of the interview, he answers a lot of interesting questions and gives a lot of helpful comments on transgenderism in general. There is also a discussion about all the people in the LGBT community who are against him for his testimony and opinions. The interviewer could be more sensitive and gracious to transsexuals in the way that he speaks, but it’s still worth a watch.
**Alec is a recovering crossdresser who attends Sexaholics Anonymous meetings in person, over the phone, face to face, and through an email discussion group.**
There are different groups for sex addicts. There is also Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc. Sexaholics Anonymous came about first though. The excerpts I copied are from the “White Book” a 200 page booklet that was written by the group’s founder back in the 1970’s. The author’s name is not listed. Because this book was written four decades ago, it spends most of its time talking about strip clubs, sex partners and looking at pornography. It was before crossdressing became a fad, before the LGBT movements, or other newer methods that are being used for lust and acting out, including crossdressing.
Happy new year! May this be a year of freedom for you as you give up crossdressing and find wholeness and peace in accepting you really are, as God made you to be. I figured the best way to start this new year would be to give you some testimonies to inspire you and give you hope, that change really can happen!
This quote really shows the dead-end of crossdressing, and of all harmful addictions. It can never satisfy:
“Except… I just needed to do something about my leg hair—it was spoiling the effect of the stockings. And the armpit hair had to go. (Pro tip: don’t ever try to wax your own armpits.) And the chest hair too. So much hair to remove! And now I needed some makeup to cover my stubble. And a few more bras. And some fake boobs, to put in them. And some padded pants, to give a bit of shape to my backside. And how was I going to give myself a waist? And I never had enough dresses, and they never looked good enough on me, and somehow I was struggling more than ever. The holy grail of acceptance had simply led me deeper into a trap. I’d embraced my desire, but it remained as unfulfillable as ever, and its demands were getting bigger every day.”
Another good quote – “I learned that sin promises freedom and brings only slavery—which seemed oddly familiar… And on it went. I thought my identity was rooted in how I looked or felt or dressed, but I learned that my identity was in Christ. I thought that exile was having to dress as a woman behind closed curtains, but I learned that all Christians are exiles and strangers in this life. I had thought that God didn’t want me to struggle, but I learned about spiritual warfare, I learned about the point of suffering, I learned about the freedom that comes from denying ourselves and taking up our cross. I learned that being a Christian requires repentance and change.”
Decisions about Gender Dysphoria – The Power of Choice – This was a really interesting testimony with some very worthwhile ideas in it. Unfortunately, this testimony is from the Mormon Church, which I happen to believe is a false church. It’s still good to read, especially since so few crossdressers believe it is possible to give up crossdressing. But I do have some serious issues with Mormon doctrine, and we have very different views about who Jesus is. But I don’t want to take time to argue about that right now (and I do think there are those within the Mormon church that might truly know Jesus, despite the false teachings of that institution as a whole). I think the easiest way to give up crossdressing is through having a true relationship with Jesus Christ. But even religious people that I disagree with can still give it up such as Nick who wrote this testimony, and even those with no faith at all, are still able to give it up.
Part of this testimony makes me sad. So much of it is about doing what God commands in order to be sure of eternal life. Eternal life is a gift of grace through Jesus Christ, not something we earn through good works. We do good works as a result of our free gift of salvation, we don’t do them out of fear trying to make sure we’ve been good enough.
Here are a couple helpful quotes though which can give all of us some good advice:
“I also learned I do not have to think in gender binary. Treating all actions, desires, and hobbies as masculine or feminine is a great source of stress. I do not have to think of gender at all for these things. I choose to define myself as Nick. I have many interests and desire to learn a variety of new skills. I do not care if they are considered masculine or feminine. They are what I like and I would do them if I were male or female. The qualities that make up who I am, I own. I do not let narrow social gender constructs determine my pursuits.
I have also found that gratitude is a great balancer of dysphoric distress. Instead of focusing on the body and life I do not have I think on the things I have been given. I have a good, healthy body with which I can serve God and my fellow man. This may not be the body I want, but I treat it with respect and maintain it because I want to be attractive and show gratitude. I am grateful for the family, friends, and opportunities I have been given. I do not need to focus on the things I do not have.”
Merry Christmas everyone! This is an unusual post to do right before Christmas, but it’s what I had ready to go. Sorry about that. For an inspirational post about Christmas, see this one from last year – Christmas Meditation.
On to the subject matter of this post. I remember when I first explored the issue of crossdressing on the internet when I was young, one of the first things I found was a website talking about Freud’s view of crossdressing, the “sexual inversion hypothesis.” While Freud had a lot of crazy and strange views, and I surely disagree with him on many, if not most, psychological matters, I do think there is some merit to his idea here. Maybe not the whole idea as he has packaged it, but at least the central point, which is that the man’s sexual desire for women is somehow diverted, or inverted, so that he desires himself dressed as a woman, instead of a real woman. Even as a youth addicted to crossdressing, this idea made perfect sense to me and fit my situation. Today, I still think it describes the situation well of many, (but not all), crossdressers today. I say so not because of scientific evidence, but based on my experience and the stories of most other crossdressers I have ever read.
Here is an article that explains Freud’s view on this. It is a very interesting read. “Freud’s Sexual Inversion Hypothesis and Crossdressing.”
Where I disagree with Freud is how this condition is caused. He argued that it could be due to thinks like incestual thoughts towards a mother, or problems with the relationship with our mothers in general. I don’t think any of that makes sense. However, the third class of causes, “facilitating experiences,” would actually fit a bit with my own story.
