Wives of Crossdressers Chat

This page was made upon request, for wives of crossdressers to have a place for discussion. There are other forums for crossdressers’ wives on the net, and I’ve linked to some of those on my links page. This page is intended to be a place where wives can support one another, give advice, pray for one another, and discuss these complicated issues. Since there are other general forums out there, this page will be mainly intended for those wives who view crossdressing as sinful or unhealthy, and for those wives who are Christians.  But all wives of crossdressers should feel very welcome to comment and discuss here.

I cannot add a forum into my site, so you will just have to comment and reply as one long thread. If you are a new user, I usually can approve you within a day or two.  I hold all email addresses with confidentiality, but for those of you who are rightly worried about security and anonymity, it’s easy to make a new email address with anonymous names, which you could do before commenting here.  If you have ideas about editing the description above, or have other ideas for this page, let me know.

I highly suggest you read this post which is for people trying to help those struggling with crossdressing, with a special long section especially directed to you wives – Giving pastoral care to a crossdresser or transgendered person

 

*Please do not post your email in the body of the comment itself. It is important to protect yourself from spam and potential harassment by never publicly posting your personal information (such as your email address) on this or any other blog. Rest assured that I will keep your email address confidential.
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1,194 comments on “Wives of Crossdressers Chat

  1. thorin25 says:

    Here I am again, thank you so much for that testimony. I am the author of this site, and I highly encourage your husband to join our prayer group if he is serious about giving up this sin and addiction – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/
    Please talk to him about it. We know what he is going through and can give him the help he needs

    I fully agree you need a counselor that isn’t encouraging destruction and sin. Run away from that one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. marielee930 says:

    Hi! I once stepped into this chat space as “standing on the rock”…back again under new name. CD wife…hope to resume dialogue with you that started under one of Thorin’s excellent blogs. There I spoke of not recognizing the man I’d married in my husband anymore, as true to Thorin’s blog, he’d sacrificed so much of his manhood, former devotions and character to his cross dressing idol. You wondered if you’d ever really known your husband from the beginning. I’ve wondered the same. But the best I can understand is that my husband was struggling more than I knew at the beginning of our marriage with thoughts and fantasies of CDing, though not actually acting on it much if any. He seemed very devoted to the Lord and to me, though moody and irritable for reasons I couldn’t figure out…though I was always trying and praying. Fast forwarding many years, and with the help of all the CD sites that became available to further feed the fantasies, he finally got to the point that he had to act on it no matter how it affected me. Fast forward some more, we now live in a culture and political climate that encourages and applauds every perversion of God’s designs. We have “churches” that hold the title of Christian, but deny God’s power to transform us to be more like Christ. (Sorry if I’m preaching to the choir here.) Maybe if my husband had connected with a site like this earlier, things would have worked out differently. I don’t know. In his case, the idol overtook him and carried him away. I still pray for him, but he has hardened his heart.

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  3. nosillasite says:

    Hey Marielee930,
    Boy do I relate to you in a huge way.. Thanks for sharing that..I really don’t know where I stand with my husband, but I do know we love each other but my love for him has changed and hoping it can go back to the “in love” that once was.. It has to.. I hope so..
    My husband doesn’t act out, but if I go searching hard enough, I will find stuff around the house that feeds his CD’ing issues. My husband has been very open as of late because our sex life, well, we don’t have one. I’ve wondered and wondered and even though I knew about this “fetish” it became clear to me that it overtook him to the point where he doesn’t look at me sexually.. Now, he will kiss me, hug me, but I usually initiate that.. which is most men I believe after years of marriage.. We haven’t had sex For 12 years. But I have a special needs child that kind of put all of that on the back burner and raising him became full time for both of us in many ways.
    So, yes, it’s more closet, hidden, pretending it doesn’t exist kind of stuff. He knows how I feel, we’ve done 6 months of intense marital counseling because of this and my love for someone else I met along the way which was NOT expected at all.
    I’m still in limbo yet pray everyday we continue to be our civil, friendly and affectionate selves around our kids till they move on in their lives.. My son is autistic and is 14, my daughter is 16..
    I wish you alot of luck on your road. My husband and I do participate in worship team, praise band, which keeps us going.. that’s about it. Don’t know honestly where I’m at with any of it. Thanks for sharing your story.. God Bless..

    Nosillasite

    Liked by 1 person

  4. thorin25 says:

    Any updates so we can keep praying for all of you?

    Like

  5. nosillasite says:

    Sure and thank you Thorin..

    On my end, I guess I would like continued prayers for healing in our marriage, for somehow our restoration in our marriage, to fall in love with my husband (only because I am not in love with him but I do love him if that makes sense) To have GOD to continue to supernaturally work in our lives as we continue to worship with our band, etc… Continued sobriety of alcohol and drugs for my online friend and if I am in love with him, to help me snap back into reality that I cannot be for his sake. Help me to stay in a friendship mode and a friend in sobriety as originally intended from more of a distance till this is resolved in my head because I seriously am feeling lost about it. I am asking GOD to remove the feeling of loving two men.
    Prayers for God to forgive me of my wandering way being sexless for 12 years in my marriage and grateful this online person doesn’t live close to me although have known for 3 years.
    and prayers for if I ever end up happy with my husband again that my online friend has to have a happy and healthy relationship as well.. He is in my heart for life.

    God Speed and thank you… would you like prayers as well Thorin??

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  6. thorin25 says:

    Yes Nosilla, I will pray for all those things right now after typing this before I do anything else. Please pray for me for enough time to do all my ministry both day to day and ministry related to this blog and groups. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  7. nosillasite says:

    Prayers lifted Thorin25, and I do want to apologize for a long time ago when I wanted to start a group… my pure intention was to coincide us together but there really isn’t much to offer nor will people come out as much.. I continue to be loyal within your group and it’s resources.. and prayers are lifted right now for you.. God Bless

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  8. Confused CD Girlfriend says:

    CD girlfriend seeking advices from the CD wives…
    My CD boyfriend told me right at the beginning of our relationship about him into CD. I didn’t think it was a big deal and was prepared to get through it with him. I know that he has been avoiding CD as he knows that it is a sin against God. We are both devoted Christians actively serving at churches. However, recently he has told me that his affection to me has decreased… part of the reasons being I’m not the type of girls that likes to dress up and put on make up everyday. I’m not attractive for him and I wonder if it has something to do with him liking beautiful women’s clothes (which I only wear occasionally). So my two questions for the CD wives are:
    1) If you were to go back in time and knew about how it would be after marriage, would you still choose this path?
    2) What would you do if you were me?

    I am here because I care about my boyfriend. I know that everyone is struggling with something secretly. However, we are at the point that we might be breaking up and I wonder if I should fight hard to save this relationship or move on with my life. I appreciate your feedbacks!

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  9. thorin25 says:

    I’m not a CD wife, but as the owner of this blog, confused girlfriend, I have a few things to say. We crossdressers objectify women much as men objectify women through looking at pornography. You do not live up to his feminine standards. But his crossdressed self lives up to his feminine standards better than you. Because of this he feels annoyed and frustrated. He wants to quit crossdressing perhaps, but it’s hard when he is more attracted to his crossdressed self than you. I’m sorry to put it so crassly, but that’s what it is. But if he can learn to continue to resist crossdressing, you will grow more attractive in his eyes, and the crossdressing desires can lessen and lessen over time to some extent. I myself still at times really think about my wife doing more with makeup looking more feminine, etc. But I don’t push her at all anymore, because I know that it is not a healthy desire in many ways and I’m very attracted to her anyway. Pushing her to do things she isn’t comfortable doing is not good anyway, but additionally not good because it actually feeds my focus on the female accoutrements rather than her herself.

    To a reasonable level it’s good to try to dress attractively to your spouse, that is part of a loving relationship. And in some ways yes it can help him a excrossdressing husband to focus more on his wife than on the CD. But you shouldn’t have to do that for him, especially when only dating. He is either going to put CD aside and enjoy being attracted to you, or not. If he won’t do that, he’s not worth your time.

    I encourage you to read this post – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2015/11/04/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser-or-transgendered-person/

    He can still be a great husband even if he has crossdressing desires. But it all depends on whether he is 100% committed to fighting and healing from those desires, or if he is looking for excuses to give in. Some of the best men I know are in this blogging community, ex-crossdressers. Like you said, we all have issues. We all have sinful temptations. It’s whether we resist them or not that matters. So I wouldn’t run away just because of his crossdressing history. At least you know his issues, he’s been honest with you, and he can stay pure. That’s more than can be said for most boyfriends or husbands who have never shared their struggles with porn, etc.

