Wives of Crossdressers Chat

This page was made upon request, for wives of crossdressers to have a place for discussion. There are other forums for crossdressers’ wives on the net, and I’ve linked to some of those on my links page. This page is intended to be a place where wives can support one another, give advice, pray for one another, and discuss these complicated issues. Since there are other general forums out there, this page will be mainly intended for those wives who view crossdressing as sinful or unhealthy, and for those wives who are Christians.  But all wives of crossdressers should feel very welcome to comment and discuss here.

I cannot add a forum into my site, so you will just have to comment and reply as one long thread. If you are a new user, I usually can approve you within a day or two.  I hold all email addresses with confidentiality, but for those of you who are rightly worried about security and anonymity, it’s easy to make a new email address with anonymous names, which you could do before commenting here.  If you have ideas about editing the description above, or have other ideas for this page, let me know.

I highly suggest you read this post which is for people trying to help those struggling with crossdressing, with a special long section especially directed to you wives – Giving pastoral care to a crossdresser or transgendered person

 

*Please do not post your email in the body of the comment itself. It is important to protect yourself from spam and potential harassment by never publicly posting your personal information (such as your email address) on this or any other blog. Rest assured that I will keep your email address confidential.
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892 comments on “Wives of Crossdressers Chat

  1. Lisa says:

    Hi CD wife. It must be so distracting to see this person dressed in women’s attire. Seems to me the fellowship is accepting of his CDing. I would be so uncomfortable him using the lady’s bathroom. How do the other women feel about this situation? I would imagine they wait for him to leave before they go in. Whoever runs the fellowship is probably scared of a lawsuit if they confront this person. Sad, this person should indeed be prayed for.

    Like

  2. CD wife says:

    Hello dear Lisa. The fellowship is Alanon and no one would dare comment for fear of some sort of legal action and to be fare i don’t think many mind. I certainly was shocked to find him in the ladies room and i emailed Thorin and asked for advice and he advised me to pray for him.This was some time ago.
    If i find myself looking at him i just try not to think any unkind thoughts i have to just to accept the situation. I find it odd when people refer to him as her. He has also changed his name. At least there is no wife involved.
    I raised it in my previous posts to show what past CDs in recovery could be up to now.
    In the UK the transport system now says welcome everyone they are no longer allowed to say ladies and gentlemen !!! What have we come to ?

    Like

  3. thorin25 says:

    Wodressman, welcome. I’m not sure why you commented on this page. This page is for wives of crossdressers. Perhaps you can better place your question here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/questions-requests/

    I’m going to delete your comment after writing this comment. Please repost a new comment on the questions page and let’s save this page for the wives as they discuss. Thank you

    After you do so, I’m glad to discuss with you

    Like

  4. CD wife says:

    I wonder why you deleted Wodressmans post Thorin ? It may have been kinder to have copied and pasted it where you wanted it. It might have taken great courage for him to post in the first place. Yes this page is for us but i for one would not have minded seeing it here. Maybe we could have helped him ?

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  5. Clarissa says:

    To Wodressman OK well in case no one told you yes you’re thinking is wrong and offensive stay where you belong you’re not a woman you’re a man and how can you be anything but unpleasant . Trying to be something God didn’t make you

    Like

  6. Clarissa says:

    Also dress how you like but stay out of my space

    Like

  7. Tina says:

    So what does the wife/SO of a 40-something couple do when the ‘she’ in her husband comes out & doesn’t seem to understand the effects it has on the wife? I had no idea this was hidden under many years of normal life. Leaving him is starting to make a lot of sense, but our assets and worlds are so inter-twined, that can’t happen overnight. Need coping skills for the meantime.

    For those posting above about God, I’m not directing this question toward you – for a great variety of reasons. No offense, just hoping others with a realistic experience and view might have some tips for me.

    Like

  8. Tina says:

    Admin: Is this a Christ-centered support group?

    Like

  9. Lisa says:

    Hi Clarissa. You seem angry. We haven’t head from you since the beginning of the year. How is everything going with you?

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  10. CD wife says:

    Hi Lisa, I have no idea what Wodressman had to say but Thorin seemed ok with him reposting.
    The news in the UK is anyone will be able to choose what sex they identify with or change into without a Drs opinion which is need now.

    Like

  11. Lisa says:

    Hi CD wife. If I remember rightly Wodressman was not talking about quitting crossdressing but how best to continue his addiction.

    The UK situation is terrible. The government seems to do everything to encourage transgender people to change sex. Especially children which is unbelievable. The US too. we live in a very politically correct society now. It’s very sad how we appease the transgender community.

    Like

  12. thorin25 says:

    Tina, this is indeed a Christ centered support group. But anyone is welcome, whether you are a Christian or not. You will still find valuable help and advice and support here even if you are not a Christian. But just know that most of us place God very highly in our lives, and see the world through the truth he has revealed, so that will shape our advice. I’m sure the wives here would love to talk to you more!

    Like

  13. thorin25 says:

    Wodressman, and others who were wondering, I want to keep this page for the ladies. I don’t mind men chiming in and giving advice, or directly asking a question for wives specifically, but otherwise I have a huge blog and lots of pages and posts, and I do not want all the discussions happening here on this one page. If there is a comment, it gets shown to all the wives who have ever commented here with can be very spammy and annoying to people’s email inboxes. I’m trying to respect and guard this space.

    You can find wodressman’s question here – and you are welcome to comment and discuss with him there –
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/questions-requests/comment-page-2/#comment-18098

    Like

  14. CD wife says:

    Thank you Thorin i will take a look. I indeed try to stay on this page. I have looked at the email prayer page and don’t understand why the men come and ask for your prayers (which is wonderful) and then i don’t see them posting much after that.
    I wish the men would talk here more often even if they are not doing well then others in similar situations wouldn’t feel so alone and they could be given encouragement by you and each other.

    Like

  15. CD wife says:

    Tina would you like to share with us? It’s good to talk it helps us not feel so alone we will all do our best to support you. As you have probably seen the author of this site is so very knowledgable and is here to help us as well.

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  16. Wodressman says:

    I wanted to say thank you for all the great and so so coments I do know now that it was the wrong chat site for me. I am also sorry if I made any of upset with me. I do want to stop cross-dressing and with some of the comments help cement this for me. I know with God and hard work on my part I will conquer this for good.

