Questions, Requests?

This page is a chance for you to ask me specific questions or suggest things for me to write about.  I’m not an expert, but I hope I have a few good things to say.  Just comment below.

I reserve the right to say “I don’t know”   🙂

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212 comments on “Questions, Requests?

  1. thorin25 says:

    There is still a difference though. For me, when I wear any of my male clothing, it is not because of a felt “need.” The suitcoats I could give or take. I like looking good, but they are not necessarily comfortable. I definitely feel no compulsion to wear them

    Honestly, it sounds like you still have a compulsion if not to wear the female clothes, then the male clothes that are the most similar. I would challenge you that something can still be going on, sexual or otherwise, even if erection is not there.

    Try an experiment to prove to yourself and all of us. Go for 2 weeks without wearing any of those things. If you find yourself thinking about it alot or having issues, then clearly the clothes still have a hold on you besides being comfortable.

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  2. AnonCD says:

    I can try that experiment.

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  3. TJ Smith says:

    Going incognito on this one. Okay, I’ve had a long struggle with this in my life. Now, to try and make my story as condensed as possible. About 20 years ago I was out of clean underwear and my mom made me wear my sister’s. Realizing how different my sister’s were to my boring old white undies I, very rarely, would poke around her’s.

    Now, I have worn a few dresses and skirts in my time. I also have done plenty of masturbating while wearing girls clothes. I have even pretended I was a girl while doing so. I know how powerful the connection between crossdressing and masturbating is. This is the biggest side of it that I struggle with. I don’t necessarily see a problem with masturbation, while it is kinda a dirty act, and it can lead to other things, I don’t feel it’s a bad thing to do. I also don’t do it all the time, but it has gone in waves of times I would do it more frequently, like daily, and times where I could go weeks without touching myself in that manner.

    Now, onto the dressing. I know I’m not able to be a woman. I know I’m not one. I know that clothing departments are divided by “men’s” and “women’s” clothes. Thing is, I can see clothing in stores and think “Why can’t I wear that?” is it a directive of God or of man as to why I can’t wear something just because I have an outie and the ones it’s made for have an innie between their legs?

    Like, I like comfortable, cute, fun underwear. I don’t necessarily want “sexy” underwear, just fun underwear. Why should I be so limited because of what’s between my legs? I’ve not seen men’s underwear that’s in the cuts that I like at nearly as affordable a price as the women’s underwear with similar enough cuts. I also tend to like the way the women’s underwear I’ve worn fits me more than the men’s underwear I have.

    In other things, the socks I wear I’ve not felt any cut quite the same in the men’s section. They are plain white socks, but they fit me better than anything else I’ve tried. They come from the women’s section. Because they are “women’s” should I not wear them?

    Moving to outer clothing. I like clothing that tends to be more form fitting. I tend to be more into what’s seen more as feminine patterns. It’s hard for me to feel like I’m able to find patterns and such I like in men’s sections of stores. Also, I feel like there’s more flexibility in women’s clothing as to ways to combine different elements through things like layering that I don’t typically see in men’s clothing.

    I’ve never liked men’s swim trunks. They feel way too baggy, way too wet, and just overall something I hate seeing myself in. I’ve been in girl swim shorts though and have liked them a lot better. They don’t feel like I’m wearing a huge amount of excess fabric. I know Speedos are a thing, but I’ve never found myself interested in the patterns they have. Their patterns just don’t appeal to me. What is wrong with me, assuming I find one with proper coverage, wearing something more fun and colorful that just happens to be marketed to women?

    Moving on to other things, I’m not into the idea of makeup or painting nails, but why is body hair removal seen as something only women are allowed to do? Why should I be expected to have a coat on my legs when I like seeing my legs without that coat?

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  4. thorin25 says:

    Thanks for the question. The problem is with all of your questions and women’s clothing that you want to wear, is that you are sexually drawn to those things. I’ve gone through all of those rationalizations before. In my opinion, you are drawn to those clothes for sexual reasons, and yet you are trying to find rationalizations for why it is okay. You have to look at your motivations. You can’t look at what would technically be okay for a normal man. Is it that the clothing is really that comfortable compared to men that it’s consuming all your time and focus because you want that comfort? I doubt it. If it was just about fabrics and comfort, you wouldn’t be on this site hoping for rationalizations for what you want to do. Realize I’m not criticizing you. We’ve all been there. But the motivation is not truly a good one.

    Here is a post on what I’m saying – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/they-are-just-clothes-right/

    For other reasons why giving in to crossdressing will mess up your life, see this post – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/summary-of-why-crossdressing-is-sinfulharmful/

    Please keep discussing, would love to continue to dialogue.

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  5. TJ Smith says:

    Thing is, what about all the times I have worn the clothes and actually leave the house. Go about my business as any other person would? Like, it’s hard for me to tell if my sexuality and dressing are so intrinsically linked that I can’t get off without a pair of panties on just because I have worn panties for so long.