    But I would not continue in the relationship if he isn’t fully committed to giving up CD, and also if he keeps pressuring you to dress in ways that are not comfortable to you. Hope that helps

    Liked by 1 person

  10. CD wife says:

    Hello Confused for the most part i agree with Thorin except i have learned at this late stage in my life not to cling to someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
    There is so much more to a loving relationship than clothes and make up and if this is one of the main reasons that his affection to you has decreased then what will happen as you get older ? Looks fade the good in someone hopefully does not.
    I would never advice someone to go or stay that is a personal choice and i don’t believe anyone would act on what i say !!! But what i will say is you deserve so much more to be cherished and respected for starters. But we often have to do a lot of work on ourselves to believe this.
    Please seek help for yourself to make the right choices you need to make.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Confused CD Girlfriend says:

    To Thorin and CD wife:
    Thank you for your honest feedbacks! They are very informative and are what I needed to hear. And thank Thorin for having this platform and resources available. I will try to communicate with boyfriend and see if he is fully committed to give up on CD. And I agree with CD wife in terms of not to cling to someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I guess there’s a small part of me secretly hope that it is this CD thing preventing him from being attracted to me, and maybe it’ll get better once he gets healed. I’ll continue to pray about it and see where God leads us. Thanks again for your time!

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  12. thorin25 says:

    Yes what CDwife is what I also had said. I had said, if he is not attracted to you, then leave him, he is not worth your time.

    But maybe he is really attracted to you, but just struggling with sinful thoughts at the same time. Men who are not excrossdressers also have trouble not lusting after other women and only focusing on their wife. We ALL have sinful temptations.

    You said, “once he gets healed.” Just make sure you are looking at this realistically, for example read – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/healing-doesnt-mean-no-more-temptations/
    Most likely there won’t be some big healing that will take this issue away from him. We struggle with it for a long time, probably for the rest of our lives. It is much worse than alcohol addiction in that way, in my opinion. The temptations stay in your face every day for the rest of your lives, sin is a click away on the computer, a wife’s closet away. It’s not easy. But he can find freedom from it, even if not all the desires go away

    Liked by 1 person

  13. CD wife says:

    Thorin i was so interested to see what you have said wow. I always say to other wives if i talk about myself that unlike an Alcoholic who can put down the drink when he decides enough is enough and he need never pick up a drink again but Porn and CD Addicts cannot just put down because there are triggers every where as you said just a click away and that is the terrible terrible thing about this. But i notice wives look at me blankly because they just don’t get this unless i’m talking in a COSA group.. So i’m so pleased to see you talk about it .
    Having said all this it is not an excuse not to fight this beast and claim recovery it’s just different and there is not so much support for various reasons shame being one of them.

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  14. nosillasite says:

    CD Girlfriend,

    Leave him now. I think it’s cool that he is open and honest with you even to the point of telling you that his feelings about you have decreased. Unless he gets help and feels you are worth it, he never will get the help and you will be struggling in your marriage.. Please, I am living proof. Save yourself from this. He needs extensive sex therapy that my husband still doesn’t think he needs.. It’s not worth it.

    Girlfriend, you have to be strong. My marriage has been sexless for 12 years because of this. My therpist and our marriage therapist has pointed out as well as my husband that IT IS NOT MY FAULT!! Please know whatever his issues are,,,, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Now if you like the feminine thing and he knows you’re accepting of this that’s a whole different ball game.. For me, I love my husband’s sensitive side always, and I stay next to him because we have two teenagers, but we still co habitate. I am hoping one day, somehow it can be different, and yes we both are members of our praise and worship teams and are christian.. I don’t see how crossdressing is christian though, and I don’t see how not having sex for 12 years in a civil marriage is christian, but I do know that we are hanging in there.

    Because you are so fresh and really not committed to a marriage I would do everything in my power to leave him. I’m sorry, as you know you trust him, but your worth as a married partner, if he continues, will go down the toilet as mine has.. I hope not, for your sake. There are plenty of MANLY christian men out there and of course, pray about this.

    I have strayed to an emotional online affair because of this. I was even told once by a counselor to go to bed with a strap on, flannel shirt, and crew cut and see how he likes it.. lol I find that hilarious, but of course I will never do that.

    Let’s please keep in touch as I feel the Lord is calling me to help you and we can help each other. Okay? God Bless You..

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  15. marielee930 says:

    Dear CD girlfriend, if I had known decades ago what anguish I would face along with my husband due to his cross dressing addiction, I would not have married him. No question about it. But since I did not know and DID marry him, I wouldn’t change my past, even if that were possible, because I would have missed having my wonderful children and loving relationships on my husband’s side of the family. I also don’t know if my relationship with God through Jesus would have grown as deep if I’d chosen to marry a healthier mate, who I may have been able to rely on mentally, emotionally and spiritually vs. casting myself at the Lord’s feet, and learning that He is my all in all. I so admire the men in this site who encourage each other in Christ’s love, and in the strength of the Holy Spirit to leave cross dressing. Unfortunately, my believing husband drifted the opposite way, and somehow became deceived in believing that cross dressing is sanctified by God’s grace. I think he grew exhausted from shame at failures and gave up the struggle. If only he accepted that struggling is evidence that the Holy Spirit is within, as otherwise our sin nature would always lead us. My advice is to break up with this particular boyfriend. Not because he is unworthy of love, and not because he is hopeless. But because you don’t give evidence that he is far along and dedicated to recovery from CDing, and because you needn’t be remantically involved with someone who’s already feeling less attracted (although thank God he was honest and told you). If you are experiencing any nigglings of doubt at the dating stage regarding his comittment to fighting a hard fight, perhaps life long, to leave cross dressing, RUN!

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  16. marielee930 says:

    Dear CD Girlfriend, I am relatively knew to this site, too! As the wife of a cross dressing husband for decades, if we had known how much heart break and anguish we would suffer in our marriage over the CD issue while we were dating, I think we would both have wanted to break up and run for our lives! We were both also dedicated Christians, he also confessed then that CDing was wrong, and I had reasons to trust him and also the power of the Holy Spirit to break any bondage. Long story short, I trust the Lord and the power of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer more than ever, but our story has not had a happy ending in terms of our marriage. He gave up struggling against it, and the CDing only escalated. If you were already married to a cross dresser my advice would be different. But though your boyfriend is of great value and worth, and if he continues in step with the Holy Spirit and whatever is required to be an over comer (like the men on this site who struggle together, and who I admire so much) he has every reason to have hope for his future, my advice to you is to break up with him. Continue your own walk with the Lord, and believe me, He is more than enough to fill up every need of yours. Keep seeking Him first, and He will fulfill the desires of your heart, Dear Heart.

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  17. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Confused CD Girlfriend,
    If I had known, I would not have married him. When he did tell me a little, about 25 years ago, I thought he was fighting it. But through the years it escalated, and he convinced himself there is nothing wrong with cd, and with middle age, it’s mostly destroyed our marriage. Sexless for over 10 years, after things I wish I didn’t see. And there is way too much deceit goes on. And false promises. Your boyfriend may say he doesn’t cd, and the next day he does and hides it from you. I hope he truly wants to quit, but what is he doing about it, like counseling, or joining this prayer group and reading these blogs?

    Liked by 2 people

  18. CD wife says:

    Sorry but the advice should be the same whether you are married or not. This is abuse and should not be tolerated. Stop hiding behind God because he would not want any of you to suffer.
    Seek help to make the right choices and stop making excuses for yourselves.
    Children should not be raised in this toxic environment you are just breeding the next generation of addicts.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. nosillasite says:

    And once again CD Wife,

    Not all CD household’s are alike. You cannot simply state everyone is making an excuse for themselves if you don’t know the whole story. My children are doing just fine, and my autistic son needs his father. Once again, he doesn’t act out in front of any of us and I am praying for healing in any way GOD sees fit. We have a harmonious relationship, just not in the bedroom. So please CD Girlfriend, take it from myself and the wives. This is your choice but you are better off not getting and staying involved as I agree with CD Wife in your situation, not the rest of us.

    God Bless You..

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  20. Clarissa says:

    Well I did not know my husband cross dressed for 25 years of marriage. All I can say if I known then what I know now I would’ve never ever married him ever

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Confused Girlfriend says:

    Thank you all for the overwhelming and honest responses. Basically everyone is telling me to run while I can. I’m not saying I won’t. However, I’ve witnessed Christian families with non-CD husbands but with other issues that put families in miseries or lonely widows without a husband at all. What I’m trying to say is that… I know that you might not necessary see it as a blessing, but from what I’ve read, many of you are being blessed with a best friend (not necessary a best husband), a good ministry serving partner, a good father of the children, and maybe a reliable financial provider. And these are what a lot of people are praying for and are not getting. I understand that there’s a lot more to a marriage than that, but still, just want to throw that perspective out there. Plus I see that you are all very strong women doing your best to hold the families together and I really admire your courage and faith. I feel like if you don’t have a CD husband, God would still place other challenges in your lives so that you would come out strong as you are now.
    As of me, boyfriend and I are still figuring things out as both of us are very confused now, but I’ll have an update when we have made any decision. Thank you so much again for the time and effort you’ve put in helping me to get a better idea of what lives might be like with a CD husband.

    P.S. I would really like to hear Clarissa’s story if you don’t mind sharing. Would you say the same thing about not marrying him if you don’t know that he’s into CD? Was it like a normal marriage life before it has been revealed? What is your story?