    Like

  17. thorin25 says:

    Wodressman, you do not need to apologize. You simply did not know where to post on this blog with so many pages. It’s confusing I know. Don’t feel bad. This is the right site for you if you want to stop crossdressing! Please read my other posts and comment on them on those pages. I posted your original question here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/questions-requests/

    If you would like the help and support and prayer of a group of men who feel the same things as you, you can join our prayer group here – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

    I encourage you to keep reading my posts – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/most-important-posts/
    Let’s continue to dialogue and discuss, you can post a comment on any of my posts you find interesting

    Like

  18. Tina says:

    Thank you very much, fellow wife. No thanks – I’m looking for a group that is not necessarily Christ-centered. Trust me, God can’t stop this freight train – maybe a freight train could… But not God. If you were here, you’d get why I feel this way. We are likely separating at the end of the
    summer.

    Like

  19. CD wife says:

    Hello Tina before going please try talking to us. He may not stop but we are here for you.

    Like

  20. Lisa says:

    Hi Tina. Please don’t go. Talk to us let us know what you’re going through right now. Myself and others have experienced extreme Cding and other addictions from our partners. We’ve made progress and continued with our lives. It’s okay if you feel your husband is beyond help. We’re still very much here for you.

    Like

  21. Tina says:

    That is very kind of you and I can sense it’s heartfelt. TBH, I am in the process of writing a book while working full time and this whole CD spiral – every single thing that comes with it… is a total waste of my time and energy. It’s distracting other work that is important to me and I’m a no BS kind of person – i have things to accomplish that so far outweigh his delusional idiocy. I am just opting out – seriously. My higher purpose is clear and it’s not okay to sideline those goals for a crapfest this instensity. I would have to be clinically insane to make any other choice. I wish you all the best in your world and in the areas of life that carry meaning for YOU outside of the CD bubble.

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  22. CD wife says:

    Well done Tina for putting your needs above the craziness. What ever you decide to do we are here for you. But also you can help us by showing the wives here there is a life out there to be lived. We can lose ourselves with the stress of all this.
    I hope you stay in touch with us.Good luck with the book ! X

    Like

  23. Tina says:

    You’re right I’m here to help – this book will be an important one to those suffering from trauma of all kinds – it’s about six months away from readers but it’s my best work, I feel. It is written to help everyone, so I will certainly post excerpts and info here when it’s all wrapped up.

    Like

  24. CD wife says:

    Thank you Tina.

    Like

  25. SpinningTop says:

    Hi all. Another wife here – I’ve known for years now and it never seems to get easier. I’ll always be disappointed that this is the man who chose me and I him, you know? We have a great life otherwise but I’ll always see him as broken. How could I not? I don’t really care for all the nonsense spouted out here in the ‘interweb’ …most of it propaganda. Grown men playing dress up like they did as kids in their mommys clothes…oh how they love to tell us how long they’ve been doing it for, as though that somehow helps lol…is actually damn insane. It’s silly. I look at the world around me and can’t believe my otherwise smart, kind, considerate husband is doing this frivolous nonsense. And to him, it’s not frivolous. It’s important. They should take crossdressing men and study their brains because I can’t help feeling you’d find something amiss. You sure wouldn’t find a female brain like they’d have us believe…hahaha. Hell no. Nothing female about this behaviour…it’s all male.

    But something is wrong with my husband and I’ll never believe otherwise and it wears me down that I’m living with this. Anyway sorry for the negativity. Just needed to vent.

    Like

  26. Clarissa says:

    Thank you for what you say. Very helpful to me . I have a lot I would love to say . Anyway thank you

    Like

  27. Lisa says:

    Hi Spinning top. Yes it’s very sad they think they know what it is to be a woman just because they put on female clothes. Always a false persona of what they believe a woman should behave and dress like. Unfortunately it’s not silly to him it’s very real. Takes a lot of will power and therapy for him to quit. If he really wants to though he can overcome. With faith in God and your help. Praying he realizes you’re more important than crossdressing.

    Like

  28. CD wife says:

    SpinningTop i bet you feel like your name at times . It’s good to vent we are here for you and understand only too well how you feel but it’s good to vent .
    Clarissa please say all you want to here it’s safe and we are here to help if we can. It’s good for us to share. XXXX

    Like

  29. Lisa says:

    Hi Clarissa. Please don’t be afraid to speak up. We’re here for you.

    Like

  30. Karen says:

    Welcome, SpinningTop and Clarissa!

    Like

  31. SpinningTop says:

    Well I’m just glad I stumbled on you all here because yes, I do feel like my name many days lol.

    Seriously this ‘condition’ has put our marriage through the wringer. We’ve been through all sides of it with him hoping and even expecting that I’d indulge it (yuck no!) and then that I’d grow to like it and then when the sneaking and lying reached crisis point we even separated for a few weeks and I do think he finally had a moment of clarity. He has since removed it from our life together, thankgoodness, and if it returns as it was I will leave. More than anything these days it’s the lingering resentment from our history that causes the most pain.

    He won’t quit either. He’s a male coward who can’t live without his childhood crutch. There is just so much psychology behind all this that hurts my head and if it were women who had these desires, you just know we’d be seeking a cure! Thankfully Thorin is one example of a man trying to be better than his desires. So few can be bothered.

    How do you ladies cope with it? I admit I don’t mind as much if it’s just his own occasional thing that doesnt involve me. It was all the nonsense about acceptance and including me that drive a wedge. Clearly, my husband sees crossdressing as some sort of intimate activity while I just think it’s weird and gross. Bit of a mess isn’t it.

    I often wonder, in my resentful moments, what my mother in law did to him haha.