Why am I posting about Freud at all? Because on this blog I like to link to and reference many different views and articles on crossdressing, so that all of us can read the information that is out there, and continue to wrestle, struggle, wonder about, and think through our crossdressing issues. One of the best ways to understand an issue is to read about it from many different perspectives, even perspectives as strange as Freud’s. But like I said, I think his idea has at least some truth in it. The basic idea that we are sexually attracted to ourselves as women is something I’ve repeatedly blogged about.
I’ll list some quotes from the above website for those who might not have time to read the whole thing. Quotations:
“With respect to crossdressing, the idea is that the sexual feelings a male would ordinarily direct towards women, are, in the crossdresser, diverted. They become instead directed towards female clothing, or towards the crossdresser himself as an imagined female.Sexual feelings must be understood to encompass a variety of distinct sensations and emotions, including:
In the “normal” male, these sensations and feelings are elicited in various phases of courtship and mating with a female, and to some degree also in other relationships with women. Inversion implies that for some reason, the normal process is not followed, such that the man chooses to experience some or all of these types of pleasurable feelings by himself. As evidence that something like this is going on, consider the prominence that mirrors have in the life of the crossdresser. Indeed, one wonders whether, if there were no mirrors or cameras, there would even be crossdressing. The crossdresser sees in the mirror a reasonable facsimile of a woman. Many of the same cues that a man finds sexually attractive in a woman are in that image–the clothes, makeup, hair, nuances of expression, etc. It seems fairly clear that a crossdresser obtains sexual enjoyment (by the broad definition of ‘sexual’ above) from his own image. The basic concept of inversion is thus simple enough–the man chooses to display the attractive features of women, and to enjoy those, rather than to enjoy these features as present in an actual women.”
“A main implication is that crossdressing of this kind is not an ideal state (note: all comments here only apply to inversion-caused crossdressing). It is a misdirection of sexual energies from their original purpose. It might be too strong to call it “pathological.” But the theory does imply that crossdressing impairs self-actualization. Crossdressing risks violating the organic integrity of the male. It affects the unity of his essence. Part of him is still committed to women and to finding higher levels of fulfillment through his love of women. But the crossdressing diverts energy from this. By not adequately investing his sexual urges in women, his relationships with women potentially do not become as deep and fulfilling as they might otherwise become.
Like all neurotic or defensive behavior, there is an inherent paradox with such crossdressing. It is a “good” strategy short-term, but not long-term. For any given day or week, crossdressing provides pleasure and escape from anxiety. But what are the consequences, what opportunities lost by following the strategy for 10 years, 20 years or more?
The crossdresser basically experiences a highly refined version of infantile sexuality. It is highly fantasy laden, and extremely narcissistic. Some would argue that the very purpose of erotic pleasure is to tie us more deeply to other people. Yet in the crossdresser the pursuit of sexual pleasure tends to have the opposite effect of driving him away from people and into himself.”
Thorin has recently written a blog about what a long journey it is to find healing from crossdressing. It is! Like all addictions, CD has a stronghold on us and it takes time to break free. As believers in Christ we don’t do this on our own. In fact we can’t. We need Christ to break the power of sin in us and to sanctify us. That doesn’t mean we do nothing. We make use of the means of grace, Bible reading, prayer, fellowship with other believers, the Lord’s Supper. As we make use of these means of grace so we know Christ’s grace in our lives.
For me it has been a long journey. My crossdressing started as a very young boy when I had to share a bedroom with my sister. I was probably eight or nine years old and would try on her dresses. During my teens CD became a big part of my life and I would look for every opportunity to try on my mum’s clothes. Getting married opened up more freedom to explore. It was during this time that more and more cords of CD tightened their grip on me.
About four years ago (2012) the desires to dress were so strong that I knew I needed to get help. Just dressing up had lost it’s fascination and in order to get a ‘buzz’ I was taking more and more risks. Those risks put me in a position where I had to tell my wife.
I didn’t tell her the extent of my CD and she still doesn’t know how far I went. She just knows that this has been a problem for me. That day I hurt her. That day I caused her to question her own femininity and whether she had been a good wife. If I could wind the clock back to when I was a young boy I wouldn’t ever have started so that I wouldn’t have needed to cause the woman I love the hurt I did.
As a result of that day I began searching for help online. I knew that was risky because whenever I had searched for help on this subject, I only ever found everything that is so unhelpful. But I asked the Lord to direct me and one of the first sites I came across was healingcd.wordpress.com. As I read the articles I began to see that there was hope to be free of, what I am convinced of, is a sin before a holy God.
The last four years have been a struggle but by God’s grace I have come to a much better place. The desires haven’t gone away and there have been times when I have still fallen into sin. Those times have left me feeling ashamed and perversely and sadly have often fueled the desire to do it again. But gradually things have started to change for me.
That was highlighted in a recent fall. I tried on one item of clothing. Four years ago that wouldn’t have had any effect on me. The only way I got turned on was by completely dressing up. I only ever felt shame when I had gone ‘all the way.’ However, in this recent failure, one item of clothing for a few minutes, I felt so ashamed, so empty, so wretched. As always the Lord came with the assurance of his redeeming grace and the knowledge that his righteousness is the only covering I need to stand before a holy God.
It was reflecting on this that I have realised that God is doing a work in me. Although I feel that there are still cords around me they are fewer and have less of a hold on me.
I’m sharing this with you to encourage you to keep on fighting this. Don’t give up. If we sow thoughts and deeds in the field of the flesh (CD in my case) then it is from that field we will reap corruption. Our lives will be rotten and we will stink. We won’t be the fragrance of Christ. But, if we sow thoughts and deeds in the field of the spirit (using the means of grace) we will from the field of the spirit reap eternal life. We will enjoy fellowship with Christ both now and forever.