    In reality, the clothing doesn’t tend to consume all my time. It’s not like I lock myself away and spend hours masturbating while wearing the most frilly thing I can every single day. Besides my panties, I forget the last time I’ve actually worn any female clothing. I don’t even remember the last time I actually masturbated. I know it was during this summer…I just couldn’t give you a week or month count.

    I have read a few of your posts on how, when women first started wearing pants in modern culture, it was considered crossdressing. Now women lead worship in jeans. In a way, I don’t like the word “crossdressing” because it implies that I’m creating a new personality for myself as a woman.

    I don’t want to be a woman, I understand however that women have a lot more flexibility and would like the same flexibility. Women literally have the entire store available to them. If I saw a woman wearing a men’s flannel, I wouldn’t think she was crossdressing. Same with a pair of men’s boxer shorts. Women can easily pull off men’s clothing and no one bats a eyelid (well, maybe they do, but they tend to accept it and move on).

    What makes something different just because some clothing designer decided it was a women’s design or a men’s design?

    While I have used fake names on sites before, even a girly name, it ultimately felt wrong for me to do so and I have stopped that. It actually feels wrong for me to use a fake name to post to this site, I just do so for the sake of anonymity.

    Also, I’m definitely not looking for ways to keep it going in my life, I want to have crossdressing out of my life, it’s just that, what counts as crossdressing? Where is the line drawn? Is it a “all-or-nothing” deal where even (plain white, technically sold in the women’s section, fits me better than anything I’ve worn before) socks or a (technically sold under the header of) women’s band t-shirt or women’s Vans shoes aren’t allowed?

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  6. TJ Smith says:

    Another thing I’ve thought of, in my church, I know a number of people who are “closet drinkers.” That is, they drink, they have the stuff in their house, they’ll get drinks out occasionally. The largely conservative interpretation of scripture, however, is one of abstaining from alcohol, not having a glass with a meal.

    Like, I live in the southern US. Here in my area it seems like most men where some form of flannel type shirt, wear jeans, and tend to grow beards. The men who don’t are typically either wearing t-shirts, pants for work, or clean shaven because of work dress codes. Very cookie cutter, very limited. Obviously anyone who presents themselves in a less typical manner of this area, like say in skinny jeans and layered, kinda girly almost tops, is going to be seen as abnormal, maybe even “wrong.”

    Like, I’ve had people think of me as weird for not being into the popular music of the time or not being the most masculine of guys. Like, how are you supposed to react when the culture around you kinda pushes you to the side for just liking different things? Naturally you’re going to fall into a closet of sorts. Naturally any thing that feels kinda good while in that closet will become comforting. Naturally any type of real or virtual connection that makes you feel less like a freak is welcomed.

    If all the teaching you receive about being a man is that your happiness doesn’t matter in the marriage, your happiness doesn’t matter in jobs, your happiness doesn’t matter in the eyes of God and your whole life has had a lot of moments that reinforce you seemingly failing as a man, what other option is there?

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  7. thorin25 says:

    A lot of what you are saying I agree with, and is technically correct. Men’s clothing choices are limited compared to womens, clothing styles for men and women do slowly change over time, etc. But again, what is your real motivation? I know that is tough to answer, as you said, you are wondering if it is sexual or not, and you aren’t convinced.

    Two things to consider: 1. The fact that you were a crossdresser for sexual reasons at least in the past, is a good indicator that there could still be something going on sexually, even without an erection. 2. Take it from and tons of other guys here who have used the same rationalizations before to keep the addiction going.

    I also find it hard to believe that the stuff in the women’s department really fits you so much better than anything in the men’s. Whether or not the women’s garments feel more comfortable, they are made for a different body shape than yours or mine. I don’t want to argue about that. I’m just letting you know I’m skeptical.

    I’m not sure what teaching you are getting from your church, but men should be able to be as happy as women in marriage and in work and in life. There is nothing in Scripture that says men are supposed to be more miserable than women. Furthermore, while you and i might desire more colorful or sensual clothing, the vast majority of men are not feeling like they are suffering for their limited clothing choices. Maybe you and I feel that way, but they don’t. So don’t assume your suffering is also their suffering.

    If you read those others posts I gave to you, then please read these as well.
    They address the kinds of things you are talking about –
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/crossdressing-without-sexual-component/

    Then read this post, which could help you to discover what kind of needs you are trying to meet through the crossdressing beyond sexual needs –
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/an-alternative-method-integration-and-contentment/

    It could be that the clothing gives you emotional comfort, if so, ask the “why” question. It could be that the clothing gives you a thrill, like for many crossdressers. It could be that the clothing is just physically comfortable and therefore comforting, or sensual, but there are men’s clothes if you look made of comfortable materials, even if you have to specially order them. What makes you so drawn to the women’s department?

