Wives of Crossdressers Chat

This page was made upon request, for wives of crossdressers to have a place for discussion. There are other forums for crossdressers’ wives on the net, and I’ve linked to some of those on my links page. This page is intended to be a place where wives can support one another, give advice, pray for one another, and discuss these complicated issues. Since there are other general forums out there, this page will be mainly intended for those wives who view crossdressing as sinful or unhealthy, and for those wives who are Christians.  But all wives of crossdressers should feel very welcome to comment and discuss here.

I cannot add a forum into my site, so you will just have to comment and reply as one long thread. If you are a new user, I usually can approve you within a day or two.  I hold all email addresses with confidentiality, but for those of you who are rightly worried about security and anonymity, it’s easy to make a new email address with anonymous names, which you could do before commenting here.  If you have ideas about editing the description above, or have other ideas for this page, let me know.

I highly suggest you read this post which is for people trying to help those struggling with crossdressing, with a special long section especially directed to you wives – Giving pastoral care to a crossdresser or transgendered person


*Please do not post your email in the body of the comment itself. It is important to protect yourself from spam and potential harassment by never publicly posting your personal information (such as your email address) on this or any other blog. Rest assured that I will keep your email address confidential.

1,229 comments on “Wives of Crossdressers Chat

  1. CD wife says:

    Lisa i feel there have been enough secrets kept from me. I prefer to be open and honest as i have been all my life. I have nothing to hide and nothing to say that i wouldn’t want both sides to read and i pray my words may help someone. Certainly this forum has made me feel less alone and i have benefited from both sides shares.


  2. Yes I agree it should not be kept private because by seeing what is going on in the lives not only of the wives but other family members as well it allows those like myself who follow the blog to pray more intelligently and up to date for the wives and families another aspect is,and I know I’m not alone in this from reading the wives section that we men can and in my case have been convicted and challenged about the pain I have caused my wife over the years. I continue to pray for everyone on the blog including those who seem to disappear and I wonder how they are doing I just keep reminding myself that our loving Father knows where were all at and that’s why we can come to him confidently and boldly what a privilege on this Sunday morning and indeed every morning.God bless all you wives and families and keep up the good work Thorin God is using you


  3. Hurting Wife Dot says:

    I have seen other websites that have multiple threads for different topics. As I read, I have thoughts to comment (like thank you CD Wife for replying to me), but as I keep reading before getting to the end, I forget what I wanted to say.


  4. CD wife says:

    Godsgirl You talk about being safe. All children have a right to be safe if as you said your husband is looking at under age girls he needs to be reported to the police immediately.


  5. CD wife says:

    You are welcome Hurting Wife.


  6. Temptedsinner says:

    Incredibly AWESOME!!!


  7. CD wife says:

    Keep your feet on the ground Godsgirl this is a man you informed us looked at underage girl porn. I would have turned him in.
    Keep the focus on yourself.I’m praying for you. Time will tell.


  8. Lisa says:

    I agree with CD wife on this. Crossdressing is one thing which can be overcome. Looking at underage girl porn is very scary. I’m praying you make the right decision Godsgirl. I can see only one way to go. Please think about yourself and your kids.


  9. CD wife says:

    They may call themselves experts but trust me they have no way of knowing if he is sincere and if they are telling you this i would SACK them. You may think you have everything covered that he accesses the internet with but you have no way of knowing. Addicts are always one step ahead.
    Also in the UK therapists have a duty of care to report him to the authorities with the information they have on him. What you are telling us sounds very suspicious to me. Remember i work in the field.
    If i was the owner of this site i would have you traced. You have gone from what you have told us about him to this sudden extreme change hmm very suspicious indeed !!!!
    As for thanking me for my genuine concern i’m more concerned for the young girls he has abused by viewing them. WAKE UP. You describe yourself as “healthy” !!!! ????? You don’t sound very healthy to me.


  10. DD says:

    CD wife, I think everyone can change. I am a different person from 10 years ago. I am no longer interested in things I was into back then, for instance.

    There is one famous Japanese university professor who is a CDer, and I read an interesting article by him the other day, reading that when he was a teenager, his mother was very harsh, and never satisfied even with his being all-time A student. He recalled that he was living in a fear that someday she would through him away. He wrote that back then, he wanted to kill someone or himself. As reading this, I associated with my husband, whose mother was a kinda same.

    Then, I thought, if that was one of the reasons of their CDing, it could be cured. It is not like they were born like that.

    I have been praying for 9 weeks now, and I see many changes in my husband as well. So I was very happy to read the Godsgirl’s current situation, which gives me so much hope.

    Again, people can change if they want, or if that is what their souls want. Some people may fail in changing, but some will succeed.

    Sometimes, it is hard to hold on to hopes, but keep on praying. And show our affection to them. After praying for weeks, and if you see any change in them, it means, I believe, that THEY ARE READY TO CHANGE. If not, you can always leave the situation! We do what we can do now, and we will decide what we want if we find ourselves hurt too much to take any more. Or maybe, and hopefully, in a year or two, our situations will be soooo much better that we cannot imagine now.


  11. thorin25 says:

    Godsgirl, I’m sorry you don’t feel the positive care you want from this blog. I affirm everything you said and am thanking God for the positive changes your husband is undertaking! No one is too far away from God’s grace being able to change him. Even Jeffrey Dahmer became a Christian while in prison.

    One thing I would say to you CDwife. Don’t try to make boxes and lines to divide those who are messed up and those who aren’t. We are all messed up. We are not better than her husband. We are all messed up. We all need grace, all need forgiveness, and all need help from others. I see a husband there who has repented, knows he needs help, and is getting the help he needs. I would put my trust in that husband more than most people in this world, because most people are stuck in their sins, in their pride, in their deceit, and don’t realize that they are messed up in need of God’s grace. This man has laid himself bare before not only his wife but other people now too. How many people have done that, whether sex addicts or not? Not many.