    Thanks again guys! Sending love and hugs to you strong moms and wives!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. thorin25 says:

    Confused girlfriend, I don’t really disagree with anything the other wives said necessarily. The best idea might be to run away. I would only say that IF, it’s a big if, IF a guy who has dealt with a crossdressing addiction is really committed to keeping faithful and pure, he could be a great guy to have a marriage with. My wife is fully aware of this blog and my desires, and she often tells me that she couldn’t imagine how I could be a better husband. I don’t say that to be proud or lift myself up. Just to say that it’s possible to fight these desires, like any other sinful desires (and we all have different ones), and still be a good spouse. My sense is that many of the guys in the prayer group we started through this blog also have really great relationships with their wives and that the wives view them as great husbands. (though plenty of broken marriages I could speak about as well).

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  23. nosillasite says:

    Confused Girlfriend,

    He is open and upfront with you now which is huge first of all.. I was under the assumption for me that it was all a harmless fetish which cost 12 of the 18 years we’ve been married, sexless.. Just so you realize, men that do this, at least my husband, does not look at me as a woman of desire. I realize sex isn’t the only thing in marriage.. That I agree with big time.. obviously, but it’s not only that as much as he desires himself sexually more than he desires you. That is fact. I’m sorry.. but that’s the truth. I make love to myself ALOT.. Now, I don’t know how biblical that is.. lol

    But, regardless of how I kid myself through the years, throwing myself in raising our autistic son, the bottom line is, I have needs. God gave us sexual needs. They should be met by our husbands.. When you try as long as I have and feel like an idiot each time you try to get intimate because there is neither any response, or an “I’m tired”, or “Why are you doing that?” or “Why are you looking at me like that?” They don’t get the social ques at all. They are into themselves too much.. If you plan to stay with him, you’re life will end up miserable no matter how long you go without it and no matter how much he says he’s going to get help.. His help for HIMSELF has to be top priority NOW! If he makes light of it, leave… be strong… seriously..

    I’ll continue to pray for you..
    God Speed

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  24. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Confused Girlfriend,
    I didn’t give the impression you see. My husband is NOT my best friend (I only wish), he has not been a good father in many respects…often ignored them, and my daughter feels he couldn’t care if she died, (though I would hope not true and I’m glad she lives…She has hurt the most of the kids, since we caught him having taken not only my undergarments, but hers also), he is now not coming to church even though when younger and hiding cd he was a song leader, and finances were horrible till oldest son joined the business. (On a side note, I’m wondering if many cd men are into music and art. That is a GOOD soft side. Only wish it was enough soft for them.) As far as friendship, as long as one lets an unrepented cd keep doing what he wants, he’ll be somewhat friendly, but after it escalates, try to say no to him, and he becomes an enemy. Other marriages can face loneliness and heartaches, too, it’s true, and it comes from selfishness and sin nature. But to start off with any unrepented sin just stacks more against a good outcome. I’m still here at the moment mainly because I don’t know what else to do. Some advise divorce (even Christian counselors), some say stay and look to Jesus. At this moment it’s eggshell peaceful, but I haven’t tried talking about anything for a few weeks. God Bless you to know God’s way for your life.

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  25. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Thorin and Confused Girlfriend,
    Probably one reason I’m still with my husband is I believe he Could be a good man, or else I keep hoping, or is it wishful thinking? I don’t know if his “nice” days are that he is cd under his clothes and thinks he’s getting away with it and purposely deceiving me, or what? It is hard for someone used to hiding to have an intimate relationship even in conversation. Yet I do believe that Christ Jesus can do wonders and save him from his sin, not only for heaven , but for now. Yes, we all sin, but it is extra hard to live with someone who doesn’t acknowledge sin as sin, who doesn’t see anything wrong. Thorin, please pray for us. Thank you for these blog sites.

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  26. thorin25 says:

    Hurting wife, it’s a terribly tough situation. I don’t know what to tell you to do. It is possible God will work in his life and you’ll see a big change, but there is no guarantee of that either. God does what he chooses to do, and he doesn’t always do what we want. Keep praying though.

    I have always said that divorce is awful, just terrible, an evil thing in this world. Yet, the Bible does give it some grounds for divorce, and a husband crossdressing and not repenting, I believe is legitimately sexual unfaithfulness. That’s why I tell wives to bring that up in the conversation, not to immediately threaten divorce, but to bring it into the conversation at least, so that the husband can have a reality check and hopefully repent and change.

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  27. Andrew says:

    Dear confused, I am sorry to hear about your situation and I know that this is not what you signed up for but the good news is that you can make the choice to get out of the relationship. I also am a strong believer and I praise God that I am in recovery from this sex addiction for lets just say 25 years. It has not been easy and is not easy for anyone to recover from this and without the Lord’s help it is impossible. As many have correctly stated, this is a very self-centered, selfish act and one in which the person is fighting in his mind sometimes every second of every day. Just yesterday a friend posted on FB a picture of 2 male models in garb that could only be termed as feminine even by todays standards. This is supposedly a new fashion statement for men!
    I know of no man that wear those clothes unless they had CD tendencies and I joked about it to my friend but the sad reality is that this world wants to blur the lines between sexes so that anything goes. As those lines get more blurry, it gets harder for men like me to say no, except that I know that if I truly want a relationship with Christ then to be in CD is incompatible with Him. I am 63 this May and have struggled with these demons since before I was 10 years old.

    When I finally screwed up the courage to tell another man it was during a group meeting when I confessed all. Then other men were led by the Spirit to confess their “secret” sins. That was over 25 years ago and I would love to tell you that it has been happy sailing since then but as I am sure you know, it hasn’t. I have been blessed to walk alongside some of the men who have come here since this blog started in 2011 and one thing I can say is that though our journeys are not all alike their are many similarities. You see, we want to stop but we don’t want to stop! We want accountability but we don’t want accountability. When we go into the world there are hundreds and thousands of messages that we get that say, “You are so brave”, and “You are doing the right thing”, reading papers that claim that we have to “accept” ourselves for who we are and if “it” bothers” or offends then it is “Their” problem! All of these are lies from the pit of hell but many including myself have just become so weary from this fight that we unfortunately have given in to this sin on more than one occasion. We then have gone through the hating of the sin stage and without accountability, feel better, and then the whole cycle begins again. We fail to see the road signs that warn us to be careful, call to someone, read, exercise, anything but give in!

    There are boundaries that we tell ourselves we would never do thus and so and little by little those boundaries get crossed until one day you are sitting there wondering if a sex change is right for you! I could almost see that as a commercial one day the way the world is going unfortunately. Except that a man or woman understand that these are choices that we make and that as believers we do have the choice to run to God or run to this sin and make the next right choice, then this sin will dog us forever. We will continue to have major wreckage in our life and we will be used by satan to carry out his bidding instead of God’s. I am 1 decision away from going right back to acting out any day of my life. Fortunately, with God’s help he led me here, there, and many other places to get out of this pit and I don’t wish to return EVER! He has restored my marriage and all my relationships and has blessed me with a passion for ministry to men (if you can believe that) that continually emphasizes that my identity is Christ. I want all my brothers and sisters to understand that when you want recovery more than you want the next breath and you will call out to the Lord then He will help you pull out of this deep, dark and dirty hole. We have to scratch and claw, break nails and fingers but there is a day when you are out and give all the glory to Him.

    I don’t know if that helps, but to Confused Girlfriend, I wanted to tell you all that so you will realize that if your boyfriend is serious about a relationship with you then there are things that you need to know. What he is doing is NOT in any way right and he has to come to grips with the fact that he just can’t have you and some other crap. You are so valuable to God and you must not just “settle” for this man unless he can prove that he honestly is willing to fight for recovery and by so doing show that he will fight for you. This is Pandora’s box and once opened it is extremely hard to close but close you must if you want the relationship to work. If you want my counsel for whatever it is worth, if he does decide to enter this fight for real, he will find many fellow travelers here and he will find support that he never knew existed before. That being said I still wouldn’t consider going into an engagement without him fighting this seriously for at least a year. These women here will be your best friends and allies if you decide to enter this fight and believe me that you will need them all.

    I am more than willing to help your boyfriend or any other if they make the decision to enter this arena and Thorin has my phone number if you want it. I am not any professional therapist just a guy that knows that you can’t do this alone and I want to see men healed.

    Blessings
    Andrew

    Liked by 2 people

  28. Andrew says:

    I just wanted to add that in 2013 I wrote the guest post called “Why Do I Do What I Do”. I wrote it based on the knowledge that one thing many CDs want to know is the Why? I believe that the model that has been outlined may help people to understand the why a bit more than the obvious “it’s sin”. I hope that it helps.

