Guest Posts

Guest posts are blog posts written by friends and members of our email prayer group.   They write them and then submit them to me to publish.  Some are testimonies, some are recommendations for ways to quit crossdressing, and some are about ways to understand ourselves and our crossdressing.

 

By Andrew.    See – Andrew’s Testimony
How is Your Check Engine Light – By Andrew
What Would God Say?  – By Andrew
Why do I do what I do? – By Andrew
XXXChurch.com – By Andrew
Celebrate Recovery! – By Andrew
A Frightening Prospect – By Andrew

 

Becoming a Man – By Mctorie

 

Survived a Battle – By TemptedSinner

 

Don’s Testimony (anti-androgens) – By Don

 

God’s Commitment to Us – By SC

 

Testimony – By Anonymous

 

Reflections on Psalm 32 – By XcdScooter

 

Alec’s Testimony – By Alec
Sexaholics Anonymous / Sex Addicts Anonymous – By Alec

 

Paul’s Testimony – By Paul

37 comments on “Guest Posts

  1. blankpiedra says:

    An interesting article. I would like to know what different peoples take on this is. Is it really that simple? Has anybody read this book? Does this idea allow us to be more free in our behavior? Is the strict code of what it means to be a man is loosened by this idea. Does it speak of how we are to behave as men? Does it speak to ideas of how we as crossdressers or transexual or gender questioning men view what a woman is?

    http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/july-web-only/gender-and-trinity-interview-with-psychologist-larry-crabb.html

    Like

  2. thorin25 says:

    Interesting article. Thank you for sharing it. I have heard this idea about gender difference before, and from prominent evangelical pastors. I’m not sure what to think about it yet, particularly since I know so many men and women who don’t fit the stereotype. Viewing men and women with this simple distinction of going to, and inviting in, is much preferred to the traditional stereotypes to men like cars and women like cooking. But I almost struggle just as much with it, because just as many people don’t fit the traditional stereotypes, many don’t fit this one either. So is the right answer, that some men and women are on the extreme ends of the average men and women, and just don’t fit, and that’s okay? Or it is that some men and women don’t fit, and that is wrong, they are broken in some way, and need to be healed to be the right kind of men and women that God created them to be?

    I’m not sure what I think of the Trinitarian argument for this, seems relatively weak to me.

    I’m also learning some stuff about the biological ramifications of gender, and as much as it makes me a bit uncomfortable, it seems like there are some good biological studies that show that men and women are actually different (on average generally) even according to many of the traditional stereotypes. I’ll post about that soon sharing a new resource I found. But that doesn’t tell us how to behave either. It just says men are generally like this, and women are generally like this, and doesn’t mean we have to feel bad if we are different from the general norm.

    If gender really is only about this difference in relating, I think it does give us more freedom, which is what I’ve been advocating all along (although my ideas about gender are continually in flux as this post shows, as I keep learning and wondering and wrestling). But that freedom would not be freedom to crossdress, it would be freedom to be a man who loves beauty, art, cooking, whatever. A man who loves to sing, dance, and be gentle. It would be realizing that we can be fully ourselves and fully men, without having to crossdress to be ourselves.

    I guess if I was convinced that this was the right way to view gender, I would try to help instill this type of gender identity in my children, encouraging my sons to be relational in that moving toward way, and encouraging my daughters to be relational in that inviting way. And I would try to encourage myself to fit more into that role. Our culture wants to raise children to just do whatever they heck they want, whatever comes naturally. But I don’t buy that. That is stupid nonsense. Children need to be taught to go against their natural selves. Their natural selves are selfish above all, among other problems. We need to teach them about the world, about how to relate to people, how to learn and grow, how to be healthy, how to speak, teach them about who God is, teach our cultural norms, and teach them about what their sex means for them in our world.

    Tell us your thoughts 🙂

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  3. Rob Milliken says:

    Hey guys if you’re like me cd fantasies and nocturnal dreams of cd’ing are more of a problem than the physical act of cd’ing is. I’ve found a 6 CD audio set called “The Believer’s Warfare” by Dr. Charles Stanley. Which explains how to daily employ the full armour of God as described by the Apostle Paul (Saul) in the book of Ephesians.

    This series of Dr. Stanley’s continues to be of no small blessing to me in attempting to fend off the arrows and pitfalls of temptation. After all let’s be frank, the moment that we accepted Christ we entered into an invisible spiritual war till He calls us home, or He returns. Thus our enemy would prefer that our walk with The Lord stay as ignorantly powerless as possible leaving us vulnerable to his evil manipulations. Discrediting our Christian witness and hence, the glory of God.

    However anointed by The Holy Spirit Dr. Stanley presents sound Bible based doctrine to instruct his listener’s as to our role in this warfare to which we’ve been drafted by our Savior Jesus! You can order the set online from intouchministries.com. By mail P.O. Box 7900 Atlanta, GA. 30357, or by phone
    1-800-789-1473 for $14.00…
    In Christ, Rob

    Like

  4. Anonymous says:

    TO WHOM THE LORD LOVES

    I am a 57 year old, former minister and I want to tell you my story and how the Lord opened my eyes to the destructiveness of cross-dressing. I tried to keep it simple and not belabor it, but unfortunately it is still too long.

    Heb 12 says:
    And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.” If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? … Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

    On a particular day, I was checking out of a store when I suddenly felt weak and dizzy as if I was going to black out. I took deep breaths and was able to recoup and get home. But the sensation continued and so I went to the emergency room. Blood test, EKG and x-rays revealed all was well so they concluded it was dehydration and released me.

    Then a week later, the symptoms returned, and I felt in a constant state of nausea and dizziness. I was praying to God for relief but felt as if my prayers went only as far as the ceiling. No one was listening.

    The symptoms continued with a vengeance. My heart was racing, I had to take deep breaths and I felt like I was constantly going to black out. My wife took me to the emergency room and again after all the tests, they could find nothing and released me.

    I was very anxious now and crying out to God for answers. I was walking in a cloud of uncertainty and in an overall sense of fear. I had a horrible night’s sleep and woke up around 3 am, not able to get back to sleep. I was seeking the Lord the best I could, but deep in my gut it felt futile. I began to suspect that this was the hand of God’s chastisement on my life, for I had plenty to be chastised over.

    The next morning I walked into the bedroom and my body had the sensation as if it was now completely shutting down. I felt myself not just blacking out but feeling as if my heart was going to simply stop. I actually said to my wife, “This is it. My life is over.” I crumpled on the bed and began to say my goodbyes to her. My goodbye was pathetic. It was one continual apology. I apologized for being such a lousy husband and not treasuring her, I apologized for not being the man of God I should have been and I apologized for not giving her the life she deserved and so on. She brushed all that aside and just told me to take deep breaths. The physical sensation subsided a bit so she called the ambulance.