    Anyway, read those posts and let’s keep discussing. God bless you and thank you for the good dialogue

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  8. TJ Smith says:

    The “comforting” aspect is probably more akin to what I experience 85% of the time dressed. And I’m not saying the clothing is a perfect fit by any stretch. I’ve tried on clothes and thought I looked ridiculous in them despite the fact that I loved the way it looked on the shelf or hanger. I know that is a thing women fight as well though, not looking the way they want in clothes.

    Out of curiosity I just did a search for men’s bikini briefs. Some of the patterns I saw I did like, but I felt like, while on Google, I was looking through a fetish magazine for men. Even then, the more normal ones were like a much larger chunk of change compared to what I can pay to get a lot more equally as nice pairs of women’s bikini briefs and not feel like I’m supporting some weird gay fetish site. Also, the patterns printed on the fabric just look so much nicer to me.

    Like, some of my sexual kick in the distant and near past has been over the idea of “it” being “forbidden” to do what I’m doing. For the most part, however, even thinking back to teenage and pre-teenage years, I’ve never fully had the sexually perverted mind that I hear is supposed to have been so common in adolescence for all guys. I’ve masturbated more in my adult years than I ever thought to in my teen years.

    One thing I thought of as a reason as to why I have masturbated more in my 20s than my teens has to do with more of “allowing” myself to think sexually. In my teens I was focused so much on being the good kid that didn’t do anything wrong that thinking sexually felt wrong. Now it feels wrong, but for a different reason not directly related to the idea of crossdressing, just in that I feel disgusting after masturbating some times even if I’m not wearing any clothes…

    I’m definitely not saying most men are suffering for limited clothing choices. Most men probably don’t put much thought into what they put on in the morning to be perfectly honest. I know I fall into that a lot of just wearing the same pair of jeans and grabbing a different t-shirt. I feel like I get away with that because I’m a guy though. I do like having that option most days. Thing is, most of what I see when I Google things like “men’s fall style” comes across as either potentially flagging me as gay (cause showing an interest in fashion makes you so gay) or as a hipster.

    Thing is, I know clothing styles shift over time. Problem is, if clothing styles for men shift to “allow” men to wear almost anything women wear, it’d likely be at a time where I wouldn’t be able to experience dressing like a young person. In both men’s and women’s fashion there’s enough rules that keep changing on what’s in and out and what age is too old for certain things from people who supposedly “know better.”

    Like, I have a hard time accepting that notion that I have freedom in Christ if the contents of my closet or dresser are supposedly wrong. Like that I’m not a true Christian if I’m not willing to give this up. I know someone who has brought up before that churches spend a lot of time preaching on sex and drugs & alcohol but won’t say a peep on the idea of gluttony and in fact kinda promote it. Like, all three of those fall into the selfish, destructive desire area, don’t they? If it’s okay for a Christian to overeat sometimes and that not be called into question, why is the idea of masturbating sometimes? Or wearing particular clothes?

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  9. TJ Smith says:

    Something else that comes to mind, not clothing related, but more things that women do that men seemingly don’t. I’ve seen Bibles with a teal cover, ones with purple covers, a lot of different covers than just the hard cover, brown/burgundy tone cover, or black covers that I see most men carry (who still carry one).

    I really like a lot of them, and would carry one if it weren’t something that would raise a lot of questions. Like, why are women the only ones who are allowed to have a colorful Bible? Same with bags. I carry a laptop sometimes and have a rather utilitarian feeling bag that is rather bland in design. Kinda gray and black pattern with black contrasts. My iPad is the “space grey” color. While I like space grey for Macs and iPads better than rose gold, largely from a utilitarian perspective it just seems cleaner, I feel like I am disallowed from even thinking about rose gold any thing.

    I just feel like being a guy I’m so restricted in ways of self-expression around people I know.

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  10. thorin25 says:

    I think I mentioned in the post I told you to read, but I have purposefully allowed myself to enjoy things such as having a flower background on my computer, or wearing a purple/pink shirt, things like that. Things I should be allowed to enjoy as a man, but not actually female clothing. Enjoying them as a man, rather than trying to look like a woman. Let people think what they want.

    You said –
    “Like, I have a hard time accepting that notion that I have freedom in Christ if the contents of my closet or dresser are supposedly wrong. Like that I’m not a true Christian if I’m not willing to give this up. I know someone who has brought up before that churches spend a lot of time preaching on sex and drugs & alcohol but won’t say a peep on the idea of gluttony and in fact kinda promote it. Like, all three of those fall into the selfish, destructive desire area, don’t they? If it’s okay for a Christian to overeat sometimes and that not be called into question, why is the idea of masturbating sometimes? Or wearing particular clothes?”