    It is not helpful to demonize crossdressers. It is also not helpful to demonize anyone else. CD wife I have appreciated many of your comments here over the years, and I hope the good comments keep coming. But remember that this site is primarily for the recovering addicts such as myself, and I don’t want you to be demonizing us or saying that we are beyond hope of change. You might want to draw a line between me and some of us between people like her husband. But the reality is that that line is really blurry. As I said, we are all messed up, and have all looked at crap online that is really bad and disturbing. But God has rescued us and helped us and we are continuing to get help.

    Even if people believed there was no God, we could have hope that people can choose to change. But if we believe God is real, then it would be silly not to believe that people can change. Go online, read the testimonies of rapists, drug addicts, and others who have come to Christ and have their lives radically changed. Have more hope and positivity! Not every story ends terribly badly like yours apparently did. We sympathize with you and feel for the pain you experienced. But just because your husband could not be trusted, does not mean other ones can’t be trusted.

    Do you understand what I’m getting at? I don’t want this page to turn into an advice column for how to get a divorce. For some marriages, there is hope for change and healing.


  12. CD Wife says:

    Thorin you have made a number of incorrect assumptions about my life. We are talking CHILD PORNOGRAPHY here with Godsgirls husband CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. And it this and this alone that i am horrified about.
    Godsgirl at least inform you children so they can make an informed decision as to whether they want their step father near their children and i again remind you to be vigilant around them when they are near your husband at all times.
    Someone has to speak out here no one else has except Lisa.


  13. Lisa says:

    Hi Thorin. Yes the lines are blurry. But not in the case of child porn. Godsgirl mentioned her husband is just looking not acting upon. Those disgusting thoughts are in his head and kids are around. It’s very disturbing. This sight is for men whom want to stop CD and adult porn. Not for Crossdressing pedophiles.
    I’m sorry if this offends you Thorin but young children must be protected at all costs.


  14. CD wife says:

    I wouldn’t know what type of porn he was watching if he was indeed watching any but if i had proof like you have that he was watching child pornography i would have turned him in.
    Didn’t know you had psychic powers Godsgirl to know what our husbands were looking at.
    Concentrate on your grandchildren and keep them safe away from your paedophile husband.


  15. DD says:

    Let’s make this space a place we can bring anything, without having a fear of being bashed, threatened to report (or make us report) to the police, etc.

    Godsgirl, don’t be discouraged. As Thorin said, I agree that your husband is making a huge step, and that is a huge improvement which should give you a huge reason to be and stay happy!

    We pray, and if things are changing, that means that we are in the right direction. If not, that simply means that we should change the direction!

    Nobody is losing here—— (I am screaming this loud;)


  16. DD says:


    Thanks for your notes.

    I am basically in the same situation as you now. My husband seems to be sober for more than 2 months, while I pray everyday by waking up one hour earlier.

    As I see him changing, I feel that God tells me I am on the right truck with my husband. Then your message only strengthened my faith in God and prayers.

    And I do know what you mean by ‘tomorrow can be another story.’ We can always leave the situation, so let’s not worry about the things that have not happened yet.

    When I started praying, I decided that if nothing changed, I would leave him. So if we pray hard, and nothing changes, then I believe that is also God’s present, letting us know that we should change the course.

    Anyway, as you said, we all have enough hurt from our husbands’ CDing, so let’s just be nice to each other here.

    Have a wonderful weekend to you all!


  17. DD says:

    I actually meditate 15 minutes before praying so that, first, I would not depend my happiness 100% on whether or not he changes (to reach my own mindfulness), and second, that would facilitate my prayers directly to God.

    Yes, you and your husband will definitely in my prayers, too!


  18. thorin25 says:

    Let’s just all agree to move on from this disagreement, and keep on helping one another. Doesn’t do anyone any good to keep rehashing. We all agree that child porn is EXTREMELY serious, but we disagree on whether he really looked at child porn at all, and we disagree on whether he stumbled across that site, or was seeking it out. Let’s move on. It won’t help to keep having the same argument. let’s agree to disagree and support one another because we really are all on the same page against a culture that celebrates CD, transgenderism, and pornography.


  19. thorin25 says:

    Furthermore, she is taking the proper precautions and keeping her children safe. And even if this guy has more temptations in that direction than we realize, he is getting help and changing. What more can we ask for. It’s a miracle! I believe there is hope for everyone, no matter what kind of desires they experience. I don’t want to demonize anyone and say that all we can do for them is lock them up for the rest of their life.

    Regardless, I want to reiterate what I said. We few, men and women, here at this site, stand alone against a tide of sin, a culture that not only tolerates these kinds of sins, but encourages people in them. We must stand together. We don’t have to pretend we are all the same. We can have disagreements on this page. Just as in my prayer group for my guys recovering from CD we have disagreements all the time. That is life. So sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, and keep moving on together.

    God’sgirl made a decision that several of you think was foolish and unwise. That’s fine. It’s okay for you to think that. But we’ve all talked and talked, and she is continuing in the same direction. Now it falls to us to help her as best as we can in the new situation, without digging up old arguments.

    I can guarantee that this will happen many more times. A wife will come on here, get lots of diverse advice, and will not take the advice of everyone, but ultimately make her own decision. We have to allow people freewill but still help them as best as we can. It’s hard to do this, but we must. I get people commenting here on this site all the time, some refuse to believe in God, some refuse to accept that crossdressing is harmful, some people are inspired by my posts but refuse to completely eliminate crossdressing in their lives, some wives encourage their husbands in the activity. I can’t control what they do.