    Like

  32. CD wife says:

    SpinningTop please be careful with the idea that you don’t mind if” it’s just his own occasional thing that doesn’t involve you”.First of all like all addictions it doesn’t stand still it’s a progressive situation.The solution is what Thorin practises which is total abstinence one day at a time.
    Every time he indulges himself its adultery especially if there is a sexual component which i believe there always is . This can lead to him viewing you as “vanilla” and leads to the loss of a physical relationship in the marriage.
    It’s a beast of an addiction which you will have no control over.And you have every right to not participate in.
    The most important thing is you. It’s vital to practice self care at all times. Be kind to yourself.X

    Like

  33. Lisa says:

    Hi spinning top. You said in your post that ‘he has removed crossdressing from his life.’ In the next paragraph you say ‘he won’t quit either.’ Can you explain further? Is his crossdressing underwear only? In which case their is probably a sexual component. Or is it full blown dressing as a woman? In which case gender conflict might be the issue.

    All you can do is not accept his addiction. He has to want to quit. Their will be no progress until he realizes this.

    Lisa

    Like

  34. CD wife says:

    Lisa you said the magic words “He has to want to quit” This goes for all addictions.

    Like

  35. SpinningTop says:

    Thanks for the words of wisdom, ladies.

    And Lisa, he’s removed if from our married life. He still indulges, I’m sure, when away on business etc, but I don’t want to know or hear or see if that makes sense. Because I do understand the nature of compulsion I also know I can’t stop him doing this. He has to want to stop and he doesn’t. But because it doesn’t directly affect me anymore (at this point anyway), I turn a blind eye to save our marriage and family. Truly if there weren’t young kids involved I’m sure I’d be making very different decisions.

    And no, there is no gender conflict. He does dress fully but it’s entirely sexual. He’s never denied that and I’m suspicious of anyone who does, to be honest. I remember reading an article by that crossdresser artist, Grayson Perry, who said it’s always about sex and the men just deny it because they are embarrassed. Seems they should be embarrassed either way, but apparently if you say it’s a gender thing then you can hold your head high. Sorry guys, you’re behaving like werirdos whatever the reason!

    Anyway, I have moved beyond caring about the reasons. My husband needs to figure himself out. I am busy figuring myself out and that’s my priority. I do wonder of the logistics of quitting this behavior though. I’m not entirely convinced it’s like quitting drugs or cigarettes. There’s some great books out there about brain mapping and wiring etc, and young boys map their sexual preferences at very key developmental points (ages 6 to 10 is a key age I believe – about the same time crossdressers say they start dressing), and once mapped they really can’t be undone. It becomes an intrinsic part of their sexuality. It’s the same with the other preferences like fetishism, voyeurism, sadism etc. I don’t even think there have been many success stories of men quitting any sexual preference without medical castration etc…

    Of course, I’ll be interested if Thorin can do it, but I’d bet it’s a difficult way to live? I don’t condemn crossdressing outright as when controlled and done with self awareness and respect, it needn’t destroy everything. Problem is, no one talks about it in the open, or teaches men how to control it, so it progresses and festers and then we’re left living with a nightmare. Best case scenario would be crossdressers avoid women like us by being completely open and honest, and only date women who like it. There might only be three women on planet earth who feel that way, lol, but at least if the men are being completely open about it, then other women will be spared all this misery.

    Just some of the thoughts I’ve had over the years. Maybe electric shock therapy would do the trick? Quite a few days, I have wished I could be the one doing the shocking. lol

    Like

  36. thorin25 says:

    Even if his body is now wired to be turned on by crossdressing, he can still very much control his behavior. All throughout church history monks and priests (besides a few who failed sexually) lived celibate lives without big problems. Is it hard? Yes. But the Christian life is hard in general. You could also say men are wired to want to commit adultery. Can they resist? Yes. For many of us crossdressers, crossdressing is an easier turn on than our wives because of that wiring. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have sex with our wives and resist crossdressing. And, at least for me, sex has become so much better than CD ever was.

    There is an epidemic in our culture right now of porn, which also changes brain chemistry and wiring, in some cases making it impossible even to have sex any more with a real person. But even in such drastic cases, abstinence, and counseling, can eventually help a person heal and learn to be more normal again.

    Brain wiring and changes in brain chemistry should never be used as an excuse to rationalize sinful behavior like this (or just say destructive behavior if someone does not believe in sin). It is possible to quit, and possible to “rewire” your brain even if its a long tough process

    Like

  37. thorin25 says:

    Spinning top, I will pray for your husband right now, for his repentance and willingness to change. How can we all pray for you, yourself?

    Like

  38. CD wife says:

    Wise words Spinning top and Thorin thank you. They say with Porn addiction the recovery rate is less than one percent and i see the correlation between the two addictions.

    Like

  39. Lisa says:

    Hi spinning top. I totally understand what you’re saying. Financial reasons, kids etc. I just wouldn’t be able to take being second best to his crossdressing. I will hope and pray he quits and makes you number one again. As you say you need to focus on making yourself happy.

    Like

  40. Pamela says:

    Is there a secret facebook group where we can discuss stuff more easily? The ones i found are closed or public and i dont want to risk anyone finding out our secret as friends can see if you post in a public group and also see your membership in closed groups

    Like

  41. thorin25 says:

    Pamela, you are about the 4th wife to ask about such a group, so I think I will make one sometime, connected to this blog. But I cannot promise it will be soon. But this page will remain as the primary place for discussion, and then there can be a private forum as well. Many of the wives here are not interested in a private forum, so they will primarily just be using this page, which is great too.

    Like

  42. CD wife says:

    Pamela you haven’t told us anything about yourself which i must admit i find a little strange. Why should anyone know who you are on here ? I am CD wife do you know who i am ??
    By wives talking on this page we can help each other and by their own admission some of the men find it useful to see our pain. It brings home to them what their addiction does to us.
    So i hope you will join us here and tell us more about yourself. I look forward to learning more about you and hope you get the support you need with us.

    Like

  43. SpinningTop says:

    Thanks Thorin. I guess please just pray that I continue to make smart choices and continue to have the strength to stand up for myself. That is what I need most. I’ll admit in the early years of our marriage, after I’d shockingly found out about all this, that I tried to be the accepting and even participating wife. That was a huge mistake and over time eroded my respect for my husband and I pretty much shut down altogether. We’ve communicated a lot since then, and I’ve since voiced my feelings and made some solid decisions and so far things are much better. But it still hurts to think what I went through and I don’t want to go there again. So strength is needed!

    And Pamela, a private forum does sound good. I’ll admit I get nervous writing anywhere too. Only because I know how prevalent crossdressing actually is in the male population and wouldn’t be surprised if men I know stumble across these sites, too. They wouldn’t know who I am of course, but it’s impossible to divulge more personal info, which can be handy in the healing process.