    Andrew

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Karen says:

    Confused Girlfriend, I (sadly) have to say that if I knew my husband’s CDing would go to the extreme that it has, I would not have married him. I did know he CD’d before we married, but at that time he was only into basic clothing and insisted he had no interest in going further – wigs, makeup, etc.) I think he truly meant that then. But CDing, from everything I’ve read and experienced, tends to progress. Had I known that it would become what it is now, I would not have married my husband. It is true that he now seems to love crossdressing more than he does me. I could live with that, perhaps, but the lack of sex is terribly hard. I feel like he is cheating on me and doesn’t truly love me. I think he is selfish and appreciates having me around, but he doesn’t love me as a husband should love a wife. I would never have known that earlier in our relationship; it truly was different early on. Typically, around mid-life, CDers become more involved in it…that is what has ruined our marriage as far as I can see. However, as some have said, my husband is a good friend and there are certainly other problems we might have that would be just as bad or worse. I am married to him now and at this point I intend to stay that way. I would encourage you to get out of the relationship while you can, but, as thorin and others have said, if your boyfriend is sincerely planning to STOP all crossdressing – if he will work here with the men on this site and truly and completely give it up – then I also believe God will help you and you can make it work. I will be praying for you, as I do for all the wives here.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Kat says:

    So life took a hard turn in the last week. My husband who I have always loved more than myself in many ways had purchased more clothing after purging the other ones after a fight. He somehow thinks in his twisted mind that I said it was ok for him to wear them in therapy to figure things out. I have never and would never say that. Then there are the lies and secrets that went along with the purchasing of those items. He used our credit card which I didn’t have access to the login for, figured it out by myself. He also had the items sent to work not the house and then wouldn’t respond to me when I asked why he used the credit card for Amazon and that nothing came to the house. The lies involved with this habit is so disgusting to me and I have lost all trust. I threw him out that day, but his mom called me and convinced me to allow him to come back home. I was weak and allowed it, but he has since been sleeping on the couch. I wish I had never allowed him to come home.

    I’m beyond broken and have been crying countless hours while on my knees praying. My whole body literally aches from the deception and lies I have been told. I get nauseous even looking at him lately. I envision what was once my strong, sexy husband in a dress and heels (which I don’t even wear that much). I have spoken to his dad who is a pastor twice since the first incident. He has done nothing but make me feel like I’m literally in the twilight zone. Some of what he says is to say my husband is doing wrong then he says what’s wrong with it. My parents and my sister both now know and they all agree this is not what God wants for him or for me. This is not for the glory of God. I can only imagine how confused he is because even his parents give mixed signals. His therapist is a sex therapist who thinks transgenderism is normal and this is ok even if it tears us apart. I even emailed her a heartfelt letter saying that I don’t think she is right for my husband if our marriage is to survive. She was so condescending in her response to me and even cc’d my husband in it which included my email to her.

    I feel so alone and don’t see any way to salvage this without him seeing what he is doing to us but he doesn’t seem to care. I have seen my Godly husband turn into someone I barely like lately and has no care or concern for how badly I’m hurting. My children are my main concern right now, but nothing is ok in our house. I think he still thinks this is temporary and that I will somehow allow him to continue what he wants to do and we will somehow be normal again. I have lost so much of myself, my identity, my self worth and my life to him and he has done nothing but thrown me to the side to fulfill his happiness in every way over the last year.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. CD wife says:

    Kat i believe the key to your problems are in your second sentence ” My husband who I have always loved more than myself in many ways”.
    Start the work on yourself to help you make healthier decisions around the abuse you are living with. As always i will suggest Alanon as well as good therapy for yourself.

    Like

  32. CD wife says:

    Dot i am truly shocked that you say your husband has not been a good father and your husband took your daughters undergarments !!!!!!!!!!!!
    Your children didn’t have a choice but to stay in this abusive toxic home but you did. How tragic there was no one in their lives to save them from this and the life long affect it will have on them even with help.

    Like

  33. thorin25 says:

    Kat, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I will pray for you right now.
    Unfortunately the situation with the counselor doesn’t surprise me anymore. Most are taken in by the mainstream philosophies of our society, which is that to deny anyone their sexual fulfillment, is the worst kind of evil. I highly suggest you find a good Christian counselor, if not for your husband, then at least for yourself. What you are going through is so painful, and unjust, and awful. I will pray that your husband falls on his knees in repentance before God, and before you

    Liked by 1 person

  34. C/D'S WIFE25 says:

    I need help and support. My husbands cross dressing is destroying our marriage!

    Liked by 1 person

  35. CD wife says:

    C?D’s Wife your name is really TOO similar to mine i hope no one confuses us. As i have written many posts maybe if you chose another name we won’t be confused ?
    You haven’t told us about anything so i really don’t know what i can say to you at this stage except read through past posts. Look froward to hearing more about you.Once again please consider a new name on here.

    Like

  36. Karen says:

    C/D’S WIFE25, I’m sorry you are where you are right now. Know that you are NOT alone! Please read through some of the older posts in this section for more ideas and support, and maybe read some of the other topics on this site. If your husband is willing, have him read the men’s info as well. If you can tell us more details maybe we will have some specific thoughts for you. In the meantime, just do your best to lean on God and trust in Him to help you through this. Come share more with us… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  37. C/D'swife25 says:

    Thank you I will read more post. My husband and I got married in october after being together for 1 year. I have 3 kids. He has none. I found out by seeing pictures and getting off work early one night and walking into him doing things. When he opened up to me about it, I told him I was fine with it…as long at it’s when the kids were not home and it wasn’t happening everytime we had alone time. I bought him the pantyhose he liked. Then he would wear them under his clothes ( which I didnt like) I started getting upset when he would do it because I found emails that he was searching for people who liked what he did on craigslist to mess around with. It almost broke us. It keeps happening every 2 to 3 weeks. He disappears for days spending hundreds of dollars. The most was $1,500… leaving me with no money for my boys for food or anything. He keeps saying he won’t do it again but he does. 3 weeks ago he was gone for 5 days with no contact at all. He didnt show up for work ( he works with my step dad) ..which made my family find out he was gone. Which caused issues for everyone and I of course made up lies on where he was, I’m always covering up for him. No one knows about his cross dressing/panyhose/feet fetishes. I dont know what to do anymore. .

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Kennyswife says:

    Sorry yes I’ll change my name.

    Like

  39. nosillasite says:

    CD Wife 25 ,, if you don’t have kids, leave him…

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Kennyswife25 says:

    We dont have kids together, but we are married

    Like

  41. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    CD wife, My children are all grown. We didn’t know about his taking things till later. I protected her and sons as best I could, but most of the craziest of the craziness was toward mid-life, as Karen said, it escalates especially then. He had not been much of a good father in the ignoring the kids a lot, just on his computer or whatever. Perhaps typed words paint a wrong picture. He is NOT a total monster. I don’t have to explain myself to you, but it can feel like you attack those who don’t do life as you have done. Please be gentler with me and with all these hurting people. I actually had a good weekend with husband, and am still hoping for the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Kennyswife25,
    I’m so sorry to hear such wildness so soon after marriage!
    Consider the fact that you walked into him doing things when you came home unexpectedly. The same could happen to your kids, and there are stories that say that is how some kids find out. Perhaps your stepdad needs to know the truth about his no show to work. I hope you will find good boundaries to protect yourself and kids, even for financial reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. CD wife says:

    Kennyswife thank you for the name change. I have been through similar . I found healing for myself in Alanon. We can’t change the addict but we can change how we react and take care of ourselves and that includes not covering up for their actions. This can aid recovery with the addict.
    It’s a toxic environment to raise children in as most find out further down the line when history repeats itself.

    Like

  44. CD wife says:

    Hurting Wife Dot how did your daughter react and feel about her father taking her undergarments ? Did she seek therapy ?

    Like

  45. marielee930 says:

    Kenny’s Wife, I’m so sorry for the anguish and confusion probably caused not only by your husband’s cross dressing behaviors, but the level of dishonesty, secrets and irresponsible spending he indulges in. Most wives, even if aware to some degree of their husband’s CDing early on, are not prepared at all for the degree to which this addiction can progress and dominate the husband’s focus in life. It sounds like your husband has been extremely deceptive with you, and is already into extreme CD addiction. Please get good Biblical counseling for yourself if possible, or pastoral counseling if you are in church. Alanon as CD Wife has mentioned could be a good resource. If your husband is not seeking change with God’s help and a support group like this site, you have to make a decision for the mental and emotional safety and well-being of yourself and your children to separate. Praying for you! You are not alone. Sadly, we wives know all too well what you are going through.

    Like

  46. nosillasite says:

    Truth Hurting Wife!!! One size DOES NOT fit all!

    Liked by 2 people

  47. nosillasite says:

    Hi Everyone!

    Well, I need to get this out as I’m in a bit of a dilemma.. My husband has had major hip replacement surgery and is doing great right now. IT will take time but he is on the road to recovery. I just need to get this out.. Last week when I was looking for underwear for my son to get ready for school, I noticed I had no clean underwear,, it was all in the hamper and I thought I had washed it all.. Anyway I asked my husband if I can have a pair of his underwear for him (now that my son is bigger than him and practically the same size) .. he said sure, but if I wait, he’ll go get it. I said, I can go get it to which he replied he can get it because if I go in his drawer I won’t like what I see.

    And there you go..

    Like

  48. Hillcrest says:

    So sorry, Nosillasite. He’s not even trying to hide it too much, if he keeps things in a drawer at home. So he’s not really denying what he does, then?