    Anyway, I appreciate all of you, I value all of you even those I disagreed with just now. Another day, we will be in agreement together on a different issue, disagreeing with someone else. We are like a family. Let’s stand together, keep loving each other, and praying together


  20. CD wife says:

    Thorin don’t be fooled track back which i don’t seem to be able to do. I can only go back to the 23rd February and you will see he was looking at very young girls.She also accused my husband of doing the same and all you men as well.
    I am watching for the” amazing progress” and what will be on offer from her.Watch this space !


  21. DD says:



    I think your husband is 90+% recovered and healed!! What is most difficult is not just to decide but to manifest his decisions in action, which he has been doing!!

    I have been asking mine to join my prayers and meditation, and it seems that he is changing for the better.


    I am so———– happy for you. I am re———-ally happy for you and your husband!!! He might be tempted to do something we do not want him to do, but as long as you show your love and support, he can surely quickly get back on the right truck. So, after all, people change. Your husband (and Thorin, of course) gives so much hope for those who want to change their lives but do not believe that is possible. And maybe it is a good idea for you to let him know because it is true!

    Yes, we have to take care of ourselves, because though we believe that our husbands are on the right directions, if we put 100% of our lives/happiness in it, it feels like we are gambling, and I realized that is not healthy.

    I also understand and admire you for putting your daughter first and waited to start a new relationship until you feel that she would not be hurt. When I almost got divorced from my husband, I also thought the kinda same thing, like, ‘If I get divorced now, will I look for another man? But would not it hurt my daughter? If I should wait another 10 years, I may as well give him a chance.’ So again, I admire that you waited for years!! There are so many mothers out there who put their happiness first before those whom they should protect first.

    So, how can God abandon you?

    Do not worry. Whatever happens, you will be happy and laughing with people you love. With whom, I don’t know (though it is most likely your wonderful husband), but I can assure that you will be happy and fulfilled from now on.

    And, our (mothers’) happiness is VERY important for our kids while they have their own family, at least. So, let’s not forget to make ourselves happy:)

    Thanks for sharing your success story! Let’s keep in touch.


  22. DD says:


    I made a mistake in the last parag: our (mothers’) happiness is VERY important for our kids while they have their own family, > our (mothers’) happiness is VERY important for our kids UNTIL they have their own family,



  23. DD says:

    That’s wonderful, Godsgirl!!

    Indeed that God hears us and shows and responds to our prayers in many ways. Sometimes it is so clear and obvious, and even quick, and sometimes it is so subtle that we look over or takes long time.

    You rang me a bell by mentioning something like God makes it happen. Sometimes I start to wonder if all these good changes are just coincident and it is not God that does all these. But just looking back, I started praying everyday 3 months ago, and for the past 2 months, he stopped crossing (though he have not declared yet that he stops or wants to stop. He just stops recently) and our relationship has grown stronger during the time. I just do not believe that all these would have happened if I had lived the way I was, without praying. Put our trust in him totally that he does guide us for the better; we let go of an urge of control and rest in peace.

    We pray and if you receive a message of continuing with the marriage, that’s good.
    If the message indicates to go separate ways, that’s good, too.

    I recently read a book about ‘Silver Birth’ and it reads: If you know on a door and it opens swiftly, you should go on the road, but if it stays closed, you go a different way. That’s how God shows us to a right direction.’

    So, that’s what we all should do not just for our marriage but for every aspect of our lives.

    And that’s why I am sure that everyone here wins and will be happy in the end.

    The book also reads: ‘The lower you reached, the higher you can fly. That’s how God compensates pains.’

    So, we all had the hell-like experience, and that’s why we all will be happier than other people.

    Wishing you all peace and happiness!!! We all will attain them!


  24. CD wife says:

    Thorin on the 18 March at 5 15 am Godsgirl confirmed again her husband looks at teen porn (she admitted before it was underage girls) I want to know what you will be doing about this information on your site before i report it to CEOP in the UK for advice.


  25. Temptedsinner says:

    Dear CD Wife
    I have learned a lot from you over the last couple of years. Your pain, your wisdom and insight to many of the posts on this site. You have been the unofficial leader of the Wives thread and an advocate for you wives not going underground, so that the sins of us CD’s may be exposed in an effort to help other ladies or us men recover from this affliction that has brought us here.

    Obviously you have additional insight into this topic of underage porn. I do believe this ties into human trafficking, child abductions and child abuse. I also believe that at least part of my own sexual addiction is entwined with being sexually abused at a young age. We are all a product of our life experiences.

    I feel compelled to ask you, What is to be gained by stoning a repentant sinner?
    Godsgirl came here totally distraught in tears over her discovery about her husbands crossdressing. If I remember right he was previously a live in sissy maid or servant to a woman in the sex industry. At minimum a prostitute or maybe even a porn actress. I won’t list any of the assorted debaucheries that are designed to capture any or all of us in fantasy role play and to set the hook for these addictions. I also think that GG had said that he was drawn to her because of her closeness to God and that he wanted and needed this in his life? (GG, please correct me if I am wrong)
    I do remember seeing disclaimers on porn video sites calming that all actors and actresses are over the age of 18. Even for “granny porn” Are they or could they be lying? Sure! But I think that the true child porn is deeply underground and not the type that was found by GG.

    My advice to Godsgirl is much the same as yours. Be super vigilant in protecting her children and all kids that they may know. Be super vigilant in monitoring his online activity, especially anything to do with “underage”.

    What we are witnessing is in fact a miracle ! Something similar to what I experienced maybe 4 or 5 years ago. A true repentance of my sins and the way that they hurt God, through Christ. A life changing experience to say the least. I think that you, the other ladies here and this blog site of Thorin’s is at least partially responsible for the conversion going on in this man.