    We could always email? I actually use an anonymous email to post here that I’ve made recently so as to not be found using my usual mom email. That would not be good lol. Sort of sad, isn’t it, that crossdressing forces us to be so secretive and covert.

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  44. Pamela says:

    Well my husband told me he has crossdressed when feeling very stressed and when we have unresolved issues between us. Besides that he says he never thinks about it. But i cant get the image of him dressed out of my head and it is causing me anxiety since online all I read is couples divorcing over this. I need to hear that it can still work…

    Like

  45. Karen says:

    Your marriage can definitely still work, Pamela. 🙂 There are many options – God is able to completely heal this illness. If He does not choose to work in that way, there are still options…but most importantly you need to be sure to take good care of YOU. Then you can (together with your husband, or on your own) get some good counseling and work out whatever compromise you can both live with. If you find that you cannot accept any part of his cross dressing, and he refuses to stop, you can make it on your own. Not saying it will be easy, because ANY way things might go, it will be a difficult road. But life IS hard…and God is good. Stay close to Him through this, look for His will and guidance, and you will do fine. Thorin has some info on possible counselors, if you do not have a pastor or therapist you are comfortable with. Keep sharing here, please…you will find it is tremendously helpful to know you aren’t alone. I’m praying for you!

    Like

  46. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    I’ve read a new book called “Transgender” A talking points book, by Vaughan Roberts. It’s a short book with a wonderful Gospel message, and saying how art restorers don’t change the picture the way they want, so as fallen created beings we need restoration, not to change the creator’s original intent. Waiting for my husband to agree to read the book.

    Like

  47. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Pamela, Crossdressing is in itself an “unresolved issue between you”. He is making excuses, and trying to put some of the blame on you. Don’t accept any blame for it.

    Like

  48. Pamela says:

    Hurting Wife Dot but transgenderism has nothing to do with cross-dressing…

    Like

  49. thorin25 says:

    I have that book on my list and hope to read it soon. Pamela, you are right that two issues are quite different, but there is extensive overlap. I can’t tell you the number of stories I’ve read of people who started out as crossdressers, even for sexual reasons, who eventually came to realize or claimed to be “transgender” and then started living as women. There is a lot more overlap between the groups than many, even in the transgender community, would care to admit. Also, they both need similar treatments of being content with who we are, living as who God created us to be. If you are interested in more of the studies on the various types of crossdressers, and transgendered people and overlaps, I can give you some posts to read.

    Like

  50. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Pamela & Thorin, thanks for your comments. Focus on the Family recommended the book to us. The first chapter quotes definitions form an LGBTQ organization, and in the definitions of transgender and transitioning are the terms crossdresser. Also, Thorin is right that there is similar helps, mainly, looking to Jesus and what the Bible has to say. It is a gentle read on the subject, with Good news gospel. Even though my husband insists he isn’t trans, some of his actions have been transitioning (like shaving his legs, besides the clothes). He seems afraid to read the book (Though SAYS he isn’t afraid). It only took me less than 2 hours to read the book. Only costs about $4. I keep rereading many parts of it, and gave one to our pastor this week.

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  51. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    If crossdressing has nothing to do with transgender, why does my husband keep refusing to read the little book? He acts very fearful of the book, though he has adamantly said before that he isn’t transgender.

    Like

  52. thorin25 says:

    If he doesn’t want to read that book because he says he isn’t transgender but only crossdresses, then have him read my posts instead. Easy solution 🙂

    You’ll notice I’ve highlighted the most important posts in each category – https://healingcd.wordpress.com/most-important-posts/

    Like

  53. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    Wish I could talk to someone today. Last week I again found his “stuff”. I thought I was picking up what looked like a couple of tissues on the floor in front of his dresser, and it was white knee high stockings. There was black ones with some kind of ridges on the feet, I guess for not slipping, but I’ve never seen anything like that. ……Well, I’ll testify of the Lord’s goodness in that I just got a phone call from Family Life asking for donations, and I couldn’t help but cry and tell her my need. I’m glad God gave me a caring human to talk to for a minute! It hurts so extreeemly bad when my husband, who is told in God’s Word to love me, and it was preached Sunday, too, but he keeps rejecting and ignoring, and grouching/yelling at me. And it’s all because I’m standing with God against his CD. We even went to intensive counseling a year and a half ago, where he said he would quit, but quickly changed his word at home to just not in the bedroom, then to that he said just not in bed. And he refuses to do any of the things suggested by the counselor even for improving communication, or anything! I’ve told him he can’t stay married and keep CDing, but he says yes he can. Does he win? No, Lord Jesus wins! Somehow, someway, Jesus Christ wins!!!

    Like

  54. Dot says:

    Thorin, please pray for my husband. He won’t read your posts either. Our pastor told him to read here 3 years ago. Only the Lord can break his stubornness.

    Like

  55. thorin25 says:

    Hurting wife, I recommend upping the pressure. He is not taking you seriously, nor taking seriously the consequences of his actions. He is being unfaithful to you in marriage. Tell him you don’t really want to do this, but if he refuses to quit his sin, you will talk to your pastor about it, telling him everything. Or a trusted mutual friend of both you and your husband, a Christian, who can help you challenge your husband, like an intervention. If he still refuses to quit then you have to start thinking about the awful word of divorce. Hopefully you never get to that point, but beginning to talk about it could shake your husband back into reality and give him the courage he needs to work on quitting. This sin keeps you in a fog, and you don’t think clearly. You taking some serious steps could shake him back to reality out of that fog. I’ve seen this many times happening, with good results, since starting this blog and talking to wives like you.

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  56. thorin25 says:

    Dot, I would say the same to you as I just did to Hurting wife. You can’t just let this slide. He is living in sin, breaking the marriage covenant, no different from committing adultery. Ask yourself what you would do if he was committing adultery and refusing to stop. Then do the same thing in your real situation. Talk to the pastor, tell everything, tell the pastor you need the church’s help, church discipline, to get your husband to come out of his sin.