    Like

  49. nosillasite says:

    Obviously not I guess, although right now I am realizing that his issue is not mine. Although I’ve known that for a long time, I just need to stay clear from all things romantic. I am a woman of passion and as much as I would love to share my love, I cannot. I have to “obey” in the eyes of God, despite whatever the hell he does on the side. I am his “nurse” now getting him back to health after surgery, and as much as I carry this resentment on a daily basis, I let go of it quick because well frankly, I have to. I am also a recovering alcoholic so resentments aren’t good for us. I met him when I was 2 years sober though. I feel I am in love with someone else as well, which really makes me an evil woman, and he has issues too.. Who doesn’t right?

    Liked by 1 person

  50. Hillcrest says:

    Girlfriend, we all do have “issues” on this side of heaven! Struggles of all sorts…like Paul spoke of in Romans…the “flesh” against the Spirit.I maintain that as long as we are struggling against sin, we are still listening to the Holy Spirit, and we keep pressing on. When we fail, we confess to trustworthy accountability partners and get encouragement, trust God’s forgiveness when we are truly sorry and ask for help, get up and keep going in His strength and in community. But when a person tunes out the Holy Spirit, keeps secrets from others and even delves into deception to pursue sin, then they are in danger of having a hardened heart, and they are in BIG trouble. By then they are rationalizing their sin and no longer able to look at how their sin is hurting others. Whether it’s a chemical addiction, sexual addiction or romantic/emotional one, we know we are gratifying the flesh, vs. developing a real and fulfilling life in Christ. Sorry to preach and sound “religious”. BEEN THERE myself, with a history that includes consequences and regrets, but also forgiveness and second chances, because Jesus didn’t let go. I pray that you will realize the romantic relationship outside of marriage is as much of a fantasy and addiction as cross dressing or alcoholism. I am not judging you in the least. Just telling you the irritating truth as others have done for me. Praying for you as you nurse your husband amidst hurts, and praying that you will receive a special touch of God the Father’s love.

    Like

  51. nosillasite says:

    Hillcrest,
    While I appreciate your words of wisdom and I’m doomed to go to hell, it’s very hard for me to go through these times of everyday passive aggressive rejection. I am not living in a fantasy although I have been caught up in it. What I am experiencing is one person’s, the man I married in front of a minister in the eyes of GOD, constant passive aggressive non interest in me. He likes me don’t get me wrong, but he is not in love with me. I don’t think he knows what that means. I try to think of the romance, but then I realize we really didn’t have much of that if any. We decided to be celibate before marriage just to have a celibate marriage. It’s very exhausting. Jesus knows my heart, but HE also gave me the beautiful gift of passion that is not appreciated by my husband. I know I can give that to another individual and make him happy. I know that. I can leave my current situation right now and do that, but if anyone is holding true to the vows, its’ me while my husband’s lingerie is hanging upstairs in our closet.. I thought I married a man. I mean, I can probablyl handle porn addiction before this. I don’t get it. I don’t get how a heterosexual male can feel sexual as a woman unless they want to be a woman. It’s twisted. And that’s my rant for the day..
    Thank you for being there to talk hillcrest. One day the answer may come, but until then all I know is Jesus knows my heart. He knows the struggle I am going through after all he struggled far beyond anyone can ever imagine to save my ass and everyone else’s so ….

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Hillcrest says:

    I am not judging you nosillisite! Go ahead and vent! I totally understand! I I My CD husband was more physically demonstrative than yours, but as his CDing progressed from mostly fantasy to more acting out (secretly on work trips) there was a direct correlation to decreased sexual ability. More humiliating to me was his greater interest in my lingerie, and his desire to wear it, than his fascination with me, the real woman he married. I kept hoping, praying, believing my Christian husband would one day repent, but instead his belief system changed to support his CDing, so that he got to the point of almost flaunting it, doing things public ally in our area, not caring how it affected me or the kids. There are many things I would have done sooner if I had seen how his CDing would progress and take over, and how it would eventually affect our children…because the truth does eventually come out. So much grief, shock, confusion, and even the kids (young adults and in counseling) and I having our own identities shaken. Now my husband and I are separated, because he has moved so far away from our original vows. If I had known the truth of his activities sooner, we would have separated sooner, which is why he practiced deception. CDing is adultry in how it makes me feel. It is unfaithfulness sexually. I have done and said everything I could to avoid separating, because I believe marriage is sacred and meant to be for as long as we live. But I am finding that all of my needs are being fully satisfied in the Lord and my friends and family in Him. I am being healed to the point of keeping compassion and an attitude of forgiveness toward my husband, while keeping boundaries to separate myself and my children from emotional abuse (with a counselor’s help). My children and I have hope for a good future in Christ, whatever happens, and though I still pray for my husband, I trust God to deal with his son in his love and wisdom. I will be there if he ever repents, but I am going forward regardless. We all need each other’s prayers as we try to navigate this difficult road, nosillasite!

    Liked by 1 person

  53. nosillasite says:

    Truth… I’ve asked him for a separation/divorce 2 years ago, twice,,, he won’t do it. He said he can’t afford an apartment outside of our house.. My daughter knows more than she should but is so damn level headed.. My son is autistic so he’s really not focused on anything of the sort. Then he talked to me and while I told him I can’t condone this, he’s offered the song “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns which kind of makes me sick. I mean, I get that.. I get that as a regular married couple to heal that song is well done, but it’s not like the guy in the video appears with tights and a dress with a corset on and fake boobs.. you know.. I mean, I know he gets ashamed of it.. we’ve been to 6 months of marital counseling over this.. He was supposed to follow up and did with someone that wasn’t qualified and just let it go.
    I believe when my husband took the dog for a walk, it’s usually for long periods of time and I think he may do his thing then, I don’t know. I know my friend saw him walking the dog with short shorts once in the summer, early evening getting dark, so I don’t know, and frankly we all have something.. but if it didn’t ruin us and allowed us to become sexless for 12 years, that’s a problem.
    He doesn’t want to give up on our marriage. Well that’s sweet,, meanwhile things are the same and I’m supposed to live with that. espcially now because he had major hip surgery and while that sounds selfish, which I don’t intend it to be, it’s just one more excuse.
    Look, I don’t live for sex, obviously, but I need to feel desired. (I never thought I would say that) but I really do.. as a woman.. the sad part is, it’s been so long that if he ever did change, I don’t think I would be into him. It’s sad, but true. I’m a very passionate, fun loving person that turns into a depressed woman who overeats and isolates. It’s very sad. My therapist tells me to work on me.. lol
    God is so not the center of our marriage despite what his christian mind thinks.. he is very independent and we do co habitate. So I guess, I don’t count.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. marielee930 says:

    I hate how de-valued you are made to feel, Nosilla. I understand how all you’ve described feels, although currently I am at least 12 years post menapause and way more comfortable being celibate than when I was younger. I hope you have a wise, trustworthy, mature Christian woman or women you can confide in. If not, I’m praying for those kind of friends for you. Having that kind of support from family and friends has meant the world to me. Believe me, keeping the secret gives it more power.

    Liked by 1 person

  55. Karen says:

    nosillasite & Hillcrest, what you are saying about your marriage relationships, your sex life (lack of!), your feeling undesirable, your passion and desire to have a great sex life, and your husband moving toward a spirituality and life that is more accepting of his chosen lifestyle – all of that I can relate to. As I’ve said before, I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I try sincerely to draw hubby to Christ by my loving example and I expect God to work miracles in my marriage. I do not want to live the rest of my life without sex. However, I realize that, whether with my husband or not, I may still never be in a sexual relationship with a man again. I believe that hubby’s CDing is sin – but we all sin. I believe God loves him just as He loves me. I agree that if and when it might be needed for my peace of mind, I will have to live separately from my husband, but at this time it doesn’t seem to be necessary. I am just trying to focus on my relationship with Christ and pray for his. I do understand the various decisions you’ve made about your marriages I understand your hurts and feelings of rejection. I pray for each of us here. Thank you both – and everyone – for being a support!

    Liked by 2 people

  56. marielee930 says:

    Thank you, Karen! I’m praying for all of us here, too, and hope for great things for all of us in Christ. We have a future and a hope!