    Do we want to make people both men and women hesitant to be honest on here? For me I find this to be one of 2 places where I feel comfortable to be open and honest. Most of the ladies that post on this thread are open and brutally honest when they come here broken hearted. Where else can we go?

    I do understand your anger. I share it, not only from my own perspective but from and for others who have been similarly abused as children.

    Please reconsider. Please try to find the Mercy of Christ for this man. Please remain here and continue to help us all. You are a valuable part of this small community who speaks out against the trends of society, who wants to embrace and encourage the behaviors we are trying to fight against.



  26. CD wife says:

    First of all Tempted sinner i am not the the unofficial leader of the Wives thread no one is. I am concerned about the children that are being exploited while making these vile films and experience tells me it will take more than prayers and therapy with someone who has not even reported this situation to turn around this man if indeed he can ever be put into long term recovery. Therapists have a duty of care .This addiction is progressive like all addictions and it becomes dangerous when it reaches the stage of viewing child porn and in my country it’s illegal punishable sometimes by a prison sentence and so it should be to serve as a warning.
    This site should not entertain any talk of the subject . If a man finds he is looking at such things he should turn himself in for the authorities to decide what action to take if he is truly repentant. Sorry if this sounds harsh but my heart is with the children and that’s why i am so very concerned about this man.


  27. DD says:

    If his addiction was getting worse, I would share your concern, but since he wants to change his life and he demonstrates it, let’s just observe how things go.

    If he succeeds it, we all, CDers and their wives and others, can have hope that we can change our lives or situations. After all, that’s all we want, correct?

    This space should stay as a place everybody can be honest and share their concerns without any fear.

    Also, creating those dirty sites can be an illegal act, but just watching it cannot be one in modern society, I believe.

    Anyway, really, let’s just pray that this miracle succeeds so that we all can have hope!!


  28. thorin25 says:

    Sigh. I wish my advice was heeded about moving on! I’m very frustrated. Now I had to delete all of Godsgirls comments on this blog as she requested me to do. And now she has left us. CDwife, if your heart was in the right place, and you wanted to help, you’ve now succeeded in driving away this couple on the verge of miraculous change, who would surely have continued to appreciate our encouragement, advice, and prayers. But now they are gone. I’m not sure what you hoped to gain.

    To your question, I am not going to do anything about reporting this. First of all, we don’t know who these people are, so there is nothing that we could do, even if we wanted to. Secondly, I would not report someone who might have stumbled across some offensively labeled pornography, which I don’t even believe was actual child pornography (see Tempted’s post). And this man is repentant! If you want to help the children suffering in this world, you are not going to get very far by punishing those who repent! Go support International Justice Mission with your money, they regularly take down child prostitution rings. But instead you seem to be on a crusade to destroy the life of a repentant sinner, someone who is now on our side trying to bring down pornography! It just makes no sense to me.

    I understand your care for children who suffer in pornography, it is one of the WORST evils in the world. But it is also an evil to try to destroy the lives of those who are repenting and experiencing change and transformation. I’m going to give you another chance, as I know this situation was controversial and you were concerned about children. But if in the future you continue to drive away people from this blog who are experiencing repentance and transformation, I’m going to have to ask you to stop commenting. This has been a deeply disappointing dialogue.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Temptedsinner says:

    Let us stop and silence ourselves, Try to silence our active minds.
    Breathe !
    Be open to the gentle whisper of of the one who loves us more than we know how to love.
    Let Jesus take in all of our combined struggles.
    This is why He died for us !
    Let’s just rest in his wounded hands for just a minute and find a bit of Peace.

    Love and Blessing to all

    Liked by 1 person

  30. thorin25 says:

    Thank you Tempted. I am again going to forgive, and attempt to move past this conversation and have us all move on to other things. Let us remain united together in helping others to repent and heal, both wives and husbands

    Let me try to change the subject, let’s talk about something else. How have you seen God’s grace at work in your life or your family’s life this week?


  31. CD wife says:

    I have one word for your response to me Thorin shameful.


  32. thorin25 says:

    Ok in answering my question, I can start – In one of the young men I’ve been praying for and counseling (in my real life ministry), he was suicidal at the end of last year. But God has been working his life and giving him new hope. There has been a miraculous change. He is not the same person. Now he is smiling and joyful each day and trusting God to help him through his challenges. Thinking about him this week has reminded me of my own powerlessness to change people, that it is up to God, and yet, God can change people in powerful ways through my prayers. It was very encouraging.

    The rest of you? How have you seen God’s grace at work?

    Liked by 1 person

  33. John says:

    I saw God’s grace at work through cdwife’s concerns.Respect to you cdwife.


  34. CD wife says:

    Thank you John.


  35. nosillasite says:

    Hi Everyone,, it has been suggested to me to get on this site ,,, Thank you CDWife … I can really use support and will try to forward what I left on the other page,,, I relate I relate I relate!!!