    Praying for both of you and your husbands

    Like

  57. thorin25 says:

    Before telling the pastor or friends, etc. bring it up to your husbands first. Give them a chance to repent then and there and change. If they refuse, start bringing other people in. Even if divorce is out of the question in your mind, you still need to bring it up, because as terrible as divorce is, its better than living with a constantly unfaithful unrepentant husband. Just bringing it up could yield powerful results. If you bring it up and does nothing, go see a lawyer start working on the divorce papers, but don’t finalize it. Show your husband the papers so he can see your seriousness. Another great opportunity for him to repent before really having a divorce

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  58. Karen says:

    I am so sorry for your pain, Dot. I have been there, and still am at times. I feel, for my own marriage, that the heart is the main and first issue — my husband needs to be overpowered by God’s love, Jesus’ love and by the Holy Spirit. Once that happens, he will want to change his ways and live as the Lord tells him to. I am praying that I can be the wife that God wants me to be, and that I live Christ’s love. For now, I am just focusing on those prayers for myself and for my husband, and reading the Word daily, asking God to give me clarity. I will pray for you and your husband as well. Please know you are definitely not alone.

    Like

  59. CD wife says:

    My love and prayers are with you all.X

    Like

  60. Kelly Sampler says:

    Hi everyone,

    My fiancé is addicted to crossdressing and has been since his teenage years. He opened up to me about it a year into our relationship and has since then been trying so incredibly hard to fight this addiction. He goes to group therapy sessions, he has a network of people he calls and checks in with daily, he prays daily, etc. We have been seeing results and improvements but he still does slip occasionally. When this happens, it does hurt me, but I’m unsure of how to react. I want to be encouraging to him, so often times I downplay how I’m feeling in order to not add to the guilt and shame he already feels. In the Alcoholics Anonymous book, the section written for wives emphasizes that we should joyously take them in to our arms and get back to working on the addiction. How do I do that while also respecting myself and my feelings?

    Also, where do I draw the line in my involvement? He writes in a journal every day and shares it with me so that I can have an idea of his mindset, etc. At first it was fine but I’m starting to wish that I didn’t have the journal available so I didn’t have to have this be a part of my everyday life. But, again, I know the importance of being supportive and I don’t want him to think that since I don’t want to read the journal, I’m not interested in his recovery. How do I actively help my fiancé and encourage and support him, but not have his addiction be on my mind so much?

    I hope this all made sense. Please let me know if you need more information on anything. As I’m sure a lot of you know, there’s a lot that can be said and a lot of nuanced situations involved. Thank you and God bless!!

    Like

  61. thorin25 says:

    Kelly, I think you are doing well. Keep encouraging, keep forgiving, keep loving, and for both of you, it’s really important not to be thinking about CD constantly. There is more to life. Focus on serving together in the church, the community, focus on doing fun things together. Do some projects together. Be intentional about living life and not constantly thinking about CD.

    Like with all addictions, you can expect there to be failures in the process of healing and recovery. At the same time, as you keep forgiving, make sure to encourage him to do whatever it takes to put this addiction to death. He is doing a lot already, which sounds really good. But you can also suggest he join our prayer group here and reads my posts, which would help him a lot I think.

    As far as your role, I think you will be helped to think that through by reading some of these posts and articles:
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/get-an-accountability-partner/
    http://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/01/16/know-recovery/
    http://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/20/should-my-wife-be-my-accountability-partner-the-experts-give-their-answer/

    Does he confess to you every time he slips up? My wife and I decided I would not do so as it was only bringing us both down, and I have really good accountability partners. She wanted me to talk about it with my accountability partners, not her. Likewise she has an accountability partner and she talks about her struggles and sinful thoughts with that partner rather than telling me everytime she has sinful thoughts or whatever. That has been healthy for us, she knows she can ask about it whenever she wants to though and that I will be honest.

    When he slips us, what is he doing? If he is using your clothes, there may be some things that you can do to help him, that you can discuss together. Such as having separate closets, doing laundry separately, separate dressers, not leaving clothes hanging around, etc. Read this post, especially the last part:
    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2015/11/04/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser-or-transgendered-person/

    Like

  62. Karen says:

    Welcome, Kelly! I can completely relate to everything you have written. You are certainly on the right track in supporting your loved one while protecting yourself. Thorin has given some excellent suggestions; I have one more: look for ways that you and your fiance can fill your time together with positive, fun, non-CD activities. Not that you should ignore the CD issue completely of course, but my husband and I are finding it helpful to focus on spending quality upbeat time together. We play board games, go for drives, and have been working on a couple of book studies together (nothing to do with CD). We find it really important to look for more ways to add “happy, fun time” to our relationship. Oh – and if you want to do a book study together I highly recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Keep up the great work, Kelly, it sounds like both you and your fiance are doing a lot of things right and well. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  63. Kelly says:

    Thank you both, Thorin25 and Karen, for your responses. I feel so relieved to know I have people other than my fiance that I can talk to about this, and who have a better idea of what it feels like to be in my shoes.

    Thoris25, I have looked at those links, and I do find them very helpful. Thank you. Yes, when he slips up he does tell me every time. I really appreciate his honesty but now that I think about it, it doesn’t really offer me any more than that. I comfort and encourage him after he slips, and he says it means the world to him and he feels so much more hopeful, determined, etc. And I too am hopeful, but there is a sense of “living in fear” or bracing myself for the next slip. Should I ask him not to tell me about his slips/temptations unless there is something that I can directly do to help? Otherwise, he is displaying honesty, yes, but to what benefit?

    I want our relationship to be as intimate as possible, and a part of me is still afraid that if we aren’t dealing with this thing together then an opportunity for deeper intimacy is being lost. I hope that makes sense.

    Karen, thank you! Yes, we really do have fun doing other things to fill out time. We like to travel together quite a bit, and play video games, etc. I actually gave him The 5 Love Languages as a gift for our first Valentine’s Day together! I read the whole thing, and he got about halfway haha. I’ll urge him to try picking it up again. Thank you so much for your help!

    Like

  64. thorin25 says:

    I think to your question, it depends on each couple, and what you both need. For us, that was not the best thing. But for others it might be really helpful. I hope he has an accountability partner, besides you, that he shares the details with. Although he may be the one dealing with the major sin problem right now, it might make the relationship more balanced were you to share with him also what things you are working on yourself (even if they don’t seem as major to either of you), such as growing in prayer life, trying to be less selfish, serving others, etc.