    On the way to the hospital, not knowing if this was my last day on earth, I say with shame that I was scrambling for a prayer. You see, the guy in the back of that ambulance was the biggest fraud on the planet and the game was over. I was a Christian hypocrite who portrayed a life of Godliness, who could battle anyone in the arena of theology, who could talk the “Jesus Talk,” but was living a double life.

    For decades I lived this cyclical routine of pursuing Christ in prayer and scripture, and generally living as I thought a believer should, only to swap it out when the desire arose in a lustful, sensual world of cross-dressing (mostly in nylons, panties and slips but other times in full female outfits). You see I have been cross-dressing since kindergarten and since I discovered masturbation through it, it was now a permanent part of my life. It was my secret hidden life that was with me all through my youth, marriage and pastorate. It was my security, my safe haven, my place to go when the pressures were too much or when I felt depressed, or I was facing problems. It was my comfort, my warmth, my home. I had a love/hate relationship with it but apparently more love than hate. Suffice it to say, I was living a double life and my mind was corrupted, trying to serve two masters, both Christ and the base desires of the flesh. And as a Jesus said, it cannot be done.

    I could be spiritual when I needed to be spiritual, would seek Christ in prayer (and truly mean it) but would have to admit that Wesley’s hymn described my failure:

    I have long withstood His grace,
    Long provoked Him to His face,
    Would not hearken to His calls,
    Grieved Him by a thousand falls.

    I have spilt His precious blood,
    Trampled on the Son of God,
    Filled with pangs unspeakable,
    I, who yet am not in hell!

    I my Master have denied,
    I afresh have crucified,
    And profaned His hallowed Name,
    Put Him to an open shame.

    I moved onto pornography, mostly sites of women sensually clad in lingerie, nylons and the like, but then moving onto sites that are too embarrassing to discuss. Though I was not committing adultery in the literal sense, I was guilty of the same, for this is a sin that takes place in the heart and mind, not necessarily in the arms of another woman. I found excuses for my sin, spiritual excuses and I found these excuses because in the end, I loved my sin. It was a pleasure too much for me to give up. There were times I would fight against it, truly seeking Christ for that deliverance, knowing it was destructive to my relationship with Him, but in the end, I would give in under the pretense that it was just too difficult a battle to maintain. Truthfully, it was blatant idolatry.

    I would justify it by thinking:

    “Well, I’m a guy, I have needs.”
    “Things aren’t going good in my life, I guess I’ll just escape the reality of what is.”
    “Seems like God doesn’t really care about my situation. Oh well, I’ll just balance the scales on my own.”
    “One of these days my walk with Christ will be what it ought to be, but for now…”

    When it came to this particular sin, I would have to shelf Jesus, so to speak. I was a man in bondage, sometimes unwillingly, many times willingly. I was a slave of corruption as the Apostle says. “For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.” (2 Pt 2:19)

    Later, I would turn back to Christ with typical religious guilt and pseudo-repentance. Other times my repentance was deeply sincere, times when I really meant business spiritually only to do as the Apostle Peter describes, return to my sin as a dog to its vomit. I believe this is why God removed me from the ministry years ago and why he put me on the shelf in return. Christ only uses pure vessels. He didn’t need this filthy one. This is why my life never amounted to anything spiritually. How could it? The prophet Jeremiah says: “Your iniquities have turned these things away, and your sins have withheld good from you.”

    I was living a roller coaster Christianity, up one day, down another day. It was a pattern of life I became use to. I didn’t know any other way. And yet, through it all the hand of God was still gracious and the goodness of God still evident. But I was doing what Paul accused the Romans of: “Do you despise the riches of God’s goodness (kindness), forbearance (patience), and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God is meant to lead you to repentance? (Romans 2:4).

    Little did I reflect upon the fact that I was putting myself in spiritual jeopardy. Paul goes on the write: “But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who “will render to each one according to his deeds”: eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good (i.e. pursuing Christ)… but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness—indignation and wrath, tribulation and anguish, on every soul of man who does evil… For there is no partiality with God. (Romans 2:5-11)

    So here I was now, in the back of this ambulance, knowing only that this could be my last day on earth, and I would soon face Christ to give an account for my failed life and why I kept choosing the path of sin over obedience to Christ. My confidence of eternal salvation was weak at best, and I was scrambling for every prayer I could think of. I was pleading the blood of Jesus, I was begging his forgiveness, I was trying to claim verses but in the end, I knew I was found out. My peace was gone, my assurance had eroded and I was scared, literally, about death. This should not be the way a true believer in Christ should face death, and I knew my sin had found me out.

    The most horrific experience in the back of that ambulance was “regret.” Regret over a wasted life. Regret that I treated the most precious gift of the Gospel as if it were one of many items in a toy box. Regret that I had played around with Christianity rather than experienced it in all the Resurrection glory that Christ intended I should. Regret that I was not the man of God, living to the potential that I should have been with my wife and children. Regret that I traded out prayer time for selfish living, regret that I assumed upon the mercy and grace of God and abused it. I am convinced that the worst thing about hell is that one keeps his memories, because regret is unbearable and unchangeable and it plagues the mind incessantly.

    I was possibly facing my last day in this world in the back of that ambulance and I was not anywhere near having that “abundant entrance into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” (2 Pt 1:11) God could not have been further from my senses than he was that morning.

    Once again, to my chagrin, the doctors could find nothing. Absolutely nothing. They suggested maybe thyroid, possibly anxiety, but this would require further testing with a physician outside the hospital.

    This was, beyond the shadow of a doubt the chastising hand of God. The scourging of God as it says in Hebrews 12. Physically, I was experiencing everything King David felt when he was chastised by God for keeping silent about his own sins of adultery and murder.

    Psalm 38
    2. For Your arrows pierce me deeply, And Your hand presses me down.
    (I felt an invisible heaviness on my life, pressing down on me).

    3. There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your anger, Nor any health in my bones because of my sin.
    (I was feeling all out of sorts, nothing seemed right in my body, my health felt depleted).

    6. I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.
    (I was vacillating every day between depression and anxiety, fear and weeping. I could not take control of my emotions).

    7. For my loins are full of inflammation, And there is no soundness in my flesh. I am feeble and severely broken; I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.
    (I could find no peace, no rest, no comfort in anything spiritual. I felt like a broken man even though there was no physical evidence of it).