    Are there hypocrites in the church? Sure! Of course. But their hypocrisy does not change whether or not crossdressing is a sin, or whether or not it is good for you. And not all Christians are hypocrites on those things. I’ve preached about gluttony and hypocrisy and pride, etc. Don’t worry about the hypocrites. The fact that you are bringing them up makes it sound like you are saying you should be allowed to sin because they sin. That’s not a good argument.

    Not a true Christian if not wiling to give this up? We should be ready to give up anything for Christ. To me, the fact that it is so terribly difficult for you to give up these panties or other things is telling, and should tell you something. Again, if they were just for physical comfort, it would not be so difficult. There are Christians giving up their lives for following Christ, or losing their jobs because of refusing to give in to bad practices. Or losing friendships. If you really aren’t sure whether wearing them is good or bad, why not err on the side of not wearing them, to be sure you are following Christ? The only loss, you say, is a tiny bit of physical comfort. But yet it is so terribly difficult for you to give them up, and you keep discussing with me and reading online, and thinking deeply about it, which tells me that you have a real “need” for wearing them that goes beyond physical comfort. Which means these pieces of fabric, this underwear, has a hold on you. You talk about freedom in Christ, to be able to wear this clothing. Honestly, you sound like you are a slave to this clothing without realizing it. I speak in love. But I’ve talked to enough guys like you, and I know my own tendencies. That I really think that is the case.

    If it’s just about physical comfort, would you really take the risk of possibly sinning, possibly reigniting your crossdressing addiction, possibly having someone find out and ostracize you, etc. if it was just physical comfort? When a normal person wants to wear comfortable clothes, they usually would not go through such extreme risks to do so. They might even choose clothes that are more uncomfortable just because they are easier to purchase or cheaper.

    Again, it seems there is a lot more going on than mere comfort. And I’m not sure how panties could be more comfortable when you have a penis that surely does not fit that well in there. What is the physical comfort? The type of fabric? The snugness? You can get male underwear that fits snugly. Or if you prefer loose, you can get boxers. The design? When do you even have time to look at the design or the color?

    I’m just trying to help. Please don’t feel like I’m attacking you. Please think through what I’m saying.

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  11. TJ Smith says:

    To be honest, if I found something that didn’t require me to special order (especially from fetish sites, I refuse to order anything that is made more for fetish use) that had a similar cut and similar enough patterns to the women’s panties that I have but are sold “for men,” I’d be all for it. You ask about the design, yes, I don’t spend all day looking at the design of what’s in my pants. There are times, however, like going to the bathroom or in times of undress that I see it. Why should I not like what I see then?

    One could definitely say that I have a high-functioning addiction, but it’s largely a question to me of if it’s an “addiction” as defined by God or if it’s an “addiction” as defined by man. In terms of things that are still considered “crossdressing” in some circles, less than 50 years ago girls could still get punished for not wearing a dress to school. Less than half of that time ago, female senators were still expected to wear skirts. There still are a number of churches that, at the lightest, frown heavily upon the idea of a female member in a pair of pants.

    My definition of crossdressing typically includes the making oneself seem more like the opposite sex. That is, in my case, not the case. I don’t want to be seen as a woman. I just want to wear the clothes if I so get the whim, to have the ability to go with the “girl” version of something if I can’t find the “guy” version. (In my researching of fashion, watching videos on YouTube, I have heard a number of times girls talking about buying a men’s shirt at a thrift store or buying a men’s scent or buying the men’s version of something).

    I do think the risks are kinda high in what I’m doing even with my underwear choice. Thing is, why does it always seem like men who may occasionally wear women’s clothing are the ones who are targeted when it comes to crossdressing related stuff? Is it because women can’t crossdress anymore because they’ve absorbed all the items men can wear? That’s what it feels like to me. Realistically, it feels like women have a version of every item a man can wear, suits, boxers, shoes, anything that previously was “male exclusive” is now available in a female form.

    Take that and turn it around, when the “male romper” was “announced” earlier this year, it met with huge ridicule from a lot of conservatives. It was ridiculed as much as the “man bun” is. Like, at the lightest it was just not taken seriously. At its worst, it was seen as an emasculating of men, an example of what’s wrong with this world, that type of stuff.

    Now, I admittedly sometimes have an addictive (and I was diagnosed with ADHD, don’t know how that plays into it) personality. Like I’ll take two of something when I should probably only take one. If something crosses my mind, it can get stuck there for a while. I push on, but I always get brought back in the quiet times along with that song I heard not this morning but two weeks ago and a weird, funny line from a movie I haven’t seen in months or years.

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  12. thorin25 says:

    TJ, ultimately it’s your decision to do what you want to do. Know that you are welcome to keep reading my posts and discussing with me. There are a lot of interesting posts I have written, and articles I have shared. Some might help you

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