    Like

  65. Kelly says:

    You’re absolutely right. We’ve been so focused on his sins, my own have taken a backseat. Will try being more transparent about my shortcomings. Thank you!

    Like

  66. Wanda says:

    I know my husband crossdresses. We have been married 36 years. How do I tell him it is okay to dress. I really want to buy him things that I would like him to wear. I would like to do his makeup, help him fit bras, panties and pants/dresses, wigs, etc… The experience kinda turns me on but I don’t want him to be embarrassed. Any help here from wives of crossdressers would be appreciated.

    Like

  67. Temptedsinner says:

    Hi Wanda,
    I’m sorry but I think that you have come to the wrong place for that type of advice. This blog is about Healing from this addiction of crossdressing. I am sure that you can find thousands of other sites to provide you with what you are looking for.

    Like

  68. Jenny Robbins says:

    Hi, I have been married for 31 years and have known about the CDing since year 12. We have gone through marriage counseling off and on through the years, we are Christians and I am a mental health counselor. My husband was diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a psychiatrist many years ago and has been dressing off and on since age 5. He adamantly says he would never want to be a woman, or take it any further than dressing in private. He also denies any sexual arousement from dressing and years ago I decided that I would try to be “accepting” and I let him dress around me and even shopped with him, and I certainly did not see any indication that he was aroused in anyway from dressing. He said he has never masturbated or gotten turned on with dressing. Nonetheless, we went to counseling after that because it really messed with my head and my attraction to him. That was about seven or eight years ago and he agreed to give it up and did well for quite a while. However, it never really went away he just did it in secret off and on over the years and still does. We talk about it openly and I try to understand, coming from a psychology background I understand the mental disorder and I battle with whether it is a sin or not. The boundary I have set with him is that there cannot be any secrets, he can’t dress around me, and he has to talk to me about his feelings and triggers surrounding the dressing and I can talk to him about my feelings surrounding it as well. I know the Lord loves him and he will tell me how much he loves being my husband and being a man, but he will also say he enjoys his time dressing. He to struggles to know whether this is a sin for him, he will feel guilty and purge everything and then eventually buy some more. We have an amazing marriage and I have a strong relationship with the Lord and the Lord tells me to love my husband and approach this with compassion in the way Christ would.

    Like

  69. thorin25 says:

    Jenny, thanks for commenting here at my blog and for reaching out. I’m sure the ladies here will love to discuss with you. I only have a minute right now, but I strongly suggest reading this post and then asking the question – what makes him want to crossdress if it’s not he feels like a woman, and it’s not sexual? Finding the root cause will help you both to find a healthy alternative to meeting whatever needs he’s trying to meet.

    https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/an-alternative-method-integration-and-contentment/

    I also strongly suggest your husband comes here and starts reading the posts and discussing with the community here

    Like

  70. Nosillasite says:

    Hi Jenny..

    While I feel you big time, I can’t understand how you can have an amazing marriage.. my husband and I haven’t had sex 12 in the 17 years we’ve been married, so to me I was told that it’s not only a sexual need but biblical to “become one with your husband” .. (I don’t mean to come across mean here, just frustration..)
    We’ve been through all that counseling and I actually continue to go to counseling and always will.. he stopped.. I joined our Worship team (singing ) to see if GOD can somehow find a way to supernaturally make our marriage work (being we are both musicians) .. If you back track my past posts, it’s been rough, even in this forum, but I had to read this and I felt a connection with you..

    Prayers,
    Nosilla

    Like

  71. Jenny Robbins says:

    Hi, Thorin, yes he dresses because he feels like a woman. I just meant dressing makes him feel “normal” or “relaxed”. He doesn’t dress to get turned on sexually.
    Nosilla, thanks for the reply and honesty. I used the word amazing, because there have been so many worse times in our marriage, where we have separated and even divorced one time and then got back together. So compared to all that, this is amazing. We communicate, and most of all enjoy being together. But it’s not perfection. As far as the sex goes, it’s about every three months, which after reading many of these post sounds about average.

    Like

  72. CD wife says:

    Jenny are you really happy with sex every 3 months? ? No two couples are the same but i would say for the average “normal ” couple that would be outrageous but if it works for you and him then it’s not worth any discussion.
    Welcome to this blog you now know you are not alone.

    Like

  73. thorin25 says:

    I’ve asked around a lot as a pastor, and read many articles online about the subject, and I think once a week is about average. My wife and I are on the once a week pattern and honestly, for me to be satisfied, at least 2-3 times a week would be what I would want. Note this article says if you are having sex once a month or less, it qualifies as a “sexless marriage.” http://themarriageplace.com/2016/03/not-having-sex/

    It’s wrong to think that all men want sex more than women tend to want sex. Some men just don’t desire it that much and there are many hard marriages because the husband wants sex less than the wife. On the other hand, most studies show that men want sex much more often than women. So when a husband is not having sex much, you have to make sure the cause. Does he have a low sex drive? It’s possible certainly. Or is it that CD is taking the place of it? or pornography? Or masturbation?

    Read this and let us know your thoughts –
    http://www.tbuckner.com/TRANSVES.HTM

    and https://healingcd.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/crossdressing-without-sexual-component/

    Like

  74. CD wife says:

    Absolutely Thorin and let us not forget Sexual Anorexia because its the avoidance of intimacy and like all addictions it takes them away from us.
    I didn’t comment much further on my last post because it’s up to the individual if they are happy with the situation and when it hurts enough they will address it just like the addict.

    Like

  75. Jenny Robbins says:

    Interesting article. Thanks. I never really connected his low libido with the CD, only because over ther 31 years we have had sex more often (weekly) in the early years of marriage, less when babies came along, more as they got older, less when we had marriage problems, more after empty nest, etc. I haven’t seen a correlation during the times he would quit dressing. I am not trying to be in denial or anything, because it would not surprise me if his lack of sex drive had to do with his gender issues. Would I like to have sex more often? Of course. But is that a dealbreaker for me? Obviously not, as I am still here. My biggest struggle right now is whether or not I am enabling or condoning this behavior. Most important thing to me is my relationship with Christ and I am just really confused. And honestly so tired of my head spinning about it. I keep surrendering it to the Lord and praying about it, but my gut is in knots. I absolutely love being married to my husband, I really do, we have a great time together and he is my best friend. If I can block out the CD part, ignorance seems to be bliss for me…but that can only last so long before I start thinking about what he is doing when I am not around.