    Liked by 1 person

  57. nosillasite says:

    Hi Karen!
    Thanks so much for the understanding! We need to unite more with our issues and not be ridiculed for all we go through. Especially being more of a christian forefront.. One thing you posted that made me confused.
    (and your husband moving toward a spirituality and life that is more accepting of his chosen lifestyle – all of that I can relate to)
    My husband is christian but I don’t believe the spirituality would be accepting of a crossdressing lifestyle. I do believe being in remission, but he still has the clothes all around but hidden. Again, it’s a sin like every other sin.
    I like when you say that you probably will never have sex again. I mean, I don’t like that, but people have to understand in our circumstances that we need to accept and move beyond what’s more important. Even my christian therapist doesn’t get this as she believes sex is something that is part of marriage, when you live like we do, we cannot expect to have the conventional everyday wonderful romantic marriage if the person is sick.
    Now, I do believe we deprive ourselves, but being christian I think it’s in the vows, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health … I’m glad you are leading your man to Christ as best as you can. My man has been in Christ but hasn’t found me to be the traditional beautiful perhaps sexy woman in bed like most men may believe there wives to be.
    It’s more of a realization and what do we do now versus “Just leave him, he’s not worth it” ..
    I do believe if I knew my marriage would be 12 years celibate I probably wouldn’t of married him, yet here we are.
    We never know what the future holds and that’s why we need to care for ourselves. Now, does that mean, go out and get laid? NO.. Does that mean watch porn? NO (I can’t anymore, that became an addiction) Does that mean find all his femme stuff and put it in a bag for trash? No, it will just be replaced..
    This is a situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but I’ll be damned if I let the DEVIL win… So glad for this page! God Bless

    Liked by 1 person

  58. marielee930 says:

    The confusion and anguish of loving someone with such devastating compulsions. Of not wanting Satan to win in his schemes to deceive and destroy our husbands, our marriages, and even our own identities as wives, yet here is this enormous “thing” that we can try to ignore and carry on as if it’s not there, but we can’t really escape the crushing weight of pain. And to see our husband’s being diminished and replaced by a craving that takes them further away from real life and their real selves and from us. They go places we can never go and still remain true to our core beliefs and needs. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either, Nosilla. I truly feel deep compassion for my husband, but can’t reconcile with his declarations of allegiance to his en femme/ CDing. I think he has developed mental illness because he is living against his own core beliefs, which he tries to deny. I could get lost in a sense of hopelessness, but that would be Satan getting another foot hold. So this is how I have learned to stay sane…practicing living one day at a time, and in the moment, w/ Jesus and The Word. Did we make a mistake in getting married? The children we’ve had together are my joy and are believers…God has plans for them…they were meant to be. Just won’t entertain too much regret, “but forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14) I also have no idea what the future holds in my relationship with my husband (now separated) or how my life will be changing as I have always been a homemaker since our multihandicapped daughter was born 22 years ago. I am grateful that my husband did support us financially all these years, but having 2 households is beyond our means. The day is coming when the “fan is going to hit the wall” for us financially. I’m not living in denial, but at the moment I don’t have the answers either. But I’m practicing not worrying about the future. “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. For tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) I don’t know if these scriptures may comfort others as they have me in recent months, but I hope so. I actually do experience peace and joy, just living one day at a time, and leaning on our faithful and loving Heavenly Father moment by moment.

    Like

  59. nosillasite says:

    Hey Marielee930,

    It’s amazing that he even agreed to separate. My husband won’t agree to that. I’ve asked him twice in the past. He cried to me actually and said we can work this out. The first time I asked him for a separation he said he couldn’t afford to live in an apartment while I’m still here at the house with my two kids. The second time after our 6 month long therapy that was nice for awhile but things haven’t changed much, he cried to me and then mentioned the song by Casting Crowns, “Broken Together” .. I cry so hard when I see that video. It makes me love him more but then the video is over. And well, our short lived sex life is no longer. And he can live with that. I can’t. I have done alot to try to bring the passion back, but he clearly made me feel that I was not wanted, needed or desirable. He claims it’s as couples get older in their marriage, it changes. You see, my husband has all this figured out. This is a normal set of circumstances that happens. And, see I don’t agree. Especially when my passion worked so well in the past before I met him. He was a breath of fresh air when I met him because he wasn’t one of those guys that latched on me or overly jealous at all! But at the same time, his passion was lacking too.
    Either way, we aren’t made to be perfect for our spouses, but this crossdressing grew to be a secret and my special needs mother of the year title was out there and we just didn’t connect.. not much either in general except to make babies really.
    I know he needs an anti depressant… That is a fact… But he thinks he’s right. He thinks everything is okay, and I shouldn’t feel this way because of the fact that sex isn’t everything. I know that! Hell, I’ve known that for 12 years. So, yes, it is an internal hell, but my GOD and my SAVIOR, once I tap into him it’s a different type of freedom.
    I’m a recovering alcoholic 22 years. He never met me or saw me drunk.. We met when I was 2 years sober. I help others and feel I fell in love with someone 3 years ago and continue to help him. We are friends and we know our place, but we always wish. I’ve been feeling very guilty about it, yet I’m not a nun either. Jesus knows my heart. I am so confused you have no idea about that one. I let him go daily (I met him through a FB recovery group) but we have such an understanding. He’s very attractive to me and I never thought in a million years 3 years ago I would ever be attracted to someone else like that. So I’m dealing with that as well. We will always remain friends no matter what.
    That’s my saga… MarieLee… I wonder if you could help me?

    Like

  60. marielee930 says:

    Nosilla, regarding my separation, I’d hoped I’d never have to make that decision. But after at least a dozen years of struggle over the CD issue, and after a year of marital counseling in which my husband refused to even allow CD into the conversation, I discovered he was deeper into deception, lying and public CDing than I knew. While he was away on a trip that I learned included CD plans, I told him over the phone not to come home. He didn’t “agree” to the separation, and is angry and resentful, but didn’t want to pay divorce fees, so complied. I don’t encourage you to do what I did, but just stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit and pastoral and biblical counseling. I had the approval of all associated with us in our church, family and among mutual Christian friends. At some point we all reap the consequences of our actions, and I see the separation both as a consequence and a means that he could see what CDing is costing him and look for help, but also as a means to protect myself from more emotional/mental abuse. I don’t know if hearing this could help you, but know there are ways to separate if you have to. As I’ve said before, I am a strong proponent of having the church involved, and not allowing your husband to keep up a deceptive image. It only allows him to slip further into the addiction without accountability, and it deprives you of needed wisdom and support from the body of Christ. I’m sure your husband is also sincerely feeling anguished when he cries for you to be broken together with him, but unless you both are turning to your pastors and the body of believers for help, and him turning to a support group, you’ll probably only get more broken! My biggest regret is not being out in the open with our struggles sooner. Love you and praying for you Girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  61. Kat says:

    I started seeing a Christian counselor a few weeks ago. I truly feel like God intervened to make the appointment happen. I got in 2 days after calling. I’m trying to work on myself more, but it’s hard when you’ve been an US since graduating high school. I have been dealing with extreme anxiety over the last couple weeks and ended up on more meds. It’s getting better, but still rough.

    I allowed my husband back in our bed, but I’m was not interested in being intimate. He knew this before coming back. While after a class over the weekend I was enjoying laying on my husband’s lap and touched his leg. Apparently over the weekend he shaved his legs. I flipped! This is not anything that he has done in our 21 years together so I know why he’s doing it. It’s so he looks and feels better in his dresses.

    I just don’t understand how someone’s “happiness” can depend on things like clothes. I feel second or more down the line in his life which was never the case. I pray that he can see what he’s doing to us, but feel like if I gave an ultimatum right now I wouldn’t be chosen! That’s a hard pill to swallow! He keeps telling me to slow down while he figures stuff out, all while he goes 100mph in the opposite direction! It’s been 2 months since he told me and all I’ve seen is my husband disappearing and turning into an ugly, hateful person. I’m lost and not sure I can handle this RollerCoaster as long as some wives on here.

    How do you separate your entire being from someone that cared until this idol took over? How are you able to be happy while living with the person who seems to cast you aside for himself? Do you just live with blinders hoping not to see it? I’m not ready to leave, but it’s in my mind constantly! I just wish I was enough for him!

    Liked by 2 people

  62. marielee930 says:

    Kat, I am so sad for what you are going through. I’m sorry to say, I have walked in your shoes…maybe all of us here have. You sum up the pain of being the wife of a CDing husband precisely, even though all our lives have different variables. I am so glad you are seeing a good Christian counselor, and I’m praying for you right now. Within this year I asked my counselor a similar question to yours: “will I ever feel like I’m not his wife, or that I don’t love him or long for him as the husband I used to know”? My counselor said the only answer he had was that I would just have to wait. Trust God, turn to him with my whole heart, and wait. Not the answer I wanted to hear. I doubt it seems helpful to you either. But you are experiencing a traumatic event that nothing in life prepared you for, and that WILL take time and guidance to process. You are on the right track with counseling. Carefully consider if there are other mature and trustworthy Christians in your circle at church, and among family and friends that you can confide in. You NEED support, and are not meant to bear your burdens alone. Praying for you!