  36. CD wife says:

    Ooh so glad ! look forward to us helping each other XXXX
    PS Self care self care self care X

    Liked by 1 person

  37. nosillasite says:

    Finally!! I found a place to vent.. I am a wife of a crossdresser and have been doing counseling for years.. he told me the pantyhose fetishes he had in the beginning of our marriage but didn’t think anything of it… became involved in our kids lives, no sex toward really no intimacy.. then I’d find his pantyhose, lingerie, heels, breast enhancements and get pissed off.. well now our kids are in there teenage years and I’ve been really hurting sexually.. we haven’t had sex in a lot of years and it’s been killing our marriage to the point of me having an emotional online affair always looking for some type of validation ,, I believe I fell in love with this guy although unhealthy and am still getting over him… we got close enough to almost meeting in person but never did.. I have since repented and although my husband knew about it, he didn’t blame me because of his lack of intimacy.. he was just angry that I gave him more time then my husband… we have completed 6 months of marital counseling until it got to the point that my husband agreed to go to a sex therapist while I am still working with my therapist. I tried to accept it.. envisioning my husband in drag, yet finding it appalling without me expressing that… it was very hard for him to finally come out to tell me he feels best as a woman in the bedroom.. (this is why we don’t have sex).. My husband and I get along GREAT!! he is so damn funny and a great friend!! he is a wonderful provider and excellent father.. but not having sex for 10 plus years isn’t biblical either.. we are both Christian.. I am trying to accept and pray for him daily.. we are at a standstill and I know the addict mentality being I was 2 years sober from alcohol addiction when we met and have just recently celebrated 21 years of sobriety.. I listen to him since he’s been going to counseling and I haven’t seen him so emotional since he’s “come out” and expressed to me how he loves how women get attention.. how he loves to feel like a woman.. But I am afraid down the road it’s not going to be good.. I don’t want to cheat again being that’s not serving Jesus, but I have a lot of sexual energy being perimenopausal and no where to go with it.. My counselor who is Christian is guiding me through a lot with a lot of prayer.. I don’t know what else to say but I do know I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I really don’t think I can condone this.. HELP.. other CD wives like me I would love to have prayer group with.. Thanks!


  38. nosillasite says:

    Is there a way we can start some sort of prayer group as wives?? Are there other wives here that would be open to this? Kind of like Christian Wives in Recovery over our husbands crossdressing, or something of that nature??


  39. CD wife says:

    I’m not sure about that. I pray for us all (both sides) every day. I like to correspond here in the hope it might help someone. I think it helps the CDs to see our issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. nosillasite says:

    So I said what Thorin25 suggested and he is open to reading your thoughts Thorin, however it is hard for him to do this till I asked him if he would do it for me.. He replied yes.. Happy yet I know I need to stay strong, vigilant, tolerant, patient which will be hard to do.. I cannot lie.. This is when I know I need the strength of Father GOD.. Thanks..


  41. thorin25 says:

    That’s great! I suggest you read along with him and have some times of discussion together. Hopefully he will read with an open mind rather than being defensive.

    Here is a list of all my posts –

    Probably good to read the posts under the category – the harm of crossdressing.
    Also, if he has bought in to all the arguments surrounding transgender, read the articles under that category too. But look through and see what you both want to read together.

    I have a lot to say, and a lot of articles I’ve linked to.

    Don’t let him read 1 or 2 and then stop, make it a long process of reading over weeks/months if necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. nosillasite says:

    Will do… In actuality, he is having a real hard time with all of this… We got into what you can say a “mini argument” last night and GOD knows he is really trying to fight this but I sensed alot of fear.. what would happen if he let go of it kind of stuff… Currently I am looking into Co Dependents Anonymous meetings online since they don’t have them where I live.. it’s all AA and Alanon.. Last night I felt very co dependent and to be quite honest I need some sense of balance through all this.. Thanks Thorin!! He laughed when he heard your name because he said it’s from the “Hobbit”? is that right? 😉


  43. thorin25 says:

    No great significance to “Thorin” I just like Lord of the Rings, and I needed a quick anonymous name a while back when I started commenting on other blogs. So yes, Thorin is from the Hobbit.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. CD wife says:

    Dear nosillasite i note you asked your husband if he would look here for you.With any addiction an addict can only do it for themselves. When they are ready they will go to any lengths for recovery. I see also you said they only have Alanon where you are. Well that would be an excellent place for you to find recovery from your co dependence and you will be made very welcome as the partner of an addict but like your husband it’s when you are ready. I also only had Alanon where i live but i will always thank God i went.


  45. nosillasite says:

    Thanks so much for that CD Wife! That means the world… I can’t help but feel alone at times but instead of sleeping a lot I clean.. so after this break.. I will get back to it!! Thanks again.. I have also reached out to CODA online..


  46. CD wife says:

    What ever helps you is good. CODA is a fellowship so i trust you will get the help you need there. One thing though addiction on both sides thrives in isolation and our secrets make us sick. So for me it’s important to get to meetings.
    Oh and you are not alone now you have us. X

    Liked by 1 person

  47. nosillasite says:

    Oh I know!! I get to meetings and have a wonderful support system for my AA issues along with some close supports that know about my husband.. its weird but there is a forum in the CODA group talking about a marriage that is suffering because the partner is not willing to change due to a mental illness and that his co dependent traits have been flared up and he is finally starting to see the difference and may be letting go. I so don’t want this to happen between my husband and I and yet I don’t know if a change will ever take place. I guess I just have to trust in the fact that he is getting help and he said he may want to read Thorin’s page etc.. but there is no hurry and I cannot stick a firecracker up his butt because I understand when people told me about my alcoholism in the beginning how I drink too much and “Do you remember how you acted last night? etc etc etc.. you can’t force something like change after 57 years on this earth that my husband has been on this planet overnight… please pray for us.. Thank You


  48. CD wife says:

    You are so right and of course i will pray for you and i know if we had met we would be good friends. Take care X


  49. Lisa says:

    Nosillasite, I am so happy you and your husband are getting the help you need. I have a good feeling about you too. I think together and with your faith in God you will overcome. Praying for you both.


  50. CD wife says:

    Lisa love you too !!! XXX


  51. nosillasite says:

    Oh Lisa, Thank You so much for your kind words.. I sure hope you are right.. Some days are rougher than others.. I’ll tell you that.. Is it normal to just love your husband no matter what and yet you don’t have sex AT ALL, nor there is no intimacy and that would just have to be sacrificed? I don’t know.. I can see how people divorce with legitimate reasons and yet, we’ve been through so much together.. I am very confused and yet I have to throw it all on GOD’s shoulders.. I figure they are pretty huge so HE can handle it.. Any words of wisdom at all Lisa?? Any experiences or even you CD wife that you can share with me so I don’t feel so alone? I so appreciate it.. and Thank YOU..