    10. My heart pants, my strength fails me; As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.
    (My heart palpitations kept coming and going, I was gasping for breath. Everything seemed hopeless, I couldn’t get work done, I was weak, no energy, no appetite and had to just lay on the bed).

    Psalm 32
    3. When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long.
    4. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.
    (I had constant dry mouth even after drinking water, I groaned inwardly over wondering what was happening to my life).

    So that day, I went home from the hospital and just sat on my bed. The house was empty and I began to weep. Not so much because of my physical condition, but because I squandered a life, a whole beautiful gift of God, for what? The deceitful lies of the world? I felt the hollowness of it in the back of that ambulance. I could not say that Jesus was the Pearl of Great Price, that wonderful Treasure, in my own life. I was what James called, the “double minded man unstable in all his ways.” I convinced myself I wanted Jesus but gave a wide berth for the lust of the flesh. I was the one whom Paul spoke of in 1 Cor. 10:12, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” I deceived myself into thinking that I could have a relationship with Christ, periodically interrupted to feed the flesh monster, and then go back to Christ. How could I be so blind? “Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ IF we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end.” (Hebrews 3:12-14). “How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation…?” (Hebrews 2:3).

    As I sat in that room and pondered all this, I turned to Psalm 51 and began to read it intently and started to weep through every verse:
    1. Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your loving-kindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions.
    2. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
    3. For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin is always before me.
    4. Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done this evil in Your sight— That You may be found just when You speak, And blameless when You judge.

    I worked my way through all 19 verses no longer weeping, but now wailing, crying out to God with all my heart. I begged his forgiveness, I prayed for the washing of the blood of Christ, I confessed my sins in detail, I confessed my failures, my presumptions, my self-will, my waste of life. I admitted that I deserved the wages of unrighteousness. I prayed sincerely. I prayed fervently, probably for the first time in years. But I never prayed for healing. I prayed for a restored relationship with my precious Savior of whom I treated like some co-worker I would run into on occasion. I didn’t want healing. For the first time in a long, long time I wanted Jesus. I did not want my old life restored because I knew then and there I will never go back to that way of life again. I vowed that if I do survive whatever this is, I will never drag a bag of regrets and fear into the back of an ambulance again. I attempted no bargains with God, I didn’t offer any deals, I simply repented and left the outcome to him.

    I then flopped on the bed and fell asleep.

    Well, The Lord wasn’t done yet. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was watching the clock while I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I had to gasp for deep breaths. I got up and paced. I tried to pray. It seemed God wasn’t listening. I lay back down. About 1:30 I woke my wife and said, “I can’t take this. Let’s get back to the hospital.”

    This time they kept me in for 24 hour observation and a stress test. As I lay in the bed hooked up to the monitor, blood being taken, prodded by doctors and awaken by nurses, I can only say my bedfellows were fear and anxiety. Despite the feeling of futility, I kept praying to Christ. My prayers were now for, “time,”” time so that my life can bring forth the fruits of repentance. I wanted to make up to Christ all the years that I had so selfishly squandered. Not to earn my salvation but to allow him to do in me what he wanted to do decades ago.

    About 4 in the morning a nurse woke me up to take more blood. When she finished, I just laid there staring at others in the emergency room, some in terrible condition. I felt like a fool to allow myself to think I could deceive God and get away with sin. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption (in Hell), but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.” (Galatians 6:7, 8). God was making that crystal clear in that hospital.

    As I lay in the bed, silently, just staring, the Lord spoke to my heart. “He who comes to me I will in no wise cast out. He who comes to me I will not drive away.” (Jn 6:37) I began to silently weep. You see, through this whole ordeal, I felt rejected by the Lord. I felt as if he had washed his hands of me. Like David in Psalm 51, I too prayed: “Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.” And this verse was the beginning, the crack in the ice, so to speak of hope for me. I held onto those words all day in the hospital repeating them over and over.

    Well after several blood tests, EKG’s, stress test (echocardiogram) and x-rays, the doctors could find nothing wrong except with the possibility of maybe a thyroid problem which had to be checked out by a family doctor.

    As the week progressed, my symptoms began to subside. Little by little, I began to feel more myself.

    I was sitting in the living room scrolling through my phone checking out some bible verses that I had saved on it. And there were the words that helped me turn the corner. 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord is long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.” Again, more tears.

    I then thought, if God is not willing that any should perish, then God is not willing that I should perish. And if God is not willing that I should perish, then that tells me that what God is doing is designed for a positive change, so that in the end, I will not perish but have everlasting life! I slept very well that night knowing God was not out to destroy me, but simply to reprove me. I rested in that.

    The next day I asked my wife to go for a drive with me. I poured my heart out to her and told her of all my failure which was not limited to just the cross-dress issue (of which she was not totally ignorant). I failed her as a husband, a prayer partner and as a believer for we are “heirs together of the grace of life.” (1 Pt 3:7). I owed this to my wife. I wasn’t going to sweep this under the rug and just move on, for it affected my marriage and it hindered my prayers as the apostle says in that verse. I wanted nothing between my soul and the Savior and I wanted a clean slate with my wife as I make a clean break from old habits. And my loving wife, of whom I do not deserve was overwhelmingly forgiving.

    Well, time had gone on and after a blood test, as I expected, it was not my thyroid. I am confirmed more and more that I was specifically chastised by God, that this was the loving hand of Jesus Christ letting me know that to stay on this path will be sure destruction. It was as if God was saying, “Enough is enough. I’m going to give you a taste of what it will be like when you face your death apart from Me!”

    I am here to testify that it is —–horrifying.

    I seek only Christ now. I want Him. I want to know Him. I don’t care about “head knowledge” anymore. Let the others debate theology, let the others argue back and forth while putting up walls between themselves. Like Mary, I want to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear His word. I want “the one thing that is needed, and chose that good part, which will not be taken away from me.” (Luke 10:38-42)

    I am re-discovering the grace and the love of Jesus Christ and am amazed that he did not just cast me away from his presence. This has been a supreme act of love on Christ’s part by not allowing me to carry this hypocrisy to the grave. And I am done with the idolatry of cross-dressing. That doesn’t mean I am no longer tempted, for I have been experiencing elevated levels of addiction withdraw. But I run to the love of Christ now as my comfort and security, not to the clothing that gave me a false satisfaction. When you stand on the cliff’s edge of your life and see the outcome of an eternity in question, you realize, no earthly pleasure is worth eternity apart from Christ.