    Like

  63. marielee930 says:

    One more thing Nosilla…I am searching for the same kind of helps that you are!! The only helps I have found are in God’s word and submission to Him as fully as I know how, and in community with other mature believers to come around me. I have literally saturated myself with every kind of spiritual encouragement. Including a constant flow of of Christian radio, GOOD teaching not just at church but over the internet…everything that can keep my focus on the truth. Because our enemy loves to get us confused and off track if he can. We’ve got to keep putting on our spiritual armor (Romans). I was reminding myself a couple of hours ago of this very thing. And I wonder if I’m being too much present on this site and should bow out. But if I’ve missed some points you still want to dialogue with me specifically about, just let me know. Going to go do some housework and will be lifting you, Kat, Karen and all the wives and husbands. Please pray for me and my husband, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. nosillasite says:

    Kat and MarieLee-
    This sounds like something that he told you about just 2 years ago so it’s pretty current. I wonder if this existed throughout your whole marriage and you just didn’t see it. Although, if the sex was good then probably not. Our sex was not good except the spiritual surrealness of making our kids. That is something GOD intended for us. My kids had to exist. my youngest has a disability so I was totally on him and of course my husband is (was) in the closet which warranted no sexual relations for 12 years.
    The sad part about my issue is that I don’t feel like I can ever feel for my husband in that way because I’m so used to cohabitating. We share little kisses before work, in front of the kids, that kind of thing, but not intimately as a married couple should. Maybe I’m looking at too many romances but honestly I don’t even watch those anymore because I get depressed.
    To me, I dont’ want to be rejected again and I believe through counseling and everything there was enough said that if I ever brought this up again, he would automatically put me in the hot seat like he always has before. I’m never right about the situation, ever. I don’t think I can take that from him again quite honestly. I’d rather go without the sex and think by some miracle GOD will miraculously heal us. Meanwhile I’m feeling love for someone else and it’s hurtful to say the least. I let him go on a daily basis to work on my marriage spiritually.. But then my counselor tells me to work on me.
    Sure, usually when I saturate myself with bible study and the word of GOD it’s freeing totally.. Then I’m back with ME again. So those times I’m back with ME I need to not think about my situation. So then I get into prayer again. It’s all so confusing.
    I don’t know what I am trying to say here. I feel guilty for liking another person and talking with him.. We are friends.. But GOD knows what’s in my heart. I still feel like I’m going to go to hell though and I don’t know why. That’s a separate, issue. I hope not. I’ve been very patient.
    As far as counseling with my new Pastor, I’ve often wanted to talk to her on my own but once again I feel like the whole church will know, because word gets around and something like this, I’m just afraid. I totally trust Pastor Cindy with my life. But from church in the past, I’m still skeptical. We are avid members of our praise team. The two hypocrites singing for the Lord. But aren’t we all hypocrites? I don’t know.. Thanks! I’ll pray..

    Like

  65. marielee930 says:

    It is so hard to communicate fully and hit on everything that could be covered so much easier face to face than within the limitations of text chat! But thank the Lord Thorin set this up for us so that we know we’re not the only one on the planet with this struggle!! Amen? Nosilla, if you accepted that Jesus, as God’s perfect son, took your sins upon himself when he was crucified, and confess him as your Savior and Lord, the seal of his Holy Spirit is within you, and Christ will never let you be snatched from his hand…he will never leave you or forsake you. You are not going to hell, so don’t trust how you feel about that. You’re in! That said, when any of us are not keeping in step with the Holy Spirit but are letting our flesh lead us, then it may be possible to make “hell” out of our lives on earth, as well as adding suffering to other’s lives. I suspect you well know that the emotional affair falls into the “flesh” category. I also well understand how being so hurt by your husband made you vulnerable to this attachment. I don’t want to make you feel judged or misunderstood. Satan sees your wounds and will strike where you’re weakest. I know your “friendship” seems to fulfill some bit of normal longings in you…at least at times. But it can’t deliver in filling your deepest needs. In fact, it may be holding you both back from moving forward into having the “life to the full” that he promises us. Praying for you!

    Like

  66. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    marielee930, Thank you so much for posting encouraging words and Bible verses!

    Liked by 1 person

  67. Karen says:

    Praying for all of us! All I can say is keep doing your (our) best to take care of YOU, whatever that means each day. Thank you to all who are sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  68. nosillasite says:

    Hey Girls… I read over this and I thought you can all relate or perhaps I am getting deeper in my faith.. It goes something like this..

    “I need relief. God you created my body to want sex, and you see that’s not possible right now. Please, help me to not become addicted to fantasizing. I know these thoughts are normal, so help me to keep them under control, and help me with these urges. I really want to have sex, but I also want to honor you and my husband”

    (well, as you all know, I haven’t been doing that, so Jesus came to me with this reading, thoughts and bible quotes I’ll share) His urge to feel crossdressing killed our sex life.. Bottom line. and Im embarrassed to share how long it’s been sexless.. Anyway, here’s more…

    “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one.” (John 17:22)
    “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this come from he Lord who is the Spirit”. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

    “For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.” (Romans 8:19)

    Also read Colossians 3:3 .. Further, you’re not following Jesus to learn from HIM, HE’S IN YOU! Teaching you your identity. (1 Corinthians 6:19, Romans 12:2, Phillippians 1:6) We have oneness with HIM for good. (ephesians 1:13)

    The block has been that for me.. I haven’t realized that Jesus actually lives in me as long as I follow HIM. I feel I am not worthy of such a thing. Now, I follow HIM and believe in HIM, but never got really IN HIM to live IN ME!!!!!!!!!!!! And here’s a final prayer….

    Father, thank you for another day of Life! For so long, I didn’t like my life, and that’s because I had an attitude which was not authentic. Now that you’ve revealed who I am inside, I’m starting to get it! I was recreated in spirit to have the same mind of Christ, and I actually do. Awesome! Right now, I lift up all who are reading this, directly to you. So many of them struggle with their attitudes, and that struggle is happening for a reason. Bad attitudes are not legitimate for heaven ready people, and that’s who we are. When we have a poor attitude, it doesn’t feel right because it’s not right. We have great attitudes! We don’t have fake attitudes, but REAL attitudes. All day long, you give us the ability to acknowledge difficult situations, people and thoughts, and then you gently counsel us into the truth of who we really are. Keep doing it! We trust you! In Christ’s name, I pray.. Amen!!

    xo xo xo xo

    Liked by 1 person

  69. marielee930 says:

    AMEN!!!

    Like

  70. CD wife says:

    Two wives of active Alcoholics in my Alanon group have now confided in me that their husbands like to dress in womens clothes . They would both be in their sixties. How wide spread is this i wonder ?

    Liked by 1 person

  71. nosillasite says:

    I hear Ya CDWife.. I’ve yet to get to Alanon although I read the daily meditation every day.. I am going to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting tomorrow night from AA.. I need to get to Alanon! Agreed!

    Liked by 1 person

  72. CD wife says:

    nosillasite Alcoholics are made welcome. They are know as “double winners” but the focus must be on Alanon in other words on yourself. You will not be able to talk about the CDing but just refer to your husband as my qualifier or my addict if you wish to refer to him.
    The whole point of Alanon is to learn about self care from things we cannot change with addiction in our lives. I hope this helps you and others.
    This stuff is too much for us to deal with alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  73. thorin25 says:

    CDwife, if I am understanding you correctly, these two men are alcoholics but also crossdressers? I have read from several academic sources (can’t recall specifically right now), that a lot of crossdressers have other comorbid mental health issues. So this would make sense. And as you’ve pointed out before, sometimes we have addictive personalities or trade one addiction for another.

    However, if you look at my email prayer group page, there are hundreds of comments. Most of them today aren’t still in the group, most have come and gone. But of past members that I can remember talking to and of current members, I don’t think I’ve heard of a single one who has talked about a problem with alcohol (and we share the deepest stuff, the most personal stuff). That makes me wonder if the connection is actually not very common. However, guys have shared about other addictions, but always of a sexual nature. So they might be struggling with crossdressing while also with a urine fetish, foot/shoe fetish, or same sex attraction, or pornography addiction, gender dysphoria, etc.

    Since they are both in their sixties, maybe the alcohol came later as a way to deal with their pain and shame, another way of escaping reality, instead of actually working through healing from the crossdressing addictions.

    Liked by 1 person

  74. CD wife says:

    Thorin i am not suggesting a correlation between Alcoholism and Crossdressing at all. I was just surprised by the two wives telling me their husbands Crossdress.Also both husbands have had alcohol issues from a young age.
    What is important is that the wives are learning through the fellowship to build their self esteem and learn to detach with love.And this is what this page should be about self care and of course educating ourselves and with you and your posts we can learn so much.
    There is often more than one addiction at play so maybe i shouldn’t be surprised. And i am told that in AA there is a new saying that if you throw a rock at an AA meeting you will hit a porn addict so yes maybe there could also be many CDs in AA who knows ?
    Forgive me but i am sure i have read here some where the CDs saying they have Alcohol issues maybe they could let us know. It would be interesting. Certainly at another blog i used to look at some of the Adult Children were having problems.
    As you have just said you can have addictive personalities or trade one addiction for another. I have never seen my husband drink but from what i heard before i met him he certainly traded porn and CDing for the alcohol.

    Liked by 1 person

  75. nosillasite says:

    Thanks CD Wife!!! I get it… 🙂 May check it out.. Thank you..

    Liked by 1 person

  76. marielee930 says:

    Nosilla, I sure appreciate your sharing earlier scriptures and your increased awareness of Christ IN you. God is so good to give you that revelation, and it’s good to hear you experiencing increased joy in that knowledge. I also appreciate your honesty with God and us about your struggles with unwanted celibacy within your marriage, which is a true hardship and form of neglect that you in no way deserve. I pray for you regularly, and I hope Celebrate Recovery is a place where you will be loved on in Christ. I pray that you are ministered to there…I’ve heard GREAT things about it, and seeing your post has encouraged me to look into it myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  77. marielee930 says:

    CD wife and Thorin, your comments about CD and alcoholism, and wondering about the prevalence of CD in the general population, are interesting. I only have a suspicion that it is as common as any other human condition, but due to at least past morays, is little known about. When I was first diagnosed and began treatment for depression over 20 years ago, I thought I was the only Christian I knew who had this struggle, but decided to be vulnerable and start talking to some trusted women in our church. Long story short, over time, iI learned the diagnosis was so very common in our congregation, ( and the church at large). How I hope more wives begin to open up in our churches with at least a trusted few, so that eventually we may be able to support each other face to face, and not just anonymously. I hope the same for our husbands. I am thankful for this site and all of you! But how great it would be if all of us who have suffered in such similar ways had real, in person fellowship with other CD wives. I would love to “be there” for someone else in the way I wished someone had “been there” for me these many years.