    Like

  76. thorin25 says:

    Jenny, why not see if your husband is willing to read some of my posts and discuss them with me and the people here?

    Like

  77. CD wife says:

    Jenny i found great benefit from attending Alanon . It doesn’t matter that you are not dealing with Alcoholism it will be all about you and you are so important.

    Like

  78. Karen says:

    Jenny, I think I am in a similar situation. After a lot of discussion, compromising and prayer, I feel like at this time my role is to be the best loving wife I can be, trying to win my husband to a stronger love of the Lord through my loving actions and words. I pray that God’s love will so overwhelm my husband that he will be drawn closer and closer to Him. I am believing that once my husband has a closer walk with God, He will work with my husband on his behavior. I just am hearing God insist that the most important thing is love…and I am trusting God to do the rest. Don’t know if this makes any sense, but please know you are not alone!

    Like

  79. Jenny Robbins says:

    Karen, yes I feel the same way. I do believe God is working and the Holy Spirit will get a hold of him. In the meantime I need to take care of what I need and keep my boundaries. What have you set with your husband?

    Thorin, I forwarded him the link via email and asked him to check it out.

    Like

  80. Temptedsinner says:

    Awesome words Karen….
    Thank You ❤

    Like

  81. Karen says:

    Jenny, you asked what boundaries I’ve set with my husband. I’d say my boundaries have changed over time and depending on the situation.

    Early in our marriage there were basically no boundaries. He dressed only occasionally in front of me and I was okay with that. It became a problem for me after a year or two when I felt it had become a sexual issue and I began feeling like just an object rather than a beloved wife. I told him I was no longer willing to see him dressed up; he could dress if he wished when I was not around to see him.

    This seemed to work out fine for maybe 10 or 12 years. He wasn’t all that interested in it and often went months or even years without it. When he did CD he kept it private. Then he made a major change in his involvement with crossdressing. I think it is the condition some people call “pink fog.” As my husband approached his 50’s (over the past 2 years or so – he will be 50 next week), he became much more interested in CD again. Instead of just dressing up occasionally in private, he wanted to FULLY dress up (in addition to clothes, he wanted breast forms, makeup, wig, etc.) He also began to experiment with going out dressed in public. He was careful to keep his dressing away from me as I had requested. Because he works midnight shift, he dresses at night on his off work days, and goes out shopping while I sleep. I didn’t realize how often he was doing this until it had been going on for a year or more. I did realize that his focus seemed to be on his crossdressing life, and I felt completely unimportant in our relationship.

    Over time I found he had gotten quite close to some people he met at a local gas station. He feels especially drawn to one woman who works there because she was the first person who he thought freely accepted him in his feminine state; she helped him choose his “feminine name.” (Crazy!) Once I became aware of this relationship – which had no sexual involvement I am quite sure, but seemed much too emotionally involved – I realized that things had gotten out of hand as far as I was concerned. By asking him to keep me out of his CD life, I had pretty much allowed him to shut me out. I decided to be more involved. I told him I would go out with him occasionally when he was dressed up. I thought that by sharing this, we might become close again. However, that “pink fog” seemed to have taken over. What I was really unable to deal with was not so much the act of CD, but my husband’s obsession with it.

    After a while I told him that I was not comfortable with him going out dressed in public. By that time it was an important part of his life. We reached the point where I told him that if I was to stay in our marriage, there must be no CDing in public. He decided he could not give that up, so we agreed to separate. That was my “new” boundary, I guess – no public CDing. However, after being apart a few days I wondered if there was something we could do to save our marriage. We met to discuss a compromise. Our compromise was based on what we each felt we could try to live with: He WILL go out in public when CD, but only with me, only non-local places. Exceptions to that rule are he can go to his church, counseling appointments, support groups, etc. locally without me and while dressed. The frequency is cut down by about half (he was going out a couple times a week; our new agreement is no more than once a week). He will not go to visit the woman he’d become close to at the gas station and his other friends there unless I am with him.

    Writing this down, I can imagine you thinking that he sure got most of what he wanted out of our arrangement! Actually, he feels like what he wants most is to be accepted in his female persona whenever he chooses to present that way. He feels like he is compromising a lot to have any limits at all put on his behavior.

    In a way it seems like my wishes are not being met at all, but actually my main need was/is to have my husband’s focus be on me and our marriage rather than on CDing. I’d rather he completely stop CDing, that any desire for it would disappear. I am trying to trust that God will work a miracle in this area, but meanwhile I am staying out of His way. This is my husband’s behavior that is between him and God. (Yes, he is a saved Christian, but does not have a real relationship with Jesus. My prayers are greatly focused on that area – that he would know God’s amazing, overwhelming love for him, that he would draw closer and closer to God, and that I would be the sort of loving wife that encourages that relationship.) All I can insist on is what I am able to live with, and for now I can live with the CD as long as it is not the major focus of my husband’s life. All of this struggle (me finding out how deep he had gotten into the public CDing, our separation and our new compromise) has come about in the past 3 months. Things are different with his CDing during the summer – he does not do public CDing then. Wigs are too hot, he doesn’t want to shave his legs, blah, blah, blah. (I really dislike even thinking about all of that!) So there has been a reprieve, and I am waiting to see how things go when he once again starts wanting to go out dressed in public, which will be in the next month or two most likely. Unless God’s miracle happens before that! 🙂 We have spent this summer working very hard on strengthening our relationship. We have been doing book studies (The Five Love Languages was a favorite) and are trying to really focus on each other. I think we are so close right now that if my husband goes into another “pink fog” when he resumes public CDing, it will be obvious to him how that changes our close relationship. At that point he will need to make a decision – can he do this with CDing simmering on the back burner, and keep our relationship the priority? Or will he choose to neglect what we’ve built this summer and focus on the CDing?