  52. nosillasite says:

    Sex isn’t important I get that.. we even were celibate before marriage, but 11 years??? finding his feminine stuff in the bedroom and throwing myself into my kids has been exhausting.. that’s all..


  53. CD wife says:

    Sorry Nosillate for me a life without intimacy is not what i deserve. I have been in the fellowships long enough to have learned to love myself. That means being deserving of receiving love and intimacy which is a two way thing being able to give and receive.
    No way would i waste the gifts God has given me on a celibate marriage i may as well have joined a convent and just served God !
    You must go with what makes you happy this is not selfish it’s self care. You do not have to be denied this gift in order to serve God. I understand your pain i lived it but no longer !! Life is too short.
    But one thing i do not condone affairs. Apart from anything else they are not good for our souls. I feel we have decisions to make do we want this life or not ? I didn’t.


  54. CD wife says:

    PS Nossillate sex IS important ! It’s the glue in the marriage a gift from God. X


  55. nosillasite says:

    Thank You so much CD Wife……


  56. CD wife says:

    I have just been thinking about your comment about an emotional affair. I was at a very famous addiction rehab in my country attending the family meetings as the wife of a Crossdresser and porn addict. I was told every time he masturbated over himself dressed as a women or with porn he was committing adultery.
    I didn’t understand what that meant at the time in fact it was a long time before i understood this. I put that down to my low self esteem. But i understand now every time he “dressed” or watched porn it was an event that could have been spent with me giving and receiving pleasure a gift from God. Indeed (modern technology aside) the world would stop reproducing if every man did this and spent as much time as your husband and mine did alone with their hand !!
    The feelings you have desiring sex with your husband are perfectly normal what isn’t normal is your husband denying what should be a natural thing between two people who love each other.
    Please believe me you deserve so much more in a relationship.


  57. nosillasite says:

    Thank YOU so much CD WIFE.. I believe alot of it is fear of rejection.. But how can he even think I would reject him.. It wasn’t that way when we were “making babies” .. but I guess there was a “Godly purpose” behind that one.. I don’t know CD.. but you have given me some insight with the help of therapy that I have known all along.. Time will tell.. God Speed Sister..


  58. CD wife says:

    I’m playing “devils advocate” here perhaps when you were making babies you were being reeled in? Hmm i have heard this often said in the rooms. Out of interest did things escalate after the children were born ?


  59. Lisa says:

    Hi Nosillasite. You need to ask lots of questions of your husband. Is it just underwear or is their attention to detail. That is does he shave his legs? Wear outerwear? Cosmetics. What websites does he go on. Any indications of wanting to be with a man? Their must be a reason why he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. I’m sure none of this applies to your husband but these are the hard questions you need to ask before you can move forward. He must make you feel like a woman again, sexually. As CD wife mentioned intimacy is the glue that hold the marriage together especially for the woman.


  60. CD wife says:

    Lisa loss of intimacy is often due to them satisfying themselves with nothing left for the wife as well as erectile dysfunction. We are “vanilla” next to themselves in their madness !

    Liked by 1 person

  61. Lisa says:

    It’s such a powerful addiction. Think about how it can make a man loose interest in pleasing his wife. He can only get excited by dressing in women’s clothes. How do they think this makes us feel. That’s why I get angry when I hear how women are appeasing their crossdressing husbands. Making it part of their sex lives. Some women don’t realize they’re becoming accessories in their husband’s addiction. A true Christian woman will fight to change their husbands minds and rid crossdressing from their marriage. We did not sign up to be with a pretend woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  62. CD wife says:

    Powerful words Lisa but like all addictions step one says” We are powerless over ……”.(the addiction) Unless they are willing to change we can fight all we like and God knows i did but the addiction was bigger than me.
    We can pray, encourage what ever but in the end it’s up to them.

    Liked by 2 people

  63. CD wife says:

    Lisa i want you to know and you probably do anyway that this Crossdressing addiction strikes at our hearts minds and souls. It eats us up because it’s so personal to us as women.
    It’s so isolating and shame based for us as well. This is why i worry for the wives because this stuff can make us very ill. I want to say to you and any wife looking here please take great care of yourselves the stress can creep up on us and sometimes we don’t realise the damage until it’s too late and we find ourselves very unwell. Our children need their mothers in a fit state to nurture and love them. They sense the stress around even when we think we are keeping it well hidden.
    God bless you all X

    Liked by 2 people

  64. nosillasite says:

    Lisa, I can answer every single question being we have been through counseling and he is currently doing counseling as he has opened up recently about this.. He is a pantihose guy… loves to wear them and wears them under his jeans.. He hasn’t and won’t go out in person.. he used to do makeup, not sure since we’ve been married but has stressed to me how much he loved to do it and felt beautiful… I worry being he won’t grow his facial hair back.. He absolutely positively does not want to be with another man.. he stressed to me, the counselor as well during marriage counseling, that he is strictly heterosexual and doesn’t desire nor had any feelings of homosexuality.. (although he played one in community theater and was quite funny) Not being with me is 100% due to this illness.. I have asked him about my weight gain after having kids in front of the counselor, does it bother him to see me naked, all those “shallow questions” that may be in play to which he replyed, I am not shallow like that, you know how much I love you.. This is NOT your fault… (he reemphasized that) Yet, he loves to look like the picturesque woman society views as sexy and wants that attention.. I don’t get it.. I mean, that’s shallow, isn’t it?