    Thanks
    Anonymous

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  5. thorin25 says:

    Wow thank you for the powerful testimony! Praise the Lord for his grace and mercy and care for us! How long ago was this medical episode. May I post your story as an official guest post? I can put by “anonymous.” Please let me know

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  6. Guillaume says:

    Thank you anonymous for your testimony! It is so reassuring to hear that He will never let go of us but instead bring us back home, even if He has to chasten us. Thank you Lord for your love and presence in each of us

    Like

  7. Dramaking55 says:

    I am so proud of you for being so transparent in your testimony! Thank you for sharing your story and I pray that others will read this and come to that point where we want repentance more than taking our next breath. I believe that God spoke to me through that “still small voice” where I heard “did you really think my Son’s death would be so cheap?” Words that would in-bed themselves into my psyche forever. Like you, I had taken God’s grace for granted for many a year. I loved God and Jesus but I just couldn’t trust Him because like many who come here to this blog I was broken in ways that had nothing to do with CD. That was just a symptom! God has shown me so many other character defects that I had that I just never looked at.
    Much work has been done over the years through counseling and through God showing me how much He cares for me by giving me a passion for men through this blog, our email prayer chain and my own church. I have been blessed to know many men like you who have traveled those same roads that you have and to be a part of this ministry. God is not done with you my brother, you need to tell your story as do we all so that, as God prunes us, he also shows us what needs to be done for the kingdom. We serve a great God!

    Blessings
    Andrew

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  8. Paul says:

    Thank you annonymous for your testimony. Every time I read things like this it strengthens my own resolve to fight every temptation by God’s grace. I am so thankful that God loves us enough to chasten us and to pull us away from destructive habits. I am so glad that he is patient with us even when we don’t get it the first, second, third … time.

    God bless you brother.

    Paul

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  9. Anonymous says:

    I am the guy (former minister) who recently posted the story about how the Lord had to chastise me (via the back of an ambulance) to wake me up concerning my crossdressing. Is there any way to discuss this issue on this site with anyone? I understand that CDing can no longer be an option (as it has been in my life since kindergarten), but I find myself so lonely inside and fearful that I often crave my former safe harbor. I’m doing the battle in my head but I fear that unless I find a greater reality in Christ, the emptiness will only drive me back to the old life. I’ve searched this site but it doesn’t really appear to have a place for discussion support other than leaving a prayer request.
    Thanks

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  10. thorin25 says:

    Anonymous, yes indeed! We have an email prayer chain that is very active. Read about it here, and please sign up! https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    We give each other lots of encouragement and prayers and advice and confession and more.

    Please also let me know still if I could post your testimony as a “guest post” like the guest posts above.

    Like

  11. Anonymous says:

    To Thorin25, yes you may post my testimony as a guest post, although I don’t know what that means. Please do not put in any email address though and leave it as “anonymous.” My only concern is that the testimony is far from complete. I have not yet discovered how to be free from this. Though the experience woke me up to reality, I have been closet crossdressing for 53 years (started in kindergarten). The extent of my crossdressing has for the majority of the time been limited to nylons or pantyhose, panties and slips. I would wear them for a period of time and revel in their pleasure and always conclude with masturbation. On a few occasions I dressed fully in skirts, blouses and heels, but never to go out in public. But my choice has been (and as I struggle still) is the simplicity of nylons, panties and slips. Since my experience as recorded in my testimony, I have been diagnosed with thyroid problems and I have much fear in my heart. My anxiety and fear seems to be a catalyst driving me back to CDing as a coping mechanism. I seek Christ and try to do what I can to stop but I have discovered the depth of my bondage and fear that am all but lost. I am alone in my struggle and can not speak to anyone that remotely would understand. My wife and I have been conversing a lot about it and praying but she cannot get a handle on the struggle, nor should she. I fear that God is disgusted with me and I am at a lost what to do. I love Christ but for the most part in all my years of Christianity I have been so alone in this that I fear I will take it to my grave.

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  12. thorin25 says:

    Hi Anonymous, your testimony is helpful just as is, even if your story is not complete and you are still struggling with crossdressing. Most of the guys in our community are still struggling to varying degrees as well, while at the same time experiencing joy and freedom.

    You are not alone, as I said, there are many Christian men like us. I highly encourage you to join our prayer chain. Please read this page for more information, and sign up if you are willing. https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    There is hope in Christ! There is more freedom to be had! For starters I recommend you continue to read more of my blog posts. Here is the list of them – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/most-important-posts/

    And as a pastor, I want to do for you what is I think one of the beautiful ways to give pastoral care to someone, and that is to assure you that you are under no condemnation. You are in Christ. You are loved, you are forgiven. You are not loved by God based on your merit, based on how you’ve done, how you’ve lived. It’s not about works my friend. You have failed, you have sinned. We all have. But that is why its called GRACE! It’s what we don’t deserve. You are forgiven because of what Christ has done, not because what you have done or not done. You know this. But you aren’t acting like you know it. Stop wallowing in despair. Stop living in regret. Stop living in fear. You are in Christ. If you sin you will not suddenly lose that position in Christ. It is secure, the Holy Spirit is in you as a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance, an inheritance you surely do not deserve, but will receive anyway. Please read this post – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2013/11/23/no-condemnation/

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  13. Dramaking55 says:

    Anonymous, when I read that another man wants to talk, I am overjoyed! Please feel free to email me and I will provide you with other ways that we can connect. I have been in recovery for over 25 years and I know the fears of risk and exposure as well the fear that if you do open up, will that person understand you. After all; the best I could find in the early years was a 12 step program called SA where after I spilled my guts one evening I was told that “You are just an average, common, garden variety sex addict. At least they got me! lol
    Anytime you wish to connect brother I am here for you resurrected55@gmail.com
    Blessings
    Andrew

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  14. Rob Milliken says:

    Pastor Anonymous,
    I was just going through this site trying to figure out how to remove myself from it and may still do so, when I read your testimony. Much of your experience I can definitely relate too, as yours seem eerily similar to mine except I’m not a preacher. I’ve overstayed my welcome here on healing cd, it’s my fault. Your full repentance of cd’ing was between you and The Lord, no third party groups moderated by humans that want honesty as long as your not too honest? Go figure? We humans are unreliably fickle at best Anonymous, three weeks ago I asked my church elders to pray over me regarding my cd temptations. One of them took my phone # telling he would call with an appointment time, I’m still waiting…. Between that and the admonishments one endures on this site, I believe I’ll pursue healing through the perfect love of Jesus as you’ve done Anonymous. Without the need for imperfect human moderators claiming to have the love of Christ but clearly need to soul search that claim. I’m going to keep you and all my brothers on this site in my daily prayers, God Bless..
    Rob

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  15. Anonymous says:

    Since I (Anonymous) posted my story I’ve had some interesting responses. Being a closet CD’er for the better part of my life (at least 5 decades), bound and controlled by it, had a crippling effect in my life as a believer. It stole everything from me, EVERYTHING: a vibrant walk with Christ, joy and peace of mind, it deadened my marriage, heaped continual guilt upon me, eventually I left the ministry because I felt like such a fraud, I became like a recluse though I was still among my family. It was my “go to” comfort zone, and I concluded that I was going to take it to the grave with me. The worst impact this “sin” had in my life is that it stole me from the love of Christ. By that I mean that I ceased to believe that God would or could care for such trash like me. I was no longer comfortable in the presence of Christ. I hated myself and I was pretty convinced God felt the same way toward me. I don’t know if anyone can understand the sorrow and unhappiness that can fill a life when a believer feels estranged from the God he once loved, while at the same time feeling bound to his sin with no hope of ever breaking free, but it is a recipe for a miserable life.
    My story (titled: FOR WHOM THE LORD LOVES), changed all that. It is true that I felt the chastising hand of God to wake me up, but it was the hand of compassion and mercy. It was not retribution but revival! The Lord Jesus Christ opened my eyes in every respect. First, I saw the horror of a Christless eternity and it rattled me to my bones. C.S.Lewis gives a brief description titled the Insanity of Hell:

    “In eternity, there is nothing for you but your own mind, no sleep, no books or landscapes, no sounds, no drugs or distractions, no other person, no other voice, just darkness and worst of all—memory, not the good kind of past joys but the maddening kind of recalling every wrong choice, every selfish decision, every lustful and ego-centric aspiration, every “No!” to the wooing Spirit of Jesus Christ, will haunt incessantly with not even a drop of cold water to quench the burning delirium. The memory of evil chosen in this life will be a mounting horror. It will be as actual as a coffin is actual to a man buried alive. Hell is a detestable doctrine. That is why God spared no price in purchasing our salvation. The extent of His love and the depth of His sacrifice will take all eternity to explore.”

    I looked over the precipice of that description in the back of that ambulance and it shook me to the core. I’m not challenging anyone’s theology, I’m only telling my story.
    God broke me. In a good way. I repented. Not the surface kind of repentance that I did after every CD experience which was no more than remorse, where I felt bad and wished I wasn’t like this, but hey, what are you going to do, I’ll try better next time. No. I experienced what Paul says in 2 Cor 7:9-10

    “…the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have… For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.” (NLT)

    I truly repented. I confessed to my wife and I confessed to a dear pastor friend (25 years my elder and my mentor). Both poured such love into my life that the scales came off my eyes and I saw the love of Christ like I never saw it before. And those are the only 2 that will ever know my secret because I trust them and it is not necessary to tell others any details while sharing this story. For others I simply refer to the “degradation of sin,” and most people have such bondages in their own life and they can apply it where needed.

    But the love and grace and mercy and compassion and comfort of Jesus Christ is a reality for me now. I have a new bible. Every page rings of the love of Christ. I’m not earning anything. I couldn’t if I tried. I’m not trying to impress Christ. I am simply basking in the wonder that He would love me.

    In the ambulance I feared death. Jesus now speaks to my heart and says: “Fear not, little flock (little lamb); for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” (Lk 12:32)

    Have I been tempted since? I suppose. But I see now that the trade off is not worth it. The love and affection of Jesus Christ has an expulsive power to it, whereby it drives away the thoughts that seem more like a bother than a temptation. I am so overwhelmed with the grace, mercy, compassion and love of Christ, that He has become the sunlight that drives away the dark night and replaces it with the glorious blue skies of a summer day. And my wife is my prayer-partner. We have a commitment that if ever down the road the old temptations come knocking on the door, than together we will get on our knees and let Jesus answer the door.

    Well, I better end this. It is far too lengthy at this point. All I tell people now is to LET GOD LOVE YOU! I am discovering that to love God is to let God love me. It began with a shocking experience to wake me up to reality, and it is resulting in a “rest” I never thought possible. And finally, you cannot do this alone. Jesus has a body and he functions through his body. You need someone to talk to. Someone you trust. Someone who cares. Someone who can help. Someone to pray with and someone who can guide you into the love of Christ. We’re not going to live forever. And we can’t take our CDing with us. We need to discover the Expulsive Power of a New Affection.

    Blessings,
    Anonymous

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  16. Andrew says:

    Dear anonymous, I am moved as I read your testimony and I applaud your willingness to share here on the blog. My prayer is that you would feel the comfort of resting in our Lord’s arms each and every day. You were given a gift and now you must share it and continue to share it as long as you draw breath.
    This blog is a testimony to all who refer to CD as a sin with no qualifiers, it doesn’t matter to God whether it is adultery, taking the lord’s name in vain or any other sin you can think of. There is no condemnation as it says in Romans. Your words need to be shared in comments on the blog as well as on our prayer chain. Here, because there are so many hurting men that come here looking for hope and also to learn something through all the posts even the ones that don’t agree with me. I count as friends those people because I value their opinions even if we disagree. The prayer chain allows us to ask for prayer but also to dialogue with fellow believers struggling through life just like all of us. It is a safe place of community and I pray that you would come join us there and here as long as Christ gives you breath.
    As a recovering sinner, I have come to realize that I will be in recovery till I leave this earth so that now when I speak about my story I boldly say that I am a recovering sinner who struggled with cross-dressing for 50 years and every time I claim it I know that I am stabbing into the heart of satan once more and bringing to the light of Christ all that He has blessed me with. Please feel free to write or call any time day or night.

    Blessings to you my brother
    Andrew

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  17. Rob Milliken says:

    Pastor Anonymous I gather from your later post dated 02/17/14 that while you’ve come back to Christ you still feel a little empty in your heart and mind without the cd’ing? Am I correct? If so as a recovering cd’er that is also 57 and like you started at age 5, I saw cd’ing as part of my personality. My hiding place when life shoveled dung my way. In fact when I read your first post I felt so drawn to your words I was ready to drop this group and attempt to tackle my cd’ing with just Jesus and me! I was allowing the enemy to have a field day with my heart, and mind. I copped a serious attitude with our moderator Andrew when all he was doing was lovingly attempting to minister, to guide me in a more Christ like thought pattern. I refused and unnecessarily lashed out at him here on the guest posts! An action that I’ve asked The Lord’s, Andrew’s, and the groups forgiveness for! In all due respect Pastor Anonymous Your last post most assuredly demonstrates to me and you hopefully the importance of a group setting like ours! A body of fellow recovering cd believers which as His sons our Father will hear our prayers. Where one or more are gathered right? I can’t imagine what I’d do without this group, without the strength from other brothers in this fight! Please consider jumping in to our group Pastor we’ed love to have you, and could only benefit from your life experience’s!
    In Christ Dear Brother, Rob

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  18. Anonymous says:

    Hi Rob, I’m really glad to hear from you.