    Liked by 1 person

  78. nosillasite says:

    YAY Marie!!!

    Like

  79. CD wife says:

    Sorry i ended my last post with ” I have never seen my husband drink but from what i heard before i met him he certainly traded porn and CDing for the alcohol.”
    It should have read transferred the Alcohol for porn and CDing

    Like

  80. marielee930 says:

    CD wife, I think I know the answer to this question, but in your Alanon experiences, do those dealing with the consequences of their addictions typically shift blame to others? I did instigate our separation a year ago due to the depths of my husband’s progression into CDing and his denial of it being a source of pain to me and our older children. His anger and resentment are completely directed at me.

    Liked by 1 person

  81. nosillasite says:

    Marielee930 … He knows you know… He’s down on himself so of course his anger and resentment are towards you.. My husband is just passive aggressive.. We keep the piece because we raise two teenagers, one with special needs.. I believe and know he genuinely loves me.. I also know the devil is alive and well if we let him take over.. Look, I am an addict in recovery and won’t lie when I struggle with other things, however alcohol was my first drug of choice, well actually food was.. Either way, my husband and I met when I was already sober and still remain till this day. I think he has addiction in him, but he doesn’t and never had an alcohol issue. He drinks one or two every now and then to unwind, but he doesn’t have that problem! I believe he’s in the closet about CDing because he’s afraid to let go of that one hangup.. that’s really the only thing I think.. Meanwhile, I am getting in touch better with my creator to see what HE has in store for me, because you see we all have issues. I am not excusing them and he knows I certainly don’t condone all that. I strayed emotionally because he isn’t a very compassionate outward person. I also think the CD’ing delayed alot of that because even though he obviously was into me as being his wife, he’s not INTO ME… which kind of puts a damper on the sex life.. I wonder if he feels more feminine then I do? I don’t bring it up anymore. I have thoughts of my emotional person online, but he’s going through his own stuff and remain very good friends.. I can’t imagine life without him really.. I just need to busy myself more and read more bible!!

    Liked by 1 person

  82. CD wife says:

    marielee i am a little confused by your question forgive me. I think you are asking do the addicts shift the blame to us ?
    I have spent the day today assuring partners they are not to blame. The addiction was there long before we met our partners. This behaviour is often called the “blame game” because first of all addicts use resentments of others to “act out” and also the day they put the focus on themselves is the day they have to admit they have a problem and only then can they address their own issues which by the way they have to address for themselves only and not us.
    I hope this has made things a little clearer and once again there is nothing wrong with us. Porn and CD addicts use their addictions for sexual gratification which is why often on here you will read about the wives being abandoned sexually or feeling their husbands are “not present” during sex.
    Alanon encourages us to put the focus back on ourselves and build up our own self esteem which has taken a bashing dealing with all this crap.

    Liked by 1 person

  83. marielee930 says:

    Nosilla and CD wife, what you’ve said resonated with what I’ve experienced. There is a cycle some of the time when my husband used a peeve of his about me as an excuse for CDing, and also avoiding his own issues while turning anger and blame on me. As you say, CD wife, our husband’s addictions are not our fault. Not to say I have been a perfect wife, or that I haven’t had personal failings that have also affected my loved ones. I am very human and a work in progress. But the very foundation of a marriage is a man and woman in their uniqueness coming together. With CDing in the picture, it is a very unstable and unnatural union, and we wives feel the lack of security and stability in that malformed structure every day. We CAN’T hold the marriage together while our husband is degrading his manhood. We will either conform and degrade ourselves by getting sucked into the muck and mire, or we will pull out to stand on a firm foundation of truth to save the health and dignity of ourselves and our children. The stress is too great to endure for all of our lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  84. CD wife says:

    I agree marielee thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  85. nosillasite says:

    Totally agree Marielee.. Yet the addict in me wanted what I deserved hence straying.. its very hard to live this life, but it brings me closer to Jesus so in a sense it’s a win win but not really if that makes sense..

    Liked by 1 person

  86. marielee930 says:

    Nosilla, I am reserved about giving intimate details about my marriage here, because I do still hope and pray that one day my husband will visit Thorin’s blog for himself. It seems many men visit this wives chat space to gain insight, and my husband would readily recognize our story. So it still doesn’t feel truly “anonymous” to me. But for the collective record, my husband and I had a very active and satisfying for me sexual relationship for about the first decade of marriage, with what I considered normal waning during that time due to complete exhaustion raising young children, and caring for a multi-handicapped daughter with nocturnal seizures. We also both had negative sexual side effects from taking anti-depressants. Sex began to nose dive dramatically after my husband disclosed his CDing. It was more complicated than what I hear you and CD wife describe, and I can’t say with certainty that the CDing in itself caused my husband to lose interest. I would say it was a lot of factors, but chiefly a lack of emotional intimacy that led to my being celibate in the later years that we lived together. I felt betrayed, demeaned and disregarded. And because I could not accept the CDing aspect of who he was (his words) he felt rejected and condemned (also his words). I don’t know if my experience is atypical, but there it is.

    Like

  87. Karen says:

    marielee930, your experience sounds a lot like mine. I don’t have a child with handicaps, but other than that…we had a great sex life, we both ended up struggling due to antidepressants and then my husband got more deeply into CDing. (He’d been open with me about it, but insisted clothing only, no wigs, makeup, etc. Then, after maybe 10 years of pretty much nothing, he decided he wanted to try to pass as a woman – impossible, but he tries – and that is when the sex life just disappeared.) I also can relate to the lack of emotional intimacy. We are trying to work on things, but since he is seeing a counselor who is also a gender therapist (when we first went there together several years ago, we didn’t even know she was), he is getting encouraged in CDing. NOT good. I gave up on going to that counselor with hubby almost a year ago; I am starting tomorrow with a Christian counselor. I want to figure out what my boundaries really are, and if I choose to stay with him, I need to learn how I can live a fulfilled life and be loving. I’d appreciate everyone’s prayers that the new counselor I’m going to is truly a Bible-believing Christian!

    Liked by 1 person

  88. marielee930 says:

    Karen, praying for you and that the counselor will truly bring a Christian/Biblical perspective to assist you in making the healthiest decisions that are also God honoring, as it seems that is also important to you (important to me, too). God give you His peace, wisdom and strength!

    Like

  89. Confused Girlfriend says:

    Update about CD boyfriend.
    Thank you guys for your advices and prayers, boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) and I ended up going on our separate ways. Like many of you have mentioned, there’s no need to cling on to someone who doesn’t even like me while in a dating relationship. And of course there are some other issues between us which may or may not have something to do with cd, too. I have decided to move on with my life. However, I’ll continue to subscribe to this forum to keep all of your in my prayers. Please know that I pray for you all often. You are not alone! Even though I may never truly understand what you’re going through, I believe in the power of prayers.
    Deuteronomy 33:25 The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days.

    Like

  90. marielee930 says:

    Former CD Girlfriend, thank you so much for updating us! You have been MUCH prayed over, and your prayers for us are much appreciated, too. So good to see the Lord’s guidance leading you onward to His very best plans and purposes for your life!

    Like

  91. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Former Confused Girlfriend, I’m so glad you aren’t confused any longer. May you someday find a Godly man who will truly love you. Thanks for your prayers for us wives on here.

    Liked by 1 person

  92. CD wife says:

    I know a CD wife from another site we met up (this was a couple of years ago) and she was divorced. Her daughter was very angry because she never knew the reason and is very resentful towards her mother for as she sees it abandoning her father.
    A difficult situation because her mother didn’t want to tell her about the Crossdressing but didn’t want to lie. It’s a very sad thing for the mother and daughter and Dad comes out of it the “poor victim”.

    Like

  93. marielee930 says:

    I wonder why the mother made the decision not to tell her daughter? The age of the child, not wanting her daughter exposed and trying to protect her, or not wanting to diminish the father’s roll in the daughter’s life? Maybe none of those reasons but something else. Regardless, the truth always comes out eventually.

    Like

  94. CD wife says:

    She was in her twenties i believe when they divorced. I never questioned the reasons but just respected the fact she didn’t wish her daughter to know about the CDing.
    In the world of addiction the addict often comes out of it “the good guy” but much later on in the child’s life when patterns are repeated and the adult child has a greater understanding the tears flow and i have seen it a few times when the mother has died and at a recent Alanon meeting a lady was tearful and wishing she could have one last conversation with her diseased mother now she has an addict in her own life which is often the way.
    This disease cascades down the generations.

    Like

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