  65. nosillasite says:



  66. nosillasite says:

    Yes, I agree with Lisa… There is a man/woman that attended our church (not anymore) and his/her wife is very supportive of him/her… They dress up together, he is transgendered.. She loves him NO MATTER WHAT… Well isn’t that freaking wonderful… so I DON’T love my husband because I won’t condone it? I’ve tried but it dehumanizes me as a woman, sorry! I am 100 percent woman who fell in love with a sensitive man never realizing how this would turn out.. and how this addiction KILLED our sex life.. I don’t even think I would want to have sex with him if he all of a sudden changed, I don’t know… okay, I am done… phew! lol


  67. tempted sinner says:

    I don’t get it.. I mean, that’s shallow, isn’t it? It is, We are!


  68. CD wife says:

    Nosillasite you have not made me feel so alone when you talk about marrying “the sensitive man” oh did i really ???? I now realize i never knew him at all ! And yes the addiction killed MY sex life. Yes MY sex life because he carried on with his OWN sex life with his right hand and accessories . How could i have ever known how it would all turn out ?
    And yes if they changed knowing about all the relapses no thank you.


  69. nosillasite says:

    So Tempted Sinner, you have made me realize this I suppose…. so Thank You


  70. nosillasite says:

    CD Wife, I didn’t piss you off did I? Am I missing something here? lol sorry.. I am so back and forth with this thing and yet “For Better for Worse, For Richer for Poorer, in SICKNESS and in health, till death us do part” .. He is getting help but I need prayers for the strength of whatever lies ahead..


  71. nosillasite says:

    Oh and Tempted Sinner, why would a crossdresser marry us typical, straight women if they are shallow and apparently continue to have a sex life with themselves? I mean, what is the reasoning behind that? just curious..


  72. CD wife says:

    nosillasite darling why would you have upset me ??? XXX


  73. Lisa says:

    Nosillasite, you mentioned your husband is a “pantyhose guy.” Two words we don’t want to hear pertaining to our partners. CD’s always wear pantyhose. Like pantyhose scream woman in someway. CD’s dress much more feminine then women do because in their minds we all go around dressed as Barbie dolls. When in reality it’s not so. They always have a misconception of what it is to be a woman. Clothes do not make the woman biology does.

    My ex husband is a homosexual. I caught him on the street, dressed as a woman (yes wearing pantyhose,) walking with a man holding hands. My ex couldn’t even face up to the fact he is gay. Instead presented himself has female so his partner would feel more straight. How deluded is that.


  74. CD wife says:

    Oh Lisa what a shock i’m so sorry. Are you single now ? X


  75. Lisa says:

    CD Wife. I have a new man in my life. Getting married in sept this year. I posted my story many times before. Sorry I thought you knew my past history.


  76. CD wife says:

    No i must have missed it somehow or my memory is getting worse. But anyway i’m so happy for you. And it’s kind of you to be here encouraging us.X


  77. Lisa says:

    CD wife, if you go back to April 28th 2016. That is when I first posted. In wives of crossdressers.


  78. nosillasite says:

    Lisa,, I am extremely happy for you!!!!! It must be sooooo freeing to have a new MAN… A MAN… just sayin’… Anyway, CD WIFE, I don’t know why I thought I got you mad… just scratch that… maybe it was too early in my morning, not enough coffee or something.. 😉 lol And Lisa, we have gone through this so much as far as talking about homosexuality.. He is NOT gay.. now at times when we would get silly he would pretend he is gay, cross his legs and get animated and silly but it never EVER made me feel that that’s how he sees himself… he was the third born, more sensitive, his older brothers were “strong, into sports” while he was more quiet and passive.. I don’t know when I met him I thought that was an extremely SEXY attribute..


  79. nosillasite says:

    Lisa, I want to read your old April 28 2016 post…. 😉 let you know my thoughts!!!


  80. nosillasite says:

    Oh my dear Lisa, God has blessed you with a new and exciting life ahead for you!!!! I am so sorry on this senseless betrayal and yet something good came out of it.. I wish you so much happiness..


  81. CD wife says:

    Oh dear Lisa i can only seem to go back to Feb2017 and above that it says 480 comments of Wives of cds . I don’t know how to find your old post.X


  82. nosillasite says:

    the bottom of the posts between where you type and Leave a Reply is a box with an arrow pointing left that says Older Comments… CD WIFE..


  83. CD wife says:

    Oh dear silly me nosillasite i can’t find it never mind i will have another try when i get time.


  84. Lisa says:

    Hi. Strange item to find in a man’s briefcase. Lets not jump to conclusions yet. Have you called him or perhaps he can’t be contacted on the retreat. Do you know if your husband has a history of crossdressing?


  85. Nosillasite says:

    Hey guys.. I am scared.. I don’t want to fall out of love with my husband.. God put us together for a reason and I have to believe that but our energy is so off.. I do have counseling tomorrow,, not sure about his counseling appointment.. sometimes I feel so empty from being so positive and yet I need to be obedient to GOD’s word.. Help me get through… please…


  86. thorin25 says:

    He signed up for individual counseling? Just take things one day at a time, remember that God is with you, spend good time clinging to Jesus each day, talking to him, hearing from his Word.

    Trust God to work in your husband’s heart, you cannot change his heart, only God can. Be firm about what you will not tolerate though. Be firm and clear about your belief about CD. Keep trying to get him to have an open mind to read what we all have said here about CD in these posts and articles.

    Praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  87. thorin25 says:

    Lisa, the person who had commented here about a briefcase, asked me to delete the comment, and I took the name out of your comment too. This person was not offended about anything, but they had their own reasons for wanting the comment off.