    You stated: “I gather from your later post dated 02/17/14 that while you’ve come back to Christ you still feel a little empty in your heart and mind without the cd’ing?”

    I may have misrepresented myself in that post, because truly, that is not the case. If anything, it is the complete opposite. I am daily overwhelmed at such love from my Savior. And I wouldn’t trade the peace and freedom that I now have for any temporal pleasure that CDing brought in my past. I seek each day to try and “comprehend” as Paul says in Ephesians 3 “the width, the length, the depth and the height of the love that Christ has for me.” It is overwhelming.

    As I stated in my post, CDing stole everything from me, everything, but the worst impact was blinding me to the eternal love that Christ had for a “wretch like me.” The grace, mercy, forgiveness and love of my Savior has filled that “dull thud in the pit of my heart,” that caused me to run to my sin for so long. I’m not saying I don’t have thoughts or memories of CDing or even flash moments of the pleasure in my head, but the drive, the embracing, the worship, the clinging to my lust is no longer there. My lust has been replaced with love and as the hymn states:

    Loved with everlasting love,
    Led by grace that love to know;
    Gracious Spirit from above,
    Thou hast taught me it is so!
    O this full and perfect peace!
    O this transport all divine!
    In a love which cannot cease,
    I am His, and He is mine.

    No temporal momentary escapist pleasure is worth giving that up for me now. When those luring thoughts cross my mind, I almost feel like Joseph when he is being seduced by Potiphar’s wife and he responds: “…How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?” (Genesis 39:9). To do so would be giving up freedom, happiness and vibrant life in the sunlight for a dark, stinking, rotten, lonely prison cell. The trade off is just not worth it for me. The love of Christ has become everything and worth everything.

    There are two reasons why I have not joined this group, and if I am wrong for doing so I’m sure the Lord will guide me in this manner.

    First, I have to be honest, I find the site to be quite confusing or rather complicated. I have been asked to “join” several times but it is confusing on how to do so and I am hesitant on being inundated with a bunch of emails that I’m not sure what to do with. I question, what am I joining and why, when I can already read the posts as well as post something. So, maybe it’s my lack of computer savvy, but I don’t presently sense the urgency of joining. If someone has a question, as you did, I received the email and responded. I’m not sure what else there is to the site.

    The second reason is the more important one. 52 years out of 57 have been forever lost to me in CDing. Those years cannot be taken back. I do not find it productive in my present Christian journey to keep reminding myself about CDing by continually discussing it. I hope that statement doesn’t sound arrogant. You wrote: “In all due respect Pastor Anonymous Your last post most assuredly demonstrates to me (and you hopefully) the importance of a group setting like ours!” No doubt many are finding strength in a website like this. And I am grateful for such a site. But I’m not sure what I wrote in my last post to give the impression that I was missing the filthy sin that corrupted my entire life, because, honestly, I’m not. This is not an elitist attitude at all, far from it. This is an attitude of “…forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” And this has only come about because of the love of Christ that has been shed abroad in my heart.

    I am grateful for your concern and truly I find it to be a generous kindness on your part to offer the invitation, but presently I have 2 very strong accountability partners if the need were to arise. But to be honest, I don’t think I have anything to contribute. It seems the gentleman who runs the site has everything well in hand and the Lord appears to really be using him to help guide those in need.

    Again, I hope none of this comes across as if I’m better than anyone else (the Lord knows that is the farthest thing from my heart). I’m just not sure how the site really works and I fear that I’m just going to sound like a broken record, repeating over and over, that the only way to kill off the love of CDing is to discover, experience and walk in the love our Lord Jesus Christ. Rediscover Calvary, understand that Hell is not worth the sin and beg God to help you to pour all your hurts, failures, pains, sorrows and sadness into Christ and let him fill you with glorious grace and compassion.

    We are older men. We are not long for this world. Time is short and the last thing we want to do is take to our grave a pile of regrets. CDing is not a unique sin. It is, at best, unadulterated lust of the flesh. We have draped it in all kinds of philosophical and psychological ideas, but in the end it is sin, none-the-less. It is no different than any other sin that Christ has come to save us from. Let us, let God save us. He can and He will but we have to make Him more in our hearts and minds than we do our iniquity. He loves us with an everlasting love and He will prove that love even if He has to put us in the back of an ambulance to wake us up. 57 years a failure, the only thing that set me free was discovering that as much as I hated my ugly, rotten, self for who and what I was, God loved me still and never gave up on me. When everyone else walked out, Jesus walked in. His love is stubborn – He refuses to stop loving us. Into the night and through the storms – beyond our failures and much further than our faults, His love persists and prevails. If you’re at the bottom of a well and trying to find God, you don’t need look far – He’s right next to you. So here’s our task for the rest of our life – seek to comprehend the width and length and depth and height (to know) the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that we may be filled with all the fullness of God.

    Let God Love You,
    Anonymous

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  19. James says:

    I would like your prayers and to talk with someone about my dark passenger, this legion that has pursued me night and day, stolen my joy, left me ashamed, robed my beautiful wife of the full husband she deserves, and most importantly has helped me choose poorly to sin against my Lord. I am 59 and have not ever spoken with anyone about this and there is part of the enemy’s power. The secret lie.

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  20. Dramaking55 says:

    James, I feel you my brother! I am also 59 (in May) and all that you have said I have done the same. This blog has a wealth of information on it and I monitor it daily so please feel free share as you feel led.
    We also have a prayer chain where you can dig in deeper with 40 other guys who have been where you are and you can receive the accountability that you need to maintain sobriety. I am here for you James and so is everyone else. If you are looking to speak personally to me we can arrange that as well once you are on the Email Prayer Chain. Just go to the pages section at the top here and click email prayer chain and I will add you.
    Whatever has seemed hopeless about all this can be eliminated and can be discussed within the bounds of a very safe container James.

    Blessings

    Andrew

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  21. Rob Milliken says:

    Hi guys thought I’d leave a short review of a new book I recently finished reading. That I think might be beneficial to both born again believers, agnostics, and those caught somewhere in between! The book is called “The Case For Christ” by former legal editor for the Chicago Tribune, Lee Strobel.

    Let’s face it guys at some point in our christian walk we have all entertained the enemies whispered doubts concerning the Deity and or validity of Jesus Christ. Strobel however challenges scholars from institutions of higher learning like Cambridge, Princeton, and Brandeis.