    That leads to my boundaries. Yes, I’ve agreed to some guidelines about CDing. But my actual boundaries (and as you can tell, I am not at all good about setting them!), have to do with keeping our marriage sacred. I cannot control what my husband does and I really do not want to. I want to leave that to God. But I can control what I am willing to live with. I will live with his CDing if it follows our compromise, but I WILL NOT accept ME being put on the back burner. I must be his priority. We must keep our relationship alive, vital and loving. It is not an easy-to-see boundary, but I insist on being first in my husband’s life. If my needs are not coming first, I most likely will have to go back to the no-public-crossdressing or even just NO CDing boundary, realizing that could mean our marriage is finished. At this time, though, I feel strongly that God is telling me to focus on growing our right relationship and on praying and living in a way that pulls my husband closer to God so that He can work with him on those behaviors He chooses.

    Sorry for the long story! In a way it is a bit of a general update from when I was first posting here in early summer. But it also sort of explains and states my boundaries. Again, I am not good at setting boundaries and I will be working hard on this in my own counseling sessions. I think it is most important that each of us set our boundaries based on what we are able to live (even thrive?) with. For some, that will mean simply NO crossdressing; others will have certain more or less restrictive rules for CDing. We each need to prayerfully seek God’s guidance and take good care of ourselves first. Then trust God to do His mighty works, and look forward to that comes next.

    Like

  82. Jenny Robbins says:

    Thanks Karen, your post helped a lot. I have made an appointment to talk to a counselor so that I can explore what I am comfortable with. I decided to go shopping with him yesterday because I wanted to see how I would feel, and actually I am not as freaked out as I thought I would be. Still don’t want him to dress in front of me but somehow knowing what’s in his wardrobe is less scary for me. He still has no desire to go in public and says since we no longer have any secrets surrounding his dressing he feels closer to me and doesn’t feel like he needs to do it as often…we will see how it goes. I could relate to the pink cloud and my husband is 53 and I think his age has definitely sparked these latest events.

    Like

  83. Karen says:

    A song I heard when I was coming home after our short separation…I especially like the words, “…darkness will always lose to the light.” Maybe it will encourage someone here. This is by Chris August, called Restore.

    Like

  84. CD wife says:

    I’m afraid it didn’t work for me indeed i became very ill praying and hoping it would all work out. This beast of an addiction still has my husband in it’s grip. He is in his sixties now and i’m so glad i am not wasting any more time enough was enough.
    Take great care of yourselves ladies you can only help save someone who wants to be saved.

    Like

  85. thorin25 says:

    Jenny and Karen, please don’t take this comment as an attack. I really appreciate you both and your gentle caring dialogue with each other and the other ladies here. As someone who has been addicted to crossdressing, I read your posts and am very disturbed. It’s so so good that you want to save your marriages. It’s so so good that you are looking to God to change your husbands and not putting that burden all on yourselves. But at the same time, tolerance of such destructive addictive perverted behavior cannot do much good, short term or long term. I just want to say one thing for you to think about. If it was pornography addiction instead of CD, would you still tolerate it as long as he did it only once a week and not in your presence, or only in your presence? If not, why the difference? Or if it was adultery? Maybe I’m wrong, but I think most of you would divorce sooner than tolerating regular adultery. Yet you are willing to tolerate CD. Why? Again, please don’t take this as me attacking either of you. I’m not. I only speak in love, because I care about both of you, and it’s so hard to see you in these situations, feeling like you have to tolerate something that you shouldn’t have to tolerate. I will pray for both of you right now. Even if you disagree with me, please keep commenting and caring for one another and praying for one another. This is a safe place for all of you, even when you choose to deal with the CD husband issue in different ways from one another, you all should keep commenting and feeling supported. Thank you for sharing your stories, and thank you for your prayers for each other and for me and this ministry

    Like

  86. CD wife says:

    Thorin i absolutely agree with you. What worries me ladies is that we can become very stressed slowly without realising the damage we are doing to ourselves. Someone said i was like the frog that was being heated up slowly and didn’t realise i was boiling until i found myself in a hospital bed.
    I didn’t know what to say to your posts so i will just say i am worried for you and as with all addictions you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved because if they did they would be going to what ever lengths they need to in order to be in recovery.
    I’m praying for you dear ladies please take care of yourselves each day.

    Liked by 1 person

  87. CD wife says:

    I have a question for you ladies. Does your husband suffer from Erectile Dysfunction ie not being able to get or maintain an erection or not being able to ejaculate? This is a sure sign he is taking his pleasure without you but with himself and his cding.
    Also i regard cding as adultery because he is getting release from elsewhere and not concentrating on you. I have always felt this.

    Like

  88. Jenny Robbins says:

    I get what you are saying Thorin, but I have been through adultry and there is no comparison in the pain and betrayal, and CDing vs. having sex with another women is definitely not the same, but sin is sin and we all are accountable for our sins and consequences of the sin.

    CD wife we have never had any issues with erectile dysfunction nor has he ever declined when I want to have sex, he has a low sex drive but always puts my needs first, us not having sex very often is just as much my fault as it is his.

    Like

  89. CD wife says:

    I feel also that being married to a Crossdresser is similar to finding out your husband is gay in so much as you just can’t compete if you understand what i mean.
    It is a beast to live with and we need Gods hand to help us that’s for sure.
    Jenny my prayers are with you.

    Like

  90. thorin25 says:

    You ladies should check out the organization Harvest USA I just shared in my recent post, they do a lot of support groups and things for wives.

    Like

  91. CD wife says:

    Thank you Thorin for thinking about us and caring.

    Like

  92. Karen says:

    Thank you for your kind words, thorin, and CD wife I thank you for caring. 🙂 Of course I am not positive I am handling this situation correctly, but I am closer than ever to God and begging and listening for His guidance, and I keep hearing that my job is to love my husband and pray for him to be closer to God, and God will deal with his sin. I am pretty sure that I could not tolerate adultery. But I am able to tolerate CDing, with the boundaries we’ve agreed on. No, it is not my ideal, but it is not his ideal either. I understand that I need to be very careful of ignoring my own needs and ending up in a serious depression (I have dealt with major clinical depression for many years). I am just doing my best and trying to do what God is telling me to do…and I greatly appreciate your prayers and sharing.

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