    Liked by 1 person

  88. CD wife says:

    If you accept CDing is an addiction then it should be treated as such. As you have told us you are an alcoholic who attends the fellowships you will (i hope) understand that a partner does not have to accept unacceptable behaviour. I would say to an Alcoholic husband i love you but i do not love your alcoholism and will not accept you drinking in my home.
    You just change the words Crossdressing for Alcoholism and there is a solution. If he doesn’t want the solution you have a choice and God doesn’t want you to suffer. You have to decide if you are actually following the life God has planned for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  89. Nosillasite says:

    Yes guys!!! Thanks!!! Thanks a million!!!


  90. CD wife says:

    To the wives who may look here and don’t post. Please join our chats. It’s harmful to keep this pain inside. And the problem is especially complicated by the acceptance of society. So not only is there the shame but the worry of being told it’s not a problem at all !
    We understand and so does the author of this site he will support you as well.So come on ladies come out of your own closet and talk talk talk ! We are here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  91. Nosillasite says:

    Hey CD and Lisa… Well, went to my therapy session today, and got alot out… I really don’t know what’s in store for my husband and I… but I do know one thing… I cannot change him… I don’t plan on it… It’s exhausting… I’ll continue to get right with Jesus and do my prayers in the morning and go about my daily routines… He came back from his counseling session too.. so it’s established that we both are trying… That’s where it stays right now… If my kids weren’t here I’d be gone… I can’t imagine retiring with him… I know there is more out there for me… and for once I don’t feel selfish saying that … Right now he is clueless on how much hurt this has been on me, but I’ll continue to follow GOD… I don’t know what else to say…


  92. Nosillasite says:

    She has me asking myself at what point will it take for me to handle this and stay healthy… along with consistent prayer, etc…


  93. CD wife says:

    Hi dear Nossillasite yes controlling is exhausting.You know i learned the hard way the effect this has on our children. They pick up everything don’t underestimate the damage this does.Also please forget the word selfish and replace it with self care.
    It’s some years into recovery i was told before they can understand the damage their addiction has caused so just keep on your own side of the street taking it one day at a time.
    At what point ?….. when you have done the work on yourself.
    Have a lovely day and take care of lovely you XXX


  94. nosillasite says:

    Oh CD Wife, I am a mess this morning… This whole thing is really starting to affect me and I want out.. I really do.. I am scared.. He is absolutely 100% clueless.. There is nothing worse then being with a man all these years that doesn’t find your sexually desirable as a husband should be to his wife. What kind of deranged illusion do these men really think they are accomplishing? By trying to be normal and killing there marriages in the process.. I understand addiction, believe me, recovering alcoholic 21 years, met him when I was 2 years sober… STUPID… I was skeptical to meet anyone then too.. But I wouldn’t have my son and daughter in the process, but am afraid I am losing it for my husband very fast.. When we talk later, he will look at me like I’m the nut, that he is doing the very best he can through therapy, yadda yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda…… I feel like if I stay in this marriage I am going to have a nervous breakdown.. Almost did last summer because of the emotional affair I had because of all this nonsense.. Trying to stay married to a companion eats at you.. we do get along as long as we don’t talk much , or if I agree to everything he says.. I guess I still have to work on my self ,but I have been in a state of self loathing.. trust me, I will snap out of it.. Please pray for me.. him too.. and mainly my kids.. Thanks


  95. CD wife says:

    I’m praying for you darling and i really do understand. This eats away at us. I wish i could give you a hug but remember there are lots of hugs at Alanon. I went this morning and feel so much better for connecting with others affected by addiction.
    Just trust you will do the right thing at the right time. Also listen stop beating yourself up for the emotional affair that’s nothing compared to what he has done to you. So forget it don’t let it enter your lovely head again.
    I wish we could meet but i’m with you in spirit. Take care and pray pray pray XXXXXX


  96. nosillasite says:

    Oh CD Wife, I feel so much better… My husband and I talked it out with arguing and coming to a mutual understanding .. He plans on reading Thorin’s links as suggested and all I can do is pray.. God Bless You and this website.. I told him not to mess with my stuff and he won’t mess with mine.. To Thorin, my husband will be joining soon and was actually relieved when I told him I don’t condone this behavior.. which I found to be odd.. but I need to relax, continue to pray and believe.. Wow what a difference,, huh?


  97. nosillasite says:

    Prayer Works!!!


  98. CD wife says:

    So pleased for you. Keep it one day at a time X


  99. CD wife says:

    nosillasite you know the benefits of a fellowship has he said he would like to be in a programme ? Does he understand why you go to AA ? I say don’t tell me show me every time !!!!! Also why is he joining here soon ? No time like now.
    If he is serious he will do it for himself. You just take care of yourself.


  100. thorin25 says:

    That is great news! Do try to read the posts together with him and discuss. I know from experience that when we talk about these issues out loud with someone else it is much harder to drift back into fantasy and false rationalizations.

    He is welcome to join our prayer group if he would like to quit crossdressing. But first, it might be better for him to spend time reading my posts and make sure he really wants to do so. One step at a time.

    He is welcome to email me. I can talk with him calmly and gently, and answer his questions without beating him up or pressuring him. If he wants to talk to have a conversation with me, especially if he has doubts about whether it is really wrong to crossdress, then that is fine. You can give him my email.

    Otherwise, the best is to keep reading the Word, praying together, and reading some of my posts.

    Last, if he is going to remain in the marriage, he should commit to marriage counseling to work on bringing sex back into the marriage. Not having sex is a form of marital unfaithfulness. It will be doubly more difficult for him, because he is used to being turned on by CD instead of you. But if you both have the patience, recovery is very possible, and you can experience good sex together again. Have that hope. Just as it is a miracle that God seems to be changing his heart, God can also restore your marriage over time.

    Liked by 1 person

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