    To answer tough questions like “How reliable is the New Testament?”, “Does evidence of Jesus exist outside the Bible?”, “Is there any reason to believe the resurrection was an actual event?”
    I found this book captivating not to mention riveting and in the end it certainly boasted my level of faith in Our Master!

    Strobel also has a whole series of christian investigative material out there, some of which are; “The Case For The Creator”, “The Case For The Real Jesus”, “The Case For Faith” which is my next book to review. And finally the “Case For Christ Study Bible” which I recently purchased.

    It’s in easy to understand NIV print, very useful when comparing a word or verse to another Biblical source. The Case For Christ study bible contains all references from Strobel’s other literary works already mentioned. Really is a great companion for your chosen Bible version!
    God Bless, Rob

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  22. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Rob, I’ve read case for faith and case for Christ, and thought they were really good!

    Like

  23. I just want to leave a comment today. This is my first time checking the blog in a while, and I want to try to become more active. I have been praying and reading the scriptures more now than in the past, but this is still not where I want to be. I find myself feeling pressured by graduation standards at the moment, for this is my last semester in college.

    I want to be able to get to a place where I can come to the Lord every night regardless of what I have to do, but this homework keeps getting in the way. I wish I was a better planner, but that is not the case.

    My father just recently lost his job, and he is trying to start his own business. I wish I could help him, but my dad secretly said to me yesterday “son, if I do not ramp up the sales for my business, than we are going to go broke really fast.” my part time minimum wage job will not cover the expenses we need for the house hold.

    All of this stress is coming down to me in my last semester of college. I feel like in three months this will be the case: find a real livable job or loose the apartment my dad and I live in. All of these stress signals are contributing to a want to crossdress, but the Lord has kept me from actually crossdressing. I want to look at the positives in my life from now on, because the negatives always bog me down with worries and money troubles. I have nothing else to say at this moment, for I composed this comment out of stress midway through the night. I know I will be ok, but I think God wants me to be more active on this blog. Perhaps God wants me to be active on my own blog as well.

    From,
    Jonathan
    California

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  24. thorin25 says:

    Thank you so much for the post. So sorry to hear about your father losing his job. Such a difficult thing for you to both to deal with. And I know how much stress and worry contributes to temptation. Stay strong. Remember that giving in is only going to add to your stress and worry, with more stress and with guilt. Stay strong, feel positive about the sanctification God is taking you through, stay positive about how you are beating temptation, and how you are growing in your prayer life. And keep praying for your dad. I will pray right now too

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  25. robmilliken says:

    Hey Brothers! I haven’t contributed too, nor checked in for at least a year but thanks for keepin’ me on your email roster and in your prayers! You guys are in my prayers and thoughts.. I won’t promise to check in every Saturday? Unless the check in day has changed? Why? Well Christ freed us from the law and as we shouldn’t have to experience guilt should we miss church. So we shouldn’t have to feel guilty because we miss a check in. But I will give ya’all honest transparency as directed by scripture, when I’m available. Much has happened in the past year of my being off this groups radar. I’m finally separated and living with my gf who is also born again. I know what you’re thinking but we have agreed to abstain from physical contact until I’m divorced, though this sounds like a farce it’s true. Pastor Thorin’s correct, the longer one goes without physically CD’ing the easier it becomes to refrain from. But like all my brothers in this group I still battle daily CD fantasies that the enemy inserts into the mind. Thankfully we serve a mercifully gracious Savior whose love is totally incomprehensible! And in whom we can rest assured our worst sins, our bad decisions, and our jaded hearts can find forgiveness and rest. When I first accepted Christ at age 15 in August 1971. One of my first experiences as a new kid in Christ, was becoming aware of a debate within the body of Christ. Regarding those Christians that believe they can loose their salvation should they habitually and or deliberately sin. And those Christians that believe in “once saved, always saved”. This debate which both sides have ample scripture references to back up their claims. Was one reason I slowly “backslid”, eventually taking a 37 year vacation from God, until He rescued me from my depraved lifestyle. Though decades have passed I found the same old tired debate was still raging when I recommitted my life to Christ in March 2013. I felt the Holy Spirit directing me once again to the rock solid Biblical teaching of Dr. Charles Stanley. In his book entitled “Eternal Security-Can You Be Sure”. Dr. Stanley puts the question of once saved always saved to rest Praise God! Which is great news for us recovering CD’s that sadly fall prey to the enemies temptations. God’s promise of eternal salvation doesn’t offer us a “get outta jail free” card regarding occasional or repeated sin. Because after all if we truly have a personal relationship with Jesus, we’re gonna be disguisted and desire to repent when we sin. But what it does mean is Jesus isn’t in the business of offering His free loving gift of eternal life which was paid for once and for all time on the cross at Calvary! I’ll keep you my brothers in prayer and ask for your continued support!!
    God Bless, Rob

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  26. thorin25 says:

    Thanks Rob, great to hear from you! It sounds like in many ways you are doing quite well, both at resisting CD, and enjoying God’s grace and fellowship with him. That is wonderful. You are welcome to check in with us as often or as little as you like in our email prayer chain. There are no set rules about checkins. You can do 1 a week, or 0. Not sure where you got the idea we had to check in on Saturdays 🙂 Are you planning on marrying this new girlfriend? Praying that God gives you wisdom and guidance

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  27. Andrew says:

    Wonderful to hear from you Rob! I am happy for your new relationship and for clearing it up for anyone who might have doubts about their salvation. I also have believed that in having that twinge in our spirit shows that we do know our Savior not so that we can get into Heaven but that we do in fact know in our heart that we have sinned in whatever way we have sinned. We repent out of that sense that tells us that we have sinned against our Father. It is where we know that we screwed up, lost that closeness and joy away from our friend Jesus. We are not saved just to go to Heaven, but we are saved for the NOW season of our life. We don’t do out of obligatory response but rather to say thank you Lord for everything you are and will be in my life.
    One of the best quotes from CS Lewis is the following:

    “[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”
    C.S. Lewis

    Bless you Brother (feel free to call me anytime)
    Andrew

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  28. scooby456 says:

    I started wearing womens panties and bra’s when i was 13,i found it very comfatable and sexy.im now 40 and when at home i dress fully in womens clothing

    Like

  29. thorin25 says:

    Scooby, ok. Why are you sharing this with us? Would you like to stop dressing?

    Like

  30. Michael says:

    I’m a submissive married crossdresser. My wife knows of my crossdressing, but does not participate or encourage me in any way. I keep my body and legs smooth shaven, and would love for my wife to encourage, better still, order me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis, as I keep my legs so feminine. She could even tease me about my crossdressing, calling me her feminine “husband bitch”. Thus; I would enjoy her dominant nature in our marriage. Also; I’ve always had the secret desire for her to openly flirt with other men, and be in an intimate relationship with another man. I’ve had this fantasy and thoughts since before we were married, but never knew how to tell her, as I didn’t want her to think I didn’t love her. She’s one fantastic woman. So much I could tell her, especially my CD fantasies, which would be of no interest to her. Maybe too little, too late for now.

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  31. thorin25 says:

    Michael, why are you here? Would you like to stop crossdressing? If you are here just to share your fantasies, those are not welcome. We don’t need to hear it. If you would like to discuss how to actually love your wife the way God wants us to love our wives, then you are in the right place. Tell me why you are here

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  32. Temptedsinner says:

    Michael,
    My wife also was aware of my cross dressing since before we were married. My fantasies ran very deep and like yours. There is plenty of on-line fodder to feed this segment of CDism.
    My question to you is….. If she, in your opinion is “one fantastic woman” why are you leaving her so alone? She must love you a great deal. Do you know how hard that is to find in this twisted world of ours?
    With only a few years of sobriety from crossdressing and masturbation I am beginning to see how very alone I had left her in favor of my fetish and fantasies. How very alone I was in these same misguided dreams. Sure, I had “friends” online with similar interests but in truth, I was alone with my keyboard. I had to hide so much of me from my wife. I’m not talking about my clothes, files or on line history. I’m talking about the me that God created that I now see I was even hiding from myself.
    However it is that you happened to come to this blog of healing, I hope and pray that you can see it as a sign. A gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit, asking you to love your wife more and your self-made girlfriend less. I’ll bet that your wife is waiting for you. Waiting for the man who courted her, who she fell in love with. I guarantee that God is waiting patiently for you also.
    You can walk out of the pink fog my friend. Peace awaits both you and your wife.

    Temptedsinner

    Liked by 1 person

  33. DJ Waters says:

    So much gender confusion out there. A lot of it is being indoctrinated in kids in schools. My middle son paints his nails and my youngest colors his hair bright colors. This concerns me. They already know what the Bible says about all of it, cause I’ve shared it with them, but they seem unaffected by it. Not sure what to do. I don’t want to read into something that is not there, but don’t want to ignore something that needs attention either. Thanks for starting this blog. I know God is faithful and I am so praying for them. Is this just a phase, confusion, or what?

    Like

  34. thorin25 says:

    DJ, thanks for the post. It’s really hard to know what to say or how to best help you. But I will pray that God guides you and comforts you.

    A few random thoughts:
    1. The fact that they do these things in public without hiding them could mean it’s just a phase or just a thing to do, and not really “crossdressing.” A crossdresser generally tries to look like a girl, or a woman. They live in a culture where trends of dress and fashion for girls and boys is changing a lot, partly from the gender bending in our culture. I’m not saying this is good. But it makes it less a cause for concern. They could be just doing it for fun, and in their minds something like painting nails, shouldn’t be limited to girls. Whereas in our generation, it would be limited to girls. Dress for men and women has changed alot over the centuries and in different cultures, and it will continue to change.

    2. Don’t jump to conclusions, don’t worry, you’ve talked to them, keep seeing how things go. Even if one of them is actually gay, or transgender, or developing a crossdressing fetish, there is probably nothing you can do to stop it. These things happen, through no fault of your parenting. If one of your boys did develop with one of those proclivities, just keep loving them, keep guiding them, be patient, and you can help them think it through when the time comes, if they ever share more with you. Make sure you love them in such a way that they won’t fear sharing something like that with you in the future, but that you would be the first one they would want to go to, then you can help them think about how to live as a Christian, without giving in to those desires, while at the same time affirming them and loving them unconditionally.

    3. Be watchful without being paranoid. Expect that things are fine, but keep being watchful. Talk to them about serious things in life, without fear, and without making them feel like such topics are too serious or taboo. Talk about sex, men and women, pornography, etc.

    4. You can teach a biblical worldview to them without directly attacking what they are learning in school (though you should indeed be worried about the worldview they are learning there). The big danger is not any one thing they learn at school, but the whole package. The whole package of idolatry and relativism. Youth in our culture learn that there is no universal morality, no real right and wrong. They learn to trust yourself and be yourself, contrary to what God says about ourselves being broken and our hearts twisted in need of redemption. They learn to love themselves and their brokenness, rather than going to God for salvation, healing, and sanctification to become more perfect and holy. They learn that they are supposed to make their own identity, however they want, rather than receiving an identity from the Creator of all things. You get very little time with them, than what they get with the culture from school, televisions, friends, etc. So find whatever ways you can to keep teaching a biblical worldview. Have talks together. Read the Bible as a family every day after meals and talk about it. Talk about how you are different from non-Christians, without directly attacking their friends. Just some ideas

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  35. DJ Waters says:

    “Thank you so much for your response which is chock-full of wisdom, understanding and encouragement. Your response was super helpful and challenging as sometimes it feels like I\’m walking a tightrope between loving them while trying not to condone things that seem or are wrong, and still trying not too be too critical or judgmental and alienate them. They naturally and by God\’s many graces are loving, respectful, and respectable young men. Yet, I know that God in His Infinite Goodness and majesty will continue to give me the grace to carry on and do what\’s required of me. I am trying to find a way to integrate a Bible reading time into our hectic and busy schedule.

    Thank God they still attend church with me. I have been firm about this in the past and have made it a requirement that as long as they are living under my roof, they will attend. Their father suffers from clinical depression and had a drinking and smoking addiction and in many ways has not been there for them emotionally while they were growing up. But God will make the wrong things right and will continue to shelter, guide and direct them as I continue to stand in the gap for them.

    May God bless you profoundly for all your helpful and wise insight and support! Have a very blessed Sunday!

    DJ

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  36. thorin25 says:

    Thank you DJ. Reading your 2nd comment, I’m thinking it probably doesn’t help that they don’t have a mature father figure. I don’t know enough about child psychology, but maybe they are identifying more with you and femininity, because they fear their father or something? I really don’t want to say too much because I really don’t know all the psychology, but on the one hand it would be bad to try to force them to be super masculine, on the other hand it’s probably also bad to not help them learn from other boys and men. Maybe they could join a group with other boys/men to help fill up what they are missing from their father. A church youth group, including male youth leaders was vital to my own growth and development. Other activities could be sports teams with a coach, boy scouts, etc.

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